05x03 - Flesh and Blood

[bunniefuu]

Says here a family in the Old Country have

turned their house into a vampire themed hotel.

Well, it's the perfect scam, they're getting an endless

supply of breathers and the corpses never complain.

Thank you very much.

Wait a minute... We could do that here.

No, No, No...

We could turn the empty classrooms into bedrooms,

each with their own en shriek bathroom.

Can I book into the honeymoon suite?

I could wear something old, something new, something borrowed

and something blue - like the veins in my neck!

Bitey, bitey, bitey.

You'll be doing reception. And room service. And laundry.

Basically...you'll be doing everything.

Yeah. That'll make a change(!)

All those in favour of getting caught running an illegal

breather biting hotel and turned to dust, raise your right hand.

Keeping this empty barn running is draining me dry.

It's only fair I do the same to others.

Don't worry, Dad, when I'm head of The Vampire High Council

that'll be the first law I change.

Yes, talking of pure fiction, perhaps you could turn your hand to

writing the brochure?

I'll have you know tonight I'll be attending the council

networking weekend.

The first woman ever to be invited.

Well, someone's got to pour the drinks.

HE LAUGHS

What's that?

Hmm.

Why would someone who doesn't have a computer be carrying a memory stick?

Oh, is that what it is? I found it in the street.

Thought it was pretty.

Oh, so you don't mind all the data's been lost now it's been

- through the wash?
- Why would I care?

Dad, I want to see Mum. Will you help me find her?

I'd stay away from her.

She'll only try and steal money off you like last time.

Not Magda, my human mum, Sally.

The mother no-one is supposed to know about.

Ever. End of conversation.

I know you said it could be dangerous for her to make contact

but...I need to meet her.

Forget about the danger to her. What about the danger to me?

Do you know what The Vampire High Council will do

if they find out I...

If they find out I had a baby with a breather?!

- But Dad, it's...
- No, seriously, do you know what they'll do?

I know for a crime this big it's execution, but by what method?

Sunlight? Garlic? Stake? A stake made of garlic in the sunlight?

She's my mum! I want to know where I came from.

Right here! You're % me.

- Minimum.
- So you're not going to help me find her?

Oh, Vladdy, forget about her, please.

I'm sure she's forgotten about you.

Where are you now, Sally Giles?

- GHOSTLY VOICE:
- 'Keys. Keys. Come on, Sally, think!'

'Where did you put them?

'George, have you seen the car keys?

'I can't be late for my sculpture class,

'I'm teaching them welding tonight.

'It's OK, I found the spare set!'

And this can be the reception area. Front desk here, cobwebs there,

scary portraits of Aunt Blistelburst everywhere and voila!

One vampire themed hotel.

Perhaps I should bite the guests as they sign in and then that way

we wouldn't even need the bedrooms?

But you do get peckish in the middle of the night, Master?

Good point. Good point.

Let's fill the place up and make it all inclusive,

with a hour, all-you-can-eat buffet.

Are you planning a special discount for slayers

- because I predict a block booking?
- No, no, no.

If we tell the breathers we're vampires

and they book in and get bitten...

they've only got themselves to blame.

People come to hotels to be pampered not punctured.

They'll get value for money.

Where else can you book in for a weekend

and get immortality for free?

Scunthorpe?

Right, we have a hotel to build.

And when I say 'we', I mean you. Goodbye.

THE COUNT LAUGHS

I thought you'd like to know...

that...I found Sally.

What? What? What?! You know where she lives?!

No, but I'm getting closer.

Until you are you must do what I say.

Now stay away from that woman or you're going to get me dusted, Vlad!

I think you're going to do that all by yourself.

Someone's been busy.

What? It's just an old PC.

There's enough tech here to launch World w*r Three.

I wouldn't know, I only use it for e-mail.

And researching members of The High Council?

There's no harm in knowing who you're working with.

Harm being the key word.

Don't worry, I'll delete your search history when I'm finished.

Back off, nobody touches my gear.

Does Dad know you've got this?

Just be careful you don't download any viruses.

I thought you liked things that spread misery and destruction?

I don't know what you're talking about.

OK, let the lying begin.

"Dear Sally, we are opening Hotel Du Fang

"and would like you to come and stay this weekend

"to discuss making a sculpture for us.

"Kind regards. Vladimir."

Renfield, you're supposed to be making the staircase look scary.

Your face is already terrifying enough.

Have a nice weekend, I know I will.

I'll give your regards to Morgan and the rest of the council.

Oh, yes.

You can do that when you hand them their name badges.

You're just like this place - old school and in need of updating.

Bye!

You know, maybe this hotel wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Well, thank you for your ringing endorsement.

What's changed your tune?

Oh, no reason.

Just want to help. Maybe I can manage the bookings?

Splendid. Splendid.

- Just be sure to charge extra for use of the health spa.
- Health spa?

Yes. Yes. They can get a neck massage with free acupuncture.

You know what this hallway could really do with? A sculpture.

Vladimir, this is a hotel not a gallery.

The only works of art our guests will be admiring are these.

If you put a scary sculpture here you'll get the guests blood

pumping before they retire to their rooms.

Permanently.

What an evil idea. Well done, Vladdy.

Maybe some kind of gargoyle, all teeth and tongues

and twisted features?

I know just the sculptor we can hire. Do you want me

- to invite her over?
- By all means, let's get started.

And I know just the face she can model it on.

This better be worth it,

I hate being awake in the middle of the day.

And I'm famished. When are the first guests arriving?

Any minute now. Do you think this room looks scary enough?

Argh!

Oh...it's me!

I'll take that as a yes.

I don't know why you're going to all this trouble.

I'm going to bite them before they have time to unpack.

You can't.

This room is for the sculptor I was telling you about.

She's staying for the weekend and we need her alive.

- For the whole weekend?
- I can't believe she said yes!

She sounds desperate.

It's probably the first offer of work she's had in months.

- Make sure she pays up front.
- I said she could stay for free.

We are running a hotel not a charity!

I want blood and banknotes.

Please tell me the other rooms are full of paying victims...guests.

Well... No-one else is actually coming.

No-one?!

Vladimir, your fledgling career in hotel marketing is

hanging by a thread.

Snippety snip.

I've got a confession to make.

You might want to sit down for this.

I'll stand. I fight better on my feet.

The sculptor is called Sally.

This wouldn't be the Sally that we agreed never to talk about?

The Sally I gave strict instructions for you not to contact?

The secret Sally that no-one must know is your breather mother

or I'll be toast Sally?

I knew you were half breather but I never thought your mum would be

a... No, hang on, if The Count's your dad and you're half breather

then of course your mum had to be a breather!

I got it now. Yeah! Oh, it's nice you found her, isn't it?

You must be very excited indeed!

This feels like a family moment.

Relax, Dad, I'm not going to tell her who I am.

I just want to spend a weekend with her, what harm can that do?

A lot can happen in a weekend.

You...happened in a weekend.

Ingrid's away, no-one will even know she was here.

Look.

You're playing with fire and it's me who's going to get b*rned.

You're risking my life and for what?

For a chance to meet my mum.

What if she sees me?

It was years ago at a Goth festival in Whitby,

she probably won't even recognise you.

Oh, please. No woman never forgets this...face.

She's probably still single,

hoping that one day I'll walk back into her life.

That'll be why she's booked in with George.

George? He sounds very dull.

He sounds like he stuck around for longer than a weekend and

didn't secretly adopt the child they had together without telling her.

Look, she didn't know you were a vampire,

- I was doing it for her own good.
- You're all heart(!)

Yes! Yes, I am and I want it to stay that way.

So cancel her visit.

She's not stepping one foot inside this... hotel.

- BELL RINGS
- Too late.

- You must be Sally.
- Vladimir?

- Call me Vlad.
- I really love your vampire hotel,

the energy here is perfect for one of my pieces.

Oh...have I got paint on my face? I'm always doing that.

Or getting bits of clay in my hair. Occupational hazard!

No, it's OK.

Erm, we were hoping you could design something for here

at the bottom of the stairs.

What an inspiring space.

It needs to be a work that really captures the decrepit

beauty of the place.

That smell of damp and decay is so authentic!

Cheek!

Shall I sign you in? Is George parking the car?

No, George can't drive yet.

George sounds like an incompetent fool. But Sally...

- I'd forgotten what a fox she is.
- This is my daughter, Georgina.

Mum

Except I'm not allowed to call her that. George, this is Vlad.

It's nice to meet you, Georgina. I mean, George.

Vlad? Great name. Very vampiric.

What's your real name?

Vlad.

Oh, staying in character, I like it!

- Are you a vampire?
- Yes.

- Do you sleep in a coffin?
- Yes.

Can I see your fangs?

- (IN VAMPIRE VOICE)
- Yes, but then I'd have to bite you!

GEORGE LAUGHS

Oh, you're good. But I'm going to catch you out.

A nosy breather brat is the last thing we need.

They have to leave...

Here's your room key.

Cool, I wish we were staying for a week.

By the time I'm finished you'll be so scared you won't stay the night.

ROAR

- What was that?
- That was err...Count Dracula. Yes, he moves very fast.

No! No! No, seriously, I just felt something brush past me.

- Is this place haunted?
- Mum, they're just special effects.

Air cannon mounted in the ceiling?

RINGS BELL

Renfield will show you to your room.

Please...

follow me.

Thank you so much for doing the name badges.

After saving your life it's nice to be rewarded with such

an important job.

Keep up the good work and who knows where it might lead?

Cleaning the toilets, perhaps?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. One step at a time, Ingrid.

One step at a time.

- Quick question before you go.
- Mmm?

Where's my name badge?

Oh, you want to come in?

I thought that was the point of a networking weekend?

It is but...someone has to look after the capes.

Which reminds me.

If you could find an old iron knocking about and give them

all a quick once over that would be wonderful.

Right then...

Now you've had your little family reunion you can send them packing.

Just stop it.

I've only just met them, stop trying to scare them away.

First it was just your mother coming, now there's a half sister!

When's the bus arriving with the rest of your relatives?

Just stay out of the way and give me a chance to get to know them.

Long enough so they can spot the family resemblance?

- Do you think I look like them?
- Yes, you share their blood.

And so will every other vampire in a five mile radius

- if they stay too long.
- I can protect them.

And who's protecting you? Don't get too close, Vladimir.

Your heart can get hurt by more than just a stake.

I can handle it.

I understand that they're here for a weekend, not forever.

There's a problem with the room.

Sorry about this, it's just I can't share with Mum,

- she snores like a train.
- You can have my room.

Your room?

Sorry, it's a hotel thing - I think of all the rooms as my room.

- Wow, look at this coffin.
- Yeah, I know. Pretty impressive, huh?

- It looks totally fake.
- Fake?

Sorry, me and my big mouth.

Like you want to know what I think of your hotel.

No, go on, it'll be good to get an honest opinion.

Well, I think this coffin is way too fancy.

Only a loser vampire would sleep in something like this.

I'm starting to like her.

Too fancy, got it. What about the rest of the room?

- That's pretty cool, right?
- I don't know,

it's all a bit try hard. It feels like the bedroom of a total poser!

And there's a really weird smell. Like a cross between...

Let's find you another room, shall we?

And this is the Count Dracula penthouse suite.

It's more of a poser's room than the last one.

- But it's yours if you want it.
- (Don't even think about it.)

- Oh, wow...
- I know.

- This is more like it!
- What?

This feels like a proper vampire sleeps here.

(Oh... Your sister has impeccable taste.)

But that coffin's even fancier than mine...

I mean, fancier than the one in the other room.

- No, this one's got class.
- If you say so.

Plus it doesn't have that weird smell.

- You know, the one that's like a cross between...
- Yeah, I got that.

This lining is so soft.

(I'm really not happy about a breather in my coffin!)

- That's strange.
- You OK in there?

I used to get scared thinking there was a monster under my bed.

It feels like there's one in here with me.

(But I'll make an exception for her.)

My mum's snoring's not bad. I think I'll bunk in with her.

Not a problem.

Look. You've got two moles in exactly the same place as me.

Oh, yeah. But I bet loads of people have got matching moles.

- In exactly the same place?
- Yeah, I am sure it happens all the time.

C'mon, let's get you back to your mum's room.

I like making things out of rubbish, I'm very big on recycling.

She once recycled someone's favourite trainers.

- They had holes in them!
- Just be careful what you leave lying around.

You might find some of these dusty old antiques missing.

George, these aren't dusty old antiques.

(Yes, thank you.)

They're cheap props for the hotel bought from junk shops.

- What was that?
- It's just another special effect.

- How did you do that?
- Trade secrets.

- Oh. Is that you as a baby?
- No. That's my older brother Adam.

You've got a brother?!

I mean, sure... Wow... That's nice for you.

Any other brothers and sisters?

No, just Adam. I've never met him though.

I was very young when I got pregnant.

- At a Goth weekend in Whitby!
- Yes, I don't think we need to go into all the details, thank you.

My parents persuaded me to give him up for adoption.

So somewhere out there I've got an older brother called Adam.

Adam... What an interesting name.

I never met the people who adopted him.

I just hope he's with a nice family.

He'd be about your age now.

Wherever he is I'm sure he's thinking about you.

- We're going to try and find him.
- Are you?

When he turns , I'm going to go to the adoption agency,

see if I can trace him.

(I didn't know you could do that.)

Would Mesdames care to peruse the luncheon menus?

Oh, it's French, very fancy!

- Mais oui.
- HE LAUGHS

They're just serving up.

Good, I'm starving.

I am afraid they're short-staffed, they need help.

You want me to work as a waitress?

Yes.

And after the meal the members will need their fangs flossing.

Waitress and dental hygienist? What an honour.

Unfortunately, I have a terrible pain in the neck

that I must deal with.

Oh, that is unfortunate. Still I suppose if it can't wait...

Can anybody else smell burning?

Will they be able to find me through the paperwork?

Strangely enough I decided not to put my occupation down as vampire.

And I didn't use my real name.

No, you aren't good with real names, are you?

We had to change it to Vladimir.

No self respecting vampire from the Old Country is called Adam.

I never thought she'd come looking for me.

And now they've found you but they just don't know it..yet

George spotted we had matching moles.

And how long before she spots you've got matching mothers?

I don't want them to know who I am. What I am.

They'll think I'm a freak and start screaming.

We have to get them out of here as fast as possible.

It's like hearing myself think.

I'll say we've got a burst water pipe and send them home.

No, no, no. We can't rush them, that'll only make them suspicious.

You're right.

They can stay overnight and we'll make our excuses in the morning.

- Where are they now?
- Renfield's making them a fancy lunch.

Excellent. Excellent. It'll take them until morning

to chew through his food.

Right... Pot. Pot. Pot.

Pot. Where is it?

He's out cold.

But we need him to make this posh food they've ordered.

Wake up, Renfield!

Let him sleep, I'll prepare the food.

They've ordered gourmet French cuisine,

- not eight pints of O-negative.
- I can cook.

Dad, you could burn cornflakes.

My dear boy, you know so little about me.

To tempt the finest necks in Europe to your table it

pays to know your boeuf bourguignon from your coq au vin.

A-ha! Stand back.

What did you order again?

- I went for the filet de rouget de poele.
- What's that?

- No idea. How about you?
- I chose the St Jacques grille.

- What's that?
- Dunno. Hope it's French for burger and chips.

What if we've both ordered something disgusting like...sheep's brains?

- I can look it up on my phone.
- Good idea.

- No signal. I'll see if I can find one.
- All right.

- Tuck in!
- Wow, that looks amazing.

- Where's George?
- She went to find a signal on her phone.

- I'll go get her.
- No, it's OK. You start, I'll go find her.

What are you doing here?!

- You're supposed to be at the conference all weekend?
- I got bored.

They gave you loads of lame jobs to do, didn't they?

I don't want to talk about it.

Can you smell breather?

Erm...you must be picking up Renfield.

He's particularly pungent today.

No, this is different.

Female.

Well, it must be that new wood polish he's been using.

Pity. I'm in the mood for a feast.

Yes, wi-fi! That'll work.

Well, Renfield's come round.

He thinks my gratin dauphinois is a little salty.

- I think someone's a little jealous.
- Ingrid's back!

- What?!
- She got treated like dirt by the High Council

- and now she's on the warpath!
- What did I say would happen?

Did they get her doing the name badges?

- We need to find George and get them out of here now.
- Right.

- Come on.
- Oh, right.

Hotel emergency! We're evacuating the building.

I'm so sorry but we're going to have to close the hotel

- and ask you to leave.
- Why, what's happened?

It turns out the...spiders we've shipped in to spin

the cobwebs are poisonous. One bite and it's instant death.

But what about the sculpture?

- I'm afraid we'll have to put that on hold.
- Oh, that's a shame.

- I know.
- Well, I suppose we had better go and pack, then.

Already sorted.

Oh, I see, you want us to leave right this minute?

There are a thousand k*ller spiders on the loose and they're tiny.

They could be anywhere! Come on, chop chop.

- Give me a call when the spiders have gone.
- That could take months.

Well, let's keep in touch.

We have to come back - this place is amazing.

- We may even have to close down permanently.
- You think so?

- And move out.
- Such a great idea for a hotel.

Too bad it didn't work out the way I'd planned. Renfield, thank you.

This way.

So I don't expect we will see you again?

I'm sorry we didn't have more time together.

- Well, take care of yourself, Vlad.
- Stay away from things that bite.

You too.

THE COUNT CHUCKLES

I've decided, running a hotel is far too much like hard work.

Dad, I'm sorry I should never...

No, no! No, no! No need to apologise, Vladdy.

After all...

all's well that ends well.

SCREAMING

Stop!

You nearly got me there!

I came back for my handbag and wasn't expecting it.

- Shut up, breather!
- Let her go, Ingrid.

Get your own, she's mine!

- You can't bite her!
- I've had enough of being told what to do today!

Sorry, can we not do this now. I know you want to practise

but I don't want to get bitten by a spider!

The only thing you're going to get bitten by is me!

GROWLING

You're vampires!

- That's enough!
- Get off me, Dad!

It's you.

Hello, Sally. It's been a long time.

Are you...

Are you my son?