06x01 - Pre-Washed Lettuce and a Mime

[bunniefuu]

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Who's ready for some first
day of law school breakfast?

You got up early to cook for me?

If it pleases the court,

I'd like to introduce these
pancakes into evidence.

And I will happily
tamper with it.

I also packed you some snacks.

A healthy one and one
you'll actually eat.

Aw, you would've made
someone a great mom.

I'm gonna let that slide

because I can't believe
this day is finally...

I know! I'm so proud of me.

Oh, yeah, boy, that's
what I was about to say.

I wrote something.

"Christy, 40 years ago..."

It's just that normally I
am not a big fan of me,

but today I woke up and I was
like, "I am a freakin' miracle."

Hey, look it, "miracle" is the
exact word I use in my thing.

"Christy, 40 years ago..."

When I got sober, I said,

"I am gonna go to law
school," and here I am,

actually going to law school.

When I was drinking, I'd say,
"Oh, I want to get a Slurpee,"

and I couldn't make it happen.

Well, my thing touches on your
bad days in a more elegant way,

but your example's good, too.

I mean, isn't it crazy?

I used to run from the law and
now I'm running towards it.

Wow, that's good, I wish
I'd thought of that.

"Christy, 40 years ago..."

The best part is, no one
in any of my classes

will know what I
used to be like.

They will just see a super
smart future lawyer

because I've changed and
I'm also wearing a blazer.

Yeah. You do look smart.

Oh, I got to go.

You got this, baby.

For the first time in my
life, I really think I do.

Damn it.

Looks like I got a couple minutes.
Tell me your thing.

Oh.

"Christy, 40 years ago,
when I spread my legs

and launched you
into the world..."

So, I met this really
cute dermatologist,

When I was at the dermatologist,

and you'll never
guess what happened.

- He asked you out.
- He asked me out.

Now y'all get ready to be proud
of me 'cause I told him,

"I'm four months' sober and I
can't date till I have a year."

Then later he
texted me and said,

"233 days to go." The
day after that, "232."

And the day after that,

- "231."
- Wrap it up.

Anyway, looks like I'm gonna
marry a dermatologist,

go which is as good as
marrying a vampire.

You never get old. Thanks.

- Bonnie, alcoholic.
- Hi, Bonnie.

Well, I started planning
my wedding this weekend.

At first I thought it
was gonna be t*rture,

and then it hit me...

This is a day all about me,
planned by me, starring me.

Isn't that every day?

Maybe I always hated
weddings because, deep down,

I was afraid no one would ever...
love me enough

to want to marry me.

Now I feel bad.

But sobriety changed
me into someone

who's totally marry-able.

My only regret is waiting
till I was 49 to do it.

Would anyone else like to go?

I would. Christy, alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

So, today was my first
day of law school.

Which is, uh, kind of the
culmination of a lifelong dream.

And guess what.

It was terrifying.

Like "running out of booze
in Utah" terrifying.

Before we begin this morning,

I would like you all
to look to your left,

look to your right.

By the end of the year,

one of you will not be here.

Wait-wait, what's
happening here?

I knew law school was
gonna be intense.

I just kind of thought
we would ease into it.

You know, go around the room

and talk about why we
want to be lawyers.

No, it was, "Tell me the
relevance of this case,"

and "Analyze the implications
of that decision."

And it's totally unfair

that the other kids don't
have to juggle homework,

a full-time job, AA,

Gamblers Anonymous,
and a mom who watches

Property Brothers and then
has to talk about it.

And, yeah, I called
myself a kid.

If she gets to be 49,
then I get to be a kid.

Adam, we got to go. Why
are you drinking a beer?

Because beer is awesome?

You have no idea
where we're going.

I do so. We're going
to the, um...

- The Lakeside Terrace...
- Lakeside Terrace! Right. See, I know.

- Because...?
- Because of the reason we agreed on.

Come on, I told you
all this stuff.

- It's a possible wedding venue...
- Venue! Venue, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I know. You never remember
anything I tell you,

and yet you can recall
every friggin' detail

about a basketball game
you saw four years ago.

When the Warriors won
their first championship

and they b*at the Cavaliers
in six, it was epic.

Two games went to OT.

Yeah, I get it.

You only remember what's
important to you.

Classic case of Manzheimer's.

Look, getting married
is important to me,

but, you know, where we do it...

what we're wearing, the color
of the pigeons, isn't.

Pigeons?

All I know is that it's gonna be

the best day of my
life no matter what.

I hate it when you say nice
things when I'm mad at you.

Look, let's save ourselves
a million arguments.

You plan the wedding,
and I'll show up.

Really?

Absolutely. Do whatever
makes you happy.

Mm-hmm. You swear
you won't complain

- about the things I choose?
- I swear.

- What if I want a mariachi band?
- I say olé.

What about a chocolate fountain?

I'll shove my whole head in it.

I want our officiant
to be a mime.

- Bluffing. You're afraid of mimes.
- I am not.

Very funny. That's enough

Stop it. Seriously, stop it.

Thank you. Happy anniversary.

Cheap old bastards.

Christy, where are you going?

My last table just left.
I'm out of here.

No, no, no, no. Cindy
just went home sick.

I need you to cover her tables
for the rest of the night.

What? No, no, no, I-I can't.
It's my first week...

First week of law school, I know.
We all know.

I haven't talked
about it that much.

Max, what's new with Christy?

Law school, look left,
look right, very scary.

Well, it was scary.

And so is the
mountain of reading

I have to do tonight.
See you tomorrow.

Christy!

Christy...

I do not have the
emotional capacity

to deal with you right now.

My marriage is crumbling
right in front of me.

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

Because I don't blab to everyone
about the flight attendant

my husband met on the way
back from Cincinnati.

Okay, but I really...

You are staying. Go
check on table six.

I'll be in my office
doing crunches,

preparing for my new life as
a single 40-year-old man.

That's 85 in gay years!

Hey.

You asked me.

Hi.

I'm Christy. I will
be your server

for the rest of the evening.

I know I look
stressed and unhappy,

but don't let that diminish
your dining experience.

Damn it!

Huh?

How could you?

Bonnie, wake up.
You're dreaming.

- You son of a bitch.
- What?

You cheated on me.

You were dreaming.

Who with?

As if you don't know.

I-I really don't.

Louise from Trader Joe's.

And when I caught you,
you just shrugged

and said, "What's the big deal?"

You can't blame me
for something I did

- in your dream.
- Watch me.

Going at it like a couple
of middle-aged bunnies

right there on top of
the prewashed lettuce.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing up?

- Adam's cheating on me.
- What?

It was in a dream, but that
doesn't make it any less real.

Why are you home so late?

I had to cover for
another waitress.

I got rid of all of her tables
by 10:00 except for one.

They had their coffee, I'm
about to drop the check,

and this douche gets
down on one knee

and proposes to his
stupid girlfriend.

I had to take pictures,

and she had to cry and call
everyone she's ever met.

It was disgusting.

Well, she may be happy now,
but as soon as that ring

goes on the finger, that's
when they start cheating.

In your dream.

Hey, we had to hear about
your dream for five years.

How about we talk about
mine for five minutes?

I don't have time for this.
I got to study.

- Oh, God.
- What?

My backpack. I don't
have my backpack.

- Did you leave it in the car?
- No. It's at the restaurant.

- All my books are in there.
- So go back and get it.

It's closed. I don't have a key.

- Fine, I'll get dressed.
- What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna break
into the restaurant

with a couple of bobby pins.

"Keys." What happened to you?

What are you doing?

I'm trying to avoid
the security cameras.

They disconnected those

after the owner's wife saw him
having sex with a waitress

up against that Dumpster.

Was it you?

We are not here to
talk about the past.

Now, can you just move
it along, Hamburglar?

Okay, Baldwin mortise lock
with a 2 3/4-inch cylinder.

Huh. Might as well just
tape the door shut.

Hurry, I've got
class at 8:00 a.m.

Relax. I got this.

There... it... is.

Voilà.

Well, Baldwin's really
stepped up their game.

Are you kidding? You
said you could do this.

Yeah, and you said we weren't
here to talk about the past.

Fine, just help me get
up to that window.

It's called a transom.

If you watched the
Property Brothers with me,

you'd know that.

I don't care what it's called.
Just push me through it.

Push you through what?

The transom.

Are those new shoes?
They're really cute.

Focus!

Mom! Help me get down!

Did you run away?!

Yeah, but I came back.

That's progress.

Yeah, points for you.

Jump. I'll catch you.

Ow.

Nice going. You completely
missed my arms.

Pierson v. Post.

What are the facts?

Ms. Plunkett?

Oh.

Pierson v. Post, you say?

I did say.

I-I'm gonna be honest.

I didn't have time
to read the case,

but I have a very
good explanation.

- My backpack is locked up...
- I don't need explanations.

I just need you to
do the reading.

I promise I will
read it tonight.

Read it now.

Now?

We'll wait.

Okay.

I need that.

Ah. Pierson and Post are people.

It's very good.

20 minutes.

They watched me read
for 20 minutes.

You know how it's hard to pee
when people are watching you?

It's even harder to read.

Who watches you pee?

Don't take it personal.

These professors are just trying
to weed out the weak ones.

I was talking to my lawyer.

He used to be a Navy SEAL, and
he said law school was harder.

Oh, God, what if I'm
one of the weak ones?

Why were you talking
to your lawyer?

Hang on. I'm trying to
help your daughter.

No, no, no. Just-just
real quick.

Is it for a prenup?

Bonnie, come on. She's upset.

- Don't worry about this. This...
- 'Cause I know lawyers, too.

- Really? You want to do this now?
- Well, you seem to want to do it.

Great, let's set a meeting.

Let's do it. My guy's
a real pit bull.

My guy was part of the team
that k*lled Bin Laden.

Oh, yeah, well, my guy's
a recovering alcoholic,

and they're mean.

I know. I'm marrying one.

Now you're gonna watch me read?

So I've narrowed it down
to two centerpieces.

Do you like the calla
lilies or the sunflower?

What the hell?!

What?

I'm trying to plan our wedding,

and you're making out
with Louise again?

Well, I'm trying to
make out with Louise,

and you keep planning
our wedding.

Fine. I'll choose
the flowers myself.

Me... I like a Gerber daisy.

- You're my Gerber daisy.
- Mmm. Aw.

I hate you.

Every night this week,
the same dream.

Except Wednesday, I dreamt

I was the night manager
of a gas station.

Could've been a premonition.
We'll see.

Are you afraid Adam's
actually cheating on you?

No, I trust him.

Plus, I went to Trader Joe's and
did a little digging on Louise.

Turns out she's into the ladies.

So you went to Trader Joe's
and basically stalked someone

because she appeared
in your dream.

Attagirl.

Let's be clear. I was already
there for the wasabi peas.

It's not like I made
a special trip.

Ah, 'cause that would
cross the line.

I never have dreams.

You don't dream?

Nope.

Every night is just an
eight-hour preview of death.

You know who else doesn't dream?

Serial K*llers.

Why would you say that?

I'm not saying she is one.

I'm just saying she's not alone.

Can we just get the check
and go to the meeting?

I thought you had class.

I'm not going.

You're skipping already?

I'm not skipping. I quit.

No, you can't quit.

I'm not cut out for law school.
It's just too hard.

They're trying to weed
out the weak ones,

and I'm saving them the trouble.

- Say something.
- Say something.

Am I just listening, or
do you want feedback?

Just listening. I-I've
made up my mind.

The only thing I've learned

from two weeks in law school
is that I'm clueless.

Though not as clueless as you.

How can you not see you're
having these dreams

about Adam cheating on
you because deep down

you want him to help
you with the wedding?

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

Believe it or not, you
have actually grown,

and you want a real partnership.

You don't want to be
the narcissistic,

steamrolling monster
you've always been.

I'm pretty sure I do.

Christy,

you didn't think you
could get your GED.

You didn't think you
could get into college.

You didn't think you could
get into law school,

but you did all those things.

We always look at the mountains
ahead of us, and we forget

the mountains behind us
were just as hard to climb.

Whoa.

We got to start writing
this stuff down.

Hi. My name is Amanda, and
I guess I'm an alcoholic

Hi, Amanda.

I've never been to
a meeting before,

so I'm not really sure
what I'm supposed to say.

I don't know how I'm gonna get
through today without drinking.

Hi. My name is Christy,

and I think I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Christy.

This is my first
time at a meeting,

and, uh...

I came here because, um...

I've done a lot of screwed
up things in my life,

but, the one thing I said

I would never do is, uh...

do... drive drunk with
my kids in the car.

And then...

Um...

And I-I thought that that would
be enough to get me to stop,

but...

then I drank again the next day.

Actually, that's not true.

I drank that night.

Um, and every morning since,

I-I wake up, and I say,

"I am not gonna drink today,"

no but I'm always drunk by 5:00.

Uh...

No matter what I
do, I can't stop.

I'm here to... to
try to get sober,

but, it seems impossible.

So,

I'm here today,

and I guess that's something.

That's it.

Hi. I'm Cynthia, and
I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Cynthia.
- You were right.

Last night I was out to
dinner with some friends...

Law school isn't the hardest
thing I've ever done.

For a split second, I thought,
"I want to try that."

Amazing how fast I can forget
that I'm an alcoholic.

So, instead, I sipped
my cranberry juice...

Where are you going?

I have class, and I've got to
find the kid I sold my books to.

To remind me every day that
I can't have just one.

I mean, maybe I could have one,

but in no time, I know
I would be back...

Um, I'm Christy.

Let me give you my number.

No longer be asked out to
dinner by friends. Crazy.

- Aah!
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, there's nothing
to be sorry about.

Just go back to sleep.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Wait.
- Aw. What?

- I want you to help plan the wedding.
- Really?

Yeah, it shouldn't
just be about me.

It should be about us, about
our life together, so...

I need you to be a part of it.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

I always thought it'd be kind of
cool to get married on a boat.

- That's not happening.
- Okay.

And see? Isn't this better?

Mmm.

Oh, one more thing?

No more shopping
at Trader Joe's.

Oh, fine, whatever.

Not that it matters, but you
know, the real Louise is gay.

How do you know that?

Uh... it was in the newsletter.

Good night, baby.