03x01 - Settlement Pacifier Attic Unsyncing

[bunniefuu]

GREG: Parenting is easy.

(CRYING): Oh, God, no!

(BOTH CRYING)

JOHN: Hey, there's our favorite

almost eight or
nine-year-old granddaughter.

- We got married.
- What?

Clementine knows my
entire romantic history.

You have no romantic history.

Then, she knows that.

I can't believe this is our house.

Babe, that fridge saw me
naked more times than you did.

I know she did.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

- Come on, bring it in, buddy.
- Oh.

Don't tell me the universe
doesn't want us together.

(RAILING SNAPS)

(COLLEEN CRIES OUT)

(SPLASH IN POOL)

Colleen?

(COLLEEN CRIES OUT)

This is our wedding night.

And now our lives are ruined.

Because of your motel balcony,

we haven't even been able
to consummate our marriage.

Mm-mm. I mean, we do some stuff.

- Yeah, but not the stuff.
- Mm-mm.

Although the stuff we have
been doing has been really nice.

- I really appreciate the effort
you've put in. - (CLEARS THROAT)

It's been really great.

Excuse me, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

That's just the universal
sign for "Stop talking."

This may not be the
amount you were hoping for,

but this is the best
the motel can offer.

(SIGHS)

$ million?

$ million.

COLLEEN: $ million.

BOTH: Oh, my God.

Hey...

- $ million?
- (LAUGHS)

That's not our official response.

We're gonna mull it over
and we'll get back to you.

- No, no, we're not.
- No, no, no!

- MATT: No!
- COLLEEN: No, no, we want it.

(MATT LAUGHS)

Give it to me, give it
to me, give it to me.

MATT: Well, I guess by now

you've all heard about
our-our settlement.

So, it's pretty obvious that,

well, things couldn't be going
any better for Colleen and me.

Uh, Matt, could you turn me around?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

COLLEEN: Hi, guys. (CHUCKLES)

Been a long road to get here.

But, uh, through it all, you,

my family,

you, uh, even in my darkest hour,

you always believed in me
because you knew that one day

I would make it.

"Make it"?

Your wife fell off a balcony.

Exactly. My wife.

You don't think that my wife
could fall off a balcony?

Just admit it, Greg.

You've always thought that
you were better than me.

I never thought that.

I did.

But now I think that Matt's the best.

- Wow.
- So weird.

MATT: Uh, now, e-even
though I am the millionaire,

Colleen and I have decided
that we're not gonna

- let this money change us.
- No.

MATT: Are you ready?

It's a cash grab.

Oh! Cash grab!

Oh! Oh, this is it.

MATT: This is everything
that you've ever lent me

over the years, swirling around
in a giant vortex of money.

It looks like only ones.

I mean, this is really showy, Jen.

Besides, like, I don't have money?

Look, I got plenty of money.

You see all this?

I got all of this money
right... no, that's mine!

Mine!

That's... (GRUNTS)

There isn't a booth big
enough for all the money

that you've lent me.

Thank you, Dad.

Here's what I think
of you paying me back.

It was a gamble,

you pushing Colleen off that balcony,

but it paid off.

You're a bigger man than I'll ever be.

JOAN: I want to get out!

Let me out, please!

Oh, oh, no!

No, no, it's swallowing me!

Oh, no!

Well, I hope you all had fun today.

But Matt and I feel
like what's the point

of having all this money

if there's nowhere to spend it.

So, we are taking you all to Las Vegas!

Pack your bags!

Vegas, b*tches! Yeah!

♪ Then what the
hell you do it for? ♪

Babe, everyone is so proud of you.

You're a winner now.

We both are.

I'll feel more like it

when you don't have to
lift me off the toilet.

Hey, guys.

Just want you to really
hold onto this happiness

for as long as you can, which,
in this case, is not very long.

You see, the motel just
filed for bankruptcy.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that you get nothing.

Not-Nothing? They can do that?

Yeah, sadly, they can.

I'm so sorry.

But this is fun.

♪ What the hell you do it for? ♪

So, the good news is,
um, we're going to Vegas.

The, uh, bad news is that

we won't be able to cover
the rooms, the shows,

or the food.

And also, it's Barstow, not Vegas.

But the bus is totally on us

as long as you give us the cash back.

And also, don't open any more champagne.

(CORK POPS)

Oh.

I brought this from home.

LARK: Paci! Paci! Paci!

Where are you? Where
are you? Where are you?

- LARK: Paci! Paci!
- JEN: Just a second, Lark!

Come on, come on, come on.

Where is it? Where is it?

Please, please, please.

Where is it?

- Hey! I'm in here.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, quit
messing around, honey.

- Come on, help me.
- LARK: Paci!

Paci! I need it.

Somebody hand me it.

Yeah, okay, okay,
okay, here, here, here.

Please, please, just
suck on one of these.

- Any, please.
- JEN: Unless one of those

is the stinky-ass yellow one
with the chewed up handle,

you're just wasting our time.

Uh, yeah, well, look.

Oh, see this.

I'm chewing on the handle.

Right here, okay. Now, here. Try it.

Okay, I've run out of ideas.

I know. The car.

- I'm checking the car.
- GREG: Yeah, great.

Check between the...
oh, whoa, no, no, no, no.

Wait a minute. You are
not getting away again.

Oh, please, honey. Just ten minutes.

- One beer, I'll be right home.
- No.

No one is leaving here

until we find this paci.

Paci, I need it, Mommy.

I know, sweetie. I feel your pain.

I felt the same way
when they pulled fen-phen

from the drugstore shelves.

- Found it!
- JEN: What?

Where was it?

It was in the pantry...

along with something
else I thought I lost.

- My ukulele.
- Oh.

- You found that, too?
- Yeah.

And you're still doing the
authentic pronunciation.

Night, night.

Oh, God.

Honey, we have got to break her

of this habit now

or she's gonna wind
up on a street corner

selling her body for pacifiers.

And honestly, I don't think
she's got the ass for it.

Ah, you're right.

It's just we have to do
this delicately, you know?

Yeah. This is totally one
of those things that could,

like, scar a kid for life.

I know. Why don't we tell her

that she has to send her
paci to the Paci Fairy?

That like the sweatpants
fairy your mom made up

so you'd stop wearing
sweatpants to school every day?

- Yeah.
- That's so weird.

It's not weird if it works.

Hmm...

Oh, come on.

What, these are my
lounge-abouts, right?

Chefs wear these.

- Mm-hmm.
- O-Oh.

We could tell her that
the Paci Fairy is a guy,

so that you don't have an
issue with it being sexist.

No, my issue is not with his gender.

Although, why couldn't a fairy be a guy?

My issue is that

parents shouldn't lie to their kids.

Remember what happened
with the Sinclairs?

They told that kid he could fly.

Oh, my gosh, I never sent flowers.

Don't worry, I took care of it.

- Thank you.
- And I'm gonna take care of this, too.

By not lying to our child.

I mean, the last thing
we need is her standing

at her bat mitzvah with
a paci in her mouth.

- You know, or her confirmation.
- One thing at a time.

- Okay.
- You know?

JEN: Oh, come on, Lark.

Come on, can we please
just talk about this?

Lark,

listen to me.

Do you really want to grow up to be like

that lispy chick from my office?

You've met her. She had a pacifier.

And now she lives alone with a turtle.

GREG: Jen, trying to scare our kid

by telling her she's
gonna go live with a turtle

is like trying to scare
a Jewish mother by saying

her kid's gonna grow up to be a doctor.

Stop. You think Lark could be a doctor?

- (GROANS)
- (SIGHS)

All right. Honey? Um...

Listen, have you, have
you ever heard of the, um,

the Paci Fairy?

LARK: Paci Fairy, who's that?

Well. Your daddy is gonna
tell you all about him.

Yeah... oh.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

GREG: Yeah. We're gonna send

your paci away on a
balloon to the Paci Fairy,

and because you are such a big girl,

he is gonna get you a present.

A present?

- Yeah.
- That's right. Yeah.

But if you keep your paci,

then the Paci Monster sneaks
into your room at night

when you're sleeping,

and he just eats you up in one big bite.

(WHISPERS): Jen, what
the hell are you doing?

Come on, "Paci Monster"? Come on.

I don't know, I felt like we
needed a bad guy or something.

Okay. Paci Fairy, no monster.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Okay, so...

Here we go. All right?

Now, everybody is here,

so we're gonna send these off,

and let it float away to the Paci Fairy,

and then he is gonna
bring you a big present.

The Paci Fairy's a dude?

Joanie, get your hat, we're leaving.

Stop.

This is so something you
only do for the first kid.

Oh, totally.

Come on, Tyler's pacifier
got a blastoff to Paci Planet,

while Samantha's got tossed
into the garbage disposal

while I screamed at her, "Look
at what you made Mommy do!"

Do you remember that, sweetie?

Yeah, I remember feeling

like it was my fault
but not knowing why.

I don't even remember what
we did with Sophia's pacifier.

I probably lost it or something.

Okay, ready? We're gonna count it off.

- Five...
- Five...

ALL: Four...

three...

two...

Wait, wait.

What?

All done.

- Oh, my God.
- Okay. Ready?

One, two, three.

- Bye-bye, paci!
- (CHEERING)

- HEATHER: Good job, Lark.
- LARK: See you, sucker.

- Come here, I'm so proud of you.
- Come here, sweetie. Oh.

You're such a big girl.

And now,

no big scary Paci Monster's

gonna come and eat my Lark's face off.

Oops. Look, right there.

Oh, the power lines.

- JEN: Oh, God.
- GREG: No.

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no... No, no, no...

- (ELECTRICITY SPARKING)
- Oh!

(WHISPERING): No Paci
Monster, no Paci Monster.

No Paci Monster.

Mommy!

Ugh, what have we done?

'Cause I'm gonna go
out on a limb and say

it's the wrong thing.

We need a bigger crib.

Yeah.

_

- ♪ Whoo ♪
- ♪ Here we go, come on ♪

- ♪ Whoo ♪ - ♪ Think you see
us coming from a mile away ♪

♪ They want to see us, want
to be us, nah, we don't play ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Yeah, getting
fancy, as you can see ♪

♪ We got to go, making you move,
now come on, get on your feet ♪

♪ Say one, two, what's the move ♪

- ♪ Five, six, do it like this ♪
- (SIREN WAILS)

- ♪ Yeah, get up ♪
- POLICE OFFICER: Ma'am, please pull over.

- ♪ Whoo ♪
- ♪ Right now... ♪

Ma'am. Please pull the mower over.

- Ma'am?
- Don't call me ma'am.

- ♪ Whoo ♪
- ♪ Right now ♪

- ♪ Get up ♪
- ♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Right now, get up. ♪

Whoo-hoo!

HEATHER: Sophia,
are you kidding me?

It wasn't me.

I just took you off the lawn mower.

Sweetheart, why would
you do such a thing?

I don't know. I'm bored over here.

But, dear, we have a tennis ball.

Sophia, our house just b*rned down.

We have a ton of boxes to unpack.

Why do we even need so many boxes?

Because we might be
living here for a year.

Okay, so it's not a great time
for you to jack a lawn mower

and take it for a joyride.

I-I'll watch her, Heather,
you go unpack your boxes.

You know, sometimes, these kids

need to be disciplined

the old-fashioned way.

HEATHER: Oh.

Here, go put this in my closet.

I don't want to get it dirty.

'Cause we're gonna be
doing some hard labor.

N-No. Put that down.

We're not here to play.
We're here to work.

(GROANS)

All right.

Now, get up there.

I'm not supposed to go
in the attic, you know.

Well, why don't you channel

some of that sass into figuring out

what critter is
scratching around up there?

Is this even safe?

No, but that's what the rope is for.

Fine. I'm going.

But I better get some
candy when I'm done.

Even coal miners

get to have a beer
at the end of the day.

Sophia?

I baked some cookies.

Come on down, I'll give them to you.

What the...? (GRUNTS)

Mr. Pickle?

I've been had.

Sophia? Sophia?

(GRUNTS)

Tim, have you seen Sophia?

I thought you were watching her.

I thought you were unpacking.

I fell in the pool.

In your swimming trunks?

I was quite lucky.

Oh, hey, Dad.

- Hey.
- I fell in the pool.

Uh, where's Sophia?

Oh, we were playing
hide-and-seek, uh...

Uh, Sophia?

Pop-Pop gives up.

Come on out, right now.

She's not gonna learn what hard work is

if you let her just quit
in the middle of a game.

Sophia, honey, you stay hidden, okay?

You make Pop-Pop look for you.

Sophia? Sophia!

Okay, t*nk.

This is Sophia's scent.

Now, go find her, girl.

Is she outside?

Is that it?

(BARKING)

(GASPS) My sweater.

I've been looking for that. (LAUGHS)

Well, then who's t*nk chasing?

A Subaru?

What? t*nk!

Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you, ma'am.

Have you seen a little girl?

Uh, she was in my attic,
but, uh, she got away.

She must've squiggled out of
the rope I had tied around her.

Come on, Gracie, let me
show you the other sidewalk.

Did you lose Sophia, dear?

No.

Well, all right, yeah,
she... she duped me.

Her-Her and that pickle
were working together.

You know, sometimes kids
can be a lot like dogs.

When they feel lost,
they usually go home.

Wait, a-are we still
talking about Sophia?

'Cause I lost t*nk, too.

We're talking about our granddaughter.

If you want to find her,

think about what she just lost.

Well, there you are.

That wasn't a very nice
trick you played on Pop-Pop.

In some families, my
creativity would be celebrated.

Well, why are you doing it?

I mean, you're usually so well-behaved.

Don't tell anybody,

but you're kind of my favorite grandkid.

I know.

You wrote it on my birthday cake.

So, what is it?

You can talk to me.

This is my home.

I don't know how to live anywhere else.

Oh, honey.

This is just a house.

A home is where your family is.

And you're always gonna
have a home with me.

Thanks, Pop-Pop.

I already feel safer.

Oh, my God!

We'd better go.

Yeah, let's get out of here. (COUGHS)

_

TIM: So, what do you think

Tyler's announcement is?

Either Clementine's pregnant

or they want us to listen to a new song.

God, I hope she's pregnant.

Hi, everyone.

Thank you for coming.

So, after much consideration

and a Twitter poll,
Clementine and I have decided

that our marriage has come
to its natural conclusion.

What? No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

All marriages come to
a natural conclusion.

Y-You stick it out.

- It's okay, Mom. It's for the best.
- (GROANS)

Can't you convince her to take you back?

No, it was my idea.

If Tyler gets to quit his marriage,

can I quit tee-ball?

I've been doing that twice as long.

I'm really sorry, honey.

So strange.

You always think you'll
divorce before your children.

(SOFTLY): Yeah.

Oh, poor Tyler and Clementine.

Oh.

I-I didn't get to say good-bye to her.

I don't think I ever said hello to her.

I don't think we ever
even had a conversation.

Oh, well.

Hey, family.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Love you.

- I love you.
- (GIGGLES)

You're a liar, Heather,

the same damn liar you've always been.

(STAMMERS) Hi.

Hi. Wh-Wh-What's going on?

You told us that you
were getting a divorce.

Well, I mean, legally,
we have filed for divorce,

but that doesn't mean
we can't still share

a house or our music or our cat.

Yeah, we just got a cat.

Probably wasn't the best timing, though.

Look, the point is,

Tyler and I are still
gonna be best friends

who just love and support each other

as we explore new relationships.

- We're calling it romantic unsyncing.
- Romantic unsyncing.

Is it okay if in the Christmas letter,

if I just call it divorced?

No, Joan.

Oh, okay.

I've enjoyed our little chat.

CLEMENTINE: You know,
when you first said

that we should unsync,

I wasn't so sure,

but it was a great idea.

We don't need labels to
define our relationship.

Which reminds me, I should
define what we are online.

Me, too.

Okay.

Single.

Me, too. Single.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

Oh. Mine must be broken.

Can we talk?

TIM: Hey, guys.

- Listen, we were just thi...
- Oh!

- Honey.
- What, did this house get smaller?!

- Uh, we had to make room for the cat.
- (HISSES)

- Gah!
- Ow!

- Oh, God.
- Oh, geez, honey, sorry.

You're standing in his litter box.

Oh, sorry.

Will you just cut it out, Tim?

I'm...

HEATHER: Okay.

Before you guys make this permanent

life-altering decision,

could we talk about

what it is that went
wrong in your marriage?

We just don't really have
anything to talk about

- unless we watch a TV show together.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and then we'd only have sex, like,

five times a week.

Huh.

Only in the bed.

HEATHER: What you're talking about,

that's marriage.

- Yeah. It's-it's a really
good one, actually. - Yes.

See, I knew you guys
wouldn't understand.

Relationships have evolved

way beyond your generation's limited,

conventional view of love.

- Is he too old to spank?
- Honey...

Oh, you know, I have to go get ready

or I'm gonna be late for my date.

(HEATHER STAMMERS)

You have a date already?

Yeah, that's why we're doing this.

Hey, do you want me to drop you off?

Sure.

Thanks.

TYLER: See?

Modern relationships
don't have to be binary.

Let that wash over you.

All right, he's getting spanked.

I don't care how old he is. Come here.

- No.
- HEATHER: Hit him. Hit him.

Get... don't you run away from
me. You're only making it worse!

Are you sure we should be doing this?

It's gonna be great.

Do you want me to walk you in?

No. That might be a little weird.

Yeah, he might be the jealous type.

And I am having a good hair day.

So, do we kiss or hug or...?

What if we just took a deep
breath at the same time?

♪ I'm so gone ♪

(BOTH TAKE DEEP BREATHS)

♪ Anyone could see
that I'm wasted... ♪

- Okay.
- Okay.

Knock 'em dead. (LAUGHS)

♪ And I just want to
know what's in your head ♪

♪ Let me in... ♪

You know what? I think, maybe,

maybe our idea of marriage is antiquated

and relationships really are changing.

Yeah, I got to say, I know it...

it didn't look like it
when I was spanking him,

but I am so proud of
the man Tyler's becoming.

Oh, yeah.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Hey, what's up?

♪ If all my defenses come down... ♪

(CRYING): She's so
much prettier than me.

HEATHER: This is just
like when he was a baby,

when we first brought him
home from the hospital.

(CRYING) Oh.