03x05 - Meal Potty Cart Middle

[bunniefuu]

Happy anniversary.

- Thank you, honey.
- Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much. (GASPS)

Oh, my God, this is so nice.

- I cannot believe that you got us in here.
- I know...

Welcome to Boccone.

- This is the chef's tasting menu.
- Ooh.

courses.

She created it especially
for this evening.

And-and-and is that the
price or the year you opened?

This looks lovely. So, thank you.

Enjoy.

Okay, front or back door,

what do you want to do?

I get a choice?

Happy anniversary indeed.

No, Tim, come on.

We've got to get out of here.

This is too expensive.

We're not gonna pay
this much for a meal.

Yes, this is absurd, but listen,

this is a very special night,

and I need to make up for years

of forgetting our
anniversary, so we stay.

That's very sweet and true.

Okay, you know what?
Yes. We're gonna stay.

We're gonna stay and we'll
just have to eat fast food

for the rest of the year.

Planning on doing that anyway.

Enjoy your first dish.

Foam of scampi with an uni crust.

I recommend eating it
from the inside out.

Bon appétit.

Oh, God, Tim, you
constantly surprise me.

And these last
years have just been...

Done!

Next!

Oh, that's good.

WAITRESS: Let it swish

- around in your mouth.
- Thank you.

Let it just coat the inside

of all your mucus membranes.

Ah, fantastique.

WAITRESS: You will taste
all kinds of spices,

like clove,

cardamom and eye of newt.

(GASPS)

Ooh. I don't think it's a straw, babe.

Mmm.

How could you finish that already?

College.

Don't breathe, don't think.

Just drink.

This is loin of bush bison.

(SHOUTS)

I'm not eating your steak for you.

I haven't even finished my own.

It's your meat. You're my meat man.

I'm starting to get
full. I think I might

have to go to the bathroom
and take my underwear off

just to make more room.

I took mine off seven courses ago.

I didn't start the evening
with a pocket square.

WAITRESS: And now we set sail

through the South China Seas

to experience the famous

black pepper crab.

It just keeps coming.

We have to tell them to stop.

No. Heather,

this is the greatest
meal we might ever eat.

It's our children's college fund.

And we are going to finish it together.

I freakin' love you, Tim.

Okay.

We are not gonna have sex tonight.

No.

(GROANS)

You're slowing down. Come on.

We can't slow down. What's wrong?

I might need you to burp me.

You're seriously
looking at me like that?

I have changed you behind
a shed at a barbecue.

It's been a great years, hasn't it?

- Yeah.
- All right, come on.

Oh, God. Okay,

just make it look like we're hugging.

- Shh, shh, shh.
- (BURPS)

(DINERS GROAN)

It's delicious, huh?

(GROANS)

Oh, it's gonna hit my
stomach and ping-pong back up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey. Come on. Look here.

You got it. You got this. There you go.

Oh, no more wine. No. I'm pregnant.

Whole right side of my body is numb.

I can't feel my right arm.

- Can't hold my fork anymore.
- (FORK CLATTERS)

(GROANS)

Have you been hiding
courses under the table?

- Just the even-numbered ones.
- Heather,

- I can't believe you lied to me.
- Oh, you know what?

Just shut up, Tim. I freakin' hate you.

This meal is just like our marriage.

You know, it just seems like

it's going on and on,

and it's not gonna end
until one of us dies.

Enjoying your meal?

It's amazing. It's
amazing. (CLEARS THROAT)

Wonderful. Is it still going on?

This dessert

is inspired

by the men and women

of the armed forces.

With every bite,

you're honoring them.

No course left behind.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

It's like a clown car where
you have to eat the clowns.

I can't do it... eat no more.

You got to put that in your purse.

Oh, honey, you have a hot towel.

Just stick it in there.

Hot towel?

I thought that was a course.

Did you eat your towel?

(STAMMERING) Everything's so blurry,

and he put lemon juice on it.

Oh, honey.

I think part of me knew it was a towel.

Hey, you know what?

I am so lucky to have you.

I love you, too, babe.

Are you gonna throw up?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

_

So, my friend Helen,
the preschool director...

the one who cuts holes in her shoes

- to make room for her bunions.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

She took Lark off the wait list.

What?

Lark's in, starting Monday.

- That is amazing!
- Oh! (LAUGHS)

How did you make that happen?

Are you and Helen lovers?

- No. She wishes.
- Yeah. Mmm.

Well, you know, all the kids
have to be potty-trained,

and this one little fellow,

he was pooing in the turtle habitat

- and blaming it on the turtles, and...
- Oh.

Yeah, it's so great

that you've got Lark potty-trained.

- Well, of course.
- Mm-hmm.

Lark is...

- good to go.
- Yep.

Or not go.

Like her dad.

- I'm just so stressed.
- I know.

We've only got two days
to potty-train Lark.

No, it's about lying to my mom.

We have a relationship built on trust.

Yeah, but this didn't
start out as a lie.

You know? She just wanted us

to do it when Lark clearly wasn't ready.

And then we weren't ready,
and then we took that trip,

and then it was winter, and then
spring and summer, and now, well,

here we are.

- But now's a good time. Right?
- Yeah.

Larkie, you want to use the potty?

No!

She outsmarted us again.

JEN: Okay.

So Larkie goes in the potty

just like Mommy and Daddy.

Here, look.

TOY POTTY VOICE: Good
job! You're a big girl!

You want to go sit on it?

No, I want to go on that one.

JEN: All right.

- Sure. Big girl, big potty.
- Okay. Sure.

All right, there's that.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Here we go.
- Wow.

Look at you up there.

I could fall in.

Okay, you want to go in
the little potty, then?

No!

Well, much like when
I'm not in the mood,

I think we're gonna need some props.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Poop, poop.

Look what I did!

'Cause I'm a big girl.

And if you hold it in for too long,

it comes out your mouth.

What?

Yuck!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

So, apparently we've
scared our daughter so much

that now she won't
even poop in her diaper.

Yeah, but at least we got
her to pee in the potty.

I mean, technically, she
started peeing and you

slipped the potty under
her, but you got a lot of it.

You think the preschool
would accept that?

I called and they said hard no.

(GROANS) We have
hours to make this happen.

Actually, it's more like an hour.

Yeah, uh, my mom wants
to come for dinner.

I-I could totally tell her no,

but I replied with those
emojis of the two dancing girls,

and-and that kind of
means boogie on over.

- (ELECTRONIC DING)
- Oh, wait a minute.

Oh. This is her.

She'd also like fajitas,

but she doesn't care which meat.

And, look,

I can totally tell her not to come.

- (ELECTRONIC DING)
- Oh, wait a minute.

She's here.

But I can totally tell her to leave.

I never thought of tofu as meat.

But the way you cook this,

it certainly requires a steak Kn*fe.

- I see what you did there.
- Mmm.

I should have mentioned
that I like shrimp.

- Okay.
- Shrimp is really easy to cook.

- Right.
- Uh, hey, Jen?

Lark's about to go
again, and she just says

that you applaud the best, so...

Chicken is another good option.

It's really difficult to screw it up.

That's why they call
it "the forgiving meat."

- Mm-hmm.
- I want to poop in a diaper!

Yeah. Uh, hey, you
want to know what, Mom?

Uh, what do you say we
go to your house, and, uh,

I can tell you about a traumatic
childhood memory that, uh,

I've never discussed with
anyone un-until this moment.

Is this about your tail?

- What?
- Your tail.

I'm sorry, what?

They said you were so young

you'd never remember the surgery.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll never go in a potty, never!

(GROANS)

What's going on?

(SIGHS) We didn't potty-train Lark

when you told us to, and now...

well,

we're stuck.

Oh, I see.

Mom, I'm-I'm sorry.

Well...

it just so happens

I carry around a bag of
prunes for your father.

So, "no"

is no longer an option.

Good-bye.

I'm gonna go home and eat.

So we'll just circle back
to the tail thing, then.

Oh, she's had an entire bag, Greg.

I mean, if we can't
get her to poop today,

we're just gonna have to
start over with a new baby.

Come on, Lark.

Come on, let's keep
eating these prunes, right?

Mmm! Huh?

They're, like...

super raisins.

I need to go potty.

- Oh. Go time.
- Let's go. Let's go.

I need to go!

- All right, we're gonna get there.
- My hands are slippery

from all the... You
know what? Forget it.

- All right, come on.
- All right,

here we go!

I'm scared.

Oh, it's okay, honey,
everyone sits on the potty.

You know, except for at my office,

where the women are animals
and you're forced to hover.

Hold my feet, Mommy.

You want me to hold your feet? Okay.

- (STOMACH GRUMBLING)
- Oh.

Uh-oh.

Those prunes are starting to kick in.

Man, I really wish I didn't chase
them down with those two coffees.

Okay, well, we only have
one bathroom, so you're

gonna have to go to the gas station.

What? No, I can't.

I need it to be quiet...
and not to smell weird, and,

you know, to be the right temperature.

Okay, and you wonder why
our daughter's having issues.

- It's okay. I can wait.
- Okay.

(LOW GRUNT) No. I-I can't wait.

Okay, honey, I'm sorry,
this is happening, all right?

It's go time for Daddy.
Daddy needs the potty!

I gotta go!

Yeah, well, so does Daddy!

- What? Oh, no.
- (GROANS)

Oh, God! No. Well,

Mommy needs to stay
attracted to Daddy, so see ya!

No, Mommy. Hold my feet.

(GROANS)

Do you really need me to do that?

Oh, God.

Wow. This is love.

- I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.
- (FANFARE PLAYS)

TOY POTTY VOICE: Good
job! You're a big girl!

I want to be a big girl like Daddy.

Here I go.

Do it. Push. Push, Lark.

(JEN AND GREG CHEERING, LAUGHING)

(FORCED LAUGHTER DIES AWAY)

- Ah.
- Oh.

(QUIET GROAN)

I'll just wrap this up in the hall.

Oh! Leg cramp.

_

Whoo!

Had no idea you liked golf.

Yeah, can't get enough of it. (CHUCKLES)

You don't look like a golf guy.

You look more like a theater
guy who a golf guy would bully.

Sure this has nothing
to do with the fact

that Clementine just started
working here as a cart girl?

Nope, nope. I just love getting out

and playing all ten
holes every chance I get.

It's holes.

? Are you kidding me?
We'll be here all day.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GOLF CLUB WHOOSHES THROUGH AIR, THUMPS)

You can play that.

Or-or hit another.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, what's going on over there?

Oh, it's nothing. They're probably

just hitting on the cart girl.

Clementine?

Not necessarily.

I mean, it could be
a different cart girl.

No, the club only allows one.

When we had more, the
members kept paying them

to wrestle in the water hazards there.

Did everybody get one?

All I care about is that Clem is happy

and I finish this hole under ten.

Oh!

Hey!

Sorry.

You're still away.

- (LAUGHS): Have fun.
- All right.

Hey, guys.

Sorry. I got the balls
only the pros use,

- so they go a lot further.
- Oh.

Do you guys want anything to drink?

No, I want to golf sober like an idiot.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Two beers.

- Okay.
- I'll have a Perrier.

What?

I mean, uh, rosé.

Okay.

- Rosé.
- Yeah.

And two beers.

That'll be bucks.

But we agreed... I get you the job,

and you get me the free drinks.

Oh, is that what all
the winks were about?

No, I just thought you
were having a stroke.

Well, this is ridiculous.

I made you.

Do you want me to
watch you hit the ball?

I'd rather you didn't.

Oh! Geez.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Look, on behalf of my entire gender,

I want to apologize for the
way that you were treated today.

(CHUCKLES) Are you kidding me?

Oh, I had so much fun today.

You know, I never knew
that I looked like someone

who could keep a secret.

Wait, so you're fine with
being completely exploited?

What are you talking about?

Well, I just thought you were above

using your sexuality to get a tip.

Wait, so that's what
you think I was doing?

Yeah.

Oh, well, then, no, no,
please, please, come on,

tell me how you think
a woman should behave.

Well, first of all, I don't
think she'd look to a man...

That was not a real question.

Save double bogey. (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

Whew, look at that hot new cart girl.

I don't understand how you guys get

any golf done around here.

(WHISTLES)

Hi, Dad!

You realize you were just
attracted to your own son?

And he's not even that hot.

Hey, Tyler, what are you doing here?

And, more importantly, where do
you stand on family discounts?

I told the club president
that only having female servers

was a sexist policy that could
revoke their tax exempt status.

- Attaboy, huh? Stick it to the man.
- (CHUCKLES)

The man who's against
giving me free drinks.

That'll be bucks.

Damn it, Tyler. Not you, too.

I should've let your old
man have his way with you.

- What?
- (CHUCKLES): Wha... (SPUTTERS)

And I'll pay for the drinks!

So, decided to go
behind Clementine's back

and steal her job, huh?

Wouldn't it have been easier

to just admit to her
that you were jealous?

Then she'd know that I made a
huge mistake in wanting a divorce.

Everyone knows you made a mistake.

That doesn't mean she doesn't think

it was a mistake, too.

- You think?
- So you need to go find that girl

and you need to get
her back in your life.

All right? You go tell her how you feel.

- Really?
- Yes!

She can't read minds.

She's not a psychic.

God, I hope she's not psychic.

- All right. Thanks, Dad.
- Go!

- Run!
- (CHUCKLES)

Look at him.

Enjoying the show, you sick freak?

Clem.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

- You gonna apologize?
- Yes.

Look, I'm sorry that I
acted like such a jerk.

You were right. I was just jealous

of all the attention
that you were getting.

You know, Tyler, this
divorce hasn't been

exactly easy on me either.

- Really? Because I was rethinking
my decision... - MAN: Hey!

You must be Tyler?

Yeah, has Clementine
been talking about me?

No. She just said your name.

Um, this is Ricardo. He works
with me in the kids' club.

Hey, we should probably get going if
we want to catch the meteor shower.

- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Is that Clementine's new fella?

She could do a lot worse.

Maybe someday she will.

Thanks, Pop-Pop.

_

Ooh, Napa Chardonnay. Hmm.

Hey, Uncle Matt.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, I'm definitely not taking food

and sticking it in a grocery
bag and then going home

because I didn't think anyone was here.

Cool.

Why aren't you at the strawberry
festival with your family?

That's where they went? (CHUCKLES)

I just woke up and nobody was here.

I'm sure your parents will feel terrible

when they realize they left you out.

No, they won't. Dad'll
come in and he'll be like,

"Oh, how'd you b*at us in from the car?"

Yeah, I know what it's
like being a middle child.

I mean, look around this place.

There's no pictures of me anywhere.

And I'm the good-looking
one. You know, my whole life,

it was all about Heather.
And then, suddenly,

Greg was born with a tail, and
it's like I don't even exist.

No one told me he had a tail.

(SIGHS) Nobody tells me anything.

I'm like the middle piece of
bread in a club sandwich...

Everyone just wishes
you were more bacon.

You know what?

All that changes today.

Today is Middle Child Day.

What is something that you
have always wanted to do

but you haven't been able to do
because you're the forgotten one?

I don't care. You choose.

No. Stop accommodating
everyone like a middle.

Be the bacon.

Uh... (CHUCKLES)

I've always wanted to do trapeze.

Anything else?

Get my tongue pierced?

- Trapeze it is.
- (LAUGHS)

You know, there is a piercing
place around the corner.

It's only got one star
on Yelp, but that's fine.

What if I love this?

What if I'm good at this?
What if it becomes a career?

What if I give you all the money in
my wallet and we just call this a day?

I thought you didn't have any money

and I had to pay for this.

That is correct.

Are you scared of heights?

I thought you were
just afraid of spiders.

Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, look at that.

Yeah, no, I'm scared of heights.

Why? Do you think that
there's spiders up there, too?

Because if there are,
then, you know what,

to hell with it...
I'm just gonna go home.

Uncle Matt, the thing
about being a middle

is that people never believe
in us or they forget about us.

- But you know what?
- What?

I don't know. I've never been
able to make a speech this long

without someone interrupting me.

You're right.

Middle power.

View is beautiful.

(PANTING)

I really should've told Colleen
I loved her this morning.

Can't believe my last
words to her are gonna be,

"Hey, can you hand me that spray?

I just wrecked this bathroom."

Hey! Hurry up!

Other people want to go, too!

We'll go when we're ready!

You want to come down here and say that?

Yes, I really do!

Okay. We're gonna do this.

All right, just take this bar.

There it is. (CHUCKLES): Hey.

All right, now. (SIGHS)

Now... now, just don't look down.

Don't look... what'd I just say?

Matt, don't look down. Don't...

Uncle Matt?

Are you okay?!

Don't say anything if you're okay!

All right, Sammy, here you go!

Spotlight's all yours!

SAMANTHA: Okay! Here it goes!

Ready, set, go.

(SQUEALS, LAUGHS)

Hey, man, check it out.
That's my niece. I mean,

she's a little bit quiet, but
if you keep your eye on her,

you see what makes her so special.

Oh! Oh, no! Okay. All
right, all right, all right.

- That is special.
- Okay, well, look away.

That's my niece.

Ooh!

Look at you! You're
amazing! With the thing

with the legs! You went upside down!

- It was incredible! (LAUGHS)
- I know! Thank you.

Would you like a souvenir
photo of you on the trapeze?

Whoa.

Or you being lifted out
of the net by a cable?

Whoa. (CHUCKLES) Man, I
don't even remember that.

(CHUCKLES) It probably
happens all the time, huh?

No.

It's $ for one or $ for .

What would we possibly do
with that many pictures of us?

(CHUCKLES)

This is great. (CHUCKLES)

I can't wait to see their faces
when they notice these pictures.

- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)

You think tomorrow I'm gonna go back

to being the middle kid
that doesn't get invited

to the strawberry festival?

Honestly?

Yeah, probably.

(CHUCKLES)

But I won't ever see you that way.

Do you want to hear something
that no one else knows?

What?

Colleen and I are trying to have a baby.

Oh, my gosh!

- That's so exciting!
- (CHUCKLES)

- Thank you. Now, you can't tell anyone.
- (CHUCKLES)

- No, I-I won't.
- Okay.

Do you want to hear something first?

- Yeah!
- I have a boyfriend.

Oh, Sam.

He's a senior.

Hmm?

Isn't that so hot?

(CHUCKLING): Oh...