07x12 & 07x13 - One Last Ride Part 1 & 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Parks and Recreation". Series aired April 9, 2009 to February 24, 2015.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Public officials in an Indiana town pursue a series of projects to make their city a better town.
Post Reply

07x12 & 07x13 - One Last Ride Part 1 & 2

Post by bunniefuu »

Can't believe you got everyone
to show up this early.

Well, today is the last day
we'll all be together.

I need to savor every
moment we have left.

I brought comfort food,
scrapbooks, and tissues.

Good lord.

Well, today should be perfect.

And any perfect day involves
crying uncontrollably.

...Which brings us to 2005.

The Circle Park
renovation was complete,

and a young man named
Thomas Haverford

was still two years away
from getting hired.

Perhaps we could skip ahead
and just hit the highlights?

I mean, I planned
a comprehensive retrospective,

but I guess I can just focus on
the really important moments.

Ah! The debate about getting
a pod-based coffee machine.

Garry and I wrote a little
musical number about that,

and it goes a little
something like thi--

Can't we just quickly
shake hands,

pretend we liked each other,
and get out of here?

I'm all for that.

No, April, Ron.

We need to celebrate
everything

that we've done
together as a group.

This is our last day here.

Who knows when we'll all be
together like this again?

Excuse me. Hi.

There's a swing in a
park near my house

that's been broken for
about three months.

Is it possible to
get that fixed?

"Anything is possible
if you follow your dreams."

Johnny Karate.

Except getting
a swing fixed.

None of us actually
work here anymore.

Come back in two hours
when the office is open.

- Thank you.
- Wait.

Actually, sir, we can help.

We can and we will, because
when we used to work here,

helping people was our job.

Forget about these
old stories.

Let's make a new one.
Let's fix a swing.

One last ride for the
Parks and Rec g*ng.

Who's in?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

The vote was four to three

Donna said to
get rid of me

But Ron was suspicious 'cause
my coffee was delicious

Come on, Garry.
You're the mayor now.

Have some dignity.

Okay. So, first things first.

Ben, I need you to cancel

that 11:00 a.m. flight
to Washington, D.C.,

'cause we have too
much work here.

Yep. I figured something
like this would happen,

so I booked us a
backup flight at 6:00.

I love you. You're perfect.
You get me.

I'm so glad I am
married to you.

I cannot wait to
fix that swing

so we can get your little butt
right into it.

I know it's weird. Whatever.
It motivates me.

Okay. So, what is
our next move?

What do we do on the quest
to help this man?

Anyone remember?

Yes. A parks and recreation
equipment requisition form.

Correct. Five points
for Hufflepuff.

Well, everything's
paperless now,

and none of us has a login,
so can't access the computers.

Hang on. I have
one right here...

Thanks to Leslie's scrapbook
"Thanks Form the Memories!"

Ah! I knew those scrapbooks
were gonna come in handy.

You came through,
like you always do.

God, I'm gonna miss you.

Your confidence,
your joie de vivre.

That crazy story about you
getting kicked out of En Vogue.

Technically, I
kicked them out.

When do you leave for Seattle?

As soon as I get my local
real-estate license.

I'm married to a teacher,
and I love the man,

but I also love
diamond watches.

Well, whatever happens,

I know that you're gonna live
an exciting and full life.

3,400 square feet, a beautiful
view of Puget Sound,

and if you look
out this window,

you can watch them build
the new Space Haystack

- around the Space Needle.
- Wow!

I-I can hardly see
the needle anymore.

I know. It's kind
of the point.

So, what are we thinking?

Wow!

It sold in two hours?

You cannot b*at the Seattle
real-estate market.

I think it's all that coffee
and legal marijuana.

Has people wanting to buy houses
quickly and irrationally.

- Mm.
- But the giant commission check

- has me thinking about...
- Mm-hmm?

Donna-Joe adventure quest.

Ooh! Where are we going?

Well, it can't b*at last year.

I mean, Middle Korea
was so beautiful.

Here's my idea --

The Amazon.

- Oh!
- Three weeks,

the best and most expensive places
South America has to offer.

I love it.

Honestly, with the
way work is going,

I just need this right now.

The school cut
the math club...

And math.

They just don't
teach math anymore.

Aw. My poor little
do-gooder teacher baby.

Why don't we cuddle up on
the couch, watch a movie,

and then maybe later, I'll
wear that little red thing?

Yes. The red thing.

Here, let me get this.

Call Satan's niece.

Hey. What do you want?

And this is me deejaying
a boat party in Venezuela.

Kind of reminded me of the two
weeks you and I spent there.

Oh, yeah. That happened.

- Yeah, it did.
- April!

What are you doing here?

Babe, have a seat.

What's going on?

Recently, I was thinking
for the millionth time

how lucky I am to
have found you,

so I've decided to
treat yo' self.

Are you gonna buy me a bunch
of leather handbags?

Donna is going to take
some of the money

you usually use on your trips

and establish an
education program

through the foundation
I work for.

It's called "Teach Yo' Self",

and you and the other
teachers will get money

for afterschool programs...

For music, art, math,
whatever you want.

Baby, this is really
generous, but...

I love our trips.

And honestly, it's your money.

You should spend
it how you want.

This is what I want.

I've had a lot of adventures.

I single-handedly started that
door-knockers earring trend.

I came in ninth in
"Italy's Got Talent."

- Yeah.
- I served on a NASCAR pit crew.

I want a new kind of
adventure, and...

I want to take it with you.

Okay. I have a feeling it's
time for me to get out of here.

Ahh.

What is this mess?

Why are you all in my office?

I am calm.

I am grateful. I am Craig.

We are on one last mission
to help the people of Pawnee.

Craig, can you sign
the requisition form

and speed things up?

You know, Craig, when
I first met you,

I thought, "There is a man
who loves his job."

And then I thought, "Oh, wow.
He's intense."

And then I thought,
"Oh, no. He's insane."

"That person is psychotic, and
I need to call the police."

Yeah. That's usually
the way it goes.

But I just think
you've come so far,

and I'm so glad that we are
leaving the parks department

in your hands.

Funny, though it's true

Those silly things you do

They only bring
me closer to you

My name is Craig Middlebrooks.

I'm the part-time sommelier
here at Tom's Bistro.

And I'm a very good singer!

Nice crooning, buddy.

The gentleman over
by the bar there

sent you over this
glass of wine...

And his business card.

Okay. So...

Okay. Fine.

We are gathered here today
to join Craig Middlebrooks

and Typhoon Montalban
in holy matrimony.

I don't know about this.
I'm very scared.

Oh, just relax, you
nervous Nellie.

You're right.
We love each other.

And the tax break
is substantial.

Will the best man please
present the rings?

Good luck, you two.

Typhoon, my love,
happy anniversary.

Do you have any regrets?

Not one. Not a single one.

Do you have any regrets?

Are you kidding? Thousands!

Most recently, this trout!

Okay. April and Andy,
I need to file this.

Would anyone like to accompany
me to the fourth floor?

- One last journey to the weirdest
place on earth? Yes. - Shotgun!

W-we're just taking
the elevator.

I get to push the buttons!
I called it!

Oh. He called it.

Yeah, I know. I heard.

Ethel Beavers! We need
this filed, please.

We've gone digital.

Get with the times,
you Luddite.

Man, of all the
places in Pawnee,

I'm gonna miss the
fourth floor the most --

The disturbing murals...

The ominous lighting...

The creepy people.

Hi, April.

I'm gonna miss the
food in Pawnee --

Taco Bell-KFC, Pizza Hut.

And most of all, I'm
gonna miss you, Leslie.

Ah. Andy, all of those
things, including me,

will still be with
you in Washington.

That is a beautiful sentiment.

It...

I just want to say
that we are about

to embark on an
amazing adventure.

And whatever happens,

just know that Ben and I
are always there for you.

Mm.

Agent Macklin, I need you.

Some thieves are
trying to steal

the legendary
Snakehole Sapphire.

What the... no!

That sapphire has the power

to activate the
Cuban m*ssile Crisis!

Ms. Snakehole...

Listen to me very carefully.

You are in grave danger.

In order to survive,

you must do everything
I tell you.

Damn it, Macklin!

I love it when
you take charge!

I must have you.

I know it's against protocol,

but make love to me, you fool!

You animal!

Wait. Seriously? I --

'cause I will go
do that right now.

Okay. Rain check
that, all right?

They're here.

Trick or treat!

Whoa! Look at them!

Here you are, you
little monsters!

I love this.

You guys are the best.

My love, we have to go.

Just put all the candy
in a bowl or something.

What's wrong?

Did you eat all the candy?

- No!
- Did you?

Yes. But that's
not what's wrong.

It's just seeing all
those kids out there.

Babe...

I want to put a
babe in you, babe.

Andy, you know where
I stand on this.

Yes, I would love all
the awesome stuff

my body would go through.

I mean, if all it
meant was puking

and getting weird stretch
marks and veins everywhere,

then sign me up.

But at the end, we've brought
a child into the world.

- That's disgusting.
- No.

They wipe all of the disgusting
stuff off of it immediately.

I want a little April...

Or even a little...

Boy April.

I know.

I just...

Can't wrap my head around it.

We're gonna be
late for dinner.

Okay. Let's go.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Always nice to see
Janet Snakehole and Burt Macklin

in the mix.

What are you guys dressed as?

Oh, I'm Sandra Dee...
O'Connor.

Get it? Sandra Dee
plus Sandra Day O'Connor?

Who's Sandra Dee?

Who's Sandra Day O'Connor?

Forget it.

And I am the Lamplighter,

a character from my
new board-game sequel

"Cones of Dunshire:
Winds of Tremorrah."

Gameplay Magazine called it
"punishingly intricate."

Wow, Ben.
That is so cool.

That is, like, such a cool
thing to dress up as.

You know, April, I know you
think "Cones" is lame,

but if you play just once,

I promise you that
you would love it.

All right. Let's play.

- Really?
- No.

Hey, where
are the kids at?

I want to say hi and wrestle
all three of them at once.

Oh, they're trick-or-treating in
Georgetown with some friends.

It's just us
grown-ups tonight.

No kids at all.

Hey, Andy.

Why don't you give me
a hand in the kitchen?

So... what do you
need a hand with?

Oh, no.

I just thought you
might want to talk.

Whoa!

Dude, that's really slick.

Ha! Oh, man.

That's some secret-agent
stuff right there.

So, April's still
on the fence about kids, huh?

Yeah.

And I'm freaking out, man.

I want kids so bad.

You know, yesterday
I was at the park,

and I saw this group
of 8-year-olds laughing,

playing, having a good time.

I almost started crying.

Granted, I'd just face-planted
on my rollerblades.

That's what they
were laughing at.

Sure.

It was emotional.

You know April.

She has to come to
it in her own time.

She'll get there.

What if she doesn't?

Take one of our kids.

We don't need all three.

Oh, my God, Ben. Thank you.

Oh. No, no. I was kidding.

Oh, yeah.

All right. Go ahead.

What?

You're gonna lecture me about how
Andy and I should have kids.

You're gonna be like,
"They're so great.

"They change your life.

"And, yes, they
drive you nuts,

"but it's all worth it
for the beauty and the majesty

"and the glory of their
little faces in the morning

and blah, blah,
blah, and bark."

You know why it's so unfair?

Because you guys got so lucky.

You had sex one time,
and you had three kids,

and they're all, like, smart
and great and healthy.

- You think that's the only time
we had sex? - Yes!

And now your lives
are perfect,

but our life is pretty
perfect already.

And you know what?

Kids act the opposite
of their parents,

so that's why your
kids are so cool.

But Andy and I are
cool already,

so our kids will be, like,
really lame and weird.

I'm sorry. I just don't
know what to do.

Please tell me what to do.
What do I do?

It's not about trying
to make your life perfect.

Nobody's lives are perfect.

You have kids because you
and Andy are a team,

and you want to bring
in some new team members.

So you think we should?

I don't know if you
should have kids.

I really don't.

But I do like your team.

All right, Ms. Ludgate.
We're getting close.

Babe, you look more
beautiful right now

than I have ever seen you.

Wow.

Just your luck that you're
going into labor on Halloween.

Can I get a warm towel
to get that makeup off?

No! I want it on!

That's the whole point.

I put the makeup
on after I went into labor.

Whatever blows your skirt up.

Okay. You ready to push?

- Wait. No. Babe, my birth mix.
- Oh.

He did the mash

He did the monster mash.
Here comes a contraction.

Are you ready?

Okay, I'm ready.
Let's do this.

It was a graveyard smash.

He did the mash

It caught on in a flash.

He did the mash

He did the monster mash.

From my laboratory in
the castle east...

Burt Macklin Jr.?

Mm. We need a Halloween angle.

How about Demon Spawn
Baby Satan Dwyer?

Oh, I like that. Yeah.

Or, uh...

Maybe Burt Snakehole
Ludgate...

Karate Dracula Macklin Demon
Jack-o'-Lantern Dwyer?

We call him Jack for short?

What a beautiful baby.

His name is Jack.

Strong name.

Listen, when you get a chance,

would you sign these
documents for me?

I'll be back.

Oh. Hey. Hold on a second.

Dr. S.

- Yes?
- Hey. Um...

It says on
here that the baby

- was born November 1st, 12:06 a.m.
- Mm-hmm.

I was wondering if you
could change that

to 11:59 on Halloween?

No can do.

I'm a doctor.

I have certain ethical
responsibilities.

Yeah, yeah. I-I get it.

It's just that Halloween
is very important to my wife.

So could you please
just mark down

that the baby was
born on Halloween?

I'll give you a good
review on Yelp.

I can't.

Doctor.

Listen to me very carefully.

I don't know who you
are or what you want,

but I have a particular
set of skills...

Skills that I have acquired
over a very long career...

Skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you.

Is that the monologue
from "Taken"?

My son was born on Halloween.

Do you understand?

Yes, I do.

That's awesome. Thank you.

- Yeah. Congratulations.
- Yeah.

Hey! Ho! Oh.

Hi. Oh, I want to scream.

But I don't want to
wake up my godchild.

I'm assuming it's my godchild, right?
We can talk about it later.

Congrats, guys.

I know it came
unexpectedly early,

but pretty cool he
was born in Pawnee.

Where do I put these?

I have so many
presents, it's weird.

Yes!

Oh, for the baby?

Just put them over there.

What's his name?

Jack.

Ahh!

That's good.

Welcome to the
team, little guy.

Take this down to maintenance.

I know just where
to take it, Ethel,

and I know just the person
who should accompany me.

I'm a little busy right now.

Not you, Kyle.

How many times did you and I

deliver a form to maintenance
just like this?

Ah! So many great
conversations,

bonding and mentoring moments.

It seems only right that we make
this journey one final time.

What was that, booboo?

Nothing.

Ohhhhh!

Tommy T. And sexy
Leslie Knope!

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

What are you two
bad larrys up to?

Well, this is our
last day in Pawnee,

and we have one last
problem to fix.

Hold up.

You're leaving? For truth?

I am gonna miss you so much.

What's going on?

You're not injured?

Uh, yeah. I'm injured.

I got a terminal case

of "Get me to the front
of the line at Six Flags."

Shalbush!

It's a winter wonderland!

I'm gonna be so sad

to see you go

because I finagled my way
onto your family phone plan,

and when you leave,
that all goes away for me.

Jean-Ralphio --

Hush, child, for one second.

Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush.

Will you do me one
final kindness?

Will you pretend to be my wife
for an insurance scam?

But then we fall
in love for real!

Also, can I have a pair
of your gym socks?

No, wait. It's not
for anything weird.

It's just a fetish I have.

- Jean-Ralphio...
- Yeah?

Although I truly hope
that I never see you again,

I do wish you a long
and happy life.

Today, we say goodbye
to Jean-Ralphio Saperstein.

As per his last
will and testament,

we will now listen to
his favorite song,

"Bend Over" by Lil Jon,
featuring Tyga.

Bend over, make your knees
touch your elbows

Bend over, make your knees
touch your elbows

Ooh! Okay, okay.

They bought it.
They bought it.

Do you have the
insurance money?

No doubt, no doubt.
Let's hit it, bro.

Time to start a casino in...

Tajikistan

A-a-a-n

Tajikistan

Talking about Tajikistan
Stan!

This is the best idea
you've ever had.

No, no, no.
This is God's idea.

I'm just the vessel.

When you sneak out of here,
do not be suspicious, okay?

- Don't -- don't be suspicious.
- No.

Don't, don't be suspicious

Don't, don't be suspicious

Don't, don't be suspicious

Don't, don't be suspicious

Don't, don't be suspicious

Don't be suspicious

Don't be suspicious

Don't be suspicious

Don't be suspicious

Don't be suspicious

Don't be suspicious

Jean-Ralphio?

God! Tajikistan is off!

- Go, go, go, go!
- The rabbi!

Tajikistan is off!

Tajikistan is off!

So, Tom and I, uh,
have a swing to fix.

Let's go.

Leslie...

I've always loved you.

I know.

There's my bestie.

Hey, Jamm.

I'm glad I'm catching
you before you jet.

Got a little parting
gift for you.

Horrifying.

Yeah, Yoko had a
real k*ller bod.

Just like you.

Gonna miss you, Les.

You know, in a way, I'm
gonna miss you, too, Jamm.

Good luck with...

Whatever you decide to do.

Huh-ho!

Oh! Huh! Hai!

Huh!

He-e-e-e-y!

Arigato. Arigato. Arigato.

Daytona Beach.

Hey.

Be good.

Okay.

Ah, man!

I forgot that maintenance
was closed on Fridays.

What would our last ride be

without one more
bureaucratic snafu?

Don't worry, booboo.

Tommy will solve this
problem, no sweat.

Can I just say, Tom, you
have accomplished so much?

You have come so far.

Now you're so successful.

Don't forget well dressed.

Yes. And well dressed.

I am so very proud of you.

Thanks, Leslie.

I'm proud of me, too.

Nice crooning, buddy.

Uh, the gentleman
by the bar there

sent you over this
glass of wine...

And his business card.

Okay. So, as you all
know, Tom's Bistro

has been presented with a huge
expansion opportunity.

I don't want to
make a decision

until I hear from my
senior advisory board.

So is this a good idea?

Accounting nerd.

I'm a congressman, Tom.

Can you at least call me Ben?

No can do, accounting nerd.

We all knew you before
you were a big sh*t.

Let's keep the whining
to a minimum.

Well, there are
always gonna be risks

when you open new restaurants,
but you've done your homework.

All the numbers line up.

Side note -- I would again
strongly recommend

adding calzones to the menu.

Hey, all my data suggests
that the country

is definitely
trending calzone.

Yeah. Ugh. The worst.

Ron?

Well, it's a bold
capitalistic gambit, son,

but nothing ventured,
nothing gained.

Regal Meagle?

Real estate
is pretty cheap right now.

If you're gonna do it,
this is a good time.

Okay. I'm doing it.

Over the next five years,

there's gonna be 20
Tom's Bistros across America.

Look out, world. Tommy's
about to blow up.

And blow up he did.

But not in a good way.

He lost everything.

Today, Tom Haverford
is broke, destitute,

and worst of all, swaggerless.

Tommy, you got to
stop watching this.

I can't tear myself away.

It's a whole documentary
about my failures.

That you made!

I had to.

I have to remember every tiny
awful aspect of this.

I lost everything, Lucy --

The franchises,
most of my money.

I had to sell my
pocket-square collection.

What are people's eyes
gonna be drawn to?

Look, you had a tough break.

The stock market tanked,
credit dried up.

Who could have predicted that the
country would run out of beef?

You just got to move on.

That's the problem, though.

I've gone bust in the past,

but it was because I did
something reckless.

This time I was smart and
careful, and I still went broke.

What do I do now?

Well, you and I are
gonna be fine,

and you'll come up
with a new idea.

You always do.

Well, the cabin is not quite
as rustic as I would like.

Diane made me install
luxury items

like a driveway and faucets.

But it's yours as
long as you need it.

Oh, Ben and Leslie sent
over this gift basket for you.

- No meat. I checked.
- Thanks, Ron.

Lucy's away on
business for a month,

so I'm just gonna
clear my head

and get to work on
my next big project.

I'm glad to see you pulling
yourself up off the mat.

What is this project?

Oh, I'm gonna write
a blockbuster action film.

Did you see
"10 fast 10 Furious: Tokyo Drift 3?"

I did not. No.

Well, you might
be the only one.

It made $2.9 billion.

Action movies are cash cows.

All I got to do is churn one
out and let the money roll in.

What is this film about?

Oh, I have no idea.

But I have the perfect title.

"sn*per Race Delta:
Beijing Inferno."

Shhhh!

I know you have had
a rough go of it,

and you can spend your time
however you like.

But whatever you write
is gonna have your name on it.

At least make it something
you're proud of.

Good luck, son.

"Tom, Here's to your success!
Love, Lesile & Ben"

I once started
an entertainment company.

Failed in four months.

I opened a clothing
rental store.

I built a restaurant empire.

They all failed.

But the story of America

isn't about second
or third chances.

It's about 4th, 5th,
6th, 20th, 50th chances.

That's how long it took me
to get where I am today --

Best-selling author of
"Failure: An American Success Story."

As you know if you
read the book,

I've outlined seven different
types of successful people.

You can be an Andy...

An April...

A Ben...

A Leslie...

A Ron...

A Donna...

Or my personal
favorite, a Tom.

But what do we definitely
not what to be?

A Garry! A Garry! A Garry!

That's right.
Do not be a Garry.

He's talking about me.

Hey!

Hey! Thanks so much
for coming, guys.

Are you kidding?

Tom, this is incredible.

Best-selling book,
a 40-city tour.

Well, I couldn't have
done it without you.

Well, the book's
called "Failure."

I don't know how to take that.

I'm serious. You guys
have always supported me.

Here. I inscribed you a copy.

"When I think
of success, I think of you.

"You are a true
inspiration to me.

"I love you.

Tom Haverford."

Oh, sorry. That's actually
for Kendrick Lamar.

Here's yours.

"Best wishes."

And I mean every word of it.

So, how are we gonna
fix this swing?

Hold a public forum?
Have a rally?

Smash that door and
do some looting?

Actually, I think
there's a simpler solution.

We just need the help of the
most powerful man in Pawnee.

Jim, how the heck are ya?

Yeah. Look, I hate
to bother you,

but I'm here with my
two best friends,

Leslie Knope and
Tom Haverford.

Shh!

And we need the first-floor
maintenance room open.

Mm. Okay. Great.

And best to Louise
and the girls.

Okay. Bye-bye.

You guys are all set.

Thank you, Mayor Gergich.

You really saved our butts.

I am so happy that
you get to be mayor.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Oh. Are you kidding me?

Leslie, I know that this
is purely ceremonial,

and it'll be over in just
a couple of weeks,

but I just don't
know how my life

could get any
better than this.

Oh!

In a turn of events
both shocking and unexpected,

interim mayor Garry Gergich
was officially elected today,

thanks to a massive
write-in campaign.

Mayor Gergich, what
are your plans

for your first actual term?

Oh, geez. You know what?

I have no idea, Perd.

I mean, this is so crazy.

I just hope I do a good job,

and I promise I'm
gonna try my best.

And faithfully serve
the people of Pawnee, Indiana.

As president of City Council,
I, Councilwoman Brandi Maxxx,

star of more than 11,000 adult
films in the last two years,

officially declare Garry Gergich
mayor of Pawnee, Indiana,

for the fourth time.

Thank you, Pawnee.

Okay. Great.

Garry Gergich, you are now
mayor again for the 10th time,

proving conclusively

that in these corporate
states of America,

it's the entrenched powers
who hold all the cards.

Thank you, Councilman Morris.

Thank you, Pawnee.

Happy birthday, my
sweet, sweet husband.

We all love you so much.

I have had the perfect life.

I have had the
perfect marriage...

Oh!

the perfect children,

and the perfect grandchildren
and great-grandchildren.

And I just want you to know
how much I love you.

Okay. Come on. Everybody
say "Ger-gich!"

Ger-gich! Ger-gich! Ger-gich!

Mayor Garry Gergich d*ed
peacefully in his sleep

on his 100th birthday,

holding the hand
of his beloved wife, Gayle.

Man, Gayle looks amazing.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

He will now be given the Indiana
Notary Society's highest honor,

the 21-Stamp Salute.

Rest in peace, friend.

They spelled his name
wrong on the tombstone.

Ah...

Close enough.

Hm.

It's time to go.

Okay. How's this
for a headline?

"Still Swinging: Parks g*ng
Reunites for One Last Bang."

That's a little dirty.

Well, it's a headline, Shauna.

Sex sells.

Speaking of which,
how's your personal life?

Uh, not great.

I had met a guy online,
and we started chatting a lot,

and I really liked him,

but he turned out to
be a computer program

that a scientist invented

to test the gullibility
of human women.

Oh, boy.

Shauna, you're a
very nice person.

And although your life has been
filled with romantic disasters

too horrific and
numerous to catalog,

I just want you to know
that I honestly believe

that you will find
happiness some day.

Excuse me, ma'am?

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

I was supposed to
get married today,

but my fianc? left
me at the altar.

He texted me, "game
running into overtime.

I'll try
and stop by."

Oh, that sucks.

Yeah.

I'm really sorry you're sad.

Nobody should ever be sad.

You know what helps
me when I'm sad?

And I think it might
just help you, too.

What?

Gum.

My company makes it.

Thanks.

Okay. Would you two
like to exchange vows?

Shauna, I love you so much.

I can't believe we just
met five hours ago.

I know, right?

But I really love you.

You're so nice.

Remember how you offered
me gum when I was sad?

Yes!

I totally remember that.

You're nice, too.

And so smart.

You're, like, the
smartest person

I've ever met in
my whole life.

And so pretty. I...

I just want to give
you gum forever.

By the power vested in me
by the state of Indiana,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Yeah!

We did it.

I can't believe we did it!

You got to throw your thing.

Oh, yeah.

Knope, make yourself useful and
hand me that crescent wrench.

Well...

Not bad craftsmanship, Ron.

It is perfect craftsmanship.

I calculate the cost
of my labor at $38.

I can send the bill to you?

So, you think you're gonna
stick around Pawnee?

Oh, I imagine so.

I'm not sure where I
would go, really.

Well, we're gonna
come back here a lot.

You know what they say...

don't be a stranger.

Despite the recent
financial crisis,

Very Good Building Company

will finish fiscal year 2022
in excellent financial shape,

thanks in large part
to the stewardship

of your chairman, Ron Swanson.

Mr. Chairman...

Would you like to
say a few words?

I resign as chairman
effective immediately.

Uh, would you like
to explain why?

No.

Should we discuss your
retirement package?

Just give me whatever
the board thinks is fair.

Agreed.

Best of luck.

Don't get emotional, Vaughn.
You're embarrassing yourself.

I'm sorry.

What just happened?

My brother resigned.

No sense dwelling on the past.

Any more new business?

Uh, yeah.

You need a new chairman,
for starters.

I'll do it. Anything else?

Again, Lon, not how corporate
governance works.

Congressman.

Ron. What a surprise.

Please invite me inside.

This city reeks of swampland
and government overreach.

Great to see you as always.

Ron, your family is beautiful.

They're a handsome bunch.

Diane and I are
especially proud

because Ivy was just accepted
at Stanford University.

California.

Sunshine, health
food, surfing --

Your worst nightmares.

Congratulations.
It's a great school.

Yeah. It's gonna cost
an arm and a leg.

You take my advice?

I did. Thank you again.

I sold some of my gold

and officially diversified
my portfolio.

Very smart.


What did you end
up investing in?

Mutual funds? Bonds?

No. Something solid
and dependable

that will certainly
stand the test of time.

Congratulations.

You now own 51%
of the Lagavulin Distillery.

Pleasure doing
business with you.

And with you.

Sl?inte.

So, Ron, what brings you here?

I am at something of a
personal crossroads.

Yes! I love personal
crossroads.

I once made the mistake

of not talking to you
at such a moment,

and I do not intend
to repeat that error.

Well, let's take a walk.

There's a cute
little park nearby.

I suppose I had
simply accomplished

everything I wanted to.

And there seemed to be
little point in continuing.

So, what do you
want to do now?

Well, that's the problem.

I'm not sure.

My kids are growing up.

My days in an office
feel like a waste.

I would like to
turn my attention

to something...

That would make
me feel useful.

But for the life of me,
I cannot figure out what.

And there are not
many people --

I mean, we were workplace
proximity acquaintances

for many years.

And so I thought --
I thought maybe...

Say no more, you big softie.

I'm gonna spend
every waking moment

trying to figure
this out for you.

You want to stay for dinner?
We're having steak.

Hmm?

But we're also hosting
several members

of the House Subcommittee
on Foreign Affairs.

I'll take that steak to go,
please, and thank you.

Hey.

There you are.

Thanks for meeting me here.

Well, if you'd have
held them here

instead of that
conference room,

I would have come
to more meetings.

I got to tell you, Leslie,

establishing this national
park right next to Pawnee

is quite an accomplishment.

This is a fine piece
of land you saved.

Thank you, Ron.

You want to run it?

The superintendent of
Bryce Canyon retired,

and I convinced the
superintendent of this park

to transfer, shuffled
a few things around.

Point is, someone needs to
take care of this place now.

Thought it should be you.

I...

Well, first of all,

I would be working
for the federal government.

Your job would be to walk
around the land alone.

You'd live in the same town
you've always lived in.

You'd work outside.
You'd talk to bears.

Next argument.

There must be dozens of people
gunning for this job.

I wouldn't want you to
ruffle any feathers.

Am I even qualified?

Well, a few people
might be annoyed,

but they'll get over it.

And as far as your
qualifications,

you're Ron Swanson.

Stop being a dummy and accept.

When do I start?

Oh, today.

I already accepted for you.

I still remember
how to forge your signature.

Let's go meet your staff.

Pawnee National Park rangers,

this is Ron Swanson, your new
superintendent and boss.

Rangers, my name is

Ronald Ulysses Swanson.

Your job and mine is
to walk this land

and make sure no one harms it.

If you show up on
time, speak honestly,

and treat everyone
with fairness,

we will get along just fine...

Though hopefully not too fine,

as I'm not looking
for any new friends.

End of speech.

Well said.

Thank you, Leslie.

You're welcome, Ron.

Okay.

Time to go to work.

Laugh with me, buddy

Jest with me, buddy

Don't let her get the
best of me, buddy

Don't ever let me
start feelin' lonely

Well, I have to make
a couple more adjustments.

Babe, I-I don't want
to seem dramatic,

but I've just reconsidered
every decision

that we've made
over the last year,

and I think we need to stay
in Pawnee forever.

I know. But we have
to pick up the kids,

and we have a flight to catch.

But when is this
group of people

ever going to be all
together again?

That's all I want --
all of these people

in the same place
at the same time.

It'll happen... someday.

What's gonna happen
between now and then?

A lot.

And it's all gonna be great.

You promise?

I promise.

This is a nice house.

You say that every
time we're here.

I'm just trying
to distract you

so you don't have a
nervous breakdown.

I think I am past that point.

You don't have to worry
about me anymore.

Hey, folks. Welcome back.

Great to have so many good
friends and colleagues.

We're looking forward to a great
conversation and a good dinner.

As usual, there's
only one rule --

No shop talk.

So if you want to
discuss politics,

you're gonna have to wait
until after dinner.

I'm looking at you, Leslie.

Okay.

Well, as long as we get
to play charades later.

Okay.

Last time we played charades,

she spent 31/2 hours here.

You're just mad
'cause you lost.

Oh, come on.

Damn, that food was good!

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again --

Joe Biden knows his way
around the seafood Risotto.

You've said that before?

Anyway, the point is, yes,
I do like working at Interior.

I love it.

But I'm always looking
for new challenges.

Why do you ask?

There's a rumor the
governor of Indiana

isn't going to run again,

and my friends at the DNC

are very interested in
you as a candidate.

- For governor of Indiana?
- Mm-hmm.

Someone's been reading my
kindergarten dream journal.

So, what do you think?

I'll call you next week,
and we can talk about it?

Oh. O-okay. Great.

Well, this is exciting.

I'm gonna take this energy,

and I'm gonna go crush
Joe Biden in charades.

Dr. Jill, let's pick teams.

Ah.

Move. Need the congressman.

This is time-sensitive.

Hey, Jen. I didn't
know you were here.

I'm everywhere.

You want to be
governor of Indiana?

What?

Colquitt's not
gonna run again.

It's a rumor for now,
but my gut says it's for real.

You're the perfect
candidate -- local hero,

state government experience,

blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

I mean, the only
potential problem

is that devastatingly nerdy
"Cones of Dunshire" thing.

Uh, that's a problem?

I'm sorry, but it's the
ninth-highest-selling

multiplayer figurine-based
strategy fantasy sequel game

in history.

Please don't bail on me
because of what just happened.

- So... - So, I had a pretty
interesting conversation

with Janet from
the DNC tonight.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

She said that governor Colquitt
might be stepping down,

and the DNC thinks that I
should run for governor.

Oh, God.

That... kind of sucks.

Really? Why?

No. I mean, that's --

That's amazing.

It's just...

Jen Barkley kind of approached
me about running.

Oh! Oh.

Well...

I mean, obviously...

Right. Yeah. No, no.

I mean, obviously...

Yeah. I mean, obviously, we...

Okay. Pros of you
running for governor --

You would be a great governor.

We could make Pawnee
our home base.

Kids could go to
school in Pawnee.

And it would be a huge
career move for you.

The pros of me running for
governor are the same thing.

- It's the same list.
- Right.

The only con of you running

would be that I don't get
to run, and vice versa.

Good.

So we've solved it.

Look, we're going back
to Pawnee in a week.

Why don't we just talk
about it after that?

Good idea.

Hey, maybe we can drop
by the old stomping grounds,

see how the parks
department has changed.

I love it.

Okay. Are you ready?

No, but we don't have
a choice, do we?

Kids, dinner!

Hey, I'm gonna eat in my room
because I have to study.

Can we go to Bobby's house
and watch the game?

- Did you finish your homework?
- Yes.

Okay. Don't forget to --

- Be back by 8:00.
Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom.

- Bye.
- Get your ice skates!

You have a lesson tomorrow!

- Just be--
- Okay.

Bye.

Want some broccoli?

Ugh. No.

You know,
now that I'm here,

it's giving me an idea
about this governor thing.

Maybe we need fresh eyes.

You know? Other
people to weigh in.

We should talk to Ron...
or Tom...

Or April or Donna...
or Andy even.

Sometimes he can be wise.

Yeah. Good idea.
Let's call them.

Or you know what
else we could do?

Just talk to them in person.

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Surprise!

Oh, wow.

It's what you wanted, right?

Everyone in the same
room at the same time?

I can't believe you.

We're all here together
in the same room.

In this room.

I don't think I could
be happier right now.

Want to bet?

Hi.

Oh, Ann's here! Ann.

Ann's here! Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.

- How you doing?
- Oh, good.

- You guys, Ann's here.
- Aww.

Should we move away from here?

Yeah, yeah.

- This could go on for sometime.
- Aww!

Your hair looks
amazing, by the way.

You look like a
cartoon princess.

Oh, thank you. That's from the
pills I was telling you about.

I took some of those,
but I don't know.

They didn't do anything, and
they kind of upset my stomach.

No, no, no. You're
supposed to cr*ck them

and leave them on your hair
overnight, not eat them.

Oh, no.

Well, it's confusing
'cause they're delicious.

Because my first book
was such a smash,

I had to come up with a new
angle for the follow-up.

Then it hit me --
"Failure 2.0: Failin' to Fail."

Love it. How's everything?

You properly treating yourself
out there in Seattle?

In a manner of speaking.

Joe and I spend most of our
time on the foundation.

I can't believe you
went nonprofit.

I mean, I love you.
You're one of my best friends.

But you have betrayed me
and everything we stand for.

- You changed.
- Maybe you're right.

By the way, what time is it?

Oh. It looks like it's
half past spla-dow!

- What?!
- What?!

I take it all back.

That's a lot of diamonds.

Give me, give me, give
me, give me, give me.

What's with all the duct tape?

Just because I work
for the federal government

doesn't mean I have
to advertise it to everyone.

Speaking of new careers,

congratulations on your run
as mayor, Garry.

Oh, thanks, Ron.

I just still can't believe it.

It's like...

Yes. Neither can anyone else.

Uh! Garry!

Hey, Oliver! Hey, Leslie!

- Hello, Ann.
- Hi, April.

- Your kids are, like, surprisingly awesome.
- Thank you.

Did you use an egg donor

or give Chris a hall
pass for a night?

Once again, they are my
biological children.

Once again, I don't
believe you.

Ann, you rainbow-infused
space unicorn...

Ann, you beautiful, sassy
mannequin-come-to-life...

Ann, you opalescent tree shark.

Leslie, you are the
master of the metaphor.

- Oh. - I recently compared her
to a nutrient-rich chia seed.

What's that thing
on your wrist?

Oh.

You are
extremely healthy.

I do that literally
50 times a day.

Aren't you afraid that thing
might give you cancer?

Well, I am now.

Well, there he is.

Chip Traeger, you
old son of a g*n.

Andy, it's Chris.

Is it?

Huh.

Hello, Jack.

Ron Swanson.

Strong handshake.

Well done, you two.

Thank you.

This kid is the best.

Doctor said he has a
remarkably large head.

Just like his old man.

Yeah, we know what
that means --

More smart room for it.

So, are you gonna
have another one?

Um...

Shh.

Shh.

'Cause -- 'cause
he's sleeping?

How can you tell?

Oh, it's a common
misconception

that the Oculus holds
all of the power.

It's actually the Lamplighter.

Need a moment.

Hey, sugarpea.

I know you probably imagined
us meeting once a year

for a rendezvous,
but I'm happy.

I got a great wife,
best seller,

and as always,
I remain a style icon.

I guess what I'm saying is,

I'm out of your league,
and you need to move on.

What?

Sorry. I stopped listening
when you called me sugarpea.

Ann! Oh, my God.
It's happening.

It's totally happening.

Our kids are falling in love.

This is good.

Okay. Remember, if this
is ever gonna work,

we have to pretend
to disapprove.

Yeah. Right. Good call.

Hey!

- Leslie, no.
- Oh.

Who cares?

Ann Arbor, Michigan,
is literally the greatest city

that I've ever lived in.

But Pawnee is better.

So we're moving back.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna run
admissions at Indiana.

I'm trading Wolverines
for Hoosiers.

Well, you're getting
the better end of that deal.

Tom.

I took the quiz in your book
about what kind of person I am.

I'm a Ron.

Ha. I'm usually a Tom,
but sometimes, I'm a Don.

Last time I took
it, I was a Tom.

What?

No!

No! No! No!

Take it again!

I got to go
recalibrate the quiz.

Things I really want to do

So, did anyone
have any insights

on our running-for-governor
situation?

It's been so busy catching
up with everyone,

I haven't had a
chance to ask them.

- Yeah. Me neither.
- Okay. Here's what I think.

I hate when we're
on opposite sides.

It stinks.

Plus, if one of us runs,

- it doesn't mean we're gonna win.
- Right.

I mean, it's not like this
is the only career option

for either of us.

So all that matters
is that we are good.

Right.

Which is why I have an idea.

I think we should flip a coin.

I mean it.

Let's literally flip a coin,

because whoever runs
is gonna do a great job,

and whoever doesn't run

is gonna be right
alongside the other one,

offering advice and support
and whatever they need.

So it doesn't matter.

So let's flip a coin.

Okay. You, Leslie Knope,

the queen of planning and
binders and pro-and-con lists,

you want to leave
this to chance?

Yes.

Because whatever's next...

You and I are in it together.

So, let's go tell everybody,
and they can participate,

and they can sign the coin,
and then, you know, the coin

will eventually make its
way into the Smithsonian.

Okay, everybody.
Gather 'round.

First of all, I
just have to say

that all of you in the same
room at the same time

with your children
here, it's, like...

It's the greatest thing that's ever
happened in the history of America.

And secondly, Ben
and I have an announcement.

Leslie's running for
governor of Indiana.

What?! What?!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Bully for you, Knope.

That's amazing.

Yeah. She got
approached by the DNC,

and they think she has
a great sh*t to win.

Indiana native,
supremely qualified,

and she wrote that she wanted
to be governor

in her kindergarten
dream journal.

Just makes sense.

So, I'm running for governor.

Yeah!

Yay!

Ben is gonna be
running my campaign

because he's a super genius

and he's got a tight,
compact, little body

like an Italian sports car.

This is cause for celebration.

Let's all go to
Tom's Bistro tonight,

back under original
management,

and you all get
the friends-and-family deal --

3% off.

Oh, my God. You're
too generous, Tom.

But right now I'd
like to make a toast.

When we worked here together,

we fought, scratched,
and clawed

to make people's lives
a tiny bit better.

That's what public
service is all about --

Small incremental
change every day.

Teddy Roosevelt once said,
"Far and away,

"the best prize that
life has to offer

"is a chance to work hard
at work worth doing."

And I would add that what
makes work worth doing

is getting to do it
with people that you love.

I started my career
more than 30 years ago,

in the Parks and
Recreation Department

right here in Pawnee, Indiana.

I've had a lot of
different jobs,

including two terms
as your governor.

And soon a new, unknown
challenge awaits me,

which to me even
now is thrilling,

because I love the work.

Not to say that public
service isn't sexy,

because it definitely is.

But that's not why we do it.

We do it because
we get the chance

to work hard at
work worth doing

alongside a team of
people who we love.

So, I thank those people
who have walked with me,

and I thank you
for this honor.

Now go find your team
and get to work.

In addition to Governor
Knope's honorary doctorate

from the School
of Public Policy,

in recognition of all she's
done for the people of Indiana,

the campus library
will henceforth bear her name.

A [Bleep] Library?

Yeah, that should do it.

The swing is fixed.

- Yeah!
- Nice!

Well, there you go, sir --

Local government
at its very best.

Actually, none
of these people

works in local government.

This is a group of
private citizens

and one misguided
federal employee

meddling where she
does not belong.

For once, could you just --

No.

In any case, another problem

solved by the hard work
of dedicated public servants.

Okay. Great.

Bye.

Yeah, that's about right.

Okay. Well...

Hang on.

Gayle made me promise
to get a quick picture

just for old times' sake.

Good idea. Garry
had a good idea.

Ah. The lighting's all wrong.

I'm gonna send you
a glamour sh*t.

Just Photoshop me in later.

I'm not gonna show
up in that picture anyway

because I'm a vampire.

Hey, babe, for this picture,
should I be Burt Macklin,

Johnny Karate,

or my new character,
Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.?

Where did you get that?

Found it in a sandbox.

Ew!

Go Macklin.

Macklin's the hottest.

Get on with it.

I can't hold this
smile forever.

I look ridiculous.

Okay. Hang on. Okay.

You ready, babe?

Yes.

I'm ready.

That is a series wrap
on "Parks and Recreation."
Post Reply