03x08 - Secrets

[bunniefuu]

I want the truth.

I want the name of the
bully that did this to you.

I told you, I ran into a locker.

Rory, I'm your mom.

You don't have to
keep secrets from me.

Now, who did this?

All right, fine.

It was locker .

Rory, Cate...

So...

How's our bleeder?

He'll live.

But he still won't
tell me who did it.

Well, Cate, I went to
principal training camp.

Watch...listen...learn.

Rory...

Who did this to you?

I ran into a locker.

Okay.

Cate, let me see you
outside for a second.

I don't think it was a locker.

So, it's inspector Gibb.

Hey, I didn't want to push him.

He's a freshman.
He's embarrassed.

The other kid probably
threatened him.

All right; I'm sorry

It's just sometimes I feel like
I'm losing control of my kids.

How do you keep
track of of them?

Well, the underachievers,
I write off immediately.

That really only leaves
about or .

Ugh, did you see the way

principal Gibb was
smiling at mom?

He still so wants to date her.

I could never date anyone
who wore that much corduroy.

Anyways, about tonight, I
want to get to the Club by : ,

so we'll just tell mom we're going
to the library and change in the car.

I don't think this is gonna
work if this place is and over.

Oh, no, no, you'll be fine.

It's years, not inches.

We're not years old.

Okay, I'll get fake
I.D.S. Come on!

You're not losing control.

You're a single mother
with three teenagers,

one of whom you
should be very proud of.

I will find out who
did this to Rory,

and I'll call you.

Thanks, Ed.

Nurse Hennessy.

-Coach McAllister.
-Principal Gibb.

Well, we all have
names and titles.

Aren't we important.

Look, I've been going over this,

and I don't mean to be pushy,

but I still don't understand
why we can't date.

All right, I'm gonna
level with you.

Besides the fact
that we're co-workers,

and that I am just not
ready to date anyone yet...

This is supposed to be a secret,

but Bridget has a
huge crush on you.

That's supposed to be a secret.

She knitted me
this racket cover.

That was my favorite sweater.

Anyway, you can see why
this just doesn't work for me.

Okay, how about
a friendly offering?

Now, I know you
have a sweet tooth,

and I make an incredible
cheesecake, all right?-

[Rory:] Mom, it feels
like I have three nostrils.

All right, honey, I'll be there.

It's just not the right time.

Totally understand.

It's got Graham-cr*cker crust!

Principal.

Coach.

Wow, that is quite a dent.

I think he was
wearing brass knuckles.

Or a ring, judging from the

dainty, heart-shaped imprint.

So?

So lots of people wear
heart-shaped rings

Brides, men who throw
academy award parties...

Ninth-grade girls.

You think I was hit by a girl?

I didn't see you at Elton
John's bash this year.

Fine, it was a girl.

Excellent.

Dad, let's go!

Please don't tell mom. I
don't want anybody to know.

It will be our little secret

between me, you, and
little Mary whoopass.

I don't want to go to
dinner with Dorothy.

We always end up at one
of those health-food joints.

Oh, come on, she's
. Something's working.

It's probably that mug of bourbon
she knocks back every day,

watching Regis and
what's her name.

Oh, girls, while we're out,

I need you to go pick
up Rory's prescription.

Oh, well, um, we told you we
were gonna go to the library.

Bridget, you're
going to the library?

Yeah, they've got
"Cosmo Girl" on microfiche.

If you want someone to
pick up dr*gs, I'm your man.

Not 'cause I do them,
because I'm responsible.

So what park do you want
me to meet this dude at?

It's the pharmacy,
and it closes in an hour.

You know, maybe I should
just skip aunt Dorothy's

and stay and take care of Rory.

I'm not gonna choke down
some damn veggie casserole.

I'm gonna eat meat tonight

if I have to gnaw
on her arthritic knee.

Maybe I'll go to Dorothy's.

Okay, here.

This is the fake
I.D. You got me?

Shh!

This woman is !

I can't pass for that old!

Just stand in bad light
and frown the way you do.

Yes, like that!

And this is me.

You stole C.J.'s
driver's license?

Kerry, please, everyone
looks bad on a driver's license.

How long do you think they're
gonna be staring at the I.D.

When I'm the one
holding the I.D.?

So, for tonight
you are 'Hadassah',

and I am C.J.

Hi, C.J. I'm Shaun.

Mmm. Hi, Shaun.

Interesting.

Oh, do you know
what she said to me?

Mmm; 'Me likey'.

So, you said you modeled.

Are you one of
those super models?

Oh, that term is so pretentious.

I want people to feel they can
approach me anywhere, anytime.

-C.J. -
-Not now, Hadassah.

I don't normally ask a girl that I
just met for her phone number,

and I don't know if
you'd be willing to --

Oh! Here you go.

Well, I have been going
on and on about myself.

Why don't you tell me
something about you?

Well, I'm a cop.

Ladies; I.D.S, please.

C.J.; He's talking to you.

Excuse me, ladies, could
I please see your I.D.S?

I don't think I like his tone.

Come on, Hadassah.

-C.J.?
-Hey, little buddy!

What happened with my medicine?

Uh, I gave it to you.

Yeah, you're
having a night terror.

Hoooo!

The pharmacist called.

-He called here?
-He said you never showed up.

That dude's a liar.
Of course, I went.

Then give me my medicine.
My nose is k*lling me.

All right, well...

Here you go, got it right here.

There you go,
top-of-the-line stuff,

very powerful painkillers.

These look like candy.

Yeah, they make them
like that on purpose

so they're more
appealing to children.

It's got an "M" on it.

Yes, for...Medicine.

Listen, take them with water.

You don't want them
to melt in your mouth.

I'm telling you, that cop
knows we have fake I.D.S.

And now he has our real
phone number --brilliant.

I didn't know he
was a cop, okay?

I just thought he was
cute. Is that a crime?

At least we didn't run
away and look guilty.

Oh, that's right, we did!

I know he's gonna
call here and tell mom!

-We are so busted!
-Maybe he won't even call.

Oh, it's me. Of course,
he's gonna call.

Not if we make sure
that when the phone rings,

we get to it before mom does.
-Yes

Hi!

I thought you guys
went to the library.

Uh, yeah, well, I read fast.

And all the picture
books were checked out.

They actually were.

So, um, did anybody call for me?

Nope.

Well, I will be near the phone,

so none of you have to bother.

Oh, Hi, girls!
You're home early.

What are we, on trial here?!

Mom, how was dinner
with aunt Dorothy?

It was terrible.
They had no dessert.

It's always, "I've got
apples back home."

I'm a grown man. What the
hell do I want with an apple?

Hi, mom.

Oh, Hi, honey.

Well, it looks like somebody's
waiting for a boy to call.

-No. There's no boy.
-And he's really cute.

There's no boy and we're
not waiting by the phone.

Right.

How are you feeling?

A little better. C.J.
brought me my medicine.

Thank you for taking
such good care of him.

I'm crazy about the 'little tyke'.

You stay off that nose, champ.

I'm so glad you're better.

I'll be sure to tell
Mike when he calls.

Mike, the pharmacist?
He's gonna call here again?

-He called?
-No, why would he call?

He always calls to check
up when someone's sick.

He's the sweetest.

What is this, 'Mayberry'?

Also, coach McAllister called.

Scott? Just a second, honey.

Girls, Rory's feeling
uncomfortable.

Could you just go downstairs

and look for that special
neck pillow I put someplace?

He has a pillow!

They don't want
to leave that phone.

They're waiting on
a gentleman caller.

-If the phone rings...
-I'll get it!

I mean, I'll get it.

You do so much for me
around here, you relax.

Girls, the pillow.

So what did Scott say?

He said, "Who's this?"
And I said, "It's Rory."

And he said, "So
how's the nose?"-

Today, Rory.

You weren't home, so
he said he'd call back.

Tonight? He's gonna
call here again?

Oh, God! I'm getting a headache.

C.J.; Give mom one
of those pain pills.

You can't just share a
prescription, you know.

This stuff isn't...candy.

Cate; Would you
like a cup of coffee?

Oh, dad, I'd love some.

Good, as long as you're
making a pot, I'll have some, too.

You know what would be great
with that coffee is some cake.

I am not making you a cake.

What's the matter with you?

Oh! Dad, I'm sorry.

It's just that there's
this guy at school

and he keeps asking me out.

I've made it clear
that I'm not interested,

but he's being very persistent.

Have you tried kicking
him in the 'grapes?

We're not there quite yet.

But I don't want
him to call the house

because Bridget
has a crush on him.

She will freak out if she
finds out he's trying to date me.

I tear it down in minutes. Who is it?

I'm not telling you.
I know how you get.

I can handle this by myself.

I just have to make
sure that when he calls,

I get to the phone
before Bridget.

I'm telling you, pointy
shoes and a running start.

Hey, this Mike, the pharmacist,

what time does
he usually turn in?

Here, Rory, here's
your stupid pillow.

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

[Jim] Look at them.

They're watching that phone
like they think it's gonna hatch.

Come on, what's his name?

-There's no guy.
-And we're not waiting on a call.

I got it.

Hello?

Who?

Mike, the pharmacist.

No one came by to
pick up Rory's painkillers.

Maybe that's 'cause
we don't want any.

What?

Who was that?

This guy selling long distance.

I don't think we should
answer the phone anymore.

What we need is caller I.D.

-No!
-No!

No!

Mom, my nose is really hurting.

Honey, I am so sorry.
I'm gonna be here now.

Hello?

Oh, ha, ha, ha. Hello.

Tonight?

Come on, I made the cheesecake.

It would be a crime if you
didn't at least have a bite.

A crime?

Oh, my God! That is the cop!

Bridget, I can't go to prison!

I have the psats next week!

No. It's not the cop.

It's some guy she likes.

I can tell by her fake
laugh. Ha, ha, ha, ha

You are so right. I know
exactly who it is.

[Both] It's principal Gibb.

Gibb?

Gibb? Oh, my God, C.J.;

If Gibb's calling, he probably
knows who punched me.

Yeah, maybe he
found your dignity

in the bottom of her
"Hello, kitty" purse.

Yeah, but just promise me
you won't call again tonight.

Okay, bye.

Who was that?

Somebody selling long distance.

Mother, that is so lame.

They do call.

Come on, mom, we know you
were talking to principal Gibb.

Oh, ho, ho, guilty as charged.

That's right, it
was principal Gibb.

I knew it was Gibb. You
should have just told me.

Dad, just stay out of it.
-Gibb!

Did he say anything about me?

No, honey, but he's
gonna find out who hit you.

Is he gonna call back tonight?
-Yeah, probably.

You know how he
feels about bullies...

I mean, lockers.

I'm really b*at. I'm
just gonna go upstairs.

[Kerry:] That's a really good
idea, you get some sleep.

And if the phone rings,
one of us will get it.

-I'll get it.
-I'll get it.

Someone will
get it. I'll get it.

Nobody touch that phone.
I just had a great idea.

I'm gonna call that -hour
place and see if they'll deliver pie.

Hello

Damn it, that's my pie phone!

Hi, there, it's Ed Gibb.
Is your mother there?

It's principal Gibb.
-Gibb?

That guy will not give up.

Don't bother your
mom. I'll take it.

Listen, Gibb,
Cate's not interested.

Now, you call again, I'm
gonna come through this phone

and break your dialing fingers.

You got that, college boy?!

-What did he want?
-Don't worry, budy.

Your principal's gonna think twice
before he calls this house again.

Hello?

Principal Gibb?

The nerve of that guy!

It must have been
a misunderstanding

Could I please
speak to your mom?

Hold on one second.

Hey, this is Shaun. C.J.?

Uh-huh. It's him! It's him!

Are you busy on Friday?

Are you asking me out?

I'm very flattered, but
you're way too old for me.

My mother would just go nuts.

Let me talk to principal Gibb.

Sorry, I gotta go.

Sorry, principal Gibb, hold on.

I told you not to
call my daughter.

Now you call my granddaughter.

What kind of sicko are you?

Stay away from my
family, you freak show!

What was that about?

It doesn't concern
you just leave it alone.

Sweet.

-So did you get rid of the cop?
-Yeah, we're safe.

Now I kind of miss him.

C.J.; I think my
medicine's wearing off.

My nose has a pulse.

Uh, here, try these blue ones.

-Hello?
-I'm Mike, from the pharmacy.

These are for Rory. I tried to call
earlier, but -Right Thank you

Hey, did I hear the phone ring?

Somebody just
selling long distance.

And the doorbell.

Long-distance guy, too. Freaky.

Hello?

Good evening, I'm
calling from phone

with our new national
minute-to-minute--

Well, who was that?

Somebody selling long distance.

No, seriously.

-So, Rory, how are you feeling?
-Not too good.

Honey, why is your tongue blue?

What have you been giving him?

These.

From the pharmacy, when I
went to the pharmacy earlier.

I like that pharmacist, but we
should never talk to him again.

Well, that's strange.
These should work.

What is going on around here?

Ed?

-Gibb?
-Ed Gibb!

Hey, everybody,
principal Gibb stopped by!

-Ed, you should have called first.
-I did.

I made two insane phone calls,

and then I thought
I should stop by

to clear up any
misunderstanding.

I told you to stay
away from my girls.

Actually, I'm here about Rory.

Rory?

-Oh, my God!!
-You, you...you hit me!!

That was excellent!

Dad, are you crazy?

This nut's been
harassing us all night.

Two calls! I made two calls!

What is wrong with you people?

Hello?

-Scott?
-Coach?

Ed? What happened to you?

I, uh, I walked into a locker.

I know I promised
I wouldn't call,

but I didn't say I
wouldn't show up.

-Scott -If I leave this
cake at my house,

I will wind up eating
the whole thing, so here.

Thank you. It's
very nice, but --

Cate, the young
man brought cake.

The least we can do is
invite him in. I'll take this.

Uh, but, dad, this is the
guy I was telling you about.

Hold on. This is the guy that
Bridget has the crush on?

No, no, no, no, I don't.

Why did I hit Gibb?

Yeah, Gibb didn't do anything.

You don't have a crush on Scott?

No, I did, but now I don't.

I met this really cute guy at a
Club tonight, and- Ohh!! -Bridget!!

You said you went to
the library. You lied?

Oh, mother, like
you'd ever let us

go to a Club where
we'd need fake I.D.S. Ahh!!

I don't believe you two!

-Uh, Cate...
-What?!! I'm sorry.

Do you have any pain pills?

Actually, yes, I do. I--

That have never been opened.

C.J.?

What have you been giving Rory?

Other medicine I have.

How many did you take?

-About .
-What?!!

It's okay. It's just
candy. It's nothing.

This is great.

My son is lying to me,

my daughters are
sneaking off to a Club,

and my dad decked my boss.

What do you think
about this, Ed?

Would you call
this losing control?

Whatever you say.

And you, C.J.;
I gave you one job

to go to the pharmacy.

I did, but it was closed...

Because I stopped at
a bar for a few minutes.

You went to a bar?

Instead of taking care of Rory?

This must have been
some very special bar.

Please don't ask me
what kind of bar it is,

'cause it's a little embarrassing
in front of everyone.

Scott, the door.

Hey.

I'm looking for a gorgeous
blonde named C.J.

I've never seen
that guy in my life!!

[Cate:] -Dad, is that you?
-Oh, crap!

Just having an apple.
You know what they say.

Yeah, nothing washes down
cheesecake like an apple.

I can't sleep.

Dad; Is it my imagination?

Or are my kids way more
out of control than I was?

Darling, you were out of control

from the day you were
till the day you left the house.

So I shouldn't be worried?

Oh, you should be worried.
You've got three of them.

Well, four, if you count C.J.

Five, if I count you.

So I hit your boss.

For no reason.

All right; Maybe my
intelligence was a little shaky,

but people have gone to w*r

with a lot less
reliable information.

I don't know, dad.

Sometimes I- I just
feel so overwhelmed.

Sweetie,

There's going
to be days like that.

Just remember --

those are good kids.
You're a great mom.

Now, you go back
upstairs, go to bed,

get a good night's sleep

so you can do it
all again tomorrow.

Thanks, dad.

Good night, sweetheart.
Go on. Go to bed.

Go on.

There's no cake left, is there?

Not a bite.

Good night, 'pop'.