09x06 - The Hunt for the Great Albino Pumpkin

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,
I loved Halloween,

especially the costumes,

and no one made dressing up
more special than my Pops.

But this was gonna be
my first Halloween without him,

and things were bound to be
a little different.

[Doorbell rings]

♪

- The hell is this?
- It's Halloween.

Traditionally, people knock on doors.

They're still doing that? Uch.

MURRAY: Candy's in the bowl!

- [Door closes]
- Don't touch any Reese's Cups. They're mine.

Adam! Dave Kim and his brother are here!

I'm clearly not Dave Kim.

And I'm definitely not his brother.

Yeah, I don't care. What's with the hat?

I'm the shy and mousy love interest,
Adrian from "Rocky."

And I'm Rocky's corner man,
the gruff but loveable Mickey.

It'll be more obvious
with Adam as our Rocky Balboa.

An Italian throwing punches.
[Chuckles] There's something new.

What's this?

I don't remember the Italian Stallion

wearing "ThunderCats" PJs.

Sorry, guys, but I have
a tiny tickle in my throat.

[Coughs weakly] Do you hear that?

- Not really.
- It's there, and it hurts a ton.

I thought it was just a tiny tickle.

An incredibly painful tiny tickle.

This whole thing is incredibly painful.

- I'll take some peanut butter cups.
- MURRAY: Only one!

If all we have left are Abba-Zabas,

everyone's in trouble.

So you're not coming to
the Halloween dance?

I should probably just
stay home and heal up,

but eat some candy corn for me.

Candy corn is ass.

It has a chalky and waxy texture,

and don't get me started
on its mouthfeel.

How dare you?!

It's chewy and just a bit crumbly,

and it holds its shape just
enough for a good tooth sink.

- Brea, thoughts?
- Not really.

As soon as you said "mouthfeel,"
I kind of shut down.

At least we drove over here
to hear the news in person.

Perfect . . Gah!

When did you take that?
Where did you take that?

Why are you lying about throat tickles?

Fine. The truth is

Halloween was a special night
for me and Pops.

I'm just gonna sit this one out.
No big whoop.

Of course, Schmoopie. No whoop at all.

♪

This is a huge [bleep] whoop.

I've got to restore
Adam's Halloween spirit.

Well, we all have our stuff.

For example, me,

I'm gonna go watch a special
Halloween "Night Court."

And you, you've got to heat up
this four-meat lasagna

and bring it to me.

And so my mom did everything she could

to get me back in the groove
of my favorite holiday.

- She tried treats.
- Your favorite!

Ooey-gooey chocolate chewy
for my Schmooey.

Nope.

She tried tricks.

♪

[Laughs] Mwah.

Not a chance.

She even tried... whatever this was.

Aah!

Get it? It's like in "Psycho."

It is psycho!

The only thing psycho

is how broad your shoulders have gotten.

You're my little Iron Man!

Oh, God! Just use the Kn*fe already!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was October th, -something,

and my brother Barry was not
exactly in the Halloween mood.

["Monster Mash" playing through walls]

Enough "Monster Mash"!

We get it! [Sighs]

Monsters need to let loose, too!

What's the matter, babe?

You usually love Halloween.

It's the one day a year your
candy habit seems reasonable.

If I want to get into
the medical school of my choice,

I have to bear down.

That's so inspiring.

When I'm a lawyer,

I'm gonna handle
all your malpractice suits.

It won't matter
who you k*ll or disfigure,

I will always be right by your side.

- Aww.
- Yeah, aww.

Come get your treat,
you nasty trickster.

Blech. Can you guys
do that somewhere else?

Like, nowhere and never?

And why would I hide it?

I'd happily demonstrate
my affection for Joanne

on the -yard line of the Fiesta Bowl.

Mm, that's so hot.

The refs would totally throw a flag

for illegal use of our hands and faces.

Sure. Love finds a way.

Hey, Barry, could I get
my popcorn machine back?

How dare you?

I need it when I want
to make and eat popcorn.

No, I understand why you borrowed it,

but Erica and I are gonna have
a Halloween movie marathon.

Blood, guts, and gore? Fun.

Nah, Geoff's not really into that,

so instead, we're watching the movies

of America's goofball
sweetheart, Goldie Hawn.

In "Overboard," she's
a rich lady who gets amnesia

and ends up shacking up
with Kurt Russell

and his lousy kids.

On the silver screen, it's a romp,

but in the real world,

it's kidnapping and sexual sl*very.

I want this back first thing tomorrow.

Again, it's mine.
So, what are you guys doing tonight?

Barry's studying,

and I don't really celebrate Halloween.

I was briefly a Wiccan,

and once you dabble in the occult,

tonight feels very amateur.

Well, we got the popcorn thingy,
so we should rush out.

Bye, Joanne. Big Tasty.

Big Tasty? Who's that?

You know. It's Barry's nickname.

- I do not know. Since when?
- Since forever.

I've been crushing the rap game

with my mad rhymes and sick flow.

You rap? Wow.

How do you not know this about me?

Maybe you just haven't
done it in awhile.

You've been so focused
on medical school.

It's a good thing.

Good thing?

My own girlfriend doesn't know

how dope I am at spitting lyrics.

Show me, show me, show me.

Give me a topic. Literally anything.

- That pencil.
- A-one...

[Rapping] ♪ This pencil,
it's filled with lead ♪

♪ It's also got wood ♪

♪ Did I mention the lead? ♪

♪ W-What? What? ♪

What?

I lost my magic.

We all lose things... like the time.

[Chuckles] Would you look at that?

- It's...
- Huh.

Don't worry. I liked it, Large Yummy.

It's Big Tasty.

While Barry feared he'd lost
his hip-hop superpower,

my mom was hellbent on winning
back my love for Halloween.

Hey! I was kind of watching that!

- Ben, I need your help.
- No thanks.

You don't even know what it is yet.

I get the sense it involves me, so...

Bevy, don't bother the man.

He's never participated in life
in any way.

Why would he start now?

Eh, let her finish so I can
pretend to consider it.

Adam needs some Halloween grandpa time.

Hmmmm. No.

You don't have a choice.
You're doing it.

Oh, this one with
the hair and the ideas.

All right, tell me where to stand.

Yay, his heart is full and ready!

With that, my Halloween was back on.

- Sort of.
- Let's just get this over with.

I don't like looking like a Canadian.

Also, your cardigan
isn't exactly screaming "scary."

You want to know what's really scary?

I had three UTIs this year,
so hustle up.

I'm gonna have to take a tinkle soon.

And so began
the worst Halloween movie ever.

How am I gonna m*rder in this?

My face is so hot.

Won't they know the goalie did it?

So he's k*lling the campers.
Can't say that I blame him.

Sleeping on the ground
like a bunch of schnooks.

And cut! I think we got it.

Got it?

I haven't stabbed any horny kids yet.

But you have k*lled my spirit.

- That's a wrap on Pop-Pop.
- Really?

I'm here.

I'm wearing this thing
that smells like your brother.

No offense, Pop-Pop, it's just...

It's not the same as doing it
with your other grandpa.

I get it.

- I'm sorry.
- Ah, don't be.

Everybody loved that guy.

A little too smiley
for my taste, but you do you.

Thank you for understanding.

Well, thanks for understanding
you're gonna drive me home.

While I was saddled with
giving Pop-Pop a lift,

my brother was busy rounding up help

to bring back Big Tasty.

What's the emergency, Barry?

I was in the middle of
"Private Benjamin."

A sheltered, wealthy lady in the army?

Sir, no, sir!

- The emergency is Big Tasty is back!
- Ha!

And he's got a million-dollar idea.

After hearing "Monster Mash"
over and over,

it hit me.

There's no surer way
to pop super-stardom

than writing and performing
a novelty Halloween hit.

- What?
- Damn right, what?

And all he needs is your help
to come up with

the theme, music, and lyrics.

- Isn't that everything?
- No.

I had the idea for the idea.

Legally, anything that's said
from here on out, I own.

- What?
- I got one.

♪ We did the bob ♪

♪ We did the apple bob ♪

That's just "Monster Mash"
with different words.

Nuh-uh. It's about apples.

Why is this something
you needed immediately?

Aren't you kind of focused
on becoming a doctor?

Why do I have to just be one thing?

Can't I be Dr. Big Tasty, MD?

Sure, you can. But I don't think
you're gonna get a lot of patients.

I'll get all the patients!

Even your stupid eye patients.

I'll cure their blindness
with my bedside manner

- and crazy syncopation.
- What?

Let me clear it up for you.
I need an international smash!

Topic, cobwebs. Go!

I love you, Barry, but I think
you're wasting your time.

- And mine.
- Fine!

But every year during this time,

you'll have to explain to your kids,

"I know the guy who wrote that song,

but I wouldn't support him

by coming up with the idea
and writing it for him!"

While Geoff sh*t down
Barry's novelty-song dreams,

I was heading into
an All-Hallows nightmare.

Thanks for helping me

lug your mother's pumpkin bread up here.

They are surprisingly hard and sharp

for something supposedly made with love.

I can stick those in the wall
of the john. [Chuckles]

No leak's gonna get by those walnuts.

Welp, I look forward to the tale

of how these loaves saved
your bathroom at Thanksgiving.

Until then.

Whoa, whoa. Wait. Where you going?

I thought you were gonna stick around

and help me shoo away
those costumed moochers.

As much fun as that sounds,

I think I'm just gonna
head home, go to bed,

and wake up when Halloween's over.

Oh, son of a bitch!
Someone stole my pumpkin.

Pumpkin?

You don't decorate for Halloween.

Halloween?

No, I was waiting for it to ripen

in this nice October air.

That was my special soup pumpkin.

- Soup pumpkin?
- You're damn right.

It was a rare albino gourd.

That was weeks of soup.

What am I supposed to do about it?

You're gonna help me
find the bastard who took it.

Or we go to the supermarket,
and I'll buy you

all the weird-colored vegetables
your heart desires.

And let those bastards win? No way.

We're gonna go right now.

We're Halloweening.

It was Halloween,

but instead of the quiet
night at home I wanted,

I was having a garbage time
with Pop-Pop.

I understand we're looking for
a white pumpkin

that will yield you months of soup,

but why exactly are we
wearing trash bags?

We gotta blend in with costumes.

This isn't a costume.
It's a Hefty Cinch Sak.

Ooh, Cinch Sak.

Someone's mommy pays for the good stuff.

Now just ring the doorbell,
ask for candy.

I'll case the house.

That's your plan?

A door-to-door pumpkin search
in trash bags?

Look at you following along, huh?

Now, you got that sock I gave you?

- I threw it away.
- Threw it away?

That's grocery store socks.
Now where are you gonna put the candy?

Your foot was just in there!

Oh, check you, Prince of Persia,

too good to eat sweets
from my calf-highs.

Fine! Just give me
the other one, I guess.

[Groans]

There.

Oh, God. Why is it damp?

- There's a cool mist in the air.
- No, there isn't!

And why is it warm to the touch?

It's like the towel they give
you at Benihana before the meal.

Here we are. Ding-dong we go.

[Doorbell rings]

Trick or treat, I guess?

What are you supposed to be?

The only thing that makes sense
is trash.

Well, happy Halloween.

Yeah, happy for you. Have you seen this?

A poorly drawn circle?

That's a pumpkin.

I don't like your sass, Zorro.

- I'm clearly a witch.
- Yeah, I bet you are.

Thank you.

When did you draw
a "missing" sign for a pumpkin?

Just put the Circus Peanuts
in the hot sock and keep moving.

And so our painful search
for the pumpkin continued.

Come on, already. Let's knock.

Clearly, no one's home.

They left a bowl out with a sign
that says, "Take one!"

Oh, I guess they didn't take my pumpkin.

Nobody can be that stupid.

Look, I'm just gonna roll up
this, uh, Cinch Sak,

and you can dump it all in there.

And break the
trickor-treater's code? No way.

[Choir singing] Holy butt paper!

Is this Halloween or Christmas?

Why are you so excited about
a tree full of toilet paper?

That's enough Charmin
to last me two weeks.

That's a remarkably short
amount of time.

Will you stop squawking
and start gathering?

Now, shimmy up that branch and
get to the top stuff. Come on.

As my night took another crappy turn,

Barry was ready to say
good night to Big Tasty.

[Sighs] Farewell, dookie rope.

You will never gleam
on my jacked neck again.

What are you doing
with your mom's jewelry?

Please. She would never wear
anything this small and tasteful.

[Necklace jangles]

I'm burying everything
that was Big Tasty.

Rest in piece, Kangol hat.

You protected my head
full of sick rhymes.

Stop. You can't throw away who you are.

And yet, I am.

Adios, Adidas tracksuit.

I'll never rap or occasionally exercise

in you again.

W-What are you doing? That's my sad box!

I'm saving Big Tasty.

- Now, look.
- "Elvira: Mistress of the Dark."

Even in black and white,

she pops off the page,
if you know what I mean.

Oh, I do.

And she's appearing tonight
at a mall in New Jersey.

- This is a sign.
- It is!

It's like the Halloween spirits
have come to save me.

To save Big Tasty.

Now, you're gonna write

the best Halloween rap of all time.

She'll hear two bars

and sign you to her spooky record label.

- This is the perfect plan!
- I know!

And we can take the train there,

'cause I'm a little bit drunk.

You just gave me an idea

for the biggest hit single
in Halloween history...

"Monster Train."

Next stop, gold record! [Laughs]

All we need now are lyrics, music,

and someone to arrange it all.

Follow me!

"Monster Train"?

I am , % in.

You're surprisingly enthusiastic.

May I ask why?

I'm just excited
to hear Elvira's reaction

when you present her with

your fun and quickly
cobbled together song.

She's in it for the right reason!

- And with that...
- Thank you.

...Barry set out
to make novelty-music history.

There was howling...

A-woo.

- Bigger. More wolf-like.
- ...rewrites...

Wait, why is the witch taking
the train to Transylvania?

Wouldn't she just ride her broom?

Good note. We need to establish

the witch lost her broom license.

- ...and lots of train sound effects.
- Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a-chug-a...

Whoo! All aboard, ghouls and ghoulettes.

Everyone stop and cherish this moment,
'cause tomorrow,

your simple, pathetic lives are over.

And when it was over, they had a song.

Sort of.

Remember, you have to call me

after Elvira hears this.

I need to know what she says
word for word.

- You're a good sister.
- Sure. Word for word.

While Barry had a ticket
for the "Monster Train,"

my Halloween with Pop-Pop
was off the rails.

Oh-ho-ho! A tree full of two-ply.

Life doesn't get better.

I sincerely hope it does.

Oh, right, I forgot.

Boy Iacocca here wipes his tush
with cotton candy.

Cotton candy?
That seems like a big mess.

I just thought, instead of
your nonstop whining,

you might be having
a good time or something.

Good time? No offense, but your
hunt for the Great Albino Pumpkin

couldn't get any worse.

[Thunder rumbles]

Oh, damn it!

Quick, scurry under that car!

Or how about we can just
jump into this pay phone,

- where I can call my mom?!
- Aah!

Oh.

[Coin drops]

[Telephone rings]

Adam! Oh, thank God.

How did you know it was me?

It takes only minutes

to get to Pop-Pop's house and back.

I have been calling and calling.

- Where were you?!
- Here and there.

It's Devil's Night, Adam.

Every year, million kids

are abducted and slaughtered.

That seems high.

You tell that to my manicurist's
manicurist's son.

She doesn't do her own nails?

She doesn't do anything anymore

since her son went trick-or-treating

and sickos scavenged his head for parts.

They stole his eyes, nose, and teeth.

Now every year,
his costume is the same...

human jack-o'-lantern.

But the rest of the year,

he works in the way, way back
at Circuit City.

So he's doing it!

Murray, our baby is safe.

Call the police and tell them
to cancel the APB.

I never really called
in the first place.

So what are you guys doing?

You know, harassing homeowners
about a white pumpkin

and scaling a toilet-paper tree.

A toilet-paper tree?

Yeah, it's been basically
the worst Halloween ever.

See ya in a bit.

So, the worst ever, huh?

Oh, yeah...

you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah. Sure, I do.

Well, it looks like the rain stopped,

so let's get you home.

Even worse than a terrible Halloween

was that I'd hurt Pop-Pop.

There was nothing I could do
to fix it...

Wait! There it is!

Or was there?

[Angelic music playing]

Adam, wait!

I don't think that's mine.

Of course it is! I'm grabbing it.

No, no. Uh, Adam! Adam! A-Adam!

What the hell?!

You stealing my pumpkin, old man?!

- No, no, no, no, no. No, no!
- That's for my grandpa's soup!

Ow! Whoa!

Ohh. Ahh.

Adam! You okay?

[Groans] Not even a little.

As I was down for the count,
Barry was counting on Elvira

to make "Monster Train" a smash hit.

Hello, darlings.

Oh, my God.

You're just as spooky
and beautiful as I imagined.

- Um, what can I sign for you?
- A record deal.

We, of course, split the gate,

and I own my likeness,
Big Tasty, in perpetuity.

You'll find it quite fair,

considering everything
we're bringing to the table.

This is starting to be a whole thing,

and, uh, there's a line going
back to the Waldenbooks, so...

Where's your Mistress
of the Dark boombox, huh?

I don't have or even know what that is,

so if you have a song
you want me to hear,

you're just gonna have to perform it.

In front of all these
freaks and wack jobs?

You mean my fans?

What he means is,

once this crowd of
weirdos and hideous loners

starts grooving
to Big Tasty's hot track,

you won't be able to say no.

I think you'd be surprised by

all the things I've said no to
in my life.

Okay.

Jo-Jo! Drop a funky b*at.

[b*at boxing]

♪ First stop, second stop,
third stop, fourth ♪

In that moment, Big Tasty was back.

He'd dusted off his rhyme
skills for the hottest song

about a commuter train
for monsters ever.

He rapped his heart out.

There was a verse about
Dracula doing the Jumble

and the Wolfman losing his briefcase.

Finally, his novelty-song mic drop.

♪ The tracks wind left,
the tracks wind right ♪

♪ Chugga-chugga choo ♪

♪ This monster train will bite! ♪

- [Record scratch]
- And thank you.

Oh, I knew it!

One verse in, and
the sultry vampiress loves it.

I do not.

What? What's wrong with it, Elvira?

First off, the monster train
is just a train.

With monsters! Hello?

Why are they on the train?

To get to their monster schools
and businesses downtown.

So they live in the suburbs?

Obviously.

Because the city has been
overrun by a bad element.

Worse than monsters?

Elvira, I can't believe
you're this literal.

More like Mistress of the Nitpick.

Thank you both for being here
and happy Halloween.

Okay, you can't give up.

Let's get back into line

- and pretend to be other people.
- What's the point?

Geoff was right.

This was just a dumb idea.

- No, it's not.
- Joanne, it's over.

I know it's silly.

I used to think I'd be
so many things in life...

a rapper, a pro athlete,
a business mogul.

- What kind of business?
- I don't know,

and I'm clearly never gonna find out.

They're all just
stupid, childish dreams.

Big Tasty's dead.

- Barry...
- Stop.

You've done enough.

- I was supporting you.
- By making me look like a fool?

Thanks a lot.

♪

After his Halloween humiliation
at the mall,

my brother Barry drowned his
troubles in an Orange Julius.

Well, if it isn't
my little musical friend.

Please, I'm not in the mood.

Wait, you eat food like a real human?

Are you even a Mistress of the Dark?

Well, occasionally,
I come into the light

for a corn dog.

Everything is wrong.

I don't know who I am anymore.

It's just, I...

I started to feel like
I was losing a part of myself,

and the only person who encouraged me

to be that guy again was my girlfriend.

She sounds pretty great.

She's the best,

but I wasn't very nice to her.

Well, there's one thing you can do.

I'm not gonna date you
to make her jealous, Elvira.

Any woman who would be supportive of you

after hearing that song
is worth holding on to.

You are more than
the Mistress of the Dark.

You are the mistress

of insights into the human heart.

Thank you, Elvira.

[Spooky organ music plays]

Thank you, odd boy in a mall.

Hey.

Hey.

- Bar, I'm sorry...
- Stop.

You've got nothing to be sorry for.

I was afraid of losing Big Tasty,

and you were the only one
who cared enough

to make sure I didn't.

I would never let Big Tasty die.

He's a part of you.

And I promise to support
all your crazy dreams, too.

Good, because I got a lot of them.

Like, way too many.

My rap name is
MC Joanne Rebecca Schwartz.

- You rap?
- I don't know,

but I feel like I can
do anything with you.

Me too.

While Barry realized that
he had something

more special than a Halloween hit,

I was still recovering from getting hit.

Oh, no. What happened?

I just got clocked in the face

with Pop-Pop's albino pumpkin.

Get over here.

Yeah, well, uh, here's the thing...

it wasn't my pumpkin.

I never had a pumpkin.

I made the whole thing up.

Ben, what did you do?

I was just trying
to give the kid a Halloween

like his other grandpa used to.

So the trash bags
and the going doorto-door...?

Eh, it was the closest I could get

to tricks, treats, and whatnot.

But like you said, it was horrible.

It wasn't great.

But... you tried.

Yeah, and I screwed it up.
That's what I do.

It's true,

what Pops and I had was special.

But, trust me,

this is a night I'll never forget.

Well, you might, after taking
that whack to your noggin,

but, uh, I'll remember for both of us.

["Monster Mash" playing]

[Chuckles]

Grandpa-grandson Halloween love is real.

Oh, this one, blubbering over nothing.

- It's not nothing.
- Ahh.

♪ They did the monster mash ♪

- Mama's coming in for the candy pile.
- [Ben groans]

- Yeah.
- ♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪

Turns out, there's nothing
like a Halloween adventure

- to bring people together.
- ♪ They did the mash ♪

And it doesn't matter
if you don't believe

in ghosts and monsters,

- as long as you believe in each other.
- Yes!

Sure, no one can fill the shoes
of the people we've lost...

You're feeling better!

And your costume looks amazing!

Your black eye is so authentic.

Pop-Pop helped me with it.

...but then again,

sometimes new people help us
carry on old traditions.

Nice.

♪ First stop, second stop,
third stop, fourth ♪

- ♪ Tracks run left ♪
- Especially...

the ones who wouldn't dare give up.

Trick or treat!

Who are you supposed to be?

Girls holding pillowcases?

No, you have to have a costume.

Fine. I'm her and she's me.

You know, our dog walker's
termite specialist

had a daughter who was
full of sassafras.

One Halloween, a wayward jellybean

lodged in her ear canal.

She lost her hearing, her balance,

then while scuba diving,

she couldn't tell which way was up

and started going
deeper and deeper down.

The pressure crushed her bones
like a soda can.

Now she works at an arcade,
making change with her mouth.

- Any Smarties?
- Just take one.

[Both scream]

Happy Halloween!

Ooh.

♪