02x13 - Opposites Attract (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

Hey, look what the
valentine's day elf brought you.

The bag says "carwash" on it.

It was on the way home.

Aunt cate, be mine.

Car freshener.

Well, you know, c.j.,
Nothing says "be mine"

Like "your car stinks."

And bridget?

A genuine bobblehead doll
of mr. Wayne gretzky, huh?

You're welcome.

And what did the elf
get for kerry the elf?

Some water... From france.

Sure they're cowards but
they do make the best water.

And rory, I'm sorry.

There's nothing in
the elf bag for you...

Except...

A postcard of two
gorillas drinking beer.

It doesn't sound like
much, but it made me laugh.

Two gorillas drinking
beer made you...

Aha ha ha ha!

And for my favorite
gampy... Sea monkeys?

They say pets make
old people live longer.

For every action,
there is an equal

And opposite reaction.

When you sit in your chair...

So anyway, I really
like the high-rise thong,

But all they seem to make these
days are the low-riding kind.

- That is so true.
- I just hate that...

Do you know, I appreciate
your underwear dilemma,

But I'm trying to
listen to the teacher.

I'm trying to listen too.

Anyway, the low-riding
thong drives me nuts.

- I can't stand the way...
- Excuse me.

- I'm talking.
- Nonstop.

Jeremy, bridget,
is there a problem?

- No.
- I'm fine.

- Science geek.
- Moron.

Okay, jeremy and bridget
are going to be lab partners.

And kelly and jenna,
and scott and sharon.

Great. Yay!

Now we have to work together.

You know what? Just keep your
mouth shut and we'll both get as.

You know what? Keep your
mouth shut and we'll both get ds.

You know what I mean.

So did you say you're
getting an a in this class?

Yep.

Um, how about english?
Getting an a in that too?

"What about english."

No no, I asked, are
you getting an a?

No, it's "what about english,"
not "how about english."

- I mean, maybe
if you spoke english.
- And maybe if you spoke...

Regular.

Okay, here's the thing:

See, my grades are
just a wee bit lower

Than they need to be for
me to get into college.

- Mmm, shocker.
- Yeah.

And my mom's totally freaking
out about me going to college

As if my entire
future rides on it,

But look at me. You
know I'm gonna marry well.

And often.

That is so sweet.

So you know what I was thinking

Is maybe you could be
my lab partner in english

And in science.

Don't you mean your tutor?

Well, tutor, lab partner...
What's the difference?

About 1 bucks an hour.

Come on, you get to be with me.

Hmm... $15.

This is just gonna be the most
romantic valentine's day ever.

Why is that?

Well, dylan's going to
pick me up in his convertible

And shower me with gifts.

I just love valentine's day.

It's totally stupid.

It's a made-up
corporate holiday.

There's so much pressure
to do something big

But everyone just winds up
doing something mechanical

And rote and with
no feeling at all.

Yeah. And those little
hearts taste like chalk.

I remember in high school

I needed a duffle bag to
carry all the cards I got.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Sure, I may not be much now

As a result of some hard
and, yes, questionable living,

But back in high school I
was buff, young and tan.

Good looking. Yeah.

I was the man.

Oh, yeah? Show us the picture.
Let's see your yearbook.

The man was sick on picture day.

Grandpa, what are you
doing for valentine's day?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

No, that's one of the great things
about having your wife leave you...

You don't have to do a
single thing on valentine's day.

Nothing, nada, zippo!

Well, if you were
getting gram something...

Oh, please, you
can't win that one.

Every year you gotta top
what you gave the year before.

You give them flowers? You
gotta give them more flowers.

And not the ones
from the yard. No no.

No, you gotta pay those
jacked-up store prices

For the same damn flowers
except they have cellophane.

And don't get me
started on candy.

Don't worry. I got the point.

You know, you get 'em
a big box of chocolates

And it's like, "hey, what'd
you get me that for?

They're so fattening."

You get 'em a little
bitty box and it's like,

"Oh, so you think I'm fat?"

Now jewelry is the
worst! Now you...

Gramps, gramps? I gotta go.

No, dylan, you shut up!

No, you shut up!

Dylan, you shut up.

Okay, you shut up.

Okay, bye.

My new boyfriend so gets me.

Mm-hmm.

Ahem, all right, so...

What is euripides trying to say
about w*r in "the trojan women"?

You know, why am I
getting the impression

That you didn't
even read the play?

Well, I kind of got as far as the
"trojan" and started to giggle.

All right, bridget, you
have to listen, okay?

Now helen is the face
that launched 1, ships.

Let me put it in your words:

Um, she was, like, totally hot.

Oh.

So that's why men
went to w*r for her.

Well, you know, that actually
brings up an interesting point.

Do you think the w*r
got started over a woman

Or do you think the greeks were
trying to get control over a waterway?

Can I use a lifeline?

Mom, what's the best gift dad
every got you for valentine's day?

Well, your dad and
I had this tradition:

He would get me my
favorite bottle of champagne,

An amazing box of
chocolate truffles,

And one red rose.

Just one? Dad was cheap?

No. Well... No.

It's just that we
decided a long time ago

That a small taste of
the best of something

Was better than a huge
amount of something just so-so.

- That's really romantic...
- Yeah.

And cheap.

Jeremy, please don't go!

I need to study.

Bridget, I have my
own studying to do.

All right? I'm not
gonna waste my time

With someone who uses her cell
phone like it's providing oxygen.

What?

Bridget, you know you're not
supposed to have a guy in your room.

I am trying to get into college.

Did he say he could
get you into college?

So what are you and kyle
doing for valentine's day?

Oh, we're going to the
movies. It's no big deal.

You know, kerry, this is your
first valentine's day with a boyfriend

Instead of a stuffed animal.

You might want to
lighten up and enjoy it.

It's totally stupid.
It's a day that exists

To point out who has
somebody and who doesn't.

And it makes the people
who don't feel awful.

Oh, kerry, it's okay. You're
not one of them anymore.

That is the past. And this year

You'll be getting a valentine card
that you didn't mail to yourself.

I've never mailed...

And kyle is going
to wine and dine you

And shower you with presents.
And by the end of the night

You are gonna
feel like a princess.

Well, I guess feeling
like a princess just once

- Wouldn't totally suck.
- Mmm.

It's dylan. Probably wants to
know what to get me for valentine's.

Hi, dyl. I like dark chocolate,

Anything gummy and... What?

What? Oh, whatever.

Bye.

I can't believe this.
He just had to cancel.

- Why?
- Something about
appendicitis.

Appendicitis? That's awful.

Yeah, and on valentine's day!
Why does everything happen to me?

Kerry, I live for
valentine's day.

I mean, it's a day set
aside for beautiful girls.

So you don't think that
unattractive people fall in love?

Oh, kerry, that's not
love; that's company.

Hi, grandpa.

Did you name your
sea monkeys yet?

C.j., Would you come
over here for a minute?

I want to talk to you.

Where's the cane?

Throw it over there.

You know, c.j., It
really hurts my feelings

When you make jokes
about me being old.

Really?

Grandpa, I feel terrible.

I think I need to drink
something to feel better.

Or... Or you could
do me a little favor.

Sure. What do you need?

Well, I want you to
buy me some dr*gs.

Is this a sting?

No no, it's
medication for my hip.

Oh. Cool, right. Okay.

Why don't you get a pen and if
you could write it down on a...

Piece of paper.

"Acetylsalicylic acid"?

- All right, I'm on it.
- Hey, thank you, son.

The thing of it is it's
on back order right now

And the only place
you can get it is canada.

What?

Dude, I'm not going
to canada for you

On valentine's day.

I'll never make it back
in time for last call

And that's when I
get good looking.

All right, old yeller, I'll go.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Thank you, son.

What a tool.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey, mom.

Oh... Oh my god.

I can't believe you did this.

- Well, i...
- Rory, this is the sweetest thing

Anyone has ever done for me.

Honey, thank you so much.

Thank you, really. From
the bottom of my heart.

Oh, rory!

Happy valentine's day, mom.

Hey, ror.

Hey, missy.

Happy valentine's day.

Wow. This is so cool.

I have to tell you, kerry,

This is the best
valentine's day ever.

That is so sweet.

So do you want to
exchange gifts now

Or do you want
to wait for later?

Ha! Good one.

Thanks.

You know and to think, last year

I bought your
sister all that stuff.

I mean, I am saving,
like, so much money.

So what movie do
you want to see?

There's the lovey-dovey
sandra bullock movie.

Yeah, I would have definitely got
stuck seeing that one last year.

But not this year.

I love going out with you.

Yeah, I love going
out with you too.

"Night of the gory
dead corpses."

One, please.

You know, at first I thought
the play was really romantic,

But then the end is so sad.

It's like euripides
is saying w*r is bad.

Wow.

You actually
understand the play.

You know, you're not
as dumb as you look.

Thank you.

And you're not as
dull as you look.

Well, look at you: a
grammatically-correct insult.

- Shut up.
- You shut up!

- No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up.

Hello, bridget, jeremy.

Hey, jenna.

Well, I'm gonna go find our waitress;
see what's happening with our shakes.

Well, don't you two
make a cute couple?

Oh, me and jeremy?

No no, you don't think we're
together-together. He's my tutor.

Oh, really? What's
he tutoring you in?

Love?

We were studying at my house
and wanted to get something to eat.

I'm totally going out with
dylan who's got appendicitis.

Yeah, right, bridge.

I am. He was gonna
take me out anyway,

But I was like, "dylan, you
can't drive your convertible

With your guts hanging out."
Call the hospital. He's there.

I'm just teasing.

I promise I won't tell
anyone you're here. Okay?

Okay. Happy valentine's day.

Well, our shakes are coming...

Something about the
machine being broken.

That two-faced liar.

No, I think she was
telling the truth.

The manager's back
there working on it.

So where were we?

Oh, that's right. You were
pretending never to have noticed me.

What?

Can we just stick to the stuff
that's gonna be on the test?

Why? You know the material
backwards and forwards.

You can go back to telling
me to shut up and stuff.

- Okay, shut up.
- No, you shut up.

Do you have to talk so loud?

What's the big deal?

Oh, I get it.

You do?

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty clear.

Well, I gotta go.

My girlfriend's waiting

And marching-band
practice just got out.

I gotta go meet her. We're gonna
go shopping for xylophones.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

So if you just want to
pay me, I'll get out of here.

Double. It's a holiday.

Here. These are for you.

Oh, rory, this is so sweet.

Aren't these the silk
flowers from the bathroom?

Uh... Women.

Rory!

Wait here one sec.

Okay.

Um, honey, about these gifts...

You know, the cider
and chocolate...

I realized I made a mistake.

Make sure they get to
their rightful owner.

No, mom, they're
for you. You keep 'em.

Um, honey, those silk
flowers from the bathroom,

They're really expensive.

Get 'em back.

Here, happy valentine's day.

Oh, rory, this is so romantic.

Thank you. Should I
get us two glasses?

Okay.

Hey, this is used chocolate!

What?

Yeah, someone ate
like half the box!

Sorry.

Isn't a small amount of
something really good

Better than a whole lot of
something that's only so-so?

Sounds like a fancy
way of saying "cheap."

- But i... Let me...
- I'll just see you monday.

I told you.

Look at the bouquet
that girl has.

They're so gigantic
she can barely walk.

Yeah. Fool probably
spent like 5 bucks on that.

I don't necessarily
think he's a fool.

Dumb corporate holiday.

- Flower for the pretty lady.
- No thank you.

God, kyle!

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

It's valentine's day.

Everywhere you look, people
are being showered with gifts

And having the best, most
romantic night of their lives,

And you make me buy
my own ticket to a movie

Where people in the audience
are literally vomiting.

You said you hated
valentine's day.

I know. I do.

Then stupid bridget got
me all excited about it.

Never mind. Just take me home.

What? No.

No. Look, okay?

I wasn't gonna give you
this until after midnight

Because then it wouldn't
be valentine's day anymore,

But your own special day.

Well, you look
so sad, so... Here.

What is it?

Open it.

Oh my god.

These are all of our emails.

You made our emails into a book?

Yeah.

This is... So
incredibly romantic.

And I am such a good writer!

It was so close.

I mean, my reputation
could have been ruined.

What was I thinking going out with
jeremy in public on valentine's day?

Well, maybe you just assumed...

When he said he had to meet his
girlfriend, I think they believed him.

Well, it was really nice of
him to make that up for you.

Yeah, I think he made it up.

I mean, the guy can't actually
have a girlfriend, right?

I mean, can he?

Mmm.

A smart, cute, thoughtful guy

With a bright future
getting a date in high school?

I doubt it.

You know, I think I'm gonna call
him and thank him for what he did.

You're gonna call him?

Well, it was nice. Don't
you think it was nice?

I mean, he taught me so much.

Mmm. Sounds to
me like you like him.

Like "like him," like him?

No. No way. No.

Mmm. Whatever you say.

No. No way!

Well, have you called dylan yet?

Why would I call him and
ruin my valentine's day?

Well, honey, he's laid up in
the hospital with appendicitis.

He ain't doing so
good right now.

"Well."

What?

He ain't doing so well.

- Good night, mom.
- Good night, honey.

That was very nice... It was
real nice what you did tonight.

It was real nice what you did...

Really nice?

Super nice. It was
super nice what you did.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Grandpa, don't answer that.

Okay.

Hello?

Hey, it's c.j.

Acetylsalicylic acid?

You sent me all the way
to canada for aspirin?

C.j., The pain in
my hip is still here,

But now the pain in
my ass is in canada!