01x05 - Cold Season

[bunniefuu]

[light music]

Are you guys ready for lunch?

Guys, it's 80 degrees outside.

First day of cold season, newbie.

It's when all the icy super villians

start fighting and freezing stuff.

I wonder who's coming
to Charm City this year.

Mr. Freeze, Captain Cold...

- Frostbite, k*ller Frost...
- Mm.

- Minister Blizzard...
- Snow Patrol.

Wait, that's a band, but
they're coming to town.

- Ooh.
- I'm not scared

of a few flurries, okay?
I am from the Midwest.

I know what real cold is.

[laughs evilly]

[eerie music]

[laughing evilly]

♪ ♪

[glass strains]

[glass shatters]

You were saying?

Yep, that's real cold. [laughs weakly]

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

Cold season is impossible to dress for.

It's like a wedding on the beach.

Linen and no socks. Not complicated.

You should get a pair of Teddy's gloves.

Oh.

These?

Designed them myself.

They heat my hands to
the perfect temperature.

They can also defrost your car door

or reheat your coffee.

- Heh?
- Hmm.

Ah.

- That was a soda.
- Yeah.

Anyways, I have some very exciting news.

Is it actually exciting
or is it Emily exciting?

What the hell is "Emily exciting"?

Finding a conflict-free brand of hummus.

Having another shopper at Anthropologie

ask if you work there.

Getting retweeted by Lena Dunham.

She didn't just retweet me.

She quoted my tweet

and wrote "so much this."

Anyways, you guys'll like this.

Wayne Industries is holding a contest

that awards $100,000

to the employee who
comes up with an invention

that, "embodies the triumph
of the human spirit."

Whoa, that is the exact
review I wrote for my barber.

I mean, this doesn't just happen, guys.

- Oh, I know.
- I'm sorry,

you losers talking about entering

the Wayne Innovation Contest?

Excuse me. Who are you?

Zane and Anton,

two Wayne X asshats.

Oh, they think they're so cool

because they work in
a super-elite division

that makes cutting-edge technology

that shapes our future.

That actually does sound pretty cool.

- It is.
- And they get free soda.

- We do.
- Why wouldn't we enter

the Wayne Innovation Contest?

Because no one gives a crap
about Wayne Security R&D.

You make widgets. You're nobodies.

Yeah.

Ugh, our division matters.
We are not nobodies.

FYI, guys, corporate gave
away your parking spots.

So starting next week,
you're gonna have to park

across the street under
the bridge that leaks tar.

[all groan loudly]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Oh.

This child-sized car arrived for you.

Were you expecting a full-size one

or is it because your
father didn't hug you?

My Bugatti is because
my father didn't hug me,

- this is for an actual child.
- But you hate those.

I know, but I'm going away
with Chelsea this weekend

and she's insisting on bringing her son.

Isn't no kids in the agreement
that you make women sign

- before you date them?
- No, the agreement states

that we can't make any kids,

but it doesn't account

for any pre-existing conditions.

[shouts]

It's broken into hundreds of pieces.

- There's a ransom note.
- Those are instructions.

It's in pieces because you
have to put it together.

I can't do this.

You know, Jackie, I'm
gonna need you to...

♪ ♪

Old girl's still got some moves.

I don't know about you guys,
but hearing those Wayne X punks

tells us we're nobodies got me
really excited for this contest.

Oh, it had the opposite effect on me.

I am very demoralized.

- Teddy, what about you?
- [laughs]

Oh, they weren't referring to me.

I think it was more
like Steve, Susan, Wendy.

- Wendy's right there.
- Nah, it's cool.

- I mean, I don't not suck.
- See?

What about your heat
gloves? They're amazing.

Enter those and we could win this.

I mean, my heat gloves would k*ll it,

fo' sho, but I got a
lot on my plate, so...

Oh, sure. I get it.

You know, I built you
up too much in my head.

I did the same thing
with the "Hobbit" movies.

[soft dramatic music]

I am not the "Hobbit" movies.

That sounds like something
a "Hobbit" movie would say.

[gasps]

♪ ♪

I can't argue with that logic. I'm in.

[laughing] Yeah, suck it, Wayne X.

I am re-moralized!

Ooh.

Probably need to make a few tweaks.

Yeah.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Benny! Uh, Charles!

- Uh-oh.
- Oh, no.

He has the look.

The "I'm gonna blow up your day

by making you do some
annoying personal task" look.

Hey, guys. I was wondering...

- Diarrhea.
- Period.

[exhales] Ah, there he is!

Ron John Silvers.

Ron-athan Taylor Thomas.

Linda Ronstadt.

If you have to do that,
I'd prefer Ronda Rousey.

I have a treat for you. I
need you to build this car.

But I was gonna go
sledding for cold season.

You know I love winter.

The thrill of sledding, that is fleeting,

but the joy of obeying

a direct order from your superior,

that lasts forever. [chuckles]

You the man, Ronda.

But, I mean... [sighs]

[playful dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Okay, this is prototype number three,

test number two.

My assistant Emily will attempt

to melt the frost off
this car door handle.

[exhales, sighs]

These cold mornings are the worst.

Unless...

[electronic sizzling]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

And now I can make
it to my grandparents'

50th anniversary.

I could do without the backstory.

Sorry. I'm taking an improv class.

Okay, so we've
mastered low temperatures.

Now, let's heat things up.

[whirring]

[popcorn popping]

♪ ♪

Holy crap. Teddy, these
are a game-changer.

The judges are gonna
see your gloves and say,

Wayne Security is just
as relevant as Wayne X

and the guys who made this is
most definitely not a nobody.

Of course I'm not a nobody,

but you know judges,
they're unpredictable,

and if they were dumb
and they didn't pick mine,

I mean, I'm still obviously

immensely talented and...

oh, my God.

There's still kernels left in the bag.

So what? There's always kernels

- left in the bag.
- Okay, the gloves aren't ready.

There's not an even distribution of heat

and we haven't even checked
to see if you get a rash.

- They are ready.
- They're not,

and I can't submit a
product that's not ready.

It's not fair to the gloves.

But two minutes ago, you just...

There's kernels in the bag, Emily.

There's kernels in the bag!

There's [bleep] kernels
in the [bleep] bag!

[exhales slowly]

What's up, really hot loser?

You guys get your submission in?

Oh, we've got something.

It is just so ahead of its time

we're gonna hold off
submitting it till next year.

Admit it. You're a nobody,

you work with nobodies,

and the best you could hope
for is to marry one of us.

You know what, Zane? You're
gonna regret saying that

because you just convinced us to submit,

and we're gonna win.

[scoffs]

[sighs] It's classic Zane and Emily

will they, won't they.

Why do you look smugger than usual?

Which is already so incredibly smug.

Well, because this
division is going to win

the Wayne Innovation Prize.

I submitted Teddy's gloves.

- Please tell me you didn't.
- Why not?

Let me tell you a little story.

[dramatic music]

Five years ago, Teddy
entered a competition

to redesign the Wayne Industries logo.

Why are you using an ominous voice?

You'll see.

♪ ♪

He threw himself into the competition,

and convinced himself
that he was going to win,

and then when he didn't,
he lashed out at everyone...

[dramatic electronic music]

And started punishing himself.

Oh, come on.

He took to wearing cargo shorts,

switched to an AOL email address,

and used all of his vacation days

- to go to Tampa.
- Tampa?

That's not even the nicest
part of Central Florida.

Anyways, it doesn't matter
because we're going to win.

You better hope so,

otherwise you're about to break Teddy.

[sighs]

[whispers] Tampa.

Stop using that voice.

[playful dramatic music]

- So, Teddy...
- Uh-huh?

I thought your gloves were brilliant...

and I entered them into the contest.

♪ ♪

I told you they weren't ready
and you went behind my back?

- Teddy, I...
- Don't "Teddy" me.

This is the ultimate betrayal.
This is worst than the time

that Wendy bought the
same glasses as me.

- That was awful!
- Okay, hold on!

How would you feel

if I told you you're in the finals?

- I'm in the finals?
- You bet your sweet ass.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

I mean, I didn't even
know there were finals.

I mean, obviously they're dope gloves.

I just didn't know how dope.
Apparently the answer was

the dopest.

Emily, thank you for making me realize

I'm a winner.

Or a finalist. [laughs weakly]

Yes!

There are no finals.
You just made that up.

I didn't know what to do.

I could see it in his eyes,

he was already halfway to Tampa.

It'll all be fine, right?

Mom, Dad, yeah.

I got huge news. No, not a girlfriend,

but you're still gonna be proud of me.

I have a feeling this is
all gonna end with a call

from the Busch Gardens Coroner's Office.

[sighs]

[exhales] It's gonna be cold.

[video chat chiming]

- Ron!
- Van?

I thought you were on
vacation with your girlfriend

- and her son?
- We have a problem.

Evidently, Dylan, that's a girl's name,

and she does not like
that car you built.

You're just trying
to have sex with my mom.

Yeah, we've established
that. Look, I have sent you

a toy Wonder Woman jet.

I need you to put that together

and have it couriered to me.

Isn't her jet invisible?

Yes.

Assembly is gonna be a bitch.

Ron, you have to set boundaries,

and not let people
take advantage of you.

Do you think I would have stopped

having sex in Susan's car

if she hadn't started hiding her keys?

You still have sex in Susan's car.

The point is he is not gonna
stop taking advantage of you

unless you push back, and
if you don't push back now,

one day, you're going to explode.

I appreciate your
concern, but I'm a big boy

and I know when I'm
being taken advantage of.

Fine.

- Hey, can I have your car keys?
- Oh, sure.

Huh.

[light music]

- [groans]
- Hey, loser.

- You wanna go out with me?
- No.

Why would you think that?

Uh, because I've been negging you hard.

All of Reddit said this would work.

What're you doing down here?

We won the Wayne Innovation Prize,

- so we're here to gloat.
- That's right.

What?

[sighs]

She's not that hot.

- She is.
- Yeah, she is.

[soft dramatic music]

[metal squeaking]

♪ ♪

Ron, where's Teddy?

Uh, he called in sick.

Oh, no. He must be devastated.

Wait, no, no, no, no. No!

I just finished putting it together.

[knocks on door frantically]

Teddy. Oh, thank God you're here.

For a second I thought
you might have already

caught a flight to Tampa.

I have been meaning to
check out Busch Gardens.

- What're you doing here?
- I know it must really hurt

that you didn't win the
Wayne Innovation Contest,

- but I just want you to know...
- I didn't win?

You didn't know?

Teddy, who's this?

♪ ♪

Oh... [chuckles awkwardly]

You have guests.

Hello. I'm Teddy's father, Sunil.

This is his mother, Nisha,
and his brother Ajay.

Are you here for Ajay's
going-away dinner?

- She's not.
- Where's he going?

Outer space.

I thought you said
your brother was a doctor.

He's an astronaut and a doctor.

The technical term is space doctor.

What were you saying about
Teddy and that contest?

- Did he win?
- Well, you know,

winning is really just a social con...

I lost, and I'm so glad that
we're all here for this moment

- when I found out.
- Teddy, do you mind

keeping it down? I gotta take this.

This is my apartment, all right?

Your dumb friends can wait.

Mr. President. [chuckles]

Yes, thank you. Thank you, sir.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

Hey.

Hey.

So I just wanna say

I am really sorry.

Don't be. It's totally fine.

It is?

Emily, I'm a grown man.

All right? It's just a stupid contest.

I'll get 'em next year.

Oh. Okay, cool.

Well, in that case, we could
use your help on a redesign.

I would love to take a look at it.

That is a great attitude, Teddy.

You seem fine and I did nothing wrong.

[soft dramatic music]

So, as you can see,

the packaging of this fear gas detector

- needs a little work.
- Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay.

I have a great idea.

What if instead of using molded plastic,

we use...

[grunts]

This hamburger wrapper.

Oh, like a very thin
recyclable material?

Nuh, nuh, nuh. I mean this literal piece

of ketchup-stained garbage

because obviously

Wayne Industries doesn't
appreciate quality

or craftsmanship or
aesthetics whatsoever.

So a garbage company

gets a garbage wrapper.

I didn't wanna say
this in front of Teddy,

but I don't think the
wrapper's a good idea.

[sighs]

That's right, Mr. Sled,

you and I have a date

with the big ol' hill by City Hall.

[goofy voice] You said it, Ron.

Nothing's gonna ruin our fun today.

[giggles]

[normal voice] I love you.

[video chat chiming]

[goofy voice] Don't do it, Ron.

The sled's right.

Nothing good can come
from answering that call.

Oh, you two are just overreacting.

He's probably just
calling to say thank you.

Ronda Sykes.

Hey, thank you so
much for you hard work.

You're welcome, Van.

Ronda, I need you to build four more

of those girl jets you can't see.

Evidently Dylan has a
"squad" and they have "goals."

One of which is posting
pictures to Instagram

with the hashtag
#BitchYouCantAffordThis.

[chuckles] And then
they do this snap emoji.

I'm really coming around on these kids.

Yeah, but I was just
about to go sledding

in this adorable outfit.

Well, you can wear the adorable outfit

while you put together those planes.

♪ ♪

No.

I'm getting bad reception.

It sounded like you said "no."

I did say no because that's not my job.

Ron, neither is giving Dylan braids,

but this morning, I did it.

You ruined it.

That is the perfect fishtail

and you know it!

Listen, Ron, just build the planes.

Snap, snap, snap emojis.

No, you listen. How 'bout no

because I don't wanna do it?
In fact, I didn't wanna do

any of the stupid crap
you asked me to do.

Not for you, not for Dylan,

- and certainly not for her squad!
- You listen to me...

[dramatic music]

[exhales sharply]

It is possible I'm bothered

by people taking advantage of me.

No.

Establishment is dead!
Establishment is dead!

No one understands me!
Establishment is dead!

How long is he going to be like this?

Well, last time, he requested
no eye contact for eight months,

but it was a good year and a half

before he stopped
listening to speed metal.

[sighs] This is ridiculous.

Establishment is dead!

Teddy, your gloves are great.

You should be really proud,

but you need to accept the
fact that they didn't win

and move on.

No, my gloves were a masterpiece.

I should have won. It was rigged.

Establishment is dead!

No one understands me!
Establishment is dead!

Establishment is dead!
Establishment is dead!

No one understands me!
Establishment is dead!

I didn't wanna have to do this,

but there's something you need to see.

[playful dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hello, Teddy.

[sighs] This is the winner

of the Wayne Innovation Prize.

[chuckles] This guy won?

Okay, there's no way
somebody this good-looking

could invent something
better than these.

No, he didn't invent
something better than those,

he is the invention.

♪ ♪

Are you checking out our robot?

It's not that cool.

Would you like me to be cooler?

[electronic whirring]

I hear The Strokes are
playing a secret show tonight

in Joaquin Phoenix's backyard.

Oh, yeah, those mittens
are super dope too, bro.

[scoffs, chortles]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

Teddy...

both: [mockingly] Oh.

See, this is why I
didn't want to submit,

but you went behind my
back and you did it anyway.

I was doing it for you.

No, you did it for you.

You didn't like that you were in charge

of a division of nobodies.

Well, maybe we wouldn't
be a division of nobodies

if we had less pouty babies

and more people like your brother.

Went too far. Already regret it.

- [thunderous crash]
- [gasps]

[wind blowing]

[heroic music]

Get out of here. Frostbite is...

[power surging]

[laughs evilly]

[playful dramatic music]

- Wow, really puts
things in perspective.

I can't even remember
what we were talking about.

Oh, you were saying that you
wished you'd hired my brother

- instead of me.
- Was that today?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

[soft dramatic music]

Oh, crap, the handle's frozen.

- Teddy....
- What?

Your gloves.

We can use them to unfreeze the handle.

- Yes!
- [grumbles]

Or unfreeze Crimson Fox.

- Yeah, here we go.
- Okay.

[electronic sizzling]

- Oh, my God, it's working.
- Of course it's working.

- I set it to Deep Fried Turkey.
- Oh.

[soft upbeat music]

[sighs] You know, you were right.

I entered the contest
for me. I'm sorry, Teddy.

I didn't bust my ass my whole life

to hear those Wayne X
dicks tell me I'm a nobody.

Try being reminded you're a nobody

every single time you
talk to your parents.

Oh, trust me. I know how hard it is

to live in a sibling's shadow.

Oh, yeah, what does your sister do?

She's a dog walker.

I just know it's really
hard for her sometimes.

You don't know what it's like.

You're my space-doctor brother,

which makes me your
dog-walking little sister.

And she's a great person
who's capable of great things.

- Just like you.
- Right.

I'm gonna be here my whole
life while my brother's

performing open-heart
surgery at zero gravity.

Well, we'll both be here,

and for what it's worth,

I'm glad I'm here with you.

♪ ♪

- [clears throat]
- Oops.

[electronic sizzling]

Ooh, yeah.

[groans]

- That was brutal.
- Sorry.

Must have been very cold.

No, I meant listening
to that conversation.

The gloves are cool though.
Can I have those?

[laughs] Yeah, I mean, you...

you gonna use 'em to,
like, fight crime and stuff?

No, I'm gonna use them to make popcorn.

Of course I'm gonna use them
to fight crime, you dink.

- Okay.
- [thunderous rumble]

[playful dramatic music]

Van?

I want to apologize for my outburst.

You embarrassed me in
front of Dylan and her squad.

I'm sorry. It's just that I learned that

I can say no and still be a nice person

because I also need
to be nice to myself.

I'm sorry too. [chuckles]

I'm used to bossing servants around.

They're who raised me. My
father was always working.

He was too busy to spend time with me

- or teach me how to build things.
- That's so sad.

Except the cartoonish level of opulence.

Yeah, that was pretty cool.

The one thing I wanted
my entire childhood,

it was a dream really, was to build

a tree house with my father.

He promised, but year after year,

that dream was crushed.

Well, Van, we're gonna
build you that tree house.

Oh, no, I cannot let you do that.

No, no, no, you just pick
the tree, and it's yours.

I'm gonna get started on the blueprints.

I'm gonna make your dreams come true.

Thank you, Ron!

Whatever your last name is.

[soft music]

Dylan. Hey, I found somebody

to build your stupid tree house.
Now you make good on our deal,

and you let me and your mom have
a little bit of grown-up time.

Yes, I'm talking about sex.

With her modern take

on a classic apple pie.

This just in: cold season is over.

Crimson Fox defeated
several cold villains

using what appears to be a
pair of super-heated gloves.

Hey, it's Teddy's gloves.

Looks like I brought Teddy back.

I am a genius!

Teddy-Ted! [high-pitch squeal]

[falsetto] Teddy-Ted!

Yeah.

He's gonna be real
easy to work with now.

♪ ♪