03x05 - Bertie's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

Okay, sorry. Hello, family.

Let's find the surprise.

Where's the surprise?

Here's the surprise!

- Surprise!
- Granny!

Oh, my gosh.

- Oh, Grandma, I miss you.
- Hello, lovey.

Bertie, blow out the candles.

Oh, well, now, you know I can't,
'cause I'm not there.

- I hope you don't want me to...
- Blow on the screen!

Well, okay.

Bertie, what are you going to do
to celebrate without us?

Oh, um...

I don't really know.

Um... But I think Mickey's got
something planned.

I'll probably just spend some time
with all of my friends here in LA.

There's always something great to do here.

So, it's gonna be good.

I'm so jealous. I wanna come visit.

But Mom says if I go,
she has to come, too.

- It's not fair.
- No.

Oh, well, what's wrong with that?

A mom and her two daughters
doing lovely things in LA together.

- Oh, how cool would that be?
- That would be really cool.

Um, anyway, guys,
it's been so nice chatting to you,

and I'm happy to see you,
and I love you so much,

but I do really wanna get a little bit
more rest before my big day of fun.

So I'm gonna have to say
goodbye for now, okay?

- Bye, Bertie, I miss you. I love you!
- Your Uncle Basil d*ed!

Bye.

Hey.

How'd you sleep?

How did I sleep?

That's a little creepy.
Seems like a kinda personal question.

I was just trying to have
some normal breakfast conversation.

- We're out of toilet paper.
- Then buy some.

Ladies should choose
the toilet paper they want

because you have to use it
in two different areas.

Just tell me what you want,
and I can get it for ya.

Good morning, everyone.

- Guess whose birthday it is today.
- Uh, Dakota Fanning?

- Oh, wait. That's in February, right?
- No. No, close.

It's me, Bertie Beverly Bauer.

"Sweet as honey
'cause she's got three Bs."

- That's what Daddy used to say.
- Bertie, happy birthday!

Holy sh*t. Happy birthday!
I feel bad I didn't know.

- I'm usually on top of that kind of thing.
- Oh, you are? Hmm.

I'm sorry. Why didn't you f*cking tell me?

I would have gotten you a stripper

to come serve you breakfast in bed
or something.

Oh, didn't I mention it?
I guess, my mistake.

It's my first birthday in America.
Yankee doodle birthday!

I was hoping you guys
would join me celebrating tonight.

Oh, sh*t. Bertie, I wish I could,
but I can't tonight. I got...

This is kind of embarrassing.
I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Dr. Schnittman fit me in
at the last minute.

It's really hard to get an appointment.

He's the best in the West.

I have to chug
this gross, gray drink all night

to clear me out for the procedure.

You turn into a faucet,
and things pour out of you, basically.

I have to be close to a toilet.

Schnittman says don't go
more than ten feet from a toilet,

or there's gonna be some sort of disaster.

And you're gonna be sh1tting all
of that out at our place?

Yeah, in the bathroom.

So you're definitely buying us
some f*cking toilet paper.

Yeah, I'll get you toilet paper.

Oh, before I forget, can you drive me
to my colonoscopy tomorrow?

Absolutely. That's fine by me.

Bertie, I'm so sorry. I can't, either.

We're interviewing this sex worker.
Tonight's the only night she can do it.

No. No worries, really. It's my fault
for not alerting you earlier.

Um, well, that's fine.

I'm gonna go start my year off right
by going to Bar Body,

where I'll be toning my thighs
and mayhaps my buttocks. So...

- My bag.
- Oh.

Yeah. Bye.

Happy birthday, Bertie!

Press your lower back down,
hold on behind your thighs,

extend your legs up to a diagonal.

Keep going. Exhale. Exhale.

Okay, no hands touching. Thank you.

- A little up. A little down.
- Oh, okay.

- Yes, out. And in.
- Great.

- Two more times. Up.
- I got it, I think.

- Down. Okay, out...
- Thank you.

- Lift up.
- No.

Switch. Curl. Switch. Curl.

Soften your knees more.
Draw your shoulders back. Tuck. Tuck.

Keep going. Just 50 more. Curl.

- Pull your abdominals in. Lift...
- That's okay.

You don't need to help me. Thank you.

This guy seemed nice.

He was tall and not bald,
which never happens on Tinder.

Uh-huh.

I always match with these short, fat guys
who have no money.

But this guy, he was handsome.
He was smart.

- We go to this new Italian place.
- Uh-huh.

- Oh, girl, hello. It was really good.
- Yeah.

- So, I planned on going home, you know?
- Mmm.

- But, well, to make a long story short...
- Too late. Kidding. Kidding.

- Good morning.
- So...

Clayton!

- What's up?
- Hey!

Bye, Sandra. So great to chat.

- How are you?
- Good. How about you?

- I'm really good. It's so nice to see you.
- Yeah, you too.

- Hey.
- Hi, take it easy.

- Bye, Sandra!
- How you doing?

I have a bit of news.

- What's up?
- It's my birthday.

What? Happy birthday, Bertie!

I went for a big, crazy weekend
with all my besties last weekend.

We went on a big pub crawl.

But it seems kind of weird
to not do anything tonight.

It's your birthday.
You gotta do something.

I was wondering if you would like to go
for a drink after work or something?

Oh, man, like, I would love to,

but my girlfriend is real strict about me
not having any female friends.

Right. Tight leash. I get it.

Yeah. She says it'll lead
to emotional affairs

and then, ultimately, that leads
to f*cking. She's not wrong.

I don't have any platonic friends.
I'm an extremely sexual person.

If it's in front of me,
I'm probably gonna f*ck it.

Not what I was doing here.
But it's a no. That's cool. I get it.

But you have a good time.
Enjoy your birthday, B.

Thank you so much. I will.

- All right.
- It's gonna be fun. Whoo!

If anybody's wondering,
I do have crab legs,

which is probably why it's so hard
to keep my pants on.

Just having fun.

I'll be back to check on you.
All right? Great.

- What's up, guys?
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you hear?
He went with the crab legs joke again.

God. He's like a walking dad joke.

If I'm working here when I'm 30,
light me on fire.

And what the hell is he smiling about?
His life is so sad.

I know.

Do you remember
when he brought his parents here?

- How excited he was?
- He was so happy.

- Pinot noir.
- All right.

And welcome to the Smoke House.

- Oh, you're here.
- Hey!

What are you doing here?
I wasn't expecting you.

You coming over tonight?
I can steal tiramisu from the kitchen.

- There's, like, tons.
- Uh, hey, babe, just a heads-up.

Tom is about to stop by.
He wanted to have lunch here.

What? Why?
You told me you guys were separated.

You said he doesn't respect
your spirituality.

We're separated.
We will be separated. Whatever.

I tried to get him to go somewhere else,

but he loves
the f*cking onion blossom here.

Who doesn't? It's our signature dish.

- This is gonna be awkward as...
- Hi. I'm so sorry.

I got so caught up. I apologize.

Could I get a bourbon, neat, please?

Oh, you'd actually go
through the bartender for drinks.

- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.

- Uh, can we start with a...
- Uh, an onion blossom?

I'm a psychic, so...

I'm playing with ya.

- She told me that's what you want.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll put that in for you.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry I'm late. How's it going?

- Good.
- Good.

So, bad news.
They don't have the moon roof...

Oh, God.

Enjoy.

Hey! Bertie, you showed up.

- Hi!
- That's so cool.

Well, I love cake, and I love free things.

And come to think of it,
free is my favorite flavor.

Yeah.

Uh... You know what?
Let's get you a table.

- Follow me. We'll talk to the hostess.
- Great.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday
Smoke House's favorite customer ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

You want me to sing
"Happy Birthday" backwards?

- Um, okay.
- Okay.

♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to... ♪

I'm just being dumb.

Well, I love it here.

It seems like the kind of place

where someone would get gunned down
by the mob,

and wind up face down
in a plate of lamb chops.

- Right?
- It's really cool.

Yeah. It's a celeb hangout, too.

We're actually sitting
in the George Clooney booth right now.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, as legend has it,

this is where he was sitting when he
got the call that he had booked ER.

Wow.

Yeah, I mean, if these walls could talk,
like, they would be like, you know,

"Lots of stuff has happened here!
All the big-time guys hang out here."

I have to admit I had, like, this fantasy
that for my first birthday in America,

I would have a big party,
and there would be a celebrity there.

Not like a Kardashian,

but maybe someone
from The Bachelor or a CSI show,

and I could get a selfie with them
and send it to my family back home.

Apparently, when they were
filming Batman Returns,

um, Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer
and Danny DeVito

would often have dinner here.

Apparently, Danny DeVito
never broke character.

He was always the penguin.
He would order as the Penguin.

- That's so cool.
- Yeah.

What else do you got planned
for your birthday?

Oh, um...

It's gonna be fun, I think. It will be...

I'll probably meet up
with some other people,

and we'll go and have, uh...

go in a limo,
go for a pub crawl or something.

Or maybe none of those things,
'cause I don't have any more plans.

- What? Bertie, it's your birthday!
- Yeah.

You gotta do something fun
on your birthday.

I'm doing something fun tonight.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I would love to have company
if you want to come with me.

Aw...

- Yeah, okay. I think that would be great.
- That's awesome.

What's up, Mike?

He did that on purpose.
We have a whole thing.

He's the weird one.

Friggin' Mike.

This isn't part of the adventure.
I gotta get gas.

- Got it.
- Okay.

All right.

I'll be right back.
Do you need anything from in there?

Uh, chewing tobacco! Lots of it.

- Just kidding.
- All right.

Is this weird?
I like to pay inside.

I just try and find human interaction
wherever I can in LA.

That's a cool idea.
I'm gonna do that next time.

Right? Life hack, bitch!

Sorry, the "bitch" isn't directed at you.

Oh, no, I get it.
The universe is your bitch.

Exactly. Okay, I'll be right back.

- Bye.
- Okay.

It's pumping.

- It clicks once it's done.
- Okay.

- After you.
- Thank you.

- Chris!
- I know, right?

Yeah. You gotta wait for it.

Oh, my gosh!

This is probably one
of my favorite things,

probably of all time.

Is this where you come to dance
when you're sad,

like Kevin Bacon in Footloose?

No!

Oh, wow!

What is this?

W818, the best of Van Nuys wrestling!

Oh, my God. This is crazy!

I love how in LA the best stuff is always
in the most unexpected places.

Like, there'll be really good sushi
in a weird strip mall.

That's the only example
I can think of, actually.

You're the first person I've brought here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm honored.

Suck it, Chris' other friends.

Right?

- It's scary.
- Hey, my man!

- Hey! What's up?
- You made it!

Hey, what's going on? Hey!

Oh, have you guys ever met Bertie?

This is Frank and Allan
from the Springwood.

- Hi.
- They introduced me to this place.

Kind of like Springwood royalty.

- Oh, well, very nice to meet you.
- Stop.

- This place is amazing.
- Isn't it great?

Sit down. We got seats for you.

- Let's go.
- Thank you.

They got wrestling here.
They sh**t p*rn down the block.

Very versatile neighborhood.

And surprisingly good schools.

Chris, is tonight the night you're gonna
go up and show us what you got?

- Nah...
- Nah.

Every month he comes
and chickens out on the action.

Who is that guy? He seems really good.

Oh, yeah. That is Colin Follenweider.
I worship him.

Who is that?

Okay. She is awesome.
She calls herself Mayday Marge.

Oh, she should be called Marge in Charge.

Oh, yeah, right?

Or Sarge Marge 'cause of her outfit.

Holy sh*t! You should tell her!

Okay, I will.

Actually, she looks a bit scary,
so I don't want to.

k*ll her! k*ll her! f*cking k*ll her!

k*ll her!

Holy sh*t, Bertie.
You've been screaming all night.

You got a real fire inside you.

Oh, my God.
Colin Follenweider is walking towards me.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Listen to you.

Two hours ago, you had no idea who he was.

Two hours ago, I was an idiot.

Hi, Bertie. I heard a rumor

that you need a picture taken
for a very special occasion.

It's not a rumor. I told him.

- He told me.
- Mr. Follenweider, I would love that.

Can you take it on my phone?

Let's get the ring in the background.

Good idea.

- You can call me Colin.
- Okay, Colin.

- Can you do a move on me for the photo?
- Yeah. I call this the sleeper.

Epic! One, two, three.

- Got it.
- I gotta get back to the ring.

- I hope you have a great birthday, Bertie.
- Thank you so much. Break a leg.

Someone else's.

Thanks, CF.

- That was incredible.
- Right?

Oh, my God. I'm texting that
to my mom right now.

- I'll get us beers.
- Thanks.

Yeah.

Hey, what's up, Rex?

Excuse us.

Thank you.

He's Scottish.

- I love it.
- Yeah.

But, man, Australia, huh?
What even gave you the balls to move here?

Ah.

Okay. Why I Left Australia
by Bertie Bauer.

I had this boyfriend. And we had known
each other since we were in year seven.

And I worked at this flower shop Petals.
Very chic flower shop.

I drowned thousands of maidenhair ferns
while I worked there.

But, you know,
I was there for eight years.

Wow.

And one day, I just flipped out,

and I decided I wanted
to move over here and start over.

So I told my boyfriend
that I'd gotten a job over here,

which, as you probably guessed, was a lie.

And, yeah, I just wanted to get away
from him and from my apartment

and my old life.

Sorry.

No! Good for you.

I mean, you're here now, right?
That's the cool part.

That flower store sounded cool, too.

Yeah, but now I've just settled
for another kind of comfortable situation.

Oh, I remember you said you...

have a habit of doing that
at Mickey's work thing.

But, I mean, Randy seems
like a good guy, right?

- Oh, yeah. I didn't mean...
- Yeah.

- I wasn't necessarily talking about that.
- Oh, yeah.

I just mean, I wanna try new things

and have more exciting nights like this
and jump off the top turnbuckle of life.

Dude, me too! Like, oh, God...

Look at me. I'm such a wimp.

I've been coming here for months
and haven't wrestled once.

Well, why not? You should try it.

Excuse me. Hi.

Hi. Does anyone here by any chance
need someone to wrestle with tonight?

Whoa!

It's Cremator time!

Hey, Keith! You suck! Big time!

What'd you say?

Oh, you didn't hear?
Maybe you need a hearing aid!

I said, Keith the Cremator sucks!

My little niece Julia
hits harder than that,

and she's only five!

Keith's coming for him, everyone!
This is unplanned!

Watch out, Chris. Control your mind
and you control your body.

- Keith, tear his f*cking balls off!
- Keith the Cremator sucks!

Keith the Cremator sucks!

Keith the Cremator sucks!
Keith the Cremator sucks!

Keith the Cremator sucks!

All right, big mouth, you so tough?

Get in this ring and show me what's up!

- Who, me?
- Yeah, you!

All right. You got it, pal!

Ladies and gentlemen,
W818 Van Nuys Wrestling presents

Keith the Cremator
versus an audience member!

You messed with the wrong dude!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Why don't you pick on
somebody your own size, buster?

Take it easy.

It's getting hot in here!

He picked him up by his face!

Cremator time, baby!

♪ What a day for a daydream ♪

♪ What a day for a daydreamin' boy ♪

♪ And I'm lost in a daydream ♪

♪ Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy ♪

♪ And even if time ain't really
On my side ♪

♪ It's one of those days
For takin' a walk outside ♪

♪ I'm blowin' the day to... ♪

The winner is...

- Let's go check him out!
- Oh, my gosh!

Keith the Cremator!

Oh, my God!

Chris, that was so good!

I really felt like you had a long,
uncomfortable history with the Cremator.

Holy sh*t! That felt amazing!

You know what I did?
I thought about Mike from the steak house.

Guy doesn't even memorize the specials.
That's so f*ckin' lazy, right?

- That was awesome.
- Thanks, man.

I'm proud of you!

Oh, sh*t. You got blood.

Huh? Huh?

I'm bleeding? Oh, my God, I'm bleeding?

Holy sh*t, my first battle wound!

You better stay away from vampires,
'cause they're gonna tear you up.

Hilarious, Bertie.

All right. Come on, let's go.

- You do look cool.
- Yeah?

Like a brave soldier
with a very small cut on his head.

Ah, I'm still pumped.

Phew.

I needed that.

It felt like a little push
in the right direction or something.

Now I can't seem
to shake Mike from my brain!

Oh, sorry.
Is it really that bad with this guy?

I feel like a lot of the waiters there
think I'm a joke.

I moved to LA to be a stuntman,
and I'm not even close to doing it at all.

Chin up!
You got pushed through a table tonight.

Yeah, I did.

I don't know.

I've got three months left
on my lease at the Springwood.

Part of me feels like
maybe I shouldn't renew it.

You're thinking about leaving?

Maybe it'd be easier
to move back to Chicago

and not have to pay $2,300 a month
in rent.

Holy sh*t! I thought you lived there
because it's cheap.

No, that place is a paradise.

You do realize all those apartments
are fully furnished, right?

Listen, you've got three months left
on that lease. Let's make them count.

You're not leaving LA

until you've given it a real sh*t
as a stuntman,

and I'll try to do something new and cool
in that time, too.

Like go back to Bar Body.

I really hated it,
but I paid a lot for the classes.

- He's... He...
- Oh!

That happens sometimes in here.

- I don't care. It's cool.
- Very casual.

Well, thank you for the most
action-packed birthday ever.

Awesome night.

How about a birthday hug
and then I'll let you go?

Okay.

Oh, Bertie, wait.

I didn't get your number.

Yeah.

You want to do that?

- Let's swap numbers.
- What the heck, right?

- Do you wanna just punch it in?
- That's easy.

Here you go.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Happy birthday again.

- Thank you. You made it so fun.
- Oh, yeah. Thanks for coming with.

- And get home safe.
- You, too.

Thanks.

- Night!
- Bye.

Bye.

Randy?

Hey, Bertie.

What is all this?

I wanted to give you something special
for your birthday, but...

since I was trapped in the house all day,
I had to Postmates this cake.

That is so nice.

- It melted a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.

I also bought you some fresh toilet paper.

But I had to open it
and use some of it, so...

Oh, wow!

It smells so good in here.

Yeah. I lit all your scented candles
because of, you know...

the sh*t smell.

I'm sorry I couldn't hang out
with you today.

Happy birthday, Bertie bear.

Aw... Thanks, bear.

What are you gonna wish for?

Oh... I can't tell.

Otherwise, it won't work.

I wished for...

my colonoscopy to come back positive or...

you know, everything to come back good.

Yeah.

Should we eat?

I guess.

♪ And after all's been said and done ♪

♪ Who said it best? Were you the one? ♪

♪ Let's just forget ♪

♪ Leave it behind and carry on ♪

♪ If you should find the time to speak ♪

♪ Then speak to me ♪

♪ I'd never keep you
From your final destiny ♪

♪ So carry on ♪

♪ Into the quiet, I am bound ♪

♪ What you have lost, I've never found ♪

♪ I lost my nerve, yet peace surrounds ♪

♪ So carry on ♪

♪ Into the quiet, I am bound ♪

♪ What you have lost, I've never found ♪

♪ I lost my nerve, yet peace surrounds ♪

♪ So carry on ♪

♪ And now that all's been said and done ♪

♪ Who said it best? Were you the one? ♪

♪ Let's just forget, leave it behind ♪

♪ And carry on ♪