The House of Yes (1997)

[bunniefuu]

I'll always remember that day.

Marty and I
had just turned 14,

and we went
to an Ides of March party.

And I went as Jackie Onassis,

in a pink Chanel suit
and a pillbox hat

and blood on my dress.

Well, ketchup, actually,
and other stuff too,

like macaroni kind of
glued on like brains.

It was more tasteful
than it sounds.

Everybody remembers that day,

exactly what they were doing.

Thank you, Mrs. Kennedy,

for showing us
your official home.

This is the White House
as seen from the South Lawn.

This is the Pascal house
as seen from the front lawn.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. John F. Kennedy.

Where are we now,
Mrs. Kennedy?

This is what is known
as the Brown Room.

As you can see, there are
many wonderful pieces here.

The style of the room is
dictated by the mantelpiece,

which is a gift
of Mrs. Maurice Noun

from Des Moines, Iowa.

This mantelpiece
was donated by

Mrs. Norrine McCune
of South Bend, Indiana.

It's really a treasure,
and I wish there were more people like Mrs. Noun.

I wish we had more people like Mrs. McCune.

It's through this door that
all the heads of state come.

And here's where
the Marine Band plays.

And then everyone goes in to dinner in the State Dining Room.

I'm rolling. Oh.

This is where all
the state dinners are given.

There were almost
two a month last year.

This is the main dining room,

where we entertain visiting heads of state and their wives.

This room has the most
architectural unity.

I just think everything in the White House should be the best.

So when you find a room
like this, it's wonderful.

There's the China Room and the Gold Room and the library.

This is the broadcast room...
This is the Red Room...

The diplomatic reception room...
This is the men's room...

This is the Green Room...
Lincoln's cabinet room...

His office is really
a chamber of horrors now.

Jackie, no!

This used to be Daddy's room.

I mean, Mr. Pascal's
office space.

We shouldn't be in here.

Dining room... bedroom...
cabinet room... China Room...

Broadcast room...
Blue Room... men's room...

This is the kitchen!

Jeez, it's just the kitchen.

This is the living room,

center for living
and leisure activities,

and boring piano lessons!

Ha-ha!

Come on, Marty!

Daddy-O!

Anthony, help me
masking-tape these windows.

Puttin' those crosses? Yeah.

The Kennedys aren't puttin'
crosses on their windows.

They could really care.
They have ten other houses.

It's like wearin' garlic,
those crosses.

It was on the news.
It can't hurt.

Yes, it can.
It goos up the windows.

Did Marty call? Last night.

I know, last night.
Did Marty call today?

He's bringin' a friend.What?

He said he was
bringin' a friend.

Male or female? I don't know.

What did he say, exactly?

He said, "Tell Mom
I'm bringin' a friend."

Why not me? Why not "Tell
Jackie I'm bringing a friend"?

I think it pertained
to groceries, bedrooms.

Like that, logistics.

Anthony, tell me
everything Marty said.

He said, "Hello, Anthony?"
I said, "Yeah, Marty?"

He said, "Yeah."
We said, "Hey."

Marty said, "Hey"? Not like, "Hey."

Like, "Hey!" Like a noise,
like a noise of jubilation.

Marty was jubilant?

At this point
in the phone call.

At least he was doing a fair
impersonation of jubilant.

Marty was pretending
to be jubilant.

Oh, my God.
What's wrong with Marty?

And who is this friend?

And who is this friend?
Exactly.

How did he sound? He sounded good.

He said he was good.But he was lying.

He's not good.
He hates New York.

He's coming home.For Thanksgiving.

For good.Did he say that?

I don't know. Did he? No.

How come nobody
told me about this friend?

Jackie?

Did I tell you your brother's
bringing a friend?

What kind of friend? I don't know.

Marty's never had
a friend before.

Who taped up the windows? I did. I saw it on the news.

That tape leaves goo.
It goos up the windows.

Goo is what tape
is all about.

Goo is what makes it tape
instead of paper.

A person offers
constructive criticism,

and a person gets lectured
on the nature of things.

I came in to ask something.
I can't think what it is.

Ah! Anthony, did I make up
the guest room?

How should I know?

A person asks a civilized
question, and a person...

I'll go up and check.

Did you give your sister
her medication?

Uh-huh.

Ah! Maybe we should
do the chandeliers.

Were you this excited
when I came home?

That was different. You were
dropping out of college.

A good college.So why did you leave?

With Marty gone, who was gonna
take care of you?

Mama.Yeah, right.

I hear his car!
I hear Marty's car!

You can't hear cars.
There's a hurricane.

Where's my brush?
I had a hairbrush right here.

Are we gonna make
a run for it?

Yeah.

What did it look like? It looked like a hairbrush.

Like a brush
you brush your hair with.

Was it pink? Yes, it was pink, g*dd*mn it.

It was pink,
and now it's gone.

I put it upstairs. I didn't
want it around the food.

It wasn't around the food.
The food is in the kitchen!

It was on the same floor
as the food.

I have a comb.I don't want a comb!

I want a brush.

Combs straighten your hair.
I want it to gleam!

It is gleaming.It is not!

It is, it is.
I need sunglasses, almost.

It is? It is.

Marty! Oh, Jackie!

Lesly... this is Jackie-O.Hi.

My mother. Anthony.Hi.

Meet Lesly.
Lesly and I are engaged.

I have to find
my hairbrush!

Oh, I have a comb.

Marty, you're a wreck.
Give me your coat.

I was in a hurricane, Mama.
I just came in from a hurricane.

You look thinner.
You look so thin.

Oh, my God. I sounded
like a mother.

Didn't I sound like a mother? You are a mother.

I know, but I still
can't believe it.

I look at you people and wonder,
"How ever did you fit in my womb?"

Marty, why don't you get the fire really going like you do?

Anthony, you help him.
Squeeze the blower or something.

Lesly and I
will check on dinner.

Can I check on dinner, too? No, you cannot.

There's going to be
girl talk in there.

I like girl talk.

If you were there, it wouldn't
be girl talk, would it?

Do I have to squeeze
the blower?

No, sweetheart.
You just have to do something in some other location.

You have a lovely home.

Home? Your house, it's lovely.

Oh, yes, it was.
I mean, it is.

I mean, it will be,
until it gets blown away.

We'll all get blown away
to Oz or something.

Can I help with anything? Oh, no.

It's all under control.

So, Lesly, how long
have you known Marty?

Hmm, about six months.

And you know him
pretty well, do you?

I don't know. I think so.

I guess you've met a lot
of Marty's girlfriends.

Oh, not really.

Well, I hope
I'm the first fiancée.

Oh, you're definitely the first,
and I hope, the last.

Me, too.

I had one great passion in my life,
and do you know what that was?

Your husband? My husband, precisely.

I didn't know he was my one great passion until he was gone.

Till he was gone.

My one great passion was the man
I met that night at a party.

Any man I met at a party who could use a new adjective to describe me.

I really have no idea
who my children belong to.

All I know for sure is

that Jackie and Marty
belong to each other.

Jackie's hand was
holding Marty's penis

when they came out of the womb.

The doctor swore to me.
It's in some medical journal somewhere.

Ha!

Well, I guess I should
go freshen up now.

Oh, do, by all means.

Look at you, you're drenched!

Anthony, did I put
clean towels out on the bed?

How should I know? Go and see.

And show Lesly
to the guest room.

Why not my room, Mama?

You're not married yet,
are you, young man?

Are there sheets on the bed? Mm-hmm.

Make sure to show her how to jiggle the toilet so it doesn't run.

Marty, a word.

A word, Mama,
or many words?

Now, don't get snippy,
Marty.

You've been in this house
exactly 37 seconds,

and you're already snippy.

It's no wonder your father
d*ed young.

He'd simply had it
with all this snippiness.

A person can die a slow death

from being snipped at
year after year.

The way he said "salad"
when he meant "solid..."

The two of you would not let it go,
like a puppy with a rag doll.

Daddy didn't die
a slow death.

Let's stick to the subject.

I have no idea
what the subject is.

I'll tell you
what the subject is not.

No, Mama, that's
too broad a category.

Tell me what the subject is.

You, a fiancée, here. Why?

I love her, and I'm just
trying to follow procedure.

Do you love her
for any particular reason?

Why? You didn't
like her?

I spoke to her for exactly
37 seconds, Marty.

Who is she? What does she do?

She's a waitress in
the Donut King on 14th Street.

Ah.She smells like powdered sugar.

Ah? Marty...

men don't marry girls
who smell like powdered sugar.

They have a sweet
little affair with them,

which they recall fondly
in their twilight years.

Don't be such a snob.

Marty, your sister has been out of the hospital less than six months.

Last week,
she nearly lost it because the seltzer water was flat.

And you bring a woman home.

Not just a woman,
but a fiancée,

an anti-Jackie.

Are you trying to push
your sister over the edge?

No.

Well, just what, then,
are you trying to do?

Be normal.

It's a little late
for that, young man.

You want us to leave? Yes, I want you to leave

at once, without further ado,
as soon as the storm lets up.

If you don't,
I'll take away your sheets,

your towels, everything.

Without further ado? Yes. I'm getting dramatic.

Well, stop it.

What do I tell Lesly? Tell her the truth.

The truth.

That your sister's insane.
She'll understand.

Don't say "insane."
She's ill.

If she were ill,
I could give her an aspirin,

I could put her to bed.
I could make her...

that soup you're
supposed to make.

Chicken noodle? That, exactly.

But I cannot.
I mean, I can make the soup.

For heaven's sake,
it comes in a can.

But I cannot make her well.
I have tried.

I thought it was better
that I come and tell her myself.

It would be better
not to tell her at all.

It would be better
if you had nothing to tell.

If there's anyone present
who knows

why this marriage
should not take place,

it is me.

Why?

Why what?

Why shouldn't this marriage
take place?

You know why.

Tell me.

Ha. Excuse me.

I'm going to go
baste the turkey

and hide the kitchen knives.

So, those are the towels.

You like them?
'Cause I could get you others.

We have black ones
with Roman scenes on 'em.

Oh, that's OK.
These are dry.

This is just from the car
to the door.

Can you believe it? Yes.

It's a hurricane.I know.

This is supposed to be
waterproof mascara.

You look lovely.

Oh...

Did I show you
the toilet thing?

Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

You just jiggle it.Right.

It hasn't worked right since Jackie flushed Marty's lizard.

Oh. It got in there
by mistake?

No, on purpose.

She flushed him on purpose? I think she was jealous.

Marty loved that lizard.
It turned different colors.

Well, I guess you want to do
your mascara or somethin'.

Yeah.

Well, my mom put out
bobby pins and hair glop.

Brushes...
Everything you'd need.

So, if you want to do
your hair... you're set.

I do.
What?

Want to do my hair. You know,
'cause of the rain and all.

It looks nice the way it is.

Oh, come on!
Really.

Oh, well... I guess
I'll see you at dinner?

Yeah. I hope you like turkey

'cause that's what
we're havin'.

Yes. I mean,
it's Thanksgiving.

Right.

Did I show you the toilet thing? Yeah.

And the towels? Oh, right here.

Could you check
and see if there are sheets?

'Cause my mother
was all distracted.

Yeah, there are! And pillows?

Anthony... I don't mean
to be unpolite,

but I'm kind of tired...
and all, so...

Oh. Oh!

I'm sorry.
It's just...

Well, we've never
had a guest before.

Never?
Never.

Hey.
Marty...

...the toilet's running.

It's making this strange noise.

What are you doing? Oh... I don't like these shoes.

They look fine.They skid. I nearly skidded.

Come here.

No.
Why not?

Lipstick.Reapply.

You know, Lesly,
we don't have to stay here.

Marty!
What?

Well, it's Thanksgiving! Nobody cares.

Yeah, but we drove... We could drive back.

We could watch the parade.It's rained out.

Says who? The news!

They showed Bullwinkle blowing on the side of the Chrysler Building.

We can't miss that!
That settles it, we're going.

: Let go.I love your shoes.

Stop it!

You've met them,
they've met you. Let's go!

Oh! But they gave me towels
and bobby pins and everything.

Bobby pins?

It'd be rude.They won't care.

They don't like me.They love you!

Oh! I wore the wrong clothes! No!

I was in a hurricane,
you know!

I mean, a person
can't look all...

When it's raining
and it's blowing...

You looked beautiful.
You are beautiful.

Kiss me.

They're your family.

You are my family.

Not yet.

Did Marty tell you
about me?

Oh, yes.

What did he tell you? How you were.

How's that?

You know, glamorous.

I spend most of my days
with my head in the toilet bowl.

Oh, well... Throwing up pills.

I can't really think when I take the pills,
and a person needs to think.

I mean, if a person
can't think, what are they?

Why are you taking the pills? The doctors make me.

Well, have you talked to them about not being able to think at all?

Oh, they'd just think I was
crazy not taking my pills.

Most doctors are men,
you know.

They think we're all
perpetually premenstrual.

Oh. Well, we are.

I mean, except when
we're actually having it.

Sex?
No.

You know, the visitor.

That's what I call it.

Are you saving yourself
for marriage?

How do you mean? Blood on the sheets, all that?

Well, we live together,
Marty and me.

Must be hard,
saving yourself for marriage when you live together.

You think I should've?

If I were getting married,
I'd wanna check out the goods.

Me too.How were they, the goods?

Marty?
Oh! I can't describe.

What's the wildest place
you've ever made love?

With Marty? Yes.

I can't talk like that
about your brother.

Pretend he's not my brother.
I do.

Well, this one time...

What? I can't.

Why not? It's embarrassing!

If you don't tell me,
I'll just get it out of Marty.

Oh, he would never... Never what?

Talk like that.

Marty and I tell
each other everything.

Everything? We're twins.

Did he tell you about
his other girlfriends?

Did he tell youabout
his other girlfriends?

There was one, he said.Did he tell you about her?

No. What was she like?

Who?
The girl.

She wasn't a girl.
She was a woman.

She was older than Marty.

No, they were almost
exactly the same age.

Talk about glamorous.
She was glamorous.

I thought so.

Is she still here,
in Washington?

Very much so. I wonder... What?

No, it's none of my business.What?

If he plans to get together
with her while he's home.

Why didn't he marry her? He couldn't.

Why not? It was a family thing.

Families objected? Something like that.

He never told me.Men and their secrets.

Not all men
have secrets.

We all have our secrets.

Jeez, the fire's
gone out already.

The rain
must be coming in.

Where's Jackie-O?

In her room.

What's she doing there? I don't know.

Brushin' her hair.

How's she doing? I don't know. She's in her room.

I mean, generally.

Good. I mean, good for Jackie.

What does she do all day?

I don't know. I mean,
what does anybody do all day?

What do you do all day?
What do I do all day?

What doyou do all day?

I don't know.
She reads books.

What kind of books? Assassination books.

What else? That's about it.

How many assassination books
can there be?

A lot. Lincoln, McKinley,
Kennedy, King, Kennedy...

All right.And she watches soap operas.

She likes it especially
when they have a character,

and that actress
leaves the show,

and a new actress steps in
and becomes the character.

Nobody on the show
notices any difference...

Jackie watches soap operas?

I guess you heard about
the seltzer water thing.

That was the last big...
you know.

It was flat.Yeah.

So what'd she do?

Well, she started screaming
about bubbles,

how there were no bubbles,

so she started boiling
the seltzer water.

When the water started bubbling,
she poured the boiling water

back into the seltzer bottle,

which was plastic
and started to melt,

and kind of melted into her hand
where she was holding it.

She had to go to the emergency
room with third-degree burns.

And on the way home, whenever
Mom and I asked her a question,

she'd tell us to, "Stop
giving me the third degree!"

And she'd laugh,
kind of, like, hysterically.

So, she's not what
you'd call "recovered."

Do you think I should stay? Yes! Yes, I do.

Uh, you're not supposed
to have that.

What? The wine.

Isn't there enough? There's enough, but...

She's not supposed
to have that.

Why not? Because of her medication.

Not this medication, Anthony.
The one before I couldn't drink.

They switched me. I used
to be green, now I'm brown.

I wanted pills to match my eyes.
Color me beautiful.

Mama wants us to leave.

She's afraid I'm gonna
push you over the edge.

No, I've been over the edge.
Now I'm back.

Lesly doesn't know
about the hospital.

Oh? She knows about the hospital,

but not what kind of hospital.

Does she know about
your hospital?

Sort of.

Let me guess,
you had your appendix out.

You did? No.

Marty, wanna show me your scar? No.

I'm sorry about that,
by the way.

I didn't mean to maim you.

I only meant to k*ll you.These things happen.

I've noticed Anthony wears
a lot of layers around me.

Don't you, Anthony?
Look at him.

He's got a T-shirt, a dress
shirt, a vest and a jacket.

I'm wearing a jacket
'cause it's Thanksgiving.

You weren't wearing it
before.

I put it on
after Marty got here!

I appreciate it.
It looks nice.

I got it at the Treasure-Trove.
Think it belonged to a Kennedy.

Why, is there a b*llet hole? Hmm. Marty, you're home.

Lady said Mrs. Kennedy
donated a bunch of stuff.

She was pretty sure
this was in the Kennedy batch.

See, Marty, you turn
the household upside down.

Anthony went out
and bought a jacket,

and I went to a lot of trouble
to get sane,

so you can't just leave.

Lesly, on the other hand,
is free to go at any time.

I've never been
to a hurricane before.

Have you? BOTH: Yes.

When? Oh, it was before you were born.

We went to Virginia Beach,
and our motel was right on the water.

Mom and Dad were drinking
rum and Pepsi

out of Styrofoam cups
and giggling.

All the good stuff happened
before I got born.

This wine's not very cold.

Mama forgot to put it
back in the icebox.

I wish I had a piece of ice.I'll get you one.

Don't go. Marty,
fetch me a piece of ice.

I'll get it for you.

Marty's been
in the car all day.

He'd leap at an opportunity
to stretch his legs.

He doesn't know
where we keep the ice.

Everyone knows
where you keep the ice!

I'll get the ice.

Are you gonna be good
when Lesly comes down?

Marty, I'm the hostess.Yeah.

Make sure
it's cold!

She's pretty, isn't she? Who?

Who do you think? I guess.

She doesn't seem
like Marty's type.

Do you think she seems
like Marty's type?

I don't know.

You and she would
make a cute couple.

Why, I'll bet you're
just the same age.

They're getting married, Jackie.
She's got a ring.

Tiffany's? I don't know.

I think she has
the sneak for you.

Stop.I do.

She's engaged!

So? She only just met you
tonight.

Who knows? These things
happen all the time.

Jackie, I'm not gonna... What?

I don't know.

It's OK, Anthony.

I understand.

Understand what?

Just because Marty's
attracted to girls

doesn't mean
you have to be.

I'm attracted to girls! Really? Are you sure?

Yes!
Hmm.

Anthony, look.

Isn't that the prettiest
ice cube you've ever seen?

It used to be bigger.I wonder what happened.

Whatever it was,
it happened just between the kitchen and here.

Look, Marty, your hands are all wet.
Now, there's a clue.

It probably melted...
on the way.

Oh, my!
Good evening!

Good evening.

Is that an evening dress? I don't know.

It certainly looks
like an evening dress.

It's very pretty.Well, I dressed for dinner.

Would you like a glass
of Liebfraumilch?

No, thank you.
I'll just have a glass of wine.

That's the name of the wine.Oh!

I don't speak French! Who does?

You do.Oh, that's right, I do.

So, what does that name mean? In French?

I think something German.Oh.

It means
"loving mother's milk."

You speak French? No, German.

Well, I know how to say
"I love you" in sign language.

Let's see.Oh!

Cool!

Don't leave this girl alone with any handsome deaf-mutes, Marty.

That's my advice.

Have you ever been
to Washington before?

No.

Not even on a field trip?
Not even on a fifth-grade field trip?

No. I mean, my class went,
but I didn't go.

In fifth grade? Really? Sixth. Sixth grade.

So you just snubbed it.
You just snubbed your nation's capital.

Um, my parents
wouldn't let me go.

What's their number? What do you mean?

How could they have ruined
a field trip?

Really, people like that
burn me up.

Don't they burn you up, Marty? They didn't have the money.

What a lie.
How much could it've cost?

Too much.

Were you poor?
Did you eat chicken pot pies?

Pancakes.
A lot of pancakes.

Pancakes.
Pancakes, Marty.

So how did you
pull yourself out?

Out of poverty, I mean.I left Pennsylvania.

That was a step in the right
direction, clearly.

Do they have paintings
in Pennsylvania?

Jackie! Come here.What?

What do you think you're doing? What are youdoing?

You said you were
gonna be nice.

Just trying to keep
the conversation going.

Just stop it!

Marty, I've never been
to Pennsylvania.

I've never even met anyone
who's been to Pennsylvania,

much less been
from Pennsylvania.

Now, Pennsylvania's
just this state

that gets in your way
when you go someplace else.

Why do they call you
Jackie-O?

We went to
an Ides of March party,

and I went as Jackie Onassis,

in a pink Chanel suit
and a pillbox hat,

and blood on my dress.

Blood? Well, ketchup, mostly.

And other stuff, too,
like macaroni

kind of glued on, like brains.

I don't think that's funny.

Nobody else did, either.
Nobody talked to me all night.

I talked to you.

Yes.

You talked to me.

Marty, Jackie-O wants
a drink drink.

Let's drink rum and Pepsi
out of Styrofoam cups.

Come on, Anthony, darling.

Let's drink rum and Pepsi
out of Styrofoam cups.

Bring me some ice! We're out of ice.

How could we be out of ice? Mama forgot to refill the trays.

I gave you the last cube.She's got a stash somewhere.

The Pepsi's cold.It's not the same!

I'm not talking about ice.
I'm talking about texture.

I'm talking about texture.
In the last hurricane, we had ice!

Mama and Daddy had a bucket of
ice and a cooler down the hall!

We just marched down the hall
whenever we had a yen for ice!

A person gets her heart
set on a certain thing.

Yes.

A person gets her heart set
on a certain thing,

and if a certain person
can't have a certain thing,

a certain person goes insane.

I suppose you think I'm going insane just to be fashionable.

I don't think you're insane.You don't think I'm insane?

No.

You don't think
I'm an eensy-weensy bit insane?

I don't think you're insane.
I think you're just spoiled.

Oh, please.

If people are gonna start telling the truth,
I'm going to bed.

Does this happen a lot? Every g*dd*mn hurricane.

We bought emergency candles.
They're right in the kitchen.

Anthony, did we remember
to buy emergency matches?

Nobody buys matches.
People find matches.

People buy matches, Anthony,
but not people like us.

Oh, wow.Thanks, Mama.

Thank you.Thanks.

This'll be fun.
I've never had Thanksgiving dinner by candlelight.

Oh, my God.ANTHONY: What is it?

Dinner, electric stove,
Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't even think.

If I'd put in the turkey one hour earlier,
we'd be impervious.

Does anybody want
cranberry sauce?

Just cranberry sauce? You can eat it raw.

It's not really raw.
It's been precooked.

Jackie, is that a drink
you're drinking?

This drink? Yes.

No.

Anthony, is that a drink
she's drinking?

It's Liebfraumilch.Well, take it away from her!

She said she switched
medications.

She's mistaken.
Take it away.

Jackie, you look tired.
Why don't you go to bed?

I get bored in bed! Well, I'm going to bed,

and I think everyone
should do the same.

It's still early!

There's no television
and no food.

What else is there
to stay up for?

Conversation.

Oh, that. That only
gets you into trouble.

Take it from one who knows.

Hey, the Kennedys' generator
turned on their security lights.

Ha. I remember that.
I used to take lessons.

Mm-hmm.

Boy, it's been a long day.

Not as long as yesterday.
Yesterday was 24 hours.

I meant, with traveling
and all.

It's no easier staying
in one place.

Take it from one who knows.

Are you being wise?
I think you're being wise.

I knew it would happen.
One day, I just wake up wise.

One day, I woke up stupid.You did?

It was terrible.What did you do?

I went back to sleep.That was wise!

I'm tired, Marty.
I'm going up.

Are you coming up?

Uh, soon.

Clean towels and a washcloth
are laid out on the bed.

Yell down if you need anything.

What?

I did get your letter.Oh?

I've forgotten his name,
the one who was lousy in bed.

Who was lousy in bed? But to be lousy in bed,

you have to be in bed.Who was lousy in bed?

That actor.Peter?

Peter was lousy in bed?
I can't believe it.

Tell me about Peter,
Anthony.

Uh, he wears black, and he has
a gap between his teeth.

He has green eyes,
and one eye is squinty.

Like sexy, not like d*sfigured.

He's in love with Jackie.
You can tell.

If he gets to hold her coat
for her,

his heart breaks into a million
pieces on the floor.

So, Peter's in love
with Jackie-O?

Don't use that word.

What word?
"Love."

Love is for tiny people
with tiny lives.

Now, Peter and I
have nothing in common.

Now, you and I, Marty,
have a great deal in common--

parents, DNA, bone structure.

He doesn't look like
he'd be lousy in bed.

Anthony, we have something
to tell you.

Let's talk about Anthony.

Let's express some familial
concern about Anthony.

Now, Anthony,
why aren't you at school?

I dropped out.

He dropped out.Yes, I know.

Why did you drop out,
Anthony?

Why didn't you go up
with her, Marty?

We're talking about you now.
We're expressing familial concern.

No, you're not! We're not?

No, you're playing
the familial-concern game.

Oh, don't be so sincere,
Anthony. It's déclass.

I hear you crying at night,
alone in your room.

I hear her crying at night,
alone in her room.

You cry at night,
alone in your room?

Don't make fun of her.
I won't let you make fun of her.

I wasn't gonna make fun.
I was gonna ask her what she cries about.

What do you think?

You want somebody
for a very long time.

And then you have them.

And they love you...
and they make love to you.

But it's not enough.

This is the truth about sex.

Is that why Peter
was lousy in bed?

I'm not talking about Peter,
Anthony.

Jesus, I'm talking...
about Marty.

Why did you tell me?
I wish you hadn't told me.

Oh, Anthony, you knew.I did not know!

Come on, you knew.How old were you?

Young.My whole life?

Practically your whole life.I felt left out.

Little brothers always
feel left out.

I felt majorly left out!

Is that why you went crazy? No.

That's why you went crazy.
You were ashamed.

I wasn't ashamed.Well, you should be!

Anthony, don't be bourgeois.I'm not being bourgeois.

Don't call me bourgeois just
'cause I know right from wrong.

Does Lesly know? No.

Well, are you gonna tell her? No.

You're not gonna tell her? How can I tell her?

You just tell her.Why?

So she knows.I'll tell her.

Don't! She's from Pennsylvania.

She'll understand.
Entire towns are related.

But that's, like, cousins.So?

So, you're not cousins.
You're twins.

That explains a great deal.
Why Mama insists

on celebrating our birthdays
on the same day.

I thought she was just being chintzy with the party favors.

It would be bad enough if you
were just brother and sister,

but twins!

Your moral outrage
is duly noted, Anthony.

You are officially
a better person than us.

It's like f*cking a mirror!

Anthony just said "f*ck."I know, I heard.

f*cking a mirror.
That sounds painful.

Go upstairs. Go upstairs
and tell her, or I'll...

I'll...

What? Be really mad.

Don't...
What?

...do that.OK, let's do something else.

Guess where I am.

I'm in a box
and I can't get out.

No, I'm in a box
and I can't get out.

Oh, I'm sorry, but that wasn't
a very good mime, Marty,

because I didn't see
that at all.

Why did you have to tell him? To get him out of the room.

What if he tells Lesly? He won't.

What if he does? Are you ashamed?

Of what? Of us, of what we have.

Had.I don't recognize past tense.

I'm not ashamed.What are you?

I don't know.
I see other houses.

I see other lives, and... What?

They're not like mine.They're not like mine, either.

They could be.Other lives don't interest me.

That's what we always said,
but maybe we said that

because we thought
we couldn't have it. Maybe...

We could all move
to Pennsylvania.

I should go up soon.

We're not going to bed until
one of three things happen:

the hurricane ends
or we run out of rum.

That's two.Hmm.

Marty?

It's me.

I have to talk to you.

About what?

Stuff.

Well, OK, but I was just
getting ready for bed.

Can I help?

What did you want to talk
to me about?

Where did you meet Marty?

At a party.

What did he say?

Well, there were no chairs...
There were two chairs.

Marty was sitting in one,

and then he got up, you know,
to give me the chair.

I knew he wasn't from New York.

So, you fell in love with him?

No, I thought he was gay.

You did? Why?

Well, everyone is...
in New York.

I mean, not me.
Everyone, men.

Oh, and he was so beautiful,
you know?

Do you think I am...
beautiful?

Well, you look like Marty.

I do?
Uh-huh.

'Cause we're not exactly sure
we have the same father.

I mean, my mother always
had the same husband,

but she was kind of
a free spirit,

you know, like that.

Does that bother you?

If it did, it wouldn't
change anything.

I mean, I don't mean
to be Buddhistic or anything.

Be what? Buddhistic.

Oh, that's OK.

So, Lesly, how old are you?23.

Me, too.Oh, I thought you were younger.

Well... I am.
What do you think about sex?

Well... I mean,
sex is good with the right man,

but you have to be careful,

you know,
especially in New York.

Careful? Diseases and all.

Mental diseases? I guess.

If somebody else fell
in love with you now,

what would you do?

Tell them I was engaged.

You wouldn't maybe check it out,

see if maybe he's got
something to offer?

Like that?
No.

Do I... Do I have a fever?

No.Are you sure?

Well, you're warm,
but not like a fever.

More like... warm.

It's because
I'm sitting next to you.

I'm warm because I'm sitting
next to you.

Anthony! What?

I don't know.
You know, like I said.

Lesly...
can I hold your hand?

Just hold your hand?

OK.

How'd you get that scar?

Oh, uh...

Well, Marty and Jackie
were playin' French Revolution

and they made me play
Marie Antoinette.

Ha.

Well, Marty's probably gonna
be coming up pretty soon, so...

I don't think so.
He's with Jackie-O.

So?

Can I hold
somethin' else now?

Tell me about
when you lost your virginity.

No! Then tell me somethin'.

I don't know what to tell you.Anything.

Do I have a fever?

I already checked before, twice.I know.

I think I have a brain tumor.You do?

And you know what
the big tragedy of that is?

You'll die?
Yeah.

But I'll die without
ever havin'... you know.

You've never...?No.

It's not that big
a tragedy.

I mean, unless you're with
exactly the right person,

it's not that great.

It's not that great? No.

Like, if they smoke, they
taste like ashes, you know?

Or they stick their tongue in your ear so much,
you get chapped ears.

Wow.Or they're just big liars,

and will say anything
to get in bed with you.

Lesly.
Hmm?

I don't smoke, I won't stick
my tongue in your ear,

and I will always
be honest with you.

Well, thank you.

But please, Anthony,
it's too weird.

Doing it with two brothers,
it's like incest.

Lesly, about incest...

I have two words
to say to you.

Jackie-O and Marty.

Jackie-O and... Marty.

How do you know that?

They told me.

Who told you? Jackie.

Ha.Then Marty.

Marty too.

I don't believe you.

All right, let's go for five.

Ready.

Go.

Ah.

Mmm. Oh, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

There's this thing
I've heard,

and if I thought
for one second it was true,

I'd probably k*ll myself.

Does your fiancée work
in a donut shop?

A Donut King,
actually.

A Donut King.
So, is she, like, the queen?

Are we entertaining royalty?

She would be more like
a donut lady-in-waiting.

Oh, so she's sort of
a marginal donut figure?

In all fairness,
she is a minor,

and not a major,
donut figure.

Because it's a chain,
you see,

and there are women just
like her all over the city.

There are women like her all over the city.
I know that.

But this one belongs to me.
I have chosen to love her.

It wasn't thrust
upon me by...

Destiny?

I'm going to bed.

Can I come?
No.

Jackie, I love her.Oh, love.

Yes, love. Love!

I'm tired of being above everything.
I wanna be a human being.

OK, then, let's be human beings.You don't know how.

You didn't come...

to my hospital.

You didn't come.

I came.They didn't tell me.

I came at night.
I stood under your window.

I watched you
put on your makeup.

I watched you cry it off.

I knew.

I was the one making you crazy,
so I left and went to New York.

But I'm not crazy now.
I'm better.

I watch soap operas.
I bake brownies.

Normalcy is coursing
through my veins.

I want you to have a life.

I want you to love someone
you're allowed to love.

I miss you.

I miss you so much.

I miss you.

When I was with Peter...

I couldn't come
without seeing your face.

When you make love
to that Lesly girl,

do you see my face?

Sometimes.

My face how? From when?

That night we went to the party,
the Ides of March party.

Yes.

You ran into the room
in your slip and pillbox hat.

And heels.

I got to wear heels.

And Mama's stockings
with the seams.

You walked over
to the couch.

I was waiting for my skirt.

Macaroni wouldn't dry.

I followed the seams
of your stockings.

And then I was afraid.

So I began the game.

Marty, look.

Marty?

You look lovely.

I have everything.
The dress, everything.

The dress? The suit. I could put it on.

Don't.Oh, for old time's sake.

Lesly might come down.She won't come down.

How do you know? She won't come down.

Where are you going? To Marty's room.

He's not in his room.How do you know?

You don't want to go down there.I have to.

Damn, I broke my heel! Here, give it to me.

Let me fix it.
I always carry Krazy Glue.

How long does that take? I have to read the instructions.

Oh, Jesus.It works overnight!

I can't wait that long.
I'll go barefoot.

Wait, let me fix it for you.
It doesn't need overnight.

That was a lie.

Anthony, not five minutes ago you said
you would always be honest with me.

I lied, to keep you here,
upstairs.

I can't stay here.
Is my shoe ready yet?

Lesly, if you go down there,
you might see something.

I know.

Carnal.I know!

So why put yourself
through it? Don't go.

Can I have my shoe now? No.

Fine.

I have the g*n.

Put it down.

There's no b*ll*ts, Marty.
See for yourself.

Just give it to me.

It's getting quiet.We must be going into the eye.

The best part.

Do you still remember
that day?

The day of the party?

The day he was sh*t.

Everybody remembers that day,
exactly what they were doing.

The radio was on.

The TV was on.

Mama was crying
and Daddy was crying.

And Daddy was leaving.

Finally leaving.

She covered him
with her body.

She tried to keep him there.

She tried to keep his head on,
but it was falling off.

You be him.

Yes.

And I'll be her.

I'm him.

And I'm her.

Did you see them? What?

Jackie? Marty? Uh-huh.

Was I right?
Was it carnal?

Yes. No.
I don't know.

I told you not to go.
Didn't I tell you not to go?

Are you OK? No.

Oh, sweetie.

Why did you call me that?

I don't know.
It just came out.

My dad used to call me that...
before.

Before what? Before he d*ed.

I could call you that
again.

That's OK.

I don't know what to do.I could stay with you.

Stay with me how?

Any way you want me
to stay with you.

With your clothes on?
Or off.

You look like Marty.

You look like Lesly.

Lesly...
Yes.

I love you, Lesly.

Marty...

Jeez, was I that terrible?

It's supposed to last longer,
isn't it?

How long does, like, Marty last? Anthony!

What? That's personal.

You won't tell him,
will you?

How I was?
No.

But you're gonna tell him...
about us?

I don't know.What about honesty?

The importance of honesty
in a relationship?

Where are my hose? Why don't you check the light?

I don't want to.Why not?

I'm shy.

Lesly, we just...

That's different.
That was just something I did.

You have to be with someone
for a while

before you let them
really look at you.

Do you let Marty look at you? Of course.

Anthony, you can't stay here.

I was confused before.

I was in a state of confusion.

That's 'cause we were
in the heat of passion.

I wasn't in the heat of passion.I'm closing my ears.

I was pretending
that you were Marty.

But it didn't work.

You're brothers,
but you're different.

Smell different...
taste different...

Everything.

Oh.I miss little things,

like his scar.

You mean Jackie's scar.

No, Marty's.
On his stomach,

from when he had
his appendix out.

Marty had his appendix out?

Didn't he? No, Jackie sh*t him.

Stop! She did.

Why?'Cause she felt like it.

He was gonna go to New York,
and she didn't want him to go.

I can't believe you guys.

Are you going to go now? Let's wait till morning,

then tell him it's over.What's over?

You and him.It's not over, Anthony.

We are over.

Over?

How could we be over?

We just are.What if I don't wanna be over?

Anthony... please.

Let me help you
with that, dear.

Now... there's croissants
in the kitchen.

They're filled with something,
I forget what.

You can eat yours
in the cab.

I'm not taking a cab.

How are you getting
to the train?

I'm not taking the train.

Then how are you getting
back to New York?

Marty'll drive me.Marty's needed here.

Marty's needed there.Oh.

You already have.

Were you spying on us?

A mother doesn't spy.
A mother pays attention.

Marty won't let me go
without him. He loves me.

You're just a symbol
to him, dear.

A symbol of all
that is good and pure.

I'm not a symbol.Well, not anymore.

Please don't tell him
about Anthony. Please.

It'll only hurt him.

It's a little late to worry
about hurting Marty.

He never has to know about it.

Now, you can see that
Jackie-O's a very sick girl.

She needs her family.She has you. She has Anthony.

We're beside the point as far
as Jackie-O's concerned.

Jackie-O should learn she can't
always have everything her way.

Listen to me,
little Miss Missy.

You have no idea how close you came to getting badly hurt tonight.

You should feel lucky
that Jackie hasn't decided

that what she wants
is you out of the picture.

Jackie can have everything
her way.

She always has.

Is that how you raised them?

People raise cattle.
Children just happen.

They don't just
happen.

You can read Dr. Spock
from now till doomsday,

but children just happen
all the same.

This one has blue eyes,
that one's insane.

She can't have Marty.
Marty's mine.

Please. Marty's maybe been sort of yours for...
six months?

He's belonged to Jackie
for 20-odd years.

Really odd.

Leave this morning,

or Marty finds out
how you spent the night.

Your choice.

Leave now
with your symbology intact,

or stay
and lose Marty anyway.

So what if I slept
with his brother?

He slept with his sister!

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm sure you do.

Sure...

One can never be sure.

Don't forget your toothbrush.

Oh, don't clean, Mother.
Honestly.

Don't we have a maid? Not anymore.

What happened to her?

She quit when
you sh*t your brother.

Oh, that's right.

What's for breakfast, then? He speaks.

Croissants.
They're in the kitchen.

They're filled with something,
I forget what.

I guess we'll find out.Oh, how exciting.

Don't you find life
to be exciting?

What's that g*n
doing there?

That's not a g*n.
It's a camera.

It is too a g*n.A camera that looks like a g*n.

Give it to me.Relax, Mama. It's an empty g*n.

How do you know? I checked.

What is it doing there? Just being g*n-like,

g*n-esque, g*n-onic.

Where did it come from? God?

We were taking a trip
down memory lane.

I want it now.I'll put it away.

Marty! I'llput it away.

Mother,
you look so white.

Oh, Jackie.

If it happens again,
they'll put you away.

They'll just put you away.Only if someone finds out.

She must have family
somewhere.

What are you talking about? Lesly.

I'm not going to sh**t Lesly.Just don't.

That's all we need, is Marty
mooning over some dead girl.

She's leaving anyway.

When? This morning.

Why? I suggested it.

And she agreed? More or less.

Is Marty going with her? Don't be silly.

If he leaves again,
I'll implode. I'll just implode.

He's staying.

Well, where is she now? Packing, I imagine.

She's packing? As we speak.

What if she forgets
something?

We'll burn it.

Mmm.Yes, yes.

Mmm.

Mmm.

What? Wha...

Wait, you can't leave like this,
not in a storm.

I've got to get Marty
out of here.

Can I come?
I want to go to New York.

Well, uh, you can't
come with us.

Here, put everything back.
Don't leave.

How can you stay with him
when you know? You know.

I don't know.
I don't know.

We could go to Pennsylvania.
What's the name of your town?

You've never heard of it.But I want to hear of it.

Anthony, I'm not gonna go
to Pennsylvania with you.

I'm not going
to New York with you.

I'm not going to 7-Eleven
with you.

Stop smelling my clothes!

I will never love
another woman.

I will go to the desert,
and love only sand.

Sand? What does that mean?

You never go hungry
in the desert, Lesly.

You know why? Why?

Because of the sand
which is there.

Is it away? Yes.

Did you hide it? I put it somewhere.

But did you hide it? Mother!

Only in the sense
that I put it somewhere

and no one saw me
put it there.

If I walked into the room where you put the g*n,
could I see it?

No.Then it's hidden.

Don't worry, Mama, we won't
bloody the carpets.

You actually think
I'm worried about my carpets?

Aren't you?

A little.

I had to steam clean
last time,

and there's still
sort of a shadow.

Stop!

What are you doing? Stop! Get off!

Get off.

Stop!

My, you're up early.
Did you sleep all right?

Why are you wearing
that costume?

Everything else
was in the wash.

There's croissants
in the kitchen.

No pancakes today,
I'm afraid.

I have to talk to Marty.I wonder what about.

You were supposed to sneak
in my room last night.

Ah, I fell asleep.

Did you? No. He stayed up.

By yourself? With me.

Uh, the hurricane took
the Kennedys' stables.

The horses got loose.

The Secret Service
were all over the place.

I didn't hear any horses.

What jumped over the moon,
a cow or a horse?

A cow.Oh.

What's the rest of it?
Uh, I know silverware was involved.

Hey, diddle, diddle...

Lesly, you're up.
I see you're all packed.

Yes.I'll call you a cab.

I don't need a cab.

How are you getting
to the station?

I'm going with Marty.

Marty's going to drive you? He's coming with me.

Oh...

I don't think so.He can decide for himself.

To make a decision,
a person needs all the facts,

and I don't think Marty
has all the facts.

Ah, Anthony. How did you sleep?
Did you sleep all right?

What? Lesly, did you sleep all right?

Yes, thank you.

Did Anthony sleep all right? Why don't you ask him?

Marty, why don't you ask
your brother how he slept?

Why?

Jackie, why don't you ask
your brother how he slept?

How'd you sleep, Marty? Your other brother.

How'd you sleep, Anthony?

What's going on?

Lesly stayed
with me last night.

Ha. A quaint Pennsylvania
prenuptial custom.

Well, I am shocked. Young lady,
what do you have to say for yourself?

Call me old-fashioned,
but I'd say the wedding's off.

It's just as well.
I always cry at weddings.

I even cried at mine.
Must have had a premonition.

Mmm.

Get out.That's right.

Anthony, take this harlot
to the train station.

Get out!

Jackie? Jackie?

If you really cared for her,

you wouldn't have
brought her here.

I wanted to come here.

And you did... come.

Or didn't you? Don't.

You don't deserve her.

How was he?

I can't tell you.

That good, huh?

It was his first time.

Yeah, right.

It wasn't?

What do you think?

Then why would he say it?

To get laid.

Well, I'm sorry, but when
somebody says something,

I tend to think it's the truth.

It's just the way I am,
the way I was brought up.

And if somebody forgets
to mention something...

I wouldn't think to ask,
for example,

"Did you sleep
with your sister?"

Do you think masturbation
counts as infidelity?

What do you mean?

When I sleep with me and not you,
am I cheating on you?

Marty, stop it.

I came downstairs before.

Before when?

During it... the thing.

What thing?

The thing with the g*n...
and the costume.

Oh, God.

Warmer, warmer, warmer.

Colder. Colder...

What are you doing,
sweetheart?

He's going to leave again.Jackie, don't be insane.

I'm sorry, I mean...

Warmer, warmer, colder.

Jackie!

Colder.

Warmer, warmer.

Colder, colder,
colder, colder.

Colder, colder, colder,
colder, colder, colder!

Anthony!

Anthony, get your sister her medication.
You know where it is.

No, Anthony, don't bother.

I'm fine... really.

I just got turned around
for a second there.

Everything's going to be OK.
I know that. Silly me.

I just haven't had
my coffee yet.

I haven't even gone
to the bathroom.

Mama, will you make us
some coffee?

Of course, of course.

I'm fine.

Do you want me to leave?

You got to help me.How?

Just talk me back.

Tell me about Sundays,

what you and I would do
on a Sunday.

We'd get up... Right, right.

We'd get up.

What about the alarm?
Did the alarm go off?

No. No alarm, baby.
It's Sunday.

Oh. Oh, yeah, it's Sunday.

And we don't wake up
till after 11:00.

And I pull the comforter
over your shoulder.

I grab your hand and I pull you down onto me.

You have little rings.
You have mascara rings like a football player.

Mmm. And you have bad breath,
but I kiss you anyway.

I watch you dress.

I feel sad when
you buckle your bra.

"There they go," I think.
"There they go."

Lose my other shoe.I find your other shoe.

We read menus
in the windows on Avenue A.

Then we go to Noel's Café, and I forget what eggs
Florentine is.

Like Benedict with spinach.

The waitress says,
"Toast or pita?"

"Toast or pita?"

Oh, what about the newspaper?
We forgot the newspaper.

Newspaper comes later.
We go to Central Park and you buy me some tulips.

Pink. And I buy you a scarf.

Blue. And the Sunday paper.

We go home.

It's late afternoon,
and the sign comes on.

"Jesus Saves."Across the street.

"Jesús salva."

We run a bath.
You wash my back.

Shoulders like wings.

Bird shoulders.

We make love.

Then we make coffee
and sit and read the paper.

Marty.

No.

Mmm.

Marty, I want you
to leave with me.

I want you to leave
with me right now.

Yes. All right, yes.

Who was that?

I just flushed your car keys
down the toilet.

Marty, give me your keys.I don't have them.

Where's your extra set? In my room...

Get them.at home in New York.

I'll call a cab.

The phone's dead! Don't look at me.

Marty's not gonna
stay here with you.

We are leaving for New York
this morning. I don't care how.

Anthony told me about you.
He told me what you did to that lizard.

Oh, Anthony,
not that old lizard story.

I know what else you did.

I know where the scar came from,

and I know why they sent you
to that hospital.

You're a regular Nancy Drew.You're making him crazy.

You want to make him crazy
like you?

Look at yourself.
Look at your clothes.

You're making fun of a woman
who lost her husband.

A man d*ed.
A man was m*rder*d.

A man who did something
for other people.

What have you ever done
for somebody else?

You really love Marty?

Think about what his life would
be like here in this house.

Your mom will die.
You'll be left alone.

You'll have babies with webbed feet
you'll have to bury out back in the yard.

My!

Where in the yard? LESLY: Where?

Where exactly in the yard?

Marty, where do you think we should
bury these babies with webbed feet?

Backyard's getting rather
crowded with corpses.

First Daddy's, now duck babies.

You k*lled your father? Not me, Mama.

My father left my mother.

Years ago, the day Kennedy
was sh*t.

He tried to leave, but Mama sh*t him.
We buried him by the central air.

They were installing
central air.

There was a hole in the ground,
but not for him,

for the air conditioner.
She's confused.

You're confused, Jackie.
He left Mama. He called a cab!

She covered him with her body.
She tried to keep him there.

Jackie Kennedy, not Mama.
Jackie Kennedy!

She tried to keep his head on,
but it was falling off.

Lesly, go get my suitcase.Lesly.

Sorry about all this.

Anthony, go get her pills!

Which pills? I don't know which pills!

One more time, Marty,
for old time's sake.

She's got a g*n.
Get the g*n!

Mama!

One more time, and
I'll give you the car keys.

I think it's the brown ones.
I'll get the brown ones.

Go!

One more time,
that's all I ask.

Then you can go back to
the land of the Donut Kings.

You be him?

Yes.

And I'll be her.

I'm him.

And I'm her.

Where are we now, Mrs. Kennedy?

I'm tired of this, Marty.

Do you want me to stop?

Yeah, stop it.

Stop it, Marty.

Stop it.