05x09 - The Bodyguard

[bunniefuu]

LOUD DRONING HUM

Please tell me he's not going to be doing that the whole time.

Father Tollunde is a deeply religious vampire.

His mantra keeps him in a constant state of heightened awareness,

something we thought might be important

after the recent assassination attempt.

I don't need a bodyguard,

especially not a weird, droning one, no offence.

As The Chosen One, you're simply too important to risk.

And, given your interest in alternative vampiric lifestyles,

I thought his mantra might appeal to you.

Perhaps he could join you in your meditation sessions.

You seem to know a lot about me, Mr...?

Roquelour. As VHC Security Chief, it's my job to know.

Like I know that your sister has been

listening in to our conversation for the last five minutes.

Not listening in, actually.

I just didn't want to leave Vlad alone with a stranger.

He's very important to us, too.

OK, so, I've got some privacy issues,

but don't you think, as The Chosen One, I can look after myself?

In a straight fight, perhaps.

But what about if it's a...

surprise att*ck?!

DEEP VOICE: You're welcome.

It's only a temporary measure,

until the assassins who tried to take your life are caught.

Yeah, well, I-I-I knew you were going to do that, obviously.

I'm so powerful now, stakes practically bounce off me.

I, er...

I laugh in... in the face of pointy wood.

Ha!

So, what does it do?

Aside from the really annoying droning.

Oh, is that him? I thought the washing machine was on the blink.

- You know, when it brr, brr...
- He doesn't do anything.

He's not meant to react unless I'm in danger.

Oh.

Interesting.

Renfield, I think one of your cockroaches

just climbed down Vlad's collar.

Never fear, Master, I'll catch the tasty blighter.

Hey... Hey... Ugh...

You're welcome.

- INGRID LAUGHS
- Oh, yes, very funny for you,

but I've got him following me around all day waiting for an att*ck,

which isn't exactly ideal, is it?

Hm? Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, you'll be quite safe with him around, won't you?

Vlad, Vlad, a word.

RENFIELD GRUNTS

It's going to be...

It's going to be very difficult to keep

the fact that your, er...

(powers are fading) from him, isn't it?

Yes, that was what I was referring to, yes.

A bit further down here.

- So do something about it.
- No.

It's the only way.

You need to do something to, er...

suppress your human side.

I am not biting anyone!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah! Well, then, you'll have to come up with something else

before HE works it out and WE... are all dust.

Now, Ren, Ren, Ren...

Renfield, come on! This is no time for lazing around.

Do you really expect me to answer my own front door?

No!

Come on, depeche toi!

Yes, thank you.

Well, this complicates things.

It certainly does.

Argh!

After the open house fiasco, I've decided to call in a professional.

A vampire property consultant has offered his services and...

I need you to show him around.

KNOCK AT DOOR

But, but!

Stop him seeing why we need to leave in the first place.

Mm-hm-hm-hm hm-hm?

You'll get it, you'll get it, come on.

Oh! You mean The Mag...

Ow!

Yes, yes. On second thoughts, I'll show him around.

You guard the old, er, you-know-what room and don't let anyone in.

- Right.
- And would you please, PLEASE, get rid of all this bread!

You know, if there's one thing I don't understand,

it's humanity's obsession with carbohydrates.

RENFIELD GRUNTS, KNOCKING CONTINUES

Door!

Oh, look at the mess! The mess!

Mmnth-mmmnn, mmn-mm!

Mmn mmmn mmmn!

Roughly translated as welcome to Garside, Mr...

I'm so sorry, I've forgotten your name.

Sh...andor. Alexi Shandor.

Yes, yes, that's the one.

I'm hoping you're as good as you say you are.

Oh, I am.

When I'm finished, vampires will be fighting to buy this house.

In fact, I can promise a total bloodbath.

- I knew I liked you. This way.
- Thank you.

Mm-mn, after you.

VLAD DRONES UNCERTAINLY

It's OK. Use it.

SHE DRONES CONFIDENTLY

VLAD JOINS IN

No! No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, but you're totally messing with my chi.

- I'll have to insist you wait outside.
- But Mr Roq...

Mr Roq has checked in here. That is the only way in and she's...

Well, she's only a girl.

Oi!

I mean, yes. I am indeed a weak girl.

Go on.

We need to find those bounty hunters. Quickly.

I'd love to help, I really would, but Master said I must stay here.

Oh, come on. With your scientific genius,

his strength and her...

cute nose...

Oh, thanks.

..we'll be able to sleuth our way to the bounty hunters in seconds.

What do you say?

You had me at "genius".

Those bounty hunters

are about to get their bounty...hunted!

Ha-ha-ha... Ow!

Garlic gas residue?

A most beguiling house, Mr Count,

it would be such a shame

if it wasn't to achieve its full potential...

Yes, I'm really rather, rather fond of it, actually.

After you.

Interesting!

RENFIELD LAUGHS

Ow!

RENFIELD SNIFFS

TOLLUNDE DRONES, VLAD WHISPERS

This could be the one. Sharing information with...

VLAD WHISPERS

RENFIELD SNIFFS

RENFIELD INHALES DEEPLY

RENFIELD SNIFFS

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

If I may?

The garlic gas used by the...

The garlic gas used by the Bounty Hunters was manufactured

from a rare bulb grown on the slopes

of an obscure Himalayan mountain range.

How does that help us?

Because I have tracked down the exact manufacturing plant

that weaponised the garlic.

Right, well, where is that?

Well, it's the Himalayas. So, I propose a fact-finding mission to...

To the Himalayas?

Yes, that's right. So...

Couldn't we just use the bounty hunters' business card?

Because it's got the bat box number on the back.

- Has it?
- And then we hand them over to the VHC.

Huh, let me see that.

Ow!

You're welcome.

TOLLUNDE RESUMES DRONING

Do you know how long a VHC investigation takes?

No. We can't wait. We track down the bounty hunters ourselves.

But first things first, we get rid of him.

I love what you've done in here!

Oh, it takes a powerful man to pull off a throne room.

And this, this just screams diabolical grandeur.

Well, you know, one...one... one tries one's best.

But, if I may be so bold, it feels like it's missing something.

- Bats.
- Oh, really? Bats? In a throne room?

Oh, we call them... living heritage ornaments.

Droppings can be a problem, but you have a, er, domestic, do you not?

Oh, yes, yes, and Renfield has been a little, er, idle of late.

Well, you only have to bring them out for viewings.

I have some samples outside if you're interested,

including a brace of magnificent Diphylla Reptilous.

Very rare.

Well, that's all very well, but this sounds, er...expensive.

Well, these ARE premium bats.

Well, yes.

- But you've caught me in a good mood.
- Oh!

Have them on a trial basis.

If they don't get you a sale, I'll take them away.

You don't pay a thing.

Well, in that case, bring on the bats! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, yes. Oh, bag!

Thank you.

- Operation Chosen DONE is afoot.
- Clever.

I've been gossip-bombing Vlad at the VHC,

but to finish the job, we've got to get rid of that bodyguard.

How do you suggest we do that? Have you seen the size of him?

- That shouldn't be a problem.
- What?! You go after him, then!

What are you doing here?

The failure of the bounty hunters proved only a Ramanga

can get justice for our father.

So, what? You're planning revenge with interior design?

No.

Now we're both on the inside, we pick off the family one by one.

So, how exactly do you start a career in property consultation?

Well, you see...

You, er, you really must tell me...

- ..interest in architecture...
- ..thing with your fringe...

- Hello!
- Hello!
- Hello!

Is there a basement here?

Keep working on Tollunde, see if he ever lets his guard down.

I'll keep working the VHC, pull some strings.

TOLLUNDE DRONES

VLAD AND TALITHA'S VOICES BEHIND DOOR

So, when's your next break?

Tollunde does not need a "break".

Really?

Tollunde has a trained body.

Tollunde exists on a higher plane.

Tollunde...

SOUND OF TAPE TANGLING

TAPE UNSPOOLS

..is a massive, droning idiot.

Mr Roq will not be happy.

So, who's first? Vlad?

No, the Count's other son.

He thinks you saved his life, so it should be easy to get him alone.

You'll have the honour of the first k*ll.

Um, yes. That would be an honour.

(Vlad?)

- Vlad?
- What?!

You look a bit nervous.

I've got no powers, I've got enemies everywhere

and I'm waiting in a cafe to meet the assassins

who've been paid to k*ll me.

Yes, I'm a bit nervous.

One of them's just walked in.

Well, where's the other one?

What do we do?

Play it cool.

Stake her out.

- Really?
- Mm.

OK.

What are you...?

Don't move. We've got you surrounded.

What did you do that for?

You said to stake her out.

As in a stakeout. American cop cars,

coffee and doughnuts? Not STAKE out.

Oh.

Start talking. Where's the other one?

Watch out, she's reaching for...

- She's reaching for her necklace.
- Leave it alone.

I said, leave it alone!

Keep your voice down, or you're dust.

Whose remains are these?

Why don't you ask your boyfriend? He's the one who dusted him.

After I escaped, I couldn't find my husband anywhere.

And then two days later, I received an anonymous parcel.

I thought you sent it as a warning.

It wasn't me. I promise.

So, why carry his dust around with you?

It's silly, but there's a legend about a hidden fountain.

The Lazarus Spring.

That has the power to bring vampires back from dust.

I made an oath I'd carry his dust with me until I found it.

Yeah, but that's just a myth, isn't it?

Asan?

Why does The Count want us in the basement?

Oh, um... to clean it for his new bats.

Great. Just great.

A few days ago, I was his long-lost son, now I'm his bat skivvy.

Sorry.

I shouldn't take my family problems out on you.

Well, I say family...

Do you think about yours a lot?

All the time.

They're all gone now.

My father was dusted trying to save me.

Sorry.

It's fine.

It just means I've got a lot to live up to.

But then you'd know all about that.

Powerful dad...

MALIK SCOFFS

Come on, you've got to admit The Count has power.

I wasn't disagreeing with that bit.

- Y-You mean...?
- Never mind.

Hey, forget families.

You and me, we're stronger than that.

Yeah? We've got to stick together. Look out for each other.

You know what?

All that power...

The Count can clean his own basement!

And that concludes your tour, Mr, er...?

Now, exactly how much do you think we can raise the asking price?

Sorry, but haven't you missed a room?

No, no, no! No, there's nothing over there.

Now, if you'd like to come this way...

I would just hate to miss a room of such a beautiful house,

especially one marked as a biohazard and under guard.

No, no, no, no! Renfield's not guarding it, are you, Renfield?

What?

He's just very sensitive about his, er, bio-hazardous...laboratory.

Isn't that right, Renfield?

Yes.

But there's power here, isn't there?

Fearsome, glorious power!

You really... You really are too kind.

You know, I often have that effect on people. Now, now, please...

OK.

Ah, peace at last!

Hang on.

Ow!

Just checking. Yep, Tollunde has definitely gone.

I know. I keep expecting him to just...appear!

Funny thing, I've just been at the VHC

and there's a lot of talk going around

- about you and that bounty hunter.
- Really?

Seems she's asserted the ancient rite of trial by battle.

And here's the thing -

they've selected you to be the one she fights.

- To the dust, obviously.
- BOTH: What?

Well, they only thought it right

to be giving you the opportunity for revenge.

That doesn't make any sense.

Why give me a bodyguard one minute and then put me in danger the next?

You mean put you in a cage with a trained k*ller?

Well, yes, it wasn't a unanimous decision at first

but, you see, there's this rumour going around

that you're now so powerful

that victory would be assured against a lowly bounty hunter.

- A rumour?
- Yes.

Apparently, someone reported

that you've been boasting that you "laugh in the face of pointy wood"?

Oh, and don't worry about confirming.

I accepted on your behalf.

You are welcome!

- Vladdy, Vladdy, I've just heard.
- So have I.

Well, well? What are you waiting for?

We need to get over there and convince them to change their minds.

How do you expect me do that?

He can't transform.

Well, there's nothing else for it. You've got to bite a breather.

- No.
- There might be another way.

While I was studying with this tribe in Indonesia...

Oh, here we go again!

They taught us how to use our transformative powers

with other vampires.

You? Perform a tandem transformation? Never! Go away.

- It's worth a go.
- We, er... We have to be close.

- Oh.
- Closer than that.

Touching.

Just a cute nose, huh?

I'd say I had more going for me than that.

In fact, I'd say I was smokin'!

Unbelievable!

You must find out what's in that room.

And the other matter?

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

- You all right, Asan?
- Hey.

FOOTSTEPS RETREAT

OK. Just...hear me out.

I don't think he's a Dracula.

Well, he more or less admitted it.

And he's not a big fan of The Count.

I think he could be a useful ally.

And wouldn't the ultimate revenge on The Count

be betrayal by one of his household?

SHANGO CHUCKLES

Spoken like a true Ramanga.

Ow. Ow!

Vladdy, Vladdy, I tried my best,

but they're all set on this barbaric ritual.

All I can offer now...is my wisdom.

Well, as his regent, you could fight as his second

and be dusted at his side?

But, but, but...

Well, yes, yes, I could, but...

I don't need you to do that.

No, she's right, Vlad. I suppose I could.

I have news from the prisoner.

- Go on.
- When she discovered that her opponent was to be

the all-powerful Chosen One, the coward changed her plea to guilty.

Apologies,

but it looks as though you won't be needing your armour today.

Yes! Yes! No dusting for me!

No dusting for... I-I-I... I don't mean that.

I-I-I mean you. No dusting for us.

What's going to happen to her now?

Right, right, right. Yes, what?

As befits her crime, she will be dusted by the first light of dawn.

C'est la mort.

I'd like to see her, one last time.

If you insist.

This way.

But... Er...

KEYS TURN IN LOCK

Vladdy?

I'm sorry, but I need to do this alone.

What?!

What are you doing in there? Well, do something, Roquelour!

SHE HISSES

Here to gloat?

No. I'm here to say I'm sorry.

You're not the first vampire to be dusted because of me

and I'm pretty sure you're not going to be the last.

No. You are The Chosen One

and right now, I need to believe that a wretched creature like me

had no right to challenge that.

I need to accept that,

otherwise...this has been for nothing.

Live up to the prophecy and enjoy your immortality.

I only wish...

I only wish mine was a little longer.

Can I ask one final thing?

Could I have the honour of dying

at the hand of the greatest vampire of all time?

Yes, yes, about time.

- Out of my way!
- Out of mine!

SCREAMING

It is done.

Nobody crosses The Chosen One.

I do not need a bodyguard.

Yes!

Yours, I believe.

Vlad, Vlad.

At least talk to me!

There's nothing to say.

No? How about, "Sorry for taking such a stupid risk?"

I thought you'd be happy for me.

I'm supposed to be this uber-vampire.

Last time I checked, vampires aren't big on compassion.

Yeah, well, maybe I'm starting to miss your human side.

Don't worry. I'm pretty sure it's still in here somewhere.

You smuggled her out?

But I saw the dust.

It wasn't mine.

And the Lazarus Spring?

Doesn't exist, remember?

Well, at least this way, my husband's dusting wasn't in vain.

I've given you a second chance. Don't make me regret it.

I don't want to see you again.

You won't.

But...first things first.

I always pride myself on finishing a contract.

Oh, my poor dead husband(!)

I can't believe you fell for that.

The greatest vampire of all time?

You're weak.

In fact, you're barely a vampire at all, are you?

No.

But I am.

Well, looks like I'll have to dust the girlfriend first.

- TALITHA HISSES
- Bring it.

Er...?

OK, don't freak out,

but I haven't been entirely honest with you.

I am your bodyguard, Vlad. I've been protecting you ever since we met.

My father assigned me to you.

You met him today, the VHC Head of Security.

Roquelour. Why didn't you tell me?

We speculated that you might be too proud to have a bodyguard,

especially one who is "only just a girl".

Hey, I was pretending to be sexist, OK?

And anyway, I could have coped without you.

I totally had that situation under control.

Yeah? Like with those zombies in Haiti?

Yeah. I incapacitated them with my banshee wail.

No, I incapacitated them. You screamed like a girl and fainted.

Hey, I did not faint!

Oh.

So, what's so urgent that you need to speak to me alone down here?

My brother wanted me to dust you with this.

OK, who... Who's your brother?

Shango. Ramanga's eldest son.

Right, OK, Asan, let's talk about this, OK?

It's OK. I convinced him you could be a useful ally.

An ally?

In what?

In the complete obliteration of the Dracula family,

starting with The Count.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Yeah, but...to take them ALL on? The Chosen One?

We'd need an army.

Fortunately, that's exactly what we've got.