01x07 - Van v Emily: Dawn of Justice

[bunniefuu]

So you guys are going out
on back-to-back nights?

You must really like this Hannah girl.

Well, she's funny,

- she's gorgeous...
- Mm-hmm.

And like me, she understands
mid-century design,

but she's over it.

Well, a burrito toast to that.

Citizens of Charm City...

You know what you should add

to your bucket list?

Sky diving!

Aah!

My boy!

I don't know what to say.

Well, most people go with "thank you."

Then I'm gonna say "thanks"
because I'm not most people.

Oh, my God. We met Green Fury!

I guess we know what
you're talking about

over dinner with Hannah tonight.

Who?

Uh, excuse me? Do you
validate the parking?

Oh, no, that's not me.

I'm actually the Senior Vice President

of Research and Development.

Oh, but you sit at the
receptionist's desk?

No, no, no, no.

That's the receptionist's desk.

This is the Senior
Vice President's desk.

I'll just get you the stickers.

I swear to God, if you do this,

I will send my lawyer to your house

to shave your head in your sleep!

This is not a bluff, Mother!

Emily, have your parents ever done

that thing where they
turn your childhood bedroom

into a second butler's pantry?

No.

They kept me and my
sister's room the same.

- Bunk beds and all.
- Bunk beds?

Were you raised in a prison?

Van, did you know I'm the
only Senior Vice President

in this building who
doesn't have a real office?

Emily, you thrive in the cubicles.

You're like a tropical fish
that lives in the coral reef,

but if you took that fish out,

and gave it its own office...

- it would die.
- What?

- Fish need water.
- Van, it's hard enough

getting people to take me seriously

when they think I'm the person
who validates their parking.

I think at your age being entrusted with

parking stickers speaks
to your character.

I know an office doesn't
really mean anything,

but to me it's a symbol
of how hard I've worked

to get here.

It's like the pride a butler feels

when he gets a second pantry.

- Oh, they love that.
- Yeah.

Emily, nothing would make me happier

than to give you your own office...

But...?

- No buts.
- Oh.

However, there's no space,

so... no can do.

Swim away, little fish.
Seriously, get out.

Look, do I like Hannah? Yes.

But there's just something
special about Green Fury.

Sure, she could fly and
sh**t fire out of her hands...

- Yeah.
- But you said Hannah

could quote any "Seinfeld" episode.

Now that's special.

"Seinfeld."

So underrated.

Okay, it doesn't matter

because super heroes
don't date regular people.

- What about Lois Lane?
- She won a Pulitzer.

You write satirical Yelp reviews.

- As a hobby.
- This is silly.

You're never even gonna
see Green Fury again.

I mean, unless you fall off

another balcony.

Or she can't stop
thinking about me, either,

and she's trying to find me.

- Huh.
- Uh...

I would go balcony.

Jackie!

Yeah, I was upset when Mother sent me

my childhood toys, but
I am really enjoying

this trip down memory lane.

It seems like just yesterday
that I was playing with

- My Little Pony.
- Aww, my daughter loves hers.

- Won't put it down.
- I put mine down.

Horse cancer.

Your meeting with
Emily is about to start.

She wanted to do it in her new office.

Emily doesn't have an office.

Remember that room you had sealed off

because you found a spider?

She opened Hell's Gate?

She said that she had a meeting

with a couple execs
from the Gotham office

and needed a space.

My, my, my.

You see what she's doing here?

No, but I'm very excited

to hear what you think she's doing.

She's trying to cut out the middle Van.

First it's the office.

Second, she's setting up meetings

with corporate without me.

The next thing you know,
she's gonna be the one

high-fiving Bruce Wayne in a threesome.

Well, I am going to put an end to this.

I can't believe I have my own office.

I have been dreaming about this
ever since I was a little girl.

Wow, so you've been this
boring your whole life?

Oh! Take a picture of
me to send to my family.

Ooh, okay.

Oh. No, that's...

That's not what I me... Okay.

Is that photo for your mug sh*t?

Because I'm looking at a criminal.

How did you get this office?

You said there was no
space, so I went to HR

and they said I could have this office

if I cleared out the spiders.

Which you did, right? I
mean, there are no longer...

spiders in here?

Look, HR was mistaken.
If you had talked to me,

you would know that I have huge plans...

to turn this into...

- a storage room.
- Are you kidding me?

You have till the end of the day

to get back into your work pen.

Tarantula!

God! They jump at your face...

and...

You know, it's not often
you see such a modest dream

crushed so quickly.

Ooh, say "cubicle."

He really thinks he can
take my office from me

and I'm just gonna sit
here and watch it go down?

That's literally what's
happening right now.

If you're surprised by that,
you clearly don't understand

the teetering house of
cards that is Van's ego.

This is a man who won't
let anybody see him sneeze

because he thinks it's
a sign of weakness.

He won't even kiss me because he says

it's against company
policy. What a p*ssy.

If I could give you
just one piece of advice.

Don't just march in
there and... She's gone.

Another outstanding sh*t, sir!

Thank you for your
vanilla commentary, Steve,

but the only reason
you are here is to walk

the arrows back... oh!
Snag me another Ring Pop.

This one's down to the bone.

Van, I want my office back.

Emily, once a space opens up,

I'll be happy to give it to you,

but now, I'm in the
middle of something...

very important.

Ooh! Better luck next time, sir.

That is where I was aiming, you dote!

Oh, Green Arrow Darts.

I used to have this game as a kid.

- You any good?
- I haven't lost a match

- in my life.
- Well, neither have I.

I wonder who's better.

You know what, Emily,
once you throw down

that gauntlet, it can not be unthrown.

I don't want to unthrow it.

- Good, 'cause you can't.
- Good.

- Good.
- Good.

Steve, what the hell, man?

- Pick your moments!
- I'll tell you what.

Why don't we play tomorrow during lunch?

If I win, your "storage room"

goes back to being my office.

- Ha! Steve!
- Ha!

If you win, you can turn it into

a unicorn stable for all I care

because that's a fairytale! Ha! Ha!

Oh, snap! It is on!

Hey, Teddy.

What you up to, buddy?

What wizard did this to you?

Pretty convincing, huh?

Now I just gotta

set this trap, dig a
snare, and reel in the bait.

I don't know anything about hunting.

Oh, Teddy, is it possible that you've

built up this encounter
because a beautiful woman

literally came out of the
clouds and saved your life?

Nah, she's into me, dude.

All right.

Careful, citizen.

The Olympian might
not be there next time.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Uh, you seem disappointed.

No, no, no, yeah, I'm alive, man.

That's great. Awesome, thanks, man.

Thanks. Thank you.

d*ck.

Put down that tiny bow!

- You cannot b*at Van.
- Oh, no, I can.

I am pretty good.

Well, let me rephrase.
You ought not b*at Van.

Why? He took my office from me.

She's dreamt about that since she was

a really boring child.

Look, honey, we all think
you deserve that office.

But there's something
bigger at stake here.

I think there's
something you need to see.

Employee of the Month?

I didn't even know we had this room.

Oh, it's one of the many
things we keep from you.

Like the secret bathroom
on the sales floor

that's always empty
and... does not exist.

- I don't know why I said that.
- Mmn-hmm.

We make sure Van wins every month

because there was one time he didn't.

Recognize this lady?

- No.
- Exactly.

Kate won her first month here.

So, when Van caught her
taking a "company croissant"

from a staff meeting home with her...

He fired her on the spot.

And after he demanded a "recount,"

it turned out Van actually won.

I don't know.

Yeah!

Whoo!

So you guys give him this every month

just to stroke his ego?

Oh, no, no, no. We do it to survive.

If you b*at Van, it
won't just be bad for you,

it will be bad for all of us.

Which is why you're
going to throw this game.

Fine.

Van's ready to destroy you.

Do you enjoy being his little bitch?

It's called a squire, Emily.

Van!

Are we gonna do this or what?

And now... please welcome

the one, the only...

Vanderveer "Bring the Pain"

Wayne Junior!

Wa-bow!

I hope you said good-bye
to your loved ones

because I'm gonna skin you alive

and wear you to your own funeral.

All I can do is try my best
and hope for a positive outcome.

Where did you learn to trash talk?

At the puppies... and rainbows school...

for sunshine?

Boom.

Oh! Boom!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Whoo!

Van.

Missed again.

Dang.

Great sh*t!

Not.

Boom!

Hey, Emily, could you run and get me

eight hours worth of parking stickers

'cause I could do this all day!

Ooh.

Looks like I just needed
to get a little warmed up.

Time out!

What are you doing?

You fed this monster's
ego for far too long.

I'm giving him a dose of reality.

- Look at him.
- You are the greatest.

- I know that.
- You are the strongest.

- I am aware.
- You are the fastest.

- Yes!
- Does that look like a man

who wants to face reality?

Excellent bone structure.

- This is good, too, the lats.
- Oh, yeah.

- Really good...
- Keep it above the waist.

- Above the waist.
- When I get this...

And I will... I get my office back.

Huh?

In your face!

Oh, yes!

I am a god! I am a god!

Is there something different
about the office today?

Yeah. Why am I so, like...

comfortable?

We got new chairs!

Hey!

- Thanks, Van.
- Take it easy.

Good morning!

♪ What a beautiful day but
scones'll make it better ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Wouldn't you say ♪

♪ You can say thank you if you will... ♪

Hey... grab one.

Bear claw, good choice, Rebecca.

That's right, I learned your name.

I learned everybody's names.

Emily...

I've been thinking.

Even though you lost the match

and the office is mine to
do with whatever I want,

I'm going to give it to you anyway.

Because that's the kind of guy I am.

Did you hear that, g*ng?

I love you, Van.

Kay, Lee, Malcolm,

Zoey, Simon...

Puffy Haired guy.

Look at that.

Now normally we just roll
over and he leaves us alone,

but I guess the real
trick is to put up a fight

but ultimately let him humiliate you.

Okay, first of all, I wasn't
even trying until halfway.

We all got what we wanted here.

He got a win, you got the office,

and I don't have to make his coffee,

he's doing it himself.

Well... he's trying.

Anyway, the point is,
you got what you wanted,

so who cares how it happened?

How do you guys drink this stuff?

Are you sure you should be
shining a 20,000-watt light

into the night sky?

Uh, ever heard of the Bat Signal?

It's actually kind of a genius plan.

She's gonna see her
trademark GF Flame in the sky,

zip on down, next thing you know,

she's wearing me like a backpack
and we're halfway to Tokyo

for some Wagyu beef.

Well, this is certainly
a good story to tell

the woman you actually end up marrying.

Okay, speaking of picking up on signals,

I'm sending a pretty clear
one for you to b*at it, Ron.

Wait...

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, sh**t.

My baby, my baby, my
baby, my baby, my baby.

Aah!

You know what? Maybe
I should call Hannah.

Yeah. Get her some flowers.

Nice.

Hey, does this look straight to you?

Van, I want a rematch.

No, he won fair and square.

- Come on.
- No!

Emily, all a rematch would do is rob you

of what is clearly a much needed lesson

in how to lose with a little class.

Oh, and you're going to teach it to me?

Oh, no, of course not.

I've never lost at anything.

The closest I've come to
failure is when I spelled it

to win the regional Spelling Bee.

Oh.

Failure. F-A-L-U-R-E.

Failure.

That's right, Emily!
That's how it's spelled!

Emily, don't feel bad.
There is a long list

of some very talented
people who have fallen

at the feet of Vanderveer Wayne.

You b*at Dr. Dre in a rap battle?

He had me on my heels
until I hit 'em with...

"Dr. Dre, man, you gay."

You gotta remember, this was the '90s

and that kind of casual
h*m* was commonplace.

Oh, "Best Bod, Daytona Beach 1998?"

What is...

"Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Champion."

- The same year?
- Delish.

Oh, my God. How deep does this go?

Somebody pull the fire alarm!

People have been letting
you win your whole life

so you would never have
to experience F-A-I-L-U-R-E

What is that? The French spelling?

Your family and everyone in your life

have been going to insane lengths

to make you think you're a winner.

- That is not true!
- Oh, yeah?

Ask Jackie whether or
not you've really been

Employee of the Month for
the past four straight years.

Oh, but I guess I'm not

telling you anything
you didn't already know,

because you were "Most
Perceptive Baby of 1971."

Get out.

Get out!

Both of you. Get out!

God...

Was that even you, Dr. Dre?

Are you even a doctor?

He hasn't moved all morning.

It's like watching an iguana.

- Ew.
- Well, you broke him, Emily.

That's not the way a man
who wants to live sneezes.

Trust me, this is better for
everybody in the long run.

We can't keep tip-toeing
around his ego.

His ego? You're the one who eviscerated

a grown man because you couldn't
handle losing a kids game.

Okay, it's possible I don't like losing,

but it was more about the principle.

That you deserved your own office.

- Yes.
- Which he had already given

to you before you did that to him.

Crap.

It's really great to see you, Hannah.

I'm so glad I figured out that snafu

where my phone was dropping
calls and couldn't send texts.

I'm assuming you fixed it by
switching it off B.S. mode?

You're lucky you're cute.

Whoa!

Ow!

Oh, I just peed a little.

I believe this is yours.

Oh, hey, you're the
guy from the balcony.

You guys out on a date?

No.

You look great.

It kinda looks like
you're out on a date.

- Hey.
- Cool.

- Cool.
- I'm gonna...

Great.

Hey, boss.

How we feeling?

You were right. There
is an "I" in "failure"

and it's I.

Me. Uh... me... my... I don't...

I can't even grammar properly!

It's all a lie!

Was I actually prom king and
did my date really like me

or was she just another
flunky on the Wayne payroll?

Oh, well, she seems... nice.

- Who is this fella?
- Oh, that's her uncle,

Silky Valentine. He was our chaperone.

Oh, my God.

She was a who...

No one has ever loved me!

Okay, that's not true.

Your parents put an obscene
amount of time and effort

into making sure you never
experienced even one moment

of disappointment.

They must've really cared about you.

You know, you haven't
lost at everything.

You did b*at me at the Green Arrow game

all by yourself.

That's right... I did.

See? There you go.

I destroyed you!

- It was very close.
- Eh.

Look, we don't need to
be squaring off like this.

We are on the same team, and
if we both refuse to lose,

then we can accomplish great things.

You're right, I-I don't
need to be threatened

by your wins, 'cause
your wins are my wins.

And your losses, I
can just blame on you.

- That's not exactly...
- Emily!

I am back!

Now get out of my office
'cause I'm about to sneeze.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna sneeze.

Get out!

Oh, good, it's gone.

That wasn't that bad.