07x16 - Judy Garland and a Sexy Troll Doll

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys, check it out.

"Wendy Harris, Nurse Supervisor."

You got a promotion?

Your last name is Harris?

I'm so happy, I'm not even
gonna let that bother me.

- Aw, good for you.
- CHRISTY: Congratulations!

You work so hard, you deserve this.

Are you being sarcastic?

Not at all.

In fact, I would like to propose a toast

- to our dear friend...
- Please don't ruin this for me.

I'm being sincere.

Are you?

Yes!

I'm genuinely proud of her.

Mom, stop. You're not fooling us.

Fine. It was exhausting, anyway.

Well, now this is
officially a celebration.

Order whatever you want. It's on us.

Thanks, I'm just gonna have soup.

Soup? I say go big or go home.
Get the sicken cheeser.

What's a sicken cheeser?

(groans) I meant the chicken Caesar.

Damn it, I keep flipping my words.

I know... you did it twice
during your share today.

You sounded cricken frazy.

I don't know what's going on.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm not sleeping.

Is that 'cause you and Andy
are "takin' care of bidness"?

No, it's 'cause no matter
how low I set the thermostat,

I still wake up like I
just walked out of a sauna.

From "takin' care of bidness"?

Sweetie? Watch some p*rn or something.

I do. It doesn't help.

Have you seen your doctor?
Maybe you're in perimenopause.

Maybe you are, bitch.

Sorry. I've also been irritable.

You know, I usually have nothing
but love for you in my heart,

but calling Wendy a
"B" on her special "D"

is totally "NC."

Not Cool.

You're right. Let me make it up to you.

After the meeting this Friday,

I'll take us all to my club for lunch.

Awww, thanks, Jill. That's so nice of you.

And for what's it's worth,

I still think going to
your doctor is a good idea.

Well, keep it to yourself,
you toothless old dragon.

I'm... I'm gonna call my doctor now.

Yeah.

I've never been to a
country club before.

I mean, once I ran naked
across a golf course.

It's so much further than
you think it's gonna be.

Hi. My name is Bonnie,
and I look fabulous.

Hi. My name is Christy, and...

yeah...

(others laughing)

Hey, did you guys check
out the menu for the club?

We looked it up online.

Lot of shellfish.

You know that rib-eye for two?

If I get it for myself,
would you guys judge me?

Well, I hope you're happy.
I just went to my doctor,

and it turns out I
am in peri-meni-pause.

Peri-meno-pause.

Do not correct a woman
in peri-meni-pause.

Oh, uh, look, honey,
we all go through it.

It's natural.

Since when do I care about natural?

I have worked so hard to stay sober

so that I can be in control
of what I say and what I do

and what I throw across the room.

And now, just when I'm feeling
like I got it all together,

my hormones are like, "Screw
you! I'm your higher power now!"

I'm not sure if I went
through perimenopause.

I was in prison at the time.

Everyone was hot, cranky
and throwin' stuff.

And by "stuff," I mean people.

The doctor said this
could last a decade.

A decade!

We're moving.

Well, it's usually
much shorter than that.

I had a few mild symptoms
and then boom, over.

And I've really felt like I
was in my power ever since.

Plus, no more condoms.

Oh, good. Remind me
that my baby-maker's

going out of business.

Right when I finally have a guy

I might actually want
to make a baby with.

Sorry, could you repeat
what you just said?

'Cause I went deaf when
Marjorie said "condoms."

♪ ♪

Are you sure we can't sit
down, maybe get started

with a little pickle plate or something?

As I told you before,
I can't seat your party

until the club member arrives.

And as I told you before,

okay, we'll be right over there.

Christy, you've been kind of quiet.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just got some bad news.

I don't want to make it about me.

- It's Wendy's day.
- Wait for it.

It's just, I didn't get
picked for moot court.

- What's that?
- They make believe they're lawyers.

How am I ever gonna be
taken seriously as a lawyer

if I can't even make moot court

at a law school next to a car wash?

I don't know where I went wrong.

I put my name in early, I
sucked up to the professors,

and I can see you in the mirror!

And I see you, too. Hi.

(phone chimes twice)

It's Jill.

She's not coming.

- Seriously?
- What?! - Aw.

She is, and I quote,

"going home to have
Andy put a baby in it."

What about our lunch?

She says she'll make it up to you.

Well, now you've already
seen me in this dress.

It's my first time wearing coral.

Hang on.

Hello, sir.

Would you like to have lunch
with five beautiful women?

There won't be a big bar bill!

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hi. What are you doing home?

I thought you were having
a big lunch for Christy.

- Wendy.
- They all kind of blend.

By the way, thanks for always having

bread and ham in your house.

- Oh, it's 'cause I love you.
- Oh.

You know, if you really love me,

you could spring for some
Miracle Whip. I know...

Girls hate it, but guys love it.

Sure. And in return, can we make a baby?

I know. Guys hate it, but girls love it.

Wha... uh... (clears throat)

What?

Here's the thing.

- What?
- Well...

it's just that we have been
together for almost a year now,

and I'm not getting any
younger, so, you know... baby.

I'm gonna sit down for a second.

- Is that a no?
- No, you know, it's just

I-I came here to make
lunch... had a little bit

of an issue with the sandwich spread.

That was gonna be my...

big dilemma o' the day.

Well, now it's: should we or
shouldn't we make a person.

What do you think?

Jill, I, um...

I'm sorry, I-I didn't see
this coming on so quick.

You know how on our first date,

you said, "What are you,
like, 35?" and I just smiled?

I'm 40.

And 18 months.

Okay.

(sighs) But I think I'd be a great mom.

And I know you'd be a great dad.

I mean, you're so strong.

Just think how high
you could toss a baby.

I would never toss a baby.

Look at you. You passed the test!

Let's get to breedin'.

Okay, uh, listen...

babe, I-I get that
your clock is ticking,

but I'm-I'm just...

(sighs)

I'm not sure that we're...

there yet.

Oh.

You're right.

You're right. Forget I brought it up.

(grandfather clock chiming the hour)

That's not you, is it?

♪ ♪

What?

Nothing. I just love

the one night a week the bar is closed

and we get to go to
bed at the same time.

Me, too. I get to read a little.

Oh, wait, was that code? 'Cause
if it's code, just say so.

No, no code.

Just as well.

This book is about to unlock the mystery

of compound interest for me.

Can you rub some lotion on my back?

Uh, sure. Wait, is this code?

- Nothing is code.
- Oh, okay.

Do you ever wonder what it
would be like if we'd a kid?

(exhales) We'd be in The
Guinness Book of World Records,

- so that'd be sweet.
- (chuckles)

I mean if we'd met during
our childbearing years.

Yeah, I guess it's crossed my mind.

We'd be the coolest parents.

And as a result, our
kid would be spectacular.

He'd probably be tall, which is great.

"He." I like that.

I already ruined a she.

He'd be funny.

- He'd be outgoing.
- Mm.

He'd have the hair of a sexy Troll doll.

And I guess he'd say what he
thinks whenever he felt like it

no matter how hurtful.

And I guess he'd also
be super sensitive.

Which is better than him
being super insensitive.

Well, he'd also be passive-aggressive.

And likely have addiction issues.

And be in a wheelchair.

Yeah, snowboarding off
a cliff isn't hereditary.

Is always needing to
feel right hereditary?

If it is, our kid is doomed.

Yeah, I'm starting to not like our son.

Yeah, he does sound
like a bit of a douche.

But I'll tell you one
thing: with you as a father,

he'd be gorgeous.

(chuckles): Thanks.

What are you doing? That was code.

Wha... ? Oh.

How was school?

Did you ask your professor

why you didn't get
chosen for mute court?

Moot court, and I don't
want to talk about it.

- Okay.
- Really?

You're walking away?

That was clearly a cry for help.

(knocking on door)

So, you-you want to talk about it?

Oh, my God, no.

Exciting news, people.

Andy put a baby in it?

Not yet and maybe not
soon and maybe not ever,

so I'm gonna freeze my eggs.

Good for you, taking
matters into your own hands.

Exactly. (clears throat)

Freezing eggs is like freezing time.

I can thaw them out, hit
them with a dash of sperm

and use them whenever I'm ready.

Isn't that really expensive?

Yeah, well, I thought so, too,
but it's only $30,000.

I've already been to the doctor.

I have to take a series
of these fertility sh*ts

to get me all eggy,

but I need a partner to
help me with the injections.

So, Christy,

would you be my partner?

- I'd love to.
- Great!

Doctor said you should
practice on a grapefruit.

So here you go.

Yay!

Homework that's easy!

Isn't this something
your boyfriend should do?

No, I decided not to tell him.

I don't want him to think I'm
obsessed with having a child.

What do you think of the name Pearl?

Hate. Second grade,
Pearl Fleming cut off my pigtail.

And you did nothing to deserve that?

Fine. Name your baby Pearl,

but we will have a
complicated relationship.

Thanks for doing this.

What about Wendy? She's a nurse.

Mom, I finally got picked for something.

Let me have this.

- Ready?
- Mm.

Did you practice?

Every grapefruit in our
house is ready to give birth.

Okay.

- What's that?
- An alcohol wipe.

Ooh, alcohol. Should we call Marjorie?

Just don't put it in
a glass with an olive,

and we'll be fine.

(mutters) (whimpers)

What?

I have an intense fear of needles.

Which is why I became an alcoholic,

even though heroin has less calories.

- Just breathe.
- (inhales, exhales)

Now, I'm supposed to inject
you two inches under your navel

by pinching a small section of your fat.

'Kay.

All right, stop flexing.

- Sorry.
- (groans)

There's not much to work with here.

I will pass that compliment
on to my trainers,

Alfonso and Katya.

Ooh!

Calm down. Focus on the fact

that you're lucky enough
to be able to do this,

'cause not everyone can.

Wait a minute.

Do you want to do this?

Me?

I don't know. Doesn't matter.
I could never afford it.

Christy, you're like a sister to me.

If you want to freeze
your eggs, I'll pay for it.

You would?

Yeah, we could go through this together.

You would give me $30,000?

Well, I wouldn't give it to you,

because of, you know,
your gambling history,

but I would give it to the egg people.

That's so incredibly generous.

Okay.

Give me the sh*t.

- (exhales)
- I already did.

When you offered me the money,

I flinched and it slid right in.

Wow.

Well, that didn't hurt at all.

I hope the baby pops out that easy.

Oh, don't worry. They do.

This grilled cheese is delicious.

I went crazy and mixed
cheddar with American.

Two kinds of cheese.

Did you run into some
money I didn't know about?

(door closes)

I am gonna be up all night.

What's wrong?

Jill said if I wanted to freeze my eggs,

she'd pay for it.

Y-You want to freeze your eggs?

I don't know. (exhales)

I mean, it's kind of invasive.

They put a needle in your vag*na.

Okay.

I'm gonna take Gus for a walk.

Come on!

Would you want to have another kid?

I wouldn't mind a chance to do it sober.

Remembering Christmas concerts,

showing up for soccer games,

keeping my clothes on in the ball pit

at Chuck E. Cheese.

Hey, anyone who doesn't
think about getting naked

in one of those things
is lying to themselves.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

(sighs) I guess if I'm
gonna harvest my eggs,

I should do it now.

My period has been
extremely irregular lately.

ADAM: Hang on, please!
Just looking for the leash!

And when my period does come,

the flow is like Niagara Falls!

Just whoosh!

ADAM: I don't need Gus!
I'm just leaving!

(door closes)

Hmm?

Do you think it's a terrible idea?

If you want to do it, I'm all in.

- Seriously?
- Yeah. Just put your eggs on ice.

And then, after law
school, we'll get Jill

to buy you some Olympic sperm,

and we'll raise a super baby.

Okay.

Okay, let's do this.

But I wouldn't want to do
it right after law school,

'cause, you know, I'll
want to give myself

a couple years to get established.

So in five years?

I might want to try and go for partner,

so I may need nine.

Okay, great. So...

when the kid graduates high
school, you'll be, uh...

(exhales) 68.

And if my math is correct, I'll be...

(sighs) 67.

Mm, but are you sure?

Because it sounds like you
don't want to have a baby...

You want to have a career.

Well, then why am I
considering having a baby?

Because you didn't get into moot court.

That's ridiculous.

(scoffs softly) Wait for it.

Oh. Damn, there's no one here.

Oh, my God.

I was totally about to have a baby

because I didn't get a part

in what is basically
the law school play.

Hey, I had you because I needed
a ride home from a flea market.

JILL: Natalie!

In here!

Do you like this dress?

- Tell me the truth.
- I love it.

Are you sure?

'Cause I'm so hopped up on hormones,

I don't know who I am anymore.

It's more flowers than usual.

You hate it.

I look like a funeral
wreath for a drag queen.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
You really pull it off.

I think so.

How many more of these
sh*ts are you getting?

Oh, only two to go.

Thank God.

Wow! Look at you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Good luck.

- You all right?
- Yeah. Why?

Well, this week has been a little...

"I'm dating Judy Garland."

Hey, you made me watch that movie.

You think I'm crazy?

(chuckles): No.

No. No, if anything,

I think that, not unlike Ms. Garland,

you're-you're under a lot of stress

that the-the world doesn't know about.

Man, that movie really
had an impact on me.

I'm freezing my eggs.

What?

I'm jammed full of hormones,

and I'm out of my ever-lovin' mind.

Oh.

Honey, why would you keep that a secret?

'Cause I thought if I told you,

you'd feel like I was
trying to push a kid on you,

you'd dump me... and then I'd be
sitting here with no boyfriend,

no baby and a fridge
full of Miracle Whip.

Okay. Um... (clears throat)

I'm gonna have to be extremely
careful with what I say here.

I love you.

Yeah, that's good.

Um...

I was just... surprised.

You know, the-the baby stuff just...

caught me a little off guard.

- I know. I'm so sorry.
- No, it's okay.

I see that this is huge for you.

You do?

'Cause I was trying to hide it.

And you were doing a masterful job.

Now, look,

I can admit that I'm...

probably not ready to be a father.

But... when I picture my future,

you're in it.

I just want to... take our time,

make sure that we get it right.

So you're fine with this
whole freezing eggs thing?

Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

- I love you.
- (chuckles)

(chuckles)

I don't have to freeze anything, do I?

No.

Your stuff has the shelf
life of a Twinkie. Oh.

Great.

(soothing music playing)

You know, when I heard "sugar scrub,"

I thought it was crazy.

But I am clean, I am relaxed

and I taste like an Abba-Zaba bar.

Jill, this is a great way to
celebrate Wendy's promotion.

Eh, too bad we all thought

it was somebody else's
job to invite her.

I'll make it up to her.

I would like to be a
part of whatever that is.

I'm just gonna say two words.

Disney cruise.

(phone rings)

It's my fertility doctor.

(exhales)

Hi, Dr. Dubois.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Thanks for letting me know.

Bye-bye.

So?

What's our egg count?

- Zero.
- What?

None of them were viable.

CHRISTY: Oh.

Jill, I'm sorry.

"Are you okay?" is a
stupid question, but...

are you?

I don't know.

I mean, I have come at this baby thing

from so many different angles,

and it's just not happening.

But you can try again.

Maybe.

You want to go home?

No.

(voice breaking): I just
want to be with my friends.