07x11 - Two Funerals

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Hey, guys. Listen.

Uh, Leslie's gonna walk in and say
something that sounds very boring,

but is actually
a really big deal.

So when I give the signal,

just, everybody, cheer like crazy.
Here we go.

Well, someone just
officially enrolled

in the Senior Executive Service
Development Candidate Program

at the Department
of the Interior.

Surprise!

Thanks. It's a big deal.

So, my promotion is official.

We need to find
a place in D.C.

Because we're gonna
be splitting our time.

I guess now is as good a time
as any to make my announcement.

Joe and I just closed
on a house in Seattle.

Oh, my God. Cheers.

Well, actually, I have
an announcement, too.

After all these
years in government,

I have decided
to finally retire.

This is about people who are moving, Garry.
Not everything is about you.

Good point.
Everyone's scattering.

Well, look at it this way.

Bad news comes in threes, right?

We're leaving, April
and Andy are leaving,

Donna's leaving.
That's three!

Also, I'm retiring.

That's three, Garry.

Well, we're probably
due for some good news.

Good evening. I come to you
tonight with some good news.

Hey.

Is not a sentence I will be
saying to you right now.

Because, beloved Pawnee Mayor
Walter Gunderson

has d*ed.

Well, you jinxed us, Garry.
Thanks a lot.

Ripped By mstoll

Walter Gunderson
served Pawnee for 39 years.

And as per his final wish,
his body will lie in state,

in the city council
chambers for a day.

Which is just a real cool thing

for a public space.

Also, he sent us
a brief video message

to be played for this event.

Hello, Pawnee.

My time in office
has come to an end.

A lot has been done.

But I wasn't really
doing very much.

I wasn't paying attention
most of the time.

Fortunately, the citizens of Pawnee
didn't pay attention either.

So, uh, if there's
credit to take,

I will humbly take it.

And if there is blame,

it's your fault.

Thank you.

And goodbye forever.

Uh, okay. Well,
that was really something.

People are dying,
moving, retiring.

Too many endings,
not enough beginnings.

We need something to begin.

And I have just the thing.

An underground
dance competition.

I'm realizing I know nothing

about the logistics
of how to start

an underground
dance competition.

But someone here will.

Hey, April. Will you help
me out with something?

No. Apparently, as city manager,

I'm in charge of
appointing an interim mayor

until the special election.

So, why don't you
just appoint yourself?

You're basically
running the town anyway.

Well, I was a mayor once before.

We all remember how that went.

Oh, yeah, you completely disgraced
yourself and destroyed an entire town.

Yeah, I said we all remember.

Now will you help
me find someone?

It can be anyone
over the age of 30

who's a good symbolic
face for the town.

Fine, whatever,
I'll help you. Okay?

Thank you. I told
Garry he could help too.

What?

Oh, notarizing
a new mayor, that is...

Well, it's like the
ultimate notary adventure.

Oh, it's big.

Les-Legally Blonde.

Got you a little
gift in New York.

You did. What did you get me?
Ooh-la-la.

Men's Ferragamo loafers.

What am I supposed
to do with these?

Yeah, you're right,
I should probably keep 'em.

They're a size six and a half,
too small for you anyway.

How was your trip?
Amazing.

Lot of great meetings. Plus,
Lucy and I had the best time.

It's for real, Leslie.

We even went to a jewelry
store and looked at rings.

No.

Shia LaBeouf is one hell of a
jewelry designer, by the way.

The man's really
found his calling.

This is perfect.

What with everything ending,

you guys are the happy
beginning that we all need.

You should propose to her.
Right now. Here.

What better place to ask
a woman to marry you

than an old man's
public memorial?

Yeah. I think I'm
probably gonna wait.

Plus, Lucy's not in town. She's
in Philadelphia visiting friends.

She gets back tomorrow.
Yeah,

you'd probably want
her here for that, right?

All right.
I'm gonna find April.

I got her a really
nice Burberry necktie.

Gunderson was mayor
my entire life.

It really makes you consider
the postulence of time.

Sure.

Death is natural, Andrew.

We're born, we survive as long as
we're useful, and then we're k*lled,

either by our body's
natural decay

or by those
younger and stronger.

Speak for yourself.

Before I die, I'm freezing
my head like Ted Williams.

Wait a thousand years,
thaw it out,

slap it on a robot, Keep on ballin'.

Ron.

Carl.

Donna, Andy, this is Carl.

He owns the deli right next to
my barber Salvatore's shop.

It's terrible, isn't it?

First Salvatore and
now Mayor Gunderson.

What?

What happened?
Explain yourself.

Oh, Ron, you didn't hear?

Salvatore passed away yesterday.

No.
Jesus.

Oh, it can't be.

Was he k*lled by a younger,
stronger barber?

And now, here to say a few words

is Mayor Gunderson's longtime
friend and co-worker,

Ethel Beavers.

This is gonna be so sad. They
worked together for a long time.

I'll be brief.

Walter Gunderson and his
wife had an open marriage.

It kept him happy.

It kept his wife happy.

Hi, Evelyn.

And it definitely kept me happy.

What is happening?

Because for 46 wonderful years,

he spent night
after night exploring

every nook and cranny
of my body.

Grow up, you prudes.
We're all adults.

My only regret is that I never
told him how I really felt.

So, I'll say it now.

I loved that man,

and not just because
he was a dynamite lay.

Goodnight, you animal.

Tom. Listen to Ethel.

Mmm. No, it's too gross.

No. Listen to her message.

You can't wait to tell
someone how you feel.

Because if you wait, before
you know it... Boom!

Forty-six years later,
they're gone.

You're right.

We know we want to be together
forever, so why wait?

Exactly. And I will help you with
the proposal. What do you wanna do?

Off the top of my head, I guess,
my ideal proposal might be

a multi-platform
media experience.

An action movie,
with expl*sive graphics,

fast cars and a hero
with one mission,

to propose to his lady.

A hero named...

Tom Haverford.

Oh, yeah!
Yes!

Oh, um...

People grieve in different ways.

Listen, if you can't train 200
white doves in the next four hours

to spell out
"Lucy, will you marry me?",

then you have no business
calling yourself a pet store.

Why can't everyone
share our commitment to

the basic concept of
outrageous pageantry?

I don't know, Tom.
I really don't.

Oh, no.
What do you want, Leslie?

Hey, lan.

I need a gigantic
banner that says

"Congratulations, Lucy and Tom,"

and I need it by tomorrow.

No way. Impossible.

Over the past 15 years,

I have spent nearly a hundred thousand
dollars at your banner store.

I have ordered banners for every
personal and professional event

that I've ever organized.

My credit card company
called me about it,

not to question the charges,

but to sincerely ask me
if I was mentally stable.

See that Rolex Submariner
on your wrist, bro.

That's 'cause of Leslie.

You'll have the banner done.

Hey, Bobby.
Thanks for coming in.

Good to see you guys.
It's been a while.

How's Leslie?
Is she still, um...

Uh...

Oh.

What was that thing
we ran for, again?

City Councilor.

Well, all right.
If you say so.

I tell ya, it's so hard to
remember boring stuff like that.

Choosing to ignore
what you just said,

we need an interim mayor,

just for two months.

And given your family name
and how well-liked you are,

I thought you
might be interested.

What, mayor?
Yeah.

Man, that would be fun.

God, I don't think
I can do it, though.

Yeah, 'cause I'm getting
ready to go on a big trip.

To space.

That'll be really fun, too.

Everything in life is
always just so fun, right?

It really is.

See, this guy knows what's what.

Yeah.
Ooh, uh... What's that?

Hey, Ben, have you
ever been to space?

You should check it out.
Seriously.

I'm sure the Russian guys who built
the rocket would be cool with it.

Really?
Just one thing.

Do you have $600,000?

- That's what they need for the deposit.
- Oh.

Well, no. APRIL: I've
already been to space.

I was the second person
to walk on the moon.

Buzz Aldrin, nice to meet you.

Nice try.

That's the guy from Toy Story.

We're so sorry, Ron.

You guys were close?

I've seen Salvatore
the first Tuesday

of the month for
the past four decades.

Same exact thing every time.

I paid him $8.

I sat in the same chair, Salvatore
put the same cape over me.

And then he'd always ask me
about the same thing.

Nothing.

It was perfect.

I can't delay this forever.
Excuse me.

The three most important people

in a man's life

are his barber,

his butcher

and his lover.

I have lost one of those.

Here's a tenner, Sal.

As you know I don't
believe in tipping,

so I will collect my
change from your wife.

I had an appointment
with Salvatore

scheduled for Tuesday.

Look how raggedy my hair is.

What am I supposed to be,
some kind of rock star?

Okay, Tom, there's your mark,

you'll enter from the front.

Ted, are we rolling?

I think so.
I don't really know.

Just please be careful
with my store?

Okay!

Quiet on the set!

Action.

'Allo, would you
like to see some rings, Agent Haverford?

Why are you doing an accent?

I came up with
a backstory for my character.

She's married to
a French billionaire,

and she has a twin sister,

identical, and they keep...

Leslie, you have one line.

Well, I committed to the role!

'Allo.

Would you like to see
some gorgeous jewelry?

We have the most rare
diamonds in the world.

I'll take that one.

The most expensive one.

Not so fast,
Haver-fraud.

Oh. Zut alors!

Get him, boys.

Freeze.

Stunt double.

Tom. Action!

Go, my puppets.
Go, my puppets!

Fight. Fight, my puppets!

Rack focus.

Pan left. I don't know
what any of that means.

Just get the right...
Go under the...

My puppets!

Oh, that's it.

Oh, you want the big dog?

Is that what you want?
You want the big dog? Ahhh!

Lucy, your mission, should
you choose to accept it is,

to marry me.

And cut. Oh, my gosh.

Tom, that was amazing!

No, it wasn't. You just
destroyed my case.

Hey. It's the movie
business, Ted.

You knew the risks.

Okay, everybody in the van.

We're headed to
the next location.

You should
totally do it.

You'd be an amazing mayor.

Actually,
you should be President.

Of the universe.

Oh.

You know, I really would
make an incredible mayor.

But sadly, I cannot.

Because I'm only 27 years old.

Really? So, you were
born in the 1990s?

Ooh!
Mmm-hmm.

What a lovely offer,
but I think not.

You know, I've got my hands
full with my practice,

my other businesses,
my two terrible children.

I don't think I have
time to be mayor.

Hold up.
I will do John Mayer,

again.

Daddy, someone set
a fire in your car

because you took
too long and I got bored.

Money, please.

Oh, no. No, there's no money.
Oh.

My bad, no problem.

Oh, okay.
That's fine.

Um, I'll just destroy this office.

Whoa! Hey!

Money, please!
Money, please.

I...

Ben. Give her some money.
It's easier.

I have to say, The Douche,

I'm skeptical that
your interest is sincere.

I can understand that. A morning
shock-jock DJ the Mayor?

But keep an open mind.

I went to Northwestern.

I've worked on two
political campaigns,

and I spend all of my time

communicating with the public.

That's actually a good point.

I could do some great
things for this city.

And some gross things with
those juicy City Hall interns.

Ah-guh-guh-goink!

Okay. Well.

Thanks for coming in.

All right, "B". Let me know.
Yeah.

Ah.

Well, I think
we have our answer.

Oh, come on. Think.

There's got to be someone.

Okay. Ben.

You know that I despise you,

and that I want you and all people
on Earth to be miserable. Right?

Sure.

You should be mayor.

You're the best person for
the job and you deserve it.

Plus, this would erase Ice Town.

It's been torturing you
since you were 18 years old.

And if you became
Mayor of Pawnee,

you could put it behind
you, once and for all.

Ugh.

Being nice made
me feel terrible.

My oral office.

What?

I'm gonna turn
the mayoral office

into my oral office. Boom!

Thought of it a second ago,
had to pop back in.

"Had to"?
Had to.

Buck up, Swanson.

It's like you said,
death is natural.

And Sal lived a good, long life.

But so much is changing,

and I've never
been a fan of change.

Salvatore was
a constant in my life.

In my experience, the only
"constant" is change.

Oh...

Nice to see you, Ron.

I couldn't help but overhear.

I sure am sorry about your loss.

Every time we lose a compadre,

our collective lantern
gets a little bit dimmer.

Hey, you look awful familiar.
Have we met before?

I'm sure our souls have collided

in one lifetime or another.

No, that's not it. Are you
in my Frisbee golf league?

Oh, yeah.

I play for the Super Spinners.

Oh. I'm on the Frisbee Champs.
Ah, cool.

I named us.

Andrew, stop speaking
to this man.

He is the worst
human being on Earth.

Oh, come on.

Death makes brothers of us all.

I've always found that
when my soul

aches with loss,

it's best to turn
to Eastern wisdom.

This is from the Isle
of Islay in Scotland.

This is as eastern
as my wisdom gets.

Swanson, this handsome

spiritual cowboy

may actually be right
about turning to the east.

I have an idea.

Trust me?

Who cuts your hair?
Nobody.

Whenever my hair feels

it has completed its journey,

it simply sheds itself off.

I hate you so much.

And I love you, my brother.

I'm really glad
you were here to help me

with all this today.

You've always been there for me,

and I guess what
I'm trying to say is,

you're pretty cool.
I'm cool? I'm cool.

I'm a cool dudette.

Hey. It's pizza time.

And you've lost it.
No.

Hey, there's Lucy.

Hey, babe.

We're calling this off.
It's all wrong.

Oh, no! Really?

Is it because I said,
"It's pizza time"?

No, but that
definitely didn't help.

What's happening?

Grab Jean-Ralphio,

and get these three things.

And meet me at the Snakehole
Lounge in 30 minutes.

I have no idea what's happening,

and I'm very scared that
everything is falling apart.

But you seem like
James Bond right now.

Go!
Yes.

Tommy "T", we got you everything
you asked for.

I didn't ask for
flavored condoms.

Oh, no, no, that's just me
looking out for you.

See, girls get mad
horny when you propose.

That's why I do it all the time.

Okay, what are we doing?

There are hundreds
of people waiting for us.

No time to explain, Les, but
don't worry, I have a plan.

Fine. I will leave.

Good luck.

You wanna stay and hide
and watch the proposal?

Yes. Yes, of course!

Okay, I already picked a place.

Don't follow me!

But I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

I can't believe I'm
about to be the mayor.

I can't believe
I'm about to notarize it.

Okay. So, look,
just sign right there

and then we can let
the notary fireworks begin!

No. I don't wanna do this.

Why?

I spent so long trying to
forget about Ice Town,

but it's part of my life.

It set me on this path.

It led me to Pawnee,
to my job, to Leslie.

Who knows where
I'd be without it.

I like that Ice Town happened.

And I don't wanna erase it.

Okay. I wasn't listening
to anything you just said,

but who is gonna be the mayor

for the next two months then?

Garry Gergich.

How would you like to be the
next mayor of Pawnee, Indiana?

No!

What is all this?

The Snakehole Lounge
is where we first met.

On our first date, I gave you

a single daisy, like this.

And after that we ate late
night pancakes at J.J.'s.

And while we were there,

I pulled out a deck of cards,

and I tried to
show you a magic trick

I learned on
a David Blaine special.

Unsurprisingly, I failed,
and you made fun of me,

ruthlessly.

I haven't done
this trick in a while,

but I think I'm ready
to try it again.

Pick a card.

No, no, no. Go a little
bit over to the left.

There you go.

Yes!
Really?

Yes.
Yay!

Oh, my God.
That was so sweet.

It really was.

So, what's your story again?

I mean, how married are you?
Are you down to clown?

You in that rude mood?

Why are you like this?
Pills, baby!

Donna, this is crazy.

Typhoon is an artist
and the human head is...

Is his canvas.

Just listen. You're gonna
cut the man's hair,

you're gonna charge him $8.

It will take you four minutes.

So just shut up and make
the man look like this.

Fine.

Ugh.

So, Typhoon,

what do you like to do for fun?

I'm writing an electronic opera

about Brittany Murphy,

and I do the chandelier
design for my friend's

drag puppet show.

No further questions.

All I really want
to do is dance.

Except lately, all the
good warehouse raves

are filled with Euro trash.

Euro trash.
I like that.

It is, indeed,
a garbage continent.

Yes. Oh, my God,

I had the worst time
in Berlin last May.

Everyone was on
their stupid bikes.

I was like, "Ew".

Please, talk more about

how you hate
Europe and bicycles.

Sorry about the audible.

I just realized Lucy doesn't care
about all that flashy stuff.

That's not the way to her heart.

Frankly, I'm stunned
she's still even into me.

No. You were right
to change course.

It was perfect and beautiful.

There's still
a very big celebration

awaiting you and your fianc?e.

I think Lucy probably wants
to hang, just the two of us.

I'll see you later,
Jennifer Knope-ez.

Catch you on the flipside,
Tom-egranate Juice.

Hey, not bad.

Hey, babe.

Tom got engaged.

Oh, that's awesome.

More good news, I finally
found someone to be mayor.

Garry.

Ugh.
I'm so glad we're leaving.

Wait. You know what?

I just had an amazing idea.

Just under the wire.

Oh, Ian, thank you so much.
It's great.

Now, throw it out.
I need a new one,

and I need it in 20 minutes.

Look. If you didn't wanna be
on call 24/7 for emergencies,

then you should not
have gone into

the high-stakes
world of banner making!

What the hell is all this about?

You'll see.

Well, I got to say,

that was a heck of a lot of fun.

All my life

What on Earth?

I prayed for someone like you

Happy Inauguration Day, buddy.

Aw, jeez. Leslie...

I thank God

That I

That I finally found you

All my life,
I pray for someone like you

And I hope that you
feel the same way, too

Yes, I pray that you

The passing
of our beloved

Mayor Gunderson
marks the end of an era.

But we are about to begin

a new chapter
in Pawnee's history.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the new mayor

of the great city
of Pawnee, Indiana,

Garry Gergich!

I just wanna say...

And I hope that you
feel the same way, too

I'm flying!

Yes, I pray that
you do love me too