03x16 - Relationslut

[bunniefuu]

BOTH: [GRUNTING, MOANING]

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

♪ ♪

I didn't know a guy with a fanny pack

could do things like that.

It's a wilderness pack, and thank you.

Okay. Bye.

BOTH: [GRUNTING, MOANING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

- That was so much fun.
- I know. Bye.

- Yep, yeah, yeah, ah.
- Ah.

- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]

Thank you.

Okay. Bye.

[CHUCKLES] Lady Francis...

[SIGHS] We forgot to have sex.

Uh, that's okay. This is kind of nice.

- Mm.
- I think I like Pibbis.

- You mean PBS?
- Yeah, it's my new favorite.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

Caroline, can you go
Kristen Stewart somewhere else?

You're affecting my makeup vibe.

Sorry.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

- Fine.
- What's wrong?

Thanks for asking.

I just feel like
I've kind of been in a funk

ever since Toby and I broke up.

You know he wears Tevas, right?

- Yes.
- Oh.

I mean, I know I'm not ready
to be in another relationship,

but I also can't keep
sitting around at home

eating frozen pizza and crying
while watching "Hope Floats."

What a sad ass life. No offense.

No, it is. I gotta get out more.

Oh, my God, yes!

Now is the time to
capitalize on being single.

You've been missing out
on a huge opportunity

to go out, get effed up, and let loose.

- We are partying tonight.
- Okay, I'm in.

Oh, this works out perfectly.

My macramé instructor got mono,
so I'm free.

It was getting dangerous.

She kept falling asleep at the loom.

Do not bring that up tonight.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Listen up, everybody.

In six months you'll be
middle schoolers.

Who's excited?

Well, you shouldn't be,

because there you'll see
an evil in others

you never imagined existed.

Okay, Deb.

This is why Mavis insisted you
have a partner

for middle school prep.

Guys, I know you might think
an old fogey like me

never went to middle school,

but I wore bell-bottoms and disco boots

just like the rest of you,
and let me tell you something,

middle school is far out. It is groovy.

Liar. It's the tenth circle of hell.

Come on, Mrs. Adler,
not another bullying lecture.

It's not as bad as you make it sound.

It happens. You'll get over it.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, Mrs. Adler.

As they said in my middle school,

you're being a real spaz.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, we're gonna need two
redheaded sluts,

- and two buttery nipples.
- You got it.

This night is gonna be so extra.

Who are you texting?

I'm playing Scrabble with this
dude I'm hooking up with, Kyle.

He thinks "furthest" is a word.

[LAUGHS] What an idiot.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS] Yas, girl.

Time to get turnt.

Okay, yeah... uh-oh.

- I'ma dance.
- [CHUCKLES]

Get it, girl. Ooh.

How is "fearapy" not a word?
I use it like every day.

[CLOONEY'S "WE ARE
THE PARTY PEOPLE" PLAYING]

♪ We set the bar
and we take it way too far ♪

From the gentleman.

♪ And break all the rules
and make all the fun ♪

♪ We ditch out of school
for cola and rum ♪

[HISSES] Ah.

♪ No chill, just thrills,
and we're happy to share ♪

♪ We need our tribe to vibe ♪

No.

♪ No haters here, we don't troll ♪

♪ 'Cause we're so into love ♪

We gotta go. I'm kind of tired.

Can you hear me? No?

Okay, bye.

Can you play "Mambo No. "?

Five!

You all thought bullying
doesn't have long-term effects.

Well, prepare to be proven wrong.

You ever hear of the IKEA Challenge?

Anyone who's had to
put their furniture together

will tell you it's more of
a battle than a challenge.

[CHUCKLES]

- Am I right kid...
- Stop talking.

IKEA gave a school two plants.

Both received the same amount
of water and sunlight,

but one plant was given compliments,

and the other plant was bullied.

And guess what.

The bullied plant wilted, and
the complimented plant thrived.

- That's impossible.
- Is it, Ava?

We'll see.

You are all going
to compliment this plant

and verbally abuse this
plant until it dies.

Everyone line up. Ava, you first.

Aw, your leaves
are so beautiful [CHUCKLES].

You're ugly.
k*ll yourself, you dumb plant.

Great job, Ava.

Mm-mm.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- Okay.
- Whoo.

Oh, someone had a good time last night.

- Uh, such a good time.
- You go home with anyone?

Of course not. I could never
had a one-night stand.

I'm emotionally attached to the
dog who lives across the street

and I only see him through a window.

Ugh, you're so basic.

People think women can't have casual sex

because they'll get attached,
but that is bullshit.

I've had sex with so many
people and I've felt nothing.

In my heart, not my puss.

But I've never had sex with
anyone without asking

about their five-year plan.

Having a one-night stand
can be empowering.

We all got needs, girl.
It's time to get yours met.

Speaking of, where did you
wander off to last night?

- Did you meet someone?
- Oh, no.

I hooked up with Kyle again. [GIGGLES]

He's so stupid. [CHUCKLES]

If I eat in front of him,
he makes this sound effect,

"Har, har, har." [GUFFAWS]

And then I tell him to stop,
and he's like,

"What, I'm not doing anything."
But then if I eat something

again he goes, "Hah, hah, hah, hah."

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] Hilarious. Tell us again.

- Please don't.
- What? It's funny.

I think it's just one of
those inside couple jokes.

- Oh, no, we are not a couple.
- Yeah, they're not a couple.

How long have you two
been seeing each other?

Every night for the past three weeks.

Wait, what?

Sounds like someone has a boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

We just like having sex
with each other every night.

People don't do that
with their boyfriends.

- [FARTS]
- [GASPS]

Oh, my God. You are my boyfriend.

Yeah, and you're my girlfriend.

Each year, the pair unites,
recognizing each other...

[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]

[ROCK MUSIC]

You lose a pearl between your tits?

No, Deb, I just got this push up bra

and I wanted to make sure
it was delivering.

I'm gonna have my first
one-night stand tonight.

Everybody, shut up.
Something horrible happened.

Oh, no, did Jax cheat on Brittany again?

- No, I have a boyfriend.
- What?

You guys were right.

I accidentally got in a relationship.

- Kyle farted in front of me.
- Oh, that's sweet.

That just shows that his brain
releases so much oxytocin

around you that his anus relaxed.

Wow, I never thought I'd see the day.

Caroline's slutting it up,
and you're settling down.

This is more shocking than seeing

a good Adam Sandler movie.

I'm not settling down.
Relationships don't work.

Guys only fall in love
with the illusion of you.

Once they figure out who you really are,

- they leave.
- What makes you think that?

Samuel Howard.

He was the love of my life
until I got a massive chin zit

- and he dumped me.
- Wait, when did this happen?

Sixth grade. But how about my mom?

She's been in hundreds of relationships

and literally every guy
but Bob left her.

And there's nothing wrong with her.

She's never been over a size six.

This is never gonna work.
Once Kyle sees the real me,

he'll leave. And I am gonna prove it.

That sounds healthy.

♪ ♪

Deb, this is not a good look.

The bullied plant is thriving.
It's thriving, Deb.

I don't know what to tell you.

It worked for IKEA.

The bullied plant overcame,

like Bill Gates. Bullying helps.

More people should get bullied.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You better fix this.

I'm getting scared of Diego.

♪ ♪

I made us dinner.

[CHUCKLES]

Are those chicken nuggets
wrapped in American cheese?

Yeah. I hate salad.

This is who I really am.

- Cool.
- How about we watch more PBS?

No. I always watch
"So You Think You're an Actor?"

It's where people who wanna be actors,

and America gets to vote.
It's hosted by Vivica A. Fox,

Freddie Prinze Jr.,
and some bald guy nobody knows.

Great.

..."So You Think You're an Actor."

Up next, it's Zack.

[LAUGHS] Look at that fat loser.

Either lose pounds or enjoy playing

the wacky best friend
the rest of your life.

- Chelsea.
- Mm.

That dude needs to lose like pounds.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

- He does.
- Thank you, Mr. Malkovich.

I chose this monologue
because it reminds me

of the guilt I felt
after my own father d*ed.

Our house burnt down
on Christmas morning...

Oh, wah, and we're supposed
to vote for you?

Come back when you have
a rare genetic disorder.

Your father probably set himself on fire

to get away from you.

[LAUGHING]

[STIRRING MUSIC PLAYING ON TELEVISION]

Oh, man.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- So, this is it.
- Nice.

It's really pink.

Thank you.

Why don't you sit here
while I go get ready?

Sure.

Would you like to watch
"Hope Floats" while you wait?

No.

I'll be right back.

Oh, my God.

Okay, let's get to it, then.

Um, please remove your clothes,

fold them and put them on the dresser,

and then you and I can
have meaningless sex.

Sure.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Go ahead.

What?

Proceed.

♪ ♪

[ROCK MUSIC]

- Hi, babe.
- Hey.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You look beautiful.

♪ ♪

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

♪ ♪

[MUSIC SLOWS TO A STOP]

[FARTING, PLOP]

Nice.

[ROCK MUSIC]

I did it. I had a one-night stand.

ALL: [SQUEALING, CHEERING]

- I'm so proud of you.
- I knew nothing about him,

and he banged me. Uh, he banged me good.

- Oh.
- It was really amazing.

I initiated missionary
and it was a huge hit.

Thanks for opening my eyes, Chelsea.

You know what they say,
Open eyes, open vag.

- Nobody says that.
- Well, yeah, okay.

I've decided that
this is my year of yes.

There are so many things in
my life I've said no to,

and I think I've missed out on so much.

So now I'm saying yes to everything.

And I'm starting with Tinder.

Yes, yes, yes, soul patch?

Yes, yes, yep.

[DOOR KNOCKING]

It's open. Come on in.

Hi, hello.

[QUIET STORM MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi? Who are you?

I'm Mary Louise.

Chelsea's letting me crash here
because I'm so lonely.

♪ ♪

Won't you sit with me?

Sure?

♪ ♪

[CLEARS THROAT] Nice to meet you.

Mm, she won't be back for a while.

Can I give you a massage on your back?

♪ ♪

I do deep tissue.

- No. Thanks.
- Oh, but baby won't tell.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. I'm with Chelsea.

- Ugh, are you kidding me?
- Chelsea? What is this?

- Is this some kind of setup?
- Uh, duh.

And how did you not take the bait?

You're like mentally ill.

- I'm mentally ill?
- Yeah.

You're the one trying to
trick me into cheating.

Well, welcome to me. I trick people,

I lie to people, I set them up.

If you don't like it,
then I guess you don't like me.

You don't think I know how you work?

- No, I don't.
- On our first date,

you told me you had an allergy
where you could only eat

high-end sushi.

- I knew that wasn't true.
- [GASPS]

I didn't take you to SushiSamba

because I believed you.
I took you to SushiSamba

because I liked you.

- And I know you're not .
- [GASPS]

Well, you are intentionally
trying to push me away.

Because you won't stop liking me.

If I was dating someone like
me, I would break up with them

in a heartbeat, because I have
too much respect for myself

to be dating someone like me.

You know what? We're done.

Fine. Just so you know,
this has nothing to do with me

and everything to do with you.
You are so insecure.

You don't believe that
anyone could ever love you.

Cha.

Well, I'm done trying.

[SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC]

See? I knew you would do this.

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Wanna make a fort?

[BLUES ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, there, you must be Donovan.

Caroline, nice to meet you.

Oh, you're British. Fancy.

- You think so?
- Not really.

Listen, I could spend the next two hours

laughing at your lame jokes,
which sound more clever

because they're said
in that posh accent,

or we could get down to brass tax.

We gonna bone or what?

You can just call me London Bridge,

'cause I'm going down.

Hey, partner,
how about a reverse cowgirl?

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[MOANING]

♪ ♪

Jeremy, Jeremy.

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- Calm down, everyone.

Yes, Ava?

If bullying's so bad, how
come the plant's doing so well?

- Okay, bullying is bad.
- It's obviously not.

- Ye...
- We can bully anyone we want,

and because of it, they'll do great.

Oh, really? You know, how about

we do this experiment for real?

What does everyone think about Diego?

I'm sure you have something to say.

I'll start you off. He has a flat head.

- Talk about that.
- Hey.

Diego's head is so flat
it could be a pancake.

[LAUGHTER]

At least my mom wasn't a teen mom.

Flat head.

You and your mom look like sisters.

Oh, oh, okay, okay. That's enough.

No.

So, who feels better now?

Does anyone still think
bullying is great?

- No.
- No.

Good. I think we have time for one more.

What do we think of Mr. Pearson?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Specifically his shirt.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Two more circle jerks, please.

- Sure.
- Oh, none for me, thanks.

I need to be clearheaded
for my banging tonight.

- Mm.
- Chelsea.

I have slept with so many guys,

and I don't even know
half of their names.

- It feels really healthy.
- Mm, good for you, girl.

You get yours.

[SIGHS WITH MOUTH CLOSED]

- You okay?
- No.

I can't stop thinking about Kyle.

I really miss him.

I thought this was what you wanted.

It is. I don't want a boyfriend.

I don't believe in them, and I
stand behind my beliefs, so...

You know, a very wise woman
once told me,

Open eyes, open vag.

I'm really smart.

You need to get back out there.

You're right.

♪ ♪

Hey, are you a model?

Ah, ah, oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

- Oh, yeah.
- God, you're hot.

Yeah.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, I can't.

And that is shocking
for me because of your abs.

Oh, my God, your abs.

Did I... did I do something wrong?

Yes, you're not Kyle.

- ["SNAP OUT OF MY LIFE" PLAYING]
- Into my life.

- ♪ Snap out of my life ♪
- Into my life.

Into my life.

- ♪ Snap out of my life, boy ♪
- Into my life

♪ ♪

- Chelsea?
- Kyle?

- What're you doing?
- Um,

I just tried hooking up
with this insanely hot guy.

I mean, he was gorgeous.

We were making out and touching
each other's bodies

and I was about to eff him,
but I didn't.

- Okay.
- And I felt nothing.

I didn't even wanna blow him.

I only wanna blow you.

[TENDER ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC]

I'm so sorry I sabotaged what we had.

You're right about everything.

I am scared.

And I am insecure.

I never let anyone get close to me.

You know, I watched my mom have
relationship after relationship

that never worked out,
and I just kind of thought

it'd be the same for me.

I wasn't going anywhere, Chelsea.

I care about you.

I care about you too.

But you're gonna have
to be patient with me,

because I am still scared
this is gonna end

in a big ball of flames, but...

I really wanna try to make this work.

I tried making chicken nuggets

wrapped in American
cheese the other night.

It didn't taste the same without you.

Duh.

[TENDER PIANO MUSIC]

Kyle Luke Perry,

will you be my boyfriend?

My middle name is Andrew,
but yes, I will.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

See? Ah, that was so much better

than kissing the insanely
hot guy I was just with.

- Let's stop talking about him.
- Okay.

Mm, mm.

Here you go, my little plant, drink up.

[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC]

- Cecelia?
- [GASPS]

What the hell are you doing to my plant?

I couldn't just let this plant die.

I've been watering it, and I repotted it

in nutrient-rich soil.

You almost made an entire
class of Donald Trumps,

- you stupid idiot.
- [GASPS] Deb.

That's bullying.

[ROCK MUSIC]

Jeremy is such a great student.

He's really emerged as
a leader in the classroom,

and the other children
really respect him.

That's so great to hear.

- Can I ask you an unrelated question?
- Sure.

I don't know if you remember me,

but did I leave
a hardhat at your apartment?

[ROCK MUSIC]