03x12 - A Very C.J. Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Dad, what are you doing
to the gingerbread house?

Oh, I just ate part
of the back wall.

It wasn't load bearing.

It's cardboard with frosting.

Ah, at my age, fiber's fiber.

I got the rest of
the Christmas stuff.

Where do you want
the boxes, mom?

Just keep 'em away from grandpa.

Well, we're off to the mall.

-No, you're not. We're gonna do the tree
-Mom

Girls; This is one
of the few things

we do as a family anymore.

You can go when we're done.

We're done!

-That was fun.
-Let's hit the mall.

You don't want to sit on Santa's
lap after he's been drinking.

Well, I'm off to Vegas.

Oh, C.J.; I wish
you'd reconsider.

I was thinking about Laughlin,

but you're no one in
that town without an R.V.

I mean, really,
Christmas in Las Vegas?

Christmas is a time for family.

Oh, not for me.

When I was a kid,
my loveless parents

would fly off to
some exotic location

and dump me on the nanny.

Then I'd spend Christmas
opening presents

that the personal
shopper got me.

God; That's so sad.

Sad? Kerry, he had
a personal shopper.

Anyway, when I got older,

I started my own
tradition: 'Going to Vegas'.

But don't you miss eggnog
and Christmas dinner?

And what about the
thrill of not knowing

what you're gonna wake
up to Christmas morning?

Oh, I get that.

'Catey', would you look at this?

Oh..oh...

Wow!

What was I, like,
years old that Christmas?

I cut down that tree myself

belonged to our
next-door neighbor.

Boy, was he pissed.

Look at all those lights.

Is that a little train
under the tree?

-And a nutcracker?
-Yep; That's grandma.

Dad!

We always did
Christmas up big

decorations, fruitcakes,

a big tree; We did everything.

Yeah, no matter how
cold it was outside,

that house was
always warm inside.

Yeah. You see, C.J.;
this is what I mean.

I'm sad that you never could
see how special Christmas is.

Here, look at this.

You don't get it.

If I never had it.
How could I miss it?

Wow, this is...

Incredible.

Well, thanks for showing
me what I never had.

Now I do miss it.

But you don't have to.

Just don't go to Vegas.
Stay here with us.

Oh, Cate; He's a grown man.

If he wants to go to
Vegas and spend Christmas

with booze and slot machines
and loose women. Let him.

For God sakes; Take me with you.

You know what?

We had a very small
Christmas last year.

Now, if you stay,

we'll do it up big,
just like in the picture.

And then we'll take a
new picture with you,

and from then on,

that will be your
Christmas memory.

You guys...

Would do that for me?

-Yeah.
-Stay with us.

We want to have
Christmas with you.

Cool, I'll stay.

Those Casinos are gonna
have to rely on some other

high roller to get 'em
through the holidays.

It's quarters.

Okay, nickels.

That's so good
you're gonna stay.

Come on, C.J.; Grab your coat.

Time to get your first
real Christmas tree.

All right, I'll go get the a*.

We're not chopping it
down. We're buying it at a lot.

I know. The a* is for haggling.

Whoa! Why are
you all dressed up?

He's going to the Country
Club with his rich girlfriend.

Oh, Rebecca is rich?

All right, little
'Lord Fauntle-Rory'.

She's not like that at all.

If you didn't know she was rich,

you'd think she was
just like any other girl.

I'm here to pick up
master Hennessy.

I'll be right there, Robert.

-A driver?
-Master Hennessey?

Well, mom, I gotta
go. I'll see you later.

You know, I would like
to meet this Rebecca.

Next time, she can
have dinner over here.

Right.

What kind of girl has
her own car and driver?

The luckiest girl in the world.

Hey; Don't let the
money fool you.

All the riches in the
world can't make up...

Oh, my God, it's a stretch!

Rory, be careful up there.

Wow, it's great.

It's amazing.

Don't you think it's too big?

This tree was too big
when we were outside

and the ceiling was heaven.

Rory; How's it
going with the lights?

I say, Rory! How's it
going with the lights?!

Just about done!

This thing's almost as big as
the one in Rebecca's bedroom.

Rebecca's bedroom?

What did I tell you about
being in a girl's bedroom?

That it would never happen?

Hey, has anybody seen Kerry?

I sent her to decorate
the back of the tree

about minutes ago.

I'm fine! I'm
on my way back!

Just follow our voices!

Well, that's the last of the ornaments.
-Yeah

And all the lights are up.

Uh-huh. Just time to plug it in.

C.J.?

Me?

-We'd be honored.
-Ha..ha..ha

Here goes!

Wow!

Whoa!

Boy; It's beautiful!

Anybody think it would
look better over there?

No. No, that's stupid.

Um...listen. Uh, thank you.

This is beyond my
wildest imagination.

It was worth all the hard
work just to see you happy.

I'm on my way to meet
stinky for a holiday beer.

Yeah, C.J.; We're
really glad you like it.

Grandpa; Will you
drop me off at the mall?

-Wait a second.
-What's wrong?

Well, the tree's
great, but what about

the other stuff in the
Christmas picture?

Well, we have the
candles and the wreath...

And the giant sequoia.

Yeah, but there's
no nutcrackers,

no garland, candy canes...

Grandpa, aren't
you in a Santa suit?

I was drunk, and
not happy drunk.

C.J.; come on, we
don't have that stuff.

Oh...

Okay.

The tree's nice.

Well...

You know, we...

We did promise him the
Christmas in the picture.

I guess we could...

...go buy more decorations.

Ha..ha...ha...ha...ha...Woo!

Whoo! All right!
That'll be fun, right?

Yeah, let's do that.

Oh, yeah, we can go shopping.

Maybe on the way home,

we can get some hot cocoa.
-Absolutely

And you can drop me off
at the bar on the way home.

When I say "on the way
home," I mean on the way there.

Just think, aunt Cate,
if it wasn't for you,

I'd be ass-deep in
quarters right now.

I mean "nickels", ha...ha

Hey, where is everybody?

Look, I want to go
tobogganing with Josh.

Just set up the train station
and let's get outta here.

Well, excuse me if I'm
trying to make it look festive.

Ohhhh.... Mr. Hobo
dropped his wine bottle.

Hey, everybody.

-Hey, nice jacket there, 'fonzi'.
-Yeah.

-Where did you get that?
-It's from Rebecca.

Is that Gucci?

You're wearing 'Gucci'?
Not even I dress 'Gucci'

Why must you mock me this way?

What did you get her?

I thought I'd just give her
one of those cool cards

you know, with the
glitter that falls out.

That's what every girl wants

crap from a cheap guy
that you get to clean up.

-Let me tell you how women think.
-Or I can tell you.

You go ahead.

If she buys you
a jacket this nice,

you have to get her
something better.

I can afford that

Where am I gonna
get that kind of money?

Hey! You can open that box
of nickels I got you; Oh!

Okay, everybody!
I've got the camera.

Ready to make some
Christmas memories?

Well, let's see.

-Christmas train?
-Check.

-Garland?
-Check.

Nutcrackers, rum balls, wreaths,

mistletoe,
stockings, silver bells,

candy canes, cookies, candles.

It's all here,

Just like in the picture.
Just like we promised.

Okay; Come on, dad!
Time for the photo. -Yay.

Oh, 'Santa Claus'. You made it.

Hey, aren't you supposed
to come down the chimney?

Bite me!

All right, everybody
in front of the tree.

-Wait.
-What?

-Something's missing.
-No, no, no ,no. It can't be.

We're not missing
anything...Except tobogganing.

If I don't get there before Marissa,
she's gonna sit right behind Josh.

-and my life will be over.
-Can I keep your sweater?

Here it is... here it is.

Why is there sheet
music on the coffee table?

-What?
-You can see sheet music?

Yeah, it's right next
to the safety pin.

This is ridiculous!

Well, I don't know.

Maybe...

maybe one
of the carolers left it.

Oh, you had carolers!
-Mom! -Mom!

Rory, you want to join us?
♫

No, thanks.
♫

Come on, you already
got the gay apparel. -♫

Hey, grandpa.

What are you doing out here?

Hopefully, freezing to death.

What are you talking about?

Oh; Who lets people into
their house on Christmas?

Grandpa; What am I gonna do?

Rebecca got me this great coat,

and I can't afford to get
her anything that nice.

Let me tell you something, son.

A woman of quality doesn't care

how much you spend on a gift

as long as it comes from here.

Yeah, good one.

You know the best gift I
ever gave your grandma?

A divorce?

No, that's the best
gift she ever gave me.

No, I gave her a...

small box of candy

filled with
milk-chocolate creams.

Candy?

Yeah, well, I was courting her,

and this other fella, Lloyd,
was snooping around.

You know, he ran
a car dealership.

Valentine's day comes around
and guess what he gave her?

A new car?

No, no,

He gave her a
-pound box of candy

filled with caramels
and nougats.

-Shaped like a car?
-No!

No. The point is grandma
liked my small box better.

So where's the car come in?

Forget about the car.

Then why'd you
mention the dealership?

Look, grandma
liked my gift better

because I knew
her favorite candy.

I spent a lot less
money than Lloyd,

but I put more thought into
it, and that's what counts.

So you're saying as
long as it's thoughtful,

it doesn't matter
how much I spend?

That's right.

If Lloyd had gotten
grandma a car,

he could have
been my grandfather.

Yeah...

And he could have had
this stupid conversation.

Jeez!

Well, aren't you a tall
cup of holiday cheer?

Thank you.

You're a little
'gingerbread' man yourself.

Well, I have spent
many a night baked.

So, uh, after this,

what say me and you,...

Actually, after I'm done here,
I've got to go catch a plane.

I'm spending
Christmas in Las Vegas.

No. Really?

That's where I usually go.

Why don't you come along?

A bunch of my friends
from college are going.

We go every year,
and we have a blast.

Yeah, well, that'd be nice...

And probably naughty,
but, uh, nah, no way.

My family did this whole
big Christmas for me.

-All for you?
-Yeah.

Wow.

I don't think I've ever seen
anything more beautiful.

They must love you like crazy.

Oh, it's hard not to.

No, seriously, though, this
is like out of a storybook.

For people to go
to this much trouble,

you must be some
kind of a Saint.

Yeah, yeah.

Boy, if anybody ever did
anything like this for me,

I think I'd go crazy just trying

to figure out what
I did to deserve it.

You know, sometimes
I fold the towels.

Hey, any room left
on that flight to Vegas?

Mom, can't we wake up C.J.?

We want to open the presents.
-Mom, pleaseee...

No, no..no... just let him sleep.

Oh, okay, go wake him up.

I just want to see his
face on Christmas morning.

'Catey', Is there coffee?

Well, dad, I just gave
you some five minutes ago.

Oh, yeah, well, it's so
early, I guess I dozed off.

Mom,

C.J. Went to Vegas.

What?

With one of the carolers.

-He left us?
-After everything we did for him?

Oh, Santa, you got my letter.

Oh, that little weasel
I'm gonna k*ll him.

The picture ... It had to
be just like the picture!

He obviously appreciated
all our hard work. -Big jerk

I almost got electrocuted
stringing up those lights.

-This Christmas sucks.
-Totally sucks!

He ruined it for everybody!

Okay, just wait a minute.

You know; It's still Christmas.

And we're not gonna
let him ruin this for us.

Absolutely. Forget about him.

We're gonna have
a great Christmas.

He made me wear
that damn Santa suit.

I mean, look,
we're all together,

the house looks amazing,

and if C.J.'S gonna
miss all this, it's his loss.

Look at me! I won! Yeah!

Ah, we have a winner!

Come on, sport,
have your picture taken

with Santa's little
helpers there.

Sandy, Mandy, and Candy Claus.

There you go! A Christmas
memory you'll Cherish forever.

With love from your
family at the happy nugget.

Hey!

Don't you want to
play some more?

Aren't you feeling lucky?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, I hope everybody's hungry.

I made turkey and
ham and lots of potatoes,

and for dessert, we
have pumpkin pie

and the door of a
gingerbread house.

I was just thinking, when
we're done with the tree.

How do we get it out of here?

You just tie it to C.J.; do
something nice for him,

and watch him run out the door.

Maybe that's C.J.

Oh, I'll get it.
Where's that a*?

Hi, I'm Rebecca.

Is Rory home?

Rebecca? What
are you doing here?

I wake up this morning
and open a Christmas card

from this boy I really like,

and he breaks up with me.

And then there's
glitter all over my floor.

You broke up with her?

Grandpa, this is private.

-After we talked about this?
-You talked about this?

-Grandpa!
-What did he say?

He said that you were so rich,

you'd probably be
disappointed in what he got.

That's stupid.

Of course. That's
what I told him.

I like Rory for Rory.

Because you're a
woman of quality.

-Knucklehead.
-Oh, God.

You know, I know I shouldn't
get involved, but I wanted..

Oh, Go ahead. She doesn't mind.

Well, he told me that
he got you something.

-Mom!
-Really?

Yeah! It's right in the
closet. Kerry, go get it.

You little' playah'.
What'd you get her?

Oh, I think that's
between Rory and Becky.

You mean he's not
breaking up with me?

Of course not. He's
crazy about you.

You should see who
he usually goes out with.

Sorry about the paper.

He must have
wrapped it with his feet.

Is it okay if I open it
in front of everyone?

At this point, who cares?

It's a dolphin

'cause you collect
stuffed dolphins...

And you have
the three live ones.

This is the sweetest
gift I've ever gotten.

Is it okay that I did that
in front of everyone?

Th--there's other people here?

'Catey', you have
outdone yourself.

Yeah, mom,
everything looks great.

Ugh, what are these
gross, creamy eyeballs?

Those are Pearl onions.
I made 'em for C.J.

His nanny used to
buy them for him.

We should put them in his bed.

All right, now that's enough.

Because of C.J.; Marissa sat
right behind Josh on the toboggan.

They went over a lot of bumps.
Now they're totally going out.

But I thought Josh
didn't even like Marissa.

There were a lot of bumps.

All right, listen, everybody,
remember what I said.

It's Christmas.

Now, I don't want to hear
another bad thing about C.J.

What he did was messed up,

but let's think about
the good things.

He came to this family at a
time when we really needed him,

and, in one way or another,
he has helped all of us.

The bottom line
is that he is family,

and we love him no matter what.

-Okay?
-Yeah

All right, now, could I have
some more of those onions?

Hey.

Let me tell you, it's no
fun getting kidnapped.

Look, I'm not really good
at apologies, so, um...

I know you guys think

I bolted 'cause I
met some hot chick...

You guys did think
she's hot, right?

Sorry, I'm sorry. I just...

Let me start over.

You guys are the
family I never had, and...

you gave me this
amazing Christmas,

and I didn't know
how to deal with it.

Then I bailed.

And it was uncool,
and it was stupid, and...

Ahhh... I'm really,
really, really sorry.

Oh, no, no!

Get out of here!

Hey!

You made my onions!

They're a little salty, but-

Get out of here!!

Okay, all right; Girls,
just come in a little closer.

-Oh, mom.
-Yeah, that's good.

Oh, dad; Get in the middle.

And, uh, oh, Rory,
a little closer to C.J.

Ow!

Oh, dude, I'm really,
really, really sorry.

Okay, okay, just
stop horsing around.

Everybody looks great.

I'm just gonna push the button.

Here we go!

Everybody smile.

But, you guys, seriously,

did you think that girl was hot?

Ow!