[upbeat music]
♪ Bionic lover ♪
Gobble, gobble.
This might just be
the only bird excited
to lose its neck today.
Can we do without the puns?
Well, yeah, but if today
wasn't Thanksgiving
then it wouldn't be a pun.
It's just a grammar thing.
Good point, Mr. Williams.
However...
I don't remember saying
that you could talk.
[groaning]
OK, that hurts.
Oh, wow.
So does divorce.
But you don't see me
crying about it, do you?
'Cause I'm taking
names today, son.
[groans]
Quick question, Molly,
he can't see us, can he?
[baby babbling]
I'm gonna need for you
to stop talking.
Now turn around
and show me your...
Pecans for the pie.
I don't know why you're
making that this year.
It wasn't that good.
Barbara, be nice
to your sister.
She's had a rough year.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh my God, it is jerk
turd central in here.
[Mom] So, Thanksgiving
in Hollywood, huh?
Which one of the
Avengers is bringing
the mound of cocaine
shaped like a turkey?
Sorry, to burst your
rude bubble
but it's just me,
Molly and the baby today.
I don't even wanna know
what goes on out there.
Nothing goes on.
We are eating turkey and
continuing the tradition,
no matter how small
the family is this year.
[clears throat]
Good for you, honey.
You know what they say,
you have to appreciate the
lesson in where you are
before you can move on.
And they also say
you're both better off
without assholes in your life.
That too.
God, it just feels so weird
not being with Maeve and
the kids on Thanksgiving.
Oh, give me a break.
Both of those kids need a
good smack in the mouth.
People don't hit their
children anymore.
- I don't know why.
- Well, they should.
[Mom] Why isn't the
pool heated?
'Cause it's December,
you spoiled little f*ck.
Go play on the ice.
Barbara, calm down.
It just felt nice to
have a family for once.
- Oh!
- What are we, the cat's ass?
No, you know what I
mean, my own family.
Listen, you know what,
if you want a family,
we could all be together,
you could marry Big Pauly
from down the street.
He always asks about you.
Yeah, if his name was
Big Pauline, then maybe.
[laughs]
Listen, how's Molly doing?
Oh, tell her, I just
saw Pluto Raiders and
- I absolutely loved her in it.
- We loved it!
- You fell asleep, Ma.
- I saw it too, we loved it.
No, no, I saw every bit of it.
Pluto Raiders.
How's she doing since
the husband left though?
Oh, my God, she is a real mess.
Molly, that does hurt.
Oh, yeah?
Have you ever pushed a 10
pound baby out of your vag*na?
- No.
- No, you don't have a vag*na?
Well, do you wanna push
one out of your assh*le?
- Huh?
- You ever shat yourself while bringing
a miracle into the world?
[Eden crying]
- Right.
- Yeah.
You know what, this dominatrix
thing was really stupid.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm really preoccupied
with Eden, and I just...
Oh, oh, oh, darling.
Honest, this thing
is so uncomfortable.
Well, then, babe, let's...
Let's get you out of it.
Yeah?
[Eden crying]
We only have about
a minute and a half.
Oh, that's plenty.
I hope you're joking.
Yeah.
Well...
♪ It's a coming of age in a
beautiful phase of Hollywood ♪
♪ Where every day is another
page from a picture book ♪
♪ Like a magazine full of
beauty queens misunderstood ♪
♪ We treat them so wrong ♪
♪ I'm getting sick
of the sound ♪
♪ The club is far too loud ♪
♪ So I'm out the door ♪
♪ I'm gonna hit the streets ♪
♪ Are you coming with me ♪
♪ I know you're
trying to score ♪
♪ It's such a beautiful night ♪
♪ There's like a
billion lights ♪
♪ You couldn't ask for more ♪
♪ Oh I'm moving on ♪
♪ 'Cause we don't wanna dance ♪
♪ We don't wanna get down ♪
♪ We don't wanna dance ♪
♪ We don't even wanna be out ♪
♪ It's such a crazy style ♪
♪ Really took a while
to be cool with us ♪
♪ 'Cause when you're 22 ♪
♪ And you're making moves
being out's a must ♪
♪ I'm getting out of the
scene like The Kennedys ♪
♪ From all the cameras ♪
♪ Yeah I'm moving on ♪
♪ 'Cause we don't wanna dance ♪
♪ We don't wanna get down ♪
♪ We don't wanna dance ♪
♪ We don't even wanna be out ♪
♪ We don't wanna dance ♪
♪ We don't wanna get down ♪
- [phone buzzing]
- [moaning]
[Molly] Hi, this is Molly.
Leave a message.
Hey. It's Thanksgiving already.
Yay.
I'm warning you now, I'm
gonna cry once an hour,
so you might need to cradle
me in the fetal position
while I shove a third
helping in my mouth.
Mmm. I wonder if I should
make two pies,
one for each of us.
I'm just so beyond thankful to
have you today, babe. Call me.
Excuse me. You're not allowed
to drink alcohol in here.
Oh, it's OK.
I brought this with me,
it's not one of yours.
Still, I'm sorry. I'm afraid
that doesn't make a difference.
Don't you have other things
you could be doing right now,
like making sure there
are enough turkeys today?
Or stopping the hipsters from buying
up all the hair product? Like...
Ma'am, if you take one more sip,
I'm gonna have to call security.
What's gonna happen?
Oh, no.
Strong, patriarchal male
pushing women around.
Oh, you want my uterus too?
Happy Thanksgiving, ma'am.
Happy Thanksgiving
to you, dickhead!
And thank you for saving me
from my feelings this holiday.
Oh!
Oh, it's Christmas already?
- Merry f*cking Christmas.
- No, hey.
Hey.
Stop trying to shove holiday
happiness down our throats!
Hey. No, stop!
Ma'am. Hey.
Too soon!
OK, breakfast is served.
Oh, my gosh,
this looks amazing.
What is it?
Mote Pillo.
I have this in Ecuador.
The kids in my charity make
this for me every time I go.
I love that you're
a philanthropist.
Honestly, it's the most
rewarding thing I've ever done.
Mmm.
This is delicious.
- Really?
- Mmm.
Oh, good. Yeah, you don't
have an omelet pan,
so I just so I just
used a regular one.
Although the kids in
Ecuador, they use a hot rock.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
You know, if you would have
asked me a few weeks ago
what I thought I'd be
doing for Thanksgiving
and what it would be like,
I would have said it
would have been just fine.
Maybe even a bit depressing.
Oh my god, yes.
I know. Darling, I know it's
only been a couple of weeks,
but I'm not afraid to
say I'm crazy about you,
and your son.
[phone ringing]
Hey. How's Ohio?
Dan's father got the shits,
so we had to stay home.
Oh, no.
Yeah, it was coming
out of both ends
and we didn't wanna risk
getting the kids sick,
so we're here.
How's your day going?
Getting ready for your
big plans with Abby?
Yep. I think we're gonna eat
tons of pie and watch a movie.
f*ck off.
That sounds incredible.
Can I come over?
[child] Hey, Mom,
look what I can do!
Think that's the best
choice you could be
making right now
with your life?
- [crashing]
- Oh, my god.
Listen to me, I've got
to get out of this place.
I'm going to die here.
Can I come over?
I mean, you must be going
through a lot of emotions today
and I'd like to help
you through them.
You know what, yeah,
we'd love to have you.
Why don't you come
by around two?
OK, great.
That's amazing.
I can't wait to see you.
I love you.
- I'll see you soon.
- Bye.
[babbling]
- [Jeff] You OK?
- Yeah.
I just promised Abby I'd
spend the day with her.
Well, I'm sure it's fine.
It's just a couple more people.
Well, it sounds like you
have a fun day planned.
That's cool.
I have a fun day planned too.
I'm gonna go out and
just do some things
and some stuff and some things.
- Jeff.
- Yes?
Would you like to
stay for dinner?
I would love to.
Oh my god.
- I just had a great idea.
- What?
You know what,
don't worry about it.
I need to make a phone call.
I'm gonna make Eden's first
Thanksgiving a phenomenal one.
[melodic music]
- [Abby] Hey.
- [Molly] Hey.
- [Abby] Oh my god.
- [Molly] Wow.
I know. I went a little
overboard today,
but you gotta fill
the void somehow.
Babe...
Oh, listen, I thought
I would roll the dice
and do the turkey in
the vertical roaster.
Heard it's amazing.
Sounds it. But I just wanted to
let you know that...
Darling, is this moisturizer
just for the face or is it...
Oh, hey!
This is Jeff.
Hey, Jeff, and...
little Jeff.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry.
Oh, no big deal.
I have one just like
it in my top drawer.
Except mine's bigger.
[laughs]
Darling, I'm going to
go back to the hotel,
grab some stuff and then
I'll come straight back.
Abby, it was lovely
to meet you.
I will see you later
for dinner?
Oh, is that the plan?
That is the plan, Stan.
Do we need anything?
Nope. Just you.
Butter. We're gonna need
a lot more butter.
Just me and butter.
Got it.
I like the sound of that.
[scoffs]
Abby, wait.
I'm sorry.
I know we said that we...
What's going on?
Who is that?
Jeff. The guy I met in London on
the press tour for Pluto Raiders.
He's a philanthropist.
Why is he here?
Well, he says he's
here with his charity,
but I think he's
actually here for me.
Babe, I told you about him.
Yeah, well, you didn't tell me
he was gonna be spending
Thanksgiving with us.
Well, it just kind of happened.
And I invited
Lauren and Dan too.
- What?
- What? Their plans fell through.
Well, I didn't know
you were turning this
into like a whole thing.
I can't believe you're
seeing someone already.
Don't you think it's a
little quick to move on?
No.
I don't believe in grieving.
OK, well, some people would call
it processing, but whatever.
Babe, you and Maeve
broke up in January...
January 19th, 11:11 a.m.
I know when we broke up.
It might be time to
let that go.
I prefer to hang on
and eat pie.
Which lines up perfectly
with the holiday
we agreed to spend together.
Well, maybe I don't
wanna spend the day
stuffing my face
with sugar and regret.
That's the whole point
of Thanksgiving, Molly!
Sugar and regret.
And football.
Well, I wanna celebrate.
What is there to celebrate?
Having Eden. The fact that I
survived my divorce.
You haven't even filed yet.
I've emotionally filed.
- Oh, that's the same.
- [sighs]
Well, it's great you
can separate yourself
from the past so
quickly like that,
but I don't know if I can.
Well, I'm just trying
to let go of the past
so I can enjoy the present.
What? Don't give me that enjoy
the present bullshit.
I am trying to enjoy
the present too.
Just not with Jeff and
his moisturized cock.
God, by this time last year,
Maeve and I would have
already taken a lavender bath
and read our poems
to each other.
[chuckles] OK.
Oh, what?
Why're you laughing?
Because the day after,
she wouldn't let you
out of the house 'cause
you gained a few pounds.
I know.
She was complicated.
That's a nice way
of putting it.
Look, you and I are
very different people,
and maybe you don't
quite understand
how powerful the connection
can be between two women.
Abby, you're not
the first person
to have dated a
woman after a man.
- Oprah did an episode on that
- Delivery.
like 10 years ago.
OK, great.
Well, good for Oprah.
You know what? Maybe I'll go
spend the day with her.
Yo. You order a photo booth?
What? No!
No.
No, I didn't.
Says for a Jeff.
He didn't leave a credit card
so you'll have to give me one.
Oh my god.
OK, you know what?
- I'm gonna go.
- What?
Look, you clearly have your own
idea about how today should go,
and it's not what we
talked about, at all.
And that's OK, but
it's also OK for me
to not wanna be here.
- Ab, wait.
- Don't worry about it.
Whoa.
Molly Erickson?
Yeah.
sh*t.
Now I know where you live.
Where do you want it?
Just put it in a corner
away from the house.
- I'll be right with you.
- You got it.
Why are you acting like
I've done something wrong?
I'm not. Let's not make a big
thing out of it. All right?
We had plans, Jeff showed up,
and those plans changed.
Forgive me if I don't
want to sit around
and eat my feelings
while you, Jeff,
Lauren and Dan all finger
each other under the table.
[courier] How do you
wanna pay for this?
Have fun.
Take lots of pictures.
[sighs]
Props include boxing themed
stuff, if you wanna punch anybody.
We got a gold flask for
any drinkers in the crew.
We got a sword for the
knight in shining armor.
- Gotta a boa for...
- I won't be needing that.
[laughing] My knight in shining
armor is divorcing me.
OK.
Photographer should
be here at...
It's OK, you know.
sh*t happens.
What am I supposed to do,
chain him to the f*cking bed?
He didn't wanna be here.
That's it. Go.
Get outta here.
The ring meant nothing. It's OK.
He left you after
Pluto Raiders?
I thought you were
great in that.
Thanks, but, you
know, let's be honest,
at the end of the
day I'm just another
Hollywood prettiot
who's running away
from explosions and
kissing the hot guy.
What? No way.
Your commitment in
that fight scene
is by far the best thing
I've ever seen you do.
Thank you.
You know we did over a
hundred takes of that.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey, were those real roosters?
[Molly] Oh, yeah.
- I knew it.
- Yeah.
You can't fake the real thing.
Oh, no, you really can't.
I'm sorry about your husband.
Oh, that's OK.
I'm not gonna cry about it.
I've got a great life that
I've worked my ass off for.
- That's great.
- Anyway, it's all good.
Sometimes you just
gotta take your tits out
and celebrate how far
you've come, right?
Please don't take
your tits out.
I'm married.
Did somebody say
take your tits out?
Hello. I'm Helen.
Mom, what are you doing here?
Wow. I can see where she
gets her beauty from.
[chuckles] And her talent.
OK. Just sign here and
you're all set.
Right.
Thank you.
I bet you his wife
doesn't satisfy him.
- So, do I get a big hug?
- Yeah, of course.
Just surprised to
see you is all.
Well, Michael's gone, so
I figured I could visit.
I know he was never
crazy about me.
You came all the way from
Sweden to tell me that?
Well, I had to.
You were crying on the
phone for 20 minutes.
When was I crying to you?
When Michael left.
That was two months ago.
Well, I had to gather
my things.
It took you two months
to gather your things?
I have a lot of things.
- Oh.
- So, will you go get my bags?
They're in the car.
And, I'll go to my room.
I'm so tired.
m*therf*cker.
Why don't you call your
Aunt Tess and your Uncle Al?
They live in Yorba Linda.
That isn't too far from you.
Ma, I'm not spending
Thanksgiving
with Aunt Tess and her moles.
I won't be able to eat.
Oh, just look the other way.
You can't look the other way.
They're like right
there in your face.
They look like the stuffing.
I don't wanna look
the other way.
I'm tired of pretending.
It sounds like you're
having a shitty day, sis.
That I am.
Yeah, well, here it's
19 degrees
and the only fun I'm
gonna have is listening
to Aunt Anna tell
the story about
how she jerks off Uncle
Sal on the way to Florida.
Uncle Sal, you
wanna come say hi?
Hey, kiddo.
How you doing?
Hey, Happy Thanksgiving.
So I hear the ladies
aren't treating you so nice
out there, huh?
No, they're not, Uncle Sal.
And those lesbian dating
apps are the worst.
You need a nice Italian man.
Oh my...
Wrap his arms around you
and sing you some songs.
Melodies, beautiful,
nice and romantic.
The last Italian man I dated
threw a bottle at
my head, Uncle Sal.
That ain't nothin'.
It's like how we
say we need to talk.
[Mom] Come here and say
hi to Abby, everybody.
[Barbara] Wait, does
that mean...
Listen, she's not happy and
she's tired of pretending.
Aw, Bunny, you lonely?
No, no, no, I'm good.
I'm good, Aunt Anna.
You know sometimes that
relentless sunshine,
it can make you
feel real lonely.
You want me to tell
you your fortune?
I'll tell ya if you're lonely.
Oh, Bunny, you're very lonely.
I'm not...
I mean I'm alone in this room.
You know they say in Hollywood,
if you want a friend,
you should get a dog.
Oh, is that what they say?
- Yeah.
- They say that?
I don't, I can't have a dog
in this building, Aunt Anna.
- Why are you getting up my ass?
- I'm not!
I'm trying to tell
her she's lonely!
- We know she's lonely.
- Barb!
[Anna] I'm not gonna
have it with you today!
Please don't get upset.
We haven't even...
Get an abandoned dog,
because they will
- love you forever.
- That's true.
- Unlike this f*cking family.
- Remember Monkey?
- That little dog we had?
- Oh my god.
Guys, I'm still here.
I'm on the phone.
- Can you just...
- I gotta work on dinner.
I love you.
- You look a little pale.
- Oh my god.
- She does look pale.
- But I love you.
- She doesn't it's the camera.
- And I like your hair.
- We all love your hair.
- Doesn't it? She looks good.
She looks really good,
and by...
OK, I'll just text you later.
So, this is what I'm
dealing with, OK?
And I'll text you.
You shoulda come home.
You know what?
- I'm gonna say this just once.
- You shoulda come home.
Just today, Ma.
Ma's right.
You shoulda just come home, Ab.
[melancholic music]
♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ Making love on a hill ♪
♪ At the top of Topanga ♪
♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ A handful of pills ♪
♪ On a midnight adventure ♪
♪ I do ♪
♪ I do ♪
Look, I am sorry
I surprised you.
But I didn't think you
would say yes if I asked.
Oh, well, it'd be nice
to have the option.
So I am a horrible mother
because I come to visit you.
I never said you were
a horrible mother.
sh*t.
What is it?
Lauren invited someone
for Abby.
And my agent Rick.
And Claire f*cking Bortles.
Good. You need to have your
friends around you.
Where's Abby?
She was here earlier but
we got in a weird argument
because I invited Jeff.
Why shouldn't you invite Jeff?
He's your lover.
Can you not say it like that?
That grosses me out.
Abby's really not coming?
No. I think she'd rather
spend the day with Oprah.
That's that?
Yeah, it is.
[Eden crying]
- Where are you going?
- To get her.
She shouldn't be alone today.
Leave the baby with me.
I've done this before,
you know.
I know. That's why I'm
bringing him with me.
Hi.
Just promise me I don't
have to look at Jeff's balls
while I'm eating my turkey.
- I can make that promise.
- Great.
The day's looking
better already.
Hi, Eden.
[Helen] Molly, bring
back some vodka.
Is that Helen?
- Ooh.
- Surprise visit.
Oh, fun.
[upbeat music]
I'm excited to
meet your friends.
- [Rick] Knock, knock, knock!
- Hey!
- Ah, hey!
- Hey, hey, hey.
- How are you?
- Wow!
Good, hi.
You look incredible.
I feel like I have
to come close.
- It's so incredible.
- Thank you.
After all of that
damage and awful sh*t
that your ex-husband
did to you. What a turd.
- What a walking turd.
- It's all OK.
It's all good.
- I'm good.
- You look incredible.
Hi, by the way, I'm Jeff.
- I'm the new boyfriend.
- Great, I'm Rick.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Ooh, ow, Jeff.
- Brianne.
- Oh, lovely.
Is that short for like Richard?
It's just Rick.
- [Jeff] It's just Rick.
- It's just Rick.
Yeah.
No, Richard's a totally
different name, you goof.
[Jeff] Oh, yeah.
I don't know how they do it
across the pond over there.
- Old goofy town.
- Yeah, yeah.
How hot is my wife?
I mean, come on, do you
wanna poke her, or what?
- Jeff?
- You look wonderful.
[nonsensical mumbling]
Oh, Abby's in the
kitchen making the gravy.
Yeah. Why don't you go in
and say hi.
I'm gonna drink it.
I'm gonna drink it.
I love gravy.
Not all of it.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Gus. Wow.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I wasn't expecting you.
- Oh, yeah. Lauren texted me.
- Great, OK.
I'm glad she did
because you know what?
This time of the year's
always really hard for me,
'cause I hate my family.
My father's a narcissist and
my brother sells Herbalife.
My other brother,
he's still missing.
He's still missing?
- Hi!
- Hi.
- I'm Helen.
- Are we kissing?
[laughing]
Who's this?
- My mother.
- Oh, your mother.
Oh, it's a baby.
I'm gonna walk
away from the baby.
You know what, Abby
is in the kitchen,
so why don't you put
the food in the kitchen.
And Mom, why are you
holding him like a handbag?
Oh, why don't you relax?
I used to hold you under
my arm like a newspaper
and you turned out OK-ish.
OK, can I have him, please?
No, no, he's fine.
I have him under control.
I would just like to hold
my child, that's all.
Oh. All right, fine.
Hi.
But after, I am going to
be on babysitting duty.
I want you to have
the whole day off.
OK.
You want a little bit?
No, we're not gonna
have a little bit.
- Mom.
- Oh, later.
Yeah, OK, when's
he's like 18.
- OK.
- Wow, OK.
Yeah, are you good?
- Ready?
- Yeah.
All right.
Let's do this.
Guys. Hey, guys.
Guys!
If you don't sign the wall
with the dish you brought
and the cook time,
there's no guarantee
it'll make the table.
All right?
Just help me out.
Yeah, help her out, people.
This is serious.
It is serious, even
though Molly isn't.
Vegan green bean casserole.
Oh, great.
30 minutes before?
Yeah, give or take.
I love you yelling
at your friends.
What's your sign?
- Pisces.
- Oh, nice.
What sign are you?
I'm a triple Capricorn.
Masochist denim daddy
looking for a partner
with softness and kindness and
an interest in mutual pain.
Talking to wizards,
fairies and warlocks
is obviously a plus.
A dream date would be a dungeon
followed by a sound bath.
And intense, intense,
intense cuddling.
I just, I'm just not...
I'm just not ready to
get back out there.
You know what I mean?
I'm just very closed off.
Very damaged inside.
Oh, I totally understand that.
Look, the only c-word
you're gonna hear from me
is consent.
Absolutely.
Yeah. Where's the bathroom?
It's through there.
Great. I gotta adjust.
- Thanks.
- Cool. OK.
You're very pretty.
You're looking good.
[inaudible mumbling]
We've been married for
a month and a half.
Oh, amazing.
We met four months ago and
married a month and a half.
Oh, that's incredible.
I'm quick to pull
the trigger, kid.
Yeah, that's fast.
Yeah you see tits like that
and you're like gotta have 'em,
gotta get 'em, gotta keep 'em.
Yeah.
And in Sweden, in Europe,
we always put a little wine,
you put it on the gums.
Did you hear that?
His brother's missing.
Seven years.
He hasn't seen him.
Yeah, no, I didn't hear that.
That's sad though.
When he went missing,
did he have his cell?
No, he...
Apparently he was
naked at first.
- Right.
- Yeah.
What was the context when he
went missing if he was naked?
Well, he was at Costco.
They asked if he wanted
to sample some body scrub,
but he just stripped down.
He was off his meds.
I should have
prefaced it with that.
- He's on a lot of meds.
- OK, right, yeah, yeah.
And they were still figuring
out which ones work.
From there to seven years
from now, it's all muddy.
- Wow.
- They did find a sweatshirt.
- OK.
- In Seattle.
I love Seattle.
Oh, guys, dinner's
gonna be at five,
which is a ways
away, it's only 2:15,
so just feel free to
like leave this area,
mingle, go on a
walkabout, whatever.
In other words,
get the f*ck out.
Pretty much.
In a nice...
These sweet potatoes
need just 17 minutes
and then they need to be
basted every other minute.
- Well, that's not happening.
- You go enjoy yourself.
- Hey, you!
- [Molly] Yeah?
Did you invite the lesbian
with the casserole for me?
How do you know she's
a lesbian?
Oh, man, I don't know.
- She has a chain wallet.
- Maybe I did.
Maybe Lauren did.
Who cares?
She knows you're single.
That's all I'm saying.
OK, well, I'm not single.
I'm broken.
So, pick up the pieces and
put yourself back together
because Lauren may or may
not have invited a few more.
Oh, great.
- OK, also...
- What?
I refuse to sit next to Botox
face on a holiday, OK?
Why isn't she with her other
Botox faces on Thanksgiving,
like eating turkey through
a tube or something?
Just look at your
phone and pretend to be
deep in thought or something.
I'm not gonna pretend today.
OK?
[nonsensical mumbling]
Come on!
So smooth.
Oh, who is this?
I'm Helen.
The perfect family's here.
Great.
Oh, trust me,
they're not perfect.
Well, they always get
through their problems,
and then go off to Hawaii
to hike and bone each other.
They're infuriating.
- Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Hi, cutie.
I was just saying how
annoying you guys are
'cause you always get
through your problems.
Oh, all you have to do
is listen to each other
and go everywhere with a
giant bottle of whiskey.
- Or two.
- She is raring to go today.
I'm on kid duty.
Like we said, Christmas
you can have your fun.
Today is all mine.
Hey, how are you?
This is my kids.
So, how's the Brit?
- Really big... heart.
- Oh.
Massive...
OK.
Heart, you what I mean?
That's not where your heart is.
Photo!
Everybody together.
[Abby] OK. Oh!
Good idea.
- Oh, hi.
- Let me get Eden.
Stay right here.
All right!
- Smile!
- Cheese.
Good, one more.
Oh, we should totally do
this in the photo booth.
- Later, maybe.
- Oh.
What good is this photo
without you in it, Helen?
Come on.
Am I right?
- [Helen] You made it!
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You guys want a drink?
- Isn't that...
- [Abby] Yeah.
[Molly] Yes, it is.
He looks even better in person.
It's kind of a bold move
inviting him and Jeff.
I didn't invite him, but
I bet you I know who did.
I checked in on my Facebook
and he messaged me,
so I had to invite him.
Wow.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I cannot believe her
mom has kept in touch
her with her ex-boyfriend.
Who's this little guy?
That your son?
- Yeah, yeah, it is.
- He's beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Congrats.
Hey, I was sorry to
hear about Martin.
Michael?
Oh, really?
No, not really. I thought he
was kind of a douche.
Well, you would know.
Hey, there.
- I know you.
- Hey.
I used to watch your
show all the time.
Thanks so much.
Watching you out there in the
world living your best life.
- Yeah.
- Big old muscles.
- Taking names.
- OK.
I'm gonna apologize
for my wife in advance.
No problem.
[speaking in foreign language]
Everything OK?
Yeah, fine.
We'll be right back.
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Why would you invite
him without asking me?
Oh, you two were
so good together.
He was almost as bad
as Michael.
Well, he made a mistake.
He cheated on me!
You were two young
Hollywood actors.
Who wouldn't cheat
in that situation?
I wouldn't.
I didn't.
Well, you were always
weird that way.
Oh, OK. Coming from someone
who's on her fifth husband.
Variety is the spice of life.
And I like spicy.
Don't you think it would
have been courteous
to let me know
that he was coming?
I tried to, but Jeff
was always around and,
oh, and then I
had to freshen up.
I had to pick out my shoes.
And you were with the
baby, blah, blah, blah.
- And here we are.
- OK, well you know what?
We've had a lot of
blah, blah, blah,
and here we are over the years.
Can we just keep them
to a minimum today?
Then we are in agreement.
I was only thinking about
my grandson's future.
Well, so am I.
And I am very proud
of you for that.
Wow, I don't think I've ever
heard you say those words.
Especially not in
a row like that.
Oh, I am serious.
You got right back
on that horse.
And that shows that
you had strength.
Remember after Ed,
who would have thought
that I would meet Silverio
the very next week?
You went on a singles cruise.
Well, even so.
OK, look, Mom, I
really like Jeff, OK?
[Helen] And he satisfies
you and everything?
- Yes.
- And you are lubricated?
Oh, god. You know what, I am not
having this conversation with you.
Some women, you know, they're
like a desert down there
after they've had a child.
Not me, of course.
But, if that is the case,
you use coconut oil.
Oh, coconut oil.
I should use coconut oil.
Great.
Darling, you're so tense.
You need a drink.
Come on.
Mm-hm.
♪ Come on over to my house ♪
♪ And let's have some fun ♪
♪ Gonna have a house party ♪
Shark att*ck.
♪ Gonna have a house party ♪
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
[glasses clinking]
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, when did you take these?
When you were
doing sh*ts, Mommy.
- Oh, OK.
- I'm hungry.
- Oh, sweetheart.
- Me too.
Yeah.
Well, you know,
we're gonna eat soon.
I'd tell you to go check, but I think Aunt
Abby would kick you out of the kitchen.
You wanna play for
a little bit longer,
and then we'll go together?
- Yeah!
- All right, have fun, bye.
[Gus] Sweet.
You two want to have kids?
No... Maybe.
We don't know.
We're not sure.
[Brianne] I want a
whole horde of them.
I really do.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
She's found religion again,
so she's been doing
this whole praise thing.
I'm not religious.
It's for the holiday.
[inaudible mumbling]
Sweat much?
[inaudible mumbling]
Oh, sit home.
[inaudible mumbling]
Cinnamon.
- Very specific type.
- I know.
I know.
She's, look, I mean,
- she's got a good heart.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, have you met
my boyfriend Jeff?
Boyfriend. No.
Hi, how you doing?
I'm Jeff.
Nice to meet you, dude.
Yeah, you too.
How do you guys
know each other?
- I'm her ex-boyfriend.
- Old friend.
- Oh.
- Cool. Cool, cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, so I don't need to tell you
just how thankful I
am for this one today.
- This one?
- Nah.
[Molly] Oh, please.
- Best thing you ever lost.
- Kinda gross.
Really?
- I don't know about that.
- Yeah.
I think you probably cried yourself
to sleep for a year after that.
I had allergies that
are insane.
- You know that.
- Maybe still do.
You were the one that
was crying a lot.
- Really, allergies?
- Yeah, allergies.
- Sorry, bro.
- Yeah, that's cool, dude.
Listen, why don't I
let you guys catch up?
- [Gunnar] That'd be great.
- OK.
Yeah, yeah. I'm comfortable
enough with myself to do that.
Oh, and plus I bought
some fish.
I was gonna make fresh
ceviche with lemon and capers.
- Capers?
- You gonna make that for me?
All for you.
- I love ceviche.
- Aw.
I know. I saw it on your
Instagram profile.
Ooh, stalker.
And I am going to stalk
every inch of you.
That's weird.
OK.
Good to meet you, dude.
You too, Jeff.
What?
You don't get to say anything.
He is adorable.
Does he make you a
scone in the morning?
[scoffs]
He is a lovely human being.
I bet he is.
So you kept in touch
with Helen, huh?
Yeah, Helen's the best.
And I'm glad I did because
it's really great to see you.
Yeah, well, it's
good to see you too.
I have to admit,
it's a bit weird.
You know what,
it's a lot weird.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we can say that.
- OK.
- OK.
Hey, you ever hear
that old quote?
To be old and wise, you
gotta be young and stupid.
Nope, never heard it.
Yeah, it's a good one.
And how's that working
out for you, old man?
I'll let you know
in the morning.
Oh.
Oh... OK.
- Like that.
- That's bold.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
- You might wanna just cool that off a little.
- OK.
- Just have a dip in the pool.
- Sure.
- Yeah, chill out.
- You gonna join me?
- A little skinny dip?
- [Molly] Nope.
♪ Gonna have a house party ♪
♪ Gonna have a house party ♪
♪ Gonna have a house party ♪
30, flirty and what?
Dirty.
You.
Into Palo-Santo wood,
watching sex trafficking
documentaries,
and piss play. Me.
A Chapstick lesbian
DJ with a pickup,
into playful punching,
femmes that scratch,
and sharing dessert.
You know, you seem
really great, but,
dirt really makes me
anxious, you know?
We'll talk about it later.
- All right.
- See you outside.
Not if I see you first outside.
- Oh.
- Oh, hello.
- Sorry.
- [crying]
- Oh.
- Oh.
I got the stuff, thanks.
Oh, no, I was just coming in
to make Molly some ceviche.
I understand, but I have
zero time for debate on this.
Not looking to debate.
I just don't wanna
get lemon on my shirt.
But you can just
take off your shirt.
OK?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm just checking in
on the little guy.
[Abby] Aw, that's so sweet.
- Yeah.
- So tiny.
Yeah.
- And so cute.
- Mm.
She has to keep him
alive the whole time?
Yeah, Abby, that's
pretty much the deal.
But how does that even work?
Like, what if one of these
little f*cking pom-poms
falls into his mouth
while he's sleeping,
you know what I mean?
Or like the window's
open and it blows
like a wasp in or something?
Did you see My Girl?
Or like what if...
Didn't I read a thing
where you have to
put them on their
backs to go to sleep?
Like what if he throws up and-
OK.
He's gonna be all right.
I am not so sure
about you, but...
Oh, yeah.
I don't know.
Molly knows what he needs.
She knows what she needs too.
Yeah, well, I think
some quiet time
and reflection is
what she needs.
I think a d*ck palate
cleanse is what she needs.
I think you might be
talking about yourself.
I think you might be right.
Thank god you guys are in here.
Hey, why is Jeff topless?
Oh, f...
Oh my god.
I was being facetious.
Wait, Jeff's topless?
[Molly] Mm-hm.
I miss everything.
Well, you're not missing much.
- I mean...
- That's like the statue of David in there.
OK.
Coming on a little
strong, aren't you, Jeff?
And we haven't even
had our appetizers yet.
Oh, no. I just didn't wanna
mess up my shirt.
Right.
And I'm wearing underwear.
So, tell me about this
philanthropy of yours.
It sounds fascinating.
Oh, yeah.
Well, can I be honest?
[Helen] Oh, please.
Do what I find really
fascinating, Helen?
No, what?
How truly amazing I
think your daughter is.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's great.
And look, I want you to know,
I'm going to do whatever
it takes to make her happy
in every way I can.
Like physically and
emotionally, spiritually,
environmentally,
audibly, nutritionally.
Financially?
Yes.
Although, you should also know,
I don't really work in
the financial world.
Oh, well, no one
ever said you had to
work in the financial world.
Good. Yeah.
'Cause the truth is, I don't
really work with money.
- Oh, not at all?
- No.
And, what do you live on?
Good question.
Simple answer.
Philanthropy takes
care of my life.
Oh! And how does
philanthropy do that?
Well, when anyone ever donates
to one of my charities,
the charity then
floats me money.
- Floats?
- Mm-hmm.
Floats.
[laughing]
You know what, if guys
love a**l so much,
they should be
willing to get a**l.
- OK.
- That's never gonna happen.
No, you know actually,
Dan does like
a little something in his
butt every once in a while.
- Really?
- What?
You know, a little thumb action
while he's watching
Sports Center.
[laughing]
You know, I really
used to love it,
- but I was just too scared to ask Michael to do it.
- No.
I think I just felt like maybe
he would think I was dirty.
- Oh.
- Well, he was a tight-ass business d*ck
who looked good on paper.
Exactly. And that's why we're
not together anymore.
So, thank god for that.
- Mm-hmm.
- Guys.
I mean, I don't want
to be this friend...
- [Abby] What?
- But, we have a lot to be thankful for today.
Do we?
I mean, kids, and
families, husbands.
I have none of those things.
And friends.
I don't know about
husband, but friends.
Good friends.
- Fine.
- And...
These.
- What are those?
- Chocolate covered cherries?
They are definitely not
chocolate covered cherries.
They're shrooms.
- Oh my god.
- Oh, sh*t.
They're micro-doses.
I got them from Claire.
She's a shaman now.
- Claire Bortles?
- [Lauren] Yeah.
- Is a shaman now?
- Yeah, she just got certified.
From where? That doesn't make sense.
From where?
Just please tell me it
was an online class.
Anyway...
Who's in?
- Mmm?
- [Abby] You?
Maybe when the little one
goes down for the night.
All right.
No, there it is.
Come on, Abs.
Oh, god. I...
No.
You know what?
I'm gonna stay in
this dimension today
or I'll burn the cornbread.
- Oh come on.
- [Abby] It mustn't be b*rned.
Who cares about the cornbread?
I care about the cornbread.
[Molly] OK. OK.
I gotta tell you.
You guys used to be fun.
See you later.
See ya later.
See y'all the other
side, heifers.
Just hand me your bra
when you're ready.
This bra's coming
off in seconds.
Oh, I know it is.
They're like a prison for
your titties, I'm telling you.
Why do we even wear them?
- I mean...
- I hate them so much.
I don't, I just
let mine run free.
Yeah, but your breasts are
gonna be perky in the grave.
Mine are like...
[laughing]
♪ I ain't got no problems ♪
♪ That's for real ♪
♪ Got no drama ♪
Do you like basketball?
No, I don't like
balls of any kind.
Hear that.
Oh, you are...
You are gone.
Here we go, coming in hot.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Sorry.
- Hey, Molly.
Why don't you give the
baby monitor to Jeff?
Well, with the money he makes,
he's obviously going to
be a stay at home dad.
He might as well
get used to it.
How do how much money he makes?
I think it's obvious.
- Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
- Yeah.
I think you're pretty obvious.
How so?
Why'd you come here today?
- What?
- "What?"
Did you hear I was
going through a divorce
and you thought you'd swoop in?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Something like that.
Yeah, totally.
You're a little bit too late.
Yeah, you're telling me.
Wow.
Move fast.
Yeah, I do.
I'm having a good time.
Maybe there's more to life
than just having a good time.
Is there though?
That is rich coming from you.
Get outta here.
We all need to grow up
sometime.
Oh, OK.
And you've grown up?
Yeah, I have.
You can't tell?
- The beard.
- Not really.
Oh, you're a grown up.
Grown-ups get married
and they...
Yeah, they do.
Some of them do.
- And some of them get divorced.
- Is she OK?
I'm gonna go take some
pictures.
So that's me in a nutshell.
You're either into
it or you're not.
We might be too similar.
You, me in an
underground bunker.
32 year old aspiring
witch looking for someone
to follow the moon with as we
commit to civil disobedience,
plan a government coup and
survive the apocalypse.
Also... brunch.
Will always be the
first to say namaste,
unless you're a
greedy corporate pig,
then I'd drop kick
you and be on my way.
Have you tried the
green bean casserole?
Mm, I feel like there
might be pork in it.
These organic?
Maybe.
I love a woman that can cook.
I love a woman who loves
tomatoes 'cause they got...
Never mind.
See, you...
I'm terrible at...
I can't do it.
What time is it?
f*ck, these are
taking too long.
[Jeff] Huh?
[Abby] This is gonna
push everything back.
- These are taking too long.
- [phone ringing]
- We need to make space.
- There's a phone going here.
- Is this yours?
- What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Who is it?
- Barb.
Oh, God.
It's my sister.
Can you just play with this?
And rearrange some sh*t
so that heats up more.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Barb?
[Anna] When we hit the
Georgia state line,
I just give him a look.
I undo his belt buckle,
then he does his-
- What is happening?
- Barb?
[Anna] I say, "f*ck me, you
big greasy piece of Gabagool."
Oh, m*therf*cker.
Barb, you f*ck face!
[Anna] And I jerk him
off like a jackhammer.
Oh, my god.
[Anna] It's so f*cking...
All right,
well, I'm hanging up!
- You're welcome.
- f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you!
Yeah, it's more of a
lifestyle than anything else
and so...
Are you not even...
Are you looking...
Oh.
Sorry, I didn't want
to interrupt your view.
I think you're a fool if
you don't give him a chance.
[scoffs]
Well, if you won't
have him, I will.
This is, this is...
I wrote this.
You wrote this one?
Gunnar.
You want to dance?
[upbeat Latin music]
Of course.
Excuse me.
Oh...
Ooh.
Ready?
[laughing]
Ooh.
OK. I think I'm gonna go
check on the baby.
OK, this is done.
Yep. This too.
OK, so we need to get
out everything that's done
and then put those in and then
we gotta crank up the oven.
Will that not just
dry everything out?
Well, what other
option do we have?
[groaning]
Oh, God.
OK, nice.
Oh, god.
This is so much fun.
This is the Thanksgiving
of my dreams.
Hey, can you tell your
boyfriend to put a shirt on?
You tell him.
I'm gonna go check on the baby.
Oh, no, no, I wanna come.
Well, then get your
sexy booty upstairs.
You could come back
with a shirt on.
That'd be a cool thing to do.
[upbeat music]
♪ And then you hear
this sound ♪
[singing in Spanish]
♪ And then you hear
this sound ♪
- Abby.
- [groans]
Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh, Happy Thanksgiving, Claire.
Acai berry tart with a
gluten-free chia seed crust.
Mmm, yum.
Mmm.
I just came to see
if there's anything
- I can do to help.
- What's with the scarf?
Is your hair cold?
Oh, I forgot.
You're a shaman now.
I actually prefer
the term sha-woman.
Oh. OK.
Whatever, Claire.
You know, Abby, Molly told
me you're going through
- kind of a hard time, yeah?
- Mm.
I just wanna tell you
that I am at your service
all the time in
love and gratitude.
Oh!
[laughing]
What's funny?
Well, I mean, you know.
Come on.
Come on what?
Shamans are from Peru. OK?
Not San Bernardino.
What is this?
Oh, that's cold.
Big surprise.
f*ck.
Nothing is working.
Abby.
Things aren't really working.
It's good to sort of
notice that and hold it
in your heart and
just kind of absorb
what's that telling you?
Maybe it's you.
Oh, is that right?
[Molly] Hey, Claire.
Hi, babe.
How's it going?
Oh, hey.
Hey, hey.
Let me guess, you're hungry?
Yeah, actually.
- Yeah, I'm starving.
- Famished.
Do you know what she said to
me on New Year's Eve?
- Who?
- Maeve.
- Oh, sh*t.
- She's engaged, by the way.
Yeah. You know what she
said to me?
After we planned out
our whole year together,
which did not include Claire
on Thanksgiving, by the way.
She said, "I love you
to the moon and back."
Isn't that beautiful?
- That really is beautiful.
- OK, f*ck off, Claire.
Do what the actual distance
is between the moon and back?
Do you?
No, you don't.
Two and a half weeks.
And that's how much
longer we were together.
You'd think it'd be longer.
You'd think it would be longer.
But it's not.
And then you find yourself in
the kitchen on Thanksgiving
with everyone
breathing down your ass
about a meal you don't
f*cking care about anymore,
while fickle f*ck-o
Shamumu Claire
tells you to be thankful
your ex got engaged!
And it takes all your
might not to take
her shitty-looking purple
Los Angeles garbage pie
and punch it right
in her assh*le!
[sighs]
You know I think it might
actually be pretty hard
to punch a tart into
someone's assh*le.
You know what? You organized
this f*cking dinner, Molly.
This is your crazy house.
This whole thing is
your stupid idea.
You know what, f*ck you, Abby!
You f*cking f*ck-o!
'Cause I've dealt
with my anger issues.
Did you, dude?
- Huh?
- Claire.
I can't hear you
because you bounced.
- You know what?
- Like a little bitch.
All right? But I'm still here,
ready to go.
I think she's
probably gone, Claire.
I'm gonna ask that you don't
step to me in the future.
I think just, she's going
through a hard time.
Don't take it personally.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I forgot about the universe.
It's OK.
We all forget about
the universe sometimes.
Well, I think we
got this, right?
- We can figure this out.
- Yup.
- Yup.
- Totally.
- It's just food.
- Yeah, OK.
All right.
Let's... Jeff?
- Yeah?
- What's in here?
Figure what that is, what
needs to happen with that.
I'll just...
That's hot.
- You OK?
- This pie looks great.
- It really does.
- Thank you.
I would never shove
it up your ass.
[knocking at door]
- Yeah?
- [Lauren] Ab.
You know you can come in.
Hey. What's going on?
[sighs] Well, I haven't made out
with anyone yet this whole year
and she's engaged to a
f*cking daddy d*ke already?
Was I not man enough for her?
Oh, sweetheart.
Come here.
Wait. You haven't made out
with anyone all year?
- No.
- Yeah, is that bad?
- No.
- I mean, I can't just walk up to someone
on the street all...
You know, I'm just not ready.
Yeah.
OK, come here.
- OK.
- Oh, OK.
There you go.
Now you've made
out with someone.
What is that?
Lemongrass?
Mm.
I don't know.
Oh, that's good.
[upbeat music]
I had so much rage,
I had to do silent meditation
for about two years.
- Didn't say a word.
- Wow.
And I was shaking
for the first year.
Yeah, I gotta do it.
I had a couple of hemorrhoids
last year come back again.
You know, knock, knock,
hemorrhoids are back.
It's just 'cause my
anger's been bubbling up
and those things have
been bubbling out.
Does this look vegan to you?
No idea.
It doesn't smell vegan.
'Cause it smells good?
Yeah. So, maybe that's
a vegan gamble.
I'll put a little bow on it.
Yeah. All right, so basically
anything with a bow
or a cork in it
is a vegan gamble.
Anything with chopstick
in it is pure vegan,
and anything with some
almonds on top is vegetarian.
Everything else is delicious.
All right.
Dinner is served.
- Right on.
- OK.
Lauren!
All right, just put it...
- Oh, you got the...
- Hi.
Sorry, I'm just gonna
put this down here.
Huh, Rick's thick
sweet potatoes.
- Great.
- Molly?
- Yeah?
- Where do you want the turkey?
You can just put it here.
- It's a good spot.
- Is this good?
Yeah, here.
Got it?
[Jeff] Yeah. Yeah.
I love that.
I love that.
- Look at that.
- Where are you sitting?
I guess sort of
here so I can run
in and out of the kitchen,
yeah.
That's good.
- Oh!
- What else do we need?
Sorry, I was gonna...
There wasn't a good time, so
I was gonna give you these.
I made these for us to
just remember the day by.
That's you.
- That's me.
- Oh it's sweet.
I just wanted to be romantic.
But you, I mean,
it doesn't mean...
I mean, if you wanna frame them
you can do whatever you want.
- OK, thanks.
- That's it.
I didn't draw Eden.
I didn't think that... Yeah.
- They're for you.
- Thank you.
Hey, let's get some
liquor out here, huh?
Yeah.
Mommy.
Oh my god.
- Hi, Lilly.
- Oh!
Hey. Hey, hey, squirt.
What's going on?
Mommy, what are you doing?
Is dinner ready?
What are you doing?
I'm helping Aunt
Abby feel better.
What's wrong Aunt Abby?
Well, Lilly, I was sad,
but not anymore because
Mommy helped me so much.
Why were you sad?
Well, I just found out that
an ex-sweetheart of mine
is marrying a daddy dy...
- Person.
- Person.
And that made me very sad.
And so Mommy made
Aunt Abby feel better.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Because... Because kisses make
people feel better.
[Abby] Yes, they do.
They sure do.
What's going on?
Mommy was making Aunt
Abby feel better.
Oh, God. OK.
Oh, really?
And how was she doing that?
[kissing sounds]
Lilly, honey, why don't you
go sit with your brother?
I'll be there in a second.
- OK.
- OK.
Ladies.
- Well, well, well.
- [Abby] Dan, listen.
Listen to what?
- I am sorry.
- OK, yes you are.
Yet, yet we weren't
really making out at all.
Oh.
I mean, we were making
out a little bit,
but in a different...
Like she felt very safe to me.
My wife felt safe to you?
Can I just...
Can I talk to him for a second?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna leave you guys alone.
You're great.
I love you though.
- Well, we don't need...
- We're good, right?
We don't need no
more love from you.
All right?
You gave us enough love.
Who's gonna carve this turkey?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- [Rick] No?
- Do you...
Well, maybe Molly
should carve the turkey.
You know, in the
name of feminism.
Oh, that's sweet.
But I don't know how
to carve a turkey,
so, anyone go for it.
You know, I'd love
to carve the turkey.
- Is that OK?
- Yes.
Please.
I like a man who knows
how to handle his turkey.
Well then you should see
what I can do with my turkey.
- Right?
- Right.
Who's gonna lead
us in a blessing?
- I can.
- Yeah.
Bless that food for Jesus.
OK, so you pray and
I'll carve after that.
This will be a non-denominational
spiritual blessing.
This is so beautiful.
The people, the
temperature, the air.
Bless this lettuce.
This is such nice fresh,
probably from the farmer's market.
The green beans also...
Yeah.
Those are sweet.
They are in season.
Bless this vegetable medley.
I see baby carrots.
Hi, guys.
All my friends are in here.
Lima beans.
Mm, green peas.
Sorry, I'm having
a repressed memory.
Bless you guys and bless
all of us for being here.
I know a lot of us probably
come from broken families.
I do.
Thank you.
I have never spent
Thanksgiving with other people.
So thank you.
I feel really
blessed to be here,
and thank you so much,
hostess, and host.
[coughing]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jesus.
[Gunnar] Amen, all right.
[Rick] Amen to heaven above.
- [Gunnar] Here we go.
- [Rick] Let's eat.
Is it OK that we're starting
without the rest of the guys?
Yeah, it's OK.
Let's just enjoy it.
They'll be out in a minute.
We talked about this.
You said you didn't mind.
Well, I thought I
was gonna be there.
[Lauren] Well, we
didn't say that.
Well I definitely didn't think
our g*dd*mn daughter
was gonna be there.
Yeah, but she's like tiny.
What do you mean?
I can't wait until
she gets to school
and start making m*therf*ckers
feel better then.
Oh, come on now.
Don't be angry.
- Come on, Daddy.
- Look, man.
Don't. All right?
I'm upset.
I'm a little turned
on, but I'm upset.
Stop.
No, no.
[glass smashes]
Geez.
Oh!
[laughing]
OK. I'm obviously drunk.
And probably a few
other things.
I wanna talk about this
with you, I really do.
I wanna talk about
feelings and boundaries.
- OK.
- And feelings.
OK.
But right now...
- OK.
- I need to sit down.
[groaning]
[Dan] OK.
This ground is so hard.
This is motherfuckin'...
[Lauren] Oh, it's like made
out of stone or something.
- [slow melodic music]
- [sighs]
Oh, screw it.
How do you like me now, Claire?
I'll step to you all day.
[commentator] For the blitz
that he knows is coming.
And it is!
He's through!
He caught him mapping and now
it's another open field ahead.
35... 40...
What a block!
[indistinct chatter]
You just wait until Christmas.
I promise you. You bet your black ass
I'm gonna flip Christmas on its ass.
Yes, I am. That X in Christmas,
watch what I do with that X.
- Let's eat.
- Let's eat.
They say that salsa
is all in the hips,
but I think it is
in the pelvis.
Why don't you just say
genitals.
We all know that's
what you mean.
Well, if anyone at this
table has ever made love
to a man who can salsa,
they know exactly what
I'm talking about.
I know exactly what
you're talking about.
- [Helen] Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, I can't salsa, OK?
But I have never had any
complaints in that department.
None that you know of.
- Can someone pass the wine?
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, really.
- What do you mean?
Remember that real serious
face you used to make?
Oh, come on.
That's how I knew
you were connecting.
Hey, Brianne, would you
mind passing the wine?
At least he looked
you in the eye.
Oh, why? You've had a lot
of guys who don't
look you in the eye, Helen?
Honey, I was sexually
active in the 70s.
You were lucky if they
even asked back then.
[laughing]
Are you talking about r*pe?
Abby, have a drink.
I would love to, if
someone would just
pass the f*cking wine
over here.
Well, thank you, Helen.
And, by the way,
I would have asked.
You wouldn't have had to.
- Oh, is that right?
- Ooh!
- You want some turkey?
- Oh, yeah!
- [grunting]
- [laughing]
Should we leave you two alone?
We were just playing around.
We're having fun.
Yeah.
I think you forgot
how to do that.
Excuse me, I think I am
throwing a party here, am I not?
Well, why don't you
act like it, hmm?
How am I not acting like it?
You're on baby duty.
I totally get it.
- Thank you.
- Not today you don't.
I'm on baby duty, remember?
Let's f*cking party!
[cheering]
[Rick] All right, here we go!
You know, I gotta
tell you, Helen,
you're a g*dd*mn blast.
You guys, I mean, let...
To Helen, and all that
skin she's showing.
Hey!
To me being a g*dd*mn blast!
Oh, yes.
sh*ts, party. Vegas.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Right on.
[Claire] Oh, you know
what we should do.
Mmm?
Everyone at the
table should just say
15 reasons they are thankful.
What are you grateful for?
- Oh, sh*t, he's awake.
- [Eden crying]
Ooh, I got him.
I'll take care of him.
No, it's all right.
I got it.
Or are you just dying
to get out of here?
Yeah, a little bit.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
Go back to your very
Vegas Thanksgiving.
I think Helen's gonna
be topless soon,
you don't want to miss that.
All right, I'll go first.
I'm thankful for meeting Molly,
because without that
I would have never met
you beautiful human beings.
So, thank you, Molly.
[Helen] Molly.
That's wonderful.
I'll go. Um... I myself am
thankful for Ayahuasca.
I was able to do it about
nine or 10 times this year,
and each time was a revelation.
It's deep.
It's emotional.
- Well...
- I wasn't done.
- Oh...
- It's also, it's weirdly intellectual.
'Cause you get in your head
and you start
thinking about things.
Click, click,
click, click, click.
Different ways.
And that's it.
That's great.
I am thankful for my
Cross-Fit gym taking off
and f*cking k*lling
it this year.
And also that I get
to stick my wein
in the hottest chick
in Tustin, California.
[chuckling]
I am thankful for Christmas.
OK, nobody knows what
you're talking about.
Nobody knows what
you're talking about.
- No, I get it.
- [Lauren] Sorry, you guys.
No, it's like a month away.
It's just awareness.
I'm thankful for it too.
They are k*lling it today.
A yummy?
Yummy!
That good?
I made it myself.
You like my pie.
Mm-hmm.
- Skal!
- Skal!
- Skal!
- School?
- Skal.
- Skal.
What the hell?
I love you.
OK, I love you too.
- You done?
- Yup.
- Yeah.
- All right, 'cause Mama's high.
I need some lovin' right now.
[Dan] OK, I got you, baby.
I got you.
I need some ice cream.
I'm gonna get you
some ice cream.
Imma get you some ice cream.
[Lauren] All right, sweetheart.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Everyone can get love ♪
♪ Everyone can get laid ♪
♪ You know you're up when
you find the ones who stay ♪
I feel like when I'm there it's
like I'm following the moon.
It's like that's how
I feel when I'm there.
Well, we're always
following the moon,
'cause like we're
made of water.
And the moon is what
controls the tides.
So you don't even have to
try to follow the moon.
It's just leading us around.
I can't believe
that you know that.
I love how big your hands are.
Oh my gosh.
They are pretty big, huh?
Yeah, but it's so powerful.
[Fairies] Abby.
Abby.
- Abby.
- Yo!
- Abby.
- Abby.
Whoa.
Who are you guys?
You can't tell?
We're your Fairy Gay Mothers.
Fairy Gay Mothers?
Yeah. All the newbies get one.
Oh.
Thanks, but I'm not a newbie.
I've slept with over two women.
Well...
- Two, wow.
- A lesbian lothario.
Hmm. I like you guys.
So you're in your
teenage lesbian years.
We know how awkward
that can be.
Especially in your 30s.
Most people have
houses by then.
Yeah, I'm content just
to have boobs in my bed.
Oh, that never goes away.
- Boobs are the best.
- We love that.
So you fell in love
with a woman
who locked you in
a closet at a party
because she didn't like
what you were wearing?
Routine.
Par for the course.
If I had a tool belt for
every time that happened.
And you stayed with her
because you loved her?
Stayed with her because
she felt like home.
Baby girl, you're the
home you're looking for.
You just have to
invite others in.
It doesn't matter if those
others are butch, femme.
A stone top, a cold bottom.
A dirty Carla, a clean Carla.
A deep sea diver.
A clam digger.
Daddy d*ke.
Mommy d*ke.
- Baby d*ke.
- A rug doctor.
- A DJ.
- A European bush woman.
- A spitting yak.
- A c**t runt.
- [Fairy 2] A dumpster butt.
- [Fairy 3] A p*ssy pioneer.
With a covered wagon.
And that home you've
been looking for,
it was inside you all along.
It was?
Well, I mean,
the 'shrooms helped.
I mean, come on.
You're pretty f*cked up.
Ha!
All you have to do
is knock your
wingtip oxfords
together three times,
- and say...
- There's no place...
- Like home.
- Depot.
- There's no place...
- Like home.
Depot.
- There's no place...
- Like home.
Depot.
There's no place
like Home Depot.
There's no place
like Home Depot.
There's no place
like Home Depot.
[upbeat music]
And you were close
to your brother?
Mm-hm.
And what's funny is
the day he went missing
is the day I started
to find myself.
Wow.
And, yeah, do I want
him to come back?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- And also no.
The last word we got from...
[Claire] You just
kind of know vo...
...cabulary.
Oh my god.
So sorry.
Claire.
Sha-woman.
Sha-woman Claire.
Listen. Hi.
Hi, come on in.
Hi, hi, hi.
Listen, I have to
say, I am so sorry.
My outburst earlier
was not cool.
Had a little bit of an epiphany
and I realized
that I was wrong.
I'm sorry.
I respect your...
This.
I love this for you.
Abby, you should never,
ever apologize for being,
just being simply
where you are.
Mm-hm.
Which is...
- right here.
- Right here.
Hey.
Where the miracles happen.
I'm just saying your
timing is interesting.
What is so interesting
about wanting
to spend time with my
daughter and my grandson?
Where's Silverio?
At home. Why?
Why isn't he here with you?
You're in trouble
again, aren't you?
Well, just because
I'm getting a divorce
doesn't mean that
I am in trouble.
Oh!
It just means that I no longer
want to drive around Europe
- on a food truck.
- Bingo.
I knew it.
I knew you weren't here for us.
Your feet are getting big.
Yeah, they are.
You have bigger feet.
- Ooh!
- Mom!
[Dan] Whoa, whoa, not too
close to mommy's face.
Are you able to do...
[Dan] Watch yourself.
Does she make it?
[Eden crying]
Hey, little man.
What's going on?
Oh, you sad?
Oh, Eden.
Oh, yeah.
Society's gonna try
to make you conform
to all of its crazy
messed up standards
because society is
up women's asses.
I mean, society is just
up inside our assholes.
Don't be sad.
Hey, hey, hey.
Look... Look.
Eden.
Eden, smile.
Telling us what to
do and what to think
and how to be and what to say
and how come your nails
aren't long enough
and how come your
head isn't laid down
and your hair ain't there,
but let me tell you
something right now.
You live your life
the way you want to.
And you're a strong
Black woman.
And don't take no mess
'cause who run the world?
- Girls.
- OK, Mommy.
Thank you for that
wonderful holiday story.
It was really nice.
Say Papa.
[camera shutter clicks]
Shh-shh.
[suckling sounds]
[groans]
Whoa.
Whoa, OK.
What are you doing?
He just latched on.
And you know, I didn't wanna
embarrass him or anything.
[crying]
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
That's OK.
[Molly] Jeff.
Yeah.
Can I have him, please?
Yeah, sure. Here.
- No worries.
- OK.
I think I'm gonna put him down.
Yeah, cool. Cool.
Do you mind if I just
get a moment with him?
Oh, my god, yes, of course,
darling. Go ahead.
I will see you downstairs.
OK.
Good night.
You're OK.
OK.
Let's have a little
sleep, shall we?
I love you.
I love you.
Sleeping?
He will be in a minute.
Why don't you let
me take over now?
Well, even you can
admit I can handle this.
You know what,
I would love that.
Thank you.
You are welcome.
[upbeat music]
I showed up here
tonight, honestly,
wanting to like talk to a wall.
Am I better than a wall?
Honey...
I just called you honey.
This is going fast, but
I want you to know...
[inaudible mumbling]
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Let's just do
it one more time ♪
♪ Let's get high ♪
♪ Let's get high ♪
♪ Live until we die ♪
[knocking]
Hello?
Oh, is that you, Brianne?
Hi.
[Molly] Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
- [Molly] Hello?
- Hello.
OK, I'll go to
another bathroom.
[upbeat music]
Who the f*ck invited
all these people?
Oh...
And who's the silver
fox Helen's talking to?
I might have texted
a couple of people.
Oh, a couple of people.
Yeah, people you'd like.
[sighs] f*ck it.
You know what?
Baby's down for the night,
Helen says she's watching him,
so it's momma time.
- Yeah!
- Oh!
What are you drinking up here?
Hennessy and ginger.
There she goes.
There she goes.
♪ Light it up
burn it down ♪
♪ Steal the mic
feel the crowd ♪
♪ Live it loud ♪
♪ They wanna see you running ♪
♪ It's just coma static ♪
♪ I know you see us coming ♪
♪ The way it doesn't matter ♪
♪ Light it up ♪
♪ Burn it down ♪
♪ Steal the mic ♪
♪ Feel the crowd ♪
♪ Live it loud ♪
♪ Light it up ♪
♪ Burn it down ♪
♪ Steal the mic ♪
♪ Feel the crowd ♪
♪ Live it loud ♪
♪ I feel so rough ♪
♪ Tonight we keep
it cool cool cool ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ It's all love ♪
♪ Tonight we keep
it cool cool cool ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ It's all love ♪
[Eden crying]
♪ It's all love ♪
Really? You said you wanted
to watch the baby.
Don't you hear him crying?
Sweetheart, that's
what babies do.
- They cry.
- Oh.
I can't get anything
right with her.
I knew this was gonna happen.
What was that about?
[Eden crying]
He's got a rash.
He must be having an allergic
reaction to something.
I think he's wheezing.
We should take him
to the hospital.
I'll drive.
I can't drive.
Well, then, call a Lyft!
[Fairy] Dumpster butt.
Oh my god, Abby!
What is wrong with you?
I need you.
Wake up!
I'm awoke.
Just can't drive.
You know what?
Never mind.
Never mind.
25 minutes for a
f*cking ambulance.
Are they out of their minds?
Well, the Lyft says
three minutes away.
OK.
He's definitely wheezing, but,
at least we can hear
him breathing, right?
So that's a good sign.
He must have eaten
something he shouldn't have.
It's OK.
Hey can babies...
He can have pecans, right?
Did you give him some
of your f*cking pie?
Just a...
Not a whole piece.
Just like the
tiniest little bit.
- I'm not an idiot.
- f*ck, Abby!
He must be allergic to pecans.
Shh-shh.
It's OK, it's OK.
There's nothing OK
about this.
No, I know there's
nothing OK about this!
Everyone knows you
don't give babies nuts
before they're one.
What were you thinking?
I didn't realize
a pecan was a nut!
I mean, I... No, I realized it,
but like I wasn't thinking.
Of course you weren't thinking.
You haven't been thinking
for the past year.
You've just been living
in denial about Maeve
and feeling sorry for yourself.
You know what?
You are the one refusing to
deal with your truth, not me!
What do about dealing
with your truth?
You were in the closet until
you were f*cking 29 years old.
Well, I'm not the one who
wanted to have a party today.
You were.
You're going through a divorce.
Act like it.
How can I?
Every time I bring
up my divorce,
you start talking
about your breakup
as if it's the
same f*cking thing!
Well, why isn't it?
I was married for four years!
So what?
My husband left me
with a five month old!
And I dated a woman
who shaved my head
in the middle of the night
'cause she saw a gray hair.
You can't quantify grief.
Here we go with the lesbian
f*cking sob story again.
What are you talking about?
You know what?
Never mind.
I can't deal with you
right now.
I'm sorry.
I just can't believe you're
saying this to me right now
when I'm on 'shrooms.
Your mouth is like...
It's moving all
weird like a puppet
and it is freaking me out!
Did it ever occur
to you that maybe
I'm not ready to deal with
the pain that I'm feeling?
And maybe Jeff is just
a f*cking rebound,
but it's something that
I need right now, OK?
- Molls?
- f*ck.
You know maybe I didn't wanna
spend today with just you
because I didn't
want to listen to you
bitch about some woman
who never loved you.
I've been listening to it
for the whole f*cking year.
I can't do it anymore, Abby!
OK.
Abby, what the hell
is going on?
I gave the baby nuts.
He's having an
allergic reaction,
and Molly has a puppet mouth.
OK, Molly, wait.
I'm coming with you.
Well, this happened
at my niece's school.
One kid went and sat where
the other kids would eat nuts.
He just sat.
And then he d*ed.
Help! Help!
Hello? Hi.
Excuse me,
can somebody help us?
- We need help please.
- Yeah.
He's having an allergic
reaction to nuts.
- Yeah, he gobbled nuts.
- OK, are you his mother?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Were you there when
it happened?
No, I wasn't.
Have you been
drinking today, ma'am?
No, I had a little
bit of wine, but no.
All right. Did you bring your
insurance card?
- Yeah.
- Did you?
- Yes.
- Yes?
Yeah, in here.
- Come on!
- Hang on.
- Relax.
- Sorry.
OK. When you get done with
that will you bring me
two bottles of
Pedialyte to room one?
We're gonna check him out.
We'll see what
the real issue is.
I just told you
what the issue is.
He had nuts.
His throat might close up.
Can you just check him?
We will.
You said you weren't there.
We just need to make
sure that nobody
gave him anything else,
like dr*gs or alcohol.
Nobody gave him
dr*gs or alcohol.
Well, we don't know that.
Well, I know that.
I'm his mother,
and I am telling you
that he didn't have
dr*gs or alcohol.
He had nuts. Can you just
treat him for that?
OK. Just calm down, follow me.
I love Thanksgiving.
She's not a better
kisser than me, is she?
No. No.
I mean her lips are way
softer, but don't worry.
You're a much
better kisser, hon.
- I can't find the baby.
- What?
[phone ringing outbound]
[Molly] Hi, this is Molly.
Leave a message.
[distant laughter]
There's no place
like Home Depot.
There's no place
like Home Depot.
There's no place
like Home Depot.
[babbling]
How are you holding up?
The battery was almost dead
when I found the monitor.
What if I didn't
hear him crying?
Look, you didn't cross any
lines today, in any way.
He could've d*ed.
You're doing the best
you possibly can.
Did you mean what you
said back at the house
about me being a rebound?
I actually did.
I just, I don't know
how great of a partner
I can be right now, you know?
I'm sorry. I just...
it's been a great two weeks.
17 days.
And you're great.
I'm just not ready
for a relationship.
That's OK. Yeah.
- I'm so...
- [phone ringing]
Oh, I should get this.
Yeah.
Listen, do you want me to stay?
I can stay.
It's OK.
I've got it.
OK.
- Hello?
- Oh.
Hang on.
Hang on one second.
I still you owe you money
for the photo booth.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Cool.
- OK.
- OK.
Hey.
I don't want to alarm you, but,
Eden is missing and...
is he with you?
We're at the hospital.
He had an allergic
reaction to nuts.
Oh, thank god.
Molly and Eden are
at the hospital.
What happened?
Abby gave him pecans.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Everyone knows you
don't give kids nuts.
Hey. Hey, what's going on?
Is he OK?
I didn't even know
you were gone.
Yeah, he's fine.
All right, look, I'm gonna
come down there, OK?
Oh, no, honey, it's fine.
We're probably gonna be
out of here real soon.
All right.
Well, if you need anything,
I'm two minutes away.
I know.
I love you.
I love you too, hon.
[sighs]
You wanna check on the kids?
Yeah.
Oof, man.
[sighs]
Oh, that was so scary.
Oh, man.
How's she doing?
- Mm, she seems fine.
- Yeah.
Wow, god, it seems like a
lot to go through, you know?
Oh, I feel very shaken up.
- Mm, sure.
- Thank you.
This feels nice.
Of course. Oh!
Oh, god.
Helen, wait.
Wait... Sorry.
Helen, hey.
I can't do this.
Why not?
You're not gonna give me
this crap about being old.
I mean, I can go all night
and still make you breakfast.
Hey, I don't doubt that
you make a k*ller omelet.
And it's not that
you're too old.
You are a gorgeous woman.
But, you're Molly's mother.
Oh, well, I mean,
you've seen us fighting.
We are like sisters.
I wouldn't sleep with my
ex's sister either, Helen.
Why does Molly get all the fun?
- All the fun?
- Yeah.
You know she's at the hospital
right now with her son. Right?
And she's going
through a divorce.
That doesn't sound like fun.
I have gone through
five divorces.
Like Elizabeth Taylor.
Helen, you're
not sisters, OK?
You're her mother.
Seems like she could
use that right now.
Know what I mean?
- Hey.
- Hi.
Well, his tests are fine, but
he does have a nut allergy.
I'm just gonna get a
doctor to sign off on him
and then you guys
will be free to go.
Thank you.
Pluto Raiders?
Yeah.
OK, what was it like
working with Streep?
I mean, come on.
The best.
I knew it.
- OK, he'll be right in.
- OK.
Oh, I love you, my little boy.
My sweet boy.
[phone chimes]
♪ Tonight we keep
it cool cool cool ♪
Oh, God.
♪ Tonight we keep
it cool cool cool ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ It's all love ♪
Abby Barone, I'm here to
see Molly and Eden Erickson.
OK, it's family only.
Just let me...
Oh, I am family.
Oh, I'm not fam...
Oh, I see.
Oh, is it because I'm gay?
I can't be family with a
straight person 'cause I'm gay?
No. No.
Do I need to make a
viral video for the ACLU?
Do you want a million
hits on that sh*t?
- Ma'am.
- I'm gonna call GLAAD, the HRC,
and a thousand Dykes
on Bikes are just gonna
rain down on this fire.
OK, ma'am.
It's not 'cause you're gay.
Just not on the list.
I'm not on the family list?
It's fine.
She's family.
Well, rainbow flags
for everybody.
Yeah, ma'am...
I still need you to fill
out the visitor log.
Oh, OK.
And, you can go ahead
and call Dykes on Bikes
because my cousin
Teresa owes me 45 bucks.
Well...
Classic d*ke on a Bike.
Mm-hmm.
I know.
I wanna go too.
- Hey...
- Hey.
Is he OK?
Yeah.
He has a nut allergy.
Yeah, well, I figured.
Hi.
How are you?
I don't know.
I should have been with him.
Oh, God, no.
Don't do that.
It was my fault.
Well, that is true.
But listen, maybe
I needed this.
I just didn't wanna deal
with anything today.
I was just trying
to prove I was OK.
- I'm not OK.
- I know.
I'm sorry I was shitty
to you about Maeve.
Not, it's...
You were right.
She never loved me.
Yeah, but at least
you were brave enough
to try to have
some real intimacy.
I don't think I've ever
been able to do that.
Michael and I didn't
have any real intimacy.
I was basically
just his ornament.
Maybe I am just a prettiot.
You're not that pretty.
You know you're actually
prettier on the inside
than you are on the outside.
That is f*cking infuriating.
Babe, you're a great catch.
- OK.
- Yeah, you are.
And I cannot wait to see
you with your person.
Well, I don't know.
The L.A. lesbian world
is pretty self-aware.
And you can't be self-aware
and not know you're gay
until your thirties.
Well, if only your
tube sock collection
had been any indication.
Cynical, late-blooming,
low femme lady lover
with an incredible
tube sock collection,
looking for her
Idgie Threadgoode.
Must love to sit around
the table with friends,
laughing and eating
way into the night,
but be willing to sneak
away and make mad love
to the cool sounds
of Queen B.
Nice boobies a plus.
- Hey, Molly.
- [Molly] Yeah?
He's all set to go.
Oh. Thank you.
Thanks for everything.
My pleasure.
Hey. Cousin Teresa, gonna
give you her number.
No pressure.
I feel like...
unprofessional.
Of course that's
what you'd say.
[Abby] Not the time.
Come on, let's get out of here.
We'll talk about it in the car.
[Abby] I'll get this.
[melodic music]
I love you.
♪ Are we on the lonely side ♪
♪ Say oh oh oh now ♪
♪ The past long away ♪
♪ And are we so lost in
the dark of our hearts ♪
Gobble, gobble.
Uh, man.
That hat was on Jeff's balls.
After all he's been
through tonight?
They were clean balls.
Oh my god.
How do you know?
I licked them.
[groans]
[sighs]
Thank God.
- Hey.
- Poor guy.
How are you doing?
Oh, I'm great,
but this one's a mess.
[Lauren] It's OK.
Thanks, honey.
I'm gonna go grab the kids.
- OK.
- Dan.
I'm sorry I made
out with your wife.
- Look here, it is all good.
- OK.
Just next time, you
just invite a brother.
That's all I ask.
You dig?
Listen, I have yet to meet
a man worthy of two women,
but if there is one, it's you.
[sighs]
I love you guys.
We love you.
Bye.
- Thanks, bye.
- Bye, honey.
Bye.
Leftovers?
Hell, yeah.
I thought you might be hungry.
Yeah.
This is nice.
You have so many strong and
beautiful women around you.
I really envy you
girls and this time
that you are living in.
You're living in it too, Helen.
Call me Mom.
Nah, I think Helen's
a better fit.
Yeah, I think you're right.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
Helen.
Join me outside?
Nice chat.
Enjoy the food.
At least someone's
getting laid tonight.
[upbeat music]
You may also be
getting a hemorrhoid.
- Ooh.
- I don't have hemorrhoids.
That's the only thing
I don't have right now.
Come on.
Stick a clove of
garlic up your ass.
No, that...
- Oh my god.
- It works!
You ever had your taint
ripped open and bled out?
Have you ever had pus
come out of your ass?
Huh? Have you ever had some
f*cking baby come out of you
while your assh*le bleeds?
What am I saying?
I forgot what I was
supposed to be saying.
They don't make 'em like this over
there, do they? Check it out.
Lower chocolates so they
can see your breasts, babe.
[groans]
[laughing]
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
OK, here.
- The worst husband of all time.
- Sorry.
Why would you invite
him without asking me?
[Helen] Oh, the two of
you were so good together.
[crying]
♪ Savannah ♪
♪ Savannah ♪
♪ Savannah you're my girl ♪
He cheated on me.
[crying]
♪ Savannah ♪
♪ Savannah ♪
♪ Savannah ♪
I'm gonna ask that you don't
step to me in the future. OK?
Claire.
And I'll take your
silence as consent.
That was terrible.
[laughing]
I don't understand.
What's the problem?
You said you didn't mind.
Well, I thought I
was gonna be here. sh*t.
Well you didn't...
You made me use my white voice.
[laughing]
Yeah, my doctor said
I had hemorrhoids
because of all my built
up aggression and anger
that I've been
pushing, you know?
[laughing]
I had to go in,
see my urologist,
'cause I had a massive
softball sized tumor.
[laughing]
I had surgery last
year for my hemorrhoids
'cause those have been bubbling
back to the surface again.
You know?
[laughing]
I feel really blessed
to be here
and thank you so much, hostess,
and host.
[coughing]
[laughing]
I inhaled a little soup,
people.
Oh my God.
I remember when that kind
of stuff used to happen
when I went to school.
But, you know, when we...
If we knew a kid had
an allergy or a rash,
we'd just throw
peanuts at his face.
[laughing]
- It's all in fun though. Hell.
- Jack.
[male] Oh, sh*t.
[female] Jack, stop laughing.
I'm sorry.
- You like balls.
- I can't say anything right.
- You like looking at balls?
- I like balls.
Looking at them?
Mm-hm.
I don't need to look at them.
I just need to feel
them up against me.
That's what I thought.
Some balls are nice.
That's what I thought.
- Some balls are nice.
- No balls are nice.
This one's for Nicol Paone.
[female] And then,
like, swallow it like...
What the f*ck kind
of movie is this?
Friendsgiving (2020)
Moderator: Maskath3