03x03 - The School Nurse

[bunniefuu]

Bridget you've been
in there for an hour

You're not the only one
who has to be at school!

I'm sorry, Kerry, I am
student body president now,

and leadership starts
from the hair down.

Ugh, I don't believe
you! You're so selfish!

Well, at least
I'm still a virgin.

What does that have
to do with anything?

God, you are such a twit!

At least I'm still a virgin.

Stop saying that!
Mom might hear you!

You're right. I'm sorry.

Seriously, what are you doing
in there that takes so long?

Virgin stuff.

Will you guys stop
saying the word "Virgin"?

You heard that?

From the basement.

There's certain words my ear
is acutely attuned to hearing.

"Virgin" is one of them.

Hmm, actually,
it's the only one.

How about "b*at it,"
"Leave," and "Get out"?

Nope, not getting anything.

Anyway, I'm just saying

unless you want the
whole world to know

what Kerry did on
her "Summer vaca"

I'd dial it down a notch.

-Virgin.
-Playing with fire!

Don't you think it's about
time you got ready for school?

Grandpa, you don't
have to get rid of me.

There's no prize in this box.

I'm just saying
it's getting late.

I don't want to go.

There's this bully at
school, Pete Schiller --

"k*ller Schiller."

He said if I showed up,
he'd punch my lights out.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Why, you think he's all talk?

No, getting knocked
out is like going to sleep.

Are you gonna eat the toast?

You try to steal our
newspaper again,

you'll wind up in
the "obit" section,

you got that?!

Ba-dow, how do you like me now?!

Hey, little Hefner,
what's with the pjs?

He's afraid of
some bully at school.

Oh; You see how I
talked to that neighbor?

A punk like that
gets in your face,

you bring the pain.

You rain it down on his world.

That "punk" is four years old!

Yeah, but he's as
big as a -year-old.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Rory, go get dressed.

We have to leave
in five minutes.

What's the hurry?

I got to get there early
to talk to principal Gibb.

What'd Bridget
do wrong this time?

Nobody did anything wrong.

The principal wants to
talk to me about a job.

The school nurse is retiring and
he wants me to take her place.

The school nurse?
-Yep.

At our school?
-That's right.

Seriously, mom,
what did I do wrong?

All right, what are
you two talking about?

Nothing.

Well, you're obviously
talking about something.

They think you only the nurse's
job so you can spy on them.

Kerry's afraid I'll tell you,

but Bridget doesn't
think I can hear them.

Oww!

Can you hear me now?

So, you think I
want to take this job

so I can pry into your lives?

Oh, come on, mom.

It's pretty obvious from the
way you grill us after school.

Yeah, you mean like when I
say, "How was school today?"

So, you admit it.

Look, here's the deal.

I am tired of working
nights at the hospital.

And I promise,

if I take this job, I will
respect your privacy.

Well, I guess it wouldn't
be too embarrassing

to have you there.

As long as you'd never
come out of your office.

-And wear a wig.
-And change your last name.

You make it sound like
I'm a three-headed freak.

As far as moms go,
I think I'm pretty hip.

Uh, hello! "Hip"
is a body part.

Come on, now, I
listen to you girls talk.

I know some of that lingo.

I'm "With it." I am
"Down with the program."

Oh, my God!

-What?
-Just stop the vehicle!

Well, this isn't your school.

Well, it is now.
We're transferring.

You saw that she hit me, right?

-Ed?

Ed, are you in there?

Cate, come in. Come in.

Thank you so much
for coming in so early.

As you know, I-I-I'm
very busy and...

Were you taking a nap?

What?! Wh--why
would you ask me that?

Well, your eyes are puffy
and the blinds are drawn...

And there's a
pillow on your desk.

Well, don't jump to conclusions.

There's a simple
explanation for...

All right, yes, I-I was napping.

I've given up coffee,

and I'm having a
really tough time of it.

I went cold Turkey.

Yeah, I did that once.
It made me so cranky.

Well, we're talking about
me right now, okay?!

I'm sorry. Have a seat.

So, uh; Have you had a chance

to give some
thought to my offer?

Well, actually,
I'm very interested.

Uh, my children
aren't exactly thrilled.

They have this crazy idea
that I might embarrass them.

Oh, well, they'll get over that.

I've seen you them with you.

They trust you and
they admire you.

So, I'm like the only
candidate you have?

Basically, yes.

And here's the deal.

Your kids are gonna
be embarrassed by you

no matter what you do,

so why don't you make the
choice that's best for you.

In the long run, that'll be
best for the entire family.

Well...

All right.
I'll take the job.

You will? -Yeah
Fantastic! -Ha, ha!

Oh!

Welcome aboard!

Oh...

Oh!

This isn't-

It's not gonna be
uncomfortable between us?

No. No. Absolutely not.

I promise you're gonna
be like one of the guys.

Ow.

I'm sorry.

I'm really not
myself these days.

Margie, coffee, now!

You're gonna love it
here. We're like family.

This is Bridget hennessy,
student body president,

with today's announcements.

The Ultimate Frisbee
Club will be practicing

from : to :
on the north lawn.

Remember: If a dog can
do it, it's not a real sport.

On another note,

the Metaphysics Club
is meeting tomorrow,

or, are they?

What does that mean?

Hey, Kyle.

Hey...

See? We can be friends.

And you thought breaking
up was gonna be awkward.

I'm sorry.

I just haven't had a
chance to take this down.

Okay, now this is awkward.

In other news,

don't forget ...Friday
is school picture day,

so anyone who's having any
embarrassing complexion issues

might want to take
extra care this week.

You know who you are.

Finally, there is no truth to
the rumor me and Jenna sharpe

are wearing the
same skirt today.

Mine is a size smaller
and looks way cuter.

You forgot to
mention Art Fair, again.

Oh, sorry.

There's an 'Art Fair'...
Like anybody cares.

Hi, girls!

Schiller: Hennessy,
I'm gonna pound you!

Uh, Rory, what's going on?
-Nothing...

Mom

Well, now that you're all here,

might as well tell you.

I'm taking the job.

You're gonna be here every day?

That's right, sweetie.

-My life is over.
-k*ll me now.

Welcome aboard, mom.

Oh, Hi, Marisa.

Mrs. Hennessy; What
are you doing here?

I'm the new school nurse.

Oh, congratulations!

Well, see ya!

Oh, no, honey, come here.

Look, I understand this might
be awkward talking to me,

but just forget that
I'm Bridget's mom.

In here, you can say anything.

-And you won't freak out?
-Nope.

All right,

I got a tattoo, and
now I think it's infected.

See?

Whoa!

Did you do that at home
with your dad's screwdriver?

Just kidding.

Uh, actually, it's a lovely
butterfly, dragon, snake.

It's a peace sign.

Right.

Uh, I'm just gonna
clean that up,

but you should go
to your family doctor

and get a tetanus sh*t.

O-okay...

That's it ...no lectures?

No, I was a teenager once.

I did a lot of crazy
things myself.

I never knew Bridget
had such a great mom.

Well, I like to think I'm "Hip,"

"With it," "Down with the pr--"

The point is Bridget and I
have a very open relationship,

and there's nothing
she can't tell me.

So jealous

So, did Bridget's
tattoo get infected also?

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, your mom forgot
her purse at home.

You don't happen to
know her pin number

by any chance, do you?

Check it out. Here
comes 'Schiller'.

Hey, freshman, my shoe's untied.

Tie it yourself, ass-face.

What did you just say?!

Remember, my
mom, a school official,

is right behind this door.

Smart...

You smell like an ape,

but at least you're
not as dumb as one.

Oh, ho ho, good one.

Speaking of dumb,

you're so stupid, when you
heard it was chilly outside,

you ran out with a
bowl and a spoon.

Heh heh, that is stupid.

What are you laughing
about? You're holding a purse.

I know you're not
talking about my cousin.

Hey, isn't that your mom
walking down the hall?

No.

Mommy!

Rory, don't be
afraid of that baboon!

Rain the pa...oh!

And, finally, auditions for
the senior musical "Annie"

will be held tomorrow.

"Tomorrow," Hennessy out.

Bridget; We have to talk.

Uh, mom, I thought we
agreed not to do that at school.

No one is even watching.

Uh, hello, mom, it's me.
Someone is always watching.

Do you have a tattoo?

What?!

You heard me! Do you?

Do you?

Fine, yes, okay?

No, it's not okay.

I specifically told
you no tattoos.

How did you find out? I
thought you weren't gonna spy.

And I thought I could trust
you. You are grounded.

Wh--that is so unfair!
You never ground Kerry!

I do when she deserves it.

Please, you watch me like a hawk

while you let miss goody-goody
do whatever she wants!

This is not about Kerry,
Bridget, it's about you.

Besides, Kerry would
never do anything

so stupid and reckless!

Oh, yeah?

Well, at least
I'm still a virgin!

What?

Kerry's not a virgin?

Hey, are you down there?

No.

What are you doing
under the bleachers?

Just go away.

Look, Kerry,

you have every right
to be angry at me.

How could you tell
her? How could you?

I'm so sorry. It just...

first, mom busted
me on my tattoo,

and then she held you up

as a shining example
of "Little miss perfect."

I...just kind of blurted it out.

I don't think I can
ever forgive you.

It was a rotten thing to do.

It was a horrible thing to do.

It was a horrible,
terrible thing to do.

It was a mean, selfish,
stupid, thoughtless --

Let's not forget mom's the one
who blabbed it over the P.A.

Look, if there's anything I
can do to make it up to you

Anything at all
-You can leave me alone.

You can borrow
any of my sweaters,

I'll get you invited
to any party,

I'll set you up with any guy...

Not that you should have
any problem with that now.

I was kidding.

Did you lose your
sense of humor, too?

I'm gonna go now.

Hey...

How you doing?

Not so good.

Look, nobody listens to
those announcements, anyway.

Oh, don't forget,
Friday's picture day.

Oh, my God!

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Kyle, you're being so sweet.

Well, we're friends now,

and I'm just trying
to be your friend.

Thank you.

I'm --I'm so sorry

you had to find out this way.

I mean, you must be humiliated.

Uh, actually, it's not that bad.

Everybody thinks it was me.

It wasn't me, was it?

No...

I got to go.

Some guys are buying me lunch.

[font color="#c c c "][C.J.:] [/font] So, anything interesting
happen at school today?

C.J.?

Shhh!

Shhh!

Hey!
-What are you doing here?

Thinking of going
out for J.V. Football.

Uh, you don't even go here.

All right...

I'm hiding from Schiller, okay?

The guy's an animal.
Have you seen him?

My Ggod, I had to b*at
him off with my purse.

Anyway, you want
to talk about it?

Thanks, but what I
need is just to be alone.

No, what you need
is someone to talk to.

And that someone is me.
Okay, I'm a good listener.

Oh, C.J., this whole
day has just been

-Hey!! 'Purse boy'!
-Got to go!

Hey, champ. How'd
it go with the bully?

Well, I think I'm
out of the woods.

He found someone
else to pick on.

Whoa!

Now, let me guess
..."k*ller Schiller"?

What's up, 'Petey'?

Let me give you
some advice, 'k*ller'.

When you want to
visit the Hennessy's,

you ring the doorbell,

or I'll ring your bell.

-Got it?
-Got it.

Good; Get out!

Run!
-Ha, ha, ha...

Yeah.

That's how the men in
this family handle bullies.

You know dat!

Put the purse down!

-Oh, God!
-Just a minute, young lady.

-I want to talk to you.
-Whatever.

What is going on

with my year old daughter?

Oh, didn't you hear the
morning announcements?

You know, I wouldn't cop
and attitude with me today.

What happened at
school was an accident,

and I am sorry.

But now that it's
out in the open,

we are gonna talk about this.

I didn't want to have
this conversation

until you were older...

Than me.

And certainly not while I was
still driving you to school, but...

here we are.

So, let's talk.

We're collecting our thoughts.

Okay...

I'll go first.

Were you safe?
-Yes.

Okay, now you go.

Well, I was hoping
that you'd never find out.

I was hoping that
you'd never have sex.

Okay, great, can
we leave it at that?

No.

Who is he?

His name is Bruno.

He's an art student.

Bruno...

The art student

And?

And I met him in Paris,

and I fell in love and
he broke my heart.

Oh, honey.

I hate that you had to go

through something
like that alone.

Well, I did tell Bridget.

And th...and that's good.

Sisters should be
there for each other.

Was she helpful?

Not as much as C.J.

You told C.J.?

And he was helpful?

What, was I the
last one to find out?

Mom, I didn't tell you anything

because I didn't
want to disappoint you.

I'm supposed to be
the smart one and...

I feel like an idiot.

Oh, honey, you're not an idiot.

Yeah, I am, because
the guy I chose

turned out to be a jerk.

And if I could do it all
over again, I wouldn't.

And that's something
I haven't told anyone.

Oh...

Oh, don't want
to interrupt this.

I'm gonna go to the mall.

No, I don't think
so. You're grounded.

Yes, right, right,
about the tattoo.

How long's that gonna be for?

I haven't decided.

Mmm, did I mention
I'm still a virgin?

Hey, I told you

stop saying the word vir--hey!

Heh heh.

Yeah, just keep your kid away
from my paper, ¿'Comprende'?

Oh, is that supposed
to scare me?

Oh, it doesn't, all right?

I don't know karate,
but I do know "Ka-razy"!

Oh, soccer moms.

Morning, C.J.

Hey, got your paper.

Paper? We cancelled
that a month ago.

Well, we're getting it now.

Hey, listen, sorry
I couldn't give you

the heads up
about Kerry earlier.

I try to keep my ear to
the tracks around here,

but you know Kerry

she don't like to say
much around us adults.

Mmm, I know she told you.

And sometimes she says too much.

I can't believe everyone knows.

But grandpa doesn't
know, does he?

-Of course not.
-Oh, you better not tell him.

Oh, yeah, that's a
conversation I want to have.

Ew... I would never tell him.

Hi, 'g*ng'!

All right, what's going on?

Nothing, dad, why?

You were just talking
about something.

No, we weren't.

Okay; We're off to school.

Catie...

Dad, I don't want to be late.
-Spill it!

All right.

Kerry tested at a college level

on her english
achievement tests.

It's the highest score in
the history of the school.

Really?

But don't say anything.

She's kind of embarrassed
by the attention.

How 'bout that
...our little girl!

I know. Ha, ha, ha..

Got to run.

What?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, just... Really,
uh, proud of you.

What are you talking about?

Well, you know ...'The Big News'.

Boy, that's gonna look great
on your college application.

Grandpa!

It's all right. Your
mom told me.

Mom!