01x20 - Almost Perfect

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

Dude, are you grilling turkey
dogs in your locker again?

It's not smoke; it's steam.

(HISSING)

A hot water pipe has been...

leaking into my locker all week.

Aw...

TWITTY: That's just wrong, man.

Yeah.

Oh, this is nice, this is nice.

There's moss growing
on my egg salad.

Oh, look, this is great.

Mushrooms aren't just growing,

but thriving on my math book.

-TWITTY: Lou, Lou...
-Yeah?

TWITTY: A man's locker
is like his castle, okay?

Yeah, I know.

I should do something
about this, right?

Hey, hey, here's
your big chance, man.

LOUIS: Hey, Principal Wexler...

Forget it, Louis, I don't care
how many rallies you've had.

-No massage chairs in study hall.
-Forget the massage chairs.

My locker's turned into
a steaming, festering pit.

I had a great weekend.
Thanks for asking.

My locker is festering, sir.

It's disgusting.

WEXLER: Ren Stevens,
guess what I have in my hand.

(LAUGHS)

Um, a car title?

You finally bought that red Miata?

Oh, no, no, no. Not yet.
(LAUGHS)

-Yes! Ha-ha!
-REN: Whoo!

With one week left before
our final grades come in,

guess who's in first place
once again to be

-Student of the Semester?
-Oh, I don't know.

I think you do.

-Oh, no, I don't.
-WEXLER: I know you do. (LAUGHING)

-As you know...
-REN: Mm-hmm.

...this honor will ensure
that your picture will hang

in the Wombat Hall of Fame
for the third consecutive semester.

(SIGHS)

WEXLER: And don't forget

the dollar gift certificate
from Harry's Honey Hams.

And as always,
I'll save you the bone.

But, really, we shouldn't
get ahead of ourselves. I mean.

grades don't officially come out
until next week.

Well, on the down low...

Ben Sneed is pulling
a "B" in algebra.

He's got logarithm issues.

Oh, that's too bad.

(CHUCKLES) You know,
you ought to write

something about yourself
for the school paper.

No, I couldn't do that.

Oh, modest, too.

Ren, you are the daughter
I never had.

Well, assign it
to those cub reporters

-you've been training.
-REN: Carla and Marla?

Yeah, they seem to look up to you.

Really? You think so?

-MARLA: We get to interview Ren!
-CARLA: I can't believe it!

-Okay, okay. You start.
-MARLA: Okay, okay, okay...

-No, you.
-You.

-You. You.
-You. You.

Somebody.

Okay, Ren, how does it feel
to be perfect?

(SCOFFS)

-I'm not perfect.
-MARLA: Really?

Name one thing wrong with you.

Well... I...

-CARLA: She's perfect.
-Totally perfect.

-Would you like a Danish, Ren?
-Pencils need sharpening?

You sharpened her
pencils yesterday.

Oh, okay, you sharpen her pencils.
I'll restock her mint dish.

Ah! I've found you!

Ah! Ah!

Ow!

Louis, what is going on?

What? I have a right
to protect myself, sir.

-WEXLER: Protect yourself?
-Yes.

I swear to Pete there is something
growing in there

and I don't think it likes me at all.

Okay, so there's a little moisture
in your locker.

I mean, life forms don't
just generate spontaneously.

Oh, yeah, smart guy?
Look right over there.

Right there in the left corner.
You see it? Down there.

(YELLING)

You want a piece of me?!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

-(FIERCE GROWLING)
-(BOTH SCREAM)

You can use this
until your locker's fixed.

LOUIS: Okay.

Oh, this is nasty.

Oh...

Indeed, it is.

Make yourself at home.

I can make this work.

MR. RUPERT: Remember,
always sand with the grain,

never against.

If you can't tell
with your fingertips,

rub it gently against your cheek.

Mmm...

That's nice.

Ah. Okey-dokey.

Those of you who haven't turned in
your project final project,

finish up.

It's due at the end of class.

Mr. Rupert, I was just wondering

if you got to take
a look at my project

and everything was A-A-A-okay?

Ren, I've been meaning
to talk to you about your project.

You know, there are
many wonderful things

you can do with wood.

Look at Jamal's sailboat.

Nice work, Jamal.

And Tasha's beautiful violin.

And Alex's project...

a reproduced Victorian-era
grandfather clock.

It's beautiful. (CHUCKLES)

And you, Ren, you chose... to make...

a pizza paddle.

A pizza paddle.

Well, sir, it's really smooth. Feel.

Yeah.

Mmm...

-It is smooth.
-(GIGGLES)

Okay, bottom line, sir,
what did I get?

Well, uh, Ren,

I have your grade right here.

(LAUGHING) Sir, that looks like a...

That's a "C".

Guys, this is ; it should be .

Hey, Mark, how you doing?
Put it to the left, right, bud?

Guys, we should have
the ceiling fans now.

Hey, I really like the Mexican tile
around the entertainment console.

-That was a cool touch, bro.
-It's nice, right?

Hey, I want this to be more
than just a locker, you know?

The blue stuff.

I want this to be
a trip south of the border.

My own private Casa de Fiesta.

Hey, uh, just out of curiosity

how are you gonna pay
for Casa de Fiesta?

-Sign?
-Yeah.

There you go.

Thank you, Mr. Wexler.

Yeah. Yeah. I added a little something
extra for you and the guys, too.

-Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
-You guys are doing a good job.

-REN: A "C"...
-Oh, Ren... Ren...

Sorry, guys. Look, Ren...

You have good taste,
so you would know, right?

We're thinking about going
with this burnt tortilla stuff?

It's a paint for our walls.
What do you think?

"C".

Sí?

"Sí." Ah, gracias, Ren! All right!

Pfft.

A "C." How could you?

I'm sorry.

MARLA: Ren, there you are!

We've been looking all over for you.

We need to run some titles
by you for our article.

I like: "Ren Stevens:
A Profile in Perfection".

And I like "Flawless".

"Flawless"?

That doesn't even have
Ren's name in it.

Well, who else would it be about?

Ren, which do you like better?

Hers... or mine?

Whatever.

Fabulous, Carla.
Now you've upset her!

Well, it wasn't my fault.

(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE)

(BELL RINGING)

A pizza paddle?

A pizza paddle?!

I know.

It started out as a coffee table
but it was just too hard.

Okay, it's not the end of the world.

Yeah, it is.
It's the end of my world.

I am an "A" student.

I'm a role model.
People look up to me.

Oh, Ren, Ren...

relax.

No one needs to know that...

(OVER LOUDSPEAKER)
...Ren Stevens got her first "C".

REN: Good, thank you, sir.

I guess I'll just wallow
in my own private shame.

(ECHOING)
Shame... shame.

Why am I echoing?

(ECHOING)
Echoing... echoing?

-Oh!
-Oh!

Had my keister on the mic!

I always do that.

Oh, no. Oh... no.

Carla... Marla...

Look, I know you guys are upset
about my "C" and so am I...

What, so you guys are just
not gonna say anything?

Say something!

(SLURPS)

Fine.

I can't believe you're just gonna
let this happen.

Yeah, Ren. You always have a plan.

"Bring me adversity

for she is the greatest
motivator of all.

Ren Stevens."

I said that?

March eighth, in an impromptu speech
out at the quad.

Hey, you're right, I did say that.

And I'll tell you something else.

I'm not gonna let some wood shop class

just crush everything I believe in.

Yeah!

I did not come this far
to just go out without a fight.

So, can I please get

my pencils sharpened
and my mint dish refilled now!

MARLA AND CARLA: Yeah!

Give me a hug. Okay.

I wanted you to be the first
to see it.

-You ready?
-I'm tingling, bro.

Okay.

Check it out, man.

Isn't this cool?

All right!

Dude, I'm in Mexico.

No, my friend, you're not in Mexico.

(MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYING)

LOUIS: Now you're in Mexico!

-Tropical smoothie?
-Sure.

Hey, you got any of those
little umbrella thingies?

Dude, please.

-For you.
-All right!

Mm. Mm!

Check this out.
Retractable chairs from the walls.

-Isn't that cool?
-Yeah.

See that thing over there?
That's not a guitar.

It's a bass, and I got it
shipped in from Mexico.

Oh!

-See that matador painting?
-TWITTY: Very nice.

LOUIS: The guy at the gas station
told me that's on real velvet.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Excuse me.

(GASPS) Principal Wexler... sir.

Yeah, um... um...

Uh... could you come back later,
'cause I'm kind of busy?

Stevens, who approved this work
order for closet renovation?

Um... looks like your signature
down at the bottom.

For your information,
there's only one "X" in "Wexler".

What in tarnation
have you done in here?

Wait, sir, sir, you said
to make myself at home, so I did.

Tropical smoothie?

Stevens, I want you, your smoothie

and your tacky

velvet matador painting out of here

in hours!

That's unfair. We just built it.

I kind of like the matador painting.

Yeah. Tacky?
He paid bucks for that.

Well, you know, dude,
if you have to leave,

I say fiesta!

Muy grande fiesta!

-Olé!
-Olé!

(MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYING)

REN: Mr. Rupert, all I'm asking for

is just a chance
to bring my grade up.

I mean, how about a think piece,
you know

-on that saw, the cute little one?
-The chop saw?

Yes, that one!

Ren, maybe you haven't noticed
but I love wood...

as a fuel source, as a raw material,

even as a means of transportation.

Wood is my lady,
and if I make a concession for you,

then I'm only hurting her.

You know, gosh, that's a...
that's a beautiful sentiment, sir.

Except, you know what?
I need another chance.

I want to love wood
just as much as you.

You just want an "A",
so you can keep your perfect record.

Well, yeah, but...

Look, this is really important to me.

Okay, Ren, I'll give you a sh*t.

Yes! Thank you, thank you!

I mean, I'll do anything.
I'll stain your bumpers.

-Don't joke about wood, Ren.
-Okay.

Okay, so come by class
tomorrow afternoon after school

and we'll work something out.

All right. Thank you.
I will be there.

-Okay.
-REN: (SIGHS)

LOUIS: Oh, hey, bro. Nice to see you.

It's nice to see that you came,
too, man.

Hey, how you doing, bro?

Thanks for coming. Thank you.

Hey, how you doing? Nice.

Hey, how was cheerleading practice?

Nice?

I've got something
to cure your problem.

All right, eat those.
Hey, enjoy the party.

What's up, guys? What's up, Anthony?

Oh, hey, Carly.

Welcome to Louis' Farewell Fiesta!

And you are...?

Carly Blane, Twitty.

I'm your cousin.

Carly Blane...

AARON: Yo, Twitty!

Oh, hey, Aaron. Come on in, bro.

What's up? What's happening?
Enjoy the party. All right.

Ah, excuse me.

Okay, Carly Blane... Carly Blane...

This is embarrassing.
Could it maybe be under another name?

Ren, you are gonna
build me a footstool.

A footstool.

To be specific,
a McClemore footstool.

Okay.

Simple, classic lines
with mitered butt joints.

You build me
a perfect McClemore,

you get your "A".

Okay, let's rock 'n' roll.

(EXHALES)

-There. It's done.
-Very good, Ren.

Now, just give me five minutes
to conduct a preliminary evaluation.

Then you can come back
and I'll give you your grade.

Okay. Thank you, sir.

I've just got to brush
this... stuff off first.

(SNEEZES)

Come on in, guys, come on in.

Whoa, excuse me.

All right, you're family
so let me see what I can do.

Hey, Louis!

Carly Blane... she's not on the list.

Carly who?

Louis, you've known me
since kindergarten!

You used to eat my paste!

Where's...?

Now, you're...? Carly Blane.

I'm just joking. I know you.
I'm just playing around.

How you doing?

Good? Have fun.

You know what? You guys have been
waiting long enough.

Go ahead and let them in.
Let them all... Come on in! Yeah!

(CHEERING)

Hey, Ren...

if you were an ice machine, okay?...

I'm not saying you are or anything...
but where would you be?

I don't know, the cafeteria?

Ren, I think you're getting
down to the bone there.

I'm nervous, okay?

-When I'm nervous, I file.
-Right.

Oh, yeah, your stool thingy.
How's that going?

REN: I don't know yet.

You know, my whole academic
career comes down to this.

If I don't get an "A",
I'm not gonna be top student.

I'm gonna be second best.
I won't have the Wombat Hall of Fame.

I won't have the honey ham.

You know how sweet a honey ham
tastes when you're number one?

Ren, I'm... I'm gonna
go get that ice. Yeah.

(HEAVY SIGH)

The worst part about it

is that if I don't get an "A"...

I'm gonna let down everyone
who believes in me.

What? Because you're not perfect?

Basically.

Ren, come on.
I mean, that's a lot of pressure.

Oh. (SCOFFS) I can handle it.

Ren, can I ask you a question?

-Go ahead.
-Okay.

You've been my sister
basically all my life, right?

That's just brilliant, Louis.
What's your point?

You ever...

want to be normal?

Normal? What do you mean, normal?

Well, you're always trying
to be perfect at everything.

What's wrong with being perfect?

It's not normal.

MR. RUPERT: Ren!

I'm ready for you.

Go ahead.

-I'm going.
-Yeah, go ahead.

This is it.

LOUIS: Hey, Ren!

Good luck.
I hope you get what you want.

MR. RUPERT: Let's see, now...

Uh-huh.

Okay.

(DOOR CREAKS)

You might as well join us.

Ren, we are here for you totally.

-Totally.
-WEXLER: Totally.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Carry on.

Well, Ren, your stool
is structurally sound.

But we have to see
if it'll pass my marble test.

Now, if the marble doesn't roll

and the stool is perfectly level,

you will get your "A".

Oh, no!

You know, Ren, uh, there's been
a lot of seismic activity

in the area.

I'm not so sure
this floor is perfectly level.

So, allowing for a margin of error...

I don't see why you can't get...

your "A".

-Yeah!
-(GIRLS CHEERING)

People, people, the marble rolled.

Mr. Rupert, I really appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but we both know
that this isn't "A" work.

And I would really like...

to know the grade that I deserve.

B-minus.

Oh, but, Ren
what about your perfect record?

(SCOFFS) What about it?

You know, I'm really tired
of being perfect.

It's been driving me crazy.

-Nobody is perfect.
-You are.

No, I'm not.

I'm just a kid who works hard
and tries to do her best.

If you guys want to admire me
for that, that's really cool.

But other than that, I think you
should just back off.

-She's got a temper.
-Major.

Principal Wexler, Mr. Rupert,
thank you for everything.

Right now...

I'm going to go be normal.

Let's go party at the Casa de Fiesta

Jumping up and jumping down
At the Casa de Fiesta

Party, party all night long

At the Casa de Fiesta

Pick you up and spin you around

-At the Casa de Fiesta
-Come on!

Hey, Ren.

-Oh, hey!
-LOUIS: What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just hanging out
having a good time being normal.

Isn't that right? I'm being normal.

Ren, you're talking to a piñata.
That's not so normal.

-REN: Come here.
-Hey, guys, this is Ren!

Hey, Ren, Ren, Ren,
meet the mariachi guys.

-Hi!
-This is Ernesto.

Ernesto, nice to meet you.

-And Manuel.
-Hi!

Manuel!

...Fiesta
Party, party all night long...

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Stevens!

Stevens, I'm closing you down!
This party is over!

(RUMBLING)

(CLAMORING)

-That was a heck of a party.
-Yes, it was.

Stevens.

You're not getting my matador.
None of you!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)