01x06 - I'ma Friend You

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Powerless". Aired: February 2017 to May 2017.*
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"Powerless" follows the the staff of an insurance company, that specializes in products for ordinary humans who are poised to be victims of the battles between superheroes and supervillains.
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01x06 - I'ma Friend You

Post by bunniefuu »

And we go now live to Crimson Fox

for an announcement.

Man, this is tough.

Starting today, I'll
be leaving Charm City

and taking my talents to Metropolis.

Adjacent.

I can't believe she's just leaving us.

I mean, she is our main hero.

What if somebody like the Joker att*cks?

The Joker is an A-list super villain.

He wouldn't att*ck a
dump like Charm City.

We begged for a WNBA team, Emily.

They said no.

A WNBA team.

Now that Crimson Fox is leaving,

maybe we'll get a cool new superhero.

- What if we got Aqualad?
- Aqualad?

No, Aqualad's a sidekick, not a hero.

That's like hoping our city gets
protection from a cheese plate.

He's right.

It's cool that you guys
can laugh about this,

but with Crimson Fox gone,
petty crime will skyrocket,

and let's be real: women
are always the target.

Emily is right.

The creeps are already
feeling emboldened.

Weird Tony the hot dog guy
was extra weird this morning.

Wait a minute, you mean
Fun Tony the hot dog guy.

Yeah, what's wrong with
Fun Tony the hot dog guy?

Yeah?

All: "Hey, sexy lady,
come sit on Tony's lap

and touch Tony's hot dog."

Oh, he's definitely
talking about his penis.

Yeah, that's his penis.

All right, look, if
you're worried about crime,

I can walk you guys
to your car at night.

I mean, I don't look
intimidating, but...

But what?

I was hoping someone would disagree.

Who cares?

It's going to be fine.

You ladies need to grow a pair.

All of you.

Jackie, there's a bee in my office!

Aah, aah!

Jackie! It looks stingy!

Our fearless leader.

Hey, you know, I was
thinking about taking

a self-defense class now
that Crimson Fox is gone.

Want to do it with me?

Look, I don't have time for some class.

I'm either taking care of a child...

Jackie!

Or I'm at home with my kid.

I thought you might say that,

so I already found us
a class during lunch.

I'll take care of everything.

All you need to do is show up.

There's a chance you'll
get to punch a stranger.

Jackie, hurry!

All right, I'm in.

Yah, yah!

Jackie!

The bee did not lay eggs in your hair.

I Googled it. It's impossible.

No, something horrible has happened.

Round up the floor.

A violation has occurred.

At approximately 10:02 this morning,

I walked into my personal bathroom

to discover evidence

that it had been used by another.

Why is no one gasping? Gasp.

Thank you, I feel the same way.

Before today, the only cheeks
that had graced that throne

belonged to me

and, of course, my beloved
golden retriever, Boomer,

whom I painstakingly
taught to go human-style

before he promptly ran away.

Now, I promise you that
justice will be swift and fair.

You will be fired.

So please step forward

and take your punishment with dignity.

No one?

No one?

Dorothy...

was it you?

Looking a little depleted,

a little "Turder, She
Wrote," maybe, hmm?

A little "Law & Order: IBS"?

That is a guilty face.

Okay, okay, I will flush you out.

And then you'll be fired.

Hey, have you seen Jackie?

Who's "Bitch I'ma"?

Oh, it makes more sense
when Jackie wears hers.

"Bitch I'ma End You!"

We're taking self-defense classes.

If she ever gets here.

"I'ma Bitch"? Hmm, inappropriate, Emily.

Appreciate the honesty, but still...

inappropriate.

You think Jackie's

gonna take self-defense classes
in matching shirts with you?

Well, it's sort of,
like, an inside joke.

I don't think Jackie does inside jokes.

Well, that's because
you're not on the inside.

Me and Jackie, we've got our own thing.

And yet she's not here.

Well, she probably just
decided to meet me there.

So I'm gonna go learn
to kick ass with Jackie.

Emily?

Hi.

Whoa, that class is no joke.

Yeah, well, Jackie didn't show,

and on my way back,
I ran into an alleyway

to avoid one of
Jack-O-Lantern's fireballs

and tripped and fell into the trash.

Oh, sexy lady covered in garbage.

Still sexy.

Not now, Tony.

Yeah, that is disrespectful, Tony!

- Mm?
- I can't believe it.

Jackie knew how much I was
looking forward to this class,

and she just stands me up?

Well, maybe she had an emergency,

or maybe she's sitting in a
car over there reading a book.

What?

Self-defense class!

Where the hell were you?

I was busy. I figured
you'd just go alone.

Why do you smell like garbage?

Actually, can we talk about this later?

No, we're talking about this right now.

Friends don't stand each other up.

They send a text with enough sad emojis

to make you feel how sorry they are.

Is this an UberPOOL?
'Cause I didn't select pool.

It is not a pool.

I was just telling this
little homeless lady

to get out of my car.

I'm trying to make a little
extra cash on the side, okay?

Why didn't you just tell me that?

So are we going or what?

You heard her. Get out
of my car, sporty hobo.

Tiny water bottle?

Jackie, I'm not sure why you... Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

I'm gonna be direct, which is
something you love about me.

Oh, yeah.

My daughter Ruby's class

is taking a trip to
Six Flags Metropolis.

It's $500, and money's
a little tight right now.

I really don't need any of these
human bedbugs knowing that,

so as far as you're concerned,
I am not an Uber driver.

Yeah, but with Crimson Fox gone,

you could get mugged or get hit
by Jack-O-Lantern's fireball.

It's just not safe for you to
be driving strangers around.

- All right.
- Aah!

Who drives strangers around?

No one, not one person ever.

Where'd you learn that?

I have two brothers.

Oh, you have two
brothers? Older or younger?

Please stop bonding with me.

- Listen, if you need...
- I don't want to talk about it,

and I really don't want
you to "Emily" this.

Aww, people are using my name as a verb?

Aah! I will not Emily this.

So I don't want to
make this a big thing,

but someone who I'm not going to mention

needs a little help.

Oh, are you trying to Emily something?

Look, we're not gonna
give money to Jackie

unless we know what it's for.

Well, she told me not to... Damn it.

- Oh.
- I knew it was Jackie.

Now, that was some David Blaine.

Okay, this cannot be repeated.

Her kid needs $500 for a school trip.

I thought we could all
pitch in to help her out.

Jackie is never gonna take our money.

She is crazy private.

I have a pretty genius way around that.

- Oh, so you're gonna Teddy it.
- What's that?

- Well, that's...
- That's when you try

to turn your name into
a verb unsuccessfully.

Ooh, you just got Wendy-ed.

Everyone in my office except I'ma Bitch.

You can stay here.

That's not even what the shirt said.

The Three Amigos,

the Three Musketeers,

the Dynamic Duo...

and you.

I bet you thought you were in the clear,

but you're the only three
people who were in the office

when the crime was committed.

I know. I checked the logs.

I just want to point out

that we're talking about a poop crime,

and you said "logs."

That's fair.

Who did this?

Van, this is silly. It wasn't us.

Pedro, could you come in here, please?

It's, uh, Peter, sir.

Pedro, when you entered

into my personal bathroom
yesterday to clean it,

what did you find?

Oh, there were these small scissors

and all these clumps
of short, curly hairs

all around the base of the bowl.

Not that!

I told you, not that. Wh...

The other thing.

This magazine, sir.

Thank you, Pedrito.

It's Peter.

Witness excused.

Adios.

Who does this belong to?

Who was perusing while
they were number twos-ing?

Come on, people, I'm
giving you an opportunity

to snitch on a friend.

I used to live for
this in boarding school.

None of us did it.

All right.

You're sticking together, okay.

No, well, let's see how long that lasts

once I move your workspaces...

to Conference Room... B.

Wait, what's Conference Room B?

Oh.

Please, come in.

Take in your surroundings,

because this hellscape is
where you will be living

until someone tells me who did it.

Um, okay, so, uh, what was so bad

about this conference room, again?

I think you may have noticed
the terrifying lighting.

Oh, come on.

- Yeah, that's it.
- That's it.

Well, let me tell you this.

These chairs... are the old ones,

before the upgrade.

They're unable to spin.

Actually, you need to
just reach back here,

hit this little doohickey, and...

you could go wherever you want.

- I got it.
- Hee!

Yeah, whee!

- Whee!
- Whee!

All right, "whee" all you want,

but let me put this
little notion in your ear.

No one crosses Vanderveer Wayne

and gets out clean on the other side.

It's about to get nasty.

all: Whee!

Hi there, are you Mrs. Fry?

Yes, are... Are you a parent?

Me, a parent?

That's hilarious. I'm super young.

Look, uh, one of my good
friends has a daughter

in your class, Ruby?

- Mm-hmm.
- I just wanted to drop off

this check, you know, on the down-low

for her class trip.

What class trip?

Uh, you're all going
to Six Flags Metropolis.

We're all going to Six Flags Metropolis!

All: Yay!

No! No, class, calm down.

We are not going to
Six Flags Metropolis.

Look, I don't know what kind
of sick joke you're playing.

This is a public school.

We don't go to Six Flags Metropolis.

We go to cemeteries and read sad poems.

Leave.

All right, Operation:
Help Jackie is over.

Now we're doing Operation:
Mind Your Own Business

and Just Act Cool.

Okay, so you want us to un-Emily this?

Um, I don't think acting cool

is the opposite of Emily-ing something.

All: No.

Mm-mm.

So we're good on dropping this?

I was trying to be a good friend,

and I just went too far.

Jackie is my friend,

and if she needs my
help, she'll come to me.

The important thing
is that no one mentions

that I went to her daughter's school.

That's the lady!

She's the one who said we
were going to Six Flags.

Oh, my God, Jackie!

Is this your daughter

who I am definitely
meeting for the first time?

Um, Van, this is ridiculous.

Teddy, you're a dignified guy.

You wouldn't crap up
another man's toilet.

But Ron?

How much do we really know about... Ron?

Lives with his grandma,
favorite food is pickles,

birthday wish is always for
"Jurassic Park" to be real.

Enough! No one has to know.

Tell me it was Ron.

Pick it... pick it up!

That's the... I... That's why I slid it.

$1,000 to Furniture Within Grasp?

Mm.

This could buy a whole
folding chair or an ottoman.

And all of that can be yours

if you just set the truth free.

The truth is a little bird.

It's cooped up in a cage.


It's either open that door, set it free,

let it fly out on the wings of...

feathers... I don't...

It's a bird, so it... I don't know.

Just... look, it's 1,000 bucks.

Grasp the furniture.

Teddy ratted you out.

What? He did?

Yup, he sold you out faster
than a Mumford & Sons concert

in the whitest part of Portland.

You could just say "Portland."

He says it's you.

Unless, of course, he's
lying to cover his own ass.

Or maybe it's no one's friend, Wendy.

Wendy. Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

Tell me, Wendy,

why does Wendy always pretend-y?

- Are we flirting?
- What?

- Finally.
- No.

Hello.

Hmm?

Keep it on. Keep it on. Keep it on.

Missed you at coffee.

I got you one anyways.

Okay, obviously, you're
still needing space.

You know, I just want
to say I've forgiven you

for lying to me about needing
the money for Six Flags...

- Seriously?
- And I want you to know that

I don't expect you to tell
me why you need the money,

but I am available to you as a friend.

And that's the last thing I will say.

Okay, the last thing I'll say
is, I think it would be a shame

if a misunderstanding
that was born out of love

had a negative effect on
a blossoming friendship

that could be great for the both of us.

There is nothing blossoming here.

We work together. That's it.

I don't want you butting into my life.

- Leave me alone.
- Jackie, wait...

I don't need your help.

Citizens of Charm City,

where is your beloved Crimson Fox now?

Buckle up!

You just got a little bump on the head.

You're all set to leave.

We called your emergency contact.

My emergency contact?

Who did I put down for my...

Oh, no.

Jackie!

I am so flattered and
also so glad you're okay.

Calm down, I had to put somebody down,

and you're kind of sort
of reliable and capable

in a middle school hall
monitor kind of way.

Oh, locker break-ins
dropped 24% on my watch.

I have no doubt they did.

Look, I know I overstepped my bounds...

Yeah, you did.

But maybe I have too
many bounds to step over.

So do you want to know
what that money's for?

I mean...

Night classes.

I don't want to spend the
rest of my life helping Van

with his poop witch-hunts,
so I'm trying to get my MBA.

I didn't want to tell you because...

Oh, my God, Jackie, that is so amazing.

Because of that.

I don't like that kind of attention.

The attention of people
who love and care for you?

I'm not saying it's healthy.

If I'm being honest, it
would probably be good for me

to be friends with someone like you.

But if you could just turn
the volume down a little?

You want people to
lean in, not lean out.

See, I like having a
friend who can tell me that.

And I like having a friend
who would probably notice

if I was dead in my apartment.

Well, what about your kid?

She has an iPad.

Oh.

Could we maybe, like, hug?

Make it quick.

Oh, really quick.

♪ Oh, Jackie is getting her MBA ♪

- ♪ And she ♪
- Turn it down.

♪ Called me as her emergency ♪

- Turn it off.
- Contact.

- Drive me home.
- Anytime.

How much for the Eames lounger?

Okay, and can I get
that with a cup holder?

Traitor and tacky.

Hey, what's happening?

Oh, I'll tell you what's happening.

Wendy's weak, and she sold one of us out

for a fricking gift card.

I did not sell anybody out.

I bet you're the one
who used Van's toilet

and you're trying to
throw people off the scent

by blaming me.

You know I can't use a work bathroom.

That's why I have to drive
home at lunch every day.

And you know that I
can't go to the bathroom

unless there are people around

to give me a sense of
comfort and security.

- You've been there!
- I do know that.

- That's a very strange thing.
- Well, does that...

Enough!

We're all friends here,

and Van is tearing us apart.

And I'm putting an end to it.

♪ You put the pig in the pit ♪

♪ And then you eat it ♪

♪ It's just indigenous ♪

♪ It's not mischievous ♪

Van?

I pooped in your toilet.

Finally, the truth comes out.

Ron, your punishment will
be of biblical proportions.

Van, I pooped in your toilet.

No, I pooped in your toilet.

All three of you defecated in my toilet?

Simultaneously?

You are some dirty birdies.

No, this is a gesture.
We're sticking together.

If you want to punish one of us,

you're gonna have to punish us all.

Haven't you ever seen "Spartacus"?

Thank you for ruining
"Spartacus" for me.

Ah, they found the security footage

of who crapped up my toilet.

Now we'll know for sure.

Jackie, there's a bee! It looks stingy!

Okay, ignore that.

Jackie!

- I'm meditating.
- Jackie, is it on me?

It was above the desk!

It's in the room!

Do you see it?

Huh.

Did you get it?

- It's dead.
- Oh.

So no one pooped in your toilet.

- Thank you.
- Jackie just used that magazine

to k*ll a bee and left it there.

That's right.

I knew this all along.

This was me teaching you
a very convoluted lesson...

about friendship.

- Hmm.
- Thank you.

Look at us.

I'm only wearing this because I got

the instructor's blood on the other one.

Ooh, sexy ladies
wearing matching shirts.

Hey, how about a matching foot-long?

What the...

Ow, ow!

This stops now.

Yeah, Tony, you got that?

I got it. Let go, please. It hurts.

You know this is our
last Tony dog, right?

Yeah, I know.

It's so hard to divorce
the artist from his work.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

- But it's so good.
- It's so good!

My name is Peter.
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