20x05 - Brief Encounter

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Guy". Aired January 1999 - current.*
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"Family Guy" revolves around the adventures of the dysfunctional Griffin family striving to cope with everyday life in the fictional city of Quahog, Rhode Island, as they are thrown from one crazy scenario to another.
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20x05 - Brief Encounter

Post by bunniefuu »

It seems today that all you see

Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

TOM (ON TV):
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.


Our top story:
doing laundry and drinking beer.


(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry.

Doing laundry and drinking beer?

Quahog welcomes Duds & Suds,
a new laundromat that serves beer.


So if you want to drink

and watch your kid's teacher
wash his only pair of pants,


get on down there.

- Ah, cool!
- We should go!

Nothing better than putting on
a warm diaper right out of the dryer.

(GRUNTS)

- Ah, I'm okay! Let's go again!
- (KNOCKING, RATTLING)

- CHRIS: Shut up! Shut up!
- What's the problem?

- CHRIS: What day is it?
- Wednesday?

CHRIS: Aka, the one day a week
I have independent study first period

and get to sleep in!

- So shut up!
- (BANGING)

Stewie, when I was over
visiting Grandma and Grandpa,

humiliating myself to ask them
to keep paying for your preschool...

I know you don't understand me,
but I understand you.

I found Chi-Chi!
He's like your doll, Reuben.

I know, I know, I know.

You called Joanna "Joanne"
the other day, it happens.

He was always very special to me,

now I want him
to be very special to you.

- What is she even talking about?
- Toy!

Toy? Oh, oh, toy!
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

- Yay, toy!
- Yay, toy!

- (BANGING)
- CHRIS: Shut! Up!

I'm so sorry, Chris!
I forgot it was Wednesday!

(CHUCKLES):
Oh, sorry, where are my manners?

Chi-Chi, this is Reuben... Uh, Rupert!

(CHUCKLES):
Rupert! I-I meant... I meant Rupert.

You know that.

(INSECTS TRILLING)

(WHISPERING):
I know it's not ideal that he's here,

but I can't just throw him out.

Lois would be crushed.
She has, like, nothing in her life.

Of course I saw his Bible,
that's the first thing I saw.

_

Hey, check it out.
You and Peter have the same undies.

What are you talking about?
He just wears run-of-the-mill Hanes.

Yours aren't Hanes?

No, mine are Planes.
All pilots wear them.

_
- Look at that, Planes.

"The perfect underwear
for unexpected wind shear."

- Is that, like, farts?
- Yes, that's like farts.

_

(KIDS CHATTERING)

Oh, hello, Doug. Can I sit here?

I don't care. My stop is next.

I assume you're taking this
to the end of the line?

Out to the land of cheap rents
and tract housing?

My stop's pretty soon, too.
What's on your shoes?

Oh. These are called laces.

I doubt you've ever heard of them,
Mr. Velcro.

I know about laces!
I've just never seen black ones.

Geez. Why are you always such a d*ck?

Takes one to know one.

Where did you learn that? That's great!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That-that wasn't about you.

I... I'm just...
There's-there's stuff going on at home.

I'd love to hear about it,
though fair warning:

I know little
of lower-middle class plight.

Eh, it's just this new
stuffed monkey Chi-Chi's

making waves with my old stuffy.

I keep trying to get rid of the monkey,
but my mom keeps finding him...

and I can tell you're bored.

Far from it, Stewie.

I feel for you.
That actually sounds like

what I'm going through
with Miss Tiggywinkles.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's really wearing on me.

Hey, I just had a crazy idea.
We might be able to help each other out.

- How's that?
- Think about it:

two fellas meet on a train,
and do each other's murders.

I k*ll Chi-Chi,
you k*ll Miss Tiggywinkles.

Nobody could ever connect us
to the crimes. Crisscross.

You've got yourself a deal!

Great. Well, this is my stop.

No, no, no! You can't!
You can't! That's hot lava!

Whoa. (CHUCKLES) That was close.

_
- ♪

Giggity morning, everyone.

Lois, can I see you
in the other room for a second?

- Sure.
- All right!

Peter, what would you like
for breakfast?

Chocolate chip pancakes.

Lois, can I see you
in the other room for a second?

So... Whew. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, what did you want? Uh, wa-waffles?

Yeah, sure.

Lois, can I see you
in the other room for a second?

I couldn't perform a third time,
so we just read.

Morning, beautiful.

I had the Uber guy sleep outside,
so he's ready when you're ready.

_
- ♪

But first, a dump so long

I will be able to read
everything Garfield ever wrote.

(GIGGLES)

Jon.

Morning, Captain Quagmire.

Hey, did you know
if this plane was a wiener,

we'd be the wiener's eyes?

QUAGMIRE (OVER P.A.):
Hello, this is your captain speaking


from the, uh, cockpit.

(GIGGLES)

COPILOT:
Lot of penis stuff from you today.


QUAGMIRE: Quiet, you don't talk.

Now please enjoy this in-flight music

I brought with me
from my glove compartment.


Ah, well, everybody's heard
about the bird


B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word.



Guess I'll go for my walk
and leave Chi-Chi all alone!

(HENRY HALL'S
"THE TEDDY BEARS' PICNIC" PLAYING)

If you go down in the woods today

You're sure of a big surprise

If you go down in the woods today

You better go in disguise

For every bear that ever there was

Will gather there
for certain, because

Today's the day the teddy bears
have their picnic.


Wow, how far is it from up here?



(GLASS SHATTERS)

Goodnight Moon?
Ugh, God, Stewie's so basic.

Oh, my God, he did it.

Oh, no! I've been out all morning
with lots of witnesses,

and now this!

Chris! Help!

For God's sake, what now?

So, I was out on my walk with Jane,
Ally P., and Ali R....

both got disastrous haircuts yesterday,

obviously that stays in this room...

and I just came in
and found Chi-Chi like this!

Stewie, do you know what day it is?

It's the next Wednesday.

I believe you're aware
of my Wednesday schedule.

First period, independent study.

Oh, so you are.

And do you remember what I like to do

during first period, independent study?

- Sleep.
- Sleep!

(CHUCKLES): Oh, you're a quick study.

- (ALARM CLOCK BLARING)
- (BLEEP)

LOIS: Chris, your alarm is going off!

I know!



All right, time to m*rder
Miss Tiggywinkles.

Oh, never been invited to Doug's before.

Whoa! Chalkboard wall? No way!

The only limitation is my imagination.

So fun!

GIRL:
Stay right here, Miss Tiggywinkles.

Dougie will be home soon to play.

(DOOR CLOSES)

b*at it, you don't want to see

what I'm about to do
to Miss Tiggywinkles!

Get away from me n...

_

(GASPS) Oh, my God! I can't read!

(DOOR CREAKING)

- (GRUNTS)
- Here you go, Miss Tiggywinkles.

(GASPS) Miss Tiggywinkles is a real cat!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

You know what? I can do this.

(PURRING)

I can't do it! I can't k*ll a cat!

Unless you were in the movie musical
with Rebel Wilson?

I can't do it!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Baywatch.

All right!

There he is,

the reason our lawn
looks like it has leopard skin pants.

What's up with you lately?

You've been acting really weird
all of the sudden.

"All of the sudden," Brian?

I think what you mean is
"all of a sudden."

Ladies and gentlemen,
that's the author in the house.

What's your problem?
Why are you being such a jerk to me?

My problem with you?
Let's see, where do I begin?

You accept food, clothing and shelter,
yet no responsibilities.

You constantly want to sleep
with my wife, who is an angel.

Oh, and the hypocrisy.

You claim to be an ally to women,

but I bet you don't even know
Nancy Pelosi's official title.

Sure, I do. She's, uh...
Chuck Schumer's secretary.

Forget it, Brian. Now, can you strap me
to this milking table?

My wife will be home soon.

_

Stewie Griffin, do you want to tell me

why you didn't hold up your end
of the bargain with Miss Tiggywinkles?

Seriously?

Maybe because you failed to mention
she was a real, living cat.

Hey, I k*lled your monkey!

Don't you see how that's different?

We had a deal.

No, I know. (STAMMERS) But I just...
I d... I don't... I don't think...

Boy, this is really gonna hurt
your reputation

with my kindergarten friends.

You have kindergarten friends?

(CHUCKLES): Oh, yeah.

I let them throw pinecones at me
all the time.

But now I'm gonna have to tell them
you welshed on me.

(SUCKS TEETH)
Kindergartners hate welshers.

Kindergartners, eh?

You know what? I'll do it.

Good choice, Stewie.

Hey, m-maybe after all this is done,

I-I could get kindergartners
throwing pinecones at me?

(CHUCKLES): Whoa, slow down, champ.
They start you at driveway pebbles.

Ah, Brian, just the man
I was hoping to see.

You don't like cats, do you?

- I hate 'em.
- Sit.

Three of Lois' sweaty jogging bras.

Have I really been that good of a boy?

That depends. I got a cat problem.

You get rid of my cat,
this is all yours.

- Done.
- Go ahead, boy.

(SNIFFING)

Oh, yeah!

She ran fast
because Bonnie was watching.

_

What happened to you?

I'm not really sure.
I was in line at the bank,

and this human-sized chicken
cut in front of me.

Well, I wasn't gonna let that stand.

I had a weird day, too.

I asked, like, seven people

if they were gonna watch
the SpaceX launch.

And I-I don't even know what that is.

Hey, you two are both
acting very strange,

and I think I know what it is.

He's wearing your underwear,
and you're wearing his.

How do you know that?

Well, you know,
when some people go blind

their other senses are heightened.

When I lost my legs,
I gained a sense of underpants.

What are you talking about?
We didn't switch underwear.

Are you sure about that?
Stand up and let Jojo flip your taggies.

Turn around. Butt-to-butt.

Hanes.

Planes.

(LAUGHING)

Whoo!

What the hell?

We must've accidentally grabbed
the wrong ones at the laundromat.

Oh, so your boys were
where his boys were.

And your boys were where his boys were.

BOTH: Oh, my God!

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Peter and Quagmire exchanged underwear.

Ha! Classic!

Me, I don't wear underwear.
I just wear trunks.

Tree guy.

That'll hit you
when you're driving home.

Hey, look at this table.
What are you guys talking about?

Oh, hey, I-I, uh...

I didn't... I didn't know
you take out trash, too.

Yeah, I-I, uh... Only on trash days.

No, right, of course.
Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry. I-I...


- (KICKS GROUND)
- (SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES): I'm not sure what to say.

(CHUCKLES) I know. It's awkward.

I thought things would go back to normal

after we traded underwear yesterday.

(PLAYING "TAPS")

I'm gonna have Lois cancel
our dinner plans

with you and Ida tomorrow.
I-I think it's too soon.

Hey, you don't think the guys
are talking about us, do you?

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

I still can't believe they wore
each other's underwear.

Like, can you imagine?

I know, right?
Like, icky times a thousand.

Hey, this is crazy,

but what if we wore
each other's underwear,

just for a joke?

What? No, that's a terrible idea.

Yeah, just-just joking.

So stupid!

Can I be done now?

(DOOR CREAKS)

Okay, you go in there, k*ll Miss T,
and we'll sneak out the back.

You need a w*apon or anything?

She's a cat, I'm a dog. I'm good.

- (BRIAN BARKING)
- (RATTLING)

(MISS TIGGYWINKLES SNARLS)

(BRIAN GROWLING)

- (RATTLING STOPS)
- (BRIAN GROWLS)

(MISS TIGGYWINKLES MEOWS)

(LOUD MEOW)

It went poorly.

Thanks again for having us over, Lois.

Zesty Italian? Oh, I-I just couldn't.
Not this close to bedtime.

(WHISPERS):
You said you were gonna cancel dinner.

(WHISPERS):
I have zero control in my marriage.

Whoops. (CHUCKLES) I dropped my roll,

which is not at all
an invitation for Peter

to have an under-the-table conference.

Ha! Darn thing's always coming off.

Excuse me for one moment, won't you?

Why did you do that?

You dropped all the bread.
What was I supposed to do?

Okay, that makes sense.

So, I went
to the underwear doctor and...

you should probably get checked.

They say when you wear
someone's underwear,

you're also wearing the underwear

of everyone whose underwear
they've worn.

I can't believe this!
I thought I knew you, Glenn Quagmire!

(CHUCKLES) Here I go again,
filling up on ears.

What's going on here, you two?
You're being very rude.

Lois spent all day
overcooking this meal.

We accidentally wore
each other's underwear.

(LAUGHING)

I can't believe you wore
each other's undies!

(LAUGHS) This is hysterical!

- (BANGING ON WALL)
- CHRIS: Shut! Up!

Oh, it's not even Wednesday!

CHRIS: It's Tuesday night!
That's part of it!

Guys, this isn't funny!

Relax, Peter. It's no big deal.

You don't get it!

Oh, quit being so dramatic.
Ladies switch underwear all the time.

I might be wearing Bonnie's right now.
I don't even remember.

While that is super sexy
and being stored for later,

it's very different for guys.

That's not true, male friends can be
more intimate than they used to.

- BOTH: Nope!
- And the lines of sexuality

- are more fluid than ever.
- BOTH: Nope!

And people aren't so quick
to judge or label.

Please stop.

Masculinity just doesn't account
for stuff like this.

Look, guys can share laughs and beers,

but we don't share feelings,
emotions, or underwear.

Between male friends,
there's no coming back from this.

He's right. I'm afraid our relationship
is on the skids.

Maybe there's hope for the future,
but things now are too spotty.

I just don't know
if there's any front-to-back to this.

Our reputations are smeared.

If I wasn't so yellow,
maybe I'd push harder.

But, hey,
we had a really good streak, huh?

What's going on out there, Dad?

We accidentally wore
each other's underwear,

so Mr. Quagmire is moving.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, obviously one of you
would need to.

Peter, this is completely ridiculous.

Babe. What's done is done.

Look, I don't have a lot of friends,

it's kind of a problem on the show.

But if I did, I would never let
anything come between us,

especially a pair of underwear.

You know what, Lois? You're right.

Now go tell him not to move.



_

_



Quagmire,

I just want to say that you can
wreck a good pair of underwear,

but you can't wreck a good friendship.

That's nice, Peter.

Underwear should never come
between two friends.

Well, it kind of should.

(CHUCKLES):
Yeah, yeah. It kind of should, yeah.

Will you help me move my stuff
back inside?

Only if I can do it half naked
and in front of all our neighbors.

Not my first choice, but okay.



Miss Tiggywinkles, wake up!
You've got to get out of here!

Oh, my God, you're dead!

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Well, what do we have here?

Stewie Griffin, cat m*rder*r?

What? You psycho! You k*lled her?

Maybe I did, maybe she d*ed
of natural causes.

The only thing that matters
is that now I have the goods on you.

Oh, that's a terrible photo.
Would you mind doing it again?

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Aw, yeah. That's cute.
Can you send me that?

No.

Give me that picture!

Hey, Doug. Sorry about your kitty.

I guess the pet store
didn't have a men's department, huh?

- Uh, well, I tried to get a...
- (SNORES THEN GROANS)

Hey, I don't want to be too tired
to drive home.

Does this story have an ending?

Later, losers! I'm five!

(HORN HONKS)

- Who is that?
- That's Tyler.

He's, uh, kind of my Doug.

Boy, we all get a Doug, huh?

Yeah, Tyler's Doug is a drunk stepdad.

- Yikes.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm glad everyone's back
in their regular underwear

and everything's back to normal.

Me, too. And thank you
for cleaning the milking table.

Well, we had quite a week as well.

We sure did.

I mean, you got your ass kicked
by a cat.

Well, it was really more of a draw.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, you want to end the show
with a "To Be Continued" meme?"

I-I don't even know what that...

- (BAZOOKA CLICKS)
- (LOUD BOOM)
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