01x18 - Movie Madness

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

Before we start our lesson

let's first take our
daily cleansing breaths.

In with the good...

(INHALES)

and...

(EXHALES)

out with the bad...

In with the good...

(STUDENTS INHALING)

out with the bad.

You're late, Louis.

Did I miss that
whole breathing exercise?

I think I caught some air
on the way in.

Just sit down, man.

All right.

Groovy.

Check this out.

TEACHER: All right, Louis.

I can see that you're wound up
about something.

Why don't you share
with the rest of the class.

Thanks, Todd. I will.

Now, I just want you all
to be the first to know...

I, Louis Stevens

will be entering my film

in the Sacramento
Young People's Film Festival.

And after I win first place
in the festival,

and get my million-dollar movie deal,

I will, sadly, be moving
to Beverly Hills

to a sprawling ranch house.

Okay, that's cool.
You've shared enough.

I'm going to need a limo driver

-a gardener...
-Louis...

...a personal chef.

Louis, sit your heinie down.

Now.

Production meeting,
my room, : , okay?

In with the good...

Madame Editor, your goddess of gossip
reporting with this week's column.

Okay, Ruby, how many times
did I tell you

that it's not gossip;

it's just, you know the filtering
of news and information

vital to the social
and psychological well-being

of our entire student body.

Now dish me the dirt.

Check out the Breakups
and Make-ups column.

Heavy turnover.

Oh!

Joel Rosen and Mary Matthews
are over again?

Third time this month.

That's bad. That's just bad...

Baseball team... : .

Inseparable as always.

Oh, there's Bobby Deaver... oh.

(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh... he is... so cute,

I mean.... just look at his hair...

it's like... It's perfect.

Mmm! He is so fine.

You are so crushing on him.

You're right. I'm crushing major.

But that doesn't mean
you have to tell anybody, all right?

(SIGHING)
Look at his walk.

He's so cool.

(BOTH GIRLS LAUGHING)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hey, Ren.

-(LOW-PITCHED VOICE) Uh, hey, Ren.
-Hi, Alvin.

It's Ivan.

(SIGHING)

So, what are you going to do
about you and Bobby?

I don't know... 'cause...
I haven't even spoken to him.

Well, what are you waiting for?

You're right.

You know what? You are right.
I'm going to talk to him today.

Oh, I'm dying.

What are you going to say to him?

-Oh, gosh. I don't know.
-Ren, you don't just walk up

to a guy you're crushing on
and start talking.

I mean, what if nothing comes out?

The first impression

is the most crucial point
in your relationship...

Oh, wait, wait, honey.
Relationship?

We are not at that point yet.

I knew this girl, Vicky,
who had a crush on this guy, Matt.

So, Vicky finds out Matt
is crushing on her, too.

But when Matt goes to talk to her
she had ink smeared on her face

'cause she's a pen-biter...
she's nervous like that.

From that day on, Matt could only think
of Vicky as the girl with blue lips.

Well... I don't bite my pens.

I'm just saying that
when you talk to Bobby,

everything has to be perfect.

You should write down everything
you want to say to him.

That way, you have total control
over your destiny.

Total control. I like that.

But you absolutely have to
let me read it first.

Do you totally promise?

-Oh, I totally do.
-(BOTH LAUGH)

LOUIS:
Friends, we are about to embark

on the magical journey
of moviemaking.

Uh, Louis,
there's the volume, it's...

Right. Oh, um....

Do you realize what being
in this movie means?

LOUIS: You'll walk in as nobodies

but you'll walk out as stars.

-(PANTING) We're going to be stars?
-Yeah, everyone except you, Tom.

Oh.

-You're going to be my assistant.
-Awesome.

Louis,
I haven't seen you this excited

since you learned
to sh**t milk out your nose.

That was big, but this is bigger.

Louis,
I think I may have found my thing.

Your thing?

Everybody's got their thing:
Twitty has his music,

you have your poetry,

Tom's got... his parents.

But we only have a week
to sh**t this, you know?

-To make the deadline.
-Okay, so what's your movie about?

Um, it's the...

classic love story

about... an alien...
that's you, Tawny...

and a cowboy... that's you, Twitty.

Could the cowboy have sideburns?

Uh, I don't see what's wrong
with sideburns, yeah.

-LOUIS: We're collaborating, see?
-Yeah? All right.

I'll see you on set, okay?

TAWNY: Wait, wait, Louis.

So, does the cowboy go to outer space
with the aliens?

Or does the alien work
on the cattle ranch

with the handsome side-b*rned cowboy?

Guys, please... please, okay?

It'll all make sense
when we're filming, okay?

I see stars.

Why do only two of my eyes
need glasses?

Tom?

Do we have any three-eyed glasses?

TOM: Negatory.

A superior life form like yourself
doesn't need glasses, okay?

Twitty, can I talk to you?

Tom, can you take these?
Thank you.

I have to talk to you
about the scene where you meet the...

You have something
growing on your face.

(ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, these things?

These are my muttonchops, old chap.
Do you like them?

You look like the Wolfman.

All right, I do, cheerio, okay.

Wait. What's with the English accent?

Oh, I thought the cowboy
should be from England...

-No...
-You know, Western... England.

Okay, that's not in the script.

What script?

You guys...

Tom, Tom, did you give them
the scripts?

Tom, give the actors
their scripts, please.

Look at them for a second,
then I want to sh**t, okay?

-This is only one page.
-Yeah, where's the rest of it?

We're only sh**ting scene today.

You see, we sh**t out of order.
It's called filmmaking.

All right then, Governor...
shall we have a go at it?

I'm thinking that's a good idea.
Let's do it.

You know, I'm a master
of accents myself.

Did I ever mention
it's always been my dream

to be in front of the camera?

Yeah, that's great, Tom.
Can you get me some water?

(FRENCH ACCENT)
Oui, monsieur, right away! Hon-hon-ha!

LOUIS: Okay, let's sh**t this baby.

Okay? Yes?

W-whoa... shouldn't we, like,
rehearse this first or something?

Let's just sh**t it, okay?

All that script said was...

"The spaceship lands
and the alien looks around."

That's right... you're confused
and frustrated.

Did you read it? Okay.

Now let's go... and action!

This is ridiculous.

I don't know where I am.

-I don't know what I'm doing.
-Cut!

Genius! That is genius!

Right on the money, baby,
right on the money.

-Okay, we're moving on.
-Louis!

Sorry, we have to move on
to scene .

LOUIS: Tom, where's my chair?

"Bobby Deaver. Possible icebreakers:"

(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi, Bobby.

No, no, no.

-(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS)
-Hey, Bobby... nice belt.

(SIGHS)

REN: No! No, no, no.

No, no.

-(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS)
-Hi, Bobby.

Oh, I wouldn't try
that Salisbury steak if I were you.

I'm... stupid. Just... oh!

-(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS)
-Hi, Bobby. I have a big crush on you

and I just wanted
to let you know how I feel.

Ren Stevens.

I like it.

I-- I love it.

LOUIS: Action.

(WESTERN THEME PLAYS)

Hi, cowboy.

Howdy.

Cut.

What are you doing?

You're supposed to say hello.

I did.

No, no, you said "hi," okay?

LOUIS: An alien would never say "hi."
Let's do it again.

LOUIS: Action!

TAWNY: Hello, cowboy.

(REN SIGHS)

Uh! Eww!

Eww! Ugh!

So...

So, this is Texas.

Yup. I mean, uh...

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Right, right, it jolly well is, eh?

What is this disgusting slime
doing in the refrigerator?

LOUIS: Cut!

LOUIS: That's not slime;
it's radioactive plasma.

LOUIS: Tom?

It's disgusting...

Louis, can we...
can we just sh**t this thing here?

I'm ready for my close-up, okay?

What's that in your mouth, huh?

Oh, you mean this...
this, right here?

Oh, I just thought, you know
my character would be more mysterious

-with a gold tooth.
-(CHUCKLES) Tom, rip it out of his face.

(GERMAN ACCENT)
Ja'whol! Give me zat tooth!

People, this is not a democracy!

This... is a movie, it's my movie,

which I will not let you mess up!

Now go outside and I'll meet you
out there, okay?

Louis, will you just chill out?

You're going to get
another nosebleed.

Tom, keep her off my set!

Ooh...

(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS)

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Where's me alien lady friend?

Louis, what is this, man?

I mean, where's the rest
of the saloon?

Cut.

Twitty, it's a close-up.
No one's going to see the saloon.

Now, let's just try it again;
give me a little more.

More what?

Just more.

Oh, Louis wants a little more, okay.

(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS)

LOUIS: Tissues!

LOUIS: Okay, ready?

Action.

-(LAWNMOWER BUZZING)
-Where's me alie...

Hold it... cut! What is that?

What is the noise?

Who mows their lawn on Wednesday?

Does anyone want me
to make this movie?

Tom!

What is this?

TAWNY: It's official...

Louis is... totally out of control.

Is the world against me?

Ren, that stuff you wrote
for Bobby Deaver...

I'm dying.

Oh, man...

Well, I said way too much
and it needs a lot of work.

If he ever read that,
I would be so embarrassed.

-But I already gave it to him.
-What?!

Wha... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You... you... Okay, all right.

I was just writing that stuff
so I could make a really good

first impression.

RUBY: Oh, no!

This is just like
the time Wendy passed...

No, no, no, no! Listen, no stories!

I cannot believe
that you-- you-- you gave it to him?

I didn't give it to him.
I put it in his book.

He'll find it tomorrow,
third period, page

right about when we get
to the outbreak of the Civil w*r.

What if he reads it?

Why would he? No one reads ahead.

I do.

We have got to get that note back.

LOUIS:
Okay, people let's do this, okay?

LOUIS: Now, this is the touching scene

where the alien and the cowboy
say farewell

in the middle of a harsh
winter blizzard. Yeah.

-Tom, you got the snowflakes?
-Ta-da!

LOUIS:
Tom, you chowderhead!

I asked for snowflakes, not doilies.

Well, sorry, but you said snowflakes

and this is the way Miss Wimmer
taught us to make snowflakes

in the first grade.

Oh, yeah, you guys remember Wimmer?

She also taught us how to make
those little paper chains...

Guys, you see this face?

Don't ever make me
make this face again!

LOUIS: And forget the blizzard, okay?

Now, it's a blazing desert windstorm.

In the middle of fall.

Yeah, that'll work.
Okay, now...

you go up in your spaceship,
and you try to stop her. Okay?

Where is the spaceship?

Up there right above your head.

How am I supposed to get up there?

Tom!

That's why you're wearing a harness.

LOUIS: Let's go!

Is this safe?

Of course it's safe.

I had Tom test it on a sack of potatoes.

Yeah, a -pounder.

A sack of potatoes?

TAWNY: Louis!

Can you stop questioning
everything I do?

This is the most important
scene in my movie. And action!

(GRUNTING)

Good-bye, cowboy.
I cannot stay.

They need me back on Planet Zorton.

-TWITTY: Farewell, Zenobia.
-(ROPE CREAKING)

You've taught me so much

but yet... so little.

-Goodbye, my love
-(ROPE CREAKING)

Farewell to my love...

-(SNAPS)
-(SCREAMING)

Cut!

Oh!

Oh, my gosh!
Are you guys all right?

Yeah, but my leg hurts a little bit.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

-But you guys are okay, right?
-Well, basically.

Great. So, we'll take five,
and we'll go again.

I'm not going back up there.

Why? Tom will be more careful
this time, right?

Louis, that's it.

You don't even care
what happens to us.

I'm not doing your
stupid movie anymore. I quit.

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Yeah, me, too, partner.

Go find yourself some other
English cowboy to boss around.

(SNICKERS) You guys think
you aren't replaceable?

Tom, my man, huh?

Here it is, your time to shine.

You're only nice to me
when you want something.

Yeah, so?

Hey, I'll even let you
do those accents.

Okay... here's one.

(ITALIAN ACCENT)
If you don't mind

I'm going to make like
a Tom... and Cruise.

Oh, yeah? That's fine.
I don't need you guys anyway.

I can finish the movie by myself.

It's my thing.

REN: Um...

I'm sorry, little three-eyed girl

but do you know where my brother is?

You know, Ren, I'd laugh except, um
my alien brassiere is k*lling me.

(LAUGHS)

Why don't you be quiet and let me
get back to my movie, okay?

Oh.

Wait a second.

Where's your cast?

LOUIS: They all quit on me.

Bunch of amateurs.

Hey, they're your best friends.

No, not anymore.

I mean, it doesn't matter anyways.

I can sh**t this whole romantic
farewell scene by myself.

So, you're just going
to kiss yourself good-bye?

Yeah, basically.

I mean, if I sh**t the right angle

and disguise my face and my voice,

I mean,
nobody will be able to tell it's me.

It's called "movie magic."

No, no, no.
That is called "creepy behavior."

Why don't you just apologize
to your little friends

and just finish your movie
the right way?

Ren, what planet are you from?

Okay, that's it. I'm going to have
to turn the sprinkler on you again.

(CHUCKLES)

TODD: We stretch for... knowledge

we stretch for...

focus...

I really need to get
that note from Bobby's book.

It's in his bag.

TODD: ...we stretch for concentration.

And again,
we stretch for... knowledge...

we stretch for... focus,

we stretch for concentration.

Ren, is there a problem?

No. You see, Todd,

while all of us were stretching
for knowledge,

I was squatting for truth.

What a great idea, Ren!

Why don't we all squat for truth?

Up, up, up.

And one...

and two and three.

Now, that we've
all opened our chakras,

let's open our books to page

and begin our discussion
on the Civil w*r.

No!

Ren, something wrong?

Yes, I don't think
that we should move ahead

until all of us
are clear on the events

that led to the outbreak
of the Civil w*r.

Is everyone clear?

ALL: Yes.

Okay, moving on.

Page .

Ruby, I thought that you put
the note in his book.

I did. I don't know
what happened to it.

-Sorry, man.
-Oh, it's no problem.

I did. I don't know
what happened to it.

Ren.

I have to talk to you.

Okay.

Okay. What's up?

Ren, it has to end.

What does?

You know what I'm talking about.

The looks in the hall,

the flinging of mash potatoes.

Love notes.

Oh.

Ren, it's getting
a little bit too intense.

Ren, I'm an old-fashioned
kind of guy.

I believe in courtship

and romance.

Ivan, I...

Please, Ren, just don't speak.

I'm going to walk away now.

Try not to watch me.

I'm okay.

Hi, Louis Stevens,
director of Three Eyes Wide Shut.

Hey, let's do lunch sometime, huh?

Hey, have your people call my people.

Hey, yada-yada-yada.
Let's just talk about something, huh?

TAWNY: Louis.

You guys, you came. Thanks.

TWITTY: You're surprised?

I mean, you left us messages.

My mom says you're not allowed
to call anymore.

I'm really sorry, guys.

And after I finished the movie,

I realized I was kind of...

Acting like a jerk?

Right, right.

Louis, I'm willing to put
the snowflake incident behind us.

Same here.

Group hug?

No, I'm good. You good?

-Yeah, I'm fine.
-Okay.

No, but I'm really glad
you guys came.

-Enjoy the movie, okay?
-Okay.

Louis, aren't you going to go inside?

No, I'm nervous.
I'm going to hang around.

ANNOUNCER: And now our final film,
Three Eyes Wide Shut

directed by Louis Stevens.

(ROARS)

(WESTERN THEME PLAYS)

So, this is Texas?

Yep. I mean, it jolly well is, then.

(LAUGHING)

GIRL: What's going on here?

This movie's getting weird.

COWBOY: Farewell, Zenobia.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Bye, my English cowboy.

It was fun while it lasted.

BOY: Hey, that's the same guy.

Oh, gross!
He's not kissing anybody!

-He's kissing himself!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Uh, Louis...

we can kind of see you there.

Yeah, I was trying to blend in.

-My movie reeked.
-Dude, give yourself a break.

Man, I mean,
you got into the festival, didn't you?

And they only took
the top ten entries.

Everyone got accepted.
There was only nine entries.

Oh, well, hey, good sideburns.

That wasn't really
the point of my movie.

I don't think anybody got
what I was trying to say.

Everybody was into it, you know

but then the ending
kind of threw them off

'cause they saw you
trying to play all the parts.

Yeah, you should never wear a dress.

Well, at least not that color.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

There's my mom

and she doesn't like to honk
more than once, so...

-All right. See you, man.
-Later.

Hey.

Hey. Ah, you're still here?

Yeah, I thought you left
in the middle or something.

I was just thinking about the movie.

Louis, it had a great message.

It's about feeling like an outsider

and wanting to be accepted
by your peers.

Yeah. You got that?

Totally.

TAWNY: And when that third eye cried,

I cried.

(CHUCKLES)

Can we watch it again?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, can I ask you something?

Did my thighs look
too fat in a dress, huh?

(SNICKERS)

They look... they looked muscular.

LOUIS: Muscular?

TAWNY: I liked it even better
the second time.

LOUIS:
Wait till you see the outtakes.

LOUIS: And action.

(LAUGHING)

-What's life like out there? You know...
-Uh-oh.

...with the...

(LAUGHS)
Jeez! My bad. I'm sorry.

(SWEDISH ACCENT) My name is Serge;
I am from Sweden.

I can see pretty good
with this thing.

How does it look on me?

That Louis thinks he's so cool.

Big-sh*t director.

I'll show him.

I'm going to be a big star some day

and he'll be sorry
he ever messed with Tom Gribalski.

LOUIS: (SHOUTS) Tom!

Coming!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)