01x11 - Secrets and Spies

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(BUZZING)

(expl*si*n)

REN: Friday. Saturday.
No, Saturday...

Oh, my gosh. If I switch math club
with yearbook

then all I have left on Tuesday is...

"trim unsightly nose hair."

Louis!

What did you do?
Put mayonnaise in her moisturizer?

No. You know what, that's
a good idea though, Mom. Thank you.

Honey, I have great news.

Councilman Mackenzie
is looking for an intern.

Oh, I think you would be
just perfect for this.

He's expecting your call.

Oh, mom, I'd love to,

but my schedule's really busy right now.

Oh.

No, honey, look, you have Tuesday

from : to : available.

Good eye, Mom.

Oh, honey, unless you think
you're too busy...

No, no, no. I can handle it.

-You sure?
-Yeah.

Aw. You are so ambitious.

-I am...mwah...so proud of you.
-(CHUCKLING)

You just remind me of someone.
Let me th... Oh, me.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

(SCREAMS)

-Was that you?
-No.

-Yeah.
-Huh.

I...was looking for my ski jacket.

Your ski jacket, huh?

That's funny 'cause
it's degrees outside.

Did I ask for a weather report?
I don't think so. Get off my back!

Hmm.

Now, since it's my turn

to cook
our international delicacy du jour,

I have chosen this traditional
Vietnamese meal.

You already have your...
(SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE)

-(ALL REPEAT)
-Very good.

Now we will start with the sticky rice.

-ALL: Sticky rice.
-Sticky rice. Very good.

Bon appétit, everybody.
Or, as they say in Vietnam...

-(SPEAKS IN VIETNAMESE)
-(ALL REPEAT)

Very good.

STEVE:
So, uh, Don...

any luck finding that trig tutor?

Yeah, I'm working
with this guy Russell online.

That's good, honey
because trig can be very sticky...

Icky... Uh, tricky. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, I found him at this website...

(DOOR OPENS)

(SIGHING) Hi.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was...

-Oh, honey, I know where you were.
-You do?

EILEEN: Well, of course.

Today was your meeting
with councilman Mackenzie.

Right. Right.
(CHUCKLES) Right.

So, how did it go?

-Did you get the internship?
-Mm, mm-hmm.

-Oh! Isn't that great?
-Way to go.

Congratulations, Ren.

-This is great food, Dad.
-STEVE: Thank you.

Oh, lookie...

Ren's shedding.

-Put in my hat...
-Give me that!

Ren, why do you have a yellow feather?

Oh, Mom, you know what?

Do you remember that...

priceless ceramic cat that just
disappeared from the bookcase?

-Captain Whiskers?
-REN: Yeah.

-You found him?
-REN: Mm-hmm.

I found his dismembered little broken body

wrapped in beach towel in the basement.

I didn't do it.

All right, I did do it.
I'm sorry, I did do it.

-Oh!
-It was really an accident.

I accidentally hit it over the shelf
with a foam dart.

(GASPS)

The thing was evil, Mom. It was evil.

It's beady little eyes
followed me wherever I went.

Didn't you read the family memo
about foam darts in the living room?

Yeah.

I loved Captain Whiskers.

-Donny.
-Don't.

Son...

-Look what you did.
-EILEEN: That's it.

You are grounded for the weekend.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(REN SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)

Hey, Stoolie,

why are you speaking in Japanese?

Why were you spying on me?

I wasn't. I was walking through the hall.

Well, just stay out of my business.

Or Mom's going to know the whereabouts

of Captain Whisker's little friend,
Sherlock Bones.

Also evil.

So, uh...why you freaking out, huh?
You hiding something?

(GASPS)

That's ridiculous.
Why would I be hiding something?

(SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

Ren is up to something.
The question is: What?

Well, she's a girl
and girls do weird things.

-Yeah.
-Hey, that's a great song title.

(SINGING) Girls do weird things

This is what we got:
A mysterious yellow feather;

Japanese phone call;

In the closet.

(GIRL SCREAMS)

Yes, I got it. Okay, look...

Big bird, feather.

Big bird was on the run
from Japanese spies, right?

When Ren found big bird in our closet.

(LOUD CLATTERING)

Louis, forget it, okay?
You are never going to bust Ren.

You know, Ren gets me
every time I do something, okay?

And now, little Miss Perfect's been
running around the house all weird,

and it's payback time.

(SINGING) It's payback time
it's payback time

I'm gonna show you something...

(SINGING) I'm gonna show you something

I'm gonna show you

Get out of my house.

(SINGING) Get out of Louis's house

Louis is cool.

(SINGING) Louis is a big nerd
He is the biggest nerd

Thank you.

This guy's a genius.

Hey, son, how's it going?
That online trig tutor helping you out?

Dad, this guy is so smart.

But not so good with the social skills.

-Really?
-The kid's a sophomore in college

and he's never been on a date.

Well, some of us
are late bloomers, you know?

Well, since he's helping me with trig,
I said I'd help him out with the girls.

-That sounds like a good idea.
-Yeah.

Take him to a roller disco.
That's where I met your mother.

Dad, that place closed,
like way back in the ' s.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Huh, seems like only yesterday

Juice Newton was playing
with the Queen of Hearts...

and so was I.

Well, I'm gonna hit the showers.

-Dad, wait!
-What?

I'll need that shirt for school.

(SCOFFS)

"You left your tighty-whities
in gym class. Coach Tugnet."

Hey, there. You're Ren Stevens'
little brother, right?

The name... The name's Louis.

Yeah, it says so right on his underwear.

-No, no, this isn't...
-Whatever.

Just tell your sister
I said thanks

for referring me
to councilman Mackenzie.

I got the internship.

She got the internship?

Hey, you guys, what's up?
How are you guys doing?

(SPY MUSIC PLAYS)

Another test...

(DOG BARKING)

Oh, little puppy.

Oh, no, you don't do...
No, bad.

That's not good.

-LOUIS: Thank you.
-Oh, thank you.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ha! This place is cool.

Why is Ren here?

Up next on the mic
we have the vocal sounds of !sis.

"!sis"?

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Is... Ow!

(SINGING) You can dance, you can jive

Having the time of your life

Ooh, see that girl

Watch that scene

Digging the dancing queen

Friday night and the lights are low

Looking out for a place to go...

Oh, Ren. Ren...

you know I'm going to hold this
over your head for all eternity.

Anybody could be that guy

(LIP SYNCING ALONG)

The night is young and the music's high...

And I couldn't believe my eyes, man.

She was up on stage,
she was wearing a wig

and she was singing old songs
like our parents like.

Do you think my band could play there?

You know, it could be our first gig.

(SINGING) Girls do weird things

No. Don't you realize what I'm saying?

Angelic little Ren
is lying about her internship.

So, are you going to rat her out?

Oh, you mean like she did to me?

No, no. That's letting
her off way too easy.

'Cause you know what?
t*rture lasts much longer.

Dude, you're starting to scare me.

(GROANS)

Wh...

(GASPS)

(GROANS, GASPS)

All right, class, repeat after me:

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Ren Stevens,
report to room .

CLASS: Ren Stevens,
report to room .

(LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC
IN DISTANCE)

(LOUIS HUMMING)

Javier, that's your cue!

-What are you doing?
-Oh. !sis.

What did you call me?

I said, "Hi, sis."

I want to speak with you
outside now.

Okay. Uh, take five, fellas.

What?

-Ow.
-Why were you playing that song?

It's a good b*at.
It's a real toe-tapper.

Do you think you're funny?
I don't. Nobody does.

In fact, we all feel sorry

for you because we're out
living busy, productive lives,

and you have...
Oh, I don't know, nothing!

So just back off, nothing boy!

EILEEN:
Louis, tonight is your turn

for our international
delicacy du jour.

Mm-hmm. About that, Mom...

I was thinking
that it might be nice

to see a demonstration
of authentic Japanese cooking

right at our table.

I generally don't like strangers
with sharp knives in the house.

No, no. I was thinking
maybe we could go out to eat.

To, like, Tokyo Rick's.

That way we could get a sense
of the environment

and the culture and stuff.

Well, it might be nice.

All right. I do love a good yakitori.

-Oh, yeah. Who doesn't?
-(EILEEN CHUCKLES)

-Okay, honey. Bye-bye.
-Love you.

(HUMMING DISCO MUSIC)

REN:
Whatcha doing?

Why do you care?
I'm just a nothing boy, right?

Not true.

I'm sorry about what I said.

-What?
-I said I'm sorry.

-What?
-Sorry!

I just can't hear enough of that.
(CHUCKLES)

Let me help you.

-Give me that.
-I got it.

Look, I know I haven't been very
nice to you lately...

No, you've been too busy
acting weird.

Don't worry. That's just a little a*mo
for the bus ride.

I know you know what I've been doing
And I just want to explain.

Okay. Well, I'm all ears.

Ruff!

Well, I've been really
overwhelmed lately...

with all my meetings

and the school paper
and my homework.

You know when you're trying
to juggle all of your activities?

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know,
I hang out at school and I do nothing.

Then I hang out at the house
and do nothing.

And it's really hard
to keep my head on straight,

Seriously.
I am not like you.

I'm not good at having fun.
I felt I needed to add some fun

into my schedule
to let off some steam.

So that's why you've been
singing at Tokyo Rick's.

Shh.

I don't know how you caught me,
but that's what I've been doing

Instead of interning
for the councilman.

Well...

actually...

I don't know,
I'm kind of proud of you.

-You are?
-Yeah.

And I think It's cool
that you talked to me.

-Oh, hugs.
-(LAUGHING)

-(WATER HISSING)
-Moisture!

-Oh!
-Sorry.

-LOUIS: Oh, no.
-(CHUCKLES)

I knew you'd understand, Louis.
And that's why I came to you

instead of Mom and Dad.

Mom and Dad?

Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad!

That's right, man.
It's going to be a blast.

My tutor and I,
we're gonna hit the town

-to get some girlies.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'm going to teach him
Donnie's lessons in love.

All right, man, late.

-Oh, hi, there.
-Bye, Mom!

-MOTHER: No sugar!
-Of course not! Bye!

Hi. I'm Russell.

(STAMMERING) Whoa!
You're a little kid, man.

Very observant.

Thanks.

However, despite my diminutive stature
I mastered physics by age four,

I was fluent in seven languages
by age six,

and I mastered all four years
of high school in just three months

emerging triumphantly
with a . grade point average.

May I please use your facilities?

I don't think we have any of those.

-Your restrooms?
-Oh, you mean, the can.

Yeah. It's right over there, dude.

Hey, where's Mom and Dad?

-Uh, they left already.
-What?

They told you to meet them
at the restaurant.

No!

Who's the kid?

Um, this is Russell.
(STAMMERING) He's my tutor.

This is the tutor?

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

(SIGHS)

So many jokes, so little time.

Let's go meet girls.

-What?
-I must say I'm partial

to flight attendants.

Look, kid, the only place I'm taking you
is to a moon bounce.

Exceptional!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, over here, son!

-Hi. This place is great!
-Yeah!

-Sit down.
-Yeah, I know,

-but, uh, we gotta go.
-What? Why?

'Cause of my soy sauce allergy.
I have a soy sauce allergy.

And one piece of Teriyaki,
I'm gonna swell up like a balloon.

And look at this.

I'm breaking out in hives.
You see that one?

-That's a hive.
-I don't see any hives.

They're invisible hives.

It's the worst kind of hives,
I read in a book once.

Yeah. And they're eating me
alive now.

(STAMMERING)
And it hurts.

Louis...stop.

-We're staying.
-Okay, yeah.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow, a show.

Hey, hey, I'll take this.
Okay? Here.

-Louis!
-Let me just set you up...

(SINGING) The time of your life
Ooh

See that girl

Watch that scene

Digging the dancing queen...

-(EILEEN CLAMORING)
-STEVE: Son!

Would you sit down?
We're trying to watch the show!

(SINGING) Friday night
And the lights are low

Steve, doesn't that girl look just like...

Ren!

LOUIS: No! No, it's...

Look! Look! Look! Look!
Look over here!

I'm salting myself.
It's in my eyes.

Look at that.
Look at it, it's a wound.

It's a wound.

Thanks, Louis.
I trusted you.

Ren, we thought you
were at your internship.

I haven't been going.
I've been coming here to sing.

Okay. Not following.

I've been working so hard,
I just needed to have some fun.

Yeah, yeah, she needed to have some fun
'cause, you know, she really works hard,

and, uh, she could use a break.

'Cause, you know,
everyone could use a break.

Even I could use a break.
Not that I work hard or anything.

But you know what?
I could use one,

-because...
-Enough.

I'm sorry that I lied to you.

Honey, why didn't you just tell me
you didn't want the internship?

Because I didn't want
to disappoint you.

Honey, we're not
disappointed.

Everybody's got to blow off some steam
every once in a while, go a little crazy.

-Really?
-Really?

STEVE: Sure.

Remember during the playoffs
when I went to the Kings game

with my body painted in the team colors

and ran around waving my giant
foam finger?

-(LOUIS LAUGHS)
-Actually, Daddy,

I tried to block that out.

Well, what Daddy means is that...

every family deserves a dose
of wacky sometimes.

How about now?

-Nutty.
-Cuckoo!

(GIGGLING)

Ren? Ren, let me
explain something, okay?

Let me try to explain.

I did trail you,
and t*rture you,

and tell on you, but this...

This was all before you
were nice to me, okay?

And I did try to stop them
from finding out. Honest.

So, you still mad at me?

-You know, I'm not.
-(LOUIS CHUCKLES)

I'm actually relieved
to get this all out in the open.

So you forgive me, right?

Yeah. I forgive you.

(BASS GUITAR STRUMMING)

(SINGING) Ain't got no trouble in my life

No foolish dream to make me cry

I'm never frightened or worried

I know I'll always get by

-I heat up
-Heat up

-I cool down
-Cool down

When something gets in my way
I go 'round it...

-(CHUCKLES)
-Must be in the genes.

It is in the genes.

(SINGING) Gonna take it the way
That I found it

I got the music in me

I got the music in me

I got the music in me

In me

I got the music in me

I got the music in me

I got the music in me, yeah

-Woo-ooh!
-(HOWLS)

Feel it, Lou, feel the b*at.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)