07x03 - Goat Yogurt and Ample Parking

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mom". Aired: September 2013 to present.*
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"Mom" follows the life of a single mother who, after dealing with her battle with alcoholism and drug abuse, decides to restart her life in Napa Valley, California, working as a waitress and attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
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07x03 - Goat Yogurt and Ample Parking

Post by bunniefuu »

Did we just wake up
at the exact same time?

I think we did.

(chuckles)
We are totally in sync,

even when we're asleep.

We're cuter than otters.

(chuckles)

And I thought marriage
was gonna be terrible.

You don't need to say
that every morning.

(chuckles)

Well, I love that I can share
my every thought with you.

You can.

But maybe sometimes
you shouldn't.

For instance, the other day,

when you were telling me that
my arms were getting flabby.

Oh. I just said that 'cause

I didn't want
to push you up that hill.

So you weren't being mean,
you were being lazy.

Can't I be both?

Better than anyone.

Mm.

What do you have planned today?

Oh, let's see.

I'm gonna take your shirts
to the dry cleaner's,

fix Mr. Munson's freezer
and... oh, yeah,

officially take your last name.

What's wrong with his freezer?

I think you missed the headline.

No, I heard you. But our
freezer's been acting weird.

Could be the same thing.

Adam, I have an appointment
at the Social Security office,

where I will fill out
a government form.

After 22 years,

I am allowing myself
to show up on the grid.

I know.
That's a big step for you.

Yeah. Especially since
there's a small chance

I might be arrested.

And if you do, I can't be
forced to testify against you,

because I'm your husband.

That right there, that's why
I want to be Bonnie Janikowski.

Cool. And keep me posted
on that freezer thing.

Why are you acting like this
isn't hugely important to you?

Whatever makes you happy,
Bonnie.

It really doesn't matter to me.

Well, it matters to me
and I'm doing it.

Smooth.

Hey.

No time.

All you had to do
is say "hey" back.

I don't have time
for "Hey, hey."

My boss thinks 15 minutes
early is five minutes late,

and I still haven't finished
proofreading those contracts.

Ah. I would've read
those last night,

so I'd be prepared for work
and be able to give my mother

the cheery good morning
she deserves.

(sighs)

Veronica kept me
at the office till 2:00 a.m.

She never gets tired.

She's like a machine
that runs on yelling

and very expensive goat yogurt.

Well, whatever you do,

- just don't pull a Christy.
- What's that mean?

You know, try hard for a
little while and then quit.

How is that pulling a Christy?

I finished college,
I'm in law school,

- I work three...
- Oh, God, don't do the list.

- Hey!
- Hey! See?

There was time.

The point is
I am not gonna quit this.

She is a senior partner.

Her name is on the building.

If I do a good job,

maybe she hires me
when I graduate.

Before you know it, I'm a judge

and then eventually a
Supreme Court justice.

They seem okay with
alcoholics now,

so I could actually have a sh*t.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

(hoarsely):
Wow.

That was all kinds of bad idea.

Well, sorry, heart.

VERONICA:
Christy!

- Coming.
- Christy!

- Coming.
- Christy!

- Coming.
- Christy!

- Coming.
- What took you so long?

Uh, I was, uh... I'm sorry.
I had to adjust my skirt.

This zipper just wants
to be in the front.

I need you to confirm
my lunch at Malone's.

Also, pull the files

- on the Onyx Merger.
- (grunts)

I need you
to get my car detailed.

Don't take it to the
place I don't like.

Come on.

Pick up my prescription at the
pharmacy and get those cucumbers

out of my lemon water.
Malone's, Onyx,

cucumbers, prescription.
Schedule a

meeting for Thursday
with Thad Edwards.

Thad, Thursday.

Check the court calendar
to see which judge I landed

in the Higgins case.

If it's Barris, text me;
if it's Johnson,

file for an extension;
if it's Clarke, k*ll me now.

Can you just say all that again
into my phone?

No!

Got it.

Hi, Ken.

Oh.

Hello, young lady.

I've been waiting
for that all day.

Oh, look at those legs.

Mmm. All the way
to the floor.

Hey, hey.
You missed your chance.

I'm married now.

Ah, well, so am I.

Uh, it makes it more exciting.

NIKKI (in distance):
You know, I can hear you!

The only thing that still works
on her is the ears!

So, what you got?

Five shirts.

All right.
The last name Plunkett.

Actually, I'm on my way
to the Social Security office

where I will officially become
Bonnie Janikowski.

Sheesh.

So, J-A-N-E...

- No. J-A-N-I-K...
- L-Let's

- slow-slow down.
J-A-N-E...

No. J-N-I-K...

Wait. J-A-N-I-K...

Wait, are-are you sure
there's no "C"?

Well, now I'm not.
All right, uh, uh...

- Give me a pen. I got to write this down.
- All right.

Uh...

(grunts)
None of this looks right.

Okay, there.
I think that's it.

Oh. So there is a "C"?

Damn it, just leave it Plunkett.

No. Disabuse your
client of the notion

he is going to walk away
from this thing with anything

that even resembles a win.

It's over and everyone
knows it but you!

Hanging up!

(whispers):
Hang it up!

(phone beeps)

I love watching you work.

Ugh, well, that's creepy.
Take these.

Where is my prescription?

Oh, um, right here.

The pharmacist said
to take them with a...

Yeah, I know how to take them.
You want one? You want one.

What is it?

Adderall. We're all on it.

Get on it.
You're sluggish.

Oh. No, thank you,
but thank you, but no.

You sure?

Yeah.

Then get out!

- Get out!
- O-Okay.

Get out! Get out!
Okay.

- Okay.
- Get out!

Do I seem sluggish to you?

Uh, today or every day?

Eh, it doesn't matter.
Yes to both.

My boss and everyone else
in the building is on uppers,

which is not safe, or fair.

How am I supposed to compete?

Sounds like someone's
about to pull a Christy.

No, I'm not,
and stop calling it that.

- (phone rings)
- Hey, babe.

ADAM: I'm at the grocery store.
Do you need anything?

- I'm good.
- Ooh.

Can you get some strawberries
for my boss?

But not the big ones,
the little tiny sweet ones.

She had them
last spring in Capri,

and they were
apparently magical.

(chuckles):
I'll do my best.

You know he's just gonna
get you raspberries.

She's right.

How was the Social Security office,
Mrs. Janikowski?

It was great.

The line moved quickly,
there was ample parking,

and, uh, I made friends
with a woman from Kuala Lumpur.

Awesome. See you at home.

Bye. Love you.

Look at you,

changing your name legally
for once.

(exhales):
Yeah, I didn't do it.

What?

You just lied
to your brand-new husband?

I rescheduled, so technically

I just pre-told him
tomorrow's truth.

What about the woman
from Kuala Lumpur?

Well, it might happen.
I'm a friendly person.

Another lie. Why didn't you go?

Eh, it just didn't feel like
a good day to become Polish.

Bonnie, your turn to sweep.
I pass.

You can't pass.

It's a hard pass.

Fine, I'll do it.

What are you doing?

Sweeping.

Yeah, I have three maids.

I don't think so.

Who taught you how to do that,
a cartoon mouse?

What's wrong with
what I'm doing?

Oh, good Lord,
give me that broom.

(mouths)

(ringtone playing)

(groans) I hate her,
I hate her, I hate her.

Your mom's already
here. Who is it?

The other most toxic person
on the planet.

Hey, Veronica.
What can I do for you?

Uh-huh.

I am on it.

(groans)
I can't go to the bistro.

I got to go run an errand
for my boss.

She needs you to score
more pills?

No.

She needs pot.

Yes, that's right.
I am leaving an A.A. meeting

to go buy pot.

Seriously?

You know,
my guy Earl used to work

under the Third Street Bridge.

He'll hook you up pretty good
if he's still alive.

It's okay. She wants me to go
to her dispensary.

Ooh, I've never been to
one of those. I want to go!

- This'll be fun!
- I'll come, too.

Road trip!

Tammy, it's four blocks away.

Super short road trip!

She's in your car.

(door whooshes)

Why are we buying pot
in an Apple Store?

This is a lot different
than Earl's bridge.

I don't like it.
Where's the shame?

Where's the danger?

DJ:
Hi. I'm DJ.

How may I help you?

I have to buy pot for my friend.

Your "friend"?

Ladies, it's legal.

You can come out
from the shadows.

(door whooshes)

This place smells like
nursing school.

Like high school.

Her womb.

Let's not get too excited.

We're just here
for moral support.

Man, those are some fat buds.

That's Jolly Green Giant.

We grow it in-house.

It's a really nice
indica sativa hybrid,

about 30% THC.

Wow, we've come a long way from

"Here's what might
be weed in a bag."

Would you like to
meet the plants?

Ooh, I would like
to meet the plants.

I would like to do
terrible things to them.

We don't smoke.

Gotcha. Let me show
you the edibles.

Cookies, cereal, crackers,
pretzel bites, sodas.

This isn't fair.
They legalized pot

and put it in all
my favorite snacks!

Oh, honey, it doesn't matter
what it's in. It's...

(gasps) Holy crap,
it's in salad dressing!

Somebody physically restrain me.

I'm sure you get
this question all the time.

I'm sober. If I rub
this CBD oil on my husband

and I somehow...
ingest it,

is that technically a relapse

or just a great way
to handle my joint pain?

Uh, I've never gotten
that question before.

Not worth the risk. I'll stick
with whipped cream and Advil.

Okay, um, I need an eighth
of Laughing Buddha,

two packs of pre-rolled
Skywalker O.G.,

and breath strips.

Wait, I'm probably supposed
to get that from the pharmacy.


No, we have those here.
With pot in them?

I'm gonna saveyou some time.

Everything in this room
has pot in it. Including me.

What about this bag?

It's made of hemp.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

I want to buy that bag.
I'm allowed to buy that bag.

Oh, check it out.
This one's on sale.

Pot goes on sale?

I used to have to do things
to get a discount.

Fortunately,
Earl was not bad-looking.

For someone who slept
in a shopping cart.

Here you go.

Since you're
a first-time customer,

throw in some gummy bears
and lollipops.

And when you say
"gummy bears and lollipops..."

Yes, they have pot in them.

Son of a biscuit!

Mmm.

You're not a bowl of
marijuana-infused Cheerios,

but you're still pretty good.

That was fun,
but I'd never do it again.

They make it look all
happy-happy, joy-joy,

which makes it hard to remember
that for me

it led to
crappy-crappy, sad-sad.

Me, too.

And now that it's legal,
I can't go anywhere

without walking through a cloud
of that sweet, sweet odor.

It's true.
It's everywhere now.

So is alcohol.

Yeah, but I don't
walk down the sidewalk

and get a glass of wine
thrown in my face.

One time Jell-O, but to be fair,

I was... I was pretty mean
to that little boy.

Maybe you'll be a nicer person

when you become
Bonnie Janikowski.

Not likely.

Oh, yeah, you did that today.

No, she did not.

Oh. Oops, did I let that slip?

Why?

I don't, I don't know.

Something about it
didn't feel right.

Maybe it's 'cause you're so old.

What are you doing?

This is a violent woman
with a long reach.

I just mean
when a 25-year-old woman

changes her name,
it's no big deal.

But it's much harder for someone
in their twilight years.

Oh, just go on and hit her.
She's asking for it.

It kills me to say this,
but Wendy has a point.

I've been Bonnie Plunkett
my whole life.

And something's telling me
I should stay that way.

Mm. Honey, if you're
this conflicted,

you should talk to Adam.

Don't forget to tell him
you lied earlier.

Oops.

Why the hell
don't you just hyphenate?

Bonnie Plunkett-Janikowski?
What am I, the alphabet?

I just talked to
Thad's assistant Chad...

Yes, you heard that right.

Uh, they're running late,
so you have some time.

You're not yelling at me.
Are you okay?

Oh. Aren't you pretty.

What you got going on there?

I was feeling kind of tired,
so I took extra Adderall.

Then I felt jumpy,

so I ate a couple pot gummies.

Then I forgot I ate the gummies,
so I ate more gummies.

(laughing)

Chad and Thad... I just got that.

I may not be able
to handle this meeting.

Do you have makeup remover

or a hat with a veil?

This is my first gummy bear experience,
and it's not good.

Here are my takeaways.

A: Don't eat nine.

B: I'm gonna die.

Maybe I should
reschedule the meeting.

No. We need
this client because...

(whispers):
this firm is in trouble.

We are this close to bankruptcy,

and we just spent a lot of money
on new chairs.

It was so dumb.

Veronica, this is a classic

"too high slash panic att*ck"
situation.

Yep, yep, that feels right.

Open that window.
I want to jump out.

Look in my eyes
and repeat after me:

I am okay.

You are okay.

No, you are okay.

No, you are okay.

I am trying to get you
to say "I am okay."

But I am so not okay,
and I'll never be okay!

(sighs) All right!
I'm gonna have to slap you.

Do it!

Ugh! I can't!
I can't slap my boss!

Do it!

Say something mean.

Tell me
I'm a terrible assistant.

Tell you? I thought
you already knew.

Hey! That helped!

Let's go again!

I'm not high!

(groans)

Ah, damn it, you're home.

(door closes)

Oh, we're just telling
each other the truth now?

Okay, your hair is ridiculous.

No, I got you a gift, and I
wanted to surprise you with it.

And-and what-what's wrong
with my hair?

It looks like
it's trying to escape.

Give me my present.

I ordered us a new welcome mat
that says "The Janikowskis"

'cause that's who we are now.

That is...

so sweet.

Yeah.

And yet I feel
I don't deserve it.

Why not?

Because only one of us
is a Janikowski.

I didn't, uh, go to the
Social Security office.

You lied to me?

Well, I thought I was telling
you today's truth yesterday.

I-I can see why you're confused.

So... what happened?

I just have this little
voice saying, "Don't do it."

The-the thing is, I-I hated
being Bonnie Plunkett

for most of my life.

I was a drunk, a-a thief,
a terrible mother.

I-I felt worthless and broken.

But then I did all
this work on myself,

and I finally love
Bonnie Plunkett,

and I just, I'm not
ready to let her go.

Wow.

I had no idea you felt that way.

I didn't either.

I'm sorry. I know this
was important to you.

And don't say it wasn't,
because you clearly paid

for expedited shipping
on that welcome mat.

It was only three dollars more.

I... I just wanted
the whole world to know

that we're a family.

(groans softly)

Why would you say
something like that?

What?

So sweet.
Now I'm waffling again.

No, no, no, no, no,
don't waffle.

You finally love
Bonnie Plunkett,

and I've always loved
Bonnie Plunkett, so...

stay Bonnie Plunkett.

All right,
but I'm doing this for you.

And, hey, this doesn't mean
we can't have a welcome mat

that says "The Janikowskis."

At the very least,
you and Gus are Janikowskis.

Gus's last name is Wooferton.

Let's just put out the mat.
I'm sure he won't complain.

(chuckles)

"The Jackinowskis."

Everyone always wants
to put a "C" in it.

- Hey.
- Hey. How was work?

Excellent, thanks to you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I saved my boss's ass

when she got way too high
and freaked out.

You are really good at that.
Did you have to slap her?

Yep. But just like you,
she hit back.

But...

I sobered her up enough
for her meeting,

and now I get to go to court
with her tomorrow.

Mostly to carry her yogurt,
but still.

- Congratulations!
- (chuckles)

So now with the way
this turned out,

can sticking with it
and persevering

and getting huge
success be called...

Pulling a Bonnie Plunkett?
Yes, it can.
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