06x05 - Flying Monkeys and a t*nk of Nitrous

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

Waiting for the bathroom.

Tammy's taken it hostage.

Just go use the one upstairs.

Good idea. I'll just
hop in the elevator.

Sorry, but isn't it great

I don't even see
the chair anymore?

Yeah, you're the best.

How you doing in there, Tammy?

Wrapping it up, boss.

Just scraping the
jail out of my feet.

Oh, I got to scrape that
image out of my mind.

Keep looking. Maybe food
will magically appear.

Tammy even polished off
the mystery Tupperware.

We should ask her what
the hell was in there.

Mac and cheese. I
still say chicken.

Maybe.

Hey, guys, I think we need

to set some time limits
on the bathroom.

Ah, give her break. This is
the first time in seven years

she's been able to take a shower
that didn't turn into a date.

Hey, Adam, thanks
again for tomorrow.

- Mm.
- We are gonna have a blast.

I know. I can't wait.

He doesn't know what I'm
talking about, does he?

Not a clue.

San Francisco, tickets to
Wicked, graduation gift

- for the little scamp.
- You never told me that.

Oh, please. It was right
there on your Visa bill.

But I hate plays.

This isn't a play.
It's a musical.

You're rowing in the
wrong direction.

Look, come on, Adam.

It's about the Wizard of Oz.
It'll be great.

So a musical about a musical?

Why, that changes everything.

What do you want to do
with the extra ticket?

How about Marjorie?

Eh... It's a long drive.

How about Tammy?

Tammy yells at the TV.

What's she gonna do when there's
flying monkeys coming at her?

- Jill?
- In the nosebleed seats?

She'll jump to her death.

- Oh.
- Wendy?

Oh, come on. Be serious.

Well, we're out of friends,
so we're back to Marjorie.

And she could use a break.
Since Victor's stroke,

her whole life has been
taking care of him.

How's he doing anyway?

Pretty much the same.

Super sad. Hey, why don't
we scalp the ticket?

What? I said, "Super sad."

I'm calling Marjorie.

Fine.

You dodged this b*llet,

but you're still taking me
to see Cher next month.

Cher?!

What is happening?

You really need to start
looking at your Visa bill.

Wow. We are way up here.

I hope we can tell
which witch is which.

Thank God Adam didn't come.

I completely forgot to
get him a handicap seat.

We would've had to pass him
down the row like a hot dog.

Well, I don't care
where we're sitting.

I have been dying
to see this show.

I know every song by heart.

But we're gonna let the
actors sing 'em, right?

Sure, they can join in.

Switch with me, now.

Oh, my God, she was
flying and singing.

Isn't this amazing?

She didn't choose to be wicked.

It was thrust upon her!

I know. Now I
understand you better!

So do I.

Thank you both so much.
I'm having the best time.

And you weren't lying.
You do know every word.

Uh-huh.

- Can I see your bag of candy?
- Oh.

Help yourself.

You'll get this back at
the end of the show.

I fixed it, lady, so
you can stop sighing.

I think I've got go
to the bathroom,

but I know the line's
gonna be way too long.

Just use the men's room.

It's San Francisco.
No one's gonna ask.

Oh, my God.

Victor's had another stroke.

Oh, no.

- We got to go.
- Of course.

Yeah, we should all go.

Has anybody heard from Marjorie?

Went by this morning, and
she didn't answer the door.

If your husband just d*ed,
would you want to talk?

Poor woman was by his side every
minute, month after month,

and the one time she
gets dragged away...

Got it, Mom. I k*lled Victor
by taking her to a musical.

I can't stop thinking
about Victor.

He was ripped from us too soon!

Did she even know Victor?

She barely knows Marjorie.

Till a week ago, she was
calling her "Marsha."

I'm sorry. I just shoved my
feelings down in the slammer.

Now they're just
sh**ting out of me.

So people in prison
actually say "slammer"?

You makin' fun of my words?

No, sir, I am not.

- Hey, ladies.
- Hey. - Hey.

Guess who got a parking
space right out front.

- You're here.
- I'm so sorry.

- Oh, yeah.
- How you doing?

Oh, thank you. I'm okay.

I dropped by earlier.
Where were you?

Ah, well, I had to buy the
cookies, and on the way home,

I saw the cutest sweater
in a store window,

and what do you think?

- You went shopping?
- Well, it was more of an impulse buy.

I didn't think you'd
be going out today.

If I had known, I would
have picked you up.

Don't be silly. I can drive.
Yeah.

Ooh, hoo.

You know, you forget
about macaroons,

and then you have one,
and it's, like, wow.

Anybody else think she seems
a little too... not sad?

She's probably still in shock.

Mm, she should be. That
sweater's a swing and a miss.

Everyone grieves
in their own way.

She's not grieving at all.

She's shopping and
eating and parking.

Some keep it inside,
some let it out.

There's no rulebook
for feelings.

When did booze commercials
start showing up on TV again?

I mean, I'm watching my Hallmark
Christmas movie marathon,

and there's an ad for some
kind of fancy bourbon

that's been tongue-kissed
by the devil.

Suddenly I'm horny, I
want to get drunk,

and I could give a flying fig

if Reba McEntire makes it
home for the holidays.

Thanks.

Would anyone else like to share?

Is anyone else sure
they don't want share?

If I wanted to share,
I'd raise my hand.

I know how it works.

I could go again.

Maybe this time,
you'll pay attention.

Yesterday, she went mall
jogging, had some Wetzel bits,

and then she bought a
colander at Williams Sonoma.

Are you stalking her?

No, she Instagrammed it.

The pretzels or the colander?

Both. I don't think she
totally gets Instagram.

Or death.

Christy, why don't you let her
get through this in her own way?

Hey, she's the one who told me

if we bury our feelings, it
could lead to a relapse.

It could. And guess what?
You have no control

over someone else's
drinking, so let this go.

You let it go.

Does Marjorie have a sponsor?

- Yes.
- Does she work the program?

- Yes.
- Does she have a higher power?

- Yes.
- Ls it you?

Yes. I mean, no.

So you gonna let it go?

Okay.

Your lips say "okay," but
those crazy eyes say,

"I'm gonna get under the hood
of this engine and rip it up."

It's that obvious?

How were you ever a gambler

with a poker face like that?

That's not my poker face.

This... is my poker face.

It's very effective.

Just leave the flowers anywhere.

Two hour service
and not one tear.

I thought she was going for
a tissue at one point,

but she just had a
bug in her eye.

It's healthy. She's moving on.

But when I go, I expect you to
throw yourself on the coffin

and curse God for
taking me so young.

Don't worry. When
the time comes,

I've got a whole
performance planned out.

Great.

Wait.

You gave a beautiful eulogy.

So many Victor fun facts.

I mean, who knew he was
an amateur magician?

I did.

We had a long dinner
here one night,

which was lovely.

He made an entire
Saturday night go poof.

Adam, I just remembered.

I have something I
want you to have.

Oh.

I hope it's a beer.

Yeah, she keeps a six-pack
of beer in her bedroom.

I used to keep

a keg and a t*nk of
nitrous in my bedroom.

Unbelievable.

Don't judge. You did stuff, too.

I'm talking about Marjorie.

It is odd. She cried
more when her cat d*ed.

Well, I'm officially worried.

The only thing she got
upset about at the funeral

was when those bagpipes started
warming up for the next service.

I think that hit all of us hard.

These were Victor's.

I thought you might like them.

Oh.

A velor tracksuit?

I have always wanted
one of these.

Now you have six of them.

You're too sweet.

Never outside the house.

Got a special place you
want to put the urn?

Maybe by your bedside so you'll
feel like he's there at night?

No. This'll be fine.

Seriously? Next to
the Raisin Bran?

It's only temporary.

Victor wanted his ashes spread
around the apple orchard

where he proposed to me.

Aw, when you gonna do it?

I don't know. It's a long drive.
I'll get to it.

If you'd like, I'll go with you.

I'd like to see where
Victor proposed.

Maybe we can all go.

Yeah, great.

Mom?

I changed my mind.
Never outside...

Just never.

And yes to whatever
you're talking about.

I didn't know Victor
was into Cuban cigars.

I did. Again, epic dinner.

Check it out. Smoke ring.

Nope.

Victor used to smoke one
of these every night.

Aw, Marjorie.

So many memories.

I bet everywhere you look,

you see reminders of
your life together.

Uh-huh.

No more Christmases.

No more crossword
puzzles in bed.

Reel it in.

Why did men get cigars?

I say we take these
and give them Spanx.

Forget Spanx. Give
them mammograms.

Ooh, how about menstrual cramps?

Yeah, or deep rectal spasms.

Why did Victor propose
to you in an orchard?

Actually, it's a
very romantic story.

Ooh, get out the tissues.

We were driving to a bed
and breakfast in Carmel,

and we hit a huge possum.

Got twisted up in the axle,
so we had to pull over.

Boy, it's like a
Harlequin romance.

Anyway, when Victor
reached under the car

to try to yank out what was
left of the poor thing,

the ring fell out of his jacket.

I was so thrilled, I said
yes before he even asked.

And it all happened

in front of a lovely
apple orchard?

No, that's where we
buried the possum.

When I go, I want to be buried

in my garden with my cats.

You have a garden
full of dead cats?

I've eaten zucchini
from that garden.

Meow.

For the record, you're
not cremating me.

That way when the zombie
apocalypse happens,

I can crawl out of my grave
and eat all your faces.

Anyone else feeling a
little lightheaded?

Seriously, who inhales a cigar?

I'm an addict. I
inhale everything.

Well, this can't be right.

It has to be.

Is it possible they
built the Costco

around the apple orchard?

How can it just be gone?

Oh.

It's okay.

Let it out. We're here.

- What's happening?
- She's losing it.

Come on, you guys.

My romantic orchard
is now a Costco.

You got to laugh.

Or cry.

Again, no more
Christmases, birthdays,

accidentally setting
two places at dinner.

Oh, God, I'm alone.

You hit the wrong target.

Here you go. Mustard, onions.

Delish.

How's Jill enjoying her
first time buying in bulk?

She was scared at first,

but last I saw, she had
a case of vitamin E

and enough AA batteries to
send her vibrator to the Moon.

I think we just bought
our last pickle.

Geez, that bucket's
bigger than Victor.

Mom.

What? Marjorie never
makes me laugh.

You should be enjoying this.

Yeah, lighten up.

Actually, I think you're
being a little too light.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm sorry,

but for a woman who's carrying
around her dead husband,

you don't seem very upset.

Of course I'm upset.

Then why aren't you showing it?

How many times

have you told us keeping
things bottled up

is a great way to end up
with a bottle in your hand?

Oh, my God, you're just
like a woodpecker.

You're gonna keep pecking at me

until I feel the way
you want me to feel.

I was just trying to help.

Want to help? Leave me alone.

- Marjorie, I really think...
- I don't want to hear it.

I'll be in the car.

Really messed that up.

Yes, you did.

This may have been a mistake.

What did you say to Marjorie?

Butt out, Nosey Nancy.

Hey.

I know what she said.

Then you tell me.

Mom, shut up.

What's going on?

Christy pissed off Marjorie.

Is that why no one's talking?

What do you think?

Can someone send me a
life in Candy Crush?

I was just trying to help.

Sorry, I don't know how
I made that happen.

Good Lord, would
you all just stop?

What's going on?

They're texting about me.

What? No. Candy Crush.

You know what,
Marjorie, we were.

And everyone agrees with me.

What? No. Candy Crush.

Damn, I'm missing
all the action.

This is why I need one of
those self-driving cars.

There are self-driving cars?

How long was I in prison?

Fine, Marjorie, I'll shut up.

Go ahead and grieve
any way you want.

I'm not grieving.
That's the problem.

Finally!

I mean... go on.

You know what my first feeling
was when I heard the news?

First thing that went
through my head?

Relief.

Not shock. Not sadness. Relief.

That's totally understandable.
Victor was suffering.

No, I was relieved for me.

You don't know how many times
I pulled up to the house

and didn't want to go inside.

I felt like a monster.

How were you a monster?

You were always there for him.

Then what's wrong with me?

I cried more over my cat.

There was some
discussion of that.

Marjorie, I see this a
lot at the hospital.

When people are sick
for a long time,

their families mourn them
long before they're gone.

Huh.

Where was that nugget
150 miles ago?

I actually said it, but
you all talked over me.

The point is, it doesn't
mean you didn't care.

Thank you, Wendy.
That's helpful.

Wait a minute.

She's helpful, and I'm not?

Not your day, woodpecker.

So...

six-hour drive, and
he just ended up

in a different part
of the kitchen.

Did Victor have a
second favorite place?

Yeah, did he run over
any other animals

on the way to doing
something romantic?

I think I'm gonna keep
him here for now.

Next to the sugar and flour?

That's a bad biscuit
waiting to happen.

I'm just not ready
to let him go.

Take all the time you need.

I will.

Thank you.

Helpful.

I'm really lucky to have you.

All of you.

Excuse me, Boz Scaggs
needs a little loving.

He was Victor's favorite.

Christy, I changed my mind.

I don't want to be buried.
I want to be cremated.

- Why?
- So I can be with you forever.

Or sprinkled on the freeway.
We'll see.

Hey, guys.

And then out of the darkness,

the flying monkeys
zoom, zoom, zoom,

- zoom, zoom!
- What's going on?

Turned out Tammy did a
production of Wicked in prison.

She's filling us in
on what we missed.

No talking in the theater.
And cell phones off.

And then the bad witch
confronts the wizard,

and guess what? Turns
out he's her father.

Boom! Gut punch.

Just like Luke and Darth Vader.

And then Luke screams "No!"

And then Darth Vader
chops his hand off.

"Ow!"

And then Luke gets a robot hand.

- Does she realize she
jumped to Star Wars? -

Who cares? She's k*lling it.

Now, see, I would have
gone to this show.

By the way, you're still
taking me to Cher.

Fine, but I'm wearing this.