07x01 - Audrey Hepburn and a Jalapeño Pepper

[bunniefuu]

- Hi. Bonnie. Married, alcoholic...
- (All) Hi Bonnie.

- Is she gonna say that every time?
- I heard that and yes.

Because here's the thing:

I'm sharing that the program works.

I am going on a honeymoon.

I am. Okay?

This former junkie is
gonna spend seven days

and six nights with her
husband in a lake house.

On a lake.

Of course, Marjorie tried
to ruin it by saying,

"Make sure you go to a meeting."

And I said, "The only thing

"that's gonna be meeting is

me and my husband's naughty parts."

Anyway, I won't be here next week.

I expect it will affect attendance,

and for that I apologize.

Christy,

extremely single alcoholic.

GROUP: Hi, Christy.

But I can also tell
you this program works

because while she's on her honeymoon,

I am being put in charge
of her husband's bar.

I am.

An entire building filled with alcohol,

and I will be its queen.

There was a time you
couldn't leave me alone

with half a light beer that
had a cigarette floating in it.

I am so proud of me.

(sighs)

I'd tell you guys to
come and check me out,

but it's a bar, so...
feels a bit inapro-pro.

(chuckles softly)

That's all I got.

You already shared.

I know, but I didn't mention
that I have a boyfriend.

Hi. Jill, alcoholic with a boyfriend.

Okay, you go.

(clears throat)

Hi. Tammy, alcoholic.

Just got on Tinder.

So far, it's been mildly disturbing.

GROUP: Hi, Tammy.

I just got passed over
for a temporary promotion

at the bar where I work.

Now, some might call it nepotism,

but I choose to believe

it's because I'm simply too
valuable in my current position.

That's called self-esteem,

and it's not something
you get just because

your mom married the bar owner.

Thank you.

(gasps)

Am I allowed to say
this place is amazing

if I'm the one who picked it out?

Well, I picked you out, and I
say you're amazing every day.

Aw... Mm.

(chuckles): Whoa.

Oh, cool!

A bearskin rug!

Tell me doing it on a dead
bear is not on your bucket list.

(chuckles) Oh, wow.

A bowl of apples. Super friggin' classy.

Hey, and they're real.

(gags) They're not
good, but they're real.

Babe, this place is incredible.

Oh, honey, look at us.

We're on our honeymoon, and
the setting is so perfect.

And, oh, my God! (gasps)

There's a family of deer

grazing on what can only be described

as a meadow.

Pants off. We're mounting the bear.

All right, team. Listen up.

As you guys know,

Adam left me in charge
of the bar this week.

We know 'cause she's
told us eight times.

And here's the deal:

I have not been able
to get my mom and Adam

a proper wedding gift because
Visa recently invited me

to stop using my credit card.

So, my wedding gift

!is going to be to give
this bar back to Adam

with amazing improvements in
efficiency and profitability.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

But okay, I'm not in charge.

Tammy?

Do we have a chain
of command issue here?

Sorry, boss... 's stepdaughter.

I am going to run
this bar a bit smarter.

For example...

And the alcoholic part of
me dies when I say this...

We make our drinks too strong.

So, I am implementing the
one-two-three-four pour.

To get exactly an ounce into a cocktail,

you pour and count.

One, two, three, four.

And what should I count to

if I ever want the
customers to come back?

TAMMY: Hey, Rick,
what's with the pushback?

Is it 'cause she's a woman?

I'm not gonna answer that truthfully

with four women in the room.

Look, over-pouring by
even a quarter of an ounce

can cost up to ten drinks per bottle.

Bam! Guess who did her homework!

Our tiny little leader!

Thanks for coming over to my side.

I didn't. I just really hate Rick.

♪ ♪

(water flowing)

BONNIE: (sighs) This is awesome.

It's the most peaceful
place I've ever been.

God, I hate those sunglasses.

Why did he wait till our honeymoon

to break out the hideous ladies eye-wear?

Ugh!

All that's missing is a sun hat

and a tiny Chihuahua.

Where'd you get those sunglasses?

- The mall. Aren't they great?
- Mm-hmm.

Got two pair, in case
anything happens to these.

(scoffs) There goes that plan.

Hey, hey. Stop picking on
him. He's a great guy

who loves you more than anyone ever has.

(chuckles)

Holy crap, he's a book chuckler.

I'm staring down the barrel of 50 years

with a book chuckler.

I should throw myself
off this deck right now.

Oh, come on. Stop.

Look at the view.

Clear blue sky.

Beautiful lake.

(deep breath)

A little noisy.

Stupid tiny waves.

Shut up, lake.

What is wrong with me?

I'm in the perfect place
with the perfect man,

and all I can think about is,

"How far do I have to
swim out into that lake

before I can't make it back?"

- I'm so happy.
- Not as happy as me!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Come on, Rick. Pick it
up. What's the problem?

You changed the way I do everything,

so it takes twice as long.

All my changes are time-savers.

Oh, well, speaking just for me...

And everyone else... they're not.

And here are your chicken wings.

I ordered nachos.

- CHRISTY: Tammy?
- Those go to table four.

This is four. This is the old four.

I'm sorry, I do not
understand your insane system.

There is nothing insane about clockwise.

You start at the bar,

then go one, two, three, four.

Why do all your new
rules involve counting?

Just go get those people their 'chos.

Christy, saying "'chos" isn't
any faster than saying "nachos."

It absolutely is.

- No, it's not.
- I'll prove it to you.

- When I count to three...
- Oh, my God. More counting.

You say "nachos," I'll say "'chos."

One, two, three.

- Nachos.
- 'Chos.

BOTH: See? I win!

No! I win because I'm in charge.

Fine. All right. What about beef nachos?

You want me to just say "beef 'chos"?

Those are obviously b-chos.

I think you're being kind of a b-Cho.

If you need me, I'll be out here

getting more mountain air, my love!

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

MARJORIE: Hello. How's
the happy newlywed?

Everything is perfect and
I'm completely miserable.

And if I'm completely
miserable on our honeymoon,

what does that say about our marriage?

Not gonna work, that's what it says.

I'm guessing you haven't
been to a meeting.

I'm in the middle of nowhere.
What am I supposed to do,

find a raccoon with a whiskey problem?

Check online.

There are alcoholics everywhere,
even in the wilderness.

After four years of
sobriety, I'd like to think

I could go a week without a meeting.

You know, Bonnie, when
you packed your suitcase,

you also packed yourself.

I also packed a phone
charger. What's your point?

I'll say it so a child could understand.

You have alcoholism here,
you have alcoholism there,

you have alcoholism everywhere.

I will punch you here,
I will punch you there,

I will punch you everywhere.

I don't need a meeting!

Bonnie, we have a disease,
and meetings are our medicine.

And if you don't want to
go, the only other choice

(distorted): you have is to...

Hello? Hello?

What's the other choice?
What's the other choice?!

Damn it!

(screams)

(water splashes)

Hey, babe.

Apropos of nothing,

I was wondering if
you wanted to swing by

Conference Room B at
the American Legion Hall

from 11:00 to 12:00?

I love small towns like this.

Look, a barber shop with a pole. Ha.

Maybe while you're in your
meeting, I'll get my hair cut.

Yeah, maybe there's a
ladies sunglasses store.

You can just go crazy.

Wait, do you not like my glasses?

No, I always wanted to be
married to Audrey Hepburn.

How about we discuss
this after you're done?

We could get lunch at that
cute little diner we passed.

Or we could get Breakfast at Tiffany's.

- Okay, where is this meeting?
- There, there.

See those guys smoking
cigarettes and guzzling coffee?

- Those are my people.
- Yeah, wait, hang on, hang on!

Let me stop the car...

- Back in an hour!
- I love you.

Come back normal!

- Hey, Patty.
- Hey, Jim.

- Hey, Patty.
- Hey, Stan.

- Hey, Jim.
- Hey, Stan.

Hi. Hello to everyone.

I thought this was the 11:00 meeting.

Well, it's the same
six people every day,

so it starts when it starts. (chuckles)

Not what I want to hear.

- I'm Patty.
- Bonnie.

You seem a little jumpy. Are you new?

I have four years.

Really? Is that what I
have to look forward to?

- How long do you have?
- This time it's ten days.

It's nice to have
someone from out of town.

Where are you from?

Is it someplace exciting
like Philadelphia? (chuckles)

I've always wanted
to go to Philadelphia.

Run up those steps like Rocky.

But then I heard it's
harder than it looks.

I'm from Napa,

where the meetings start on time! Hey!

Can we get this pony
on the straightaway?

(chuckles): Well,

welcome there, Napa.

You're in my seat.

Stan, just sit over there.

Hi. What's your name?

"Start the meeting." That's my name.

Sometimes I go by "do it now."

(laughs) You are funny.

How about you be our speaker today?

Wait, wait, wait. You said I
was gonna be the speaker today.

I was gonna tell my barn story.

(all groan)

What? It's funny.

He got drunk, b*rned
down the barn, the end.

Well, it's funny when I tell
it and... when I'm in that seat.

Just go.

Bonnie, alcoholic.

- GROUP: Hi, Bonnie.
- (sighs)

So, I'm in town 'cause
I'm on my honeymoon,

and I'm-I'm sort of
ruining my honeymoon

'cause I have alcoholism,
and I never met a good thing

I couldn't turn into a bad thing.

I come by it honestly. My mother
abandoned me when I was four.

Well, so far, it's no barn story, huh?

We're about to open. Where's my staff?

I just got a text from Rick.

He says he's not feeling well,

and he won't be better till Adam's back.

What a jerk.

There's, like, a bajillion
games on today.

Okay. Okay, we're a man
down, but we can handle it.

Jenny and Sharon are sick, too.

- Who's Sharon?
- The one you call Karen.

Well, I think the takeaway

is that their work ethic is
even worse than I thought.

Oh, is that the takeaway?

'Cause there's a second takeaway
where you're a lady d*ck.

If I'm so terrible, why are you here?

'Cause you're my friend.

Really? But you just called me a d*ck.

Yeah, to your face, like a real friend.

Aw.

You've kind of been a d*ck, too.

Come on, bring it in. Huh?

(chuckles)

What do we got to do
to get you to move here?

Your story was unbelievable.

- And that was only volume one,
my friend. - (laughs)

Hey, great share.

You know, the thing about my barn story

is that the, uh, door was
locked from the outside.

Who locked it?

It's a mystery.

No, it's not. It was your wife.

Bonnie, you were amazing.

I mean, hearing you
made me actually think

- I could stay sober.
- Thanks.

No, you don't understand.

I've been in and out for years,
and I've never felt like this.

The way you talked about your daughter

really touched me.

I've got a little girl,
but she got taken away.

Lives with my mom while
I'm trying to get clean.

But ever since she left,

I-I can't put more than
three days together.

I thought you said you had ten days.

I was rounding up. I have one.

I could wallpaper a house
with my one-day chips.

Now I've got a four-year coin.

I accidentally used it
for a wish in a fountain,

but I know it's at
the mall if I need it.

Wow, I'm so glad I met you.

I almost didn't come.

How often do you go to
meetings? Twice a week.

Once a week.

Hey, I came today. (chuckles)

If you had cancer and I told you

all you had to do to
keep it in remission

was hit four meetings
a week, wouldn't you go?

Oh, wow. Can you actually
fix cancer that way?

(chuckles) That should be bigger news.

No, but it works pretty
good for our thing.

We have a disease, and
meetings are our medicine.

You are literally the
wisest woman in AA.

Yes, I am.

- (exhales) Hey.
- Hey.

Where are your sunglasses?

I'm not wearing them
anymore. Let's move on.

No, no, they're fine. I
was just in a bad mood.

Really?

I can't.

PATTY: Hey, thanks for waiting.

You must be Adam.

Right.

This is Patty. She's coming to lunch.

New in the program and
a very big fan of mine.

(chuckles) Aren't we all.

Here are your jalapeño poppers.

I ordered mozzarella sticks.

Buddy, I am this close to crying,

and once I start, I cannot stop.

So I'm gonna need you to
suck it up and eat the poppers

or cradle me like a baby
for the next three hours.

- (clamoring)
- Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Ugh.

Oh, uh...

Who wants whatever this is?

Come on, people, it's alcohol!

What's wrong with you?

I need two martinis.

- MARJORIE: On it.
- (ice shaking)

Where'd you come from?

Tammy called, said you needed help.

Been a minute since I tended bar,

but I think I got this.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but you've never been hotter.

Hey, I ordered a
whiskey half an hour ago.

Oh, did you? You want to know

what I've been doing the last half hour?

Trying to find table three
'cause you can't count clockwise

when you don't know where midnight is!

Tammy, why don't you let me handle this.

Oh, thank God you made it.

- What can I get you?
- A whiskey. I've been waiting forever.

Friend, I'm gonna say
you're at fault here

for ordering just one drink at a time.

In a crowded bar, you
always order at least two.

But my ice would melt.

Oh, honey, if your ice is melting,

you're drinking too damn slow.

Now let's get your buzz on.
How many drinks do you want?

- Two?
- I heard four.

I came as soon as I
could. What can I do?

We need six orders of beef
nachos and mozzarella sticks.

Okay, b-chos and
mo-sticks coming up.

Why did you call them that?

'Cause it's faster.

I love you.

I need two bourbons, neat,
for table three and/or seven.

Got it.

Tammy, thanks for calling in the troops.

- You guys are saving my ass.
- No problem.

Adam really should've
left you in charge.

I know.

BONNIE: Oh, my God. I'm
finally enjoying myself.

I can be on this deck

without wanting to leap to my death.

All I needed was to
be with the man I love

and this near total stranger.

Mmm. Adam, this steak is amazing.

What'd you put on it?

- Salt and pepper.
- Mmm.

Genius.

And thanks for cooking it extra
well-done for me. (chuckles)

Does get rid of all
that nasty juiciness.

(chuckles)

So, Patty, are you in a relationship?

Yeah, well, I'm kind of married.

- Wh-What does that mean?
- Oh.

He wanted an open thing.

So I said, "Okay, one
rule: nobody I know."

Never works.

- What?
- Shh. She's talking.

Then last year, he went
and slept with Heather,

who I groom dogs with.

And then she got pregnant,

so most of the time,
he lives at her place.

Well, unless they're fighting.

Then he stays with me. That's cool.

Well, it was cool until I got evicted.

Now I live in the back of the pet store.

I put three dog beds together,

but it still feels
like I'm on the floor.

You guys got animals?

We have a golden retriever named Gus.

Oh. Does he need a haircut
or his a**l glands expressed?

I'm a magician with an a**l gland.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna go ahead and take this inside.

Sorry.

It sounds like you're really
going through a hard time.

The only thing I care
about is my daughter.

It was her birthday last
week. I didn't even see her.

'Cause you were drunk?

I've been there.

I'm never gonna get her back.

In my experience, if you put
your focus on your sobriety,

everything else in your life

will work out better
than you could imagine.

I mean, I have an
incredible relationship with

my daughter now, and I'm married
to that wonderful guy in there.

Is he wonderful?

He seems kind of grumpy.

Oh. (chuckles) That's my fault.

Um, I've been a bit of
a handful on this trip.

(chuckles): Actually, I'm a
bit of a handful all the time.

But the point is I
used to be much worse.

Will you be my sponsor?

What?

I-I know you don't live around here,

but... we could talk on
the phone and stuff.

I would really like that.

- ADAM: All right, I'm going to bed!
- I'm in the middle of something!

So, I want you to call me every day,

but never after 8:00.
My marriage comes first.

(both sigh)

I finally get what all the
honeymoon fuss is about.

This is great.

Yeah, it is.

(sighs)

I could do this all night long.

I could, too. Except we can't.

Patty's coming over?

Yeah. (grunts)

She'll be here in 15 minutes.

So, I guess she's kind of
part of our honeymoon now, huh?

I'm sorry.

I know she's a little crazy.

Yeah.

But ever since you've been
helping her, you're not.

Wow.

You really know me. (chuckles)

But you love me anyway.

(chuckles): I do.

And I always will.

We've got 13 minutes.
Let's ride the bear.

(doorbell rings)

Come on! What kind
of alcoholic is early?