03x11 - Goose Friends Auction Fog

[bunniefuu]

- Hi!
- Hi, guys.

Lark made a new friend at the park.

- Oh.
- Yeah, he's ,

his name is Larry,

and I had to tell him to leave us alone.

Oh, Larry's harmless; he just likes

to be pushed on the big swing is all.

Yeah, but don't tell him to pump.

- Then something changes.
- Yeah.

Hey, do you think you
could stay late tonight

so we could have a date night?

(SIGHS) I would love to,
but I'm supposed to play

in a Funeral Goose gig tonight.

We're rehearsing

for our upcoming live album,

Funeral Goose Unplucked.

Well, yeah, that sounds
more fun than babysitting

- or sitting in the audience.
- Yeah.

Honestly, like, I
wish that I could quit,

but I cannot break up with Tyler

- both romantically and musically.
- Uh-huh.

So, the thing where you split up
but you're still living together

and talking every day isn't working out?

- Yeah. That is surprising.
- It's a pickle.

I just can't stand the thought
of seeing him hurt is all.

Well, you know, you don't have to.

The trick to a breakup

is to blindside him in a public place

so that he can't make a scene.

I once broke up with someone

on the JumboTron at Dodger Stadium.

Yeah. It's true.

But we got back together
pretty quick after that.

Yeah, we did.

Jen, I wish you could just do it for me.

No, no. I don't think I
can. I mean, he's my nephew.

Look, it would hurt so
much less if you did it.

Well, you're probably right,
and I am very good at it.

Yeah, I've gotten Greg out
of, like, five gym memberships.

Yeah, her secret is that
she's never been dumped,

so she's not hindered by empathy.

Yeah, well, I don't want to brag.

(CHUCKLES) I feel nothing.

Aunt Jen,

thank you so much for
representing the family.

Uh, sit anywhere.

I'd stay away from that one, though.

We tend to spit a lot.

I'm actually not staying. Listen, Tyler,

we have to have a conversation
that's going to be difficult.

For you.

Oh, no. You're in love
with my dad, aren't you?

He told me that this day would come.

Nope. No.

Uh, listen,

Clementine values the time

that you've spent together,

but now it is time for you to part ways.

So she's quitting the band.

What? This doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, any closure you need,

you will find on your
own personal journey.

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm going to circle back
to your parents' house

and have a quick chat with your dad.

Wait, but what about our gig?

I mean, there's a
hundred bucks on the line.

- They're paying you $ ?
- No.

We paid them a hundred bucks.

Yeah. No, that checks out.

All right, I'm sorry. I can't help you.

Wait, weren't you in a band in college?

I was. Yeah.

Yeah. So, I mean...

It was a Wiccan... a Wiccan
band called Bitch Hazel.

Sadly, the band d*ed
with my friend Katie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.

She just got an internship
at Banana Republic.

- Ah.
- And then she couldn't fold,

so they fired her.

It was a real tragedy.

And then she actually d*ed.

Okay. Well, Aunt Jen,

- you got to help me out.
- Mm...

- Please.
- Hmm.

Ugh. Fine.

All right. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you so much.

♪ I come home ♪

♪ In the morning light ♪

♪ My mother says ♪

♪ "When you gonna live
your life right?" ♪

♪ Oh, Mother dear, we're
not the fortunate ones ♪

♪ And girls, they wanna have fun ♪

♪ Oh, girls just wanna have fun ♪

♪ The phone rings in
the middle of the night ♪

♪ My father yells ♪

♪ "What you gonna
do with your life?" ♪

♪ Oh, Daddy dear, you know
you're still number one ♪

♪ And girls, they wanna have fun ♪

♪ Oh, girls just wanna have ♪

♪ They just wanna, they just wanna ♪

♪ They just wanna ♪

♪ They just wanna, they just wanna ♪

♪ They just wanna ♪

♪ Oh, girls just wanna have fun. ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thank you.

Ooh!

That was the best date night ever.

Aw, but I wasn't even there.

Yeah, but you saw that
video I sent you, right?

- Yeah.
- It was on fuego.

You have to come to the next show.

I already paid for it.

I'm proud of you, babe. I'm proud of us.

You were rocking out while I stayed here

taking care of our kid.

Yeah! Where is Lark?

Is she not here?

Lark!

(INSTRUMENTS TUNING)

Okay, so I'm thinking

that maybe we start with, like,
an ironic Britney Spears cover.

And then once the audience

is in on the joke, we can kind of...

Take a break for a little
Funeral Goose chatter.

Mm-hmm.

W-We just like to warm up
the audience a little bit.

I have this great thing where

I ask people if they're
from out of town.

Yeah, no, that does sound original.

But I was thinking maybe after we do

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,"

because people who
were at the last show,

I think, are gonna be waiting for it.

You just don't want to
disappoint the audience...

Wait, you think that
people are gonna come back?

Oh, yeah. I blasted the ish out of this

all over my social media.

Well, in our experience,

telling people where we're going to play

usually leads to people
not going to those places.

Okay, well, I'm the oldest,

so what I say goes. (LAUGHS) Okay.

Five, six, seven, eight.

(DOORBELLS JINGLE)

Are you ready to rock?

Four hours past your bedtime?

Whoa.

What? Did we get a new roadie?

Aunt Jen, this conversation
is going to be difficult.

For you.

You're out of the band.

What?

You know, I really value the
time that we spent together,

but FuGu doesn't want to cover songs.

We want to uncover
songs. Without you.

I cannot believe that you
are doing this in front of...

(GASPS)

Oh!

You're doing this

so that I don't make a scene!

Aunt Jen, please stop
yelling. We're just children.

Bitch Hazel would have
never treated me this way.

And we practiced witchcraft!

I couldn't find my cauldron,
so I'm using this slow cooker.

Well, how long is it gonna be?

I wanted to use that to start a chili.

It's a slow cooker, Greg.

I mean, I really did
not see this coming.

Honestly, being on this
side of the breakup is awful.

Is there anything I
can do for you, sweetie?

Yes, actually. In fact, you can.

I need a lock of Tyler's hair

and also a gecko's tongue.

And if that's too hard to find,
really just anybody's tongue.

_

JOAN: No, stop!

(JOAN AND DONNA LAUGHING)

You can't say that.

Hi, Mom. Hi.

Hello, dear.

I'm Heather. I'm Joan's daughter.

I'm Donna. And who's Joan?

Oh.

Oh, you mean JoJo.

- Oh.
- Oh!

She calls me JoJo.

I call her DoDo. (LAUGHS)

Yeah.

- DoDo and I go to college together.
- Oh!

We're in the same writing class.

- Oh.
- Oh, ask her

about her short story on drunk lunches.

JOAN: Oh, stop it!

You're the one who bought the booze.

I put it in a hairspray bottle.

- Oh.
- (DONNA LAUGHS)

It said, "Firm hold."

Loosened me up right away.
It was a real panty dropper.

(LAUGHING): So funny.

- Oh.
- (LAUGHING)

JOAN: Oh!

Look at this.

This is some female bonding.

You know what we have?

Three generations of
women right in this room.

How lucky are we?

Oh, we are so lucky.

DoDo and I went on a refugee website

- on the Internet.
- Mm-hmm.

I made a donation in your name.

You know, I could have
made a donation myself,

had I known about it.

I was literally collecting
money for that last week,

and you told me to go to hell.

Okay, you know what I said?
I said, "Mommy's busy." Busy.

- It means the same thing.
- (GROANS SOFTLY)

Ooh! Oh, new lipstick!

Yeah, DoDo picked it out
for me. It's called, uh,

- Pink Orgasm?
- Oh, Mom!

Maybe you're a little mature
to be wearing Pink Orgasm.

DoDo says it's on fleck.

- Whatever that means.
- No one knows.

That's what makes it so on fleek.

Oh, fleek.

It's on fleek.

Wha-What are you
doing? Where you going?

I'm meeting DoDo at a coffee shop

in an old laxative factory.

Ooh! That sounds so fun!

She knows all the hot
places 'cause she's divorced.

Oh. Wow. I love coffee.

I can just, you know,

brew some here for myself.

Would you like to join us?

No. That's...

Okay. Bye. Love you.

DoDo. More like DumDum.

- Nailed it.
- (GROANS)

Have you got any sweetener?

- Uh... Oh.
- (DOOR CLOSES)

(LAUGHS)

Ah, you are so funny!

Hello there.

Oh, Mom. Hi. Sorry, I
didn't see you come in.

My eyes are so teary 'cause
I was just laughing so hard.

This is my friend June.

How do you two know each other?

Well, I was just walking
by, and she told me I could

pick through her stuff before
she took it to the Goodwill.

(LAUGHING)

You are so funny, JuJu!

Oh, I call her JuJu, she calls me HeHe.

Is that a cr*ck at my religion?

Because Silverstein was
only my married name.

Oh, yeah. And divorced. How many times?

Uh, four times, but always
looking for number five.

(JUNE AND HEATHER LAUGHING)

(COUGHING LOUDLY)

That's an inside joke that we...

(COUGHS)

Where's your bathroom?

I got another inside joke
that needs to get out.

Oh, it's just right there, uh,
first door on the left. Okay.

- Miss you.
- Uh-huh.

Honey, don't do this.

You don't have to be jealous of DoDo.

Wha... What? Jealous of what?

That you're just running around

with some woman that's half your age?

Honey, she's just a friend.

There's no one that can touch the love

I have for my only daughter.

Honey, you don't have to keep
pretending with this woman.

I am not pretending!

No, I love her.

She is a joy to be around.

You got a sanitary
setting on your washer?

Uh, it's not what you
think. It's for your towels.

Oh, no. No, that-that's what I thought.

Yeah. See how we get each other?

You know what we're
gonna do today, JuJu?

You and I are gonna spend
the entire day together.

- Oh, good!
- Yeah.

Because my doctor has news for me,

and he says it's best
if I don't hear it alone.

Fun! Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna just get my keys.

No, I'm driving... while
I still have this foot.

You!

Okay, Mom, now it is
your turn to be jealous,

because JuJu and I

are going to have a long
and wonderful friendship.

What can I say about June?

Webster's dictionary defines "June"

as the sixth month of the year.

I describe her as... I don't know.

I mean, well, I-I really don't know.

You know what? Why don't we
all just shout some things out?

June is...? Was...? Sorry.

- WOMAN: My mother.
- Okay, then why aren't you up here?

_

So, what are you guys doing today?

Oh, I have to go buy a new dress

- for Tim's charity gala next week.
- Charity gala?

I want to go. I don't
even care what it's for.

I mean, I'll pretend to care
as long as there's an open bar.

It's called "Vaccine But Not Heard."

We sneak vaccines into places

that are anti-medication,
like Darfur or Syria.

Brooklyn.

I-I'd like to donate another painting

- for the silent auction like
I did last year. - Mm. Oh.

Hmm. Yeah. You know, I don't think

they're gonna do the
silent auction this year.

Apparently, it's insensitive
to the deaf community, so...

What are you talking about? Of
course there's a silent auction.

No.

That's why you had me forge
Ryan Seacrest's autograph

on that picture, so we could donate it.

(FAKE LAUGH)

Yeah, you should come.

You know, just... You know what?

Come and support the charity
without donating a painting.

Problem solved.

- What problem?
- Um...

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- Oh, damn it!

Colleen, why don't you
come help me find the broom?

Well, why... why do you need
me to help you find a broom?

(LAUGHS) You're the
one who's always saying

- we should spend more time together.
- I never said that.

What?! It's gonna be awesome.
Be with me for a minute.

You cannot let Matt donate
another painting this year.

No one's gonna bid on it.

Well, he sold one last year
to an anonymous art collector.

That was me! Yeah,
nobody was gonna buy it,

so I bought it to spare his feelings.

- It's...
- (GASPS)

It's not his fault nobody gets his art.

Matt is just cooler than
all of us, all right?

And he wears those shirts
that are size medium

with all the worn-out holes
in all the right places.

Yeah, we have a moth problem.

I am not gonna be the
one to clip his wings.

Matt needs to soar for all of
us who can't get off the ground.

Tim, don't worry.

His art is gonna sell this year.

He's making a real name for himself.

So, the whole painting
is just Matt's signature.

Man, that is cool.

It's all about art already
existing in the world.

You just have to put your name on it.

It's so... big.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

MATT: Hey, no one's bid on that yet.

(CHUCKLES) Man, that's weird.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, I'm sure people are
just measuring their trunks.

(SIGHS)

Tim. I am the highest bidder
on a year of SoulCycle classes.

All I had to do was tell
people that I got wicked crabs

from the bicycle seats,
and now no one wants it.

Hey, we need to get Matt out of here.

No one's bidding on his
painting, just like I feared.

Be patient. It may have only
taken him, like, minutes

to paint it, but it takes a
lot longer to appreciate it.

Please, just take Matt home.

No way! He's spreading
the word about my crabs.

And so should you.

Excuse me.

I see you like, uh,
baskets of bath salts.

Well, then it stands to reason
you would also love giant art.

Huh? Need a new roof for your shed?

Or maybe you got a hallway
you want to keep secret?

Hey, Tim.

Hey, man, nobody's bid on that thing.

I mean, that's my signature piece.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Look, I'm-I'm not scared
or anything, you know?

I mean, my piece sold last year,

and that was tiny in comparison.

- Right? Right?
- Mm.

Shucks.

I got to pick that up.

I need a broom.

Hey. Heather. Heather.

- Yeah.
- I need our auction stickers.

It's about to close,

and I need to bid on Matt's painting.

Oh, I just used our last sticker.

- What? No! I need that.
- No, no, no, no, no! Wait!

- What am I gonna do?
- We get to get our picture

taken with a giraffe.

I even did a little extra

so we can touch his tongue.

Listen, buddy, I need to tell you...

Tim, it sold.

What?

Oh, yes!

Problem solved! (CHUCKLES)

What problem?

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- Dude.

I better go clean that up.

Congratulations again.

It really was a great painting.

Yeah. Mmm.

You know, I was worried
it wasn't gonna sell.

Aw, come on, your stuff is great.

You're great!

When we hang out together, it is great.

Yeah.

You know, Colleen told me
that you bought my painting

last year to save me the embarrassment.

(LAUGHING QUIETLY)

Uh! Tim.

It's okay.

I actually thought it was really sweet.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, hey, I'm just
glad someone else here

appreciates great art.

Well, that's the thing about
the art world, you know?

Some days you're on top,
some days you aren't.

Today's one of those
days when I'm on top.

- Mr. Short.
- Yeah.

Congratulations.

- Hmm?
- You're the winning bidder.

Well, they just bring that
thing right to your table

when you win, huh?

_

Wow. That is great.

What is that, a rainbow?

No, Dad, it's a penguin.

Oh. Yes.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, it's amazing,

and I love it.

It's gonna be the perfect
label for Daddy's new beer.

"That's amazing"?

Ugh. How's she ever gonna learn to draw

when you're lying to her like that?

Look, there's nothing wrong with
having a soft spot for your kid.

You're caught in the Dad
Fog, where you think that

everything your kid does is amazing.

Well, I'm not soft like that. I'm hard.

- Okay, Dad.
- Look at me.

Look how hard your
father is. I'm rock hard.

Oh, please stop saying that.

Me being hard is what made
you the man you are today.

Except for the soft parts.
Those-those are on your mother.

Look, Dad, you weren't
really around much

when I was a kid, so...

Well, that was me being
hard on you, by being absent.

You never really thanked me for that.

And now may I present the premier

Greg's Revelation Wheat.

Because I revel in your elation.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Nice.

Thanks. And I cannot "wheat"...

- No.
- Yeah, okay. Cheers.

Cheers.

(GROANS)

(BURPS)

It's v-very yeasty.

It's like you can chew it.

Yeah, I'm just not surprised.

As a child,

his lemonade was... amazing.

- Mm-hmm.
- All my kids, you know.

Heather had two milk stands,

so we had milk, milk, lemonade.

And then around the corner,

- Matt made fudge.
- (STRAINED): Yep.

Thanks, Mom. Jen?

(MUTTERS NERVOUSLY, CHUCKLES)

Well said.

(GRUNTS)

Your beer sucks.

What are you talking
about? Everybody likes it.

Everybody's lying to you. But not me.

I'm giving it to you straight on.

- John.
- Hmm?

Why don't you help him work on the beer?

Oh, you mean like a
father and son thing?

(GROANS)

Now we got to hose the place down.

The k*ll room's got to be clean.

Why do you keep calling it a k*ll room?

Well, it's not because of
anything I did in the w*r,

I'll tell you that.

(STEAM HISSES)

- Whoa.
- Come on, Greg.

Now you've let the steam out,

and the flavor's all over your face.

Now stir the hops.

Sure.

No, no, no. With your arm.

That way, you can
really feel the clumps.

Oh, okay. Ooh.

Yeah. No, I think I got one.

Oh, let me in, huh? Ah.

You know, now I understand why
you asked me to wear a t*nk top.

I didn't ask you to wear a t*nk top.

Well, then who was
that voice message from?

(DOOR CLOSES)

JEN: Hey. Sorry I'm late.

I was explaining to the neighbors that

you're not cooking
meth, you're making beer.

That you could just buy in a store.

You won't be able to buy beer like this,

because it won't pass
the safety standards.

Yeah. We stirred it with our arms.

Yeah.

This was such a great day, honey.

You know, I haven't
seen you smile that big

- since our wedding day.
- Yeah.

When you were dancing with your mom.

You know, I always thought
that CryTunes was my baby,

but this experience
just means so much to me.

I think this beer is my baby.

You also have an actual baby.

Yeah, but I'm making
this baby with my dad.

It's every son's dream.

I can't believe it's
finally finished.

Dad, I really loved
spending this time with you.

JOHN: I loved spending
time with you, son.

I know I started out being hard,

but you took everything I gave you.

- And in the end, we came together.
- Yeah, we did.

This feels private
in all the wrong ways.

- Okay. Bottoms up!
- Okay.

(GAGS)

- Wow.
- Mmm.

It's fantastic.

Really? You like it?

Oh, I love it. I'm gonna go in there

and puke up breakfast
so I have more room.

Greg, this is bad.

Yeah, I know. It's-it's really awful.

- But did you hear that?
- Huh?

My dad lied to me.

For the first time, he's in the Dad Fog.

For me!

- Oh.
- Ha!

And you know what?

I'm gonna go get lost in it.

Actually, I'm gonna give him a minute.

He's puking pretty hard.

(GRUNTS)

Ugh, I love this beer!

Oh...

I didn't know beer could give
me a foot cramp. (EXHALES)

Yeah.

Hey, guys. What's with the sleeves?

Didn't you get my voice mail?

- Oh, that was you?
- Yes.

Why did you want me to wear a t*nk top?

'Cause if one guy's wearing
a t*nk top, it looks weird.

But if two guys are wearing
t*nk tops, then it's like,

"I guess guys are wearing t*nk tops."