03x01 - Palm Springs Getaway

[bunniefuu]

Okay. First of all,
it's none of your business.

- This is a letter from my attorney!
- Ooh, she's mad.

Look at Jeana.

Give it to my attorney.

- You can see the anger rising.
- Here's your letter...

Oh, "Stay out of my life."

- That is a hurt person talking, Mickey.
- Crazy.

Oh, my God!
We just saw the craziest thing.

This old guy and this girl,
they were arguing over something and...

We couldn't tell
if it was a man and his daughter,

or a man and his very young girlfriend.

Is it her dad or not?

We couldn't tell, but it was so funny.

- Yeah, that's great.
- Funny.

We were just trying to watch...

- We're watching the show.
- Oh. Oh, sorry.

- Watch.
- It's okay.

It's fine, it's okay.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.

Who's that?

Uh, Tamra. That's Tamra.

- ...me? ...you.
- What? Wait,

- who's that?
- Oh, my God.

That's someone's,
uh, sister-in-law.

Bitch.

Okay, this is awesome.

Can you pause while we get snacks,

and maybe we'll see
if there's something else on, whatever.

I thought this was a classy party.

Uh, sure.

Why can they not ever stay
at his place?

- What kinda snacks do you have?
- Let's have a look.

Yeah.

Oopsies!

Sorry. Everything's okay.
I think, maybe not. We'll see.

Tell you what, why don't we get out
of town this weekend, huh?

Just go somewhere, do something fun?

Want to go to Palm Springs?
I'll take you.

So funny. It was incredible.

What's that about Palm Springs?

- Oh, nothing.
- Nothing.

Scooch on down.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Scooch, scooch, scooch.

Get on the scooch-scooch train.

- All right.
- Right?

Nope. That's all I have.

Are we good? Okay, we're fully scooched.

What was that about Palm Springs?

- Nothing, it... Nothing.
- Yeah, nothin'.

- Really, what were you saying?
- Oh...

Uh...

We were just sayin' it'd be fun to go
to Palm Springs some weekend

for a little getaway, just the two of us.

Holy sh*t. My cousin.

He owns this house in Palm Springs
and rents it out.

He's always telling me
that I can stay there for free.

Do you two want it?

- Um, yeah, we'll think about that.
- We'll think about it. Thanks.

- Think.
- Thanks.

It's f*ckin' huge. I've been there.

It's, like, a luxury home
with, like, a pool and...

Wait. Brain fart.
Why don't all four of us go together?

The original four.

It'd be my way of saying thanks
for the times you let me crash here.

So, what do you guys think?
Are you in or...

- Um... We'll do it.
- Sure.

Yeah, the four of us.

- Yeah.
- Oh, great.

- Very fun.
- Palm Springs, baby. Here we come.

- Okay.
- Fun, right?

Yeah!

- Go, Randy.
- Go, go, Randy.

- Randy, you have such a beautiful voice.
- Yeah, Randy.

Aw.

Thank you, you guys.

Randy, thanks so much for your generosity.

- Yeah, thank you, Randy.
- Yeah, thank you.

Aw. Well, it just makes me happy
to make you all happy.

That's why I bought
those fireworks and that drone.

- Oh, my gosh. Really?
- Uh-huh.

That'll be fun.

You guys are gonna flip out
when you see it.

I mean, it's mega big.
One of the rooms feels like its own wing.

- Oh, I can't wait! It's gonna be so good.
- Ooh. Dibs.

Hey, how close are we?

Huh. Funny. My phone says
we're really pretty much there.

Can I see your phone?
Okay. Wow.

Yeah, that's weird. The house is here,
but then Palm Springs is...

Over here.

Oh. Yeah, well,
the house isn't like smack dab

in the middle of "Palm Springs"
Palm Springs.

More like Palm Springs' cousin.

Okay. It says the house is in Hemet?
Hemay?

How do you say that?

How did your cousin say it?

He always just said,
"Really close to Palm Springs."

- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah, but it's not.

Fun fact, this is the town
where meth was invented.

This is the bad part of town.

Oh, yeah.

Pretty cool, right?

Yeah, very, like,
alternative cool.

Yeah, I... I like it.

I like it. I like this big yard and the...
With the...

How the driveway goes into the yard.
Very cool.

Let's go in.

Okay, here it is.

Oh!

My little oasis in the desert.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Wow!

Nice.

Nice.

- Okay.
- I like it.

Yeah.

So who owns this place?

Well, at first, it was my aunt's,
great aunt's.

Her husband d*ed in this train accident,

and so she married this other dude,
and that other guy d*ed.

And then my great aunt d*ed.

And now my cousin just rents it out
to random people.

Uh...

Is anyone super hot? I'm boiling.

- Yeah, it's pretty warm.
- Yeah, yeah, but no worries.

'Cause Casa Del Monahan has AC.

All righty, you're gonna have
to put on a coat after this.

What the f*ck?

Weird. It doesn't look
more than ten years old.

We can sweat all we want.

The beads can run down our face
with this entertainment system.

All right, the TV has power,
but we may not get The Bachelor.

We can watch it when we get home, right?

Master bedroom.

Dibs.

This is the guest bedroom.

Mmm!

Cozy.

Ah, the master bath.

This is the pool.

Jesus, uh, I'm sorry, guys.

Ah, bear, it's okay.

I talked up this place
like it was a f*ckin' Taj Mahal,

and it's really just a huge dump,
and I'm really sorry.

Uh, buddy, come on.
Don't b*at yourself up.

My f*cking cousin catfished me
with this house, man.

f*cking assh*le.

The last time I got catfished,
I promised myself,

"Randy, you're never getting
f*cking catfished again."

And here I am, a big, f*cking fat catfish
in front of a f*cking disgusting pool.

Hey, come on. You know what?

Why don't we all go inside?
We'll unpack, settle in, relax.

- That sounds good. Yeah.
- Yeah.

And then, maybe in a bit,
we can take a dip in this, huh, buddy?

- What do you think?
- You sure?

This water looks suspicious.

No, what? Because of a little rainwater?

A little moss? Some black sludgy moss? No.

Yeah, yeah, it'll be fun.

Oh, definitely.

Hey.

Are you mad at me?

You can be mad at me. It's fine.

It's not your fault.
We both got pressured into this by Randy.

Randy kinda sucks right now, huh?

All I wanted was for us
to have this nice weekend together.

Plus, I feel like

if we don't have a good time,
he's gonna have a total nervous breakdown.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I think we can do that.
- Yeah.

- You stay positive, I stay positive.
- Okay.

Right? We'll be a force together
and we'll ride this out, okay?

Yeah, 'cause we're indestructible.

We're invincible.

Yeah. You're no match for us,
f*ckin' Hemet.

Next time I see my cousin,
I'm tackling him.

This summer
is my grandma's 100th birthday,

and I swear to God, I'll tackle
that fucker as soon as I see him.

And I know he'll be there.

I'll tackle him in front
of my whole entire f*cking family, okay?

Cool. What is that,
like a Bluetooth thing?

Yeah, I hook up the speaker to my phone,

- and I play it off my phone.
- Awesome.

- Yeah, it's cool, huh?
- Yeah.

I got this little waterproof minicam.

Ooh! That's awesome. We should use that.

- You want to use it?
- Yeah.

- We could do weird stuff underwater.
- Yeah.

You did a nice job cleaning this.

Yeah. It looks clean enough.

- Oh! Oh!
- sh*t. sh*t. It's freezing. f*ck!

- It's ice cold.
- Oh, f*ck.

Aw, f*ck.

f*ck.

- Oh, God. Ah!
- Oh, my f*cking God. f*ck!

- Ah. Not so bad.
- f*ck.

- I'm getting warmer.
- f*ck.

Your speaker sounds really good.

It's a small unit,
but it's got a really good woofer.

The treble and the bass,
they blend really evenly.

It's all about EQ. God damn, f*ck me!

I feel bad for Randy. He's so embarrassed,
but it's kind of no big deal, right?

I mean, it's kind of like glamping, right?

It's all good.

Plus I feel like
I sh*t-talk Randy too much,

so I'll try and pull back.

Okay, thanks.

Now you do me.

Okay.

That felt funny.

Hello? Excuse me?

Hi, sir. Can we... can we help you?

Maybe you could turn down
your insufferable f*cking music?

Oh.

I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was so loud.

I can hear you down in my workshop.

Know where my workshop is?

It's in the g*dd*mn basement,
so I would say it's too loud!

What's going on in your basement?

Making a skinsuit out
of a bunch of runaway girls?

Randy, shut up.

This neighborhood
is not gonna put up with your bullshit!

It's still too loud. Turn it down!

It's okay. It's at a two!

Well, then turn it to a one!

What are you doing swimming anyway?

I mean, this ain't Grindr.

I know what I did seems
crazy, but I felt like I was on a train

- going in the wrong direction.
- Jell-O's pretty good.

It sounds like it's good.

- Mom, will you stop that?
- It is.

Yeah.

I know it's pretty static-y,
but I'm proud I got it working, huh?

What? Did I give birth to you?

Can you be quiet?
I'm trying to watch it.

Mom, I've got to be more than just a...

There's an oozing in there, too.

Damn it! We could order new matchbooks?

Liz, you're just not...

Maybe you could have swallowed the Jell-O
before you drink the Pepsi?

The guy's a wank.

Okay, he's a wank. But he's a rich wank.

- Hey.
- Gus.

Your script is really good.

What? No.

It's like Rear Window, but better.

Wow, I don't hate hearing that.
That's cool.

I was nervous to read it.
What if it sucked?

But I would totally see this.

- Yeah?
- I'm really impressed.

Aw.

That's very sweet of you to say.
Thank you.

I get it, though.

If it'd been bad, you'd be like,

"Oh, boy. I have to share this bed
with this f*cking dope."

You want to have sex?

- Okay.
- No, it's just...

It's nothing against you.

- I swear to God.
- Mm-hmm.

It's not you,

just the thought of being naked
on these sheets in this room

with, like,
whatever's crawling around in here.

Yeah, no, I understand.

- You get it?
- I totally get it.

Okay.

- I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Okay.

Just take care of business, pee-wise.

Be right back.

Just want this for Snood.

Bertie. Bertie, you hear that?

What?

- You hear that?
- Come on, I was asleep.

Listen.

Sounds like a sex moan.

Why?

Is that Mickey and Gus?

Definitely not. Gus does not sound
that confident when he's having sex.

Oh, the speaker's still on.

What the f*ck is going on?

Gus's phone is still hooked up
to the speaker.

Oh. Oh, my God.

- He's skipping forward.
- What does that mean?

He's almost done.

f*ck. sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Did I wake you up?
- No, I've been awake.

Oh, you've been awake.

Did you hear anything?

No.

You didn't hear, like,
an animal or a creature?

A creature?

No?

Yeah, I was in the bathroom,
and I heard an animal or a creature,

or like a team of creatures
or critters or something.

I got scared that maybe you were scared.

No, no. No creatures.

Okay. All right, well...

- Good night.
- Good night.

Man, this is what vacation is all about.

I feel like a lemon floating
in a big glass of iced tea.

You guys hear something?

Sounds like a party. Want to go?

Yeah, I'd be down for that.
That'd be cool.

Let's do it.

Oh, I don't know.
If we're not invited, it might be rude.

Okay, let's go.

- Hey.
- Come on, Randy, let's go.

Hey, one of you guys has
to fish me out of here.

Bertie.

Just use your arms and legs.

No, I need a stick.

Hi, great to see you.

- Hi.
- Hello. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- This is good.
- This seems like good people.

Hi. Are y'all here to deliver the ice?

Oh, no, no, we're here for the party.

Oh, you are, okay.

And how do you, um, know Ellen?

Ellen. We're such fans of Ellen.

Oh. Well, aren't we all, right?

- Hi, I'm Holly.
- Hi.

Hi.

So, listen. Make yourselves at home.
There's some appetizers over there.

And if you need anything,
just holler for Holly.

Oh!

It's fun, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Oh, Sheryl!

- Let's go.
- Great.

So, um, we should just go, right?

I feel like Holly's put a lot of effort
into making this event happen.

Let's just stay for a little bit, please?
You could say whatever you want.

Pretend to be somebody else,
see what happens. Who cares?

Oh, sh*t, yes. Air conditioning.

That may be the fun "Mickey" way
to do things,

but as I've told you before,
I'm a very bad liar.

What I'd like to do is to leave this place
and go back to the house

and get drunk there.

Bertie, calm down, it's fine.
Everyone lies in America.

Holly's a liar.
Trust me, nobody is that happy.

Gus, come on.

Um, just so you know,
you're getting a lot of looks.

Let me just stand here
for a second.

Feels like a snowman is sitting
on my face.

Cool.
Oh, they're already talking to people.

Could we go hide in a corner somewhere?
I really hate it here.

Oh, come on, Bertie-bear,
let's have fun with it.

Like Mickey said,
we can pretend to be other people.

Fine.

I've always wanted to be in the arts,
so I'm gonna say I'm a hairstylist.

Perfect.

- Let's get a drink.
- Okay.

No, it's true.

There is no bigger defender
of the Second Amendment,

or the rights of the unborn
than Judge Gow.

Uh, Judge Gow?

Judge Ellen Gow.

She's retiring, that's why we're all here?

- Yes, of course.
- He's confused,

because we always call her Ellen.

She's real silly,
and people don't know that about her.

No.

When we're hanging out we have to say,
"Hey, order in the court for you, lady."

- I've never seen that side of her.
- Are you relatives of hers?

No, I clerked for her.

- Oh. So then in San Diego?
- Wow.

Yes! That's where my brother and I live.

- Oh, you're siblings?
- Yeah.

- How nice. That's great.
- Yeah. We both live in San Diego.

Love San Diego.

It's great when you live in a city
with your sibling.

You always have somebody
to go to dinner with.

- Yeah.
- That's true.

Yeah. It's so great. He's my baby brother,
but now we're best friends.

That's so lovely.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I know. We used to fight so much...
- Oh, my gosh.

Now, fightin's the last thing we do.

- Yeah.
- Oh, wow.

What is it you two do?
What's your line of work?

Uh, hedge funds.

Oh. What is that? It's always over
my head. What's a hedge fund?

Um, so, basically, let's say you have
a lot of money that you want to invest.

Your judge money that you win
in your court battles

or if you sell flower dresses.

It's a whole thing.

It's complicated.

But can I just say,
you have got a gorgeous head of hair.

It is really lush, and full,
and it looks beautiful. I love it.

I agree. It's some
of the best volume in hair

that I've ever seen
on a woman of your stature.

Which is a good stature.

And I should know what I'm talking about,

because I'm actually
a celebrity hairstylist.

Tina Arena, ever heard of her?

You might not have,
because she's mainly in Australia.

But she's also very popular in France.

And she's got beautiful hair, like you.

And she's tough to work with sometimes.

But you get the scissors out,
and she knows who's boss. It's me.

It's a wig.

- Oh, my God.
- Um...

Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

We're both really sorry, so we'll just go.

Thank you for the party.

Sorry about everything. Goodbye.

- And I said, "I feel kind of unsafe..."
- I'm so sorry.

"...without knowing
if there's a g*n in the room."

- We'll meet you at the house.
- Oh. No.

Sorry, bye. Wait! Wait! What's wrong?

I feel like a jerk. You made me a jerk.

I didn't want to do this,
and you pushed me,

and now I'm a jerk. Jerk.

I'm sorry. I...

It was supposed to be fun.
Nobody got hurt.

Feelings were hurt, Mickey.

Ugh, whatever. I want
to go back to the dumb house

and take off this stupid bra.

No, Bertie.

Just say
you don't like the house, Bertie.

Randy, who gives a sh*t at this point?

I know you don't. Say it's a letdown.
It's worse when you pretend.

Fine. This house
is a huge f*cking letdown.

- Okay. Harsh.
- No.

You asked me to.
You told me to do that.

You begged me to say what I thought.

Well, the fact that you said it
after the fact's much worse.

Oh, my God, you are such a f*cking baby.

Bertie, I have a rule that I don't go
to bed angry,

but you leave me no choice.

Good night.

Sweet dreams.

What? Oh...

Oh...

Randy? I've got some weird bites
on my arm.

- Are those spider bites?
- It's nothing. Go back to sleepy.

Oh, my God,
there's a big f*cking lizard in here!

Yeah, it's supposed to be here.
We're in the desert.

- This is their world, not ours.
- Oh, my God,

do I have f*cking lizard bites on my arm?

A lizard wouldn't bite your arm.

They go after something meatier,
like your leg.

It's probably just a spider or a tick.

Why did you bring me
to this place full of vermin?

I don't think those are vermin, actually.
I think vermin have to be mammals.

Why can't you just be
a good boyfriend for once?

I'm an awesome boyfriend.
Maybe the problem is your standards.

Bertie. Bertie, I really am sorry.

This will go so much better for you
if you leave me alone right now.

I'm trying to apologize.

Look. I'm really sorry, okay?
Come here, give me a hug.

No! I need to not see your face
for 20 f*cking minutes.

You're always next to me.
Let me freak out.

- Right next to you? Wow.
- Yes.

- You're always in my space.
- This is awful.

- This is amazing.
- You never give me any time alone.

You're always at my house.

Wow. f*ck. Wait, hold on, Mickey,
do I spend too much time at your place?

Oh... I feel like
this is a you-and-Bertie thing.

Oh, no, tell him if you have an opinion.
Go for it.

You're at our place a lot. Yeah.

- f*ck you, Mickey!
- Hey! Dude! Don't say "f*ck you" to her!

I put together
this f*ckin' awesome weekend for you guys,

and then you come
at me like a f*cking assh*le.

You want me to thank you for bringing us
to this sh*thole? This place sucks!

Hey! Only I'm allowed to tell Randy
this place sucks.

Hey, Randy, this place sucks!

And I knew it was gonna suck
as soon as you started talking about it.

We should go.

- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah...

Oh! I'm sorry, Mickey.

Someone else gets a bit dramatic,
and you can't handle it?

All I wanted was for us
to have a weekend by ourselves,

and somehow we still got stuck
with you two!

That's f*cking bullshit.
Gus, help me out here.

- You know, I'd rather not get involved.
- That's f*cking typical.

You haven't had my back
since you started dating Mickey.

Okay, why don't you deal with Bertie?

Deal with Bertie?
Deal with this, you fuckwit.

Hey, you're the fuckwit.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Hey, f*ck you! f*ck you, Gus.

You're in our house as much as Randy is.

You always take the good parking spot.
You always leave your jacket on the couch.

And I hear you having sex all the time.

"Oh, I'm gonna cum.
I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum."

Just f*cking cum already.

What makes you take you so f*cking long?

Are you sick? Is your d*ck broken?

What's going on, Gus?

Why do you have to build it up
for so f*cking long?

It's not the next f*cking Star Wars movie,
you nerd!

Oh, and by the way, we all heard you
jacking off to p*rn last night.

Oh, Bertie,

- I told you...
- And guess what. It sounded gross.

Okay, so what? I was watching p*rn.
But it's not like I was jacking off.

You weren't jacking off?
That's so much f*cking weirder!

f*ck all of you!

No, Bertie!

Oh, God.

You okay, buddy?

I just want to fly my drone
before we leave.

Okay.

Wow.

Are there rules,
like when it becomes a spacecraft?

I don't think it ever becomes
a "spacecraft."

Uh, no, it does, actually.

It can't go above, like, 400 or 500 feet
before it's designated a spacecraft.

Or maybe five miles.

Bertie, I want to film this thing,
where it starts really high up,

where you can see all the trees and...

- I think it's gonna...
- Oh, sh*t.

You see the mountains and the trees

and then it slowly comes back down

- to Earth and...
- sh*t. It's still...

You see the two of us,
and we're softly kissing each other.

Then it was gonna come up really close
to our faces,

and I was working on the special effects
where it could go inside of our bodies.

And it would, like, go down within us,

and you'd see our stomachs
and our guts and our innards.

Then you'd see my heart.

And it was b*ating faster,
because I was kissing you.

I don't want to do that now, thank you.

- It's still...
- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, sh*t!
- What the f*ck!

Let me tell you losers something.

I got a right to protect my property
and the airspace up above it.

Hey, assh*le. You sh*t my drone.

How the hell do I know what was
in that drone?

They make drones today to k*ll people.

I watch the news. I know Saudi Arabia.

That's very unrelated
to what's happening here.

Yeah, dude, I feel like
you're being unreasonable.

- I will f*ck you up.
- Okay.

All right.

- Okay!
- Okay.

You get the hell out of here.

- Yes.
- And good Shabbos, f*ckers.

- Great.
- Oh, my God.

- Jesus!
- We should go.

- I want to go home.
- I'm with Gus, let's go.

Wait till I move the suitcase
before you make the bed.

Knock, knock, knock. Hey.

- Ready to leave?
- Hi. Oh, very ready.

- Never more so.
- Yeah, we're packed.

Um, don't steal towels
if you were gonna do that.

I don't... We weren't gonna do that.

Randy, I know things kind of got weird
at the end,

but I just want to say,
um, thanks for having us.

Yeah, no problem.

Okay, I've been thinking.

It's not fair to let that assh*le neighbor
run us out of town, right?

We deserve to have fun
for one second of this trip,

or it'll suck forever in our memory.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay.

What are we supposed to do?

Well, do you still have those fireworks?

- Oh, sh*t.
- Go! Is it lighted?

- I don't know.
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh, my God! Go!

Go! Oh, my God!

Hey! What the hell do you think
you're doing?

- I'll get you! I swear to God I will!
- Oh, my f*cking God!

Oh, my God.

Whew!

Wow.

- You could have blown your hand off.
- Relax.

Is it cool if I stay
at your place tonight?

Randy, what was I just talking about?

I know, but, look, I don't want
to go back right to my place,

and then, you know...

We should spend
the night together, Bertie...