07x04 - Twirly Flippy Men and a Dirty Bird

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mom". Aired: September 2013 to present.*
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"Mom" follows the life of a single mother who, after dealing with her battle with alcoholism and drug abuse, decides to restart her life in Napa Valley, California, working as a waitress and attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
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07x04 - Twirly Flippy Men and a Dirty Bird

Post by bunniefuu »

Gus, give me five.

Give me five.

Your paw, my hand, make it happen.

Oh, come on.

I have seen you do it with other people.

Ah, damn it!

Ooh, Daddy's mad.

United front, right?

I'll remember this.

Did you eat the chocolate
out of my nightstand drawer?

Sorry. I have to get gas today;
I'll pick you up another one.

This isn't gas station chocolate.

It has hints of elderberry and sea salt.

It's 72% cacao.

You're so upset you don't
know how to pronounce it.

I love you, honey, but it's cocoa.

No, it's cacao, you hillbilly.

And I was savoring this
one square at a time.

You ripped through this
thing like Augustus Gloop.

Who?

The fat n*zi kid from Willy Wonka.

He was a n*zi?

If I wanted to share it,
I would have put it in the kitchen

where everything of mine gets eaten.

Stay out of my drawer.

Ah, I think you're overreacting.

Can I make you a cup of tea

or a nice comforting mug of hot "cacao"?

No.

Hey, Rudy, what are the specials?

Well, I'll tell you what's special.

A cheery hello from
my good friend Christy.

Oh, God, what do you want?

A wee favor-poo. Hmm?

I got a DUI. They suspended my
license, and so, get this:

I am legally required
to do that thing you do.

Cry myself to sleep?

I'm referring to your meetings
with the other drunkards.

I have to go to ten AA meetings
and get this card signed.

So, could you go to ten AA meetings

and get this card signed?

No. If you've been ordered to
go, you have to go.

All right. When are you picking me up?

Why do I have to pick you up?

Because I could go to jail,

and your livelihood depends on me.

God, no.

There's a meeting tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.

at the community center.

Oof. I do not like

any of those words.

There's another meeting at 3:00,

but I know people at that
one, so you have to be nice.

I'll have a couple of
cocktails beforehand, loosen up.

Yeah.

Why do you hate me?

It is pronounced "cacao."

What?

Yes, chocolate is made
from the cacao bean.

Marjorie, chocolate does
not come from a bean.

The point is, it's just stupid candy,

and he should get over it.

Does Adam really ask for that much?

Sexually?

Why would I be talking sexually?

You tell me. P.S., yes.

I'm just saying it might be
nice to respect his boundaries.

- Sexually?
- Goodbye.

Marjorie is really losing it. Big time.

She just threw a birthday
party for one of her cats.

I had to make a speech,
with no heads-up.

Pretty good cake, though.

Rudy, in here.

All the way. Come on.

Oof. Cloudy with a chance of su1c1de.

I told you to be nice.

Now shut up and sit down.

I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Cappuccino, bone dry,
one pump of vanilla.

- Hi, I'm Mary.
- No.

What a nightmare.

Ah, sorry about the Lorna Doones.
I didn't have time to bake.

I was busy planning a birthday party.

It's not that.

I'm babysitting Chef Rudy.

He got a DUI.

Court-ordered attendance?

And resenting every minute of it.

He doesn't care about getting sober.

It's just a waste of time.

Christy, if you change
your attitude about Rudy,

you could be the one
to help save his life.

Huh.

I never thought of making it about me.

Have I taught you nothing?

So... you got through
your first meeting.

I'm proud of you.

I know it's a lot.

Tell me how you're feeling.
There's no wrong answer.

One down, nine to go.

All right, let's hit it.

Wait. No. What's happening?

Who are these people?

It's Wendy and Jill.

They both shared at the meeting.

Yes. I'm still a-tingle. Hmm.

Why are they in the backseat
of your dreary economy car?

Christy, am I allowed to be mean to him?

No, he's a newcomer.

Damn it. Welcome.

So glad you're joining us.

After meetings we all go to
the bistro for coffee and pie.

I was not court-ordered
for coffee and pie.

Okay, then get an Uber.

Alas, I've been banned by Uber, Lyft,

and most gypsy cabs.

Apparently, there are
cameras everywhere now.

Ugh, tell me about it.

In the Neiman Marcus dressing room...

No, no. We're not going back and forth.

Again, welcome.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Literally, the last thing I said
to you was leave my stuff alone.

I was replacing your chocolate.

What the hell is that?

I think you mean "thank you."

This isn't even chocolate.

It's carob; it's-it's-it's
hippie chocolate.

Well, it's the only thing I could find

in Marjorie's purse.

By the way, she was
asking a lot of questions

about our sex life.

That is one dirty bird.

Look, I need to have something
around here that's just mine.

Where is this all coming from?

It never bothered you
before we were married.

Because I had my own apartment.

I had my own living room,
my own kitchen, my own bed.

Okay, we get it, guy,
you had a lot of stuff.

Now I'm down to a couple of drawers.

And my wife can't stay out of 'em.

Hey, hold up. You
rented out your apartment

so you could put more money
into a bar I can't drink in.

I put a cocktail on the
menu called The Bonnie.

Yeah. Don't think I didn't notice
the last ingredient was bitters.

See? See? See? This is what you do.

You change the subject.

We're talking about me
living in your house.

And I know it's your house
'cause none of me is in here.

Well, if you want any of you in here,

you better back it down a notch.

I think we both know
you'd cave before me.

Well, excuse me for being vital.

And you know damn well I
have to live in "my house"

because I'm the building manager.

Perhaps the real issue is why

are you so threatened by my career?

Your what?

Th-There it is. And you
wonder why we still march.

What are you doing?

You want space? Have the whole room.

Including your drawer.

I had so many opportunities
to get out of this.

No. No. No-no-no-no-no.

No! No!

No!

Off.

Off.

Just remember, I can fart, too.

Wendy, you're some kind of nurse, right?

Why are you all still surprised?

My neck is really stiff from last night.

Could you massage this?

Could you be nice to me?

Jill, could you massage this?

Feels weird rubbing somebody
who's never bought me jewelry.

You didn't have to sleep on the couch.

All you had to do was apologize to him.

Which is exactly why I
had to sleep on the couch.

Keep up with the story.

Look, Bonnie, Adam needs to
feel like it's his house, too.

Maybe if you let him bring
a few of his things over,

he'll relax and you can stop
stealing my pocketbook snacks.

Nope, nope, nope. Sorry, but I got

to overrule the Grand Poo-Bah here.

My ex tried to put one of
those tables in the living room

that have those twirly flippy
men on 'em, what do you call it?

Foosball? You got a Foosball table?

No, I do not.

Because marriage is all
about establishing dominance.

So is Foosball.

- Ugh.
- What?

Rudy on FaceTime.

Hmm. What?

I need you to drive me to the mall.

I'm desperate for underpants.

I see that.

Can you tilt the phone up?

- So be a lamb, pick me up in five.
- No.

I'm taking you to meetings, that's it.

Well, what am I to do, hitchhike?

My features are too delicate.

I would be ravaged by some trucker.

Well, after he's done with you,

tell him to drop you off at the mall.

Can you believe it?

He's being such a jerk about meetings,

and now he expects me
to be his chauffeur.

Well, in his defense, he's
being forced to go to AA.

That's never easy.

Even if you aren't dragged there,

that first meeting's tough.

I liked mine.

People were friendly. They
wanted to hear what I had to...

I was a wreck.

I started crying so hard,

some old coke came out of my nose.

Looked like tiny snowballs.

I just remember riding in on
that lawn mower and thinking,

"It's come to this."

say.

What are you talking about?

I was just trying to finish what I...

I tried to help Rudy. He's a lost cause.

What I had to say!

- Are you okay?
- No.

He doesn't sound like
a lost cause to me.

He sounds like a very lonely man.

Didn't even have someone
to take him to the mall.

Try to be patient with him.

Why would I reward him?

He just showed me his plums.

So, yea or nay on the mall?

'Cause I could use some new undies, too.

Today I had to wear
a pair of Marjorie's.

- What?
- I mean, not Marjorie's.

Someone else's.

- Hey, listen.
- What?

- Nothing!
- It's not gonna be nothing.

I've been thinking,

and I'm really sorry I blew off

what you were saying last night.

- Are you apologizing?
- Trying.

Can you at least come
closer so I can hear it?

Okay.

You did make a big
sacrifice moving in here

so I could keep this job.

Shutters open, please.

Where was I?

Moving in, keeping job...

Ah.

I want this house to be as
much yours as it is mine.

So how about you go over
to your storage locker

and bring back whatever would make it

feel more like home to you?


You were gonna say all
that from the other room?

I was gonna text, but my phone d*ed.

- Well, thank you.
- You're welcome.

- But... just curious...
- Oh my...

Yes?

Where did your uncharacteristic
selflessness come from?

Don't poke at it.

Just go round up your crap

and try to stick it
in places I can't see.

- I love you.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I used to jump through hoops

to justify in my mind

why I could keep drinking.

I thought, "I haven't been
drunk in front of my son,

"I haven't lost my job,

"I haven't wound up in jail,

"so it's not so bad.
I don't need to stop."

What I didn't realize then

was that I should be adding "yet"

to the end of all those sentences.

"I haven't lost my job yet.

I haven't been to jail yet."

I started doing things

that I swore I'd never do.

Things started happening

that I swore would never happen,

because of my drinking.

But instead of changing my ways,

I did what any good
alcoholic would do...

I just kept lowering the bar.

Finally, it couldn't get any lower.

When I got to these rooms,

my family wouldn't talk to me.

I had no friends.

I had no job.

I was homeless and living in a box.

And I had roommates.

To the newcomers,

your story may not look like mine.

But if you're here, I
would venture a guess

that things probably
aren't going so well.

And I want you to know

this program works

and your bottom is
whenever you stop digging.

Great share, Marjorie.

Really beautiful.

Generic trail mix?

Where the hell do you shop?

Thanks, Marjorie.

We have time for one more share.

Who would like to go?

Would you like to share?

A pint of vodka? Yes.

Are you crying?

Yeah.

Marjorie's share was really moving.

Yes.

Old lady had a sad tale.

Boo-hoo.

You didn't get anything out of that?

Only that she desperately
needs a new pantsuit.

I am so sick of you making
a joke out of this program.

That woman in the
pantsuit saved my life.

The "stale cookies" and
"bad coffee" saved my life.

Before AA,

I couldn't imagine getting
through a day without alcohol.

I needed it to have a conversation,

to open my mail, to live.

It was like air.

And the people in this program

showed me a new way to breathe.

You are saying a lot of boring things.

Can this count as a meeting?

- Get out.
- What?

You don't get to dump on people

who actually want to change their lives.

You can't leave me here.

We're in front of a
payday loan facility.

- Get out!
- Excuse me, I am your boss.

- No, you're not!
- Well, in my head, I am.

We have a wild show today...

Isn't today moving day?

Where's all your stuff?

You know, I thought about it.

And change is hard for you,

so I just brought a few
things to ease you in.

That is really sweet.

Ooh!

You brought the espresso maker.

Tiny cups of coffee
make me feel so fancy.

Ooh, and you brought your art books.

That table just got 100% smarter.

That's why I bought 'em.

Ooh. Sorry, babe.

This candle's really tacky.

It's yours.

Oh. That's right.

I sneezed on it at the store,
and they made me buy it.

So, that's it? That's nothing.

Check out the bedroom.

Oh, my God!

Did you bring your king-size bed?

I love that bed! It's
almost like you're snoring

in another room!

Aw.

A fish.

Yeah.

Because... ?

I found it in my storage.

I caught him off the
coast of Cabo with my dad.

With your dad.

It was our last fishing
trip before he d*ed.

Before he d*ed.

I know it may not be your thing,

but you'll get used to it.

I already am.

You know what, I'm gonna go
make a tiny cup of coffee.

I have a sudden urge to feel fancy.

Hey, boy.

- Welcome home.
- Son of a bitch.

What the hell?

Paul?

Paul, what's going on?

Did Rudy not show up?

And you tried to run
the kitchen by yourself?

It's okay. I'll go get
him, and you get cooking.

You can do it!

And you don't need this.

Drop it.

Drop it.

Wow, that's wet.

You're not my hooker.

No. She threw herself off a cliff.

Why aren't you at work?

Because I like to go
to work feeling good.

And so I did what I always do.

I had a very dry vodka martini
with two blue cheese olives.

But I didn't enjoy it,

and so I was forced to have a second.

And then a third,

waiting for the happy to arrive.
But it never did.

I hope you're satisfied.

You ruined drinking for me.

Drink, don't drink. I don't care.

Just go get dressed.

I ruined drinking.

You know, you could look down here.

If it's watching me, I'm watching it.
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