06x06 - Cottage Cheese and a Weird Buzz

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Mom...
- Oh, my God, what?

I'm in the middle
of a tennis lesson.

My mom just got arrested,

and I need to borrow
two grand for bail.

God, Christy, you
gambled Adam's money?

I did.

So then I called Jill.

And you gambled
Jill's money, too?

Uh, this past week, I gambled
away $4,000 of my friends' money

and stranded my mom
in a jail cell.

Oh, Jill. I've got some more
of the money that I owe you.

Payment number three.

Thank you, Christy.

Only 37 to go.

Oh, there's a 12:30 matinee
about the aliens who...

- No.
- Ooh, how 'bout the two women who

- realize they're dating the same man?
- No.

- There's the new Tom...
- No.

- Oh, wait a minute. Hanks or Cruise?
- Hanks.

- No.
- Cruise?

No.

How 'bout the one where the
daughter is so desperate

for quiet, she beats her
mother with a law book?

I don't like documentaries.

Come on, we'll argue about
the movie on the way.

Hey, has anyone
kidnapped a member

of Liam Neeson's family lately?

I wish. Not till Christmas.

Uh, Tammy, what are you doing?

Oh, my ChapStick rolled
under the bookcase,

so I pulled it out and
spotted a stain here.

Full disclosure, I
found a dollar.

Anyway, it looks
like water damage.

Yeah, that's why we keep
the bookcase there.

In fact, every
piece of furniture

in here is hiding something.

You think we wanted to
put a desk over there?

But water damage
could be serious.

I'm sure it is, but
when I paint over it,

it goes away for six months.

Okay, we're going to a movie.

Oh, thanks, I can't come.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- Maybe next time.

All right, have fun.

Do you need to do that?

Sure do. Checking
for water damage.

It's the silent k*ller.

Not very silent.

Listen, can you hear
the different tones?

All I hear is me flunking
out of law school.

Might be some mold, too.

Could explain your headaches.

I don't have headaches.

Really? So you just make
that face for no reason?

Look, I know you just
want to help out,

and we appreciate it, but
I'm trying to study.

Roger that. Pursuit
of the dream.

Man, this wall's
like cottage cheese.

Whoops.

Oh, my God,

get your hand out of there.

Oh!

Are you sure you don't
have headaches?

'Cause there's that face again.

I don't usually
like action movies,

but that was kind of fun.

Eh, they lost me with
the so-called stunts.

"It was all computer graphics."

It was all computer graphics.

I mean, in my day,

when you fought on the
wing of a jet fighter,

you really fought on the
wing of a jet fighter.

Did you do that?

Well, not while it was moving.

That'd be too dangerous.

Ooh, that guy's getting
a neck tattoo.

Is it the word "mistake"?

Hey, check it out, Grandma and
Grandpa are getting inked.

Were they talking about us?

Do you see their
grandparents around?

Hey! Hey, we're not that old.

And pull up your pants.

Why don't you just call
him "whippersnapper"?

Screw them. We're still cool.

You know what?
Let's get tattoos.

Why? The mean boys are gone.

Not for them, for us. Come on. Tell
me it's not on your bucket list.

I-I don't really need a tattoo.
I got ice cream.

Please? His and her tattoos.
It'll be so romantic.

Or we could go home
and make love.

Eh.

And now Tammy's got the
whole wall torn apart.

It's like the world's saddest
home remodeling show.

Ta-da, it's still a dump.

Between us, she scares me.

- Really? She loves you.
- Aw, she's the best.

Anyway,

study here as long as you like.

Thanks. Tammy said it's only
gonna be a couple of days.

Oh, honey, I know how
construction goes.

Whether it's new boobs
or a new bathroom,

it always takes longer and hurts
way more than they tell you.

Well, this is amazing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
don't sit down yet.

The second foot towel isn't in place.
Belinda?

Flying in.

Oh, I-I think I can scrape
by with one foot towel.

One would think.

Anything else, ma'am?

Just the blueberry blend that
I asked for 20 minutes ago.

Isn't she great?

It's like I got Mary Poppins
bringing me smoothies.

You need anything?

No, just some quiet.

Yeah, well, this is a
perfect place to work.

Read a book out here once.

Turns out Rob Lowe
had a hard life.

Oh, my God.

What are these towels
made of, kittens?

Enjoy. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go change.

For what? It's 2:00.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Me, too. This is super fun.

You almost done back there?

No, just finishing
the B in "Bonnie."

Are you kidding? I need a break.

A-And can I have another juice?

Come on, you big wuss. I
thought you were tough.

This hurts.

Yeah, but it hurts so good.

Okay. All done.

Take a look.

"Adam" in a big old heart.

That's it. We can
never break up.

No, seriously.

I can't be a middle-aged woman

limited to guys named Adam.

Bonnie, don't worry, I... Ow!

What happened to
three, two, one?

Crab roll, how do you plead?

Guilty of being delicious.

Mm, another smoothie, nice.

I could get used to this.

Don't. I'm going home soon,

and Jill doesn't know
how to use the blender.

How's the studying going?

Wow.

Which part?

The part that's
making me squint.

That's the Bavarian
cut crystals.

You're the first person to see
me in it, so you're welcome.

I do feel kind of special.

Guess how much it cost.

Oh, we'll be here all day.

$3,284.

I'm sorry, what?

I know it's a bit much,
but I'm a bit much.

Oh, good. You know.

Well, I'll let you get
back to your books.

Oh, I almost forgot.

It's the first of the month.
Do you have something for me?

Um, a "welcome to November" hug?

No, I'm talking about
the money you owe me.

Oh. Wait, you want it now?

Well, that's the payment
plan we agreed on.

$75, first of every month.

But if you don't have the cash,
you can just bring it tomorrow.

I mean, I don't have any
pockets on this thing anyway.

Right, got it. I mean,
I don't got it.

But maybe by tomorrow, I'll get
it and then I'll give it to you.

Okeydokey. Oh... thumbprint.

Got to go Windex my tummy.

Did she really just
ask me for 75 bucks?

She did.

While she's wearing a
$3,000 chandelier?

Yes, indeedy.

God, rich people can be so...

Shh. There are
cameras everywhere.

My tattoo is still burning.
Is yours burning?

Like a wildfire. Isn't it great?

No. Burning is bad.

That's the whole
premise of hell.

Come here, let me see
how yours turned out.

Wait, uh, they say you should

keep it covered for
at least 24 hours.

Yeah. They also say you
shouldn't put Q-tips

in your ears, but I ride
that high every morning.

What the hell is "Bo"? Where's
the rest of "Bonnie"?

What? I always call you Bo.

- Since when?
- Since forever, Bo.

Unbelievable. You wimped out.

Wimped out? I didn't even want
to do it in the first place.

Whoa, wait. Are we in
the wrong apartment?

Where's the wall?

- Don't worry, boss. I'm fixing it.
- Why'd you break it?

Water broke it.
Powerful thing, water.

Created the Grand Canyon,
Niagara Falls, the moon.

Aw, Tammy.

Why couldn't you
just leave it alone?

And let the people I love
get sick from black mold?

Not on my watch.

She's actually doing
you a favor, Bo.

"Bo," I like that.

Yeah, well, forget it,
'cause it's not gonna stick.

That's such a Bo thing to say.

And here we have Travis.

He's very fit, he appears to be
into weightlifting and travel.

Ooh, he's cute. Swipe right.

Next up is yet another Travis.

Hey.

Oh, hey. We're just
playing on Tinder.

I know I can't date yet, but
I can still window-shop.

I do the same thing
with health care.

So, it was a slow shift at work,

but I went into
extra grovel mode

- and came up with the money I owe you.
- Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Um, still no pockets.

Here, Belinda. Why don't
you get yourself a facial?

You're looking a little clogged.

Whatever makes
your world better.

Jill, what the hell?

What?

I busted my butt for that money.

It barely even stayed in
your hand for a second.

So what? You owed it to me.

But you clearly don't need it.

But you owed it to me.

- But you don't need it.
- But you owed it to me.

But you don't need it.

But I'm not having this
conversation anymore.

- But you don't need it!
- Aah!

This suit is not for swimming!

Belinda, help!

Don't touch my money.

Save the suit!

Save the suit!

I'm using a 120 grit.

Thought about going
with the 240,

but that's just showboating.

Are you talking to me?

No, I completely
forgot you were there.

Okay, second coat of
plaster, your turn to shine.

Oh, thank God you're back.

- Where you been?
- To the florist.

I brought you a little rose.

Oh. Where is it?

In my pants. Kapow!

- You got another one?
- It took twice as long

- and felt twice as good.
- This is crazy.

Yeah, I agree. A
rose with no thorns?

Where's the poetry in that?

Darn, you're right.

No problem. Get me a guitar
string and some boot polish

and I can thorn that bitch
up before lights-out.

And there's the poetry.

Rich people are
soulless bastards.

They should all rot in hell.
Who are we talking about?

Jill. Parading around in her
billion-dollar bathing suit,

squeezing me for a
measly 75 bucks.

You pushed me in my pool!

Oh, and I pushed
her in her pool.

I am not the bad guy here.

What I do with my
money is my business.

I can burn it, I can
blow my nose with it,

or I can give it to a
friend who gambles it away

instead of bailing out her mom.

Here's the mirror, Christy.
Here's the mirror!

Oh, yeah?

I didn't... Did
you see a mirror?

I didn't see a mirror.

You really don't get it, do you?

You have no idea what
that money means to me.

It's food on my plate, gas
in my car, books for school.

I get that I have
to pay you back,

but when you treat it
like it's meaningless,

it's a slap in my face.

Do you really think this
is about the money?

I don't care about your money.
I care about you.

The only reason I kept
you to that payment plan

was to support your recovery.

Well, that's... incredibly nice!

And?

Hang on, I wasn't prepared

for you to make a good point.

Oh, Lord, I'm cold,

and I don't want to
do this anymore.

If this debt is gonna
ruin our friendship,

then just forget about it.

- Really?
- Yeah, we're square.

Now, I got to pee, and
only Belinda knows how

to get me out of
this disco ball.

Yeah, Jill was a little pissed,

but she realized that
we're both better off

if she just lets
me off the hook.

Yeah, actually, Christy, in
Gamblers Anonymous, we say...

Stop. I'm happy, and what
we say always ruins it.

Can you walk while you talk?

You're blocking the ribs.

Come here, kid. Step
into my office.

Oh, I don't want to
learn while I eat.

Listen to me.

Paying back a debt is a
crucial part of the process.

Agreed. And next time, I
will definitely do that.

No. No, you're gonna
do it this time.

See, every time a
debt goes away,

you feel like you've
beaten the system,

and that is not a healthy
thing for a gambler.

You b*at the system?
How'd you do it?

Lucy, eat your ribs.

We'll talk later.

The act of handing over
that money every month

is a reminder to you of just
how dangerous gambling can be.

And you need that reminder.

Couldn't I just get "don't
gamble" tattooed on my arm?

My mom knows a guy.

Doesn't work.

Hey, handsome.

Hello.

Put the magazine down.
Let's try this again.

Hey, handsome.

Hello.

All right.

Let's skip that part.

Have I got a surprise for you.

You have the sex
drive of a dude.

What's a rose without a...
Hello, bumblebee.

What is happening to you?

I'm expressing
myself, blockhead.

Bonnie, this is getting
out of control.

Oh, relax. It's just
a couple of tats.

And one temporary sketch of
something I'm thinking about.

Oh, good God.

Is that your face?

Yeah, this way, no
matter how we do it,

we'll always be
making eye contact.

Her face?

Yeah. And it's this big.

Oh, that's not good.

I'm just worried that she's
getting some kind of weird buzz

off all these tats.
That's a red flag, right?

This could lead to
drinking again.

Not necessarily. Adam, I
love that you're looking out

for Bonnie, and yeah, addicts
are feel-good junkies,

but it doesn't mean
she's gonna drink.

This big.

Look, if she wants to get
tattoos, you can't stop her.

And if she drinks, you
can't stop that, either.

- Nope.
- What do you mean, "nope"?

I mean I don't accept that.

There's got to be
something I can do.

Well, you're right, there is.

Okay, now your oatmeal's kicking in.
Lay it on me.

There is a program
called Al-Anon.

It's for people who
live with alcoholics.

Whoa, why do I got
to go to meetings?

I didn't do anything wrong.

AA is for people who are
powerless over alcohol.

Al-Anon is for people who are
powerless over the alcoholic.

No, no, this isn't about me.

You're not gonna
make this about me.

This is about Bonnie.

Because everything's about
Bonnie all the time.

By the way, we're calling her Bo
from now on, so get on board.

Thank you, but we're
handled here.

Have a great day.

Bye.

More coffee?

Yeah, I'm gonna have to wait for
him to come back for his keys.

Okay, so we're going
Giant Bonnie?

Yeah, but younger. And
with Farrah Fawcett hair.

Okay, Randy.

It's time to finish
up my dragon.

So how long is this gonna take?

- Uh, about six hours.
- Ugh, awesome.

Hey, how come her dragon
is flying by a fried egg?

Oh, 20 years ago,
that was the sun.

What's the basket?

Oh, that used to be the
Golden Gate Bridge.

Okay, put the needle down.
Wipe this off.

What? What's wrong?

Well, I don't want to
have to worry about

both my faces getting old.

Stop right now. You're
not doing this.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

- I forbid you.
- Oh, you "forbid" me?

- Pick up the needle, Earl.
- I'll wait till this plays out.

I am not okay with the tats,

and you are scaring
the hell out of me.

- Why?
- Because I have no control

in this relationship, and
I got to do something

because I'm freaking out
and I want to marry you,

but I need to know that I...

And, man, I have never said
the word "I" that much

in my entire life.

Oh, my God, this is about me.

- Where are you going?
- To an Al-Anon meeting.

I hope you're happy.
I'm as broken as you.

You're marrying that guy?

Well, I got no choice. You
tattooed his name on my ass.

Hey, pretty.

Any chance you were thinking
of crashing at Adam's tonight?

What did you do?

- I moved the desk.
- Oh, Tammy, no.

Yeah, I saw that dry rot
and pulled up floorboards.

Anyway, it's Planet of
the Ants down there.

What?

Well, they were down
there, but my process

seemed to rile them
up pretty good.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is...

The apartment is completely
filled with ants.

Well, I haven't
checked upstairs,

but they were marching
in that direction.

Do you really think I'm pretty?

So wait, now you do
want to pay me back?

You were right. It's
part of my recovery.

What you do with your money
is none of my business.

You can throw it away, you
can prop a table up with it.

I can come up with my own list.

And you promise this isn't
gonna affect our friendship?

Not unless I already
messed it up.

Not a chance.

I believe it was
Rob Lowe who said

"friendship is super important."

Okay, now I want
to read that book.

Oh, good, you guys made up.

Listen, can she spend the
night at your place??

'Cause our apartment's full
of ants, and they are biters.

So now it's our apartment?

That's the part that upset you?

Where the hell is Al-Anon?
All these rooms look alike.

Two doors down on your right.

Just look for the
exhausted people

who have nowhere else to turn.

Don't talk about my
people that way.

You should be proud of him.

It takes courage to walk
into one of these rooms.

You got a good guy there, Bo.

Oh, God, it's sticking.