03x21 - Model Piercing Video Hangover

[bunniefuu]

I have a little something for you, dear.

Why? Oh, wait,

did I tell you today was
some sort of Mexican holiday?

Because I make up a ton of
those to get out of things.

No, I caught on to that a long time ago.

Oh, thank you notes. of them.

Well, , actually.

I put one aside

so you can thank me
for the thank you notes.

I don't understand.

People are asking me

if you received their wedding gifts,

because they never received
your thank you notes.

Oh, this is a hint.

No, no, uh, the last box of
cards I gave you was a hint.

Now I'm begging you.

But only if you feel the urge.

(GROANS)

I thought we had a year
to write thank you cards.

No, they have a year to give us a gift.

But we are supposed to write
a thank you note right away,

so they know their gift arrived.

What is that? What voice are you doing?

Just some dumb person
who says dumb things.

- Okay.
- We have to do this.

Right, no, you're right, it's
important to show appreciation.

No, we have a surrogate
who's about to be pregnant

with our baby; we need gifts.

We can't have people mad at us,

especially when most of the stuff

on the registry are just gifts for us.

Why did you start a registry?
We don't have a baby yet.

That doesn't change the fact
that I'm gonna need a Waterpik.

Okay. Okay.

So, what if we do

one thank you for everyone,
like, like, a fun video

that they can just watch
over and over again?

Yeah, that's so much better,
because videos last forever.

I know that from experience.

MATT: Hello, family, friends.

It's us, America's
sweethearts, Colleen and Matt.

You may be wondering
why we're surrounded

by cookware, flatware and
several used gift cards.

That's because these are all
of the amazing wedding gifts

you've given us.

Perhaps you even recognize yours.

If that's the case,
this video's for you.

MATT: And please, if you
don't see your gift here,

don't worry, many were
exchanged for cash.

COLLEEN: So thank you all so very much

for making us feel so
loved and so appreciated.

MATT: And please, share this video

with anyone you know
who did give us a gift,

but who is not CC'd above.

But don't you dare reply all,
'cause that's super annoying.

Okay, does anybody else

feel like Matt and Colleen
just took a big dump on them?

You know, the real question
is: who got them that camera?

- You're the problem.
- We did.

Oh? I'm glad they used it.

Wait, so people who gave
big gifts are just lumped in

with people who gave, like, a candle?

What did you get them?

An ancient Inuit heart
carved out of walrus tusk,

which in native cultures
represents eternity.

- We got it at Marshalls.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, can someone please
pass the potatoes?

Mm. Yeah, here you go.

Thank you, Sam.

You're welcome.

I passed the potatoes.

Oh, yeah, but, about a year
ago, Sam passed me some potatoes,

and I never thanked her for it.

In fact, let me just do a-a
blanket thank you to everyone,

uh, for anything they might have

or might not have done to help
me get food into my mouth hole.

My thanks. And Jen's.

I think this is about our video.

You got something you
want to say to me, Greg?

Yeah, because if you do,
you know, you can just make

another video, and then just
send it out to the whole family.

Wait, are people
seriously upset about this?

That's what we do, Uncle Matt, we judge.

It's lovely that you took
the time to thank the family.

But I think perhaps a group message, uh,

feels a little impersonal,

and perhaps something
only a monster would do.

TIM: Yeah.

How could you? (MOUTHING)

Joan, is this because I didn't
use the note cards you gave me?

Because I can go back to that
store that I returned them to,

and buy them again.

MATT: Wait, come on, you guys.

Handwritten notes are
so old-fashioned, right?

COLLEEN: Yeah.

What? No, that's not true.

No, every week, I write Joan
a thank you note for brunch.

So you're the reason
we keep having these?

This is crazy.

So, we have to thank people
for every little thing now?

Oh, yeah, smart. Turn it on them.

MATT: Okay, fine.

Fine. Jen, thank you for the bagels.

Feels pointed. Sam,

thank you for not busting me

when I double dipped.
Tyler and Clementine,

you're both good kids; thanks for,

you know, scoring me that thing for me

that I can't talk about but we all know

what I'm talking about.

Timmy, thank you for
always having my back.

Heather, thank you for being

the best big sister that
a guy could ever ask for.

And, Greg, thank you very much

for helping me out after
my divorce, man, really.

Mom and Dad, thank you,

for thousands of dollars,

and thousand of hours of love.

Okay.

Is everyone happy?

I'd still like mine in writing.

_

Okay.

You want anything else, Soph?

Yeah. I'd like to get
the top of my ear pierced.

Oh, not again.

Listen, you are way too
young for that piercing.

But you always tell me
to express my true self.

And my true self is like
that pretty bartender

at The Cheesecake Factory.

Honey, he cannot be your role model.

But you let Samantha do it.

Because they like me better.

That's not true. We like
whoever isn't here best.

Where is good old Tyler?

Samantha had to wait
until she was , okay?

So let it go.

Okay, if you can explain
to me the difference

between this part of my
ear and this part of my ear.

All right, Tim, you take that one.

You're the ear doctor.

All right. This is connective tissue,

and this is trashy to have pierced.

It's a baseless, arbitrary
distinction, and we all know it.

Oh, my God, she is, like,
a professional arguer.

You know, I mean, if that
were, like, a real job.

She's been doing mock trials at school.

You should see her practicing
with her stuffed animals.

She argued Mr. Pickle
out of the death penalty.

And they had DNA.

Is it too late to teach
her that being pretty

is better than being smart?

Did you think I wasn't gonna find out?

Find out what?

You didn't let Sam pierce her ear

because she was ,

you let Sam get her ear pierced

because she got straight A's.

- Tim?
- What?

I'm alone with her in the kitchen.

- I need backup.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just got straight A's,
so I'll go start the car.

Oh.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, we are thinking
about it, okay, Sophia?

Well, I know from experience,
that's a future yes.

So can't we just save our
energy and get right to it?

No, it's not always a future yes.

I mean, I asked your Mom
about something last night,

and she said she'd think about
it; it turned out to be a no.

Sometimes the best you got is

you got to just go online
and watch videos of girls

getting their ears pierced
over and over again.

It's not as good as
doing it yourself, but...

(CHUCKLES): sometimes that's all we got.

Okay, well, mock trial taught us

that a "no" without a
sound argument behind it

is simply an invitation
for further debate.

I accept your invitation

and will see you soon.

See, Heather, if you
let me give her the keys,

we wouldn't be in this position.

Okay, th-that's not, no... ugh.

Hey, Jen, hi. So, you're a lawyer.

Still the one thing I
wish I never told you.

Well, Sophia is doing
mock trial for school,

and she would love to have
a real lawyer to, you know,

practice her arguments with.

She was just too scared to ask you.

Oh, I love it when
people are afraid of me.

What's the topic?

Body mutilation.

Yeah, she's got the affirmative,

so you would need to take the negative,

and just really, you know,
just... (IMITATES expl*si*n)

Full-court press. Yeah, no mercy.

Yeah, I wouldn't say try
to make her cry, but...

- Well, you know.
- Wow, embarrassing

- if you lost, huh?
- (LAUGHTER)

- I won't lose.
- HEATHER: Ah.

If one person in the family,

like, say, Samantha, gets
to have a second piercing,

the same rules should apply

to any other person in the family.

It's called precedent.

Sophia, is it true that
earlier today at brunch,

you called Samantha,
and I quote, "a dummy"?

I believe I called her
a "dumb, dumb dummy."

I stand corrected.

But still, why would you
want to model yourself after,

and again, quoting,
"a dumb, dumb dummy"?

You know what, Aunt Jen?

You're right. That is a smart point.

So maybe Samantha

isn't the best person to
build your whole case around.

You're right again.

I should be more careful
about who I model myself after.

Defense rests. I have
no further questions.

I do. Would you be okay if
I modeled myself after you?

Oh, I'd be very flattered by that.

And I could put you in touch with people

who have done the same.

So when did you get your nose pierced?

Oh, um...

That is a stud
in your nose, isn't it?

(LAUGHS) Well, actually, it's...

And what age were you
when you got that piercing?

That is i-irrelevant.

Exactly my point.

Age doesn't matter.

I rest my case.

Well, that is an airtight argument.

High five, sister.

She wins. I'm gonna go
get some more hash browns.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How could you lose?

Consider yourself lucky
she even asked you.

Oh, and I did it myself with
a needle at a slumber party.

Dad, Mom,

could I have a slumber party tonight?

- Yes.
- No, no, no.

Thank you so much for staying
open late for us, Stacey.

Come sit.

I'm so excited.

Oh, my God, she is so young. I
can't watch, I can't watch it.

Hey, if you don't want her to do it,

then why don't you just
do what my uncle-dad did?

You know, when I wanted a
tattoo of Tweety Bird doing

a bong rip, right here on my pubic bone,

he got it first, and I was
like, "Uh, yeah, no, thank you."

Yeah...

(EAR PIERCER CLICKS)

(SCREAMS)

So, pretty cool, right?

It's your turn, Sophia.

Actually, I'm having second thoughts.

I think I'll get my belly
button pierced instead.

Stacey! Going back in.

_

I'm sorry. I saw you when I was ordering

and just had to come over.

Let me stop you right there.

I have all the Girl
Scout Cookies I can eat.

No, I'm actually a local talent agent,

and I think you have a great look.

Is this the kind of compliment

where I have to say
something nice back to you?

Because I got nothing.

No, I'm wondering if you've
ever thought about modeling.

Oh, uh, I got too much to
do to think about modeling.

Ooh, what time is it?

I got to pick up my
granddaughter at : .

It's : a.m.

Oh. Right.

Well, if you are interested,
stuff comes up all the time.

I actually have a client

sh**ting an ad this weekend

that you'd be perfect for.

Am I gonna get there
and it's all nude stuff?

No, you just have to sit
there and look handsome,

which shouldn't be hard for you.

For a guy your age, you really fill out

those T-shirt sleeves.

JOHN: Hey.

We got any cucumber water?

Oh. Hey, Dad. No, I made you a Mai Tai.

I had a couple sips of it, so I... mm.

Yeah, I'm gonna make you another one.

Oh, I better not. I-I got
a photo sh**t tomorrow.

GREG: A photo sh**t, huh?

You getting a new Costco card, or...?

No, dear, he's got a modeling job.

I mean, with those looks,
I'm amazed it took so long.

That's great, Dad. It could
be a new career for you.

Yeah, well, sure, you know, I
could be the new Marlboro Man.

Yeah. After the last four d*ed

of that mysterious, unexplained illness.

I bet it was the cigarettes.

JOHN: Well, it should be a fun ride.

My agent Hillary thinks it could
be a quick climb to the top.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Mr. Short, you're doing great.

I thought the Riding Lift was
a weight bench or something.

No, no.

It's the premier mobility system
for the greatest generation.

We give people their upstairs back.

You know what would really sell
it is me jogging in front of it.

No, no, that's how the last
guy d*ed. Now smile, John.

Like at the top of the stairs,
you're gonna get hot soup

or a-a phone call from your kids.

I don't want either one of
those; I just want to go home.

Oh, that's it.

Like you're looking into the abyss.

Great. A little more drool.

Like your bones hurt.

JOAN: "Your story doesn't have
to end at the first story."

Well, that's very clever.

- It's garbage.
- Mm, yeah.

Uh, yeah. It's a thinker.

I was trying to be nice.

No, not the ad, Joanie. Me.

It makes me look like an old man.

I'm just glad they didn't
use the one of me drooling.

It's just a job, honey.

It was depressing. I just
wanted something to do,

something I could be proud of.

Oh, I'm proud of so much of what you do.

Can we go somewhere with stairs?

- The house has stairs.
- No, I know,

but I-I want people
to see me using them.

I'm sorry.

You know, I-I thought
there would be stairs here.

You don't realize how
flat most coffee shops are.

You think people saw me
stepping up on that curb?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. Hmm.

Uh, when you go up and down
the curb that many times,

- people tend to notice.
- Mm.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Dear, I think you're
sitting on your phone again.

Oh. It's Hillary.

Nah, no way. I'm not talking to her.

- Are you sure?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe the next job
would be for soft ice cream.

With my luck, they'll
give me a catheter spread.

- (CHUCKLES)
- But, you know, that might pay extra,

because it's above the knee nudity.

(LAUGHS): Oh, stop.

Hey, do I know you?

Are you from Squadron ?

No.

Were you buying a tomato in
the grocery store yesterday?

No.

Then we don't know each other.

Oh, wait a minute. You're
the Riding Lift guy.

Oh, you saw his ad!

Yeah, I bought one.

When I saw a rugged
fella like this using it,

I wasn't embarrassed anymore.

(CHUCKLES): Well, it's
always nice to meet a fan.

I can't wait to go home and tell my wife

I met the Riding Lift guy!

And now I can actually
go upstairs and see her.

You sure you don't
want to keep modeling?

- Eh. Hmm?
- (PHONE VIBRATING)

Hillary. Go for John.

- (MAN GRUNTS)
- Oh!

That nice man just fell off the curb.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Looking good, John. (MONITOR BEEPING)

Yeah, get tight on the bicep.

I'm really getting this
blood pressure cuff beeping.

Oh, cool!

Now it's telling me to call - - .

I think you're looking
at it upside down.

- What?
- It's telling you to call - - .

John, your blood
pressure's through the roof.

We should take you to a hospital.

Yeah. After you get the sh*t.

(MONITOR BEEPING FASTER)

He's good. (LAUGHS)

_

(GROANING)

Oh. I drank too much.

Oh.

Oh, I drank too much
and I am so hungover.

Oh, me, too.

That preschool fund-raising
auction was insane.

Mm-hmm. Did I do something
to embarrass myself?

I didn't do anything
stupid, did I, babe?

No, honey. No. You just...
You did a dance for everyone.

- What?
- You fashion-policed all of their outfits.

- Oh...
- And then, when we walked

all the way home, you did a
comedy routine with the mailbox.

- It was awesome. It was really funny.
- It does sound good.

What is in my mouth?

Ah!

Is that my lung?

Oh, no. No, I'm remembering now.

That's chewing tobacco.

Yeah, you made us stop and get
it, and then you were yelling

how you were a baseball player,
and you threw a rock at our car.

- There's hair in it.
- Ugh.

LARK: Mommy, I'm hungry!

(BOTH GROAN)

- Honey, can you go get her some cereal?
- What?!

No. I'm just as hungover as you are.

No. Whoever gets out of bed first.

(GRUNTS)

Uh-oh. It sounds like
you fell. You okay, honey?

GREG: Jen, come out here!

What is it?

What? (GASPS)

JEN (QUIETLY): Oh, my God.

She made herself breakfast.

She's a cereal genius.

You know what?

Of all the words to follow "cereal,"

"genius" is definitely the best.

GREG: Does this mean that
we can go back to bed?

And by bed, does that mean

that I can just lay on a
towel by the toilet, please?

I don't know.

I'm afraid if we move and disturb her,

this will all go away.

Oops. I forgot my napkin.

- Now, now.
- Okay.

You want? I really
think I came back to life

after that fifth piece.

No, I'm good.

I am kind of thirsty, though.

- Would you get me some water?
- Oh, honey.

Sure, Mommy.

Greg, what if this
morning wasn't a fluke?

I mean, it's like we woke up,

and suddenly she can do anything.

Eh, I don't know. I
think it's best to assume

she's just gonna bring
back toilet water.

LARK: You want ice, Mommy?

Uh, sure, honey. Thanks.

Honestly, do you realize
how much time and effort

this could save us?

Like, I haven't done laundry

in two weeks.

I think she would be very good at it.

That is crazy. She's three years old.

I mean, can I really
trust her with my whites?

Here, Mommy. And for you, Daddy.

Thank you, sweetie.

I don't care if it's toilet water.

- JEN: Hi.
- Hey, girl, hey.

Babe, I k*lled it at work today.

I was so well-rested, I
made another lawyer cry.

You know how hard that is to do?

Well, I have to think
in three dimensions

to do this, so, yeah.

Is that the -D puzzle you
started before Lark was born?

Mm-hmm. Honey, it was
the strangest thing today.

I actually got bored. Bored.

No. Like a -something.

Like a -something. I mean, Lark is

basically taking care of herself.

Oh, she's taking care of all of us.

- This morning, she found my keys.
- What?

Yeah. They were in
her toilet, but still.

Who knew that kids could
be more than a burden, huh?

(SCOFFS) Hey, where
is she? Isn't it her...

- Yeah.
- No.

Putting herself to bed.

Wow.

Good night, Bunny. Good
night, Frankenstein.

Okay. She's wearing
her pajamas backwards,

but beggars can't be choosers.

I can't believe I'm saying this...

I have more time than
I know what to do with.

Hmm, I think I know what
you could do with it.

Oh, I like the sound of this.

Yeah, let's get in the
bedroom before I realize

you're interpreting this
as us finishing a puzzle.

(JEN GIGGLING)

That looks so pretty.

Ooh, who got some work done?

Uh, not me, but it's-it's
fun that you think I would.

- Well, you're glowing.
- Oh.

You're both glowing.

Well, I mean, we both look great

- because we feel great.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, Lark is so self-sufficient now.

She's like that robot
that's learned to love

but also comb her own hair.

Yeah. Watch this. Lark, honey,

go get Pop-Pop his drink.

Sure.

Look at her go.

Ah.

She's got a heavy hand
with that rum there.

Well, you can't teach
that. That's just God-given.

GREG: I'm telling you, it's
like Jen and I can finally...

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Hey, that's my rum.

So, wait, how long do I put this in for?

Three minutes, and stir,

then one more minute.

Then you eat it all up.

That's right.

- See you minutes.
- Okay.

Honey, she can do math.

I mean, I don't mean
to overstate things,

but I think she can get a job.

And not some entry-level job.

I'm talking, like,

second-in-charge at Jamba Juice job.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

This is incredible. We
have our lives back, Jen.

You know? We can have
hobbies. We can make plans.

We can find out about the
news the day it happens.

And best of all, I get you back.

(CHUCKLES) I'm pregnant.

I know, me, too.

Wait, what?

We're gonna have a baby.

Are you kidding me?

(CHUCKLING): No. We're
gonna have a baby.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

Is there any way that you
could just hold it inside

until it's Lark's age?

(LAUGHING)

No, but don't worry.

We'll find a way to
get our freedom back.

Okay.

Hey, Larkie. Come here for a sec.

We're gonna show you
how to change a diaper.