07x19 - Texas Pete and a Parking Lot Carnival

[bunniefuu]

(doorbell rings)

How you doing?

Bonnie, come in.

Buenos d?as, Marta.

Gracias.

I don't think she trusts me yet,

but we are gonna get there.

Were you by any chance your
own lawyer in the divorce?

Well, the divorce isn't final,

but my nuts are in the vice
and the wheel is turning.

But, uh, make yourself to home.

Let's cr*ck open that brain.

You seem to be in an awfully good mood,

given you... live here.

I'm streamlining my life.

Low drag, high performance.

Even got rid of my car.

How are you getting around?

You see that little scooter outside?

I thought you said her name was Marta.

(laughing)

Delightful. (chuckles)

Oh, how I've missed you.

No, I got an electric scooter.

It's all the transportation I need.

So you're planning on dying alone?

Again, zing! (laughs)

No. Bottom line, I've
realized that happiness

isn't about having stuff.

It's about not living with
a woman who hates your guts.

But enough Trevor, let's get
to the Bonnie of it all.

Well, I went to the doctor

and got some pretty terrible news.

Turns out I'm half an inch
shorter than I used to be.

Just from aging, I guess.

- Oh, that's no big deal.
- Are you kidding me?

My height is 75% of my personality.

I always tell people I'm
five-foot-12, that's my joke.

What's funny about
five-11-and-a-half?

Looks like you're downsizing, too.

(chuckling)

You know, I don't find you
as delightful as you find me.

(children squealing, splashing in pool)

You hear that, too, right?

That's the Little Minnow
Swim School next door.

It's a beautiful sound,
isn't it? (chuckles)

They're still so full of wonder.

Are you on medication?

Little bit.

The only good news is now I know

Trevor's not a registered sex offender.

I mean, they'd never
let him live that close

to a swim school.

Was this a real concern?

I'm trying to make lemonade, Christy.

I'm worried about the guy.

I'm worried about my therapist.

Is that the way it's supposed to work?

Nope. The minute you start
worrying about your therapist

or hairdresser, it's time to move on.

I'm just impressed to see you
genuinely care about someone.

Right? My empathy is
off the charts lately.

Maybe I have a brain tumor.

Look, if Trevor's interested,

I could try to soundproof his place.

You know, acoustic panels,
that sort of thing. Caulk.

What'd you say?

Caulk. Caulk, with an "L."

Oh, God, I'm lonely.

Ah, look, Marjorie's here.

Ah, let's focus on Marjorie.

Hey, so, did you get the job?

No. Turns out I'm not Teen Gap material.

I'm so sorry, Marjorie.

Wow. I really meant that.

I should get an MRI.

As a nurse, I think you're okay.

Why didn't they hire you?

Yeah, same reason every
other store in the mall

didn't hire me.

'Cause you're so old?

Because of my criminal record.

'Cause it goes back so far on
account of you being so old?

Well, why are you telling
'em about your record?

'Cause it's a question
on the application,

and I don't want to lie.

Oh, come on. The only time you don't lie

is if they ask your weight
when you're bungee jumping.

Oh, my poor friend Karen,
may she rest in peace.

I might be able to help you
get your record expunged.

What kind of charges are we looking at?

You all know I robbed a bank.

Okay. A federal offense.

I do like a challenge.

And then there was the
arson, the counterfeit money,

and the countless b*mb threats.

It was a different time,

and our cause was just.

Wait, you can disarm a b*mb?

'Cause that's a job.

What do you think, counselor?

Get that done by the end of the week?

Yeah. It might take a decade or two.

Which Marjorie doesn't have,
'cause, well, you-you know why.

(mouths)

I need a job now.

Are you open to
transporting medical waste?

There's a small chance of infection,

but it pays okay, and they let
you keep the safety goggles.

How about food delivery?

Everybody that brings me my sushi

looks like they just got out of prison.

That was a popular job
at the parole office,

along with welding,
ditch-digging, and, of course,

ticket-taker at a parking lot carnival.

What am I saying? You
can't travel with the cats.

(laughing)

I could put some acoustic
panels on this wall,

not very expensive.

Although the kids are
pretty quiet right now.

They're on juice
break. Give it a minute.

When the sugar kicks in,
it's Black Friday at Walmart.

And I could put some
shelves on that wall.

It might make the place a
little less... hang yourself-y?

It is a tad spartan.

You know, what would warm it up

is some pictures of friends and family.

- I need to get some of those.
- Pictures?

Friends and family. (chuckles)

That can't be true.

Sandra got 'em all in the breakup.

How does my mother take
her side? (chuckles)

Sorry.

That's a kick in the Chiclets.

You don't have any guy friends?

Not really. I tried to chat up
the fellas in the scooter store,

but they're pretty cliquey.

Oh, come on.

Well, look, I-I work from home.

I mean, the only people I
see all day are my clients,

and it's not like I
can socialize with them.

I mean, they're crazy.

I don't know, man. It sounds
a little like excuse-making.

That's what Sandra used to say.

Also, "Why can't you be more present?"

I sit and listen to people's
problems all day long,

and then I'm supposed to listen to hers?

I'm sorry, Sandra, but I'm tapped out!

Hey... oh!

Are you okay?

No, I am not okay.

You have no idea how
bad this carpet smells.

How'd it go with Trevor? You gonna

- do some work for him?
- I think so.

Did he talk about me? He's not supposed
to talk about me. What did he say?

He pretty much just
talked about himself.

Wow. Secret life of Trevor,
even better. Spill it.

No. I don't think I should do that.

Oh, come on. I got to
have something to ponder

while Wendy's sharing.

- Honey, I can't tell you that.
- Why not?

It would be a total breach
of carpenter-client privilege.

Damn it, you're right.

Guess who starts delivering food
tomorrow for the Hunan Palace.

- Yay!
- Congratulations!

They didn't even ask my name.

Just wanted to know if I had a car.

So everybody order food tomorrow,

because I want to get a
good rating on the Yelp.

Totally not what that is

or how it works.

But let's all get together and order.

Chinese food is better when you share.

It's true. Can't get moo shu for one.

Sure, you can.

You can.

Buenas noches, Marta.

Hola, Tammy.

Is he home?

Is everything all right?

Trevor?

Hey, buddy.

What's going on?

Hello.

Well, if it's cool with you,

I'm gonna turn a light on, all right?

One, two, here she comes.

(shuddering)

What the hell happened?

My scooter couldn't take the hill.

I fell over and I got chased by a dog.

I ran past those cliquey scooter guys,

but they didn't help.

You got any Bactine
to take the sting out?

The sting is the only thing

that lets me know I'm still alive.

Right. Uh, okay, super exciting.

The panels come in cloud,

bone and ecru.

I think I should live
on Guernsey Island.

It's in the middle of
the English Channel.

I could raise tomatoes and
wear a thick woolen sweater.

That sounds real nice.

Hey, Bonnie, you super busy right now?

So I figure, why am I not smoking?

I mean, I could go out
like Harry Dean Stanton.

How long has he been in this state?

A while. He checked the
price of tomatoes online,

and then it was "Katy, bar the door."

Okay. Trevor.

Let's take a breath here.

Did you ever stop to think

that maybe all these
things happen for a reason?

That you're exactly where
you're supposed to be?

I'm supposed to have no
love, no reason to live?

I was supposed to fall off my scooter

and get chased through
some sticker bushes

by a Schnoodle?

Schnauzer-poodle, not
typically aggressive.

This is a journey.

You're just... you're just...

I don't know, I'm tapping out.

- Tammy, program stuff, go.
- Oh, uh, okay, um, ooh!

Uh, do you have a roof over your head?

It leaks.

Do you have food in your refrigerator?

No. I was heading to
the grocery store when...

Well, you know the whole scooter story.

(crying)

Okay, Trevor, I have had
it with this pity party.

(grunts)

That was my sore ear!

(crying)

Should I hit him again?

Maybe try the other side.

(crying)

Marjorie really should've
been here by now.

I'm getting a little worried.

Well, I'm getting a lot hungry.

I may lash out for no reason.

Well, wouldn't the reason
be because you're Hun... ?

Shut up!

All right, I've got a
three-pound cowboy rib-eye

that can feed me and... one of you.

We ordered Chinese.

Yeah, we're supporting Marjorie.

(whispers): I'm in.

Let's check on her.

(phone ringing)

What?

Hey, Marjorie, it's Christy.

I know!

We're just wondering...

I'm three orders behind and I'm lost.

Well, don't you have GPS on your phone?

Oh, I used to, but now I can't find it.

Well, didn't you think
to test it out before... ?

Maybe we could give you a hand there.

Do you see any landmarks?

"Free Chihuahua puppies."

Is that something you know?

She really didn't prepare.

I heard that.

Are you eating our food?

My blood sugar's in the dumper.

I can't go home, I can't
go back to the restaurant.

I'm in hell!

Medium rare sound good?

How's he doing?

Sitting, rocking, a
little light mumbling.

He went out for some fresh air.

What are you doing?

Making tea out of saltines

and a bottle of Texas Pete hot sauce.

Nope.

(children clamoring outside)

Who takes swim lessons on
Wednesday night at 8:00 p.m.?

It's free swim... I peeked out
the window, it looks pretty fun.

Wish I knew how to swim.

You don't know how to swim?

- Mm-mm.
- I don't know how to swim.

Anyway, we need a new game plan.

Everything we say sets Trevor off.

Well, does he like beer?
We could get him some beer.

Do you think Marta
would have sex with him?

That's nature's beer.

It's possible she already has.

There's some weirdness between them.

TREVOR: Hey, kids, just
'cause it's free swim,

doesn't mean you need to scream

your stupid little lungs out!

(water splashes)

Does he know how to swim?

Wear a silk blouse, I said.

No way will I get stuck in a car

that smells like a hot day in Beijing.

Okay, it's gonna be a left.

The first left.

First left.

That left!

Okay, we'll circle back.

- What the hell, Marjorie?!
- Wendy!

You gave her ample warning.

I'm sorry, I got flustered.

So we're gonna circle around.

With a right turn.

This right turn.

Right turn.

Right turn here!

(tires screeching)

Just so we're clear,

we're all gonna die so
Marjorie can make $42.

Little bastards pushed me in the pool.

You kind of had it coming.

I'll get some towels.

- I don't have any towels.
- But how do you not... ?

Don't make me explain!

Uh, how about some paper towels?

Ooh, that's a lot of chlorine.

Probably a good
thing... Evidently Sandra

got hygiene in the divorce.

Here you go.

Please, God.

Let this be bottom.

Hey, come on.

This is only temporary.

Eventually you're gonna,

you're gonna clean yourself up.

Maybe get a haircut, uh, some towels.

Maybe some dignity.

You know, before you know it,

you'll meet someone new.

(scoffs) Why bother?

New woman, same old lies.

(singsongy): I don't
know, Marta's kind of cute.

I listen to women all day long.

I know how you people work.

(clears throat)

When a man cheats...

he just cheats, okay?

It's ugly, but we own it.

But when a woman cheats... (chuckles)

it's always the man's fault.

"Oh, he-he didn't respect me.

"He ignored me.

"Uh, he didn't meet my needs.

I had no choice but to do
what I did in Palm Springs."

Hang on, I'm no therapist,

but I think it's been a
minute since a man "owned it."

We have to catch you, berate
you, listen to you deny it,

and then, two months later,

we're finally out having a nice dinner,

and you burst into tears and say,

(crying): "I was weak!"

Look, I appreciate you trying to help,

but there's really no point.

I'm done... I'm done with women,

I'm done being a therapist, okay?

Rotten kids!

You're-you're quitting?

I have nothing left to give.

Wait, wait, when's
the last time you ate?

Do cigarettes count?

Only if you're a supermodel.

- Or a junkie.
- Word.

Hey.

Why don't we order
from that Chinese joint

Marjorie's working for? At
least we can do her a solid.

Great idea... hey, Trevor,
you like Chinese food?

It makes me puke.

Oh.

Well, we're getting Chinese food.

(phone chimes)

Got two more orders.

Doesn't anybody cook anymore?

What's happening to the American family?

So, back to the restaurant?

Yep, left turn here.

See? How hard is that?

It's different when
you're under pressure.

It's like watching Jeopardy!

I can answer all the
questions if I hit pause.

Not if the question's about driving.

Oh, I don't know what made
me think I could do this job.

You're gonna get the hang of it.

Let's, uh, let's
knockity-knock on this door.

No, this door, Marjorie. This door.

You forgot a couple of bags.

I brought one, too. I'm part of this.

Where the hell have you... ? Oh.

- What are you doing here?!
- What are you doing here?

I'm helping Marjorie.

I'm helping Trevor.

Wait, this is your Trevor?

Come in, just don't
make any sudden moves.

Hey, guys.

Do you come here just
so you can feel better

about where you live?

Food's here, and, uh, four alcoholics

I've never, ever complained about.

Hi, I'm Christy.

Bonnie's daughter.

I am so grateful for all you've
done to make her more tolerable.

Christy, the man is
practically drooling.

He doesn't want to chitchat.

Oh, why don't we set
this up in the kitchen?

Hold on, this isn't Trevor's...

Oh, shut all the way up.

Oh, here's your receipt.

Oh, uh, right.

- Here you go.
- I can't take that.

Oh, I think I have a dry
one in my other pants.

No, the food is late and it's cold.

And I ate a couple of your dumplings.

Trevor, Marjorie's been going
through a rough time lately.

Tonight is her first night at a new job.

Yeah, and the last.

I was an idiot to think
that I could handle this.

This is why tribes used to leave

old people in the wilderness to die.

Wait, "old"?

You're not old.

That's what I always tell her.

Hey, could you get me
something I could choke down?

Maybe an egg roll?

I want the egg roll... no, oh,
you can have it, you can have it.

Have a seat.

This is so embarrassing.

Well, I'll try not to lord
my perfect life over you.

Fair enough.

Listen, I have worked
with a lot of people

who have needed to reboot their lives.

It is not easy...

to reinvent yourself
no matter what your age.

What happened to your knee?

This hasn't been a great
night for me, either.

But let's talk about you.

Bonnie mentioned that your
husband passed away recently?

Last year.

That's one of the hardest things
that a person can go through.

I thought so...

until I tried to deliver Chinese food.

(knocking)

Come on in.

Hey.

Looking good in here.

- (whistle blows)
- (children clamoring)

Check this out.

(outside noise lowers)

Whoa.

Tammy does good work.

So do you.

Marjorie's still got the job.

She has to take Wendy with
her, but she's still got it.

(chuckles) Listen, uh, I need
to talk to you about something.

Oh, you don't need to thank me.

But if you're looking for a gift,

I do like aromatherapy.

You say that every week.

Yeah, and yet no bergamot candle.

Listen, it is not ideal
for a patient to get such

a revealing view behind the curtain

of their therapist's life.

It's affected our dynamic,

so I've put together
a list of referrals.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, pump
the brakes, shrinky dink.

You can't dump me after
all I've done for you.

I'm pretty sure I can.

Look, up until now I've
been on the fence about you.

But now that I've seen
you at your worst...

That was your worst, right?

I hope so.

Well, then I'm more sure than ever

that you're the shrink for me.

Why? Because you get me,

as only a ruined human being could.

You sure?

Absolutely.

Okay, good.

So, now that you've met all my friends,

was I right or was I right?