03x02 - Winners and Losers

[bunniefuu]

Mmm.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Oh, God, I've got bad morning breath.

I don't care. I like your morning breath.

- I like yours, too.
- Yeah?

- Is that gross?
- Mnh-mnh.

- Are we totally gross?
- No.

I missed you.

- When?
- While we were asleep.

I missed you in sleep.

Oh, my God. You're such a little mush.

You're the mush.
You just don't want to admit it.

I gotta wake up.

Waking up sucks!

Hey, so, what's the plan for tonight?

'Cause I was just thinking about going
from work to the bowling alley.

Does that work for you?

Yeah, I figure we could
just meet Syd and Jeff there.

Hey, Mickey. Quick question.
Is one of my balls hanging out?

- No.
- Thank you. I appreciate your honesty.

- I think that's what makes this work.
- Yep.

You!

I have to get ready!

Are you hungry? Do you want me
to make you some breakfast?

Would you make me
a blanket burrito?

Oh, do you want
a little breakfast blanket burrito?

One order coming right up.

Oh, somebody's hungry for a little
breakfast burrito, sizzle, sizzle.

- Want salsa on it?
- Mm-hmm.

Sour cream?

Little egg?

Mmm.

Micks, you're wearing my shirt.

Yes! I saw it in the dryer,
and I thought it looked so cute.

Is that okay?

It's great because I've actually
been looking all over for it,

and now I know exactly where it is.

Yep. There it is.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Whoa! Did any of you guys hear those cats
fighting outside last night, man?

What? No.

They woke me up. They were so loud.
These cats were hashing it out.

Cats can get pretty noisy.

You're telling me.

That's my fruit.

It's really good. Thanks.

Cats are weird, man.
Did I tell you about my cat Zip?

This one time, I thought
she was fighting this other cat.

I went to tear 'em apart,
but it turns out Zip was having sex.

Yes, you've shared that gem before.

When I pulled my hand away,
it was covered in all this weird goo.

Great. I can start my day
now that I've heard about cat jizz.

- Well...
- Can you move in a little?

All right.

Squeeze play.

Man. Who shoved a pole up her ass today?

- Don't say that.
- That's not fair.

Okay, sorry.

- Have a good day.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

See you, dude.

I'm kidding!

Where are we?

The basement
of the old department store.

Hey, guys. This way. In here.

Are you sure we're safe here?

I promised I'd keep you safe, right?
So, yeah, we're safe.

You're all witnesses. The...

I'm sorry. I can't.
All this blood all over your face, dude.

Arya, you're doing great.

Annie, we have to get this
while the blood looks fresh.

- Sorry.
- Jesus!

Stay in the scene
so we don't have to do it again.

f*ck! What was my line?

"You're all witnesses.
That means we're all in this together."

We're all in this together.

"We're all witnesses!"

We're all witnesses. That...

I'm sorry, I can't!
It's coming out of your nose.

It's funny. It's good.

- Say your f*cking line!
- Oh, my God. Okay? Chill out.

Jesus! Cut!

Cut! We are resetting!
All teams in here please.

Arya, you cannot call cut!

Whatever, I just did it!
This is a continuity nightmare!

Let's go, everybody!
Move in here.

Look at my aunt. It's our first day back
at work. She's already stressed.

- She'll catch shingles again.
- She must be stressed with this retool.

- Hey!
- Ow! What?

Don't say the word "retool," okay?
It's a reimagining.

Very important to Susan.

No, it's called
"doing everything not to get canceled."

They're putting the show
in present day,

adding teenagers and monsters.

Are you serious? I love the changes.
Arya, playing her own granddaughter,

fighting monsters in the present day.
That rules.

When they said mummy,
I got, like, super excited.

Can I borrow your pom-poms when you're
done waving 'em around like a cheerleader?

Susan Cheryl's not around
to hear you kiss her ass.

Oh, my God. Whatever.

I guess I could be negative
like you guys, but I don't know,

my thing is if you put posi-hivity out
into the world,

then you get positivity back.

- What's "posi-hivity"?
- "Posi-hivity"!

I misspoke. You know what I meant.
I said "positivity."

You distinctly said "posi-hivity."

- How should we know what that means?
- I heard it.

You knew what I meant.

If you imagine you want
a good parking spot, you'll get one.

You don't have to explain positivity
to me, dude.

I spent $100 on mindfulness apps.
I know what I'm doing.

f*ck the haters, man.

No, it's fine.

- Can you keep a secret?
- What's going on?

This is my last teaching job.

Look around.
See the show we're making?

- This is everybody's last job.
- I'm serious.

Six more months of kids neglecting me
while I teach the US Constitution,

- and I'm out.
- Sound like a solid plan.

- Oh! I'll be right back.
- Cool.

- Evan.
- I don't have time right now.

I know. I wanted to get you something.
A little welcome-back present.

- Wow!
- They're noise-canceling headphones.

Next time you're sick of hearing me,
you can pop those on.

Thanks. This gift is really intense.

Oh. Well, you're welcome. I just...
I wanted to start off on the right foot.

- Cool.
- Cool.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- All right.

Okay, we're gonna have a good six months.

Okay.

f*ck me.

Would you wanna do as a topic,

when that girl talked about
getting horny while on her period?

- I loved that. It's true. I do.
- Me, too. Nobody talks about it.

Sounds like some real feminism
at work here, huh?

Whoo! Getting that
millennial perspective, right?

Uh... Or when that woman talked about

how her husband can't get hard
on their honeymoon.

- We could turn that into something.
- That could be a whole episode on...

I'm doing a thing on impotence today.
You might wanna steer clear of that.

Well, actually, we talked about it
on our show first, so...

So, what? You don't own impotence.

No, but I heard that you do.

f*ck.

Relax! There's gonna be some crossover
with our shows. It's fine.

Apparently, there's a lot!

Last week, I did a whole thing
on withholding orgasms.

I tune into your show the next day,
big surprise.

"Today's topic: Withholding orgasms."

Or whatever you called it.
"When Your Bae Won't Cum."

So you think that we're stealing from you?

I'll just say this. If imitation
is the highest form of flattery,

well, then I'm very flattered. Okay?

All righty. You have to keep this
between you and me for now.

Oh, juicy.

Starting next week, Dr. Greg's show
is going from two hours to one.

- Be nice. Okay.
- Sorry.

- It's just cut in half. Wow. Okay.
- Yeah.

And that hour is going to another show.

Your show! Yours! Stella's!

- What? Really?
- It's great. It's the best news ever.

Wow!

Does Greg know yet?

No. I like to give the good news first.
Warms me up for the bad news.

- Do you want me to tell him?
- You don't mind?

Do I mind telling Greg
I'm taking an hour from him?

No, not at all.

Hey, I'm Jayke. I'm from Texas.
I'm excited to be part of the show.

I love clothes.
I also love music. I write it.

All right. Cool.
That's great. Jayke.

Now you just toss that ball.
Just toss it to somebody.

Marina. I'm from Vancouver.

I don't know.
Brooklyn's teaching me how to drive.

- It's not going amazing.
- Yeah. You suck.

I wouldn't talk. You ran over a cat.

- Oh...
- What?

Uh-oh.

- Arya?
- I'm Arya.

And as someone who has been
in Gus' classes before,

I can tell you that
we do not do anything here.

We just waste time
until we're needed on set.

And since this is not a real school,
it does not matter if you try or not.

- Not funny. Yeah.
- Damn.

Good to know.

Wait. Who has read the script
for the next episode?

Yeah, I read it.
There's, like, flying and stuff, right?

Bunch of wires.

We all get to fly?

Yeah, everyone gets to fly except Arya.

Doesn't matter. I've done wires before.
It's a pain in the ass.

I had to do it
three days in a row on Liberty Down.

Very subtle name-drop
on the big movie you were in.

Hey.

"I'm Arya.
I had to do this movie Liberty Down.

- God, it sucked."
- Okay, guys, all right.

"I had to work with Brad. Bradley Cooper.
But he's really nice.

He's, like, so cool.
We text all the time."

Enough goofing around. I'm a goofball too,
but let's not be disrespectful.

If all of our characters get to fly,
why doesn't Arya's?

Susan said it's because
my character's still too young.

She hasn't developed
all her "witch" powers.

- That makes sense.
- Oh, my God...

Okay. All right.
Let's leave Arya alone for a second

and just jump into some math.

Hey. Uh...

- Truman said you wanted to see me.
- You're gonna wanna shut the door.

Yeah. Okay. Sure.

- Have a seat.
- Okay.

What's going on?

- They're cutting an hour from your show.
- Wait. Why? Who said?

The bosses from Subzero in New York.

There's no warning? I lose an hour?
Who's getting it?

Okay. Here's where it gets awkward.
Me and Stella.

- What? f*ck off now!
- Okay!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh.

- I get it.
- Get what?

I knew this was gonna happen.
I saw all the signs.

- It all started with the posters.
- The posters?

My poster was the first thing you saw
when you came into the office.

Then it was replaced by Stella's poster,
and now, it's next to the bathroom.

Ten feet away from a f*cking toilet!

I think you're being paranoid.

Congratulations, Mickey.
You have taken an hour away from me.

- I didn't take your hour away.
- You didn't?

No, your ratings
have been dropping for months.

- I'm sorry! It's not my fault.
- See you later.

You never listen to me!
I tried to tell you.

You gotta switch it up.
No more canned calls.

Then you'd go, "No, you get
on the phone and..."

You win! You win!

Have fun winning the rest
of your very short life

after you relapse!

That was amazing.

On behalf of the office,
I wanna thank you.

- I think he lost the rest of his hair.
- He did not take that well.

Your energy's weird. I'm gonna go.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I agree. I agree 100%.

I don't like that idea,
but I agree with the first thing you said.

I mean, we can try it.

If it doesn't work, we cut it. Right?

Yeah. Okay. All right. Will do.

Bye.

What were we talking about?

Oh! Right, right. Um...

I need you to start coming in earlier
to teach. Like, six a.m.

We have so many kids and have
to start front-loading our days.

Yeah. No, I wanna make you happy.

So, whatever I can do
to be of value to you...

Your value is that you're a pushover
who doesn't get in my way.

Don't f*ck up your best quality.

Okay.

Can I borrow her for a second?

All right.

- Do you want this open...
- Closed.

- Jesus.
- Jesus Christ.

What the f*ck?

- He got me a gift. Headphones.
- What?

Like it's our anniversary.

- God, he triggers me.
- Yeah.

Something about his face.

For me, it's his voice.
He's just such a cloying, needy little...

Hey.

Tough first day, huh?

You've had a bad day?
I'm stuck in this sh*thole.

God, they won't let me do a voice
on Trolls 2.

You know, Arya, just some friendly advice.

You should be more grateful
for everything you got.

I'm the assh*le
for not appreciating my money?

Jesus, have you seen the other kids?
I'm a parent's dream compared to them.

In a month, they're all gonna be living
at Charlie Sheen's house.

Pretty sweet setup. I'd take it.

Whoa!

Hey, honey. Sorry, I'm late.
They kept me at the gate.

Oh... Cool new car.

The studio gave it to her.

They want her
to do the Liberty Down sequel.

The movie hasn't come out yet,
and it's testing off the charts.

But you're not old enough to drive.

It's not like they'd give me a bike.

Okay. Well, you have fun
in this dope new ride.

Can't wait to see you behind the wheel
when you turn 16.

I won't drive a two-year-old car.

We'll donate it to Planned Parenthood.

Buckle up, babe.

Let's go.

- Bye, Gus.
- Bye.

♪ Party people
Your dreams have now been fulfilled ♪

♪ Get your ass up, and let's get ill ♪

♪ That's right, y'all
We're more than rough ♪

♪ We callin' your bluff ♪

- ♪ And when it comes to rhymes ♪
- ♪ Yo! ♪

I recognize it's a little confusing

for somebody to follow my filmography
because, say, you really think

The Grinch or Willow is a blast
and a great fantasy movie or something,

- how are you gonna feel about Frost/Nixon?
- Right.

- Hi, guys!
- Hey, girl!

- Hey. Aw.
- Hey!

I'm so happy we're doing this.

- Hi.
- Hi. Good to see you.

Can't believe how fast I got here.
I thought it'd be forever,

but today everything was a green light.

It was like bing, bing, bing.

We did the HOV lane, so...

Honey, Jeff,
I'm not trying to embarrass you...

But you're gonna.

Why the shorts?

We're playing sports.

Let's just... Anytime we leave the house,
big boy pants. Just as a rule. Okay?

Do you remember when people used to wear
bowling shoes out? Like it was a thing?

Totally. I was always too scared
to steal bowling shoes.

My thing was I used to steal meat.

When I first met him,
I had a sausage stuffed in my leggings.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hi!
- Hi, Gus-Gus.

- Hello. Hello. Hi.
- Hey, buddy.

- Hello.
- Hey!

Get that outta there. Come here.

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.

Sorry I'm late.

There was work and traffic...
I hope you weren't waiting for me.

It's cool.

- We weren't waiting.
- Good.

- Should we do it? Let's bowl!
- Let's do it.

- Get your shoes.
- My shoes!

All right. You go, girl.

What?

What are you talking about?

♪ Come on, think about it ♪

♪ Sometimes
I hate that you know me so well ♪

♪ Sometimes
I hate that you know me so well ♪

♪ Some days
I wish that I wasn't myself ♪

- ♪ No ♪
- ♪ No luck ♪

- ♪ No ♪
- ♪ And I hate that you know me so well ♪

♪ Sometimes
I hate that you know me so well ♪

♪ Sometimes
I hate that you know me so well... ♪

Whoo!

f*ck you! f*ck you! I'm gonna do it!

f*ck you! f*ck you! f*ck you! Yeah! Whoo!

Syd! Thanks for asking us to hang.
This is so much fun.

Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?
Thank you. You make us feel cool.

It's mutually beneficial.
You make us feel like a grown-up couple.

Oh, I know. Us on a couples' night
with a married couple?

I think we're doing good.

How long has it been now?

What has it been? Like, five, six months.

I don't know.
I've been sober for three, so...

We've known each other five or six months.

We've been boyfriend-girlfriend
for a couple months.

So you're in the best part.

Everybody knows that the best part
of any relationship is six months in,

because then you're not freaked out
because you know you like each other.

everything's still new,
ad the sex is really hot.

I would say that we're in the part
right before the best part.

- Which is maybe the best part.
- Mmm.

I wanna punch you guys so hard
in the face.

- Eight pins, guys.
- What?

Eight pins.

- You bowled?
- My turn.

Hey, I need to go.

Oh! Mickey, I forgot to tell you.

I listened to Stella's show,
and it was awesome!

Thank you, sweetie.

Yeah, did you guys know?
Mickey's k*lling it at work. Big time.

Good for you!

Thanks. Yeah, it's funny
how things are weirdly working out.

I thought it was cool to fail.

People who tried at work were losers,
but I am now. I don't care.

This is the most success I've had,
and I love my job.

Congratulations on being a big loser.

All right!

- Okay.
- Hey!

Gus, how's work?

- Great! Work's... Yeah, it's really great.
- Cool.

Oh, my God! I got a strike!

- f*ck, yeah! Whoo!
- What?

So, Mickey says that you've been
writing some screenplays?

Yeah, I'm tryin'. It's a little tough
to break in, but I try.

What's one of your faves?

I guess the one I just wrote, yeah.
The idea was...

Well, I really like erotic thrillers,

but one thing
that's a bummer about those

is that they're usually r*cist
or sexist or just problematic.

So what I'd like to do

is try to bring the erotic thriller
into a new era.

- It's cool, Gus.
- Yeah.

Cruikshank. This is Evan.
I need you to call me back pronto.

As in not two hours from now.
Got it? Thank you.

It's your turn, Gus.

- It's your turn.
- Oh. Yeah. Great.

Get 'em, Gus!

Knock those pins! Yeah!

Whoa!

- Yes! Yes!
- Whoa!

f*ck, yes!

- All right.
- We should do this again sometime.

- Definitely.
- That was fun.

Okay. All right.

- Okay.
- See you at the house?

- I'll be right behind you.
- Bye!

I'll call you.

Um, wow.
Thanks for calling me back late, dude.

Yeah, sure.

I know you're supposed to have the day off
tomorrow, but that plan is f*cked.

We need you to come in
for the six a.m. classes.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Nope. Totally cool.

- Thank you.
- Bye-bye!

Get your beauty rest.

f*cking piece of sh*t. Fuckhead.

assh*le! Look around you!

Was he texting?
m*therf*cker was texting! f*ck!

Hi, Grandpa.

- ♪ Oh, sh*t ♪
- ♪ Oh, sh*t ♪

♪ Oh, sh*t ♪

- ♪ Oh, sh*t ♪
- ♪ No! ♪

♪ Oh, sh*t ♪

♪ Oh! Little Sally Walker
Sittin' in a saucer ♪

♪ Oh, how I tossed that ass up ♪

♪ Like a mission in the woods
Woody Woodpecker would... ♪

Dipshit!

Dipshit, roll down your window!

What's the problem?

You cut me off!
You were looking in your phone!

I glanced at my phone.
My wife texted me.

That was not a glance!
You were looking at it!

I watched you through my window
staring at it!

f*ck off, man!

You realize you're not alone
on this planet, right?

You realize you share this planet
with other f*cking human beings.

You should be considerate
of other f*cking...

You're oblivious! Don't turn away!
Don't roll up that window!

Don't you
f*cking roll that window...

Roll down that window!
Roll back down that f*cking window!

I'll f*ck your wife!

♪ One fine summertime Sunday evening ♪

♪ Crenshaw Blvd. was in full swing ♪

♪ Perfect example
Of how looks can be deceiving ♪

♪ Rolled up to what I thought was
A pretty young thing ♪

♪ Rollin' in a purple Samurai Suzuki ♪

♪ Dookie braids was an aid
To her sex appeal... ♪

f*ck!

Ah!

- Moron, get out of the f*cking road!
- What?

Oh, f*ck. Oh, God.

f*ck.

Hey.

- Where have you been? What took so long?
- I just stopped off at the store.

Little traffic, so...

But...

Got you some ice cream.

- Got a little ice cream for my Micks.
- Aw.

- You're the best.
- No, I'm not.

Mmm...

I went to the grocery store,

and they didn't have
the mint chocolate ice cream,

so I went to another grocery store.

And on the way, there was traffic

at one of those sobriety
checkpoint things...

I'm familiar.

Yeah, then there was construction,
and I was trying to get here,

and they rerouted me
because my regular route I couldn't do,

and it was one
of those frustrating nights.