06x09 - Pork Loin and a Beat-Up Monte Carlo

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys, a quick
announcement before we start.

Uh, my firm...

CLASS: Stone, Gannon and Associates.

Okay, I might have mentioned it before.

We're offering a summer
internship for one-L's,

and I've decided I'm
giving it to someone

in this class.

- So this week...
- CHRISTY: Oh, my God, I want it.

I'm gonna get this.

I mean, I-I'm the best
student in this class.

Who's better than me? Glen?

Who wants a lawyer who's
always smelling his fingers?

Susan's always on her phone.

Joe looks like a little boy
wearing his father's suit.

And then there's Nick.

What's the deal with him?

Some days, he's handsome,

some days, he looks
like a giant marionette.

Hmm, come on, focus.

Who am I missing?

Oh, yes. Ha. Lisa.

The know-it-all who
actually knows it all.

Yeah, I'm thinking about you, too.

'Cause I can take you.
'Cause I'm amazing.

Did I just say that to myself?

Oh, my God, I have
confidence and self-esteem.

When did that kick in?

And I really believe it. I'm the best.

I'm the best.

That's right, deal with it.

♪ ♪

So I am sitting in my
criminal law class today,

sizing up my competition,

and I realize, out of nowhere,

I am brimming with confidence.

Brim... Ming.

Excuse me, Beatrice?

I asked for no mayo. Guess what I got?

Mayo?

Gobs of it, Bea.

Would you like me to take it back?

No. I'm really hungry.

I just wanted to be heard.

Thanks for letting me be a part of this.

Look at you, taking down a woman

who's been on her feet for hours.

Brimming. No one is safe.

Well, if you're still feeling
feisty, you can come over

to my house and give my
gardener the business.

I got mushrooms on my putting green.

Seems we've finally turned the corner

from the usual complaints
about law school.

She'll circle back.

This week, we're doing a mock trial.

The professor picked a real court case,

gave us all the files and
we're gonna try it ourselves.

Do you get to object? I've
always wanted to object.

What are you talking about?
That's all you ever do.

I object.

I wanted more from that.

I got picked to be the prosecutor,

and this suck-up Lisa
is the defense attorney,

Whoever wins the case is clearly
going to get the internship.

Ooh, smart people cage fight.

(shouts)

Tammy's had a toothache
for a couple of days.

It really hurts when I eat.

Yummy, ow, yummy, ow.

Stop eating.

You don't stop eating a BLT.

Do you want me to give you the number

to my dentist? He's really hot.

All your doctors are hot.
Is that how you pick them?

Yeah.

I already have a dentist appointment.

I was hoping one of you could take me.

We could make it a day.

How is that a day?

They probably have a fish t*nk.
Wendy, you brightened a little.

Sorry, I have to work.
Can't Marjorie take you?

Nope. Fancy Pantsuit over here

is living it up in the wilds of Canada.

By "living it up," she means
I'm speaking to alcoholics.

Tell them what it's called.

The Saskatoon Sober Jamboree.

You left out the word "sad."

I'll take you to the dentist, Tammy.

Thanks, Big Sauce.

You know, they don't let
just anyone speak at the Jam.

(groans)

No fish t*nk.

Ooh.

Roasted pork loin with apples.

(lips smacking)

(coughs)

And a lovely side dish.

(coughs)

Some people just take a picture.

I left my phone in the car.

Why do you think I'm
looking at a magazine?

- Let's get out of here.
- You're done already?

They haven't even started.
They want to knock me out.

For a toothache?

Oh, no, we're way past
that. My mouth is a disaster.

There's gum scraping, root canals.

- They want to yank one clean out.
- Oh, man.

I told them I'm sober
and I can't be put under.

Well, sure you can. There's
no part of the program

that says you're supposed to suffer.

You know, unless you end
up in Canada with Marjorie.

(laughs, groans)

Oh, no, no. Go tell
the dentist it's okay.

But then they want to give me
a prescription for pain pills.

You can take pills, but
you got to be careful.

- Those things are tricky.
- Right, right. Uh...

I'll just stick with the
Tylenol. I mean, it got me

through getting stabbed
in the leg with a fork,

- it'll get me through this.
- Wow.

Your time inside was rough.

Oh, no, that wasn't prison.
I was trying to k*ll a seagull

that landed in my lap.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

the facts of this case are clear.

There is ample evidence that...

(moans)

Am I moving my hands too much?

I didn't hear a word you said.

I was mesmerized by how
good you look in my suit.

What do you think?

Well, I-I don't know.
Angie Harmon used to move

her arms around a lot on Law & Order.

Wha... She still on that show?

No, it got canceled. She
went to Rizzoli & Isles.

Well, that's not on anymore, either.

Should we be worried about her?

Guys, can we worry about my
career and not Angie Harmon's?

Uh, it's gonna be fine.
You're gonna do great.

JILL: Oh, my God.

Angie got divorced.

That woman can't catch a break.

Tammy's still asleep.
She's a bit of a drooler.

You're gonna need to change your sheets.

Maybe even the mattress.

Great. But she better be up
before I go to bed tonight.

I have a really big day tomorrow.

Eh, you say that every day. You're like

the girl who cried "big day."

Well, this time it really is.

Tomorrow's the mock trial
and I'm completely unprepared

and I'm gonna lose
to know-it-all Lisa.

Yesterday, you said, and
I quote, you were gonna

"bitch slap her with the law."

Then I remembered she
went to private school

her whole life, aced her LSATs
and I'm me, daughter of you.

- Oh, thank God.
- What?

Angie got a miniseries and a new guy.

Christy, I think you've got this.

That drug dealer's going down.

Whoa, whoa.

Your case is about a drug
dealer? What are the facts?

The cops found the dr*gs
locked in a car in his driveway

but his defense is it's not his car.

That's the oldest trick in
the book. Remember Oklahoma?

When I bought that
b*at-up old Monte Carlo,

registered it to a dead guy...

And stashed your dr*gs in
it, so nothing could be tied

- to your name.
- That's what this guy's doing.

- That's my girl.
- Well, this is scary.

The upsetting part of the
story is they lived in Oklahoma.

I mean, just move to
Texas. It's right there.

TAMMY: Tylenol!

- Tammy's up.
- Tylenol!

- It hurts!
- It's okay, it's right here.

Ooh, hurry!

Please do what she says.

They don't make this easy.

- What's the problem?
- It's sealed so kids don't get...

Oh, I know why.

Ah, another seal.

Oh, just jam your finger into it.

Oh, see, now I just pushed
the cotton down further.

Christy, you've got
the little monkey hands.

Can you get it out?

(sighs) My past is an asset,

my tiny hands are an asset.

Everything's coming up Christy.

No! Tammy!

What?

Spit those out.

Spit those out right now. Do it.

All of them.

Here's two.

Might be three. They're
kind of stuck together.

Look at all these stupid people.

Why are they in front of us?

Because they got here first.

That doesn't seem fair.

I'm looking for some pain pills!

Last name's Diffendorf!

Why don't you go over there
and check your blood pressure

on that super cool machine?

How's that gonna make me feel better?

It won't, but it's over there.

Diffendorf!

- Bonnie?
- Oh, thank God you answered.

You're never happy to talk to me.

What's wrong? Are the cats okay?

The cats are fine. It's the
other animal you live with

that I'm worried about.

Tammy's mouth is a complete tear-down.

She needs hardcore painkillers
to get her through the weekend.

When do you get home?

- Not till Tuesday.
- What?

I'm / . What does that mean?

She needs a responsible sober person

to hold the pills for her.
Can't you come home early?

No. I made a commitment
to a lot of people

who are counting on me being here.

(laughs): Oh! Oh, Wayne, you devil.

(laughs)

I got to go.

What? Who's Wayne?

What are you here for?

Cholesterol.

Cut back on your butter. Get behind me.

You?

I'd rather not say.

Got it. Boner pills.

You're behind me, too.
And keep your eyes up.

Come on, Bonnie. Everyone's
cool with us cutting in line.

I'm sorry, excuse me. My
friend is in a lot of pain.

Excuse me. Hey, she said eyes up, pops.

Bonnie, wake up. It's
time. I need my pill.

It-it hasn't been six hours.

Five and a half is close enough.
My face is gonna fall off.

Give her a pill or give me one.

It's important to wait.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I-I'll help you k*ll the time.

How about we go play
Clue? You love Clue.

Who did it? We don't know.

I do love Clue.

But you can't play with two people.

- Oh, Adam can play. He's up.
- No he's not.

- But he could be.
- No, he couldn't.

I'll go wake up Christy and
see if she wants to play.

- No. She's got a big day.
- Oh, she always says that.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Thank you, Lisa. Christy, your witness.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Good afternoon, Glen.

Sup?

Curious choice of hat.

I thought it would make me look street.

Ha. Let the record reflect it does not.

Christy, can we move this along?

It's your contention

that you are not, in fact,
a drug dealer, correct?

That's right.

Hmm.

And yet a car parked in your driveway

was found to contain
nine kilos of cocaine.

It's my Uncle Ronnie's car.

Oh. Would that be

Ronald Williams, who d*ed in ?

Why are you holding onto his car?

I'm a sentimental guy, yo.

Your Honor?

Knock it off, Glen.

Sorry, it's just so fun.

This phone was on your
person when you were arrested.

It's a -year-old
Nokia .

Is this your phone?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

I'd think you'd have a smartphone,

cool guy like you with a cool hat.

Uh, I like to kick it old school?

Or is it because an old
phone like this has no GPS,

making it impossible for the
police to track your movements?

Is it because, in fact,
this phone is widely used

by drug dealers everywhere
for exactly those reasons?

Objection. She's making an argument.

Your Honor, the defendant
claims he is not a drug dealer,

but he hides dr*gs like a drug dealer,

he uses an old phone like a drug dealer.

He rents multiple motel rooms

to avoid search warrants
like a drug dealer.

Where'd she get all of this?
None of it was in the file.

It was all in the file, but
your childhood was too happy

for you to see it.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means this is the world I grew up in.

My mother was a drug dealer, yo.

And to be honest,

I've had my share of dark years, too.

Do you ever wonder why I'm
the oldest one in this class?

- I did.
- Me, too.

I wondered as well, but
I'm not allowed to ask.

'Cause it was a long road to get here.

I-I drank, I did
dr*gs, I was a stripper.

That has nothing to do with
this, but now it's out there.

Point is,

I-I know how drug dealers work,
and this scumbag is guilty.

(sighs)

The prosecution rests.

FYI, my parents got divorced
and they used me as a w*apon,

so whatever.

(moaning)

(sobbing)

Hey, sounds like you're doing better.

I'm not.

Well, you've got a while before
the next pill, but until then,

I've got ice cream,
pudding and apple sauce.

Give me pudding.

Chocolate or butterscotch?

Chocolate. Don't ask dumb questions.

Fine. More butterscotch for me.

You know, the whole world's missing out.

(whispering): Yes.

No.

Come on, Tammy, dig deep.

Use as directed.

"Every four hours"?

Hey, Tammy, I took a
sh*t at some Cool Whip.

Thought it might jazz up your pudding...

Four hours! Every four hours!

Not six, not five.

- Four!
- Okay, okay.

Let's just keep this table
between us and I'll explain.

While it's technically true

you can have a pill every four hours,

I made an executive decision

to see if we could stretch it to six,

and I think we're doing great.

Why would you make me suffer?

Because I love you.

You do?

O-Of course.

(sighs) Come here.

I still think you can last six hours.

You're a dead woman!

Stop putting furniture between us.

I've done this with cops for hours.

I can go all night.

I just feel so lost right now.

I thought I could trust you.

You're the closest
thing I have to a sister.

You can trust me.

I'm really just trying to protect you.

These pills can be really dangerous.

I know, I'm just... headlock!

Ow!

(gasps) That was so mean.

- You put me in a headlock.
- That was a hug.

You yelled "headlock!"

Tammy, a couple years
ago, I hurt my back.

They gave me these things and I
was convinced I could handle it.

But it wasn't long before
one pill every four hours

became four pills every one hour.

I'm sorry, but this disease
is a sneaky little bitch,

and I just don't want
you to wake her up.

I hate you right now.

And I love you.

I definitely don't want to relapse.

So it's been four hours.

Do you want a pill?

No. I'm gonna try to make it six.

Five and a half.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, Christy.

Thanks for coming. Look,
you did a really great job

the other day.

I mean, I think Glen is still weeping.

Yeah. I think I saw
his hat in the trash.

So listen, I want to talk
to you about the internship.

Oh, really?

The internship. I
totally forgot about that.

I'm giving it to Lisa.

What? No. I destroyed her in mock trial.

- I know you did, but...
- I know what's going on here.

You find out I have a sketchy past,

and all of a sudden, I am not
welcome at your snooty law firm.

Christy, if you would allow me...

I worked my ass off to get here.

And yes, I said "ass," I was a stripper.

I don't know why I
keep bringing that up.

My law firm would like to offer you

a paying position this summer.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

I'm not allowed to hug you
back, but congratulations.

Right, right.

I just wanna get something off my chest.

For three years, I've mislead you
all to believe something about me.

She used to be a man. I told you.

It's... very difficult to say

But I um...

I never actually watched Breaking Bad.

- OTHERS: Ooh!
- I know, I know!

But I just couldn't get into it!

And everytime you guys
talked about it...

I was faking.

You'd all be like... Heisenberg and Jesse
and I'd say "Yes! Great episode!"

Anyway... (sighs) weight lifted. Thanks

You'd better not be lying
about "Cake Wars"

Of course not!

Would anyone else like to share?

Hey, everybody. I am awesome.

Sorry, just wanted to let you know.

Now I have to go to
Gamblers Anonymous. See you.

Does anybody else think

confident Christy is super annoying?

- I'll go. Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.
- GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.

I know you don't hear
this a lot from me,

but I am really proud of myself.

I have a sober friend
who had dental work done

- and needed pain pills.
- She's talking about me.

And I was the one who held them for her.

Now, the amazing thing
is, the whole time,

I never once thought
about taking a pill myself.

All I could think about was
taking care of my friend.

And it led me to a discovery,
one that I have mastered,

but I think the rest
of you are ready for.

This program

is really about helping other people,

and by helping other
people, I helped myself.

Think about that.

And if I'm the first
person to recognize that,

let it be my gift to you.

I'm going back to Canada.