06x21 - Finger g*ns and a Beef Bourguignon

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Mom...

I'm not angry, I just
don't need a new car.

I don't want to fight. I don't either.

Good, because I bought you the car.

What?

I worked my ass off to get here!

And, yes, I said
"ass." I was a stripper.

I don't know why I
keep bringing that up.

My law firm would like to offer you

a paying position this summer.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

There are therapists who
deal with this stuff for free.

Wendy gave you that guy's number.

Fine, I'll go to a therapist. You happy?

I'm sensing some resistance
to your treating your ADD.

Is that what you're sensing?

(alarm blaring)

(alarm stops)

That's your third snooze.

Can you not talk? I'm trying to sleep.

So am I, but some jerk's
alarm keeps going off.

I don't have to move my car until 7:00.

Then why do I have to get up at 6:00?

And 6:08? And 6:16?

I need a slow transition
from sleeping to wakefulness,

but I guess I'm not allowed
to ask for my needs to be met.

Please, no therapy speak before coffee.

Wow, Trevor says some
people are threatened

by their partner's growth.

Trevor's lucky.

He only has to deal
with you an hour a week.

You know, your level of anger

is completely out of
proportion to the situation,

which leads me to believe
that this is transference.

What are you really angry about?

I'm looking at it.

Ooh, sorry.

The correct answer is your mother.

Aw, look at you.

Too excited about your new job to sleep?

Yup, I can't wait.

I organized my briefcase.

I've got pencils, paper
and a power bar for,

you know, power.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

But I'll probably get
k*lled in a freak accident

before I even get to the office.

Why would you say that?

Because that's how my life works.

I'm starting a summer
job at a big law firm.

This would totally be the day
a plane drops out of the sky

and squishes me like a bug.

I see.

Well, I'm gonna miss you.

But, hey, since you got time
to k*ll, can you move my car?

Your car is parked next
to mine in the carport.

That's my new car.

My old car is parked two
blocks away just past the house

with the scary old lady who
stares out the window all day.

That's a woman?

Yeah, I thought it was a man, too,,

until the day the robe
fell open. (grunts)

Looking for falling planes?

Yes, but it's the one you
don't see that always gets you.

(alarm blaring)

ADAM (in distance): Bonnie,
turn off the damn alarm!

Man, his mother screwed him up.

That's the conference rooms

And here's your office.

I get my own office?

Well, you do have a roommate.

Christy Plunkett, meet the MXM-753N.

Oh. (chuckles softly)

Hello.

Make 25 copies of this
for the 11:00 meeting.

Do you want me to come to the meeting?

Yes. To drop off the copies.

Copy that.

Just a heads up: finger
g*ns are considered

a micro-aggression around here.

Copy that.

So I have to move my car
a few mornings a week.

Why does he have to make
a federal case out of it?

I think he's just perpetuating
his own victim-hood.

You do an amazing job at
remembering therapy terms

and completely misusing them.

Thank you.

You're also skilled at ignoring

the parts of what I say
that you don't want to hear.

So many compliments today.

Look, if I had an extra
parking space for my old car,

I'd use it, but I don't,
and Adam should respect that.

You still have your old car?

And Adam should respect that.

Why are you hanging on to something

that's clearly causing you problems?

Uh, because I love him.

Uh, still talking about the car.

I find it interesting that
for the first time in your life

you've got a new car, and yet
you can't let go of the old one.

It's no big deal. I just
haven't gotten around

- to getting rid of it yet.
- It's been a month.

Yeah, exactly, it's only been a month.

Or it's been a whole month.

Why are you attacking me?

Do I remind you of your mother?

Procrastination is a
common symptom of ADD.

Boring me is a common symptom of you.

Your assignment this week is
to get rid of that old car.

That is your only job.

What about my regular job?

Of course, do your regular job.

What about household chores?
Do I have to do those?

You're being deliberately obtuse.

Why are you angry? Is this transference?

I never should've taught you that word.

Wendy, could you
please pass me the salt?

Better do it before she starts ranting

about her needs not being met.

That's a little
passive-aggressive, Jill.

You know, Trevor says my
friend group might be threatened

by my personal growth.

If we were still boozin' it up,

"Trevor Says" would be
a great drinking game.

So hammered, so fast.

I don't like everything Trevor says.

This week, he actually gave me homework

because he thinks I procrastinate,

which is only because I have ADD.

"Because I Have ADD" would
be another good drinking game.

We'd be dead.

You don't have to have
ADD to procrastinate.

I got a package meant for
my neighbors at Christmas,

and I still haven't taken it over there.

That's not so bad.

It's been three years.

I've been putting something off, too.

I still haven't listened to
a voice mail Victor left me

a couple of days before he d*ed.

Aw, that's so sad. Don't
you want to hear his voice?

I don't know. We had a hard day,

and I'm afraid he was calling
because he was mad at me,

and I don't want that to be
the last thing I hear him say.

Well, it'll all get cleared
up when you join him in heaven.

Oh, my God, Bonnie.

What? It's sweet.

I'm pretending to believe in heaven.

I never procrastinate.

How is that possible?

I created a special calendar

where I list all the
tasks I need to get done,

ranked by date, priority
and my level of resistance.

I call it the Wen-dalendar.

Well, that is so boring
I want to Wen-dalen-die.

I love writing things
down and checking them off.

Sometimes I write down
things I've already done

just so I can... (grunts)

Well, I've been bugging you

to get a driver's
license for six months.

I'm a bit tired of being your chauffeur.

I thought we decided we
weren't gonna talk about

roommate stuff in front of the group.

We never discussed that.

Well, we should.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey, stranger.

How's your fancy job?

Oh, it's good. It's good.

(chuckles) I mean, I
can't really talk about it

'cause of attorney-client privilege.

Oh, I got so screwed on that once.

I told this lawyer all
these things I'd done,

and then he brought it all up in court,

which is when I learned
it has to be your lawyer.

Bottom line, if they
don't sit at your table,

don't tell them anything.

(laughs) Oh, that's funny.

It reminds me of work,

where I also laugh all day
with my legal colleagues.

I'm not buying it.

Yeah, if you're not
complaining, you're not Christy.

That is so not true.

Fine! My new job blows. I'm miserable.

Hey, look, Christy has a drinking game.

I thought I was gonna have
some real responsibility,

but I'm just making copies.

I hate my life.

Well, I hope you're happy!

I don't think you mean that.

"Don't hit the snooze," you said.

"Wake up right before
you need to," you said.

Well, because of you, I got a ticket.

I think because of
you, you got a ticket.

You're the one that has two cars.

Well, for your information,

I've decided to get rid of my old car.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Well, get ready to see it,

because I'm gonna do
it first thing today.

Hi. I'm Bonnie Plunkett,
your building manager.

Do you need anything
repaired? Anything at all?

Faucets, toilets?

Curious about how long anything is?

(muffled): Thank you for squeezing me in

on such short notice.

"Beef bourguignon,

"traditional French braised stew.

Total time, six to eight hours."

Well, let's get at it.

I screwed up. I ordered
chicken paillard,

but it was supposed
to be a hanger steak.

It's true.

After all these years,
she's still not good at this.

Please help me.

That table may be my only
decent tip of the night.

Oh. Well, that changes everything.

Uh, listen up, everyone.

Christy needs money.
Let's really pull together.

(phone chimes)

Oh, my God.

The law firm that I'm working for

needs me to come in right now.

"Big case, all hands on deck.

We need you ASAP."

Guys, I'm needed.

But you're in the middle of
poorly serving our customers.

I don't care.

I am gonna go do something with meaning,

something important,

something that doesn't
involve sauce on the side,

'cause I am meant for greater things.

You can't just leave.

Watch me.

(grunts)

Well, that was worth watching.

Oh.

- I came as fast as I could.
- Don't care.

We got thrown a curve-ball
on the Hawkins trial.

Probably gonna be an all-nighter.

Do you need me to help draft a brief?

Research precedents?

We need you to pick up dinner.

- What?
- Yeah, we already ordered

from the boss's favorite restaurant.

Is there a chance we
could be adults about this?

Of course.

This must be very humbling for you,

and so we've decided not
to rub your nose in it.

- Really?
- No. Paul, the list.

We all kind of
work-shopped these together.

"Your life hasn't changed
that much, Counselor,

and here is exhibit A."

(Paul laughs)

"What case are you working
on? Christy v. Dignity?"

That was Preston.

Okay.

Oh, uh, buh-buh, one more.

"Apparently Law & Order

means law and order dinner."

(laughs)

Make all the jokes you want.

Nothing could make me feel
worse about myself right now.

Ah!

I hate this place!

I had one thing to do yesterday...

get rid of my old car. But did I? No.

I did a bunch of things I
didn't want to do instead.

I even texted Wendy
just to say, "What's up?"

- Oh, that's why.
- (Bonnie sighs)

Guess my only comfort is knowing

you guys are struggling
with procrastination, too.

I got my license!

And I had a blast at the DMV.

Everyone's so friendly and outgoing.

(gasps) Plus, you get to go
to all those fun stations.

Eye test. Pop quiz. Photo sh**t.

I have never taken a better picture.

The angle, the lighting.

Walter took so much time.

So, I'm handing my neighbor
her package. Apology, apology.

And she's got this scowl on her face,

and I'm thinking,
"That's a lot of attitude

for somebody who orders
from Banana Republic."

But turns out she's a dermatologist,

and she's eying this
suspicious freckle on my arm.

(scoffs) Get this. It was precancerous.

Not procrastinating saved my life.

Last night, I finally sat
down with Victor's message.

And guess what. It was a butt-dial.

Yeah. I listened to three minutes

of him rustling around,
and then at the very end,

I heard him ask his caregiver
to put him in a clean shirt

so he'd look nice when I got home.

Gonna keep that message forever.

Well, this is a load of crap!

I've been eating my hot dog
with just mustard my whole life,

but therapy has opened me
up to trying new things.

So if you're smelling
onions on my breath,

it's really the smell of growth.

That's fascinating.

But what I asked you is,
"Did you sell the car?"

All right, I didn't sell it yet,

but only because I had a lot going on.

I am busy, very busy.
I'm a very busy woman.

Write that down. "Very busy woman."

I think there's more to it than that.

I think you're deeply
attached to your car,

and you'll never get rid
of it unless you admit that.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Trevor.

The sweater vest is not
your most flattering look.

I don't even like the car.
It's loud. It's unreliable.

People are amazed it runs at all.

Why would I have an emotional attachment

to that hunk of junk?

Because, on some level,
that hunk of junk is you.

Geez, sorry about the vest comment.

Classic transference.

Still not what it means.

We'll see.

Bonnie, you have changed so
much over the last few years.

You got sober, you're getting married,

you're dealing with your ADD.

That's a lot, and it's scary.

Getting rid of that old car is
like getting rid of the old you.

Or I was busy. You'd remember
that if you'd written it down.

Okay, what's the first step we
need to take to sell the car?

Put an ad on Craigslist, I guess.

Great. Why don't you do that right now?

I wish I could, but, uh, unfortunately,

we are out of time.

Only I get to say that.

And if you're really seeing
a watch on your wrist,

we've got bigger problems than your car.

I don't want to do this right
now, okay? I just don't want to.

You don't have to do it
alone. I'll be right here.

(scoffs)

I got to write a whole ad.
I can't do it on my phone.

Well, why don't we use my laptop?

"I'm Trevor. I have a vest
and a laptop." (grunts)

(clears throat)

Patient files aren't on there.

No, but a hilarious picture
of you riding a camel is.

Okay, close that.

And send.

(computer whooshes, phone chimes)

You win this round.

And camels are scary.

A lot of people make that face.

(copy machine whirring)

Huh.

Oh. Hey, hey, hey, Russell,
do you have a minute?

No. I was just reading
through the brief.

Well, your job is to
copy it, not to read it.

Yes, and they are almost done.

But-but I was just wondering

why you didn't cite
Washington v. Shafer.

(sighs) That's because
that case is, um...

What's that case?

Well, in a nutshell, the judge ruled

prior criminal acts could be admissible

if the similarity to the
current case provides the jury

with a clearer understanding
of the evidence before them.

Wow.

That's a fantastic
idea, Christy. Great job.

Seriously?

Oh, my God, thank you. (chuckles)

Guys, it just hit me in the bathroom.

We should cite Washington v. Shafer.

Lot of memories in this car.

I'm really glad it's
going to such a nice kid.

Thanks. It's perfect.

Well, drive it in good health.

Oh, I'm not gonna drive it.

I'm gonna push it off a
cliff for my student film.

What?

Uh, it's his car now, Bonnie.

But he's gonna m*rder
it. Uh, give me the keys.

- No deal.
- What? Why?

Just take your man bun
and go do some hot yoga.

Dude, give her back the keys.

It's only gonna get worse.

Fine. I'll just use my dad's car.

What the hell was that?

Didn't you hear him? He was
gonna push me off a cliff.

Okay, I'm used to a certain
level of Bonnie around here,

but you're being even
Bonnier than usual.

I guess, uh, it's possible

I-I don't want the car to
end up in a ball of fire

because I'm attached to it.

That car kind of
represents who I used to be,

and I'm... I'm having
trouble letting her go.

Is that what Trevor says?

Trevor and I don't talk about my car.

We talk about you, and how you need

to make more of an effort
in several different areas.

Well, I don't know why, but I
think I might have tomato soup.

I don't care what you say.

My dermatologist neighbor's
now my new bestie,

and I got a $1,200 peel for free.

How long are you gonna look like that?

Couple of days. Then it's
gonna get real crusty,

then it's gonna start flaking off,

but then I'm gonna look a
whole three months younger.

Hey.

Oof.

Ah, great news.

This guy stole my idea at work today.

I've never actually had a job,

but that does not sound like a win.

I've only finished
one year of law school,

and my ideas are already
good enough to steal

by professional lawyers!

So you're just gonna
let him get away with it?

Yes. I am taking the high road.

Also, revenge might be
seen as a micro-aggression.

You came to that all on
your own? I'm impressed.

Yeah, so am I.

I guess that's what
happens if you stay sober.

If it happened to me, I
would've broke into the guy's car

and filled his trunk
full of rotting fish.

Really? You'd do that?

Yeah. If you want, I'll do it for you.

I'd do it for any of you. I
got a fish guy and everything.

- Hey, Tammy, you got a dollar?
- What?

- Just give me a dollar.
- Okay.

Congratulations. You just bought a car.

What?

I just sold you my old car.

- Aw. - Are you serious? Bonnie,
why would you do that?

Because I know you won't
push me off a cliff.

You're right, I won't! Thank you!

I'm gonna cry.

I would, too, but I'm
afraid it would burn.

The best part is I get
to go to my therapist

and tell him to suck it.

Just curious. What kind
of fish would you use?

I'm pleased things worked
out with the car.

Sounds like you found
the perfect place for it.

I did. Thank you for pushing
me out of my comfort zone.

I feel like I accomplished something.

You did, and you should
be proud of yourself.

Now you can take that momentum

and use it on anything else
that you've been avoiding.

I'll see you next week.

There is one thing I've been putting off

that I really
want to do.

Hmm.

Bonnie, this goes
against every ethical...

Oh, screw it.

(gasps)

Oh, that's transference.