05x25 - Bed Spread

[bunniefuu]

Douglas, I'm mailing some
pictures to my cousin.

Do you think this needs
one stamp or ?

I don't know. ?

What?

This seems well within
the one-ounce limit.

All right.
Then why'd you ask me?

I wanted an expert opinion,

but no, you had to toe
the company line.

You delivery people got
your foot on our throats,

and you won't step off!

I'm just trying
to eat my lunch here.

Would you forget about
food for just one second?

OK. That's what
my sandwich was missing:

a finger with
a loose Band-Aid.

Damn it, these are
Oktoberfest pictures!

They have to get to my
cousin before June !

So then put stamps on them!

Put on them!
What do you care?!

It's not like you're
paying for them!

How dare you?

Oh!

Oh, yeah!?

Hey, guys.

Yeah? Well,
how about this, huh?

There!

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ My back is gettin' tight ♪

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ On the Queensboro Bridge
tonight ♪

♪ But I don't care,
'cause all I wanna do ♪

♪ Is cash my check and drive
right home to you ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life ♪

♪ I will be drivin' home
to you ♪

[Crash]

Doug? What happened?

The bed broke.

Really? You sure?

Well, let's work backwards.

Do I normally sleep with
my head in the closet?

All right.
Come on, honey.

Let's check out
the damage here.

My God, look at this.

The mattress is ripped,

and the frame
totally caved in.

The bed's not even that old.

How do you think
this happened?

Eyes off me.

Are you trying
to break your hip, or...

No, just thought I'd
spruce up the sunless dungeon

where fate has dropped me.

All right.

Which picture do you think
would look better here?

A shar-pei puppy,

or a photo of Elvis Presley

shaking hands
with Richard Nixon?

Well, it's your call, Dad.

Anything's an improvement
over that mounted rabbit.

Hello, world!

You know, I'm going
to miss our old bed.

Lot of good memories
in that bed,

you know what
I'm saying? Huh? Huh?

You know what
I'm saying? Huh?

Yeah, sex. Got it.

I got to be honest
with you though, hon.

I'm not going
to miss it that much.

I really didn't sleep
that well on it.

Really?
Yeah.

And you kind of thrash around
when you sleep,

and it would come at me
like a wave, you know?

Couldn't help overhearing you.

I'd like to show
you something.

Ma'am, lie down.

Oh, OK.

Sir, shoes off,

hop up, start jumping.

You do work here, right?

Come on. Up, up, up.
Doug: OK. All right.

Huh?

It's called independent
coil suspension.

Invented by the Danish.

That's why he's jumping,
and you're feeling nothing.

Right?

Um...

does fear count as something?

I'm done.

So what do you think?

It's actually pretty great.

How much is it?

$ , .

Whoa.

You have anything cheaper?

Anything that had
to be marked down?

Any beds that people
got m*rder*d on?

Well, this one
is under a thousand.

It's the same as that one,

just without all
the Danish crap.

Mmm. Kind of like
that one.

For what it's worth, I just
sold that bed to Derek Jeter.

Oh, let's get it.

OK, you do realize Derek Jeter
won't be in the bed with you.

Come on, Doug. I really
liked it, and I feel like

I can really get a good
night's sleep on this.

All right, we'll take it.

Great. We're out of stock
on this one right now.

I'll have to order it,
but it shouldn't take long.

Let me get the forms.

Where we going to sleep
until then?

Should we see what Jeter's
doing with his old bed?

Arthur. Walk time.

Arthur: Come down here.

Can't you just come up?

I've got other
dogs in the car--

I've got dogs in the car.

Just come down and prepare
to be delighted.

[Sighs]

Close your eyes.

Fine--ow!

Mind the nail there.

Now, before
you open them up...

what has this basement
always been missing?

A dustpan?
No.

Fly strip?

No.

Can't you just tell me?

A window!

Look!

It's facing north,
so I don't get any direct light,

but at least now I can tell
whether it's day or night.

Well, that is a step
forward for you, Arthur.

Now can we get going?

Nonsense. We have
a beautiful sunroom here.

It's the perfect place
to relax

and watch the world go by.

I've got dogs up in the car.

Would you forget about your
precious career for one second?

Come on!
Watch the world go by.

Do it.

Fine.

Man: Hey, Ellen, what brings you
on this side of the street?

Who's that?

Oh, that's our neighbor
Lou Ferrigno.

Oh, I'm watching Mrs. Nesbitt's
house while she visits her mother.

Right.

She's not visiting her mother.

I heard she's heading
into rehab.

Poor thing.

Ohh. How's her husband
taking it?

I don't think it's
bothering him that much.

He's sleeping
with his secretary.

No wonder Nesbitt's
always coming home

with that stupid
look on his face.

This is incredible,
isn't it, Holly?

Holly?

Well, this worked out
pretty well, huh?

Deacon was getting rid of
his kids' beds, and...

we needed somewhere to sleep.

It's like fate,

if fate were...
you know, kind of boring.

All right.
Let's do it.

All right. We are
back in business.

Oh--Doug...

OK, we're on casters
here, that's why.

You just got to pull
and... there you go.

Oh!
Oh, my God!

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry.

What did I land on?

[High-Pitched Voice]
Boys in the hood.

This is ridiculous.

Let's just keep the beds
apart for tonight,

and we'll figure something
else out for tomorrow, OK?

Doug, are you crying?

[High-Pitched Voice]
A little.

Lou Ferrigno:
What I want to know,

if he's really the gardener,

why is he spending so much time
inside Mrs. Maynard's house?

This guy's got the goods on
everybody in the neighborhood.

Did you know Mrs. Maynard was
canoodling with the gardener?

Who?

Mrs. Maynard from
across the street,

with the invisible braces
and the jailbird nephew.

I thought we were
going to play dominoes.

Sorry, Mickey, but this stuff
is just too juicy to pass up.

Ferrigno's gossip has
cast a spell over me.

Marlene told you she had
a deviated septum?

Sounds like an old-fashioned
nose job to me.

I knew Marlene didn't have
a deviated septum!

I'm leaving.

Do me a favor.
Go out the back door.

I don't want that maniac
thinking we're a couple.

Hey.

I found this in the garage.

We can use it to tie
the beds together.

And--ahem--
with the extra,

if I happen to find
myself alone

with the angry headmistress...

[Laughs]
Yeah, that sounds great.

Um...

about the beds.

Yeah?

Just tossing out ideas here...

Um, I was just thinking
maybe while we have them,

maybe we could just
keep the beds apart.

Huh?

Yeah--I mean--I really--

I had a great night's
sleep last night,

and I sailed through
the day at work.

So I was just thinking,
you know...

But we're married.

Aren't married people
supposed to...

Yes. Yes, of course,

and we will sleep together
again once we get our new bed.

But I was just thinking this
might be a little fun, you know?

Come on. You have your own bed.
You can do whatever you want.

Watch TV, clip your toenails,

fire up the hibachi.

Really? I mean, I can do
anything I want over here?

Absolutely.

Could I, uh...

shamalamama?

Ain't my bed,
ain't my business.

Huh!

And if you want some company
for a change of pace,

you can just come over
to my place,

or I can go over
to your place,

badda-bing, badda-boom,

then it's just back
to our own beds.

You don't even have
to phone in the cuddling.

I'm falling in love
with you all over again.

So it's a deal then, right?

It's a deal.
OK.

Good night.
Good night.

Hey.

Want to get a little
busy right now?

Bring it, butch.

This is great.

I feel like it's lights-out
at the orphanage,

and you're the new girl.

Uhh! Pleasure doing
business with you.

[Slap]

So what are we seeing again?

The Pianist.

The Pianist?

That couldn't sound longer.

It's supposed to be
really good.

And I just read that it got
the Palme d'Or at Cannes.

You know what else it gets?
The palm to mouth in Queens.

Pffftttt.

Look, can't we just see
Silver Squad?

Didn't you already see it?

Yes, and it was hilarious.

Carrie, they're moon police.

Oh, there's this one scene
where Professor Beauchamp

accidentally drinks laxative
instead of gravity medicine,

then he gets locked in
the hyper-space chamber, and...

You know, I'm not
doing it justice.

Come on, Doug,
let's make a decision.

We're next.

Crazy thought...

What?

I was thinking, you know,

since the separate beds thing

is working out so well,

maybe we could just, uh...

Interesting.

It's just sitting
in the dark, right?

Yeah, and let's face it:

I'm not going to put
my arm around you.

That fell out around ' .

All right.
I'll see you in hours.

You got it!
OK.

[Freedom ' Playing]

♪ And all we have to see

♪ Is that I don't
belong to you ♪

♪ And you don't belong to me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Freedom
♪ I won't let you down

♪ Freedom
♪ I will not give you up

♪ Freedom

♪ You got to give
for what you take ♪

♪ Freedom
♪ I won't let you down

♪ Freedom
♪ So please don't give me up

♪ Freedom

♪ You got to give
for what you take ♪

♪ What you take

Rob?
Hmm?

I can't sleep.
Can you?

No.

You want to watch some TV?

How you doing, baby?

Great. What you got
going on?

Ah, just reading my magazine.

There's a whole article
in here about San Francisco.

Any interest in taking
our next vacation there?

Mmm. I was thinking
more Canton, Ohio.

Football Hall of Fame.

Hmm.

Maybe we could just...

For vacation?

Why not?

Oh, my God.

This works for anything.

[Telephone Rings]
Let the machine get it.

Doug, On Machine: Hey, you've
reached the Heffernans.

Leave a message.
[Beep]

Hey, this is Henry
from the bed store.

Good news. Your bed
came in early.

Just call us with your
credit card info,

and we could
have it there tomorrow.

[Beep]

I guess our bed's in.

Yeah.

I should probably
call him back.

Yeahhhh.

I don't want
this to end, Carrie.

Neither do I!

So what do we do?

All right. Let's just
think this through.

So we're sleeping
in separate beds.

Does that necessarily mean

that there's something
wrong with our relationship?

I don't think so.
We're still having sex.

A little bit.
That one time, anyway.

Hey, we were no
record-breakers before.

Thank you! I mean...

now that I have
my own space--

I mean, I more rested,
I'm more relaxed.

I mean, even the way
we say good night--

I was just going to say I love
the way we say good night.

Yeah!

It's so classy and respectful.

It's like we're British,
but in a good way.

So, it sounds like we're
doing OK here then, right?

Sure! Look, we're
a very happy couple

that just happens to
sleep in separate beds.

That's not weird.

Yeah!

people who sleep
in the same bed,

now that's weird.

That's disgusting.

We're--we're
trailblazers.

We do the things together
that we enjoy doing together,

and if that doesn't include
eating, sleeping, and recreation,

then so be it!

[Knock On Door]

Hey, Arthur.

Louis.

How you doing?

I'm, uh, fine.

I live a very normal life!

You think I could use
Carrie's fax machine?

Go right ahead.
It's upstairs.

Thanks.

Oh, I'm having
a barbecue tomorrow.

You could bring your
friend Mickey if you want.

We are domino partners
and nothing more!

What?

I believe you have
a fax to send.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. Lou's
barbecue is tonight.

Let's not get sucked in.
We have things to do.

OK.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Lou.

Hey, what are you grilling up?
Some power bars?

No, just chicken.
You want some?

Oh, no, no, no. Actually, we're,
uh, we're going out to eat.

I mean, I'm going to eat.

She's--she's going
to catch a movie.

Oh, boy.

It's none of my business,

but Dustin and I went
through this a few years ago.

If you ever need to talk...

[Mouthing Words]

Talk about what?

[Whispering]
Your sleeping arrangements.

How do you know about that?

We heard.

And we're here for you.

[Mouthing Words]

Look, there are
no problems here, OK?

We happen to be very happy.

Arthur: You don't have to
defend yourselves to them.

Dad?

I'm down here.

How dare you hypocrites
judge these young kids.

So they lead completely
separate lives.

So they sleep like
young boys at summer camp.

It's none of your business.

You're all nothing
but a bunch of dirty gossips,

led by your queen mother
Lou Ferrigno.

[Separate Lives Playing]

♪ You have no right
to ask me how I feel ♪

♪ You have no right
to speak to me so kind ♪

♪ I can't go on

♪ Just holding on to times ♪

♪ Now that we're living ♪

♪ Living separate lives

You're still awake?

Yeah. You?

Well, I just
asked you, so, yeah.

I never asked you.

How was your movie tonight?

Oh, it was great.
You would have hated it.

You would have been making
your stupid jokes

and adding your sound effects
to the quiet moments.

You would have
totally annoyed me.

But you know, hon, I...

I missed you there.

You know...

I felt the same way when
I went to Eddie's U-Fry.

You went back there?

Yeah. I'm on their
frequent-fryer program.

The point is, it was--
it was ladies night,

and there were
all these couples,

and romance was in the air,

and I was just
sitting there alone.

I looked down at my basket
of deep-fried pound cake,

and I thought, "Man,
something's missing."

Some kind of syrup?

No, you.

This is nice.

Yeah.

Hey... crazy idea.

Would you be interested in
taking our vacation... together?

You know, I'd...

I'd like that.

[Whispering] We're going to
the Football Hall of Fame!

There we go.
Perfect.

What did you do
with the twin beds?

Great sleepover, Artie.

Oh, my God.