06x18 - Prom

[bunniefuu]

God!

- Sorry! Sorry!
- What's happening?

I can't hear!
And I'm dying!

Baby, relax. I just
wanted to surprise you.

Open the bottom drawer
and read the cake.

"Will you go to
prom with me?"

Well, this just keeps
getting weirder.

Because of the merger, schools
have had to make some cuts,

and the first thing to
go was the senior prom.

So as a last-minute Hail Mary,

the parks department is
throwing prom for them.

They also wanted
to cut A.P. Latin,

so I volunteered
to teach Latin.

Which reminds me, I
need to learn Latin.

I can't stop thinking about
that job in Chicago,

and I think this prom will
be a good distraction.

In my senior year when I couldn't
decide between Indiana and Amherst,

I focused all my energy on planning my
prom, and it was the best prom ever.

Plus, I made out with Harvey
from the A.V. Club.

Hmm, I think I'm
jealous of Harvey.

You shouldn't be. A few
weeks later, he almost d*ed

from a VCR electrocution.

Legend has it that he can still turn
on a microwave just by blinking at it.

The point is, will you
go to the prom with me?

Well, I thought you'd never
ask, because we're nearing 40.

- Course I will.
- Yay! Prom!

Okay, we are making
progress, prom committee.

Now, our budget
is basically zero,

so we're gonna need
to cover all the jobs

that we would normally
hire people for.

Tom, you're in
charge of music.

Oh, man. Well, all right.

Aw, did you want to
DJ, little puppy?

I didn't know
that little puppies

could operate an iPod with
their little puppy paws.

Eew and boo.

This kind of thing is getting
out of hand with you two.

Y'all are on
official warning.

I did DJ a little
back in the day.

I had a show called "Zoot Suit
Wyatt" on Carleton College radio.

Tuesdays from 3:00 to 5:00 A.M.,
I was the king of swing.

I thought we as a
culture agreed

to forget the year that
everyone was into swing.

Okay, Ben, you can
co-DJ with Tom.

- Yes.
- What! No!

If you eclipse my flavor in any
way, we'll have a problem.

All right, Allison, you are in
charge of choosing the prom theme,

and now it has to be
perfect and magical

and look like a million
bucks but cost zero bucks.

- So what do you got? - I was thinking
the theme could be "Fairy tale."

The theater department did Into the Woods
last year, and we still have the scenery.

I laid out some preliminary
plans in this binder.

Wow!

Are those jense-trodder
color tabs?

I thought those
were discontinued.

They were. I had to order them
through some Mexican back channels.

Juan Julio Oficina Supplies?

I thought they went
out of business.

They did, but they opened up
a new one in Oaxaca.

What is happening
right now?

Okay, everybody
get back to work.

And, Allison, come by my office
later so we can keep crushing it.

All right, let's go
over our set list.

- Set list? No need.
- So, what,

you're just gonna put
your iPod on shuffle?

No, but I could. You
want to know why?

Because every single song
you own is a banger?

Every song I download has to
pass a series of rigorous tests

to answer one
simple question:

Is it a banger?

How many beats per minute?
How many drops?

How dope are the drops?

Were any acoustic
instruments used?

If so, it is not a banger.

I once accidentally
downloaded a Lumineers song.

I had to throw away my whole
computer just to be safe.

I feel like, to me, set list
flow is very important.

I mean, we're basically
vibe curators.

Ugh. Oh, no.

I hope that high school auditorium's big
enough, 'cause I'm bringing 10,000 maniacs.

Sometimes it's really hard
to be friends with you.

Thank God we don't have
to be seen together.

- Yes, we do. We're co-DJs.
- Not anymore. You're working with...

DJ Robo Drop.

♪ Ba-da-da, mm,
mm, mm, mm-mm ♪

Oh, I hope that this prom is
exactly like my senior prom.

Theme: "My heart
will go on."

Photo booth with Monica
Lewinsky look-alike.

After-party-- Megan
Rickerson's house.

Her parents used to let us
drink as much as we wanted.

That's--that's where we
should have this after-party.

Or, no, we can't, because
they moved to prison.

Prom is nothing but a huge
party full of smiling,

dancing people
enjoying themselves.

It's literally my
worst nightmare.

And I hate punch.

April Ludgate,

I'm gonna sing to you a song
that I first wrote 15 years ago

for my prom date,
Sarah Weiss.

♪ You're as hot
as the sun ♪

♪ But you're as
cold as ice ♪

♪ Let me take you
to paradise ♪

♪ Come on, roll the dice ♪

♪ It will be twice as nice ♪

♪ Sarah Wei--April
Ludgate ♪

♪ Will you go to prom with me? ♪

Boom!
Will you?

Fine. I'll go with you,
because Leslie's making us,

and we live together, and we
only have one car right now

because you laked mine.

- What does "laked" mean?
- I tried to jump it over a lake.

Why don't you stay out
of our conversations, Larry!

Will do.

So I want to show you some very
cool before and after pictures

of Cherryhurst Park, one of
our greatest accomplishments.

Why are you showing
me all this?

Because I think you have a
real knack for public service.

We here at the parks department
have something called

"The April Ludgate Summer
Solstice Druid Festival

and Buffalo Wings
Eating Contest."

I don't know why
I let her name it.

Basically, it's a summer
internship program.

I think you'd be great.
Do you want to work here?

Definitely!
I'm totally interested.

- Great.
- Allison Gliffert.

- Hi, Mr. Swanson.
- You two know each other?

Is there some secret society for
the greatest humans on earth?

Do you meet Tom Hanks and Elena Kagan
in the Statue of Liberty's crown?

God, this fake club I'm
inventing is amazing.

Allison's father owns the
hardware store I've been going to

since before Allison
was even born.

What brings you to the festering putrid
stink hole on the armpit of freedom?

That's what he calls city hall.

Um, Leslie was just telling me
about your summer internship,

and I was thinking
about taking it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
No.

I respect your father too much to
let his daughter work for free

for the government. Why don't you
get a paying job for the summer?

Why don't you shut
your mustache?

- Sorry.
- You know what?

Tim Hautner, who owns the
sawmill out on Lowell Drive,

is a personal friend.

He's always looking for
bright young employees

to give money to in
exchange for honest work.

That would be awesome. I
definitely need money for school.

Oh, really? Is it
worth a few bucks

to get a million splinters
in your fingers and then

cut off your fingers accidentally,
'cause that will happen.

I have tolerated Leslie's
pro-government ways

because her annoying
kindness and generosity

sneakily made me like
her as a person.

But I draw the line at
corrupting America's youth.

I'm sure I can get Allison a job
at Tim Hautner's sawmill.

I once did him a favor.

I built his sawmill.

I may be leaving this office soon. I need
to plant seeds for the next generation.

Interns become full-time staff,
become department directors.

Circle of life.

The seasons turn. It's
really quite beautiful.

And if Ron tries to stop me, he
can eat a big ol' bowl of butts.

Hee hee! Hah hah yeah!

Pawnee!

Class of '99!

Uh-huh!

Ooh!

Girl, you look creepy.

- Would you like a drink? All this
stuff is free. - No, it's not.

- Why'd you pay for a limo?
- Because it's prom.

If you don't show up in a limo,
legally, they can't let you in.

- Does your mom want to take pictures?
- Uh, yeah, she does.

- Hey, hey! Orin!
- Who's Orin?

I'm April's mom.

You two look adorable.

Ugh, just take the
picture already, mom.

My baby is all grown up.

- Have her home by 11:00.
- Mom, stop embarrassing me.

Say good-bye to
your father.

- Bye, dad.
- Good night, sir.

This is all the stuff
we have to work with?

Where's everything I requested?
Where's my smoke machine?

Where's my girls dressed
in Teddy Bear costumes?

- Where's my Yeezus Mountain?
- Yeah, tell me about it.

I specifically requested elliptical
cartridges for the turntables.

How am I supposed to keep my Husker
Du albums in near-mint condish?

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't
you throw them in the garbage?

My prom was right after
I got impeached,

so I couldn't leave the house
without being egged.

But my parents threw me a
prom in our living room.

I think I'm still
messed up from it.

I was actually only at
my prom for 15 minutes.

By the time I got my
Armani suit pressed

and got the little dimple on my
tie just right, it was 11:45 P.M.

My date was pretty pissed,
but, uh, I looked fly as hell.

Leslie, thanks again.

We just wouldn't have
had a prom without you.

This is A-plus work.

A-plus! Thank you, Principal Russell.
Can I get that in writing?

Oh-ho, Leslie. You haven't
changed since high school.

I can't believe he
gave you an A-plus.

Oh, did he? I didn't
even notice. No bigs.

Listen, Allison, I have a question for you
that's very important and very serious.

Listen to me closely.

Will you help me orchestrate
the balloon drop?

Ms. Knope, it'd
be my honor.

Oh, hooray!

- Allison.
- Oh.

I was subcontracted by the government
to construct a lighting rig.

Would like to help me screw some
angle irons onto some 2x4s?

- I'll give you $40.
- Yeah, sure.

I'll just be over
here having fun.

See you soon!

I know what you're doing, Ron,
and I will defeat you.

Mark my words.

Stop wasting helium.

It is intended for welding
and filling air ships.

I attended prom
with Susan Hofler.

Picked her up in my truck, we
slow-danced to a Merle Haggard song,

and then I left early to go
to my shift at the quarry.

I was 12 years old.

Never went again.

Felt like I had
outgrown it.

Well, we did it. We went to prom.
Yay! Let's go now.

No! What? Are you kidding?
This is awesome.

Look around. The
bloom of youth.

Like flowers on the sunset
of an eagle's poetry.

- Andy, I hate teenagers.
- If you give this a chance,

you're gonna love it,
I promise.

It's like the movie Expendables 2.
First time, hated it.

Second time, hated it.

Third time, it was okay.

But then the fourth, fifth, sixth,
seventh, tenth time I watched it,

I realized something.

It's just--it's not good.
It's not a good movie.

Now that I've convinced you,
why don't we go dance?

Um, I'm gonna go to the girls' bathroom
to check the trash cans for babies,

- but you can dance if you want.
- Really? I love you! Thank you!

♪ Money's the motivation ♪

♪ Money's the conversation ♪

♪ You on vacation ♪

♪ We gettin' paid so ♪

Uh, hey, no one's
really feeling this.

All right, not a 2 Chainz crowd. I'll
throw on some yeezy in a second.

Jeezy?

Weezy?

Oh!

You want some
of that classic stuff.

All right, I'll break you off
some of that Ja Rule.

Who's Ja Rule?

What? How do you-- wha--

who's what?

The stuff you're playing is so old,
it's probably trinking on grizzledump.

Hey, what's grizzledump?
And why is trinking on it bad?

Oh, my God.

I don't know
what's cool anymore.

What's grizzledump, Ben?
What's grizzledump?

♪ This moment, we own it ♪

So have you ever pulled a
ceremonial cord before?

There's a little trick to it. You
want to hold it-- not too tight,

sort of like a firm handshake--
and then move towards the ground

- in a rope-pulling motion.
- So just pull the rope?

That's right.

Thanks, Leslie, for this,

and for making prom happen
in the first place.

Oh, you don't
have to thank me.

Working for the government
is its own reward--

- Run, Allison, run.
- You're wasting your time, Leslie.

Allison and I already
had a good talk

about the power of the
hard-earned dollar.

Don't listen to him. Now,
when you pull the rope,

don't look at the balloons.

Look at the faces of the
people as the balloons drop.

That's what government is about.
Look at the faces.

No, look at the cage that is
holding all of those balloons.

I assembled that cage
and was paid for my labor,

and I will use the money to buy
shelter, fuel, and medicine.

- Watch the cage.
- Pull the rope. Watch the faces.

- Watch the cage.
- Watch the faces!

Uh, erm...

Congratulations, Ron.
You've ruined prom.

Everybody's having
a terrible time.

I didn't go to my prom.

I was dating an older
fella back then.

Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids
while he's coaching Duke to the final four.

I just want to go
home, but I feel bad

because Andy's having
such a good time.

Whoa!

How can I love someone when
I hate everything he loves?

That's not true. He loves a lot of
dumb stuff, but he loves you the most.

If something's bothering
you, just tell him.

It's always better
to be direct.

Hey, girl. Are
you ready to go?

I feel like I told you
to wait in the car.

Yeah.

See?

Be direct.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ugh!

You're finished, Knope.

I just spoke with Tim Hautner from
the sawmill on my mobile telephone,

and he's offering
Allison a paying job.

She'll be assistant
to the head mulcher.

- b*at that. - First of all, your
telephone is ridiculous.

And second of all, I already b*at it.
She's gonna take that internship.

She pulled the rope.
There's no turning back!

Leslie. Mr. Swanson. May I see
both of you in my office?

Now.

It has come to
my attention

that both of you have been
harassing Allison

about her summer
employment decisions.

I wouldn't say "harassing" so
much as persistently tormenting.

I am disappointed
in you, Leslie.

No! Don't be
disappointed in me.

I've never had a principal or a
teacher be disappointed in me.

I'm not sure that I'm
equipped to handle it.

Whatever's going on between you
two and Allison ends right now.

This is supposed to be a
fun event for the kids.

You're absolutely right, and
I will bow out immediately.

Thank you.

I think the only thing that
matters is whatever A-pluses

may or may not have been handed out, you
know, are still in effect in perpetuity.

I have your word, then.

This ends now?

Absolutely.

Attention, everyone.

Now it is time for the most magical
moment of any high school prom:

The announcement of the winner of the Parks
and Recreation's coveted summer internship.

Without further ado,
help me congratulate

Allison Gliffert!

Can we get a little
music here maybe?

Probably just ruin the moment
with something lame.

Leslie, I told you. I don't know
what I'm doing this summer.

That's okay. I know
what you're doing.

You're gonna take this internship. You're
gonna fall in love with public service.

You're gonna rise through the ranks. You'll
take over Ron's job as parks director.

You'll win a seat in congress,

and then you and I will run
against each other as president,

but right before
we find out who won,

I'm gonna pat you on the back
and say, "It's your turn, kid."

Sorry, children.
Forget this happened.

Continue with your awkward
close-quarters gyrating.

And if this is the evening you decide
to have sex, use protection, please!

Dude, if you're not gonna play
anything, I'm stepping in.

Go ahead. Play whatever you want.
Can't be any worse than this.

- Hey, I love this song!
- You actually like this?

Yeah, dude, it's
classic rock.

Well, there's more
where that came from,

snoopies!

Sorry. Tried to use slang.
That just came out.

I only listen to CDs.

It's the way music like
this was meant to be heard.

But it's not
even auto-tuned.

Where'd you get
that dress?

I was buried in it.

Babe, huge news.

I just got us invited to
Damian Keating's barn party.

He's captain of the soccer team,
and he has a fake I.D.,

so I think he can get
us all free beer.

What's wrong?

There's cupcakes and music.

Why aren't you having fun?

Because this prom
reminds me that...

you had, like, a million
friends in high school

and everyone thought
you were awesome,

and I spent four years
making fun of everyone

and hiding mops so the janitor
would think he was going insane.

If we went to high school together,
we would have never started dating,

which means that...

we would have never gotten married,
and I don't like thinking about that.

Hey, maybe we wouldn't have gotten
together if we were in high school.

But that's because kids in
high school are idiots.

The only thing that matters is that
we found each other right now,

and it's the best.

You know what? Let's bail.

We got that limo for
three more hours.

I think the extra length could
help us get us over that lake.

No. Let's stay.

I'll have fun. I promise.

I have never told you this,

but I actually have
a ten-point scale

for how insane
you are being.

I observe your behavior, and if it's
a five or below, I say nothing.

Smart. Saves a
lot of time.

If it reaches a six,

like for example the incident with the
girls' soccer uniforms back in '05...

They wrote all the
team names in pink.

Nobody told them to do that.

I try to steer you
back to safety.

A seven is when I lock you in
your office until you cool down.

This Allison Gliffert thing
may have hit an eight.

I have the police
on standby.

It's your move.

I'm thinking of leaving Pawnee,

moving to Chicago.

I just need to make sure that the future
is secure around here when I leave.

You know?

Allison would become April, and
then April would become me.

I mean, let's face it, Ron. I love
you, but you're hopeless without me.

Blueprints for the future

are a fool's errand.

They're like blueprints
for a house.

Nice to have, but any foreman with half
a brain doesn't need to look at them.

One day, this year
or maybe the next,

you're gonna be
somewhere else.

So enjoy yourself now.

Damn it.

I just wish once

you would say something
stupid so I could ignore it.

Attention, please.
The votes are in.

And your Pawnee high prom
king and queen are...

Lucy Taylor
and Andy Dwyer!

- What? - I broke the box, and
I threw away all the votes,

and I voted for you
a thousand times.

You should get on up
there, King Dwyer.

Not without my queen.

Hi, Pawnee High. As your
prom king, I'm your ruler.

Silence!

My first decree of power is to
declare that the prom queen

shall be my wife,
April Ludgate,

who is the best thing
that's ever happened to me

who came to prom even
though she hates it.

Give me this.
Always next year.

No, there isn't.
I'm a senior.

This is your wife?
How old are you?

He's 33, and I'm 47/immortal.

Get out.

High school forever!

Yeah, you're having fun now.

I rigged an election and
got kicked out of prom.

I can get on
board with that.

♪ I look just like
Buddy Holly ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ And you're Mary
Tyler Moore ♪

My life is over.

I'm officially
old and uncool.

Might as well start wearing a
plaid shirt and a tie and khakis

and whatever shoes
you're wearing.

Look, the fact that
you don't know

what high schoolers are into
doesn't make you uncool.

It makes you a
normal human adult.

You haven't had time to keep up
'cause the last few years,

you started two
different businesses.

I guess that's true.

Richard Branson and Mark Cuban
are too busy making deals

to keep up with what
the kids are into.

How else do you explain
their terrible haircuts?

And, hey, you may be old, but
you'll never be as old as me.

Yeah. You're old as sh*t.

Thanks, Ben.

Glad I could help.

♪ The show goes
on all night ♪

Allison, we wanted to apologize
for acting so bananas.

You just have so much
promise, we got excited.

You're a good kid. And whatever you
choose, you'll be great at it.

I have to say
I admire you both.

You were right, Leslie. Watching all
those happy faces, it felt amazing.

But it was really nice to build
something and get paid for it.

Ugh, Ron, she is so
thoughtful and grounded.

Get her away from me, or I'm gonna kidnap
her and try to mentor her to death.

Oh, let me introduce you
to my boyfriend.

Greg Pikitis.

What up, Knope?

Hello, Gregory.

You guys know each other?

You might say that.

Come on, baby. Let's
get out of here.

That's that horrible kid who used
to prank us all the time, right?

Offer is off the table. She's a
terrible person with terrible judgment.

Pikitis!