07x02 - Ron and Jammy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
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Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
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07x02 - Ron and Jammy

Post by bunniefuu »

Knopey, my girl, what up?

- I just farted.
- Oh, Jeremy.

I truly thought that I would never
have to interact with you again.

I missed you too.

The city council is voting
on whether to rezone

the Newport land
for commercial use.

If I win, stupid Gryzzl
and stupid Ron

can't build anything there,
and then I'm sitting pretty.

Sadly, the deciding vote
is from my old city council mate

and human equivalent of
gas station Sushi, Jeremy Jamm.

So I am here to talk to you
about why you should vote "No"

- in the zoning issue--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up, little chica.

Before we go any further, I need to ask
my girlfriend how she wants me to vote.

Why? Who's your
girlfriend?

Hello, Leslie.

Tammy!

Wow, Jamm and Tammy.
Jammy.

Jammy.

You guys are so cute.
When did you--

why would either one of you,
uh, you know, why?

Dear God, why?

Hit it off at karaoke.

She saw me nail
Gangsta's Paradise.

I saw her bite the door guy...

She then let me buy her
a bunch of purses,

- and the rest is history.
- A bunch.

Wait a second, this is great news,
because Ron is my opponent in this,

and you live
to t*rture Ron.

Vote for me so that you
can screw Ron over.

Maybe you're not
a blonde bimbo after all.

- Thank you.
- Well, let me mull it over.

Sure, I'm aligning myself
with terrible people,

but think of all
the wonderful people

who will benefit
from a national park!

It's worth it, and you
can trust my opinion

because I have a lot
to gain by being right,

and I have severe tunnel vision
about achieving my goals.

Joan, on behalf of the entire
city, congratulations.

I do want to apologize for not
being able to accommodate

- some of your requests.
- Oh.

For example,
we couldn't get a bottle

of Chateau Marmont because it's a hotel
in Los Angeles, not a wine.

Well, did you at least get
Buddy Holly to sing?

No, because he's been
famously dead for 60 years.

- What?
- Hi, Joan.

Hi, my name is April,
and I'm your biggest fan,

- and I pretty much hate everyone.
- Oh.

Will you sign your
ninth memoir for me?

Well, it would
be my pleasure.

You said your
name was Glenn?

- Yes, I did.
- That's pretty.

Joan has always been
kind of a train wreck,

but the last three years,
she's gone off the deep end.

She did a string of
shows from rehab.

Victoria Herzog, you were a successful
attorney from Wilmington, Delaware.

Then you hit rock bottom.

This is supposed to be
anonymous.

She once gave every member
in her audience a car.

One car, that they all
had to fight for.

Oh, and last year she did a show where
she called all of her ex-boyfriends

while sitting on
a washing machine.

Well, Erik, if you didn't
give it to me, then who did?

I love her so much.

I hope she's my real mom.

"Entrepreneur-bachelor
Tom Haverford

"is making quite a splash
in the culinary world.

We expect even bigger things
from him in 2018."

Tom, what does
"culinary" mean?

It means this is a cause
for celebration.

Round of drinks for everyone
on the house.

Yeah! Oh, let me also get a chicken
parm and a lasagna on the side.

And a spaghetti to go.
On the house!

Yes.

That's the fourth
engagement this month.

I'm tired of being
an entrepreneur/bachelor.

I need to find someone.

Are you bummed, Tom?

Hey, I got a quick fix for that.
Let's get hammered.

Everything here is free.

Ron.

Ms. Knope. How's that
$0 bid coming along?

You know, in my experience
with capitalism,

people normally expect money in
exchange for their goods and land.

In my experience with
buttfaces, you are one.

We will now hear arguments
about the Newport property.

First, on behalf of Gryzzl,
Mr. Ron Swanson.

Thank you, councilman.

When you vote tomorrow,
we believe you should vote

to rezone the land
for commercial use.

Well, I'm convinced.
Tomorrow I'm voting for Gryzzl.

What?

I didn't even get a chance
to say my plan.

Your plan?

You know who
else had a plan?

Please don't say h*tler.

Adolf h*tler.

I'm with Swanson.

It's a stache thing.
Stache bros.

You wouldn't understand.

We're done here.

Well, that was easy.

What the hell
just happened?

Thank you, Commissioner
Gordon, people of Gotham.

Okay, she thinks
she's in Batman.

People often ask me,
"Joan, how do you do it?"

It's simple.

I love being on TV.

I've known what I've wanted to do
since I was ten years old.

That is the key
to living a good life.

If you don't absolutely love
what you do with a true passion,

then what's the point
in doing it at all?

On a separate note, I think that
America should have a purge night.

Let me explain why.

Do I even like my job?

I must be the first
person ever

to have money, power, and notoriety
but still feel empty.

I need someone
to share my life with.

What if your future wife is
somebody that you already know?

Let's open your Gryzzl page.

What about her?
She's cute.

- Date her.
- That's my cousin.

Oh. How about her?

That's my dad!
What's wrong with you?

I'm drunk, okay? Why are you
only friends with your family?

Ooh, look, you just got a message
from somebody named Lucy in Chicago.

She looks familiar.

Yeah, we used to date.
I was super into her.

No, that's not it.
Was she in Destiny's Child?

"Hey, Tom.
Saw the article, you boss!

Let's catch up soon.
Miss you."

Do you realize
what's happening?

We have been sitting here searching
for your soul mate this whole time,

and then Lucy just
Gryzzl-texts you out of nowhere?

It's a sign, and we
have to catch it.

We are going to Chicago.

Andy, think about what
you're saying right now,

'cause it's the smartest idea
anyone's ever had.

- Let's go!
- Yeah!

Ron, what did you do?

I delivered a flawless presentation
and secured tomorrow's vote.

No, you got all sneaky
and snuck around

and snooked that
vote away from me.

And I know this because earlier
I sneaked and snooked around,

and Jammy was supposed
to vote for me.

The snooker has become
the snorked.

What are you talking--

She's near.

Hey, Ron.

Tammy.

So you two are
together now.

- My condolences to both of you.
- Mm.

You guys were supposed
to vote for me.

Leslie, I would never
do anything to help you.

You've always been
against me and Ron.

You're a big part of the reason
that he and I aren't together

and I had to settle
for this placeholder.

I love you so much.

So you thought if you voted for Ron,
you could actually win him back?

Yeah, that's right.
Did it work, baby?

Are you horny
with gratitude?

You two more than
deserve each other.

Good luck.

The vote is tomorrow.

If I don't get Jamm out
from Tammy's clutches,

I'm doomed! It's like
rescuing a bunny from a lion,

but that lion is
a demonic sociopath

with really nice cleavage.

All right, we're here.

Sir, where
the hell are we?

Chicago.

That'll be $830.

Oh, no.

- This is so dumb.
- Awesome!

Turn the car around.
We're going back home.

No way. Pay me.
And get the hell out of my cab.

Pay the man.

Chicago!

The Big Apple!

- Well, that's where Lucy works.
- Yeah.

Must have given
the cabbie the address.

Let's just get something
to eat and fly home.

What? No!
We came all this way.

Tom, we should
at least say hi.

No. You can't not talk
to someone for five years

and then show up unannounced where
they work in a different city.

That's what murderers do
before they m*rder someone.

Tom?

I thought that was you.
What are you doing here?

Oh, uh--

You're not going
to m*rder me, are you?

No. I'm here doing
stuff, um--

Lucy, hey.
Andy Dwyer.

- Remember me?
- Yeah.

He's here helping me
find a place to live.

I just got a job here, and then
when you hit him up on Gryzzl,

he was like, "Let's go say hi to Lucy
since we're already here in Chicago."

- Yeah. That's the deal.
- Cool. What job is it?

Head coach of
the Chicago Bulls.

No, he's, uh,
working at a nonprofit.

No, what? Am I?

Aw, that sucks.

Well, um, listen, I got some
stuff I got to do in the office,

but I want to hang out.

Do you want to meet me
here in, like, an hour?

Yeah. That sounds great.

We'll, uh, got get a little

- Chicago deep dish pizza
and go watch the Bears. - No.

I'm sorry I started
doing that.

- Hey, April. How's it going?
- Fine.

Except hearing Joan talk about her
passion and doing what you really love,

like, totally
freaked me out.

Eight years ago, I accepted a random
internship at the Parks Department,

and then Leslie told me
to do a bunch of stuff,

and now I'm executive director
of regional whatever--

I don't even know
what it means,

and I never even asked myself
if I even really like it.

I mean, it's like what
is my purpose in life?

What do I even care about?

My insides are dying.

So, not fine.

I don't know what to do.
I have to quit.

To do what?

I'm just gonna go live under a bridge
and ask people riddles before they cross.

Okay, hold on. Do you remember
what Joan said at the ceremony?

That is doesn't count
as stripping if no one pays you?

Yes, she did say
that, but no.

She knew she wanted to be
on TV when she was ten.

So what did you want
to be when you were ten?

It says here the future of caskets
may just be biodegradable plastic.

Oh, you don't say.
Hey, are you chilly?

- I'm a little chilly, I think.
- No.

Hey, guys. Welcome.
I'm Dan.

Hi, I'm Ben. This is April.
And I'm scared of death.

I'm just really interested
in learning what you do.

You're gonna love it here.

People are dying
to get in.

Come on, come on. We'll start
down at the cadaver chute.

The cadaver chute.
Come on!

So this is where
you want to eat lunch?

In a steakhouse?

Don't you have
irritable bowel syndrome?

God, I hate that
I know that.

Yeah, it's m*rder on the old
plumbing, but, uh,

Tammy only wants me
to eat steak and whiskey.

She has my stool analyzed
just to keep me honest.

I don't think this
relationship is that healthy.

I mean, it seems like Tammy
is trying to turn you into Ron,

and you're Jeremy Jamm,
I mean, come on.

You love Porsches
and spiked iced tea,

and you have
a Hooters platinum card.

Yeah, Tammy doesn't really
let me do that stuff anymore.

But, uh, you know,
it's good, you know?

I'm better now.

I mean, sure, I'm depressed,
and, uh, I'm constantly sick,

and nothing really brings me
joy, but it just feels right.

Oh, God.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, help me, Knope.

Oh, I used to be so great.

Remember?
Everybody thought so.

- Well--
- Oh, God.

Wow. This is worse
than I thought.

You're broken.
She has broken you.

You need to get
away from her.

Oh, God. Whoa, hey.
Look at that.

More hair came out.

Yeah, I think you're really
going to like it here.

And obviously everyone's
in a really great mood now

because of the Cubs
winning the series.

Yeah, it seems really nice. I mean,
I am gonna miss Pawnee, though.

My wife's there,
for crying out loud.

Yeah, tell me about Pawnee.
It sounds like it's really changed.

Oh, yeah. There's a ton
of new businesses.

Gryzzl came in. They gave everyone
free tablets and wi-fi and phones.

You can watch Hitch 2
anytime, anywhere.

Finally, that's the dream.

Part of me wants to go
back, you know?

I always kind of
liked it there.

Man, you got me really
missing Pawnee now.

I don't know what to do.
Am I making the right decision?

Hey.

- Why are you here?
- I'm calling a temporary truce.

You need to help me
break up Jamm and Tammy.

Forget it. You just want
Jamm to switch his vote.

What is this,
revenge for Morning Star?

No, it is not about that.

It is not about the vote.

There is a guy in real trouble, and you
might be the only one who can help him.

This is about saving
someone's soul.

He is a monster.
Monsters do not have souls.

Uh, have you ever seen
Monsters, Inc.?

- No.
- Damn it, Ron.

Engage in the culture
once in a while.

Jamm, get in here.

Good God, man.
What happened to you?

Tammy happened to him!

Remind you of anyone, Ron?

We need to put our issues aside
and defend this miserable person.

Jeremy, this
is a gold bar.

You keep that
in your desk?

I will give you this gold bar if you say
one unflattering thing about Tammy.

If I do...

does Tammy get
to keep the gold?

Oh, my God.

When it comes to Tammy, the code is
the same as that of the b*ttlefield:

First, you leave
no man behind.

Second, you must protect yourself
against chemical warfare.

Tammy does not abide
by the Geneva convention.

I made this Tammy
de-programming kit

in case I ever fell
victim to her again.

First, this is a chastity belt
that I made by hand.

It might be a couple sizes too big
for you, but you can just pad it.

The first step
is to cut out all sex.

That won't be necessary.
We haven't done the deed yet.

She lets me rub up
against her leg sometimes.

Well, all the more
reason to wear it.


She knows she has that
card left to play,

and you best
believe she will.

We're also gonna try
a Pavlovian technique.

Ron is holding
Tammy's perfume, Girth.

Oh.

Oh, smells good. Oh!

Again.

Tammy. Oh!

How many times
are we gonna do this?

Until the bottle is empty.
Again.

Twice.

Tam-- Ahh!

Ahh!

It's going well so far,
but it's too early to tell.

- Oh.
- He was pretty far gone.

Hopefully we get
a body in today,

so I can show you guys
the really fun part:

- Draining.
- Oh, God. I hate this so much.

Cool. Can I touch
a dead body?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, eager beaver.

That doesn't happen
for at least a year.

Why? How did you
become a mortician?

- Can't I just sign up?
- Oh, gosh, no.

You need two years of school
and a year-long apprenticeship.

First few years are mostly
paperwork and filing.

Ugh! Why is every job
just paperwork?

Hey, it's a living.

Yeah, I think we're
just gonna go, Dan.

Um, the reality of your life
is incredibly depressing.

I'm just gonna stay
at my current job

until I get old and die and then end
up here being embalmed by some weirdo

who had to go to school for three
years just to cut my guts open.

- Let's go.
- Oh, thank God.

Okay. Have a good one.

Okay, we're gonna
do some scenes

and demonstrate ways
that you can resist Tammy.

I will play Tammy.
Ron will play you.

Hey there, horsey.

Time to mount up and ride
on into Bonertown.

What do you say we get stanky
in that pet store bathroom?

- Huh, Jamm? Hmm? Huh? Huh?
- Do it.

- There will be no sex
today, Tammy. - Oh.

Instead, why don't you go into the pet
store and feed yourself to the snakes?

To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.

Hey, you big hunk
of wiener meat.

I've got 40 handtowels, some energy
bars, and a Chinese finger trap.

Let's get gross.

This gambit has failed.

To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.

- What are you wearing?
- It's a crotch-blinder of my own design.

In this scenario, she will be
coming at you pants-less.

Okay.

Doors are locked.
Window is secured.

There is no way
Tammy's getting in here.

Jamm. Strip down,
you sex maggot.

And hold!

What was your mistake?

You didn't check
the armoire.

Tammy once camped out in my attic
for six days awaiting my arrival.

She survived on rats
and rainwater.

Let's run it again!

I gotta say, hanging out with
Lucy's been so fun. She's the best.

And I love that
she's buying us stuff.

Dude, make your move.
Ask her out.

I don't know. She lives here.
How would it even work?

Life is about
taking risks.

Look at me, Tom.
I'm moving to Chicago.

It's just us right now.

Do you really think
you're moving here?

One double XL, one kid's XL.

- Hey, you remembered my size.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey, Lucy,
can I ask you something?

- Of course. What's up?
- I was wondering,

would you want to maybe...

come work for
me in Pawnee?

I have the company,
and it's growing so fast.

I can't do it all myself,
and I need a manager,

and you're a perfect
candidate.

Wow. Really?

That does sound
kind of awesome.

And it'd be super fun
to work with you.

I mean, I have to talk to my
boyfriend about it first, but...

Yeah, of course!

This is all perfect, and everything's
worked out just as I'd hoped.

Hey, this is why they
call it Beantown, huh?

Hey, Jere-bear.

What are you doing
with these two jabronis?

Tammy, I've given this
a lot of thought.

We should break up.

What's the matter,
little boy?

Did the bad people
get to you?

They just made me realize how
unhealthy this is, literally.

All the steak and whiskey--
I have to wear a diaper.

That's 'cause
you're my widdle baby.

We drilled you on this, Jamm.

Baby talk, what do you do?

I'm not a baby.
I'm a big boy!

Yeah, okay. That--
well, that wasn't terrible.

Don't listen to Leslie.
She's trying to manipulate you.

All she cares about is herself,
and I can prove it.

How's this, Leslie?

You leave us alone, and we
swing the vote to you?

Help you get your park.

No. Nice try.

Stay strong, Jeremy.

- It's over, Tammy.
- Tell you what.

It's been long enough.

What do you say we
consummate our relationship...

tonight?

Huh? Let's do it.

And the last
card is played.

- What are you doing?
- Shh! This is a library.

Do you see
what's happening here?

Ron, I need
that crotch-blinder.

No, you don't.
Just end it.

- Look at my boobs.
- No.

- Look downstairs.
- No.

There's a prize
inside for you.

- It's over, Tammy.
- What?

To hell with you, woman.
Good-bye.

How dare you?
Are you kidding me?

You'll be back!
They all come back!

Well done, Jeremy.

Turns out the crotch-blinder
was inside you all along.

Come on everybody,
who wants to get it on?

I'm naked!

Donna, what do I do?

If working around corpses isn't
even right for me, then nothing is.

I feel totally lost.

- Saturn's return.
- What?

Saturn's orbit around the sun
takes roughly 29 years,

and when it gets back to where
it was when you were born,

lots of turmoil,
self-discovery.

When I was your age, I got banned
from every riverboat in Germany.

Donna, April,
what are you up to?

Oh, you know, just regionally directing
the Midwest whatever of who cares.

Oh, isn't it great?

Can you believe that
they pay me for this?

Because I would
do this for free.

Aw, jeez!

I do miss you, Terry.

Let me get you
some napkins.

April, you looked
at one horrifying job.

I've got a few more ideas. We'll find
you something you like, okay?

Okay.

But you can't tell Leslie I might leave.
She'll have a heart att*ck. Promise?

I promise.

Why are you so into
helping me right now?

Because I'm finally
doing what I love,

and I know how hard it is
to get to that place.

And I want you to be happy
because you're my friend.

No, I'm not.
I've never cared for you.

Wait, wait.

You're behaving very strangely.

Saturn's return.

Hey, Brokemons.

I just wanted to let you know that I will
be abstaining from the vote today.

You are my two
all-time best friends,

and you brought me back from
the brink, so I can't choose sides.

Although if I had to pick one side,
it would be Lucy Liu's backside.

Without Jamm,
the vote's two-two.

This was all for nothing.

I thought it was very big of you to not
bend when Tammy promised you the vote.

Well, I thought it was very big
of you to help him at all.

You didn't have
to do that.

Okay, back to work to figure
out how to destroy you.

Same. Good bye.

Dude, thank you so much for this.
I really owe you one.

No, you don't. You're smart and qualified
and we're totally lucky to have you.

Okay, let's do this.

I still don't know what claiming
allowances means. I always put 6.

- So far so good.
- Dude, you are totally going to jail.

This couldn't have
worked out any better.

There was a guy eating lunch in here
who didn't finish his spaghetti.

Oh, also, Tom and Lucy are
totally going to fall in love!

Five second rule!
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