02x06 - Forced Hiatus

[bunniefuu]

What was Elise
even doing up here?

Who knows?
She was terrified of heights.

Wouldn't even take the top bunk
at summer camp.

Someone must've brought her up here.

Someone she trusted.

Whoever it was,

he really... let her down.

And cut! Good enough. Thank you.

All right, that is lunch, folks.

But before you go
to get your carnitas, listen up.

Can I get everybody
to gather around, please?

Susan has some, uh,
important news she wants to share.

Is everything okay?

Susan's just gonna announce
she's taking us all to Disneyland.

f*ckin' idiot.

Hi, everyone. Uh...

Look, I'm just gonna, uh, get right to it.

Um, this morning I was told
that the network

is cutting Witchita's episode order.

Yeah, they cut us from 16 to 12,

which means the episode
that we're sh**ting right now

will be the last of the season.

And tomorrow will be
our last day of production.

Why is this happening, Susan?
Did they say something?

Are they just gonna put on
another f*ckin' reality show?

Gina said it was due to low numbers
and they have a mid-season replacement

with Calista Flockhart playing
some park ranger detective

that's f*ckin' testing through the roof.

But...
listen, guys, this is not a cancellation.

It's a forced hiatus, and we will survive.

Okay? Let's hold out hope
for another season.

I mean, Witchita, you know,
we're more than a TV show.

We're a family, right?

f*ck!

f*ck, I'm f*cking crying over Witchita.

sh*t.

So what's this mean?
We canceled, or...

Let me put it this way.
I've been on three different shows,

- all of them had their orders cut.
- And what happened?

All of them.

So this could be, like,
the last episode of Witchita ever?

- I mean, maybe I wrote the series finale.
- Are you smiling?

This isn't a birthday party.
It's a funeral.

It's not a happy smile.
It's, like, a nervous smile.

When I found out my grandma d*ed,
I laughed.

f*ck!

Just bought a f*cking Tesla!

Now I'm f*cked!

f*ck!

Randy...

Mona... M-O-N-A-U?

Monahan. M-O-N-A-H-A-N.

Oh.

Wow.
This is amazing.

I'll totally pay you back at some point.
I swear.

I'm impressed you can ask for help.

Most guys couldn't do that.

Oh, wait, you forgot to sign it.

Oh, my God. So stupid. Sorry.

- You gotta sign it or I can't cash it.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Thank you, Bertie.
- You're welcome.

Hey, what are you doing here?

- Hanging with Bertie.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, I think it's time to wrap this up

'cause Bertie and I have
a whole mall day planned.

We went a little overboard
at the store at Topanga,

and now we gotta return all this stuff.

Oh. I love that place.
Their dining terrace rules.

- Don't you mean food court?
- Uh, no.

At Topanga, it's a dining terrace.
It's super classy.

Look, I don't mean to pry, but...

don't you have a job
that you should be at?

No.

- Don't you?
- Yeah, and I took a mental health day.

It's like a sick day, but everybody's
too afraid to ask what happened.

So are you on unemployment?

No. I tried to get that,

but it turns out you had to have
had a job before you can get it.

So you've never had a job?

I washed some blankets
at this mosque for a little while.

Do you come from money?

- What does that mean?
- All righty, I'm ready, Freddy.

Oh, Randy, you're still here?

We're gonna head to the mall.
Do you wanna tag along?

I've already got my shoes on.

Great. Girls' day plus Randy.

Uh.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait. It gets worse.

Arya, we should probably get back
to class now.

Wait, come on.
Just watch, watch, watch.

Hey, Arya. There you are.

- Oh! Hey, Steven.
- Hey.

- How's it goin'? Denise.
- Good to see you.

Hello.

Dad, I didn't know you were coming today.

I know. But we have sort of
an important decision to make,

and your mom usually handles this stuff,

but she agreed we should have
a good team meeting about it.

Hi, babe.

Hey, do you think maybe we could do,
like, the team meeting

in 15, 20 minutes, or...

Could we just not do it at all?

No, we gotta do it right now, hon.

You know, this new hiatus you have

opens up some really, really
cool opportunities,

and your mom and I just disagree
on which one's the best.

Yeah, okay, take your time. I'll, uh...
I'll just be back here. Just ignore me.

Thank you.

Arya...

I like Liberty Down.
Isn't that a cool name?

It's a big-budget action movie.

From the people that did Taken.

- They're already planning on franchising...
- Okay, I get it.

Sam already told me.
But how many weeks would they need me?

Three weeks.
Maybe four.

sh**t down in Atlanta.

The president's daughter gets abducted,
and you play the president's daughter.

Wow, Arya. That's very cool.

A big movie. Proud of ya.

And, uh, Mom, I'm guessing
you want me to do the indie one?

I do. I think Lowlands
is a better move for you.

It's about a girl
whose mother is mentally ill.

They're stranded in a snowstorm
without any medicine.

And, Arya, the script made me cry.

- You cry at GEICO commercials.
- Steven.

Baby, this is an Oscar nom if you do well.

And, Arya, you would k*ll this role.

Liberty Down is a great movie.
It's gonna be on 4,000 screens.

Lowlands will be on one screen
in La Mirada.

Your friends can't get there
unless their parents drive them.

- You're gonna be amazing... in Lowlands.
- You're a great little actress...

and you just pick one,

- and we'll be behind you.
- You'll be the star.

Oh.

Arya, they want you back on set,
so we should probably get going.

Okay, we'll figure this out later.

- Scoot.
- Okay.

All right.

You look beautiful.

Do you think they have breakfast burritos?

f*ck you. I'm hungry.

All right, we're here,
and the store we need to go to is here.

f*ck. We parked on the wrong end.

Oh, well, silver lining,

now we get to go see
the sights and sounds of Topanga.

Yeah, I need to make a pit stop
before we do the schlep.

Okay.

- Randy, we're peeing.
- Okay.

Do these make me look cool?

How about these?

One of my goals is to take

a more active role in decorating
our apartment, if that's cool with you.

Oh, yeah.
I mean, mi casa es su casa.

It's kind of Randy's casa now too, huh?
Since he's there all the time.

How's it going with you guys?
Is it getting serious?

I don't know. Maybe.

I'm trying not to think about it.
I just really wanna live in the moment,

not think about the future at all.
Eckhart Tolle kind of thing.

But wasn't he a little scary
when he was on shrooms

and he kept talking about k*lling people?

Yeah. But then the next day,
he was just sweet, cuddly Randy again.

So... yeah, I blame the mushrooms.

Okay. And you like him?

Yeah. I love that he's so kind.

And he has lot of free time, which is nice
at the beginning of a relationship.

And I just like
that he likes being around me.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Don't you wish you were with somebody
who could take care of themselves?

I mean, so many guys...

What makes you think
he can't take care of himself?

So, like, you and Gus are going well,
and now you're a relationship expert?

Forget I said anything.

Parfait? Parfait, anybody?

Parfait. Fresh banana.
Fruit. Kiwi. Berries.

Treats by Kev. Just google it.

I'm the man for any
of your catering needs.

Anybody pregnant? I k*ll baby showers.

Kevin, look at you!

- Back to the hustle, huh?
- Dude, I gotta.

How else am I gonna leave
a good impression?

- I know. I know.
- What about you?

Shouldn't you be
sniffing around for another gig?

Oh. No, no, no, no. I, uh...

I think I know
what my next job's gonna be.

Arya's got a couple of movie offers,
so... knock on wood.

God damn it, man.

I wish I had a nice little white girl
to hang out with.

Well, everybody needs
a little white girl, right?

I don't know.
I don't necessarily mean that.

- Hey. Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Hey, can I talk to you for one second?
- Yeah.

Sure. Totally.

By the way, these things are unreal.
They're great.

Dude, spread the word.
Treats by Kev, bro.

Thank you. Let everybody know.

- All right, man.
- Thank you.

I hope this isn't weird, but, uh...
did I see you in an episode of Homicide?

It was, like, Season 4.

- At the wedding.
- The one where the guy got arrested

- at his wedding.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, you were great. Yeah.
- Oh, man, thank you. That's great.

You know, I never wanted Arya
to be an actor.

Really? She's so good.

Oh, she's f*cking great.

But even if you're great, are you really
gonna be the next Meryl Streep?

- I mean, what are the chances?
- Yeah.

Spend her days like all of us,
out there getting rejected

and holding out hope
for that one big payday.

Then Liberty Down falls in her lap.
It's, like, a franchise.

- I don't... I don't know.
- I know. It's so cool.

It's crazy.

She does one movie, works for a decade.

She could pay her way through college.

- Yeah. I didn't realize.
- Yeah.

Denise doesn't think like that either.

- Can you sit down for a sec?
- Yeah.

I, uh...

I don't think anybody knows this,
but, um...

we're getting a divorce.

- Oh...
- Yeah.

Jeez, man, that... that sucks.
I'm... I'm sorry to hear that.

I just get a little worried that I won't
have any say in my daughter's future.

Mmm-hmm.

You're on set with Denise. You get it.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

She can be intimidating.

Yeah, she's a c**t.

You've only done one season with her.
I've done 14.

Yeah.

- It's brutal.
- Yeah.

But poor Arya. You know what I mean?

Her show gets sh*t-canned, uh...

Her parents are getting a divorce.
That's a drag.

Well, hey, if there's anything
I can do to help,

or whatever, you know, I'm here.

Just talk to her.
Be a good influence.

- She likes you. She says she likes you.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Aw, that's sweet.

And I think we both agree
that Liberty Down

is probably the best move
for her right now.

Yeah. All right, I'm gonna scoot.

Oh, okay.

Can I give you this?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Hello? Cynthia?

It's Cynthia from work.

Cynthia, can you hear me?
I'm in a mall.

A mall!

Did you know that the people who build
malls put the escalators at either end

so that you got to walk
by all the shops to get to 'em?

- You know a lot about malls.
- Oh, no. Really?

Yeah.
Malls and casinos.

You guys, I'm so sorry,
but I'm gonna have to go in to work.

Right now?

Yeah, well, Cynthia... Cynthia's
from work, and she's got the flu,

and she was meant to be running
a microwave popcorn focus group today,

but now I'm gonna have
to go cover for her.

- Crap.
- Go.

- Mickey and I can do the returns.
- Really?

- You'd do that for me?
- Of course. Anything for Bertie.

You okay with that, Mickey?

Yeah. I'm just wondering
how we're gonna get back without your car.

We can Uber.
You have an account, right, Mickey?

Um...

- Yeah...
- Okay, great!

I think this will be good.
You two are gonna have fun together.

Okay.

Sorry. Thank you.

See ya.

Bye!

Bye, Bertie.

- You wanna get something to eat?
- No.

How about, like, a pretzel or something?
Something quick.

- And you're all set.
- Thanks.

My roommate and I
went a little crazy the other day.

Cool, right?

What are you gonna do
with a filing cabinet?

You can put anything in there.

You can put clothes and paper and food,
if you want. And it's really cute.

That'll be $39.99.

Oh!

- Thanks.
- Debit or credit?

Credit, please.
It's my first real piece of furniture.

- And you're all set.
- Thanks so much.

I think I'm gonna put it
right in my living room.

It looks like R2-D2.

No.

- Arya?
- Gus!

- Oh. Hey.
- Hey.

- Arya's not here.
- Okay, I'll just... I'll come back later.

Uh, no, no, no. Nope, come here.

- I need to talk to you for a second.
- All right. Okay.

- Look...
- What's up?

I am really sorry about all that craziness
that you witnessed this morning.

- That was... You know.
- Oh...

No, that's okay.
I understand how that stuff goes.

And I think you should finally know
that Steve and I are splitting up.

- Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.
- Yeah.

- No, well...
- That's a shame.

I mean, we were not really a great fit.

Ahh, no, I feel like you guys,
you know, started dating,

you got married, right?

Come on, we were young.
We were having a great time.

The sex was...

Oh, well, we don't need
to get into all that...

- Yeah, well...
- right now.

every time that I tried
to break up with him...

- Mmm-hmm?
- ...he would get me so...

I mean...

you know, like, hard.

- And it was... I mean...
- Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

- Mmm-hmm.
- beyond.

- Yeah. No, that's romantic.
- And he still does.

Oh. That's sweet.

But everything else
is a f*cking nightmare.

- Mmm-hmm.
- I mean, you cannot raise a child

with a man like that.

- You know? No.
- I imagine not. Uh...

So do you know where Arya went, or...

Oh, please don't tell Arya anything, okay?

- Oh.
- She doesn't know anything

- about the divorce yet.
- No, don't...

- Not a word. Okay.
- Yeah, I won't say anything.

I have a favor.

All right.

- Lowlands.
- Okay.

- Liberty Down.
- Ah. All right.

So Arya trusts you.

- Mmm.
- I want you to read both of those

and just let Arya know what you think.

I think you'll see what I mean.

Yeah.

Um, okay. I just...

I'm a little worried
it's a busy day today.

The last day of production and all.

So I don't know if I can dig into these,
like, right now. But...

- Gus?
- Mmm-hmm?

You can do this for me.
For us.

Okay, uh...

Yeah. No, I... Let me get at it.
I'd be happy to.

- Good. Yes, thank you.
- It'll be great.

- Great.
- Okay.

There it is.
The dining terrace. Let's go.

No. Dude, I'm hungry, too,
but I'm so tired. I want to go home.

My blood sugar's low.
I... I really need to eat right now.

- It's bad if I don't eat.
- Can we eat at home?

It's cheaper anyway.

I hate home food.

What? That's normal.

Now who's gonna pay for this
dining terrace food, by the way?

- I am.
- Oh, really?

Or is Bertie?
'Cause I know that she lent you money.

- She told you that?
- No. I saw it. Or I heard it.

Dude, you're in my house.
You're always in my f*ckin' house.

How much money did she give you?

How much?

$850. It's for my rent.

$850?

I thought she gave you, like, 100 bucks.

And you took it?
What the f*ck's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

Really? 'Cause you're 30,
and you don't have a job.

Bertie just got here from Australia,
and now you're gonna bleed her dry?

- No, I'm not.
- Really?

I like Bertie.
She's my friend.

Well, you're runnin' a nice scam
on her right now.

- It's not a f*ckin' scam, Mickey.
- It is a scam.

And I know it 'cause I've done it.

You don't think I've gotten guys
to pay my rent?

I dated one dude, I got him to buy me
all these expensive clothes.

I'd just e-mail him links,
and he'd buy me the sh*t.

Well, it's not my fault, okay?

I get these little side jobs, but it's
hard to hold down a job full-time.

And there's no jobs left
in this f*cking country anyway.

Ask anybody here!

Oh, really? 'Cause that person has a job.
Job, job, job, job, job!

You're literally surrounded by jobs.
What's your excuse?

- Fine!
- Where are you going?

I'm gonna go get a job,

because it's so freakin' easy
to get, right?

Yeah, it is.

You look so stupid wheeling that thing.

Hey. Can I help you?

Yeah, cool store.

I like the stuff you guys sell here.

It's, uh, very sophisticated.
Uh, so are you guys, like, hiring?

Oh, not right now.
We just hired someone, so...

Guess you're out of luck.
Can we go, please?

Can I talk to a manager or something?

I'd really like to have a job today,
if possible.

Yeah, sorry. Um, the manager's not here.

Okay, but she says
that there are jobs everywhere.

And, uh, you know,
I know a lot about selling stuff,

and I'm a great team player.

Do you have any retail experience?

I sell my plasma sometimes, so...

Yeah, that doesn't count.

Um, this job is about, um, personality.

Well,
I have an awesome personality.

People tell me that all the time.

They say, "Randy,
your personality f*ckin' rocks!"

Okay. You made your point, all right?

Okay, can I just leave my e-mail
and my name?

And then when a job opens up later,
you contact me and I come in.

Uh, I don't think so, man. Sorry.

Please. I can sell these little
funeral clothes to kids, okay?

It's not for funerals.
Kids don't wear these to funerals.

Then what do they wear these clothes for?
To get b*at the sh*t out of in school?

Please leave.

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa. Come on, dude.

- Oh, dude. Come on.
- We'll go when I'm ready.

- What are you doing?
- I hate this store and I hate you.

You know how long it takes
to arrange those things?

No, because I don't f*ckin' work here!

We're going! Come on!

You're gonna regret this, man.

You're gonna regret
not hiring Randy Farquaad.

I... Oh, come on, dude.

- Now you showed him.
- Have fun picking it up.

Don't tell him your name, you idiot!

That's not my name.
It's the evil prince from Shrek.

Yeah.

No, I'm still here.

No.

I'm not wearing this dress.

But you were wearing it
in the first part of the scene.

The part we already sh*t.

It makes me look old.

- Why can't I just wear that one?
- That's Heidi's.

Well, uh, her character's dead.
Why can't it just be mine?

No, Arya, it can't be yours.

Now, listen, you know how this works.
It's a continuity thing.

I'm not putting it on.

You're gonna put that dress on.
You're gonna sh**t your final scene.

You're gonna rock it.
And then once you're done,

you can just go off
and do whatever you want. Okay?

I hate this place.

- Sorry about them cutting the order.
- Don't even...

Hey, Arya.

You decided what movie you wanna do?

Nope.

See, now...

I was flipping through these scripts,
and I gotta say Lowlands is pretty good.

Are you kidding me?
They're both awful.

One's a mindless action movie,
and one's a derivative indie.

They both suck my ass.

All right. That's...
an astute way of putting it.

I was just reading them,
you know, 'cause...

I don't know. I'm worried about you
with Witchita ending, right?

You must be freaked out.

I could not care less.
I've always hated it here.

- Well, what would you wanna do next?
- I don't know.

Be a normal kid.
Go to school. Have a boyfriend.

I should be smoking and making out,

not standing here
with a bunch of 50-year-olds all day.

Hey, Arya.

Like him.

Why do I know him?

Okay. I see where you're coming from.

I get how it'd be a bummer for you, okay?

Nobody cares what I think.

Hey, I care what you feel, okay?
Don't say that.

No, you don't.

You just want me to work
so you have a job.

Hey, I could get a job without you, okay?

I just prefer to have a job with you,
'cause you're cool, all right?

But you should do what you want, okay?

Whatever you decide,
I'll... I'll support you.

Well, if I don't support my parents,
they're gonna go bankrupt.

They're always fighting about money.

Well, your parents can be a little cuckoo,

but... if you told them
what you just told me,

they'd be cool with it.
Promise.

Or...

you could tell them.

I don't know,
'cause I kind of feel like

if you did it,
it'd be a good learning experience.

You'd learn how to fight your own battles.
I don't need that experience.

Come on, I'm paying you.
You can do at least one thing.

Besides educate you?

Well, that's obviously not working.

So, uh... I know why you don't like me.

I... I know I'm pathetic.

The thing is, I really like Bertie.

She's so funny and hot...

doesn't mind having me around.

I think I borrowed money from her

because I know I'm gonna
f*ck things up sooner or later.

So... might as well be sooner.

Nah, dude.

Me, too.

I'm worried I'm gonna f*ck up things
with Gus every single day.

What if I fall off the wagon?

Or I do something crazy?
Or I'm impulsive, or...

I mean, he wants me to get better
so badly, but what if I can't?

You know? I mean, I...
I f*ck everything up.

So why not Gus, too, right?

Well... you never know.

This time, maybe Gus does something
really dumb and ruins everything.

- He can be a real idiot sometimes, so...
- That's true.

Or maybe nobody will screw up,

and you guys will be happy
for a long time.

- It could happen.
- That'd be cool.

Here. You...
you can give this back to her.

I... I don't deserve that.

It's okay.
She wanted you to have it.

You won't let me
in her life.

You don't let me in her account.

I can't call her agent.

- No.
- I'm not allowed.

I am the one that does everything for her.

That still
doesn't answer the question.

I'm fine...

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

- Is it a good time?
- Not really.

Never is, right?

Okay, so here's the thing.

Um, talked about it with Arya,

and we decided
that the best thing for her to do

after Witchita is...

nothing.

She doesn't want to do either movie.

She just wants
to take a break from acting,

and, um, you know,
I think she just wants to be a kid again.

And maybe...

it's sort of our job to do the right thing
and look out for her.

Arya, is this something you really want?

Yes.

Okay, then.

I'm okay with that.

Great. Yeah, I think
this will be good for everybody.

In fact, it's perfect.

I mean, Lowlands doesn't start
sh**ting for another three weeks.

We can... we can go to Hawaii.

We can get mud baths,
get totally blissed out.

And then you can come back,
and we'll be so relaxed.

- And...
- Are you serious?

- What?
- She's not doing Lowlands!

She just said she doesn't want to work.
Are you stupid?

The kid says, "I need a break,"

and you come up with that sh*t?

You decide
to parent for one day

- and you think you know what's best?
- Well, because you don't let me near her.

Why don't you let me near her?

Are you worried that I might see
all the scamming and scheming

- as you steal all her money?
- Oh, no...

God! Shut up!

Stop! I know what's going on.
I know you're getting a divorce.

God damn it, Gus. Really?

Are you serious? He didn't tell me!

I can hear you guys! I'm not stupid!

I heard you. I heard both of you.

Honey, listen.

Obviously, we love you so much.
It's nothing to do with you.

And if it were up to me,
I would have told you months ago.

Oh, my God, are you really
trying to score points with...

Will you shut up? Shut up!

I don't even know
what we're arguing about.

Just tell Sam that I'll do both.
We'll figure something out.

You can come with me to Liberty,
and you can come with me to Lowlands.

Okay? And Gus can come to both

to teach me the stupid sh*t
I don't need to know.

Are you satisfied?

I'm cool with that.

- Fine.
- Done! Go!

I guess you have two jobs now, dipshit.

Thank you.

- Bertie, Bertie, what's up?
- Hey, how are you?

- How you doin'?
- I'm good.

They stuck you with the popcorn?

Yeah, the most boring possible thing,
right?

- That sucks.
- What you got today?

Um, juicers.

So dumb.

I thought you had the day off today.

Oh, yeah, but Cynthia
asked me to cover for her.

- She's got the flu.
- Cynthia?

She just posted,
like, six pictures on Instagram

from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Yeah, she ridin' rides,
playing Quidditch, drinkin' butterbeer.

Oh, man, hold on.

So you mean she's out there having fun,
and you're here stuck doing popcorn?

Oh, man.
She took you for a ride.

Why would she do that to me?

Probably because you always say yes.

No, I don't. Do I?

- Bertie, you're a total pushover.
- I'm not a pushover!

I mean it in a good way.
That's why we like you.

You... you do what people ask you to.
You're great.

Well, she's a bitch! That's right.

I'm sorry to say it,
but that's what Cynthia is,

and I think we can all agree.

I don't need a focus group to tell me
that Cynthia's a royal f*cking bitch!

Do you like Cynthia?

Uh, I mean, she's... No... no...

No, I don't think you do, because
she's a total f*cking bitch, right?

And guess what?

She's never even read Harry Potter.

I've read it. I've read them all twice.

That's seven books twice.
That's 14 books.

She's never even read it.
She's not even enjoying the park.

Good luck with the juicers.

Okay.

You Mickey? I'm your Uber driver.

Actually, uh,
I think I'll stick around here.

How you gonna get home?

I don't know.
I'll figure something out.

But, uh, will you take my filing cabinet?

Hey.

Hey.
So, uh, I've been thinkin' about it,

and, uh, I feel bad
taking this check from you.

Oh. Uh...

Don't feel bad.

- You sure?
- Yeah, positive.

Keep the check.

As long as you're cool with it.

So, uh, should I come over?

Oh, um...

maybe not, actually.

I just had such a long day,
and I'm so tired. So...

Yeah, no, no, that, uh...
that makes sense.

Uh, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow?

Yeah. Definitely.

Talk then. Bye.

Bye.

Elise, you've taught me
everything that I know.

How to be a woman,
how to be a witch...

even how to flirt with boys.

Bobby never did ask me out,

but... if he does,
you'll be the first one to know.

Goodbye, my cousin.

Goodbye, Elise.

Goodbye, sweet witch.

We are dust and shadow.

And now, I must leave Witchita.

I must leave home
and venture into the night

with only my instinct
and my seven senses to protect me.

Farewell, Elise.

Farewell.