07x06 - Save JJ's

[bunniefuu]

In front of you are six different wedding cakes

from the top restaurants in Pawnee.

Sample each one, and rank your two top favorites

in the ballots provided.

Oh, boy. They're all so good.

I can't pick just two.

Well, then you leave, Terry.

And pay for the cake you already ate.

I like the vanilla one with the lemon cream.

That was a joke cake I got

from the grocery store to weed out low-quality palates.

Maybe it's because he's my fiance, and I love him,

but I kind of like the grocery store one, too.

There's actually one more cake you haven't tried yet.

Donna has chosen me to be the butler of honor at her wedding.

Now granted, butler of honor is a term I made up,

but it's not a job I take lightly.

That's why I'm about to give her a surprise bigger

than when LeBron went back to Miami.

Oh, my God. DJ Bluntz?

What is happening right now?

I think you know what's happening.

But--but for real, though. What--what's happening?

Treat yo' self.

♪ Treat yo' self 2017 ♪

Oh, my God, is this for real?

Oh, it's for real. Okay.

And it's the biggest one yet.

I-I still don't know what's happening.

So what's happening?

Treat yo' self.

Not an answer to my question.

Oh, my God, read the cake.

Still unclear. Terry, w-what's happening?

Treat yo' self!

♪ It's the best day of the year ♪

Roscoe, people in this town are very angry

about Gryzzl's data-mining program.

In your opinion, have you done anything wrong?

We did not believe that we did anything

to inv*de people's privacy, Trodd.

But then, we checked thousands of emails and texts

between our customers and their loved ones,

and it seemed like people thought we were wrong.

Gryzzl's currently trying to buy

an enormous parcel of land

to build a permanent headquarters in Pawnee.

How will you win back our trust?

We're going to be throwing a free concert

with U2 and Beyonce.

Tickets are already on your phones.

Seating is going to be organized by income and sexual history.

And that, I swear,

is the last time that we will be peeking inside your computers.

Wow. Gryzzl is scrambling.

And for the first time in this land battle,

they are vulnerable, and we are gonna capitalize

on it with something big and exciting.

I've got something big and exciting.

All we need is a blimp and a decoy blimp.

Okay, for what I hope is the last time,

but will assume is not the last time,

our strategy does not involve blimps.

We already have an idea. April?

Okay, our new proposal will ask them to split the land.

Gryzzl will take half for their campus,

and then donate the rest to National Parks.

It's not ideal,

but they may go for it because of how bad they screwed up.

I am not a spy,

and I would never reveal classified information.

Do you have to say that every time?

Yes.

But I know Gryzzl is dead-set on owning the entire parcel.

I'm not sure this plan will work.

Well, if it doesn't, something will.

Because when you and I team up, great things happen.

Ron and I had a little falling out,

but we are back, baby.

And just like Joey Fatone and Lance Bass,

we are totally in sync.

Come on.

Okay.

Just give me a...

Oh. We're in sync emotionally.

Stop patting my head.

Huh.

Looks like Newport Trust is making an announcement.

Last week, the Newport Trust told Gryzzl,

in no uncertain terms,

that we would not do business with a company

that invades our privacy.

Then, Gryzzl upped their offer to $125 million,

and I swear to God, y'all, I nearly fainted.

So we are officially jumping the g*n

and selling to Gryzzl for $125 million.

What?

Let me repeat that,

because it makes me very horny.

- $125 million! - Come on, Knope.

How about we go drown our sorrows in some waffles?

♪ Treat yo' self ♪ Hey, boss.

Before you go, can you sign some checks?

Do mine first. In case something happens to you

I want to make sure I get paid.

Looking out for number one.

Always smart.

So, how is post-breakup life?

Well, breakups are famously super fun

and make everyone feel awesome, so it's no different.

You should come to my wedding.

It's gonna be hella fun.

Yeah, you should come with me.

As like a...plus-one type thing.

Maybe we just go as, uh...

as work friends.

Maybe it's just even, you know, boss, employee type thing.

You know what? That's what you should do.

You should come to the wedding and--and--and do paperwork.

Stop, you're making this sound almost too fun.

Whatever. Just text me when you decide.

I literally couldn't care less, so...

Yeah.

Let's hit it, Donna.

Um, can we talk about that disastrous interaction

you just had with Lucy?

Nope. All we're talking about

is treating yo' self.

Today is about one thing:

Things.

Things, Donna.

Our favorite.

Well, where is Bluntz taking us?

This is not the way to the mall.

That's 'cause we're not going to the mall.

We're finally gonna do something we've always talked about.

No way.

Treat yo' self.

♪ In Beverly Hills! ♪

Aah!

All I wanted was 25 square miles of land

valued at $100 million

given to me for free.

Is that too much to ask?

I'll say it again:

voodoo is still an option.

No.

It's over. They won.

Everything is changing.

This town is going to be unrecognizable in ten years.

Even JJ's Diner is disappearing.

What can I get you guys?

However many waffles it takes to keep you in business.

I'm happy with some of the changes

that Pawnee has gone through.

I mean, the standard of living is up.

We have pressed juice bars and yoga studios and a pet hotel.

But I think the town is losing some of its charm.

And there's too much kale now.

One place asked me if I wanted kale in my milkshake.

My milkshake, you guys.

Even though I'm a firm believer in the free market,

and your failure as a businessman

is ultimately to blame,

it's still a travesty your diner is closing.

Well, I agree with you.

But the guy who bought the property

didn't even give me a chance to re-up the lease.

You can't win 'em all.

No.

Enough is enough.

They may have taken that land,

but I will be damned if they take my waffles.

JJ... Is something wrong?

No, nothing is ever wrong here.

That's why we are gonna fight hard to save your diner.

Now you said your new landlord

didn't give you a chance to counter.

Who is it?

It was a company with a weird-sounding name.

Hang on.

Was it Putin?

Voldermort Putin?

Of Russia?

I'd love to take that bastard down.

Here it is.

Thigh Gap, LLC.

Owner Dennis Feinstein.

The cologne guy?

Oh, it figures. That guy is the worst.

Okay.

We are gonna take him down with an old-fashioned public rally.

April, I need you to get the word out,

with whatever method of communication

young people are using these days.

Oh, yeah, tiny rolled-up scrolls

delivered by trained foxes.

I'm on it. Andy?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, hell yeah. Blimp time.

No.

I think this is a job for Jonathan Karate.

Awesome. Even better.

Ron? What do you say?

Dynamic duo get together one more time

to try to save JJ's Diner?

I can't think of anything more noble to go to w*r over

than bacon and eggs.

Here here.

Oh, well...

We'll keep practicing.

All right, everybody, listen up.

We're here today

because JJ's Diner has been a part of Pawnee for 41 years.

And this man right here built that diner from the ground up

with his own two hands.

That's not true.

It's called constructing a narrative, JJ.

You stick to the breakfast. I'll deal with the politics.

So, now, let's hear from a man

who knows the value of things staying the same.

Ron Swanson.

I do not like rallies.

And based on what I see from this vantage point,

I do not like most of you.

What I do like is breakfast food.

JJ's has very good breakfast food,

so it should remain open.

Please do not approach me on the street

after this event and attempt to talk to me.

Our similarities begin and end with this single issue.

Ron Swanson.

Can I help you?

Yes, we are here to see Dennis Feinstein.

The appointment should be under Karate.

Jonathan Karate.

Um, I don't see a Jonathan Karate anywhere.

Exactly.

Occasionally on my show, we deal with real issues

like bullying, peer pressure,

or holding in farts.

In those very special episodes, I become...

Jonathan Karate,

the very serious older brother of Johnny Karate.

Jonathan Karate tells it like it is.

He makes people do the right thing.

Oh, baby, that feels amazing.

But I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to go.

I have to meet Rick and TC at the King Kamehameha Club.

Higgins is missing.

Dennis Feinstein.

What? Who's that?

My name is Jonathan Karate.

We need to talk.

Well, make it quick.

I gotta go pull the plug on my dad in ten minutes.

I heard you were buying JJ's Diner and kicking everybody out.

That's true.

Real estate prices in this turd town are through the roof.

I'm gonna turn that place into an elbow art salon

and make a k*lling.

Plus, who's gonna miss some dumpy diner?

Why don't you ask the people gathering

outside of your building right now?

Hmm?

What do we want?

Breakfast!

When do we want it?

I had no idea this place was so loved.

This could be bad for business.

Then come with me.

Tell the people that JJ's can stay.

Okay.

Plus, you should get these kids out of here.

Not to brag,

but my cologne's have been known to stunt human growth, so...

Ninjas, scatter.

You got 'em well trained.

♪ Treat yo' self in Beverly Hills ♪

♪ Hey Hey Hey ♪

♪ What you got to say? ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, off to our right you can see the house

that belongs to Bruce Willis and Christina Aguilera.

And to our left is Usher's Los Angeles residence.

Usher's house!

Usher's star!

♪ Hollywood ♪

So for the basic elbow bedazzling, it's 140.

Custom art starts at 250.

I would like three big-ass diamonds

surrounded by their own set of tiny-ass diamonds.

That would fall under our supreme collection.

600.

Thomas, what do you suggest?

Uh... treat yo' self.

Trish, the gentleman is right.

I'm gonna go ahead and treat myself.

Lasik for fingernails? I came up with that.

You want it? It's 275.

Yeah.

Laser my nails off, please.

We can't bulldoze our entire history.

We need to preserve the things that make Pawnee great.

Like JJ's Diner.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stop the clock.

Oh, speak of the devil.

Ladies and gentlemen, the devil, Dennis Feinstein.

Whoa, hey, now.

Hang on.

Now, Leslie, I think everybody's gonna want to hear

what I have to say.

Thank you.

People of Pawnee,

I just came down here to tell you

how much I appreciate your passion.

You've been heard, loud and clear.

You convinced me.

JJ's can stay.

Yeah!

I just have one more thing to say, Pawnee.

Psych!

Do you think I care about how much you love this stupid diner?

I bought it for a song,

and I'm gonna sell it for a mint,

and you can all just sit there,

pulling on your puds.

Oh, yeah. Give me your boos.

I am nourished by your hatred!

I should also let you know

you're all trespassing on private property.

Release the hounds!

What hounds?

"The Hounds" as in FDA-rejected cologne

I've been working on

that makes everything smell like wet dog.

Make it rain!

Ooh.

I gotta go k*ll my dad. Let's go.

I'm sorry, JJ, that I gave you false hope.

This is a lost cause, just like my stupid park.

Screw that. There's gotta be another way.

What if we steal the keys to Feinstein's building,

break in, and TP his office?

Film the whole thing.

We'd definitely get on a prank show.

Okay, I love your energy, Andy,

but it's not gonna help us keep JJ's where it is.

Does it have to stay where it is?

There's like, a ton of buildings near where Andy and I live,

and they're all super cheap

because they're empty and disgusting.

Great. I'm in.

Anything to get away from this cologne smell.

Ooh, water makes it worse.

Water makes it worse.

♪ California knows how to party ♪

This is the hottest restaurant in L.A.

All the sushi is made from fish

previously owned by celebrities.

Okay.

This is Charlize Theron's yellowtail.

Here we have Paul Reiser's salmon.

And Peter Bogdanovich's saltwater eel.

Enjoy.

Mmm, Bogdano-delish.

Man, you got it bad.

I know you're checking your phone every five minutes

to see if Lucy will come with you to my wedding.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I understand.

Which is why I got you something.

Hey, you're not supposed to get me anything.

This is your special day.

I didn't buy you anything.

What I have for you is a piece of advice.

Aw, damn. I was secretly hoping

you got me the shoes Jaden Smith wears

in Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch.

My advice to you is,

if you want to be Lucy,

you have to be up front with her about it.

Be a man and ask her out.

She works for me.

She uprooted her whole life to move to Pawnee for this job.

I don't want to make it weird.

And what if she says no?

What if I'm the only one that caught feelings?

You won't know until you ask.

Basically, Tommy, when it comes to matters of the heart, I say:

Treat yo' self.

Thanks, Donna. That's a great gift.

I almost forgot.

I did get you them shoes from Hitch 2!

Oh, snap. That's an even better gift.

That's not all.

Look behind you, but don't be obvious.

Can I get the "me" soft-shell crab?

Josh Groban!

He's eating his own sushi!

That's the most baller thing I've ever seen.

Welcome to Beachview Terrace,

the sad, unsalvageable, broken-down armpit of Pawnee.

Yeah, we tried to clean up this neighborhood so many times.

Nothing's worked.

We sent a street cleaner through here a few months ago.

Raccoons ate the wheels right off it.

Councilman Dexhart represents this district,

and ten years ago when he was elected,

he promised to clean it up.

Instead, he just gave it a fancy new name:

Beachview Terrace.

A more accurate name for this place?

Medical Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.

Hi, sorry I'm late.

We've had this listing for seven years,

and no one's ever asked to see it.

I thought this was a prank call.

This place has everything.

Vermin, b*llet holes, a hornets nest.

Look, I appreciate everything that you guys have done for me,

but even if I put in the time and the money

to refurbish this trash heap,

it's not gonna change the fact that

no respectable people live in this part of town anymore.

Damn straight.

Everything would have to magically change.

The whole neighborhood would have to suddenly become safe

and clean and have businesses and people who dine out.

No, then we'd have to move again.

Are you thinking...

It's possible.

How would we...

PR. Which you could then--

Yes, right. Okay, good.

Guys, we have about five days to do three months worth of work.

But if we pull it off,

we can rescue JJ's Diner,

we can establish a new National Park,

and we can save Pawnee forever. Who's in?

I am.

Oh, my God.

Where'd you come from?

The floor hole.

Hey, how was your trip?

Great, obviously.

Bedazzled that elbow.

How's everything here?

Uneventful.

So, I was thinking about

the idea of going to Donna's wedding.

Wait. Before you say anything,

I don't think you should go to Donna's wedding

to supervise catering. Oh.

I want you to come with me as my date.

Oh. The thing is, you work for me,

so it's probably kind of uncool for me to even ask.

Which is why I signed these documents

transferring day-to-day operations of Tom's Bistro

over to Craig.

He'll be your boss now. Not me.

It's about time.

We're losing the cranberry salad, effective immediately.

You don't have to do this.

Yeah, I do.

You're great at your job,

and I want you working here forever,

and if you don't have feelings for me,

I need you to know that everything is gonna be fine.

In fact, forget it.

I wasn't even serious.

You've been hoaxed.

You've been Tommy'ed.

Just, hold on.

I was gonna say that

I wouldn't want to go with you as friends.

I want to go with you as your date.

Oh.

Cool.

Craig, never mind.

We can rip these papers up.

Well, I wish my reign had lasted longer,

but I'm happy with the decisions I made

and the people I fired.

Oh, God. I better get back there.

You guys, I don't know what this is about,

but it's 4:13, so you got seven minutes.

Well, we just wanted to introduce you to the new home

of the Gryzzl campus.

Are you tripping?

We just spent $125 million

to build our new campus in the Southern Indiana Foothills.

And you'll be spending another 100 million, at least,

to construct the building, roads, plumbing, electrical.

Whereas here at Beachview Terrace,

you can take over five entire square blocks

of historic Pawnee.

Here's a complete proposal

for Gryzzl's new regional corporate headquarters.

Is this paper?

Oh, super throwback.

My company inspected all the buildings.

They are disgusting, I grant you,

but the guts are solid.

We've laid out construction costs,

retail space options.

You could build a much bigger campus in this neighborhood,

and basically break even.

Plus, the best part, all the buildings come pre-graffitied.

That's true. We wouldn't have to hire Banksy.

Okay, but we spent hella skrilla on this trill forest,

so, what are we supposed to do with that?

Here's a far-out idea

that just came to the top of my branium:

why don't you donate that land to the National Parks Service?

That would be pretty dope.

And you could get some baller tax breaks

that could help you with that mad stank construction cost--

I don't know, I'm sorry. I can't...

I can't say those words. You don't have to.

Okay, but why couldn't we just build the campus here,

and then keep the land or sell it?

You could, but donating it will give you some good PR,

which you desperately need.

I mean, look, we are glad that you picked Pawnee,

but if you're gonna set up shop here,

you need to make a covenant with the city.

Show people that you're invested in this town.

Start by cleaning up one part of Pawnee

and preserving the other.

Okay, well, I gotta talk to my board,

as well as our chief legal counsel,

and our senior advisory team.

And--and truthfully,

they're all shrooming super hard at Coachella right now.

But as soon as they get back, I'll get into it.

We gotta go. I'm sorry, we got a meeting.

Uh, I'll catch you guys later.

I've got a meeting as well.

See you back at the house.

Andy has a meeting?

Upload it to my GryzzlGlass.

Left eye.

I'm watching p*rn with my right eye.

Whoa.

Who...did...this?

We did.

One way or another, Jonathan Karate always gets his man.

And like that,

they were gone.

Go!

Wait, where's-- hey, guys, where's Gavin?

Gav--wait, stop.

There were supposed to be six ninjas.

Where's Gavin? Gavin?

Who was Gavin's buddy? Caleb?

Come on, dude, why do we even have a buddy system?

Is he in the bathroom?

You need to tell me if Gavin is pooping.

No, do not laugh, okay?

You're not even Caleb.

You're Gavin. You're Caleb.

If you're Caleb, where's Hunter?

Hunter? Hunter?

Okay, who was Hunter's buddy?

Hmm?

Oh, I was.

Oh, crap.

Oh, Dennis, what a mess.

You have 30 seconds to get out of this facility.

I don't know, Ron.

I mean, it's been a week.

It might not work.

It'll work.

What if it doesn't?

What if we did all that research

and handed Gryzzl a fully-formed plan

to revitalize an entire neighborhood

and build a new National Park,

and their board still says no?

Then you'll be secure in the knowledge

that you gave it your best sh*t.

But I do really think they will go for it.

What makes you so confident?

A wise woman once told me that whenever you and I team up,

good things happen.

Also, they called three hours ago,

they approved the plan,

and asked me to begin drawings for the renovation.

You jerk.

You sat on that news and let me stew here for three hours?

- Yep. - You jerk!

We did it! You jerk!

- We did it! - Yep.

Congratulations!

- I do not aprove of this. - Don't care.