03x03 - Of Lice And Men

[bunniefuu]

[MELLOW RHYTHM & BLUES]

[SOFT MOANING]

♪ Don't stop,
girl I want your body, babe ♪

[LOUDER MOANING]

Ah... ohh!

Wow!

Okay.

I think that's enough for now.

- Are you okay?
- I'm better than okay.

I'm A-okay. Okay.

Thank you for your time and...

your leg.

Are y... are you bleeding?

What?

Oh, this? Ha!

Look at that. [LONG INHALE]

Later, crocodile.
After a while, alligator.

Neither of those are right. Okay, bye!

♪ Teachers ♪

Okay, party people,

let's get krunk on U.S. Geography!

Who can name the capital
of our great nation?

Sorry I'm late.

I had to go to the doctor.

For your...

- Eye.
- Right.

Take a seat.

Okay, where were we?

Capital of the United States.

- Marcus.
- Texas?

No. But they like to think so.

Anyone else?

Ugh. I know, Henry.

It's a real head-scratcher, huh?

They won't stop itching.

Who won't stop itching?

The little white friends
who live in my hair.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Those aren't your friends, Henry.

Those are lice!

He brought lice into my classroom!

If anyone asks, we've never associated.

You stay the hell away from me.

The only logical solution

is to burn your room to the ground.

Ms. Snap, I sent Henry
back to your classroom.

What? Why?

Mavis, tell her about the thing.

The district has adopted a new policy:

"Live and Let Lice"

which states that children

can no longer be sent
home for having lice.

They say it punishes the dirt bags.

Sorry... Lower income families.

- You can't do this!
- As long as Henry

stays away from the other kids,

the lice are like
my high school girlfriend:

they won't spread.

You just had your sexual
harassment training

- this morning.
- Yeah. I felt att*cked.

Oh, Brent. Did you get my proposal

for an after-school yoga club?

And That is my cue to leave.

Nice talking to you ladies.

Oh! Paw! [BRENT LAUGHS]

When did you first notice the lice?

About minutes ago.

- What's that?
- My lice preparedness kit.

I'm already pregnant.
The last thing I need

is another parasite.

[WHIMPERING]

[EXHALES]

What are you doing, Mary Louise?

I'm so horny!

[GASPS]

That's my girl!

I have been waiting for this moment.

I knew there was a fire burning

in those loins of yours.

It makes it sound like
she has gonorrhea.

I'm still not having sex until marriage.

I'm just horny.

Mary Louise, there is
not just sex or no sex.

That is black and white thinking.

You need to be exploring the grey.

All fifty shades of it. Mmm!

[PAPER RUSTLES]

I made this for you in anticipation

of this momentous occasion.

This tiny rectangle contains
a wealth of sexual knowledge

accumulated over a lifetime.

Bon appetite.

She's made us all watch it.

I would avoid the a**l section.

My no-no rose is off-limits,

but... that's just me.

MS. SNAP: Congratulations, Mary Louise.

If you're watching this,
it means you have

finally opened your mind
to the wonderful world

of sexual exploration!

Let's start with the basics.

Kissing, titty clamps,
and double-penetration.

I gotta go see Pastor Ted.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Hey. I need to drop off
some pipe cleaners

for my lesson later today.

Okay.

Can I ask you something?

- Sure.
- How is driving?

- What?
- Driving.

How hard for you would you say it is?

Cecelia, did you just learn English?

Here's the thing.

I got myself in a bit of a pickle.

Deb made me her second-in-command

to take her to the hospital
in case she goes into labor

while Damien has rehearsal or a gig

or is watching "Ghost Hunters."

But there's one little problem.

- What's that?
- I can't drive.

Oh... that explains
the ice storm biking.

I was hoping you could teach me?

I'd be happy to. I love helping people

learn to adhere to rules.
I can do it on my free period.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.
Good karma's coming your way.

Ugh. I totally believe that.

One time, I donated
a monogrammed charm bracelet

to the Salvation Army,
and my ex-boyfriend

ended up buying it and giving
it to me for my birthday.

- Aw, that is karma.
- I wasn't finished.

I broke up with him for shopping for me

at the Salvation Army.

Now, that's karma.

[EERIE MUSIC]

This looks like a Dexter k*ll room.

Diego, you are way
too young for "Dexter."

Plus, that finale was abysmal.
Try "The Wire."

Guys, everything is going to be okay

as long as we protect
ourselves from these bugs.

But aren't bugs
good for the environment?

[SCOFFS] These are not

the good kind.

These are the kind
that gnaw on your scalp

like it's a turkey leg at a Ren Faire.

Now, put on your ponchos.

A storm's a-comin'.

Okay, now that we've
wet wiped the console,

we can put on our driving slippers.

- Oh, I don't have those.
- Not to worry.

I have a spare pair for you right here.

Please place your... Birkenstocks

in this bag...

I'll give them back to you
at the end of the lesson.

Or, if you suddenly decide

that they're unprofessional
for teaching,

I can always dispose of them for you.

- Is this a new car?
- Thank you for asking.

It's a Chrysler Pacifica Hybrid.

It's the last big purchase I made

before I became destitute two weeks ago.

Let's start with an easy maneuver.

Just put the car in drive,

coast forward, and stop
at the end of the lot.

Ha.

[BRAKES SCREECH]

Okay. You can take it
easy with the braking.

You don't need to brake until
we get to the end of the lot.

Cecilia! Stop braking!
You're gonna make me sick!

Should I switch gears?

- Watch out!
- Oh!

Doops!

Peas and rice!

- You almost hit me!
- Sorry!

Caroline's teaching me how to drive.

This is retribution
for calling Martha Stewart

- a criminal, isn't it?
- What? No!

I wasn't even driving.

And she did her time.

Thanks for seeing me, Pastor Ted.

What's nippin' at ya, Mary Louise?

You seem burdened.

Well, I'm in a relationship now,

and I'm waiting until marriage

to... you know.

Do the sex.

Yes.

But there's other things I wanna do

with my man friend, and I
feel like I'm not allowed.

You're not.

Okay.

And I don't want to challenge tradition.

It's just...

I see a future with him,

and my feelings are... really strong.

Really... really strong.

Like I'm gonna explode.

Like literally,
my blood and guts... puu!

I'm dying here.

Yeah, I'm picking up everything

you're puttin' down, champ,

but rules is rules.

[LAUGHS] No sex before marriage

includes everything...
hand jobs, foot jobs,

rim jobs, no jobs.

You gotta consider yourself
unemployed sexually.

That's the way it is.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

And some'll tell ya
the butt is a loophole,

but unfortunately...

it's just a hole.

Uh-huh...

You see, God put all of
this sexual energy

in your body,

but he doesn't want you to act on it.

I suppose it's just another one of his

great mysteries.

So what do I do?

I think you have to find
a non-sexual way to

burn off that energy.

[EXHALES]

Just out of curiosity,

do you have a photo of this guy?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Oh, great.

Oh, yeah. Wow.

He, uh...

Could you email this photo?

So I can pray for him.

Oh.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Okay. That took way too long, Carl.

You're what we call a calculator person.

Just use one from now on.

Why does Henry have to live in a cage?

It's not a cage. It's a private lounge.

Henry has tiny, nasty little
vermin Airbnb-ing his scalp.

He needs to stay away from us
so we don't get what he's got.

Comprende?

- Gimme!
- Marcus.

- Stop taunting Henry!
- I want that candy bar!

Ah-ah...

No!

- [KIDS SCREAMING]
- You're all gonna get it!

Stay back, Carl. I'll protect you.

♪♪

I couldn't stop scratching all night.

Me either. I'm exhausted!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

They're like zombies. [GASPS]

Scratchers.

Listen, Mavis. I know you hate me

for not acknowledging
your existence, etcetera,

but we need to send
these infected kids home now.

We've got scratchers everywhere!

I already explained
the new policy to you.

Okay, you're not hearing me,

so once again, I'm going to ignore you.

Where's Brent? I can't live like this.

You'll survive just like you did in

when you had crabs.

[GASPS] HIPAA, Mavis!

And there was an upside to that.

It drove me to get my first Brazilian.

Now, tell Brent I wanna talk to him.

He's busy.

[BRENT GRUNTS]

Ooh... ah...

He's doing Capoeria in his office.

He doesn't have time for you,

you Dollar Store Lara Flynn Boyle!

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

[PANTING, GRUNTING INCREASES]

Oh, oh, must keep climbing!

Must bike fasterrrrr!

Aaaaaaahhhh!

Okay, this time we'll work on parking.

Easy peasy, since my
award-winning Pacifica

has park assist. Just put it in reverse,

and the front and rear
sensors will help guide you.

[SOFT CHIME]

Like this?

Excellent work. In no time,

you'll be like a normal person.

Now, step on the brakes. Stop.

Put it in drive, and it'll back in.

- Ohhhh!
- [CAR BEEPING]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

Is this because I deleted

"The Property Brothers" from your DVR?

No, I... You did what?

I don't like how you watch that
show with your mouth open!

It's not my fault two brothers together

form the perfect man.

That's it, Care Bear.

I'm teaching Cecelia how to drive.

Consider yourself
relieved from your duties.

Fine. But if anything
happens to the Pacif...

I'm not gonna use the Pacifica.

I know how you feel about this.

You called out its name
while making love.

I'll use my car.

For the record, in my head,

I was being taken in the Pacifica,

not by the Pacifica.

[ENERGETIC MUSIC]

We finished our subtraction
problem, Ms. Bennigan.

Just a couple more minutes.

I gotta get the demons outta me.

Aah!

Aaah!

Uhhh!

Okay, guys, once you finish your math,

move on to social studies.

After social studies, it's free reading.

After that, just... be creative.

You're not coming back, are you?

Of course I am.

[ZIP]

I'm just going on a supply run.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GROANING]

[SCREAMING] I'm still... horny!

[GASPS]

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

You're acting shifty.

- Have you been infected?
- No.

- Have you?
- No.

How do I know you're telling the truth?

How many people have you slept with?

What does that have to do with anything?

I don't know. I was just curious.

Whatever. I'm trying
to get lice shampoo.

These scratchers are not
gonna take me down.

I'm here for the same thing.

Maybe we should join forces.

Fine. But if we get
recognized as heroes,

I'm doing the interviews.

Look what I got.

It's from the lost and found!

Carl, why are you wearing
someone else's hat

when there's a lice outbreak?

- [THUDDING]
- [GASPS]

[THUMPING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

It's so itchy!

Aaaah!

Carl, find an empty classroom
and lock yourself in it.

Do not come out until
the final bell rings.

I can handle it. I'm not a little kid.

Yes, you are! Now, go!

They're everywhere. Here...

- Put this on.
- [WHIMPERS]

We've got to find a place to
ride out the rest of the day.

[SOFT SOBS]

[PANTING]

I know it's wrong to act
on your sexual impulses but...

- Aaah!
- Mary Louise! Uh...

Mary Louise, what are you doing here?

No! I'll come back later!

It's not what you think.

I'll see you at the pancake breakfast!

This poncho is so unflattering.

Try being front-loaded
with a tiny human.

- Shh!
- [GASPS]

Did you hear that? If you listen,

- you can hear them scratching.
- [SCRATCHING SOUNDS]

- Hey, guys.
- BOTH: Aah!

Still lice-free.

Carl! I just told you
to find an empty room!

[SIGHS] I can't with this kid.

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

- Get out!
- Brent!

They got me!

My Propecia treatments...

Brent's infected. We need to help him!

No, Chelsea!

The Brent you knew is gone.

- No...
- We have to save ourselves.

[DARK MUSIC]

If Brent goes bald,

no one is gonna want to bang him.

He can't rely on his personality.

- He's a total d*ck.
- I know.

I know.

And what do we do
when we see the red light?

- We stop.
- And the yellow light?

We slow down. We've been covering

traffic lights for minutes.

I think I'm ready to drive.

You're not. You almost
ran me over twice,

for Peter's sake.

It's good for you to just get used to

being in a car,

feeling the interior on your back,

the floor beneath your feet.

Just taking in your surroundings.

It's kinda like meditating.

We're encouraged
to take in the space around us

before we close our eyes.

Okay. Except we can't
close our eyes while driving.

This is the safest I've felt all day.

I finally feel like I can breathe again.

Hi, Miss Snap.

Carl, shut the door!

You always do the dumbest
[BLEEP] things!

- Miss Snap?
- Miss Snap?

Ruuuuun!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Leave it! We have to get to
the front office!

That's the only place
we'll find sanctuary!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOORKNOB RATTLING]

Let us in! They're coming for us!

Please, Mavis!

The office is our only hope!

[BOTH CRYING]

Aah!

Not gonna happen, you human ostrich.

Aah! No!

No, no, no, no, Mavis. Mavis!

No... aahhhh!

Oh...[CRYING]

Hello, Green Apple!

[MS. SNAP CONTINUES SCREAMING]

All right, I think we're ready.

Let's put the car in drive.

Will do.

- Aah! They're coming!
- No, no, no, no!

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Care Bear!
- Oh! Oh, my Gaia!

I am so sorry!

Binky boo!

Is this because I called LeAnn Rimes

a reality star?

She was a singer first.

Caroline, are you okay?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Lice!

- Aah!
- Aah!

♪ ♪

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

I need to tell you something.

[SIGHS] Is it my cologne?

Blake said it smells
like carpet cleaner.

No, it's not that.

I'm ready to do...

more...

with you.

Where's this coming from?

From the realization
that even the purest people

can be complete animals.

I love you. I'm ready to do

more stuff with you.

I do wanna have sex one day, but...

not until we're married.

I mean, I'm married
to... to someone or...

whoever.

- [GASPS]
- Are you sure you're okay?

[DEEP VOICE] Get back down there.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]

♪ She's got the look
that you want to know ♪

♪ You want to know, whoa-oa-oa ♪

♪ She's such a lady ♪

♪ She's got the look ♪

♪ That you want to know,
you want to know ♪

♪ Whoa-oa-oa, she's such a sexy girl ♪

Bitch got [BLEEP] up!