03x04 - Leggo My Preggo

[bunniefuu]

Look at that bump. Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- I hope that's decaf.

- It is.
- Looking good, mama-to-be.

But it's time
for some maternity clothes.

You don't want to squish the baby.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] Sure don't.

Hey, sorry that took so long,
but you know the rules.

I go to the grocery store,
I get a treat.

And the lady saw you were pregnant,

so I got a free pretzel.

Hey, I noticed you got cat litter.

You should get rid of your cat.

They have parasites in their poo

that could eat your baby's brain.

Oh, thanks for the tip, bro.

Wow, people are so helpful
when you're pregnant.

Hey, babe, door?

[SIGHS]

Welcome, my dazzling divas.

Are you ladies familiar
with Bishop and Boo?

It's the world's third-largest
direct-sales cosmetics company.

I'd love to get you acquainted.

- Are you ill?
- No, I'm broke.

I had to lease my horse, Passing Fancy,

to a third grader, and
she rides Western, not English.

It's been a nightmare.

So now I'm selling the finest

wholesale cosmetics on the market.

And if I move enough product,
I get a white Jetta!

So who wants a makeover? Chelsea?

[SCOFFS] I don't buy
suburban-housewife makeup.

I wear classy makeup, like MAC.

Cecelia, are you eating a ginger root?

Yeah.

I haven't had time to cook lately,

and they don't have any vegan
options on the cafeteria.

So I just grabbed this on the way out.

It's gross.

Why don't you just flavor trip?

- What's that?
- It's this hot new trend

where you take a pill and it makes

disgusting food taste good.

Seriously, you drink vinegar,
and it tastes like grape juice.

That's how I got down to a size .

And I am a size zero.

- Stop looking at me.
- Oh, I'll have to get some.

- Oh, I've got some.
- Oh, not that one.

That's for something else.

- Good morning, Deb...
- No, it's not.

I've got insane heartburn from
an ice cream and sardine binge,

my butthole's pumping more gas
than the Alaskan pipeline,

and I have Shrek feet.

This pregnancy crap's overwhelming.

Why don't you join a mommy group?

That way, you can
share your frustrations

with other women who are
going through the same thing.

Maybe, as long as they don't
call me a mommy.

Might I suggest making a good impression

on your new friends with some
"Won't Fade With The Day"

eyeliner in emerald mist?

Get a life.

Sorry, Ian, but when your grades slip,

and you bring a honeydew melon

from home to throw at your classmates,

your mom and dad get called in.

Them's the rules.

- Ms. Bennigan?
- Oh, Mr. Mund, hi.

- You can call me Lonny.
- It's nice to meet you.

You too. Hey, bud.

Ian, would you mind
stepping out for a sec

so we can have a grown-up powwow?

- Sure.
- Okay, I love you.

- Please have a seat.
- [GROANS]

Uh, where's Mrs. Mund?

Oh, probably picking up her human suit

from the dry cleaner's so
no one knows she's the devil.

I don't know if Ian told you,

but we are going through a divorce.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

That probably explains
why he's falling behind.

Yeah, the custody dispute
has been a total nightmare,

thanks to my harpy, Medusa wife.

Sorry.

Why don't we just call her Paula?

Sure. "Paula."

You see, Ian is adopted,

and since it was Paula's initial idea,

she's been using that as leverage

to try and get full custody.

I wasn't aware he was adopted.

Chechnya.
Lovely people, but what a dump.

The whole place smells like fish.

You know, I have a question for you.

Do you think that Ian needs a tutor?

Oh, no, I don't think that's necessary.

And it sounds like you've got
a lot on your plate as is.

Tell you what,
I'll give Ian a little extra

one-on-one attention,
and you keep him away from...

- My garbage wife.
- I was gonna say

all the negativity.
Oh, same thing, but sure.

Okay.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

Oh.

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]

Painting your nails? Me too.

I'm using Bishop and Boo's
"No Chip, Look Hip"

glossy nail polish in Persian pink.

It lasts up to seven weeks.

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH]

- Ms. Snap?
- Hmm?

I can't go down the slide. It's full.

What?

Oh! Hi, Chelsea.

I didn't expect to see you here.

I'm just applying Bishop and Boo's

all-natural "Spoil My Body"
butter chiffon creme.

It boosts collagen and won't
leave my skin feeling oily.

[SCREAMS] You are like
the freakin' Babadook.

What is wrong with you?

I'll tell you
what's not wrong with me...

dry, chapped lips.

Thanks to Bishop and Boo's

"Perfectly Plump Pout" lip balm,

my lips are as soft as a seal's.

Oh, my God, Caroline. Give it a rest.

Okay, fine.

I'm sorry I've been such a pest.

I just figured that your face

would be the perfect canvas
for the product.

I mean, if people saw someone
as flawless as you

wearing the makeup,
it would sell itself.

Well, that makes a lot of sense.

A man who claimed he was
a model scout at the mall

told me the same thing.

So... does that mean

I get to give you
a Bishop and Boo makeover?

- Sure.
- [GASPS]

But only if you promise to put me

on your professional
Facebook page and LinkedIn.

LinkedIn is a perfect dating Website.

I can literally search "CEO."

[ROCK MUSIC]

So, mommies, we have
a new mommy in the group.

Please help me welcome
Mrs. Deborah Adler.

- It's just Deb.
- And I'm just Damien.

I'm the husband. We're pregnant.

Mm. Such a special time.

Why don't you tell us all
about your birth plan?

There isn't really a plan.

I'm just gonna go to the hospital,

get drugged up, and blast this baby out.

[GASPS]

You're not having a natural birth?

No, I want all the dr*gs.

Yeah, not all the dr*gs,
just the safe ones.

Oh, there are no safe ones.
Isn't that right, Siobhan?

Yeah, they're all dangerous.

Deborah, this is a judgment-free zone,

but your decision is terrible.

Do you want your baby to be born high?

I gave birth
to all of my children at home

in our infinity hot tub.

- They just floated right out.
- It was blissful.

Yeah, I think
I'm good with the hospital.

You're wrong!

I'm sorry. Just because you've
chosen to harm your child

doesn't mean I should be rude.

Okay, I gave it a sh*t.
Let's go, Damien.

Damien.

Fine, but just know
if you get the epidural,

you won't feel the orgasmic release

of oxytocin as you crown!

[DOOR SLAMS]

She heard me.

Mmm.

Mmm. Ahh.

Thanks for letting me eat in here.

Caroline banished me
from the teacher's lounge.

She said the stench of my food
was impeding her sales.

Yeah, I got to say, it's hard
to watch you eat this stuff.

Oh, it's delicious.

The horseradish tastes like dessert.

Flavor tripping works.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Ooh, got to go.

Fourth grade lunch is over,

and the lunch lady said I could have

the leftover tater-tot grease.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Mund.
It's so good to see you.

Why did you tell my shrimp-d*ck husband

to cancel the tutor?

What? I didn't.

Uh, you said the tutor
was "unnecessary,"

so that walking dildo
canceled Ian's sessions,

which I already paid for.

I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I...

[BABBLING MOCKINGLY]

Stay out of my family's business.

I don't want your opinion

unless you're my attorney or Raoul.

You must be Raoul.

Raoul!

[ROCK MUSIC]

As a lactation expert,
I highly recommend

you join La Leche League.

It's a community that believes
the child should decide

when breastfeeding ends.

- Totally. We love that idea.
- Oh, do we?

Sorry, but when does the child
usually decide to stop?

Some breastfeed
for as long as months.

- Wow. That sounds awesome.
- Does it?

'Cause, personally, I don't want to have

a six-year-old feasting on my tits.

It is important for
a child's psychological health

that they decide when to wean.

You don't want them to feel rejected.

I got to say, Deb...

all the breasts
I've been denied in my life,

that really had an effect
on my self-esteem.

We should think about this.

I'll think about this,
because it'll be my nipples

being gnawed on until the kid
gets their driver's license.

My tits, my choice!

[SIGHS]

Hey, Deb Adler here...

fully preggers, and giving zero Fs.

You know what I'm sick of?

Everyone telling me what to do
with my pregnancy.

Mommy groups, lactation coaches,

blogs, books, magazines,
bowling alley attendants.

It's endless.

But just so all of you people

who've given me advice
know you've been heard,

I'm gonna respond
to each and every one of you.

[BLEEP] you.

[BLEEP] you. Go [BLEEP] yourself.

Get [BLEEP]. And, Randy, [BLEEP] you.

You wear a back brace when you bowl,

you [BLEEP] assh*le.

All you mothers-to-be
out there, you do you.

Be the rock stars you are
and tell everybody else

to #LeggoMyPreggo.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

And upload.

This foundation feels...

- thick.
- It is.

The matte liquid
fills in the deep creases.

[GASPS]

I mean fine lines.

Very fine.

And to complete
the Bishop and Boo new you,

you can be the first to try
our just released

"Aubergine Lengthen and Strengthen"

eyelash lengthener with natural peptides

to give you longer, fuller lashes.

I don't want to brag, but
at the Romanian Cosmetics Expo,

we totally handed Latisse
their ass on a plate.

So it makes your eyelashes longer,

and I won't have to recycle
my falsies every other week?

- I'll buy one.
- Wonderful.

That'll be a one-time payment
of just $ . .

- For mascara?
- It has peptides, Chelsea.

Peptides. Fine.

You see how easy that was?

That mascara only cost $ wholesale.

Wait. You just flat out ripped me off?

No, I sold you a product
at a retail markup price.

You should consider
selling Bishop and Boo.

If you sell enough in a year,
you get a white Jetta.

And if you recruit
new brand ambassadors,

you get a cut of every sale
they make, too.

I could use some extra cash
for my nose job.

Deviated septum procedure
which I desperately need

in order to breathe.

You know what? I'm in.

- [SCREAMS]
- [BOTH LAUGH]

I will have that white Jetta. I will.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Now, I know this is none of my business,

but Paula stopped by earlier...

Did she bring Raoul?

- Um...
- It's okay. You can tell me.

I won't get mad.

- Yes, Raoul was here.
- Damn it!

What did he look like?

[LOUDER] What did he look like?

- Swarthy.
- Like what?

Like a sexy pirate?

Admit it, he looked like a sexy pirate!

I think he's just feeling
a little insecure about...

Raoul.

He went to strip clubs
having "business lunches"

while I stayed home
taking care of our child.

Oh, but now I'm not allowed
sexual fulfillment

for the first time in my adult life?

Who's side are you on?

Listen, I was up for trying new things,

but if the only way that she
can be "sexually fulfilled"

is to put her fist up my...
my you-know-what,

well, that is on her.

Stop putting me in the middle!

I just want you guys to get along!

I don't want to have two separate

parent/teacher conferences!

- Deb, we saw your video.
- I carry a Kn*fe in my boot.

Oh, no, no, it was amazing.

It was so real, so raw, so exposed.

You said what we all feel.
You have , views.

- For real?
- Yeah.

We are so tired of Honour

and all of her judgmental
earth mama baloney.

Yeah, she's pretty dogmatic.

[GASPS] You should start
your own mommy group.

- [GASPS]
- We'd join.

Oh, my God, please.

- We hate Honour.
- Mm.

She makes us stick
essential oils up our vaginas.

- And she checks.
- Oh.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Guess what.

I already recruited
two new brand ambassadors.

- Wow. That's amazing.
- Ms. Snap, it worked.

All the homely girls
are buying the makeup,

just like you said they would.

We even sold some
cellulite cream to a fat boy.

Excellent.

Fun fact... transfer students
are always hard up for friends.

They'll do anything to fit in.

So make sure to sell them
the big-ticket items.

Okay?

Chelsea, you're having children

prey on each other's
insecurities to sell makeup?

Oh, but Jennifer Aniston
can make me hate myself enough

to buy fancy water?

It's called sales, Caroline.

Oh, my God.

Is Cecelia eating a leaf?

Mmm.

Okay, listen, you two babies.
I'm laying down the law.

I'm tired of your inability
to communicate like adults.

This isn't about winning
or who's right or who's wrong.

It's about Ian, your son. Remember him?

Now get it together.

You assholes!

Did you just call us assholes?

That was highly inappropriate.

- Are you okay?
- I-I don't know.

- Are you okay?
- No, I am shaken.

Oh. How dare you
call my husband an assh*le?

He yelled at me today.

Well, I'm sorry if my husband
got passionate

about his son's well-being.

Why are you defending him?
You called him a...

[SOFTLY] Shrimp penis.

Well, if she said that,
and I highly doubt she did...

- I didn't.
- She did so in the sanctity

of a parent-teacher conference.
That's right.

I am so sick of you
being att*cked like this.

Come on, let's go. Yeah, we're leaving.

Oh, and for your information,

this man tried to take a fist for me.

- Like a boss.
- Like a boss.

This isn't your mother's mommy group.

Nobody's gonna tell us
what to do, right?

- ALL: Right!
- We make our own rules!

- Right?
- ALL: Right!

Leggo My Preggo!

ALL: Leggo My Preggo!

[ALL YELLING]

[ROCK MUSIC]

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, I was going to Mommies Mommies.

- I told you I quit that.
- Yeah, I know.

I was just, uh, gonna... gonna go alone.

- Are you kidding me?
- I need support, too, Deb.

You're not the only one
who's pregnant here.

Yes, I am.

You just like to wear
elastic stretch pants.

Please don't take this the wrong way.

- Oh, here we go.
- I just feel like you're not

willing to listen to anyone.

I mean, you dismiss
everybody's advice out of hand.

We've never done this before.

Maybe it will be better for the baby

- if you didn't get the epidural.
- Oh-ho-ho.

This is my pregnancy,
and I don't want any of that.

Yeah, it's your pregnancy,
but it's our baby.

I-I just want to
consider all the options.

Great, go consider them.

And while you're hanging out
with all of the perfect moms,

tell Honour I looked her up on Facebook,

and of course her real name is Ruth.

Of course it is!

[GASPS]

Cecelia, I see you tried
Bishop and Boo's

Perfectly Kissable lipstick.

Oh.

- You got a little on your teeth.
- Uh-huh.

It's delicious.

- [SCOFFS]
- Mmm.

Mmm.

That'll be $ . .

You made my parents get back together.

- Aren't you happy?
- No.

If they're back together,
they'll fight all the time.

I bet they'd get along
just fine if it wasn't for me.

Oh, honey, that's a very common thing

for children to think
when they're parents

are getting divorced,
but that's not true.

They love you very much.

Then why were they always
arguing about me?

They were arguing about
getting to spend time with you.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

I guess they really do love me.

Of course they do.

They flew all the way
to Chechnya to adopt you.

I'm adopted?

Ooh.

- You told him he was adopted?
- You told her he was adopted?

I'm so sorry.
If I had known it was a secret,

I wouldn't have said anything.

We were waiting to tell him
after his bar mitzvah.

I told you that
that would be way too late.

If we waited that long,
he would have figured out

why he doesn't look Jewish.

Oh, my God, that is so offensive, Lonny.

You know what? This is over.
And I mean it this time.

- Oh, fine by me.
- Great.

Well, let's go tell Ian
we're getting divorced again.

- Terrific.
- Fine.

I am so sick of you
and your anti-Semitic comments.

Oh, you have no room to talk
with the amount

of Mexican jokes you tell.

Margot, how many sales
did you make today?

Zero. No one will buy anything
since the mascara recall.

[SCREAMS]

Margot? Margot, come back here.

What recall?

Hey, Damien,
how was your meeting with Ruth?

Ignore her.

Oh, of course
she's telling you what to do.

Grow some balls.

Hey, wanting the best for our baby

does not mean I don't have balls, Deb.

Yes, we saw your
foul-mouthed video, Deborah.

Don't be surprised
if your baby's first word

is the f-b*mb. I pity your child.

Not everyone
wants to crap their baby out

on the top of a mountain
like "The Lion King."

Oh, well, of course
you would think that, Siobhan,

since everyone here knows
your emergency C-section

was planned weeks in advance.

- Eat me!
- Okay, everybody calm down.

Oh, shut up, Deborah!

Why don't you do us all a favor
and get your tubes tied

so you don't bring another drug addict

into this world,
who will probably grow up

and become a serial k*ller

because you find
breastfeeding inconvenient?

Hey, that's our kid
you're talking about.

It is not your kid! It's Deb's!

Relax. It's his kid, too.

If you admit that,
then he will try to tell you what to do!

Okay, this is straight up bonkers.

I'm dissolving Leggo My Preggo.

[ALL GASP]

I got to bounce. I'm starving.

I'll join you.
I'm sorry, Ruth. I got to quit.

My name is Honour!

Aah!

[ALL YELLING]

Hi, ladies.

I've got fading cream,
you've got stretch marks.

Let's do business!

- Caroline.
- Aah!

Your janky mascara
gave me Robert Durst eyes.

I'm sorry! I didn't know
about the recall!

Besides, it's not that bad.

Then why aren't you looking at me?

[WHIMPERING]

- Look at me!
- I can't.

I'm afraid of sharks.

I am gonna tell everyone
about your Bishop and Bullshit!

You are never gonna get a Jetta!

No!

[SOFT MUSIC]

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry I got
all up in your pregnancy.

That's okay. You should be involved.

And we'll figure
this stuff out together.

We both want the same thing...
for our baby to flourish

in a nurturing
and enriching environment.

Totally.

[MENACING MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]