03x09 - Home Fires

[bunniefuu]

[Queen Bee] We have two situations, each of which requires delicate handling.

I have every confidence our new hire can handle the first.

But, Vandal, are you certain your acquaintance is up to the second task?

Quite certain.

Then our good works may proceed.

[music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

[all speaking Interlac]

[theme music playing]

This is Cat Grant reporting live from Taos, New Mexico, where Justice League Co-Chair Aquaman is about to make a statement.

Which Cat gets to cover, as usual.

I swear, you have one set of twins, and everyone forgets you're a reporter.

[Aquaman] Good morning, everyone.

The Justice League and S.T.A.R. Labs are pleased to announce the official opening of the first Meta-Human Youth Center for children and teens victimized by meta-human trafficking.

[toy squeaking] Allow me to introduce the newly named Director of the Center, Doctor Eduardo Dorado Senior. [audience applauding]

Thank you, Aquaman.

The MHYC's goal is to help these young people adjust to their new abilities and to readjust to the world around them. [cameras clicking]

There are resources here for these children.

Scientists, like myself, who can help them control their conditions, Justice Leaguers donating time to train them, and youth counselors who understand exactly what they are going through.

[doorbell ringing] Our hope is a simple one.

[children laughing] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Donnie! Dawn!

No worries. I can keep up with the tornado toddlers.

[sighs] Thanks, Bart. I really appreciate the help.

Today especially.

No, no! No! Down, down!

Come on, Dad. Stay whelmed.

Don't call him Dad.

Oh, yeah. Right. Spoilers. Sorry, Grandma.

[Iris] And don't call me Grandma!

Hello, Iris. Are we late?

[Iris] Mera, no.

You and Artur are the first to arrive.

[Orm speaking Interlac]

[Cat on TV] We now return you to the G. Gordon Godfrey Show.

Back to you, G. Gordon.

Thank you, Cat Grant. We'll be getting back to the Meta-Human Delinquent Center in just a moment.

But first, allow me to introduce our guest.

Founder of Goode World Studios, Gretchen Goode, or, as she's more popularly known, Granny Goodness.

Gretchen's just fine, G. Gordon.

Okay, Granny.

Your Goode VR goggles are on absolutely everyone's Christmas shopping list, and it's only September.

We've had modest success with the goggles, yes.

You mean modest success turning the brains of every kid in America to mush!

[buzzer sounds]

Oh, I, I wouldn't say that.

No, I imagine you wouldn't.

But my viewers prefer the truth.

And the truth, in my opinion, is that these goofy glasses are just another way for kids to disengage from the world, disrespect their teachers, disappoint their parents, discombobulate their emotions, and dis-cetera.

G. Gordon, I'm proud of our product.

I started Goode World with a simple goal, to spark the imagination.

And that has not changed. [sighs]

But that's not what I came to talk about.

Goode World Studios and the Wayne Foundation have partnered to help victims of Meta-Trafficking.

We've made donations to the new Meta-Human Youth Center in Taos and other similar charities.

This is something that Bruce Wayne and I both believe in passionately.

Our children are our future.

[yawning] Oh, excuse me.

Let's cut to it, shall we?

You want "props" for giving money to the meta-freaks actively engaged in destroying our way of life?

Bruce and I both feel--

Oh, yes, your precious Bruce Wayne.

You know he declined to come on our show?

Wonder what he's hiding, hmm?

Now, as for this boondoggle of a Youth Center-- [Fred] Hmm?

[turns TV off]

[Megan, telepathically] You don't have to turn it off.

I mean, I don't understand how you can listen to the non-stop hatred that man spews, but...

[Conner, telepathically] He's the worst, I know.

But he's kind of fascinating. [door opens]

Besides, we can't live in a bubble. [door closes]

We need to know what the other side's sayin' about us.

[Lucas] Hello. [both] Hi, Lucas.

Good morning, Lucas Carr.

So, wanna carpool?

I thought you'd already left.

My first student appointment isn't until 11:30, but you'll be late.

Comin' in when I want? Just one of the perks of being the new principal of Happy Harbor High.

Really?

Uh, uh, occasionally, assuming the school board doesn't get wise.

Okay, then. [kisses] Bye, guys. Have fun.

Goodbye, Megan Morse.

[Gregor on video] Yes, Quraci refugees will be allowed to stay in Markovia. [door closes]

It was my parents' wish, and I do not believe my father and mother would want their deaths used as an excuse for Markovia to abandon its humanitarian principles.

[male reporter] What about meta-humanity?

Will Markovia lift its ban on--

[Gregor] Patience, please.

Meta-human policy is a subject for another day.

Our focus now is on the needs of these refugees.

We better get to work, too.

[children giggling] So, Jeff's been spending a lot of time with d*ck, Conner, and Artemis. Seems to be goin' pretty well.

I had a feeling my ex wouldn't be able to give up the hero life for very long.

Not that it's my business anymore.

I get it. [chuckles]

And I really shouldn't be the one bringing up exes.

Glass houses, and all that.

So, speaking of your transparent living arrangement, what's the deal with you and Artemis?

[nervously] What? Deal? No deal.

There's no deal. I mean, I, I'm grateful for her help with Lian, but, uh, uh, don't get the wrong idea.

Really? You're both single, living in the same house...

But, sorry. I shouldn't make assumptions.

Yeah. [nervous chuckle] No. [doorbell rings]

[Raquel] Don't get up, Iris. I've got it.

Karen, you came!

When you're invited to join a club this exclusive, you don't say no.

You got a baby in there.

That's right, Amistad. I do.

[Orm speaking Interlac]

Hello, Brion, I, I mean, Geo-Force. Geo-Force.

Hello, Halo.

No, [clicks tongue] not like that.

Forager will demonstrate.

Hello, Violet. Forager means Halo. Halo. [car doors closing]

Do not worry. Geo-Force may still learn. [Jace] Hello, children.

Doctor Jace?

Thank you for allowing me to join you here.

Oh, thank Jeff for convincing us.

Oh, she has.

[bird of prey screeching in distance]

Hello, Doctor Jace.

Forager means Doctor Jace. Doctor Jace.

Forager is Forager.

Hello, Forager.

Hmm. Humans can be very slow of study.

Gabrielle, it's so good to see you.

I'm not Gabrielle. I'm Violet.

Uh, besides, right now I'm Halo. Halo.

Now Halo is just showing off.

I'm sorry, Violet. Halo. You're right.

And I owe you an apology as well, Prince Brion.

Everything that's happened to you is my fault.

I thought you were the only one who could stop your uncle and Bedlam.

If I'd known these good people were coming to help...

[sighs] I know it wasn't your fault. You were Bedlam's victim, too.

But not the only one.

What are we doing to get Princess Tara back?

Nightwing has a plan.

I'm told we must be patient.

[all yelp]

Geo-Force, get down!

What? What's going on?

Wait. What's happening? The children!

Let them solve it, Helga.

[Forager] Geo-Force, Halo, and Forager are being tested.

[Halo] So we must fight back to pass the test.

[yelling]

[Halo gasps] [Nightwing] Okay. That's enough.

Is he insane?

He was using rubber b*ll*ts.

[groaning] Painful, but non-lethal if carefully aimed.

That doesn't answer my question!

[panting] Brion, are you all right?

Fine. I'm fine.

Halo, Forager. You both get A grades for reflexive action, evaluation, and adaptability.

[giggles] [cheers]

Geo-Force, you get an F in all categories.

[children laughing] Greetings, children and fellow parents.

Glad you're here, John. It's tough being the only dad in the room.

[women] Is it, now?

[stammering] No. Maybe not. I...

[Artur and Anissa] Uncle John!

Do the twisty. Do the twisty. Please. Please.

Please. Please.

They have been talking about it all day.

So if it's not too much trouble? [giggles]

It would be my pleasure.

[both chattering excitedly]

[all laughing]

[speaking Interlac]

I came here for training, not cheap sh*ts.

All right, let's dial this down a few degrees.

No, it's okay. Let him say his piece.

Well, thank you for the indulgence.

[sighs] Do you have a point to make or not?

Otherwise, let's get back to training.

Training is all you care about, isn't it?

You promised me Tara. We know she's on Santa Prisca.

So what are we waiting for?

We don't know she's there, and we don't want a repeat of the Infinity Island debacle, do we?

Brion, you need to be patient.

[chuckles bitterly] Everyone preaches patience.

Fine. But perhaps you'd care to explain the point of that last exercise?

A surprise att*ck proves nothing.

Eh. In your case, it proves you need to train for surprise att*cks.

[crashing] [all grunting]

[groaning]

[grunts]

[beeps] [electronic voice] Translating Interlac.

The Main Man's contracted to k*ll this bug.

The rest of you can go. Not gonna happen.

Fine. You had your chance.

[laughing evilly]

Huh?

[both grunting]

[speaking Interlac]

[in English] Keezy Kryptonian thinks he can frag the Main Man?

[Conner groaning]

[panting] Gotta get you to safety.

Forget me. Protect my kids!

[groans]

Maneuver 16.

[chuckles, whistles]

[groans]

Halo, fly Forager out of here. Of course.

[all grunting]

There's no running from the Main Man, keezy fem.

[screams]

Halo! [Halo groans]

[Lobo] Ugh.

I hate cleanin' this thing.

So gonna frag that keezy fem bastiche.

[groans] Who hired you? Was it Mantis?

Was it Ma'alefa'ak?

The Main Man doesn't k*ll and tell.

[Jefferson] Clear!

[Lobo grunting]

[screaming]

Lois, I'm so glad you and Jonathan could make it.

Oh, we wouldn't miss it. It's the one place I can relax with people who truly understand what our lives, what the life, is like.

And our numbers are growing. It's a full house. [children giggling]

[speaking Interlac]

[Lady Shiva, in English] I am impressed.

Look at all you've accomplished.

You discovered where the parents and children came together for their playdate.

You leased the house across the street, set up wiretaps, cameras, microphones, infrared.

You've truly mastered the surface world.

These are useful skills.

Worthy of the Shadows. Not to be wasted.

I am glad you approve, Lady Shiva.

Now, watch as I step outside and, with one blast from Neptune's Trident, deal a blow from which the so-called heroes will never recover.

Yes, you could do that.

It has been contemplated.

As you know, it's what the Light refers to as their...

[both] Nuclear Option.

But the thing about going nuclear is that one must be prepared for mutually assured destruction.

So the Light has vowed never to use this option lightly.

Please. I am Orm, the Ocean-Master, a Prince of Atlantis. [scoffs]

Prince? I should be King.

Instead, I spent six years inside an Atlantean prison.

Six years!

I will not be denied my revenge.

[sighs] That's what the Light assumed.

That's why I'm here.

[sword unsheathing] Hmm? [groans]

[children giggling] [Bart] Dad! Slow down!

[Iris] Don't call him Dad!

[Bart laughing]

[children chattering]

[Bart] Come over here. Oh, yeah, you think you can move fast? Come on!

[Mera laughs] Oh. They're having such a wonderful time.

Surrender before it's too late.

[grunts] I can buy a new vest and regenerate new skin.

But you sure ain't gonna grow new heads to replace the ones I tear off you.

Geo-Force, the ground.

Cut it out, you skahvey Urther!

The Main Man's gonna frag all you...

[choking]

[sighs]

[Lobo yells]

[Nightwing] Get down! [both grunt]

[grunts] Thank you.

How many of these keezy bugs are there?

[grunts]

These bastiches are fakes.

You're behind this. Looks like the Main Man's gotta frag you all over again. No! Stay away from her!

Doctor Jace, get back!

[grunting]

[both grunting]

[growls]

[both yelp]

[groans]

Gonna frag that keezy fem till she's dust.

[groans]

Ha! Got you!

Forager! [Geo-Force] No!

[all grunting]

[both yelp]

Stop! [grunts]

[Geo-Force gasps]

No.

[blowing soundlessly]

[grunts] Just get over here.

Don't feel too bad.

You bastiches did better than most.

[clicks tongue] Is Lobo gone? [gasps]

You're alive! You're pink!

Forager shed his exo-shell to fool Lobo. [clicks tongue]

But Forager thinks Forager now understands what friends meant by not liking to be naked.

Oh, um, sorry. I can't. You're too googey.

I don't care how googey you are.

But you are indeed quite googey.

Ah, yeah. Uh, welcome to the Fake-Your-Own-Death Club.

Its membership is very exclusive, and I'm the president.

Forager thanks Artemis Crock.

Forager thanks all his friends for risking limb and life to save Forager.

The humans here are all truly drones in Forager's hive.

[clicking tongue]

Feeling's mutual, kid.

[Nightwing] We always take care of our own. [clicking tongue]

The Central City job is done, and the heroes will never know.

[Queen Bee] Excellent work, Lady Shiva.

You were clearly the right choice to become the Light's new Enforcer.

As to the other item of business, Lobo may not know he failed, but k*lling Forager was never the point.

We can now confirm Vertigo's testimony that the Superboy and Black Lightning participated in the Markovian incident.

Such a waste.

We lost an excellent source of meta-humans.

There are other options on that front.

But after Markovia and after the communique from Ra's al Ghul, the Light required confirmation of all we suspected.

Now we can be certain that Grayson has assembled a new off-the-books team, consisting of the Superboy, Lightning, Sportsmaster's younger daughter, the banished prince of Markovia, the New Genesian Bug, and an unknown meta-girl.

Seven champions. An elegant number.

And we've learned to our regret that young heroes like these can cause the seven of us no end of trouble.

No worries, my friends. A plan is in place.

We'll deal with these naughty children in our own good time.

[theme music playing] [crickets chirping]