07x11 - One Tiny Incision and a Coffin Dress

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Miley, will you ever settle down?

CHRISTY: Mom!

But if you do, don't have children.

- You did it again.
- I'm gonna need more.

You used my shampoo

and then left it in my shower empty.

- (doorbell rings)
- (scoffs)

Now I got to wash my hair with dish soap

like an oil-spill duck.

Make sure you get under your wings.

Good morning. What are you doing here?

Okay, I don't even know where to begin.

CHRISTY: Tammy?

What's going on? Deal me in!

I have great news!

You guys know how my
father k*lled my mother,

and he went away for life, and
I grew up with no family, right?

How is that great?

I get a call today from
this woman who's like,

(deep voice): "Is
this Tammy Diffendorf?"

And I think it's a telemarketer
so I give her a blast

with the old air horn
I keep by the phone.

Ooh, I like that. Where
do you get one of those?

At the store, Mom, next to the shampoo.

Anyway, it was my aunt!

My long-lost,
never-knew-I-had-one aunt!

She didn't know about me either

'cause she cut ties with
my family, as family does.

If only.

Her name is "Cookie."

Not short for anything. That's her name.

And she's coming to meet me.

Where's Adam?

- He's sleeping.
- Adam!

I have an aunt!

So what do we know
about this Cookie anyway?

Only that she's from Santa Fe,
she's an interior decorator.

Oh, honey, maybe she can zhuzh
this place up a little bit.

You know, just because you
say it in a Southern accent

doesn't make it charming.

Bless your heart.

When I was a kid, I used to
wish I had a secret relative.

She'd fly in the bedroom window

and take me off to someplace
where the rent was paid.

You know, not all surprise
relatives are good news.

Next thing you know, they're
sleeping on your couch,

they're eating your food,

they're stealing your credit cards.

That was you, Mom.

And was it good news? No.

Was that a knock? I
thought I heard a knock.

Oh, you look so pretty!

I know.

Would it have k*lled you guys
to slap on a little rouge?

Honey, relax.

I can't. What if she doesn't like me?

Why wouldn't she like you?

Hello? I'm a convicted felon.

Oh, so is Martha Stewart,
and everybody loves her.

Let's just please not
talk about my past.

There's a time and a place for that,

and the time is never,
and the place is nowhere.

So, you know, don't talk about my past.

- (knocking)
- (gasps loudly)

Oh, that's her. (clears throat)

(whispers): Don't talk about my past.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I want to hug you!

I want to hug you!

(laughs)

You are Tammy, aren't you?

- I am!
- Yeah. Oh.

Oh. Oh, damn, you hug tight!

- You, too.
- (both laughing)

Come in. Come in, Aunt Cookie. Ooh.

- May I call you "Aunt Cookie"?
- Well, of course.

- (laughs)
- I'm your Aunt Cookie.

Oh.

- This is Christy, Bonnie,
- Hi.

Wendy, Marjorie...

- Jill!
- Jill. I'm sorry.

I'm a little nervous.

Um, everyone, this is my...

ALL: Aunt Cookie!

Look at this... a whole
room full of gorgeous women.

My hair usually looks
a little bit better,

but, uh, I recently
switched to Lemon Joy.

I don't know what that means.

So, how do you all know Tammy?

We don't know.

Bonnie and I were in
foster care together.

I got kicked out, became a drug addict,

went to prison, did my time,

but now I live with
Marjorie and her cats.

What part of her past weren't
we supposed to talk about?

COOKIE: Oh, Tammy.

- Foster care?
- Oh.

Oh, it breaks my heart.

Oh, if I'd known you existed, I...

I would have taken you in.

- And you were in foster care, too?
- Mm-hmm.

I would have taken you in, also.

Come on. Oh.

Who else had a rough childhood?

Come on.

Voila.

Now you have an open flow

to your entertainment area.

I just... I love it!

Don't you just love it?

I do. It's like a whole new room.

Ooh. Can you zhuzh up our house, too?

She's an interior
decorator, not a wizard.

It's good, but there's something...

not quite right.

Oh, yeah, I feel that, too.

- You don't feel anything.
- I do, too!

Aha. Wait for it.

(cat mews softly)

Perfect.

- You're a genius.
- Well...

You know, when I get
my contractor's license,

we could totally work together.

(gasps) We could call
it "Cookie and Milk."

Everyone would have to
start calling me "Milk,"

but I think it could work.

Well, as to that...

Or not. Am I going too
fast? I'm going too fast.

I've never had an aunt before.

Stupid Tammy! Don't call me "Milk"!

It's not that.

It's not that.

It's just that I don't know
how long I'll be able to work.

What are you talking about?

Your aesthetic is timeless.

Oh. Thank you, darling.

Full disclosure.

There is a reason

that I tracked you down.

I need... a kidney.

A kidney?

And there it is.

The doctor said that a family
member would be the best match.

So I went on social media to
try and track down your mother,

but, an old neighbor wrote

and said she'd passed, but
that she had a daughter.

You want my kidney?

"Want" is a strong word.

But I do need it.

- On the one hand, it's her aunt.
- Mm-hmm.

- On the other hand, she just met her.
- Mm-hmm.

On the other hand, it's someone's life.

(sighs)

- What?
- Would you do it for me?

What do you mean? (scoffs)

(scoffs)

I'm your mother!

I gave you every organ you have.

I'm just asking for one back.

My tiny kidney would
not last a day in you.

It'd be cowering behind your spleen,

searching for your colon,
knowing it was the only way out.

Well, for your information,

I would give you any organ of mine.

(snorts) After what
you put them through?

I'd be better off
taking a kidney from Gus.

Oh, don't worry. Not yet.

I just don't want anyone
taking advantage of Tammy.

And aren't there people who
donate organs after they're dead?

Why can't Cookie nab one of those?

She said it's like an
eight-year waiting list.

Well, that's on her.
She should have gotten on the list sooner.

In fact, we should get ourselves
on those lists right now.

You have to be sick first.

- Says who?
- Says everybody!

You can't get in line for a
kidney when you don't need one.

I disagree.

There's nothing to disagree with.

It's just a fact.

Oh, sweetie. (chuckles)

So naive.

Where would you even put it?

You think this is just for ice cream?

So which way are you leaning?

I don't know. I'm really confused.

This is like the finale
of The Bachelorette.

What's she gonna do?

Pick the ex-football
player with the mood swings,

or the guy who's only doing the show

to convince his mom he's not gay?

Wow. Won't even give me your pickle.

Tammy, the surgery's
really not that scary.

They make one tiny incision and then...

(clicks tongue) yank out the kidney.

Um, that sounds scary
as hell to me. Hard no.

One tiny incision and...
(clicks tongue) yank?

(laughs)

Why couldn't I do that with you?

Then my hoo-ha would
have remained pristine.

Oh, yeah, it was a real crystal palace

till I elbowed my way out of there.

Hey, Wendy, can you
still live a normal life

with just one kidney?

Like, can I still play Frisbee?

Of course you can.

Right away? Like, the next day?

When did Frisbee become so important?

I just want to know what I'm in for.

All the donors I've met feel
really good about it after.

Of course, they're still on morphine.

(laughs) There's a reason to do it.

(laughs)

You don't have to.

You don't even know this woman.

So what? It's about saving a life.

That's true.

I got to tell you, all
of this inspired me.

So, I did a little research,

and I've decided I'm
going to go down to the DMV

and register to be an organ donor.

Dear Lord, I'd rather give
a kidney than go to the DMV.

(chuckles)

Really? You'll donate
your organs to strangers,

but you won't give one to me?

Look at me.

Look at me when I'm
making you feel guilty.

I feel nothing.

- Christy, I'm an organ donor.
- Me, too.

Oh, yeah, you're all heroes.

They're not gonna harvest your
tenders till after you're dead.

Cookie's gunning for hers right now.

I just found out I have an
aunt. I don't want to lose her.

Besides, this is what you do for family.

You'd think.

Still feel nothing.

You know, I'm gonna get
tested and see if I'm a match.

Good for you, honey.

So, Jill, do you want
to join me at the DMV?

It's in the nicest part
of the bad part of town.

Fine, I'll donate my organs.

At least I'll be thinner
in my coffin dress.

And there's the bright side.

You are so wonderful to do this.

You know, once we're healed,

I am taking you to Paris.

We are gonna show these
kidneys the time of their lives.

Paris? I've always
wanted to go to Paris.

And also Schenectady,
'cause it's fun to say.

But Paris more.

Do you know that the word
for "kidney" in French

is Le rein?

- (chuckles)
- Isn't that more elegant than "kidney"?

Before you start buying berets,

she's just being tested
to see if she's a match.

- Oh.
- Tammy Diffendorf?

- This is it.
- Mm-hmm.

All right, you're a
match, you're a match.

- I'm a match. I'm a match.
- You're a match.

- Visualize being a match.
- Okay.

- Okay, Cookie.
- Yes!

Le rein it in.

(exhales)

Oh. You are a doll to come
in here and support her.

Well, Tammy and I have
been through a lot together.

She's like a sister to me.

Well, you're lucky.

I could never get along with mine.

Why?

Well, we are separated by six years.

Soon as I was old enough,
I got the hell out of there.

Our parents were terrible people.

They were always drinking and
fighting and getting loaded.

Family's tricky.

My daughter left when she was 15,

came back when she was 16,
got pregnant when she was 17.

I think I got that right...
I was high through most of it.

Well, you seem to have a
very special relationship.

How did she come in to all that money?

Oh, no, no. Th-That's Jill.

My daughter's Christy.

Oh.

Oh, yes, well...

Yeah, that makes more sense.

Well, but good for you
for having made it work.

I never could.

When my sister got pregnant with Tammy,

she wanted me to come home.

There was no way I was going back there.

Wait a minute. You knew
your sister was pregnant?

Huh?

Because you told Tammy you
didn't know she existed.

Well... I didn't.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
something's wrong here.

Everything's fine.

How would you like to go
with us on a trip to Paris?

- You are not giving that liar a kidney.
- Uh, what liar?

No, no, Tammy,
sweetheart, I can explain.

- That liar.
- What's going on? What's happening?

She knew about you all the
time but pretended she didn't

so she could strip you for parts.

Well, you are certainly
putting a negative spin on it.

Is it true?

Is it true?

Look, you have to understand,

wh-when your mom d*ed, I was young,

I had a dream...

Yeah, and adopting you
would have gotten in her way.

So you knew about me all along,

and you still let me get
thrown into the system?

Bouncing from house to house?

Foster parents who didn't care about me?

Yeah, and don't forget people like
me who introduced you to dr*gs.

That's right, I did that.

Aren't we forgetting the big picture?

We found each other.

I'm here for you now.

So why don't we just...

stick these back on

and laugh about this all
the way back to gay Paree!

I can't even look at you.

Tammy.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You just k*lled me.

Boy, if I had a nickel for
every time I heard that.

I'm sorry, Tammy.
I hope I did the right thing.

Of course you did. She was playing me.

I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not. You
are sweet and generous

and trusting.

$26, please.

Are you kidding me? She
didn't even get the test.

The aunt lied to her.

I have seven bucks. You
can either take this,

or I'm gonna drive
through the stick thing.

Ma'am, I can't let you...

Open it!

That's good.

Let it all out.

Hey! I kind of like that!

It went with the... okay.

You were pretty quiet on the ride home.

There's nothing to say.

Help me move this furniture.

I want everything back the way it was.

- But the flow...
- Don't care!

I hate her so much.

I will never forgive her.

Oh, I felt the same way about my mom.

I spent my life holding on to
that anger and resentment...

Drinking over it, ruining relationships,

pushing people away.

Wait, if you say that I'm
not allowed to be angry...

No. You are so allowed to be angry.

Feel all those feelings.

Because you got to go through
them to get to the other side.

And you're gonna do it
so much better than I did,

because you're gonna get to do it sober.

(groans)

I just... I hate my life right now.

I get it.

But someday you're gonna realize

that everything that's happened to you

happened exactly the
way it was supposed to.

I was supposed to have an
aunt who screwed me over?

Yep. Just like I was
supposed to have a mom

who dumped me at a fire station.

Without that, I wouldn't
have... had Christy,

met Adam, or have you in my life.

And my life is so much
better with you in it.

Thanks, Bonnie.

(takes deep breath)

Something still isn't quite right.

Perfect.

I'm so glad you talked me into this.

Yeah. It feels good to be a good person,

even if I won't be good
till after I'm dead.

I hope somebody pretty gets my eyes.

What am I saying?

If they get my eyes,
they will be pretty.

It's a damn shame I
can't donate my nose.

Or your ego.

I heard that.

Oops.

Well, I'm gonna go turn mine in.

(gasps)

Wait, I just had a terrible thought.

What if I get in a car crash
with somebody who's not a donor

and the paramedics can
only save one of us?

Of course they're gonna let me die

so they can fill up their organ cooler.

Oh, yeah, Jill.

They're gonna let you die

because you're donating your organs.

(exhales) You're right, you're right.

Last-minute jitters, just
had to say it out loud.

Okay, see you outside.

Nope.

I was surprised you wanted to see me.

Yeah. Me, too.

Look, for what it's worth, I...

I know what I did was wrong.

And after these last few
days, getting to know you, I...

I wish we had been part
of each other's lives.

I'm giving you my kidney.

What?

Really?

You are the most...

magnificent, generous woman

I have ever had the privilege to meet.

Stop.

I'm just getting tested.

But if it's a match, it's yours.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And-and after...

after we've recovered,

we are going to Paris.

I meant what I said.

I want to be part of your life.

I'm not going to Paris with you.

Hawaii?

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Oh.

And we're not gonna be family.

I have a family.

I mean, I'm not related to them, but...

they've always been there for me

and I know they always will be.

Why are you doing this for me?

I'm not doing it for you.

I'm just saving a life.

Look at me, I'm
officially an organ donor.

Got my donor dot on my driver's license.

Now I'm beautiful outside and in.

Well, we're having a blood
drive at the hospital next week.

For God's sake, Wendy, I need my blood.

Hey! There's my organ buddy.

Christy, show everybody your donor dot!

(phone rings)

It's the doctor's office.

Hello. Uh huh.

Uh-huh.

Son of a bitch.

She's a match.