03x01 - First Day of School

[bunniefuu]

Hurry up we don't want to be
late. For the first day of school!

Who are you? You
don't even like school.

Oh, no, I do, now that
I am Bridget Hennessy,

student body president.

Which one says "I am a
leader of power and integrity"

the blue thong or the gray?

I don't care what
thong you wear!

You know, that kind of apathy

is so typical of
your generation.

[Sighs]

Okay, I have a problem,
and I need your advice.

Your president is here for you.

Okay, here's the thing.

I-I-I changed in
Europe this summer.

I mean, I grew up,
and it made me realize

that I have to break up with
Kyle and I have to do it today.

Why are you nodding like that?

My listening face. I learned it
over the summer in Washington.

I have to break
up with Kyle today!

What?! Why didn't you
tell me?! What happened?!

Well, I met this
awesome guy in Paris,

and I don't know what's
gonna happen with him,

but I do know that I shouldn't
be with Kyle anymore.

Stop it! All right!

I mean, I don't
know how to do this.

I've never broken up
with anyone before.

Do what I do. It's worked
for me a billion times.

Just tell Kyle someone
better will come along.

And in your case,
it'll even be true.

Wow. You're all dolled up.

Where are you headed, thurston?

I'm going downtown to have
breakfast with an old friend.

We're meeting
at his private club.

Ohhh. Is that what they
call the mission these days?

Ah, hey, there's our new
high school freshman.

Big step. You scared?

No.

Well, you should be.

A lot of upperclassmen

are gonna want to
b*at the hell out of you.

What are you telling him?

He's got to know.

You'll be fine.

He's a dead man.

[Sighs] I'm sorry I'm late.

Boy, these night
shifts are k*lling me.

Oh, are you kidding?
You look fantastic.

A cadaver in scrubs.

Girls, come on!
First day of school!

Let's not be late!

You're gonna wear that?

I thought it was cute.

Too cute. You can't break
up with Kyle in those pants.

Why not? 'Cause
you look too good.

It won't take.

Why don't you wear
your hideous black pants

with the gold rings
down the sides.

You said they look great on me.

I'm a politician. I say a
lot of things I don't mean.

Catie, that
principal Gibb called.

He wants to see you.

They're not even in school
yet. Who could be in trouble?

Maybe he just
wants another date.

Mmm!

We never dated.

I am not romantically
involved with ed Gibb.

Or any of the Gibb brothers.

Mom, have you
seen my black pants?

They're missing.

Uh, honey, maybe
that's for the best.

You said you liked them.

I'm a mom. I say a lot
of things I don't mean.

I think they're in the
laundry. I'll get to them later.

You're doing the
laundry now? Eww.

I'm helping out your mother
while she's working nights.

Unless, of course,
you want to take over.

Eww!

Yeah.

Well, I got to get downtown.

Oh, yeah, we got to go,
too. Everybody -in the car.

Mom...are any seniors
gonna b*at me up today?

Oh, no, honey. You'll be fine.

That's another one of
those things moms say.

If you want, I'll drive him.

No, that's okay. I actually
want to catch up with him.

I miss him so much.

Ooh, you must be
so excited to see Kyle.

Um, by the way, Mr. Laundry
man, I can't find my red thong.

I thought that was
a handkerchief.

Oh, dear God!

Where's mom?

We're safe. She's
at the end of the hall.

At least she was cool
enough not to walk with us.

Bye, girls! Have
a great first day!

Uh, what's that?

Oh, god. I bet it's from Kyle.

Give it to me.
What are you doing?

Your mission is to
break up with Kyle today.

You don't need any distractions.

Do you know what
you're gonna say?

I don't know. I've
never done this before.

Just use the line I use
when I break up with a guy.

"I'm only -
you'll go to jail"?

No.

You say very sweetly
"It's not me. It's you."

No, no. Don't you mean
"It's not you. It's me"?

Please. It's never me.

[Laughter]

All right, man.

All right, man.

Later, dude.

Hey.

I can't get my locker open.

Freshmen.

It's not gonna pick itself up.

Here you go, big guy.
Anytime. It's all good.

Love the hat.

Isn't that nice, Rory.

First day of school, you
already made a new friend.

And you were so nervous.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hi, Ed. You wanted to see me?

Yes, come in.

I'm not in trouble, am I?

Not unless you're chewing gum.

[Chuckles nervously]

You look terrific.

Well, thanks. So do you.

Have you been working out?

In a manner of speaking.

I raise watermelons, and, uh...

Well, somebody has
to bring them inside.

Please, sit down.

So, uh, how was your summer?

It was good. It was really good.

The kids were gone.

Actually, it was the
first time I was alone.

I redecorated my room.

I got a new bed. Hmm.

I don't know why
I mentioned that.

Well, probably because,
uh, you got a new bed.

[Laughs]

Maybe we should
just get off my bed.

Oh, God.

Look, uh, Cate, this is a
little awkward for both of us,

but, uh, I want you to
know it doesn't have to be.

I'm really okay with the fact

you weren't ready
to go out with me.

We're both adults,
and we can handle it.

[Sighs] Thanks, Ed.

That was exactly
what I needed to hear.

And so well put.

Thank you. My
therapist wrote it.

[Laughs]

Anyway, that's not

what I wanted to
talk to you about.

Um, our school
nurse is retiring,

and I'd like for you to
think about taking her job.

Wow.

Seriously?

I ask you this because,
first, you're a nurse

and, secondly,
you're exactly her size,

so we won't have
to buy new smocks.

Well, I-I don't know -

okay, we'll buy new smocks.

Boy, you drive a hard bargain.

Think about it, Cate.
It could be wonderful.

The hours are great,

and you'd get to spend
more time with your kids.

Ooh. That's tempting.

I feel like I'm
missing everything

that's going on with them.

I could sweeten the deal

with about
pounds of watermelon.

I'm gonna think about it.

Thanks, ed.

-Bye.
-Bye.

They're...seedless.

Just...

Okay, what's next?

Well, Bridg -

Uh! 'Madame president'

Some of the students
are complaining

that they have to park
too far from school.

That's because all the
teachers get the good spots.

We're more important.
We're the future.

They're teachers.
They have no future.

So what should we do?

Uh, valet parking for seniors,

and the driver's ed
class can park the cars!

Is there any problem
that you can't solve?

Algebra, page ,
problem . Do it for me.

[Laughter]

Please don't see me,
please don't see me,

please don't see me.

[Laughter continues]

Hey! Looks like we're
showering with the girls today!

[Laughter]

[Shower water running]

Hey, Kerry! How did
Kyle take the breakup?

I didn't do it. I've been
avoiding him all day.

Kerry! I just don't
want to hurt him.

He's gonna be
hurt no matter what.

Oh, my God. There he is.

Hey, you're not going anywhe--

Hey; Nice top.

You said you hated it.

You cannot believe a word I say.

Except for this -

The longer you wait, the
harder this is gonna be.

I know, I know.

You have to do
this. He's coming.

Okay, I can do this.

Uh, I -

Oh!

Hey!

Didn't I just see Kerry?

She was here a second ago.

So principal Gibb wants you
to be his naughty school nurse.

Are you gonna do it?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I would
see the kids more.

Ooh, mom at school -
every teenager's dream.

You know what, grandpa?

Maybe you could
be a crossing guard,

I'll teach rugby.

We'll be a ragtag team
of misfit schoolpeople.

Oh, hi, honey.

How was your
first day at school?

Whoa! What is that smell?

Are you composting in there?

Very funny.

I thought Kerry was the
one that went to France.

I didn't have time
to shower after gym.

So you rolled
around in horse crap?

Uh, look, I got to go to work.

Lucky you.

So you go upstairs
and take a shower.

You burn his clothes.

Bye, mom.

Oh, you disgust
me. But I love you.

All right, 'Pig-pen'. Spill it.

What?

They always give you time
to shower. What's going on?

Well, I was at school today -

wait a second.
Here -hold this.

Step back a little bit.

Come on. It's not that bad.

When it was time
to take a shower -

maybe one more back.

There were all these
seniors just staring at me -

this is gonna have
to wait till tomorrow.

No, no, no, no! Hey,
come back here!

Just talk fast, Rory.

I couldn't take a shower.
I just couldn't do it.

All these seniors came in

hairy seniors... With hair...

Everywhere.

Right, and you're...

Not hairy -anywhere.

The family curse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What curse?

Uh, the men in our family

take a little more time

to grow, uh,
grass in the infield.

Ironically, the women
grow beards early.

Yeah.

I just can't stop thinking

about what I'm gonna look like

next to those
guys in the shower.

Don't worry. Just do what I did.

I'm doomed!

Let me tell you
how I handled it.

I walked in there
like I owned the place,

head held high, proud
of the body god gave me.

And that worked?

Absolutely.

Now go hose off.

You remember the beatings?

It never goes away.

C.J.?

C.J.!

Okay, your black pants
aren't in the laundry. I lied.

Truth is, I was on
a date last night,

and I spilled a bowl
of clams on her.

She was wearing black
pants, so I gave her yours.

It's not about the pants.

Good, 'cause I don't think
I'll be seeing her again.

I wanted to know if mom
was home. I need to talk to her.

Well, wait. Talk to me.

I'm more than just
a 'washerwoman'.

Okay, what kind of things
might a girl say to a guy

if she wants to end a romance?

Mmm...

"I'd rather French-kiss
a car battery."

"I'm going back to men."

"That'll cost you
an extra $ ."

So, girls have actually
said those things to you?

No.

No. No. I'm just spitballing.

Well, how can I do it
without hurting him?

You can't. You have to
stay with this guy forever.

What?

I don't care if his
touch repulses you.

I don't care if you're
seeing other men.

You stay with him forever.

But even if I -

Forever.

Well, what if I -

I'm talking "Forever"!

You gave my pants away?

Forever! Forever!

He's useless,

but he does iron a good t-shirt.

Hey, grandpa.

Kiddo, I don't know if this will
help with the Kyle business,

but I, uh...

I found something you
might be able to use.

What is it?

It's a "Dear John"
letter I got in Korea.

Well, do you really think
your old "Dear John" letter

is gonna help me
break up with Kyle?

Well, I wouldn't use any of
the Eisenhower references,

but, uh, you said you
wanted to spare his feelings.

This spared mine.

Dear Jim, I'm writing you

from my grandmother's
front porch.

All I see are
acres of sunflowers.

They remind me of you -
tall and strong and handsome,

making people smile.

You're a good man, Jim,
but I've met someone else.

Like the sunflower,
I think we've had our season.

I'm sorry if
I disappointed you,

but thank you for
making me more

than I ever thought I could be.

Always -Betsy.

That's so romantic.

Yeah.

You really loved
her, didn't you?

Mm-hmm.

And this... Softened the blow.

Thanks.

Tramp!

Hey, Bridget!
-Oh, Hi Kyle

Do you know if Kerry got
the card I left this morning?

She hasn't talked to you?

About what?

[Sighs]

Kyle, look...

You shouldn't hang all your
happiness on one person.

I hear that.

Um...Kyle, Kyle...

There's no easy way to say this,

but I am president now,
and the buck stops here,

as does your
relationship with Kerry.

What?

Kyle, Kerry can't
do this on her own,

so I'm doing it for her.

You guys are...over.

Hey, but on the bright side,

we are gonna have
valet parking very soon.

Well, little sister,
I've got good news.

Me too.

I figured out why I've been
having so much trouble

breaking up with Kyle -
it's because I don't want to.

So I'm not going to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

I know this sounds crazy,
but I read the letter again,

and it's incredibly romantic.

He made me remember
how sweet he is.

What's your good news?

Principal Gibb is giving
out free watermelon!

They're seedless!

So, your good news is

principal Gibb is giving
away free watermelon?

You don't even like watermelon.

T-the seeds. I hate the seeds.

These are seed_less.

[Chuckling] Okay. Whatever.

I'm gonna call
Kyle and apologize.

I'm saying every
bite -not a seed!

Okay, what is going on?

Well, you know, I just...

Kyle may, sort of, kind of...

Little bit be under
the impression

that you already
broke up with him.

And how did he
get that impression?

I kind of, um... Kind
of mentioned it to him.

And how did you do that?

I broke up with him.

What?! For you!

You're welcome! [Scoffs]

You broke up with my boyfriend.

This is the stupidest
thing you've ever done!

No, no, it's not.

Remember -for seven years,
I thought potatoes could talk.

Is Kerry here?

I haven't seen her all day,
and I need to talk to her.

She hasn't talked to you yet?

No. She's been avoiding me.

I got to help you out,
you poor sap. Have a seat.

You don't have to do
this. I already know.

Okay. In her defense,

she never meant to
fall in love with this guy.

There's a guy?!

I'll go get her.

Hey, Kerry, uh, listen,
Kyle's downstairs to see you,

and he's, uh, steamed
about something.

I got to go downstairs
and straighten this out.

I got to tell you something
else, and I'm not proud of it.

You're wearing my pants.

Those are my pants.

All right! I like the
way they fit, okay?

Now, on another note, I told
Kyle about the guy in Europe.

What?! He grilled me!

Ah, there's the
dryer. I got to go.

God! This family
is out of control!

What am I gonna say to Kyle?

I'll fix it.

You have done enough.

I'm sorry, okay? I really am.

I guess I just didn't realize
how much you loved Kyle.

You do love him, right?

So, like the sunflower
that has its season,

an early frost has knocked
the hell out of you and Kerry.

Or something like that.

Kyle, we need to talk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I got it!

Wait!

I'm sorry, Kerry, but
someone had to tell him.

Hey, hey, hey!
The girly-boy's back!

It's not "Girly-boy."

My name is Rory
Hennessy -freshman.

What?

Or girly-boy. Whatever you like.

No, you said "Hennessy."
Are you Bridget's brother?

Can't you see the family
resemblance? Heh heh.

Don't hurt me.

Can you tell her I
think she's really hot?

Sure. Sure. No problem.

So, what -you on the
swim team or something?

It's not gonna pick itself up.

I should have told you myself.

It just never occurred to me

that my whole family would
break up with you before I did.

[Scoffs]
Yeah.

I even had a few phone
calls from Rory last night.

But I didn't call him back.

I'm sorry.

You were always so great to
me, and you're such a sweetheart.

I just want you to know it
had nothing to do with the guy.

Europe changed me.

[Sighs]

Please don't hate me.

I don't hate you.

I hate Europe.

The whole country.

I'll never forget you.

I'll never forget you either.

So, I guess this is goodbye.

I guess.

[Bell rings]

This would work a lot better

if we didn't have
classes together.

C.J., The roast is in the oven.

Dad, help them
with their homework.

And make sure they
get to bed on time.

How much longer are you
gonna work on this night shift?

[Sighs] I don't know.

But that job at school is
looking better and better.

You know -normal
hours, my own office.

There's even a rumor they're
gonna have valet parking.

Hey.

Hi, g*ng.

All right, I got two
seconds. Catch me up.

Kyle wrote me a romantic note.

Then I broke up with
him, and then I did.

And I made a
friend in the shower.

Don't worry. We're on top of it.

Except the friend in the shower.

We'll look into that.