06x04 - Big Sauce and Coconut Water

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Mom...
- I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Bon...
- Bonnie Plunkett?!

You ruined my life!

You got me kicked
out of that house.

No, no, you got
kicked out because

you stole our foster
father's wallet.

No, you stole his
wallet and planted it

- in my book bag.
- Oh, yeah.

I went to the prison
officials and explained

your att*ck on me was
totally justified.

- Do you still draw?
- What?

You used to draw all those
crazy snakes everywhere.

Remember I drew one
on the neck of that

crazy redheaded guy
when he was asleep?

- What was his name?
- I don't remember. Man, he was psycho.

- Good in bed, though.
- Yeah, he was.

Sorry I'm late.

I got everything on your list,
so if the guards tell you

there were no Skittles,
then your conspiracy theory

becomes cold, hard fact.

Don't need 'em, don't care.

I'm getting out of this place.

You're escaping? Are
you using my plan?

I swear, it'll work.

No, I got parole.

How? I mean, great!

Yeah. Yeah, fourth
time's the charm.

Turns out, you throw enough
Bible quotes at them,

and who punched who during
what riot just fades away.

Well, hallelujah.

That's fantastic news.

Yeah, and none of it would've
happened without you.

- Me?
- Yeah. Before you came back in my life,

I had no idea people
like us could change,

but then I look at
you and the life

you've built for yourself,
and it gives me hope.

You're my role model.

Oh, damn it, why is
Marjorie never around

when I'm being praised?

So, uh, what's the deal?
When do you get out?

Next Wednesday, 4:00 a.m.

The big gate opens, I get
my pocketknife back,

and the shuttle takes me
to the halfway house.

- 4:00 a.m.?
- Yeah, they save a breakfast that way.

Oh.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Crazy idea:

What if instead of
the halfway house,

I pick you up and you
come live with me?

Really?

H-How can I be a role model

if you're not around to
see me work my magic?

You better not be
messing with me,

because I would
totally love that.

This is a decision
that should probably

take some thought,
but let's do it.

Man, I would hug you
if there wasn't

bulletproof glass between us.

- Oh, come on, what the hell?
- Oh, no.

I-If you knew what's been
rubbed on that glass,

- you might not want to...
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Ugh. Yeah.

- It's, uh, it's pretty moist.
- Yeah.

Listen, I have to
be the first share

at the meeting tonight
and then I'm splitting.

We're allowed to leave
if we get bored?

You two mind if I go before you?

I'm not leaving
because I'm bored.

If I catch the first
half of the AA meeting,

I can catch the second half of
my Gamblers Anonymous meeting

before I go home and read 300
sexy pages of property law.

May I remind you
that any problem

can be an opportunity
for growth.

May I remind you, most of
your day is drinking tea

while sitting still.

I'm hungry.

You're eating.

I'm tired.

- Hey. - Hey.
- Hey.

200 miles with the windows open,

I still smell like jail.

That what that is?

I thought it was Wendy's soup.

Oh, I thought it was
your spray tan.

So...

- How is Tammy doing?
- She's getting out.

You're kidding; that's great.

Yeah, good for her.

You know what's even
better for her? Me.

Challenge.

Accepted.

Turns out she looks up to me.

She says she wouldn't
even be getting out

if it weren't for the positive
impact I've had on her life.

To be fair, she wouldn't have
been in there if it weren't

for the "positive impact"
you had on her life.

Oh, roasted and toasted.

Do you want to hear
my story or not?

Can you skip the part about you?

Ooh! Wendy with the
three-pointer.

Instead of landing
in a halfway house,

Tammy's gonna live with me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Me," as in us? 'Cause
"us" includes me.

Yeah. I mean, what kind
of person would I be

if I left her on her own?

Well, the kind of
person you usually are.

If you high-five
one more person,

I'm gonna poke you
right in the boob.

I'm actually fine with
you bringing her home.

Really? Because I spent
the whole drive over here

fighting with you in
my head about this.

I will never get over
the things you said.

Mom, I get it. You're
being of service.

Which is what the
program tells us to do.

But I want to be
perfectly clear.

She's your responsibility.

You feed her, you walk her,

you clean up after her.

Understood. You won't have
to do a thing; I got this.

I'm sure you don't. But
let's crash forward anyway.

Ooh, y'all gonna be
living with a felon.

You better hide all
your expensive st...

Never mind.

- Morning.
- Hey.

Man, your mom blew out of here
in the middle of the night.

Yeah, I heard her trip over the
metal chair in the courtyard.

Hard to believe she
was once a burglar.

So, tell me about Tammy.
What am I in for?

Huge, pushy, loose cannon...

Well-intentioned,
but a little scary.

So, in other words, Bonnie.

Yeah, but fresh out of the cage.

Yikes. Permission to get high?

Granted.

Damn!

Who the hell left a
chair tipped over

in the middle of the courtyard?!

Here we are. Welcome
to our humble abode.

- Dog!
- Tammy!

Come back; he's harmless.

Sorry, uh, dogs and
me have never been

on the same page. Uh...

Don't worry; he loves everybody.

Uh, lot of challenges
today; just power through.

Hi, I'm Tammy.

- Adam.
- Oh, the touch of a man.

Sorry.

Sorry, that one just
snuck up on me.

Hey, Christy.

- Hi, Tammy, welcome.
- Uh, so, give me the tour.

Well, this is the
part we're proud of.

Oh. You should be.

I mean, you got furniture, a TV.

I can stretch my arms out
and not touch the walls.

Okay, bathroom's over
here, couch pulls out,

and you're welcome to
anything in the fridge.

The rice in the Tupperware is
for the dog, just know that.

Super cool of you guys
to let me stay here.

Bring it in, Big Sauce. Ah.

Oh!

Sh-She, she calls me Big Sauce.

Well, I'm off to law school.

Wait, you're in law school?

That's right, Tammy. I
can be inspiring, too.

Okay. So, you want to
unpack your, uh, suitcase?

Nah, it's just a
toothbrush and a catsuit

that doesn't fit me anymore.

Hey, were you serious
about the fridge?

- Anything you want.
- Awesome. Thank you.

Friend.

Friend. F-Friend.

So?

I like her. She's got
a lot of energy.

Well, she's a little overexcited
right now; she'll calm down.

Whoa, what the hell's
coconut water?!

Wait till she spots
the almond milk.

Oh, my God!

I just can't believe a dead
pet comes back in my dream

and has nothing to say to me.

I also had a sex dream about
the parking guy at Neiman's.

I forgot to get my
ticket validated

and it just went on from there.

Anyway.

Desperate for sex, miss my dog,
grateful to be sober, thanks.

Okay, who else would
like to share?

- Get in there, kid.
- Oh, okay, sure.

Hey, uh, Tammy, alcoholic.

Hi, Tammy.

Wow, I just... I can't believe

I'm sitting here
out in the world,

living in a really nice
place thanks to this

Wonder Woman right here. Is
it okay that I say that?

- It's your share.
- Okay.

Uh, anyway.

I got sober in prison, so,
uh, doing the program

on the outside's a little scary.

There's so many new
ways to get wasted now.

I mean, cotton
candy-flavored vodka?

Where were you when
I was sad, right?

Anyway, I got to get phone,
I got to get a job...

Hell, I got to get pants.

But, again, you know, thank
God I have a friend here

who's got my back. P.S.
I have hers, too.

So that's your warning.
I'm serious.

I'm giving each and every
one of you the eye.

- You...
- Tammy.

- It-It's okay.
- Oh, sorry. Prison.

I'm just really
grateful to be sober.

And I'd love to tongue kiss
whoever made these cookies.

No.

You don't even know
what I was gonna ask.

I'm pretty sure I do.

I didn't get to bed
till 3:00 a.m., so, no.

3:00 a.m.?

Tammy's a talker.

And a crier.

And a laugher.

And then a talker again.

Sorry you had a rough night.

No, no.

It's good.

'Cause when you're
doing good things

in the world, it's...
mm... good.

Mm. Hmm.

Great, you're up. Oh, hey, Adam.

- How are you today?
- Uh...

Pillow makes his
hair kind of fluffy.

Hey, I wanted to
make you breakfast,

but I wasn't sure if you
like eggs, you like bacon...

Damn it! Everyone likes bacon.

- Think it through, Tammy!
- It's okay.

I'm just gonna pop into the
bathroom for a second.

Roger that, boss.

So what's on the
agenda for today?

'Cause anything is okay with me.

I mean, there's so many places
I haven't been in seven years.

The beach, the park, Denny's.

You can't b*at a
menu with pictures.

Hey, I know I got to get
started looking for a job,

but then I thought,
"Oh, come on, Tammy.

Give yourself half a day."

I'm a much better
planner after coffee.

Oh, sh**t! I was gonna
make you coffee,

but you got that flimsy
top loader there,

and I'm used to making
coffee for 200 women.

Hey, I found this in your couch.

Hope it's okay I'm using it.

Water goes in there. Got it.

- Morning.
- Hey, Spoonful.

Your mom's showing me
how to make coffee.

Yeah, making coffee's the
one thing she can do

before she has coffee.

Hey, maybe Spoonful can
walk you through this

while I go grab a shower.

Love to, but got
to get to school.

Plus, the way you
make coffee is so...

inspirational and
super role modely.

Smug is not a good color on you.

Yes, it is.

Have a great day, Christy!

- - Whoa!

Take her.

Hello. Can I help you?

I'm looking for
Tammy Diffendorf.

- You a friend of hers?
- I'm her parole officer,

here for an inspection.

I don't think she
knows you're coming.

Yeah, that's kind of the idea.

Uh, right. That door there.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey!

Where's your shadow?

Two stories and a
glass of water,

but I finally got her down.

What did you guys do today?

You know that geyser in
Calistoga we've never seen?

Well, I've seen it, and
you don't need to.

Is Big Sauce having
second thoughts?

Not at all.

Tammy is a delight, and I
will see you in the morning.

Hold up. Where do you
think you're going?

- Adam's.
- Oh, no, no. No, no, you are not.

What's the big deal? I
want to be with my fiancé.

- Why can't he sleep here?
- He can.

He just finds it difficult living under
Tammy's parole restrictions, and...

He can't get high.

I don't care! You are not
leaving me alone with her!

You promised that she would
be your responsibility.

But I miss Adam.

Well, you should have
thought of that before...

No! Tammy!

Tammy, wake up!

Tammy, it's me, Big Sauce!

- Oh!
- Whoa!

- So close.
- What?

What happened?

You were having a bad dream.

No.

That was a night terror.

I'm sorry. Did I forget to
mention I get night terrors?

It's okay, Tammy.

My mom is here for you.

Good night.

Will you read me
Goodnight Moon again?

I would have been
okay at a Goodwill.

We didn't have to go fancy.

When you can buy tires

at the same place you're buying
clothes, it's not that fancy.

- You just need some basics.
- Mm.

Well, as long as they got
a little zing to 'em.

I want to start dating ASAP.

How about we focus on an
outfit for a job interview?

See, that's why I need you.

Here I am, craving a hairy
back I can scratch up,

and you got your eye
on the big picture.

Okay, let's start you
off with some jeans.

Everyone needs a solid pair of those.
What's your style?

- Oh, I don't really know.
- Okay, well, you got

the boot cut, the boyfriend cut,
the low-rise, the high-rise.

Personally, I like
a nice jegging.

What the hell's a "jegging"?

They're leggings that
look like jeans.

Well, what are you saying?
Can't I just have blue?

Well, sure. You want the
stonewashed, prewashed, vintage?

- Oh, my God, stop.
- What's wrong?

You're just... you're coming
at me with a lot of stuff.

I mean, for the
last seven years,

I've worn nothing
but prison sweats.

Well, great. Let's go
check out some sweats.

Why would I want sweats?!
That's all I've been wearing

for seven years. Haven't
you been listening?!

Tammy, it's okay. Take a breath.

I'm trying. Can't.
Can't breathe.

Too many damn choices!

Are you ladies finding
everything okay?

- We're fine.
- I'm not.

Well, if you don't see
anything you like,

we've got more
choices in the back.

No more choices! I
make bad choices.

That's how I ended up in prison!

Why is everyone staring at me?

Stop looking at me.
Don't look at me!

Oh, my God, this is so soft.

Do you have it in my size?

They're called night terrors.

She has them all the time.

Last night, she actually got
a lock of my mom's hair.

Poor Bonnie.

Are you kidding me?

This is the greatest payback in
the history of the universe.

I finally believe in God.

Ooh, buckle up.

Here comes 12 feet of scary.

- Ah. Look at you, Tammy.
- Ooh.

- Yeah, you look very nice.
- Thanks. I picked 'em out myself.

- So shopping was a success.
- We got out alive.

- What happened?
- Oh, I totally freaked out

and punched a mannequin, but
after some deep breaths

and a trip to Color Me Mine with
Big Sauce here, I calmed down.

Your mugs are all on the way.

Well, you just got
out of prison.

It's a big adjustment.

I remember when I first got
out, took me a few months

to take a shower without
bringing a Kn*fe.

See? Kn*fe in the shower.

It's a muscle memory.

We had a little Bates Motel
incident this morning.

Hey, put me down for
a Denver omelet.

- I got to hit the can.
- Tammy?

- The Kn*fe.
- Right, right, right.

We were just talking about it.

Be better, Tammy.

I am so proud of you.

You're doing a wonderful thing.

Yeah, I'm seeing you
in a whole new light.

I got to get rid of her.

Yeah, I told you she wouldn't
last more than two days.

You all owe me five bucks.

I can't do this.

I feel like one of those
people who brings in a dog

and realizes it's a coyote.

Bonnie, a person just out of
prison is gonna be a challenge.

Yeah, I know that now, Marge.

The worst part is,
this was my idea.

She was all set to go
to a halfway house

where they probably have some
vague notion what they're doing,

but I had to open my
big, generous mouth. Uh.

Why couldn't you
just tell me "no"?

You're usually so good at that.

I was trying to be supportive.
It'll never happen again.

So, who's gonna tell her
she's got to go? Christy?

Marjorie? Christy?

Oh, no, if she's gonna be
driven out to the country

and left in a field,
you're doing it.

Fine.

I just have to wait for the
right moment when she's happy

and there's plenty
of people around.

But not us, right?

How sweet is a
dumper with a door?

- There you are!
- I wasn't hiding.

Man, I just cannot get used

to this having no
structure, you know?

Nobody telling me where
to be, what to do,

when to go outside for an hour.

Yeah, that's a tricky one.

You think it might help if maybe...
I don't know...

You were in a more
structured environment?

Maybe around people who
were going through

what you're going through?

No, I got you.

Sure, sure.

So, what's the problem there?

Oh. Not a clue. I
know it's leaking.

I'm just taking it apart looking

for something with
a cr*ck in it.

- Hand me that wrench.
- Why?

- I want to take a sh*t at it.
- Oh. Sure, yeah. Knock yourself out.

All right.

You know, Tammy,

people are a lot like
washing machines.

When they're broken,
they need to go

to a special place
for broken machines.

I guess what I'm trying to
say is I just don't think...

- There you go.
- What?

The fill hose was loose.
I tightened her back up.

- Wait. It's fixed?
- As good as new.

I mean, for a piece of
junk that's 20 years old.

How did you know how to do that?

Oh, God, are you kidding me? I
was locked up for seven years.

I took building maintenance,
electrical, plumbing, carpentry.

Every time I signed up for
cosmetology, it was full,

so I can't cut your hair.

But I can Sheetrock
like a son of a bitch.

Huh.

Hot damn, it feels good to
finally do something for you.

Huh.

♪ Do, do-do-do, do, do ♪

♪ Dah, Dee, Dee,
bee, badoop-boo. ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm almost afraid to ask.

Did you talk to Tammy?

Oh, I started to, but you know,

it's really only been
a couple of days.

I mean, is it tough? Yes.

Maybe the hardest thing I've
ever done in my entire life.

But is it worth it?

I think we both know
the answer to that.

Hey, I re-keyed the lock on 2A,

and fixed the blind
guy's air conditioner.

Now I got to started
on the floodlights.

But I might need a ride
to the hardware store

to pick up some Romex and conduit.
Okay.

I don't know what any of
that is, but you got it.

Great. I'm just gonna
grab a coconut water.

Leave me alone. It's a win-win.

That's your cue, Big Sauce.

Oh.

Christy, help! I got too close!

- Ow!
- Be right there.

Christy, help!