03x22 - The Teachers' Lounge

[bunniefuu]

Mom, can I have some money
for new clothes?

Honey, I just bought you
a bunch of new stuff.

but that was all the
little kids' stuff you like.

Yeah, he wants to look hip
for his new crush, hot Megan.

Oh.
Who's hot Megan?

She's this freshman
with, like, these huge...

Um, anyways, this perv
cannot stop staring at them.

Shut up.

Ah, you love her!

You want to marry her!

And want to have her babies.

Grandpa!

They were doing it.
It sounded like fun.

Look, I'll take you
shopping this afternoon.

I'm sure I can help you
find something

that this Megan will like.

Mom, I'm sure she's into
sailor suits and saddle shoes.

Mom, I think I'm old enough
hto shop by myself.

But I always
take you shopping.

And we have so much fun.

Besides, I am hip enough
to pick you out some fly gear.

Mom, you're white
and over . Don't.

So, you're all grown up?

You don't need your mom
hanymore?

Mom, you know
that's not true.

I need your credit card.

Oh, here he comes,
Mr. Full-time teacher.

Hno longer a sub --
he's a full-fledged teacher.

You gots dat right.

He's not teaching
English, is he?

You know,
I get vacation,

paid sick days,
my own parking space,

and I finally get to hang out
in the teachers' lounge.

You've never been
in the teachers' lounge?

Hno way.
They're super strict about it --

no subs, no students,
teachers' only.

I've been in there.

So have I.
Hme too.

Hell, even I've been
in there.

Dad!

Well, they were doing it.
It sounded like fun.

Don't pay any attention
hto them.

Besides, we got you
a little something

in honor of your first day.

Ooh, new suit, new briefcase,
maybe a speedboat?

Ah.

"World's greatest teacher."

Then that's what I'll be...

Although I kind of
wanted a speedboat.

Hell, even I've got
a speedboat.

It looked like fun.

Well, this is
the teachers' lounge.

Whoa!

It's excellent.
Oh, my god.

Look, they've got
doughnuts, coffee...

Ooh, those free stirrer
thingies.

Yeah, well, it's home.

Hyeah.
Oh, a water cooler!

I can have water-cooler talk.

Oh, we're having
water-cooler talk.

Oh, good.

Everybody,
could you come on in,

and can I have
your attention, please?

For those of you who have not
met our newest faculty member,

my adorable nephew
C.J. Barnes.

Be cool.

What's up?

I am so proud of you.

Oh, no, the saliva --
keep that at home, all right?

Go, go, go.

Oh, no, the saliva --
keep that atI'm fine.L right?

Anyone see "desperate
housewives" last night?

Who hasn't k*lled someone
on that show?

I'm not kidding.

Must be nice to know people
in high places,

like the school nurse.

Listen, she may have opened
a few doors to get me the job,

but she didn't take
all the urine tests.

C.J. Barnes.
How's it going?

Mr. Edwards.

So, what do you teach
here, Mr. Ed?

Like the horse, of course.

I've been the home ec teacher
here for years.

You're the home ec teacher?

Do you bring home the bacon
and fry it up in a pan?

Does anyone have a TV?

So, you're
the funny guy, huh?

Class clown?

Well, I prefer
mayor of snappytown,

but class clown will do.

You know,
I don't like your type.

Never have...Never will.

I think we've gotten off
on the wrong foot.

I'll tell you what --
I fix a great cup of coffee.

Let me get you a cup --

oops.

I broke some chick's
fruity little puppy mug.

First day.

That was mine!

Of course it was.

You know,
tomorrow you and I

are going to laugh about this
at the water cooler.

You broke
it Coffee mug?

- It was an accident!

The one with the puppies?

Heveryone knows
his daughter made that mug

right before his ex-wife
hwon custody

and took her to California.

Sounds like
a great first day.

It's like high school again.
Why do I always get picked on?

Because bullies always go
for the weakest of the herd.

They pick on the most
defenseless of the bunch.

They will zero right in on
the puniest, scrawniest --

all right, grandpa!

I told you to stay away
from Marion Edwards.

He is not -- wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

His name's Marion?

Yeah, point that out.
That'll win him over.

Now, look,
just stay out of his way,

and he won't bother you.

Catie, that's the dumbest thing
hhI've ever heard,

and I share a room with him.

Where are you going
with this?

Stand up to this jerk now or
he'll be on your case forever.

What? you've got to get
right back in Mary's face.

Marion!

Whatever.

This is ridiculous.
That guy will k*ll C.J.

Hno, no.
Grandpa makes a lot of sense.

He wants me dead so he can have
the basement all to himself.

Only one problem
with your plan, old man.

What are you wearing?

The new clothes I bought.

Look out, ladies!

Look out for the ugliest shirt
hon the planet.

What are you doing
with the glasses?

They make me look older
and more sophisticated.

They make you look
like Harry Potter.

Shut up.

Ooh, can you say that
with a British accent?

Uh, Rory, I can still take you
shopping if you want me to.

Look, I don't care
what any of you guys think.

I like it, and I'm wearing it
to school tomorrow.

You are not stepping foot in
our school dressed like that.

What do you care?

Because unfortunately
due to some drunken night

years ago,
you're my brother...

And when you walk those halls,
hyou represent me.

Hnow, mom,
give me your credit card.

Hpotter,
grab your broomstick.

We're going back
to the mall.

Oh.

Sorry, dude.
Go ahead.

What are you doing?

Eating lunch.

On the water fountain?

It's very convenient.

It's the right height.
I got my drink right here.

Oh, I see.

Edwards is in there.

Edwards is in there?
Oh, I didn't know that.

C.J., when I told you
to avoid him,

I meant just stay out
of his hair, not this.

You have every right to be
in that teachers' lounge.

I know, I know.
Fine. Fine, I'll go.

Come on. I'll walk you in. No.

I can do it alone.
You're not my mommy.

All right, fine.

Let go.

I did.

Oh.

Hold on a second.

Hmm?

I like it here better anyway.

All right.

Who took the last
cranberry muffin?

I thought they were
for everybody.

Everybody
but the class clown.

Here, you can have
the rest of it.

I think you better leave.

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, what are you going to
do, kick me out of the lounge?

I'm not sure you have
the authority to kick me --

Aah!

Hmm.

Uh, why do I need
a makeover?

I got the new clothes.

Tell him why, kerry.

Because Bridget says so.

Wax strip.

Wax strip.

Pore strip.

Pore strip.

Uh, is this going to hurt?

Not at all.

Restrain him.

Ow!
Aah!

Aah!

And, goodbye, Mr. Unibrow.

Now for the pore strip.

Is this going to hurt?

Not at all.

Restrain him.

Ow!
Aah!

Ah, that's it!
I'm outta here!

Kerry, tell him
why he shouldn't leave.

Hot Megan.

Okay.

Oh, hello, Mr. Nose hair.

Hhhtweezers. Tweezers.
Htweezers?

Restrain him.

Rory: Ow!

Bridget:
Rory, get back here!

What are they
doing up there?

He's their little brother.

Hwhatever it is,
I'm sure he deserves it.

Maybe I should go help him.

He can fight his own battles.

Kerry: Hot Megan!

There.
It stopped.

He's probably unconscious.

I hate school.

I'm never going back,
and you can't make me.

Trouble with Meredith?

Marion!

Whatever.

Hhe kicked me out
of the teachers' lounge.

And I didn't do a thing.

Well, like I said,
the weakest of the herd

get pushed away
from the water hole.

Stop angling for
the basement, grandpa.

I'm going to go pick muffin
out of my underpants.

Don't tell us
everything you do.

C.J., wait.
Oh!

This is insane.

He can't ban somebody
from the teachers' lounge.

I'm going to go talk
to that bully.

Why don't you
just call his mother?

Better.

Hoh, catie,
you're not his mommy.

He's a -year-old man.

I just don't want him
to get hurt.

Well, he can handle
his own problems.

Darn it, there's
a cranberry I can't get at.

Well, you want
to be his mother.

Go.

Hmr. Edwards,
what are you doing here?

Did you want to talk to me
habout something?

No.

I b*rned my hand taking an
apple cobbler out of the oven.

Hwell, maybe
you should wear oven mitts.

They're for wimps.

Yeah, and people
who want fingerprints.

Nice mug.

Thanks.

You're not too hard
on the eyes yourself.

I meant the coffee mug.

Where'd you get it?

It was a gift.

Yeah.

A gift from me.

You took it
from my nephew.

He broke my puppy mug!

By accident.

And then you kicked him
out of the teachers' lounge.

Sit down!

Now, look, C.J. has waited
a long time for that job,

hand, odd as it may seem,
he loves that teachers' lounge.

Why do you have to be
such a bully?

Well, I'm a ' "
home ec teacher named Marion.

You do the math.

Well, it's time
to get over it, Marion,

h'cause C.J. is going
into that teachers' lounge,

and you are going
to leave him alone.

But he gets on my nerves.

Hhe gets
on everybody's nerves!

Tough it out!

Find another way to deal
with your frustration.

Aunt Cate?
Yeah, um...

Did you by any chance
have a conversation

with the muffin man?

Kids, C.J dinner is ready!

Good lord, son!

Why don't you just put on
a dress and call it a day?

Dad, I'll handle this.

Girls, what have you done
to your brother?

Mom, I don't need you
to stick up for me.

They're making me beautiful.

It's kind of a long process,
hisn't it?

All right, here he comes.
Now, no flagpole comments.

Hey, C.J., glad you came up.

Made your favorite --
Mac and cheese.

HI'll eat your food,
but I'm not talking to you.

Look, I am sorry
I talked to Edwards.

I was just trying
to defend you.

Well, it's like I said.
The weakest of the herd --

can we just eat?

Before we start, Bridget and I
would like to say a few words.

Together: I pledge allegiance
hto the C.J. --

girls!
No, they're right.

All I am now is the doofus
hon the flagpole.

You are not the doofus
on the flagpole.

Uh, yeah, he is.
It's on the Internet.

Hhit's at
www.Doofusontheflagpole.Com.

H.net.
.Org.

Whatever.

Just search "doofus
on the flagpole."

And it's all your fault.

Yeah, mom.
Flag on the play.

Listen, jolly green
Hannibal Lecter,

I wouldn't start with me.

All right, kids, just take
your food and go upstairs.

Whatever.
Fine.

Should my face
be burning?

Now, C.J. --

nope.
Enough talk.

It's time for grandpa's plan.
I'm going to throw down.

C.J., please.

It's time to throw down.
Hit's go time.

You're going to fight him?

Is that what that means?

He outweighs you
by like poun

well, then,
I better load up.

Nice work, dad.

Oh, catie, once C.J.
stands up to that blowhard,

he'll back down.

Then maybe
I'll get my own room.

I'm going to go tell C.J.
he shouldn't do this.

You're doing it again.
You're mothering him.

I am not!

Of course you are.

You've been fighting
his battle all week.

You've been making
his lunches for him.

I wouldn't be surprised

if you weren't laying out
his clothes every morning.

Aw, catie!

Just the first day.

Hhe wanted to wear
baggy pants and a do-rag.

Oh, my god, dad.
You're right

what the hell am I doing?

Hwell,
if you want my opinion,

it might have something to do
with a little void in your life

that goes by the name
hof Rory.

Rory? Why, because he won't
hgo shopping with me?

And he didn't need
your help with the girls.

He didn't talk to you
about hot Megan.

He's hitting that age where he
needs to pull away from his mom.

Dad, I expect the kids
hto grow up.

Hyeah,
but he's your last one,

and I'm not altogether sure

you're ready
to give him up just yet.

So, you're saying
I've turned

to the next most immature,
hneedy member

of this household, C.J.?

Well, we don't have a dog.

I miss my baby.

Oh, come here, sweetheart.

Look, the point is,

kids grow up,
but we never stop parenting.

I mean, look what
I'm doing right now.

Yeah.

The thing is that you have to
make them think you've stopped,

even though you're
really just cutting down.

It's kind of like smoking.

Hyou told me
you totally quit smoking.

Why don't we have a dog?

Do you guys really think
I can pull this off?

Rory, relax. You actually look
like boyfriend material.

I mean, if I weren't
your sister...

You know what I mean.
Hbarf.

Oh, look,
there's hot Megan.

Go talk to her and make sure
you look in her eyes this time.

Hey, Megan.

Hey.

Rory, is that you?
Oh, my god, you look so...

Oh, my stupid sisters
did it.

...cool.
Under my direction.

I needed a change.

So, you really like it?

Oh, no doubt.

Most guys
wouldn't dress like this.

They'd be too scared of what
hpeople would think.

Yeah, well, most guys
aren't Rory hennessy.

Listen, I'm going into
that teachers' lounge,

and no matter what, you stay out
of it this time, all right?

You promise me
you won't go in there?

Okay, I promise.

Oh, my god,
he's wearing boxing gloves.

Those are oven mitts.

Oh, my god,
he's wearing oven mitts.

I'll be fine.

I thought I told you
not to come in here.

Look...

You're the class bully.

I'm the class clown.

It's high school
all over again.

We're adults now.

Tell you what -- why don't
you respect my space?

I'll respect yours,
and everybody's happy.

You know, I didn't really
like that, famous anus.

Famous what?

The cookies in the hair,
hmrs. Fields --

not that into it.

In fact...

I'm not really crazy
about your cookies at all.

Oops.
Grind into carpet.

I'm going to pretend that
that didn't happen.

You can pretend all you want,
hhbut it did.

Problem is, I'm not scared
hof you anymore,

so I might lounge in the lounge
whenever I feel like loungin'.

Got that, doughboy?

Oh, he gives up.

Classic bully walking away.

If you can't stand the heat,

you gotsta get
outta the kitchen!

Oh.

This was...

Aunt Cate!

Aunt Cate!

Plan's off!
Come in now!

Aunt Cate!

Aunt Cate!

Ow.
Take it easy.

Hwow.
That lump is gigantic.

Yeah, well, you should
see the other guy.

Hi did --
not a scratch on him.

Well, he's
emotionally scarred.

That's wors

my words are like
ninja throwing stars.

Hey, hey, look at this.

Before you start, this
is nursing, not mothering.

You actually fought him?

No, he made me eat
a dozen cookies off the floor,

and I bumped
my head getting up.

I'm sorry, champ.

But I only ate .

Yeah.

You know what?
It was worth it, though.

Probably get him
off my case for good.

Plus, they were delicious.
The man bakes a nice cookie.

Well, I'm just glad
you're okay,

and this whole stupid thing
hhis over.

It might be over for C.J.,
but I know guys like Edwards.

He'll just find another victim,
some pitiful sap

who'd never stand up to him
in a million years.

Nice frosted hair, hennessy.

Where'd you get that done,
the beauty salon?