03x02 - All By Myselfie

[bunniefuu]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

["I'M A PSYCHO" BY CLOONEY PLAYING]

♪ I'm a psycho I do what I like, oh ♪

♪ I got one loose screw ♪

♪ Better watch your back ♪

♪ I'm a psycho and you can't deny, no ♪

♪ I'm as crazy as a daisy
and you're under att*ck ♪

Whoo!

♪ Yeah, I'm a psycho ♪

♪ I'm a psycho ♪

♪ ♪

I know, I'm late.

Traffic was ter-ri-ble.

I just watched you
take selfies for minutes.

You even did an outfit change.

I wasn't gonna wear a yellow dress

on a yellow slide.

Fashion , Mavis.

♪ Teacher ♪

♪ Oh ♪

How you feeling, Deb?

I'm bloated, gassy,

and my feet are so swollen,

I actually burst
through a pair of Crocs,

and with Damien on tour,

I have no one to blame my bad moods on,

so overall, I'd say "not good."

Good morning, ladies.

I am stoked like a fire

to sub for Ms. Feldman.

After working in administration
for years,

I'm thrilled to be teaching again!

It's as if Beyoncé went back

and did another record
with Destiny's Child.

Oh, Mrs. Adler,

I noticed that you didn't put
your back-to-school board

up in the hallway.

Let's try to get that hung
by this afternoon.

What are you doing?

Toby...

Right.

Not my place.

I'm not the principal anymore.

Although it would be nice
if you could put it up.

Consider my lippers zippered.

I'm just a teacher.

No, you're not.

You're a sub.

Okay.

What up, hotties? Toby.

Apparently, we have to implement

this new online grading system,

but I don't know how it works,

why we're doing it, or who it's for,

so... someone should get on that.

We cool? Thank you for that

very helpful information, Brent.

I know this job

can be overwhelming and stressful,

so please know

that my door is always open.

You drive a purple Celica, right?

It's amethyst, but yeah.

You parked in the faculty lot.

See, subs park on the street.

Well... [LAUGHS]

I'm not your average sub.

You're right. You're way older.

Well, you might want
to get out there ASAP.

I hear Mavis is itching
to get another car towed.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, for the love of Miami!

[ROCK MUSIC]

Gary Yupo.

Here.

And Ron Zimmerman?

Here. I have a peanut allergy.

My mom says if I have any,

I'll die, and it'll be your fault.

Okay.

Thank you, Ron.

I will...

certainly keep that in mind.

And now let's find out
what we're doing today.

Uh-huh.

[OMINOUS RUSHING SOUND]

Uh-oh.

Care Bear.

Do you know where Ms. Feldman

kept her substitute lesson plans?

No.

Okay.

She didn't seem to leave any.

[QUIETLY] Toby, we promised each other

that we wouldn't let
our personal relationship

affect our work.

We have to treat each other

as if we aren't...

romantically entangled.

- Agreed?
- Agreed.

You should treat me
like every other sub.

[FORCEFULLY] Then take off, loser.

- What?
- [QUIETLY] As your girlfriend,

I really want to empathize and help you,

but as a teacher talking to a sub,

I think you're garbage.

When does my class have art?

You're a sub, Toby.

Put on "The Adventures of Milo and Otis"

and call it a day.

How long is recess?

The kids are saying
upwards of two hours.

Janelle will only answer
my questions in Pig Latin.

Do you have any Febreze?

Cody B. will not stop passing gas.

You want me to stick my hand up your ass

[YELLING] like a puppet
and do your job for you?

[ROCK MUSIC]

- weeks.
- I'm sorry?

You're about weeks along, right?

Yeah, you nailed it.

So excited. We're having a baby!

Well, I'm the one
having the baby, Raymond,

but I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Have you read
"Whoa, Baby! I'm Pregnant!"?

Nope, haven't gotten to that one.

I really think you'd like it.

It's an irreverent look
at what's going on inside you,

told from a woman's perspective.

Okay... I'll check that out.

I have plenty of time,
since I don't sleep anymore.

You can't tell.

The hormones
are making your skin luminous.

Oh.

Thank you, Raymond.

I think pregnant women are stunning.

[QUIET PIANO MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[ROCK MUSIC]

[CRYING]

[DRAMATIC SIGH]

Oh, no, Chelsea,

did Tom Hardy
block you on Twitter again?

No.

I just found out my sorority sister,

Kimi McKay, d*ed!

Oh, no! Chelsea!

- What happened?
- Was she sick?

She fell off a cliff
while taking a selfie.

She was such a beautiful person.

These are her last posts.

She loved hiking in a halter.

Oh.

She must have uploaded this last one

before she hit the rocky seashore.

I want to honor Kimi.

I'm holding a memorial service

before school tomorrow.

I expect you all to be there.

But we didn't even know this woman.

Yeah, wouldn't you rather
be with people who knew her?

Hell, no. You think I want

my sorority sisters to see me ugly cry?

I get Claire Danes'
bipolar quiver-mouth.

[SIGHS] Oh, Kimi!

[WHIMPERS]

It's been a long day. [GRUNTS]

And we just have
a little bit of time left.

What do you say we play a game?

Let's play "Stare and Scream."

How does that go?

You just run around the room,
and then every time

you make eye contact with someone,

you scream as loud as you can.

That sounds cognitive.

[ALL SCREAMING]

What's happening?

Is it another rat?

We're playing "Stare and Scream."

It's their favorite game.

It's not a game, is it?

[YELLING] There's no rat!

Uncool, Greg.

Very uncool.

[ROCK MUSIC]

This bush you bought looks dead.

I'm gonna have to buy a memorial bush

for the memorial bush.

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the life

of my beautiful friend,

Kimi McKay.

Let's all go around and say something

we loved about Kimi.

Okay, again, Chelsea,
we didn't know her.

[SCOFFS] As always,

I have to do everything around here.

Kimi was kind.

I remember during pledge week,

when they ripped off my clothes
and sprayed me with urine,

Kimi handed me a towel and said,

"That'll do, pig. That'll do."

[MOURNFUL PIANO MUSIC]

I can't believe she was k*lled
by a selfie!

She wasn't k*lled by a selfie.

She took a duck-face photo
next to a sign that said

"Dangerous Cliffs Keep Off."

She was k*lled by illiteracy.

Don't you dare death-shame Kimi!

Selfies k*ll!

[CRIES]

Ms. Chelsea has requested

that you join her
in the teachers' lounge

for some light refreshments.

♪ ♪

[SIGHING] Oh.

You look rough.

Oh.

I forgot how exhausting teaching is.

This is probably TMI,

but yesterday,

I couldn't even find time
to relieve myself.

I had to hold it until : p.m.

You didn't pee all day?

I couldn't abandon my class.

Insider's tip:

wear an adult diaper.

- Excuse me?
- We all wear diapers.

Right, guys?

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

Totally.

I cut mine in the back
so it looks like a thong.

That way, I still feel sexy,

even when I'm going on myself.

I find them liberating.

Caroline?

I've never felt, you know...

[WHISPERING] I take it off
when I see you.

I want you to find me attractive.

Mm.

Do you have it on now?

Mm-hm.

[SIGHS] And when it comes

to taking a shower, it's all guesswork.

There are parts of my body
that have been obstructed

by my belly for months.

Thanks again for skipping
recess to talk to me.

Girlfriend, please.

What am I gonna do,

swing on the monkey bars?

Seriously.

Mm.

This body pillow you got me

is heaven.

Right?

Someone's going to have
some warm tootsies

when they come out.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[SYNTHETIC RUSTLING NOISE]

Put on your thinking caps and buckle up,

because we're about to travel

to the land of adjectives!

[SQUELCHING NOISE]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[SQUELCHING SOUND]

Hello, ladies.

[SIGHS]

- [QUIETLY] Did he just...
- Oh, yeah.

He went potty.

♪ ♪

Toby.

Are you wearing a diaper?

[QUIETLY] Yes, I am.

All teachers wear them.

It's a trick of the trade.

- Who told you that?
- The other teachers.

They wear diapers every day.

Chelsea's dresses are so tight,

she can't even wear underwear,
let alone a diaper.

You went on yourself like a damn baby.

I hereby open this meeting
of the Local School Council

to new business.

I have an issue
that needs immediate attention.

People are being m*rder*d by selfies.

What?

I know, Gina.

I was shocked, too.

My friend Kimi tragically d*ed

when she fell off a cliff
while taking a selfie.

I propose we create training courses

on how to take a selfie
without k*lling yourself.

Also, I mocked up these posters
to raise awareness.

Okay, we're done here.

We're not even gonna vote?

Who are you, white women
on November , ?

Fine. This'll be quick.

All those against everything

about Chelsea's idiotic proposal,

say "aye."

ALL: Aye.

This is real, you dumbasses!

My friend d*ed-uh. [DRAMATIC SIGH]

Kimi, give me strength.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Hello?

Toby Wan Kenobi! What up?

Come on in, man. Pop a squat.

Sweet sweater, dude.

I just wanted to make sure

that you're feeling okay

in your new position.

Mm.

I know transitions

can be difficult.

Sometimes, you think you know

what you're getting yourself into,

and then the reality of the job is...

I... think I'm... fine.

It can make you wonder,

"Do I know what I'm doing?"

"Why won't anyone take me seriously?"

and "How many people saw me
urinate on myself?"

It's not your fault
that you trust people

and assume that they're telling
you the truth.

You're doing the best you can.

Hey, Toby,

do you need to talk to the counselor?

No.

We're talking about you.

Okay, um,

well, just in case
we're talking about you,

you're a sub, okay?

Your only job
is to keep these kids alive,

so why don't you go ahead
and pop on "Milo and Otis"

and call it a diz-ay.

Kn'I mean? [LAUGHS]

Hey, check this out.

[CLICKS]

[LAUGHS] Cool, right?

[IMITATES ENGINE REVVING]

Boom!

Just run the cocoa butter
in a circular motion.

And this helps prevent stretch marks?

You call them stretch marks.

I call them tiger stripes.

- [GROWLS]
- [LAUGHS]

What's going on here?

Raymond's just showing me how to avoid

getting any more stretch marks.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Allow me.

Thank you.

Deb, don't you think
this is a little inappropriate?

No, he's just giving me
the support I need.

But he's ten years old.

What's this?

Oh, Raymond got it for me.

It's a maternity negligee.

Oh.

Okay, I'll...

Yeah, I'll talk to him.

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

Everyone!

Please take your seats!

[CHILDREN YELLING]

We're gonna watch "Milo and Otis."

Peanuts?

[GASPS] No.

No!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

No!

Don't worry, Ron!

I'll save you!

♪ ♪

Ow!

What are you doing? I'm not Ron!

I'm Ron!

♪ ♪

Ow, stop! I'm not Ron, either!

♪ ♪

Why did you do that?

The peanuts, Ron!
There are peanuts on your desk!

Those are not mine!

What?

[LAUGHS] I put those peanuts there.

I knew you'd tweak, sucker!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Okay, keep the line moving. [GASPS]

Ooh, Frank, say hi to your dad for me.

Your parents are still
having trouble, right?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, my God.

There's a child on the roof,

taking a selfie!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

[SCREAMS]

[QUAVERS]

And that's how you go from Instagram

to insta-dead.

Please give a round of applause

to Gogo and Antonio Fernandez

of the Hernandez Brothers Circus!

[MOURNFUL BRASS MUSIC]

Parents of Fillmore,

what you just witnessed wasn't real,

but it could be,

because selfies are dangerous.

Please, join me and take action

so your children don't get
ground up in a wood chipper!

Damn it!

You guys are k*lling me today.

Normally, I would think
that crazy chicks are hot,

but this is just nuts, Chels!

I am tired of being ignored,
and I had to make a point.

Selfies are dangerous

and distracting.

We should just ban them altogether!

Girls today objectify themselves

and then, they post the photos online

for everyone else to objectify them!

Their entire self-worth is based

on the comments on their Instagram,

and instead of learning how to be men,

boys are learning how to take d*ck pics!

That isn't communication.
That's as*ault!

These kids are disconnected
from each other,

they're disconnected from us...

oh, my God.

We shouldn't ban selfies.

[ROUSING MUSIC]

We should ban cell phones.

[GASPS]

[EXCITED LAUGH]

ALL: Aye.

Congratulations, Chelsea,

Your motion to ban cell phones
in the classroom

during school hours
has officially passed.

Thank you.
My friend did not die in vain.

This award is a huge honor.
It's not an award.

Well, it's still a huge honor.

Not an honor.

Okay, well, I won.

Raymond, I appreciate your support,

but we need to take a break
from the pregnancy stuff.

Did I do something wrong?

You're young.

You should be out
playing with the other kids,

not worrying about me.

But what about Miles?

Who's Miles?

The baby.

I named him.

Okay, weird.

This is done.

Go hit the monkey bars.

Kimi,

if you could see
what I accomplished this week,

you would be so proud.

[TENDER MUSIC]

Do you know what this reminds me of?

That pledge week when you
wouldn't let me

call an ambulance when Jenna Phillips

almost choked to death

deep-throating a butternut squash,

but I did the right thing,
and called

so I wouldn't get in trouble.

It's so sad that Jenna d*ed
later that year

deep-throating a butternut squash.

Anyway, love you, girl.

Congratulations
on your LSC win, Chelsea.

Yeah, now those little turds

can't bring their p*rn portals
to class anymore.

Thank you.

Kimi's death has made me realize

that life is short.

Before I die young and beautiful, I want

to do something meaningful with my life.

I'm going to become a new Chelsea

for my best friend,

Kimi.

Oh, no. Toby!

Okay, it is equal parts

sad and embarrassing

that you bang that, Caroline.

♪ ♪

...Would've said the old Chelsea.

Should've never tricked him

into wearing a diaper.

You're right.

We should help him.

♪ ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Please don't k*ll me!

I haven't designated in my will

who gets my infinity scarf collection.

♪ ♪

Ah!

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I, uh... I always thought that

it would be Roberta who k*lled me.

ALL: Pencil to pencil,

high score to low score,

we are united,

sisters of Fillmore.

Toby, we've brought you
to our secret meeting spot.

This is the school's boiler room.

Did you just drive me around the block?

You'll never know.

Oh, God.

[CRIES]

No. Ah! Ow!

We are welcoming you into our tribe.

Where we vow to help each other

in times of need.

And call each other out

when we're being weird.

And push each other to be better.

We're a sisterhood,

so welcome to the hood, sister.

[WARM MUSIC]

We have a tradition that every year,

we'd give this to
the newest teacher at Fillmore.

This is the Dang-It Doll.

We've never given it to a sub before.

Whenever you're feeling
overwhelmed or frustrated,

you can use this to express your anger.

Is this me?

Sorry.

I made it before we started dating.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

It's truly an honor

to be a part of this group.

♪ ♪

Dang it!

Dang it, dang it, dang it!

Dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it!

Dang it! Dang it!

Oh, dang it!

[GIBBERING] Dang it! Dang it!

Peas and m*therf*cking rice!

Ow... Ah...

Welcome to the squad, girl.

Sorry, Kimi.

There can only be room for one of us.

I'm her best friend, not you, you shrub!