07x10 - The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical expl*si*n Show

[bunniefuu]

It's The Johnny Karate Super
Awesome Musical expl*si*n Show.

Now, to introduce your host,
Johnny Karate,

here is me, Perd Hapley!

Silence!

Welcome to the only show
that's all about learning,

music, animals, fireworks, water skis,
and above all, ice cream, pizza,

ninjas, getting stronger, sharks
versus bears, and above all...

karate!

Hiya!

Now, why don't you kids
help me sing The Welcome Song!

Let me just
grab my guitar.

Someone has
stolen my guitar.

This seems like a case
for Special Agent...

Burt Macklin.

I don't give a crap, Batman.
You work for me.

Increase the perimeter!

Macklin, the President's
called six times.

If we don't get that guitar back,
the peace in Iraq will be canceled.

Get off my back, Chief!
I'm doing the best I can.

I don't play by the rules.

But I get results.

Dang it! You're right again, Macklin.
And I'm sorry.

You're the best agent I've seen.
And I've worked with James Bond.

- This clue may help.
- Mm.

It was left
at the crime scene.

You're dismissed.

This case just keeps getting
deeper and deeper.

I'm drowning in the adult
end of the pool,

and the lifeguard's off
in the bathroom pooping.

That's-That's good writing.

Johnny Karate's guitar
has been stolen.

That instrument is worth
literally $900 million.

But more importantly, he can't
play The Good-bye Song without it.

So, by the time
this show is over,

I will find who stole it, and they
will pay the ultimate price.

A one-way ticket to the Funky
Monkey Dunk t*nk!

All that and more, on The Johnny Karate
Super Awesome Musical expl*si*n Show!

♪ It's time to punch boredom
in its stupid face ♪

♪ Jump, kick, punch, and jump ♪

♪ And drop-kick sadness
into outer space ♪

♪ Punch, kick till you drop ♪

♪ It's the Johnny Karate
Super Awesome ♪

♪ Musical expl*si*n Show ♪

So, karate masters, you are here

for an extra-awesome and super-special
episode of Johnny Karate.

And that is because
it's my final show.

Aw.

Don't look glum.

In a couple of weeks, I'll be
moving to Washington, D.C.

It's the capital
of the entire world.

They have things there
like this white house

and this mental
institution

and my very favorite,
the Lincoln Memorial.

It's this crazy statue
of this giant monster

sitting on a chair that represents
all of America's enemies.

I'll be moving to Washington, D.C., because
my wife, April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer,

has accepted
an amazing job there.

I'm very proud of her
and totally in love.

April, why don't you come on
out and talk to the children?

Take a bow for
being so cool.

Hey, Johnny!

So, since it's your final show,
I wanted to do

one last extra-special
April's Animal Corner.

That's right.

This week I brought
one of the scariest,

weirdest animals
in the whole world--

a goliath bird-eating tarantula.

Wow!

Ah!

Now, the name, "goliath"
means "giant."

And you can see that--

- Andy, where is it?
- What?

- Uh-oh.
- Where is it?

Don't look at me.
I don't know what happened.

I took it out to play
hide-and-seek.

I couldn't find it, and then--
Oh, that's what happened.

Okay, well, once again,
April's Animal Corner has

turned into one of our
favorite segments--

Loose Animal in the Studio.

Yay!

And as always, when we accidentally end
up doing Loose Animal in the Studio,

we have to show you
this disclaimer.

Boring!

Here's a disclaimer,
I didn't read this disclaimer.

Ooh, good point.

Okay. Done.

Okay, kids, so be on the lookout
for a-- What's it called?

A goliath bird-eating
tarantula,

known locally to Venezuelans
as "the devil's fist."

Bye, kids!

Okay, kids, well, we've got
a lot of work to do,

performing the Five Karate
Moves to Success.

Sing it with me!

♪ Today we're gonna
make something ♪

♪ Learn something ♪

♪ Karate chop something ♪

♪ And then we'll try
something new ♪

♪ Even if it's scary to you ♪

♪ And finally
we'll have some fun ♪

♪ Being nice to someone ♪

♪ Because that's
the Johnny Karate way ♪

Step one-- let's go
make something.

Hello, Carpenter Ron.

How are you doing?

My contract is very specific. I do
not have to answer that question.

This week I am making
a shadowbox frame,

which can be used to display
an object of great value.

This one is constructed
with American cherry wood.

Cherry, huh? Now, I have
just one question--

No, the wood does not taste
like cherry. You cannot eat it.

I was not going to eat it, Carpenter Ron.
I was going to lick it.

Always remember, kids,
when you find something new,

you must lick it
before you eat it.

That is incorrect
in a number of ways.

I sure have had some fun
making things with you, son.

Thank you for everything you've done
for the children of this area.

You're welcome, Carpenter Ron.

Hey, kids, this, to me,
seems like a...

♪ Hug moment ♪

You are mistaken.
Remove the graphic.

Well, kids, it's time for our
next "Karate Move to Success."

Let's learn something.

♪ ♪

Hello, Professor Smartbrain.

Hi, Johnny.

Uh, listen, I don't know
if you got my email,

but I thought that since this is our
final show, maybe we not use the--

Boring buzzer.

Okay, kids, today we're gonna
learn about geography.

Now, you, Johnny, are moving
to Washington, D.C.

I thought what we could talk
about is how fast

you could get there using
an airplane, a train, or a car.

Now, as you can see,
the airplane is the fastest.

Not the fastest.
What about teleporting?

Well, sure, that would be really
fun, but it's impossible.

Nothing is impossible, kids.

Teleportation is impossible.

It's about theoretical physics.

You know, you asked me
to do this. This was a favor--

Morning, Johnny.
Mail call.

Ya!

Hi, Mailman Barry.

Who brought me mail today?

Well, Johnny, you got
over 500 letters

from kids who love you, asking
for you and April to stay.

Aw, babe, did you hear that?

Now, Johnny, you also got
one very special letter.

It's from me.

And on the last day of your show,
I thought I could read it to you.

Aw.

"Dearest Andy, I have never
had a son of my own,

and I just want you to know
that for the past ten years"--

It's time to karate
chop something!

♪ ♪

Ninjas, att*ck!

Oh, jeez.

Disperse!

Remember, never att*ck
a real postal employee.

We're allowed
to att*ck Mailman Barry

because he volunteered to
help us with our karate moves.

I kind of thought I'd be holding a piece
of wood or something, but, you know...

always happy to help.

Next up, we're going to try something
new, with my good friend Leslie Knope.

♪ ♪

Hey, Johnny Karate, I'm so happy
to be here on your last show ever.

Hi, Leslie. I'm glad you're here
to teach us all how to be brave.

So, Leslie, what are you going
to be trying new this week?

I am going to be taking over
hosting my friend's TV show.

Huh?

Isn't that right, April?

That is right.

Johnny, you have
made so many kids

and so many parents so happy, that we
wanted to give you a proper send-off.

Andy Dwyer/Johnny Karate,

this is your life.

Oh, my gosh, Leslie,
this is amazing.

I don't know what to say...

literally, because normally I have
a script that I have to stick to, but...

I don't know what I'm
supposed to say right now.

- It's kind of a nightmare.
- Okay, you leave that to us, Johnny.

Uh, when we come back, we will take
a look at the journey of Andy Dwyer.

Stay tuned.

"Now listen to some words
from our sponsors,"

are the words I'm
saying right now.

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Or do not.
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End of commercial.

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have a saying--

"Only one who listens
hears the cry of the wolf."

That advice has been passed down
from generation to generation.

Today I give that
advice to you.

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at Wamapoke Casino.

Twice a day, one lucky visitor
will hit the mega-wolf jackpot.

And Coinsy will
howl for you!

The thing we return to now is my
Johnny Karate Show return message.

Welcome back. When
I first met the man

standing next to me, he was not
a cultural phenomenon.

"Phenomenon" means
"to explore a cave."

He was going through
a tough time.

He had just broken both legs
from falling into a pit.

I was super wasted.

- It's a kids' show, Andy.
- Yes, good call.

- Kids' show.
- Good call.

That event set in motion many
wonderful things in my life,

including the building
of the Pawnee Commons.

So, in a weird way, Andy,
I owe it all to you.

And now that the show is ending, I'm
gonna have to start all over again.

Hopefully there's a pit in Washington,
D.C., that I could fall into.

Andy pulled his life together,
and he got himself a job

at the shoe-shine
stand in City Hall.

He then became
a bureaucratic assistant.

- Hi, honey.
- Hey. Hi.

He was always enthusiastic.

But he also kept track of his
appointments by writing them on his arm.

Still do.

To commemorate that time
and to make sure

that you never miss
another appointment again,

we have brought you
a monogrammed day planner.

Guys... So sweet.

Thank you. Aw.

Oh, no. I lost it.

The day planner's gone.
I can't find it anywhere.

What?

Fitting, really.

From then, Andy went to England for
a few months to work for a nonprofit.

It was there that he befriended
the 14th Earl of Cornwall-upon-Thames,

Sir Edgar Covington.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God, Eddie,
this is amazing!

Andy, I am here in this
weird, flat place,

to name you a loyal and true karate
defender of the Queen's Realm.

Please get down
on one knee.

This honor is bestowed on those
who have shown great achievement

in fields of the arts, learning,
literature, and science.

Therefore,
I hereby dub thee

a knight of the Order
of the British Empire.

Hang on, can you
actually do this?

Well, technically, only the Queen
can knight somebody, but

I'm so rich that she
lets me do what I want.

- Would you like to be knighted?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, of course not.
It's Andy's day.

- Dude, I don't mind.
- Oh, then, yes, knight me, please.

Oh, my God, this is amazing!

Winter is coming
for Sir Ben Lightstorm.

- Okay, you're both knights.
- Cool.

Guys, this was
so much fun.

Friend, coworker, musician,
husband, Andy Dwyer--

Sir Andy Dwyer.

Sir Andy Dwyer had become so
many things to so many people.

But his greatest creation
was yet to come.

A salute to Johnny Karate
when we come back.

We know what you want-- healthy,
natural food that still tastes great.

And we're here to tell you...

It doesn't exist.

Healthy food is for suckers.

It tastes like garbage, and if you say
you like it, you're a chump and a liar.

Be honest. This is what
you want to eat...

It tastes amazing.

What's in it? Who cares? How
many calories? Shut up.

It's awesome.

One of Andy's greatest achievements was
the success of his band, Mouse Rat.

No one was doing
what we were doing.

Well, that's not really true.

I mean, we were basically playing
covers of Dave Matthews songs.

So I guess you could say Dave Matthews
was doing what we were doing.

Oh, to play in a band
like Mouse Rat

that brought such joy to so
many truly was a mitzvah.

I should mention
I'm a rabbi now.

For the full
rockumentary, go to

TheJohnnyKarateSuperAwesome
MusicalExplosion.com.

And now, back to the show.

♪ ♪

Every hero struggles
with failure,

faces something
they cannot do.

Andy faced one of those
moments just a few years ago.

And I would've chugged
that entire gallon of milk

had I not started puking
out of nowhere.

No, you did not achieve your dream
of becoming a Pawnee police officer.

Oh, right.

But you did create
Burt Macklin,

a character who exemplifies everything
that is great about law enforcement.

Take a look.

My name is
Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin.

♪

I don't know what
the problem is, Sergeant.

Just drain the ocean.

♪ ♪

Andy, on behalf of the entire
Pawnee Police Department,

I'd like to present you
with this genuine

- Pawnee police badge.
- Wow.

- It's ensconced forever in the shadowbox
we made earlier. - How about that?

No.

Son, we spent four
days making that.

This means so,
so much to me.

I'm a cop.

- I should get some handcuffs too.
Give me your cuffs, Randy. - No, no, no.

- Give me your cuffs.
- It's an honorary title only.

- Stand down, sir.
- Stop it! Quit!

Andy, now that you're
an official police officer...

He's not. I want to make
it clear--he's not.

You should be able to solve
the case of the missing guitar.

So grab your clue and head on
over to Professor Smartbrain.

Professor Smartbrain, this piece
of fabric was found at the scene.

Look at it under
your telescope.

Hmm.

It looks like there are
some tiny initials.

"J.C."?

President Jimmy Carter
stole my guitar?

But why?

I don't think it's Jimmy
Carter, buddy.

The champ is here!

Hi, kids, is everybody
having a great time?

I know I am!

John Cena in the house!
John Cena, you're my hero.

- Wait, you're Andy.
- Yeah, I'm Andy.

From the information I got, I just
assumed you'd be, like, ten years old.

- Thank you.
- Okay, great. Thank you.

Thank you so much, man,
for bringing martial arts

and music to all
the children--

Wait, wait, what are
you doing, man?

- Got you.
- Got me? Wait... What?

He got my cuffs. Wait.
What the hell is this?

John Cena, you're a great
inspiration, a true hero,

and this is the greatest
moment of my life.

- But you're going down.
- Going down? What are you--

- Whoa! Hey, stop--
- You stole Johnny Karate's guitar.

I didn't steal his guitar, man.
I'm just doing this as a favor.

- You're going in the dunk t*nk, bud.
- I don't want to go in the dunk t*nk.

- Shut up.
- Is anybody in charge?

A little help?

And now it's time to celebrate
Andy Dwyer's greatest creation--

Johnny Karate.

He has brought so much
happiness to so many children

in southern Indiana that we
thought a piece of Johnny Karate

should stay
here in Pawnee.

♪ ♪

♪ Everybody was
Kung Fu fighting ♪

Raise it up.

♪ Those kicks were
fast as lightning ♪

This is awesome.
Can you believe it, babe?

♪ In fact, it was
a little bit fritening ♪

That karate gi will
stay here forever.

Well, not here here,
because this studio

actually has a show where divorced
couples work out their problems.

So that might be weird if that thing was
hanging over them. But it'll be somewhere.

And the spirit will
stay with us forever.

Andy Dwyer's final good-bye
when we come back.

What powers us?

What gives us the tools
to attain our goals,

face our fears, take that
next step into the unknown?

It's energy.

Verizon, Exxon, and Chipotle
are proud to announce

a cross-platform merger
of our three great brands.

Whether it's extending your 6G coverage,
drilling natural gas out of shale,

or perfecting
the chicken quesadilla,

we will give you the energy
to get you to the next level.

And with enough energy,
America, nothing can stop us.

The all-new
Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon--

proud to be one of
America's 8 companies.

I'd like to begin by saying thank
you to anyone who has ever worked

on the Johnny Karate
Musical expl*si*n Show.

This has been the greatest
job I've ever had,

and today has been
the best day of my life.

And that's saying
something.

I once found a rock that looked
exactly like Santa Claus--

hat and everything, so...

Before I say good-bye, let's review
our checklist one last time.

We made something
with Carpenter Ron.

We learned something
with Professor Smartbrain.

We karate chopped something--

old Mailman Barry's face.

And we tried something new, even though
it was scary to us, with Leslie Knope.

That leaves just
one more thing,

the most important one.

Be nice to someone.

And I think I know right now
who needs it the most--

my wife,
April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer.

Honey, come on out here.

Come here.

Babe.

Hey, babe?

Wait!

Honey, where are you going?

Babe, hey, will you--

Hey, come here.

April, what's going on?

It's...

Every week, this show
is an amazing train wreck,

and you love doing it,
and you're the best host,

like, even better than my
all-time favorite host,

Tom Snyder, which is crazy.

And all those kids
love you, and

you're doing what
you're meant to do.

And I can't be the person that
makes you lose what you love.

Yeah, but you're what I love.

You're the only reason
I have any of this.

You believed in me,
and you supported me.

You make me happy...

happier than I ever
thought I could be.

Without you,
I wouldn't be anything.

You're what
keeps me going.

You're my
Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon.

As long as I'm with you,
I'm gonna be happy.

So we go to Washington, D.C.

And then we figure out the next cool
and awesome thing from there, okay?

Okay.

That was a very good
"Being Nice to Someone."

I did it.

I can go finish the show.

♪ Well it's time for us to go ♪

♪ But I want you all to know ♪

♪ That karate's
not about fighting ♪

♪ It's about knowing
who you are ♪

♪ And being kind and honest ♪

♪ While you're kicking
for the stars ♪

♪ Yeah, that's
the Johnny Karate way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Keep karate in your heart ♪

♪ And aspire to your dreams ♪

♪ And always remember ♪

♪ You're forever on my team ♪

♪ Yeah, that's
the Johnny Karate way ♪

Karate yell!

Hiya!

Good-bye, Pawnee.
I will miss you.

Guys? Guys?

Guys!

Tarantula.

Could somebody get me
out of here, please?

I'll help you, John Cena.

No--